Loremen Podcast - S2 Ep4: Loremen S2 Ep4 - The Campden Wonder and Scarborough Pier

Episode Date: January 10, 2019

A true crime in Restoration England? A bizarre ritual on Scarborough Pier? It's episode 4 of Loremen Series 2. Find the show notes here: www.loremenpodcast.com/episode-4-s2 @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.loremenpodcast.com/about www.facebook.com/LoremenPod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. Look on my works, ye mighty, please. A good word from the mighty would make a real difference. In each episode, we'll unearth pieces of forgotten folklore and hold them up to the searing light of our arbitrary scoring system.

In this one, I'll be perfectly honest, I'm just trying to ride the wave of true crime so I found a historical tale of justice. Gone wrong. This, I think, is very much capturing the time ghost. Zeitgeist, if you, for our non-German speakers. Thank you for translating. This is a tale of true crime.

For our non-German speakers. Thank you for translating. This is a tale of true crime. The likes of Making a Murderer, Serial, The Staircase. I can't remember the names of any other ones. But anyway, this, The Camden Wonder. Sorry, is the story called The Camden Wonder? Yeah.

That sounds like something you would say insultingly to someone in Camden. Oi, Camden Wonder! No, this is Camden as in Chipping Camden. Oh. As in better than Ebrington. Yeah, friend of the podcast, Chipping Camden as in Chipping Camden. Oh. As in better than Ebrington. Yeah, friend of the podcast, Chipping Camden. Yeah, don't worry. Ebrington gets involved in this story. Ebrington, a.k.a. Yubberton.

Yeah, series one, episode six. So, yes, we're in Chipping Camden. We're in the house of Chipping Camden. Camden house. All right, there's not just one house in Chipping Camden, I assume. No, the big house. The big house, I see. And the steward for the Viscountess, Camden,

is 70-year-old William Harrison. And this takes place in, I think, bang on 1660. We've just had the Civil War. I think we pretty much just reinstated Charles II, reinstated the monarchy in the form of Charlesles ii big mistake in my view but really yeah because you don't like sequels well i just feel like all that um cromwell had to do would not be a complete not ban christmas yeah and and what he did was he said that nobody was allowed to dance or have any fun just completely ruining being a republic for everyone it's been a time of upheaval at the end of the end of cromwell's reign into into charlie too was a messy old time and william harrison went out that night though to collect the rents from the surrounding villages to pay to the big house in camden

to the vicountess and that night he never returned. He did not return that night. Yeah. So his servant... Can I just check, James? Did he come back that night? Oh, not that night, no. Pray tell what happened.

Well, he had a servant, John Perry, bit of a drinker, bit of a teller of tall tales. John Perry went out to find his boss, William Harrison, and he also didn't return that night, but he did return in the morning, which was a little bit suspicious. So William Harrison's son, Edward Harrison, also went out looking in the morning. So he didn't return that night, but that's because he hadn't gone out. So let's not get bogged down in that.

That's unrelated. He went out to look in the morning and he bumped into John Perry. And together they went to Ebrington, a.k.a. Yubberton, where an old woman had found William Harrison's hat, neckband and comb. His comb? Yeah. He was carrying his comb with him? Well, not anymore.

So he's comeless wherever he is? Yeah. Completely. He's carrying his comb with him. Well, not anymore. So he's combless wherever he is. Yeah. Completely. He's got no hat either to hide. His hair's going to be in a terrible mess. Mucky old hair. And I don't know, his neckband was bloodstained. Oh.

Yeah. I thought it was bad. He just lost his comb. Oh, no. The comb had also been, and I quote, hacked about. Oh, so perhaps he had to defend himself with the comb. Using a comb, like a little teddy boy. You can only imagine the hilarity that must have happened

with them cross-examining a Yubberton Yawney. Like, just trying to get a straight answer out of her would have been, oh, she'd have been saying that the moon's in the water, the church is better than their church. So, we've still not found William Harrison, and Perry is now very suspected, and he's called before the magistrate. He said a tinker did it and hid the body in a bean rick.

What's a bean rick? That's a good question, so I googled it. I came up with the IMDB entry for Rick Bean. He was an extra in a Chuck Norris film. Right, thank you. Thanks for clearing that up. However, I didn't think that was what they were referring to. I don't think that they time-travelled and hid a body in...

The actor Bean, Rick. Yes. And I looked again a little bit further, finally found out a Rick is basically an old English word for like a pile. I've heard of a hay rick before, I think. Yes, exactly. So a hill of beans. And they looked in there for the body.

No body. Not a bean. Just beans. So hold on. The man speculated the body was in the pile of beans before checking. He said a tinker did it and hid him in a pile of beans. That's a very specific place to insist the body was hidden without having checked yeah the world is john perry will find very strongly insist about things all right so he's reminded in custody because they're like you know

something you're telling us a tinker did it in and then hid it in the beans he's not in the beans where is he what's going on john perry One week later, Perry asked to see the magistrate so the truth could be told. And he said his mother and brother did it. And he arrived at the scene to find his brother, Richard Perry, strangling Harrison to death. Wow. And then he and his brother hid the body

in Camden House's cesspit. So they dredged the cesspit. They didn't find... They did. They only found... They found no body. I mean, these are all going to be bleeped. You get the idea of what punning I'm doing.

It's pretty clear what you're saying in the context. So all three Perrys were detained. John, Joan and Richard. He threw his own mother under the bus. Yeah. They're brought before the next diseases. But there's still no body. So the judge is dismissing the case.

Although it says that in the reports, that the judge dismissed the case. They're still kept in custody, these three. They're still detained until the next diseases when a different judge comes in and says, Yeah, I'm going to hang you all. John's still kept his story. Richard and Joan are completely protesting their innocence. They do all admit that they had previously stole £140 from Camden House and I think that didn't do them very well with the next judge.

So all three were hanged on Broadway Hill, which is now the site of Broadway Tower for anyone visiting the area. John was gibbeted and Joan and Richard were buried underneath where he was gibbeted. Now by the way, interesting fun facts

Broadway Tower also has next to it, it was a folly conceived by Constance someone whose vaguely famous name you'd remember. It's nice. If you're in the area, you should visit Broadway Tower of Mind. I really like her folly. It's the second highest

hill in the Cotswolds. And just check and Google, there is a car park there. Capability Brown. Oh yeah, I've seen pictures of that before. But there's also, right there, so you can go up the tower, pictures of that before Yeah But there's also Right there So you can go up the tower

You can also go down There's a Cold War era Missile detecting Base They've got it all On Chipping Camden They've got above ground stuff

They've got underground stuff They've got They haven't got anything much There's a few deers On the ground level But that's about it So Those three

Hanged That's the end of the story or is it no it's not two years later william harrison's body turns up walking around talking no he's not a zombie he's still alive twist twist the 70 year old william harrison turned up and what he said happened is he was collecting the rents round by Ebrington. And he was set upon by three men on horsies. And he was stabbed and then taken to deal in Kent. And he was put in the charge. That's miles away.

That's two days ride, mate. And he was put in the charge of a mysterious stranger and put on a boat. That boat was pirated by three Turkish ships, and he was sold into slavery. I've stopped believing the story at this point, but carry on. Fortunately, it was to a kindly physician, who was a bit of an Anglophile, so he bought this 70-year-old man to be his slave.

With a stab wound. And he gave William a silver bowl and died two years later. Unrelated. So William used the silver bowl as a bargaining to get himself safe passage to England. And, unlike you, everyone believed that story. In fact, people believed it so much, they said that Joan was probably a witch

and caused everything because of her being a witch. Oh, that's convenient that the clearly innocent people who were executed were somehow responsible. Yeah. Public opinion was that she'd cast a spell and caused all that kerfuffle. She's believed to be a witch because the vicar's kids got a nosebleed when they walked past

our house once. I don't like the sound of these vicar's kids. No. The Camden Wonder, a 1959 book which was edited by Sir george clark uh offers several theories the best one the only one i could find written down anywhere i can't imagine what the other ones must be so lord more more home morm lord morm the former lord chancellor suggests that william harrison had been embezzling the county the vicountess camden's money during that whole unsettled civil war time and then when charles ii's reintroduced law is going to come back to

the land he realized he's going to get found out for all this embezzlement so he staged this murder lived off his ill-gotten gains and then once he'd heard about the execution of the people we thought well live off the rest of this money for a couple of years and I'll come back and it'll all have blown over. I don't know if your own murder is something that blows over, but carry on. And after his return, his wife fell into a depression and hanged herself.

He sounds like a... But William Harrison lived the rest of his days as one of the town's most respected citizens. I'm getting more and more on the side of the Yabberton crew. If he's the best of them, Chipping Camden, they are a bunch of right wrong-uns.

They are. This is ridiculous. I'm furious. Yeah. I'm furious that they believed his stupid story. And that is the tale of the Camden wonder. Also, Chipping Camden has a ghost bear. Any questions? twist after twist loads of questions about the ghost bear but i feel like i'm not letting you include the ghost bear because i feel like you're just going to add loads of supernatural points to an unrelated bear if you actually hear the story of the ghost bear

it's clearly not a ghost it's just a bear i mean does anybody in the cult wars have any critical faculties whatsoever not when it comes to crime it's just it's but that said it is it is exactly like watching one of those miscarriage of justice documentaries because at every step of the way they make a ridiculous and stupid and obviously wrong decision but and also people's motives are very confusing. Like, what's going on, John Perry? What happened, mate? I don't know what Perry's playing at. Especially not when he dobs everyone else in it. And himself.

So he just gets his entire family hanged for no reason. Well, the kids did have that nosebleed that time, so... Fair enough, yeah. So, no smoke without fire. No nosebleed without witchcraft. That's, yeah. The original version. That's what they say in the Cotswolds.

Just, they took him to deal. Yeah. I mean, it's not even the nearest coastal town to the Cotswolds. It's miles away. To pass London. Yeah. It's ridiculous. These three horsemen.

And then to Turkey, and then back. Via Portugal. I think he came in on a ship from Portugal. In the 17th century. A 70-year-old man sold into slavery as well. A 70-year-old man with a stab wound that, as far as we can tell, wasn't treated. Yes. I'm angry. I'm angry that they believed his obvious lie.

He was stealing the money. He became a well-respected person in the town off the back of it. This is ridiculous. Let's do some scoring. All right. What is your first category? N. This is ridiculous. Let's do some scoring. All right. What is your first category? Names. Names.

It's got to be. It's got some. I feel like you put Capability Jackson or whatever his name is. Oh, I don't know. What was his name? That sounds like a Blaxploitation film. Capability Jackson. What was his name?

Capability Brown. Capability Brown. Which does also sound like a Blaxploitation name. Who's the guy that can build follies in second highest hill in the Cosports? Who can conceive of follies like that? Capability Brown. Right on. Yeah.

It's very difficult to make that fit metrically because he's got a long name. If you listen to the actual Shaft song are some of them are very very long the questions that isaac hayes posits about well we know it's about shaft they're kind of rhetorical questions the chorus doesn't really need to nobody's nobody's listening along going i wonder who this one is yeah well shaft again it can't be it can't be shaft again who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about. Oh, it was Shaft. Right, okay. Yeah, I can dig it, actually, Isaac. So, yes. Trying to bring in other names. Shaft, Isaac.

If you can't have Shaft or Isaac Hayes, those are out. All capability brown. What names have we got? We've got George Clark, who I think now judges sheds. William and Edward Harrison. Finally normal names. John, Richard and Joan Perry. John and Joan Perry. That's nice. Joan. I can't imagine something we called Joan back then, Richard and Joan Perry. John and Joan Perry.

That's nice. Joan. I can't imagine something we called Joan back then in the 1600s. It's a bit of a 1970s name, isn't it? Yeah. It's because I've got an Auntie Joan. So I think of her as being like having bleach blonde hair. We called her Auntie Joan. Yeah, I can see a sort of floral wallpaper pattern.

Oh, yeah. That's them. I don't see how it can be more than two out of five for names because these are all normal boring names but you've just raised an index finger as if to say, hold on a minute. The Camden Wonder. Which I think, it sounds good at the

beginning. Ooh, the Camden Wonder. To be clear, what is the Camden Wonder? Is this whole event the Camden Wonder? This is the Camden Wonder. As in, I wonder how you believe such an obviously untrue story about pirates. I think that is where you think it's going to be about like, oh, it's Wonder. No, it's like, I wonder. It's like, what? Yeah, what?

That's your story. You had two years. Camden what now? All right. Yeah, Camden Wonder is a really good name for a book. So I'm going to up it to three. Okay. Three points.

Poor Patsy. Poor Patsy. The poor Patsy score. Oh, so who is the... Perry is the Patsy. I think John Perry's now becoming a tongue twister. John Joan and what's the other Perry? Richard. John Joan and Dick.

John Joan and Dick Perry. It always happens like this, don't it? Someone's innocent, but then they come up with a really stupid lie, and then that's what... That is the noose around their own neck. If he had just not said, he's in a pile of beans, he's in a cesspit, they wouldn't have had anything on him. If he hadn't said, oh, and also we did

steal that money that one time. A tinker did it. I mean, my brother and mother did it and put him in a big pile of poo. Stop changing your story. Just tell the truth. Except for the bit of the truth where you stole money from the house and then therefore got hanged. Don't mention that bit. Why did they even drop that in

as if that makes it more realistic? Yeah, I think there was some sort of thing about like if they pled guilty to one bit, it was that the judge might be more lenient, but then it became a different judge and he was just like, no, I'm not going to be lenient to murderers and their witchy

mothers. I don't know. Why would admitting to another crime incline the judge to be more lenient towards you? Read the room. He's literally judging you at all points. It is his job.

I'm going to say four out of five because he did make it a bit easy for them. Right. He was a poor quality Patsy. Rather than, oh, poor Patsy. I have a lot of sympathy for Richard and Joan, who didn't do anything, apart from occasionally make a child's nose bleed using

magic. Who hasn't? It's fun. You need to unwind sometimes. But Perry, Perry's an idiot. Four out of five. Yes. Okay, Supernatural. Supernatural. I'm giving you one for the ghost bear. Great, because I thought I was going to say, not including the ghost

bear. The ghost bear might have been sort of looking on mournfully. Like the ghost bear saw it all. He's the only one who knows. So he's looking on in a sort of, maybe one of these days I'll tell you the full story kind of a way. But I have one because I'm a ghost and a bear.

Sort of Chewbacca. Yeah, slightly Chewbacca-y noise. So one out of five. Nothing else that's... Oh, well, maybe because there was a witch. No, she wasn't a witch. Potential for witchiness, but just the idea that that just came up. Like, William must have been, like, brilliant when people started saying.

And also, I think it was, I think all those terrible things happened to you, William, because Joan was a witch. He'd just be like, yeah, probably that too. Stick that in. Fine. I was magic to deal. I can't believe he got away with it. And became so exonerated as well. So, the final...

Final category, yeah. True crime. True crime. Well, I think, unlike some of the stories we've done, I think this story is probably true. There are some true crimes in this. Yeah, definitely crimes as well. The main criminal being...

William Harrison. William Harrison. William Harrison. Mm-hmm. Clearly just stole some money and then hid out. What I don't understand, though, is why he decides to come back. Because the point of it not to come back is after someone has been hanged for your murder. That sort of proves they didn't do it, in a way. Or it's the Trump thing.

Just, like, doing something terrible and then just saying a load of random stuff and people forget about the other terrible thing because they're trying to deal with your story about a deal. It's a bit like the fallacy of sunk costs, I suppose. Once you've already... Fallacy of sunk what? The fallacy of sunk costs. Sunk costs.

Once you put money or time into something, you're less likely to admit that it's failed. So once you've already gone to the trouble of murdering three members of the village. Gibbeting. Gibbeting one and burying the other two beneath. You're not going to then want to go back and say, oh, actually, we were wrong. Those people were clearly innocent. I believe it is cited as a reason not to go back to capital punishment, this case. I believe that's what the book said.

It's not like a law book or anything. It's just one of those. One of those ones where there's a skeleton on the front really holding a cloak. Yeah, pointing at a map. Well, a good argument against capital punishment because sometimes... Or against not prosecuting someone for murder if you haven't got any evidence that a murder has been committed.

Yes. And if the only witness is, let's be honest, a ghost bear and a really stupid old lady. It's five out of five for... It is five out of five. It's true and it's a crime. Yes. I thought I was going to get marked down because of all the false crimes

in there no because the lying the lying is all part of the true crime yeah perjury and all the rest of it that's a crime lying to the police

is a crime probably I haven't checked I don't think I have police let me look in this book of folklore and see what it says yeah I'll stick with that and also

a moral of this tale don't let kids have nosebleeds outside your house, or... Be reasonable, I think would be my moral. Yeah, yeah. Is it possible to have the moral be just, guys, come on. If you're going to fake your own death, stay faked dead. Like Canoe Man.

I was going to say Canoe Man, he came back, didn't he? I don't know if that was his choice or if that was more Tidal, wasn't it? Or was that Piano Man? One of the other lesser superheroes of the mid-2000s. There's somewhat of the Three Billy Goats gruff element to it because there's like, look in the bean, Rick.

He's not in the bean, Rick. Look in the cesspit. He's not in the cesspit. Look in deal. You know that old nursery rhyme. Now we visit Yorkshire, namely Scarborough, and find something funny in the water. I have a story for you, which is very small.

It's so small it doesn't really have a name. It's a thing that used to happen. It's a folkloric practice, but there's no actual story. I really undersold it there. Yeah. I'm going to start again completely. Forget that. Hello again, James.

Oh, hello. I have a story for you, James, which very small and it comes from scarborough and king's hill and westwood in their book the fabled coast call it lucky water right the story in fact comes from james scofield's guide to scarborough which was published in the late 18th century 1787 and his book is an incredibly detailed description of what scarborough is like. I've not been able to find the first edition of it. I found the second edition online, in which he includes Hull and Beverley. Whoa.

He's been busy. That's out of his remit. And he's very concerned. Oh, sorry. Beverley the place. Beverley the place. Yes, it's not a geographical study of a person called Beverley. That would be grotesque. So he's talking about the new pier, and he describes a remarkable, unusual practice that goes on in Scarborough.

And he believes went on with the previous pier, but they're halfway through building the new pier. And I'm going to attempt to read from his book, but bear in mind all the S's look like F's. Oh, big F. Yeah, so it's a sort of F-E-S situation. Your old-fashioned big F. Yes. So if I stumble at all, that's the reason.

But basically, Scarborough is a sea coastal town, sea coastal as we say, where there are ships coming and going and people often, you know, wives and girlfriends are often left behind by sailors as they go off to sea and maybe, maybe never return. And so naturally there's a lot of anxiety about whether they're going to come back well,

especially in bad weather and storms and those kinds of things. And so Schofield describes a most whimsical superstitious rite, which is often secretly performed on the new pier. I'm reading now. Is that obvious? As it anciently was on the old one, with a view to appease the angry waves and obtain a propitious breeze favourable to the voyage's safe return, his fair spouse or other anxious female friend proceeds, unaccompanied, about forty paces along

the pier. Here, a small circular cavity among the stones, by which he means stones. Here, a small circular cavity among the stones which compose that huge mass of rocky fragments receives a saline and tepid libation. Now, I had to rely on Westwood and Kingshill to explain what that means. She wheeze in the hole. Oh. A saline and tepid libation. He's being coy.

He means wee-wee. Oh. Mm. They receive a saline and tepid libation, which is poured into it while the sacrificer, muttering her tenderest wishes, looks towards that quarter from whence the object of her anxiety is expected to arrive.

Is wee saline? I don't know. There's a lot of... That makes sense, actually. That it would be salty. I don't know if it's salty, but this guy is so confident that we will know it's salty that he uses it euphemistically. And tepid as well, because that is literally body temperature, isn't it?

Yeah, absolutely. According to... This is the second... It's good that he didn't say hot. So according to the first edition, he tells a story of a fisherman named Gradling who was given up for lost in a storm, according to Kings Hill and Westwood.

But when his wife carried out the ritual, Schofield reports, strange to relate, the libation was scarcely cold before the missing boat came in sight. And just the scene in which of the boat arriving and someone going, quick, check the temperature of that wee.

Blimey, it's still tepid. That's incredible. But I've got the second edition of the book in which that story has been removed and replaced with this extensive description of some birds that immediately follow, which apropos of absolutely nothing, you go straight from hilarious wee adventures

to this, which I'm going to read in full because it's ridiculous. Oh, sorry, there's another thing here, which is I'm pretty certain that this guy is sexually attracted to the sea. Here's what he says. So he's talking about the fact that the wee is used to still the sea, which I think is an example of sympathetic magic, like people would sometimes cut themselves and bleed

in order to try and make it rain. I think putting the warm, soothing waters of we into the ocean is a way of saying, oh, calm down a bit. Like my p*** is. Yes, be as calm as my p*** is what you're saying to the waves. Now, here's what he has to say about the ocean. Those opposite extremes are boisterous, agitated,

fear, it should have been C. It's so difficult to read. Here's what he has to say about the ocean. Those opposite extremes, a boisterous, agitated sea. It should have been sea. It's so difficult to read. Those opposite extremes, a boisterous, agitated sea, or its dimpling, meretricious smiles of allurement. Yeah, this guy fancies the sea. May here be contemplated with satisfaction and advantage. Hence you trace at the best point of view the alternate motion of the waves

previous to their dashing against the fringe of scar. Below, just at your feet, the scar-foul scream and skim, or plunge about its verge. Hovering gulls, innocently confident, almost touch you as they fly, are now and then a solitary jet-black cormorant, darts from behind the castle rock like a fell pirate, diving close along the surface of the deep, insatiable and meditating destruction. Two exclamation marks. But progressive time and an increase of progeny clips many a wing. It's not among the plumy tribe alone that five or six additions in family

impose some unavoidable degrees of retirement, gravity and seclusion. You just made me talk about a pier. What? Yeah. What is it? Then the next section, Scarborough Castle. You were telling me a story about magic wee-wee! Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

And you've replaced it with a weird slightly sexy bird diversion i like the name for the for birds was it plumie family the plumie tribe the plumie tribe aka birds yeah yeah you plumie tribe trying to get a sandwich in the park yeah seagulls don't cheekily almost touch you they angrily steal your food or maybe they've got gotten worse over the years in the olden days it started out as a bit of fun yeah well i mean things have changed but but but it is said that today if you go to scarborough on a friday and saturday night you can still see people urinating in public so you know and the sea is and the sea is as meretricious a minx as ever she was with its cheeky smiles oh you plumey throng so that that's that's the story and i think the reason why this is because this must have happened in other places because it seems like a traditional

magical ritual but it had too much we in it presumably for most folklorists to record it right and there's very few recordings of it. I tried to find versions of the book. There's not many versions of the book online. And if I Googled it, basically I found one blog, which was a specialist interest blog that wasn't mainly about folklore. Was it called Yellow and... I mean...

...Tepid? It was called Plumy Tribe. It was very strange. So in the modern... I'm just trying to think about, like, in modern times, you'd go to, like, a swimming pool with a wave function, and I'm sure kids wee in that, and the wave function still happens.

Yes. Definitely. I think urinating in the sea, we've all done it. Yes, we have all done it. A wave still exists. So I think that's maybe why they took it out because it clearly doesn't work well maybe you're right in googling this you wouldn't believe how many articles there are from major news publications saying is it safe to wee in the sea where they

interview a scientist and the scientist goes where do you think the wee goes i mean if you anywhere it ends up in the sea eventually oh but do they mean like because there's that story of a certain river like the amazon or something and if you pee in that ends up in the sea eventually. Oh but do they mean like because there's that story of a certain river like the Amazon or something and if you pee in that there's certain bugs that crawl up and get in your willy.

Yeah that's not happening in Scarborough though is it? Or Lady Willie. I don't know what they have. That's not going to happen if you're swimming in the North Sea. No.

You're the only thing alive in the North Sea. Because of all the piss. Yeah. Just buoyed up on your own wee. Would you float more if it's salty you would float more. Yes the more saline and the North Sea. Because of all the... Yeah. Just buoyed up on your own wee. Would you float more in... Well, if it's salty, you would float more in.

Yes, the more saline, and the more tepid it becomes, the more you'd float. So the Dead Sea... Yeah, and it raises some questions that... Could be full of... I, on holiday, saw a kid, a toddler. It was a beach that didn't have a toilet.

The kid had obviously told his parents that he wanted to have a wee, so they go in the sea and he basically just stood ankle deep in the shallows got his penis out urinated freely onto the waves it was really funny it's a very strange example of sort of socialization because like two centimeters above the sea completely unacceptable two centimeters below the surface, who knows? Well... Anything could happen. There's a sudden warm current come in.

Yeah, that happens sometimes. Don't look down. Oh, the storm has stopped and my lover has returned. Yeah, where'd all these waves go? Have you been weeing in the sea again? So that's the story of the women of Scarborough and their magic wee. Are they weeing off the pier? Through a hole in the sea again? So that's the story of the women of Scarborough and their magic wee. Are they weeing off the pier?

Through a hole in the pier, specially designed for this purpose, yes. Wow. Straight in. Shum. Slash. I mean, the number of people who must have just twisted ankles or just fallen through that hole. Yeah. Well, we can't get rid of it. That's the weeing hole. We might lose a sailor. Yeah, exactly. So what's more important?

But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Why is the wee man become the sea? I'd say of all the waters that a human produces, that's one of the most violent. Yeah, you reckon? It comes out as quite a force

and it foams somewhat. I don't know. Does it show dominance over? He calls it a libation, and a libation is a drink that you pour out for a god or as part of a ritual. You know, like when fallen comrades, people pour out drinks. So it's a sign of respect like that.

But in this case, a bladder instead of a glass. To offer up your own water to Neptune, top him up a little bit. And he's like, ooh, what's that? Been eating asparagus. And he's like, oh, is that wee? Have your

sailors back. He's got wee in me now. Like all wee goes in the sea. Is this why there's two times? It's got to be tepid, James. I was very clear about that. Yeah, exactly. Before it's even got cold. That's fair enough. Are we judging this on the normal point system?

I think we could do a couple. I don't know about naming. Oh, yes. It was very close to being a zero. It's not a story. I don't think it's fair to judge it as a story. It's not quite a story. It's a little folklore-ette. Yes.

Like a floret of folklore. Just a little bit of garnish, a little sprig. It contains the words plumy throng, which amuses me somewhat, and it's how I'm going to shout. How I'm going to augment my shouting at birds now is to call them one of the plumy throng and mutter so uh yeah that gets it's going to get a two a two fair enough all right what about supernatural

now it is gonna get zero it's gonna get zero how is it gonna get zero it's magic magic way it's traditional magic we it's it's a it's traditional magic way yeah it's traditional. Magic wee. It's traditional magic wee. Yeah, it's traditional sympathetic magic. That's what it is. You know, this is ancient deep magic. How is that not supernatural? Because... It wasn't even cold, James.

We've always been weeing, but waves still happen, so it obviously doesn't work. That's what makes it so supernatural. She just wees and the sailor comes back. You're a cruel man, James. Yes. A cruel mistress. That's you.

Okay, my next category, extraneous birds. Oh, yes. Well, again, many. You get a throng of four. A plumy throng of four points. Thank you very much. Because there's way too many birds. There are way too many birds in a bit that isn't about birds.

Yeah, that should be about urine. And that brings me neatly onto my final category, wee. Now, this is difficult. You should get a five. Yes, I agree. But I want to give you a number one. One it is. Yes!

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Gone wrong. It's got witches in it, though. I don't mind. That was a really West Country noise. He said, it's got witches in it. I don't mind. So don't mind. So don't mind.

So don't mind. It's got witches in it. I don't mind. I don't mind. It does sound like, it's got witches in it. They're not mine. Whose witches are these? They're not mine.