Loremen Podcast - S2 Ep8: Loremen S2 Ep8 - Sindhu Vee - Everything Happens For The Best and The Pickled Parson

Episode Date: February 7, 2019

Guest LorePerson Sindhu Vee (Edinburgh Best Newcomer Nominee 2018) explains exactly why Everything Happens For The Best via the medium of Indian folklore that involves some mild torture. Alasdair recounts a Durham tale that is basically a religious Weekend At Bernies. Find the show notes here: www.loremenpodcast.com/episode-8-s2 @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.loremenpodcast.com/about www.facebook.com/LoremenPod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @SindhuVFunny

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. I keep my friends close. And I'm James Shakeshaft. I keep my enemies' copies of the magazine closer. In this tale, we travel to India with the comedian Sindhu V. And by India, I mean the very noisy backroom of a comedy club. The sound quality is a bit dodgy, but we loved Sindhu's story too much not to include it. Keep listening at the end for a little apology from Sindhu,

who, it turns out, got one of the characters' names wrong. She's really embarrassed, but you know what they say, everything happens for the best. Here's the story. We should probably explain where we are, given the music, because of the music. Yes, as listeners might be able to hear, there is the sound of comedy entertainment happening in the background and maybe some music, because we are backstage

at the Bill Murray Comedy Club in Islington with the comedian Sindhu V. Hello. Hello. Hello. And we've invited you here as a deputy law woman to tell us a local legend. Okay. Could you tell us

what is the name of your legend? Well, I've given it a name which is Everything Happens for the Best. When I was growing up and it was told to me and my cousins and whatever, it wasn't told like, oh, here is a story. You typically had done something and you were complaining that

it hadn't worked out and your parent or your aunt or your grandmother pulled you aside and said just shut up and listen to this and then just started the story it's like a fable or something like it's like a fable it's a it's like a asaps fable so it sounds like it's got a warning and it sounds like it's got like a dot dot dot like everything happens for the best no it's literally everything happens for the best full stop end of in literally everything happens for the best, full stop, end of. In order to make it, I'll pretend something bad's happened to me and then you can do that. Oh, I've just spilt my cup of tea all over my trousers. Oh, God, that's annoying.

That's such a small thing. I think you would be totally ignored by everyone in India if you said that. I spilled my cup of tea all over my trousers. Now say that you didn't get the job you wanted. Oh, I just, I didn't get the job because I spilled a cup of tea now say that you didn't get the job you wanted I didn't get the job because I spilled a cup of tea on the guy in the interview oh don't feel bad because you know

you never know what's next because everything happens for the best listen to this story so what are you doing laughing at my story it was the smile you did when you said here comes the story we knew a story was coming. So, you know, there was a Mughal emperor in India, Akbar.

There were many of them, but Akbar was one of the, he's remembered as one of the most enlightened. He is responsible for Urdu, for example, which is a mix of Arabic, Persian and Hindi. Anyway, and he was just a great guy, all-around great guy. One of the reasons he was considered to be so wise, etc., etc., enlightened, is he was the first one of the emperors to have a, he had his nine wise people in the court. And these nine wise people, they were in and of themselves very important people. They were minor kings. They were poets. And they were from everywhere, from within India.

They were Hindu. They were Persian. They were Muslim. It didn't matter. And they were called Navratan. Ratan means jewel, the nine jewels of his court. I read that because I read that he had nine jewels, and I was really disappointed to find out that they were real people.

Because I felt like he went to, one, there was a desert land he had to get through and he got the jewel and the ice world and he got the jewel and he collected them all. Richard O'Brien's there. I can see why you guys liked Raiders of the Lost Ark. It's like,

at the end of everything there's this big jewel and some Indian kind of guy has got it. I never watched that movie. I mean, why do you think we went to India

in the first place? We heard there were jewels. And you did right. Hello Kohinoor, still ours ours but you guys have it fine it's in what's her face is yeah no but jewels are a big thing for us i mean they still are for my mother it's still a huge thing you know she when i was getting married she brought a jewelry set for my mother-in-law uh to for the engagement and my mother-in-law's ears are not pierced she's like an older danish lady and my mother was sitting we had all ears are not pierced. She's like an older Danish lady and my mother was sitting,

we had all met, she was sitting there and she looked at her ears and she leaned, very conspicuously, leaned over to me and said in Hindi, in front of everybody, what is wrong with her ears?

Why are they not pierced? But in Hindi and I was like, ha ha ha, mommy, you're so funny. And then she said, you want to come with me to kitchen? So we went into the kitchen

and she said to me, does she have that disease that when you bleed you die i said no no she's like well why are her ears not pierced i'm like my over here they don't do it as a thing she's like oh god okay i have brought her the very beautiful ruby set but it's okay she'll give it to you okay whatever happens happens for the best. You have so neatly brought us back to the story. Brought you back to the story. So he had these nine jewels.

Now, they were all very wise and very accomplished in their own right. But the one that he was most fond of is, for lack of a better translation, think of him as the court jester. His name was Babar. And he was, they say that he was of a Sikh extraction. We don't really know, but that's what we go with. In India, you have these comics called Amar Chitra Katha,

which is Amar means immortal, chitra, picture, katha, stories. So they're all the stories of our traditions from every single angle, you know, Hindu, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, whatever, Sufi. And there are these comic books. And so when you were growing up, you would buy one and it would be like the only thing you had for six months and you would go to your friend's house, you traded them. They were only full of stories about our folklore, basically. So in that he was a sardar, a Sikh. So as far as you're concerned, he's a Sikh, all right. And so Babur was his favorite. And one time Akbar had gone out for a hunt. He wanted to go you're concerned, he's a Sikh, all right? And so Babur was his favorite.

And one time, Akbar had gone out for a hunt. He wanted to go out for a hunt, and it was getting to be evening. So because he was called Jahapana, which is emperor of the universe. So Jahapana, you know, he went with a big entourage, and he was a big hunter. And Babur went with him. And Babur was sort of, he was sort of iffy about hunting, about being out on a horse for so long, blah, blah. But he's like, I got to go. It's Jhampana, whatever. So they went. And then it got to be evening.

And all the Akbar's people said, we need to go back. And Babur was like, sir, we need to go back. And Akbar was like, I'm not going back. I haven't got a stag yet. You know, this was like an original stag do, but a very different kind of connotation, I suppose. Anyway, so they were hunting, and then they found a stag, and the light wasn't good. So Akbar took out his bow and arrow really carefully, and he got it ready,

and he was about to take a shot, but because the light wasn't good, he missed. And he let his, have you ever done bow and arrow? No. Yes. You know how they're quite jagged, and if you let his... Have you ever done bow and arrow? No. Yes. You know how they're quite jagged, and if you let them go before you're ready, they have to go right past your thumb. And what you do when you have to let them go...

My mom taught me this. What you have to really let go is you have to sort of move your thumb and then let them go, otherwise they'll take off the side of your thumb. Oh. And he let it go before, and he cut the side of his thumb, and he was in pain and furious. And the

moment it happened, he said, oh my God, this dad got away. And just then Babur said, oh my Lord, don't worry, whatever happens, happens for the best. Well, it would be not incorrect to say this is not what Akbar wanted to hear. He was tired. He was, you know, emperor of the universe. He didn't need this dweeb saying this. Listen, Baba, I'm tired. Yeah. I'm the emperor of the universe. Which is stressful enough. Enough. And I expect. You're stressing out my thumb. Yeah, no, but that didn't come up. And then he said, and I've hurt my thumb. I'm really upset. I missed the stag. I've hurt my thumb. How dare you? And Babur held his ground. And this is why Akbar liked him. Babur was the only one that used to say to Akbar what he thought,

which no one ever did because they didn't want their head lopped off. Because no matter how enlightened emperors of the universe are, they've got a bit of Kim Il-Jong in them as well. They will just be like, no, I don't like that. Take off his head. So he got so aggravated because Babur said, I know, my lord, I'm sorry about your thumb, but whatever happens, happens for the best. Now let's go back.

We double down. And Akbar said, go back. There's only one place you're going, which is to your death. All right, I'm going back. So he called his people and he said, string him up upside down from a banyan tree. Banyan trees are very tall because the way you die that way is your blood eventually just keeps rushing into your head then your eyeballs pop up it's a way it's very painful yeah it's very slow and painful i mean but it's got quite a fun end

yeah i mean you know but it's and it also gives you time that way of execution they say gives a person time to think about what they've done wrong. Certainly it does. And the oxygen to the brain they need. Yeah, for example, to really contemplate in a deep state. Anyway, so Babar said, Babar at this point was like, you know, he wasn't past begging for his life. He was like, oh no, really, please, whatever. Akbar was like, I don't want to hear from you.

And all the other guys were like, Babar, shut up, because we're all going to get killed. So they strung him up and they latkaoed him. They hung, he was dangling. And Akbar said, we're off, let's go. Now, it had become very dark. Now, one of the things that is very pertinent to this story is, in India, or in the subcontinent at the time, there was the mainstream government, as there is. And even in the Mahabharata, which is 5,000 years old, and it's a religious myth, you know, even there you had mainstream governance, mainstream law and order.

Then you had the Bhils. Bhils were tribals. They were always outside the purview of whatever you thought was law or religion. They did their own thing. And they lived in the forest. They didn't come out. They didn't mess. But you didn't law or religion. They did their own thing. And they lived in the forest. They didn't come out. They didn't mess. But you didn't mess with them.

Even Jahapana couldn't mess with them because they were forest people. You couldn't find them. They knew the ways of the forest. And these were dense forests. They were like literally littered, literally littered with tigers and snakes and stuff. Big time.

No one wanted to mess with the Bhils. And the Bhils were interesting. It's so interesting to me that they exist through thousands of years of Indian folklore and history and mythology as a people that just didn't adhere to what was mainstream. They were harmless until you messed with them,

which is, I think, the best time to harm someone is when they're messing with you. Otherwise, don't harm them, you know. So Akbar and his people went back, but it was dark and Akbar got separated. He got lost and he got caught by the Beals. And the Beals were like, this is great. We've got one of you guys. And he tried to show his ring, his imperial ring. And they were like, they didn't care. And they said, it's time for a sacrifice to the gods. And we need a sacrifice. And we've been waiting. You're the sacrifice.

They made a big cauldron, I suppose, filled it with hot oil, and said, you're going in there. But before we give the sacrifice, which I also understand, because when I do my prayers, you have to wash all the fruit. They were like, we need to wash this guy. So they went, and he was screaming and saying, I'm the emperor of the universe, I'm this. They were like, dude, whatever.

And they were bathing him and cleaning him. And as they came to clean every part of his. And they were bathing him and cleaning him. And as they came to clean every part of his body, they saw that his thumb was cut. And they said, oh, we can't give, because you can never give a flower that's been smelt, food that's been tasted, or a fruit that's bruised to the gods. I can't even now. So sometimes you send the kids out to pluck a flower to put in the puja. And I'm like, don't smell it. And they're like, but why mama? I'm like, dude, just don't do it. We have one flower. It's November. Don't smell it. Similarly, you could not give a, you know, a human being, you know, if you were doing puja and you need to sacrifice a human being, you wouldn't give one that had a

fresh cut. So they were like, oh, we can't believe so lame. So they slapped him around a bit and said, get out. So he he left and as he was running through the forest presumably with some underpants or something because this is india no one's ever naked like literally no one's ever naked um when i was having my first child and my obstetrician was a man my mother said i'm gonna have the child through the underpants and i said but i won't she said oh he will see you naked. I'm like, exactly. This is a very bad thing. That was her big thing was,

are you going to have the kid through your underpants? Because it's a man. She just couldn't conceive. A full suit, a full pantsuit. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so he ran through the forest. And as he was running, he thought, Babar was right. I cut my thumb and it saved my life.

Everything happens for the best. And he thought, oh, my friend Babar, you have never, ever let me down. You've always given me good advice. And now I've strung you up somewhere and you're probably dead. So he actually doesn't go back to his palace. He roams the forest, roams, also hiding from the Bhils, although he's quite sure he'll be fine because he's like, hello, look at my thumb. And he finds Babur, who's semi-conscious.

So he's so humble in his friendship to Babur that he climbs the tree, cuts the rope, maybe with his teeth, they don't tell you in the comic. And then Babur falls to the ground and he, you know, whatever, slaps him and says, wake up, wake up. He gives him some water. Babur comes out of his semi-coma. And he says, Babur, you were right, you know, whatever, slaps him and says, wake up, wake up. He gives him some water. Baba comes out of his semi-coma and he says, Baba, you were right. You were right.

And he tells him the story. He's like, you were right. Everything does happen for the best. Look at my thumb. Will you ever forgive me for what I've done to you? And Baba says, I don't have to forgive you because what happened to me is also shows that everything happens for the best. And Akbar said, you know, I don't even know why you would say that

are you trying to shame me again he said no Japana because if you hadn't left me here we would have been lost together because they always rode together and they would have found you damaged but not me I don't have any cuts and I would have been sacrificed to the gods so everything happens

for the best I nearly applauded that's a good story right now i when you sent the link i i googled this um and there is i've watched an animation in i i apologize for not knowing which indian language probably hindi probably but it was quite racist like in its in its depiction because like the emperor character is so white he looks like a mortgage advisor from Buckinghamshire

it looks like his name is Simon Anderson or something like that whereas Baba is a little bit tanned but like the tribesperson is like green the colours are insane when you say that the depictions are racist is that just because the skin colors are different what i mean is it it seems to me to be followed it was very cheap animation like when there are

horses they don't show the legs like they keep riding around and shots are widely framed so they don't have to do the leg movement what i mean is it has the the disney aladdin thing of if you're the hero then you look like a white american and if you're the hero, then you look like a white American. And if you're the bad guy, I see. Then you look like a person from wherever this is set. I see. It's that said,

India has its own version of color based. Well, yes, but also India has so many races that if you're reading a comic about some things, some of the people are more fair than the other ones, and that's okay. They're just different. But for example, in India,

so it could be, I mean, who knows, but Babur was a Persian, effectively. If Babur was a Sikh, he would have been more tanned. And the tribals are genuinely, they're outside all the time. My dad's a South Indian, and they're Dravidians,

so they're totally different than the North. So he's super dark super dark super dark so when you read comics in India from the south if they tried to neutralize the color you'd never know

what was going on you'd be like that person would never live here because India in that way you have different parts of India

living my mother's a north Indian she's probably your color but a little bit more tan because she lives in India just for clarity you're pointing at James not me the ginger one my mother loves you you know that can I just tell this story we did a competition together and Alistair won uh very deservedly but he was so generous in the

interview about it that he said oh you know because I had done well as well and I and uh and he said oh you know she did so well I thought she should have got it. So I was showing my mother and my mother never commented on his looks or anything. And then as he said that, she said, oh, he's not only looking, but he's behaving like a real Jesus. I love him. When I meet him, I will kiss him. I'm like, no, don't do that. She loves Alistair. And so, you know, she's... So I do think, though, that because India has so much racism about color, color-based whatever-ism, it's a terrible thing. But in the way in which people are drawn, it's genuinely to... It would be weird if you drew my dad to look like my mom

because I'd be like, but his name is... What's going on? That's why I'm very confusing in India. Because I'm tall like a North Indian, but my surname is South Indian. People meet me and say, what's going on? Literally. It's, you know, and that's, I think, a function of the fact that the subcontinent has so many different people and races.

And we won't discriminate, but we're kind of like, you're able to poke fun about the differences between you that are along cultural language food religious lines because there's an understanding that you're all from the same place which is why you know when people go off to the deep ends in india and say this is a hindustan it's only only for Hindus, you're like, you're crazy. And, you know, someone take these people out. I mean, I don't mean that like in a bad way. Just take them out of the room.

You know? That's why it's so anomalous. You have 80% of a billion people are Hindu, and yet we find it anomalous if someone says this is Hindustan. Unless you're one of the people who thinks, like the super white guys who think that America is for white Christians. You know what I mean? That kind of thing. It's like, what are you talking about? Anyways, so that's my story. Now it's scoring time, Sindhu. Do you have some categories for us? I do. And I want you to remember, as I read you out these categories, that

in some cases you can give full points, five out of five. Right? We've both folded our hands. I know, I know. But you know what? Just so you know. So the first category is points for supernatural. This is a classic category. It's been somewhat hoisted upon this story. It's going to be very hard to give full points for a story

in which I think nothing supernatural happens. No, nothing supernatural happens. And I can say that we could, I mean, I could have argued to you that you should give me points if we knew who the Beals prayed to. But we didn't know. No one knows.

In the version I read, it said the goddess Kali from the Temple of Doom. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm glad. I think I think... You've nearly got a point just from the Indiana Jones reference there, but you're shaking your head.

Well, because for two reasons. One is I, by and large, discourage people from getting their chief education about Hinduism from Indiana Jones. And second of all, this is... And the second is this is a pet peeve of mine.

The Bheels, you know, there's been such an effort in modern times to sort of homogenize them into the larger acceptable strands of faith that the subcontinent has. That now in this story, whichever one you read, the Bhils were praying to Kali. The Bhils were not Hindus. They might have been praying to some goddess or they might have been praying to a tree. We don't know. I'm, you know, I hate losing.

Let me tell you that. But I'm willing to forego points on this you made a very persuasive case for zero out of five yeah well because i just can't do that like in all good faith you know i can't do that to the bills so it wasn't kali and we don't know what they were praying to and it wasn't supernatural and i just think that for my earnest honesty you should give me at least one point i mean seriously i'm looking i'm looking to you, James, because I'm a soft touch. You're English. I'm sure if I tried hard enough, I'd guilt

you guys into this. I can't give you a point for super natural. Fine. Okay. So no white guilt creeping into that. No. Honesty is the best policy. Whoever said that's an idiot. Next one is names or naming. Oh the names well i i would pause before attempting to pronounce any of the names no no no no no we're gonna say it the right

way okay i'm gonna say you're gonna say it after me akbar akbar yeah and it's akbar not akbar akbar yeah jahapana jahapana so that's emperor of the universe. Of the universe. Like He-Man, is it? He was a master. He was a master. I'm sorry. He was a master. It's a slightly different. Yeah.

When you're a master, you have to work it. This guy was just emperor. Boom. Babar. Babar. Babar. Bhil. Bhil.

Bhil. With a B. Bhil. Bhil. Bhil. See, are we saying it, are we pronouncing it correctly or are we doing an impression of you because I'm not sure you're pronouncing it correctly

if you do an impression of me you're pronouncing it correctly I mean you might have a terrible accent for all I know no no my Hindi is extraordinary just so you know that's just that

but also every time I say an English name I am in a way impersonating all of you think about that it's like when you see like when someone with a very strong accent goes and teaches english abroad and all the people they've taught have got like a scouse accent or something yeah yeah yes yeah any foreign players that play for liverpool teams they have they speak they speak spanish like scouse it's so weird i mean and i

you know the idea that if you were saying it correctly you're impersonating me the only person that then would be not weird would be my mother who again listens to an English name and then just says whatever the thing is that she thinks that sounded like you know so I have a friend from Israel whose name is Shani and her husband is Johnny Jonathan my mother always calls them Shawnee Johnny how is Shawnee Johnny I'm like her name's Shawnee Jonathan. My mother always calls them Shawnee Johnny. How is Shawnee Johnny? I'm like, her name's Shawnee. Huh, Shawnee? And she calls most, most Western women that she doesn't know well, Jenny.

Just to be safe. Jenny. That's a good name. Jenny. Because I'm a foreigner, I feel like if you're going to say my name the way I say it, then you can't worry that it's racist because that's how I say my name. So I think what you're saying there is me and James can't be racist. Not to me about my name.

If you were sitting here... No, no, no, it's not me. No, no, in general. If you will, carte blanche, which is probably inappropriate. I don't think I could say that. I think it's what they used originally. Yeah, you know, but I think when it comes to racism, I think that context is very important, you know,

to subtle racism and things like that. Like out and out racism, no, but subtle racism, I think, especially on the circuit, I found that people are so nervous. And it's like, dude, what is the context? And also this fear that you're going to say something subtly racist, it's very, it takes a lot of agency away from the listener. I think it's very important for the health and the development of both more sensitive thinking, as it is coming about now in our time, you know, we're more sensitive to people,

that alongside maintaining comedy, that's the thing that's very important important is how much does content play a role versus context. It's a very important thing because you can't go down the snowflake way. You can't. It's slippery, for one thing. It's very, very slippery. It's very wine. There's so many snowflakes in India at the moment as well. Naming.

Well, after all this racism, let's go back to judging how silly these four are. Yes, let's do it. Babar, Akbar, Jhampana, Bheel. I like it because

we've got Akbar, which made me think of Admiral Akbar from Star Wars. We've got Baba, which made me think of Baba the Elephant from my childhood. And we've got Bheel, which made me think of Baba the Elephant from my childhood. And we've got Beale, which made me think of Ian Beale from East End.

So I'm giving it a five out of five. Yes! I endorse that also because we got a little free pass that we are not racists. Yeah. I really enjoyed this. Literally one word. Well done. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In this podcast podcast for the names we've gone through these two are not racist yes yes I'm putting that in my book alright the next

category is called commit to the bit and what do you mean by that well

first of all as a comic you know when you get on stage and you say something and they don't laugh you think this is funny I need to get this across so you mean by that? First of all, as a comic, you know, when you get on stage and you say something and they don't laugh, you think, this is funny, I need to get this across, so you stick with that bit. That is what Babar did when Akbar let that arrow go too early and he missed the stag

and he said, this is a terrible thing. And Babar said, everything happens for the best. And then Akbar was in pain and said, how dare you say that? Look at my thumb. I'm bleeding. It's a flesh wound. It bleeds a lot. I'm not sure he said that, but he might have because they do bleed a lot my thumb I'm bleeding it's a flesh wound it bleeds a lot I'm not sure he said that

but he might have because they do bleed a lot and I'm in pain at that point Baba doubled down he committed to the bit he said so it is my lord

but still everything that happens happens for the best that is some guts and he didn't get a laugh even then no and dire things

happened to him I mean he literally nearly died not quite on stage, but much worse death. And then right at the end when he gets found and Akbar says, I'm so sorry, will you ever forgive me? He triples down because he says, oh my

Lord, you don't ask me that because at the end of the day, the fact that you left me here meant everything happens for the best. And Akbar again got annoyed. He had some anger management issues and said, are you trying to shame me for what I did? He said, no, my lord. Everything happens for the best because if I had gone with you, blah, blah, blah, I'd be the sacrifice. So it was sort of like a shiny dog story with a really long setup.

Yeah. And then finally he hits him with the punchline after the whole thing. Well, he hit him right in the beginning and it didn't go down. He was like, no, I believe in this bit. I'm sticking to it. I mean, to the point where I would give my life up for this bit. None of us, we're all three comics, have ever said, I'm going to do this bit to the point where I might actually lose my actual physical life.

That's called committing to the bit. Definitely. I think it would have been sweeter, though, if at the end he said, everything happens for a reason. I think it would have been sweeter, though, if at the end he said, everything happens for a reason, and then the original deer came up with a load of donuts on its antlers. Everyone had a great time in their freeze frame. And also, never forget, never confuse everything happens for the best

with everything happens for a reason. Those are two very different things. Yes, I'm sorry. Is there a different story where Labar nearly dies for insisting? No, because as my mother said to me,

what is this thing people are saying here in Europe and America? Everything happens for a reason. Of course it happens for a reason. Nothing happens for non-reason.

We are not dead in a vacuum. I'm not sure what that even means but you get the gist. I think it's a high school for commit to the bitch yeah totally definitely five out of five oh my god you are on a roll i am on a roll the the next category is the last category and it is um called pernickety and who is pernickety in the story who do you think

who do you think lived in the forest and was running around naked with not even what my father would call loincloths? With not even loincloths. And the women were simply bare-breasted. Simply? Simply. They're out there, these mystery people that you're going to guess, out there in the forest. But literally, they're just forest people. They themselves are almost naked.

They don't come across the, you know, mainland, mainstream guys to give for sacrifice, which is a huge deal to them. Then they get one, and he's not only just any one. He's like super well-dressed. He's crazy angry, so very animated. So obviously in the, you know, robust health. He's the right kind of sacrifice. He has one little scratch on his thumb

and they're like, oh, can't believe. Oh. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, really? So it's the peels,

obviously. It's the peels. The peels. The peels. Ian Beal. Ian Beal. Ian Beal. I mean,

if you needed something really badly and it had one tiny thing, if you got it, if you're waiting for a meal and it was super expensive and you couldn't get your money back and there was an eyelash on the edge of the plate, would you throw it away? I was just remembering the other day that I did rung up Nestle because I got a... You rung up Nestle?

Because I had a KitKat without any wafer in it. I'm sorry, how good does that sound? It is actually amazing. It was, I know, I was going to say. Did you just ring them up to thank them? They give you a lifelong supply of cat? They're meant to give you a box. And I rang up and I put a voice on.

What was the voice? Please, please put it on, I beg you. Indian accent, I think. It was, I said, I think there's something a little bit, I've had a you did your own voice someone who would phone Nestle

if they were you yeah well I started off my own voice and then I clonked at my wife was laughing at me so I pretended

I was doing it for a joke and then I've got the I'll just it's more out of concern for you because there might

be something wrong with the factory. And then I said, will there be any sort of, and then I thanked him and I said, is there any sort of reimbursement? And they sent me a cheque. A cheque for how much? 50p.

Who? Who passed the 50p cheque? Nestle. You know who's penicillin? Nestle. Nestle, exactly. Nestle. That's insane.

Printed out and everything like not even like a written like proper like a you know shop check where are we on pernickety I think they were very pernickety 4 out of 5 so I just want to say I am 14 out of 20 that's not bad

that's not bad at all considering the things you've written out there yeah 14 out of 20 I just want to see my percentage. Go ahead. Are you doing the maths? I'm doing the maths. I want to see how much 14 out of 20 percentage is. What do you do there? What is that? 70%, I think.

Yeah, not bad. 75 is an A, but that's fine. I'll live with 70. Can you tell I'm from a South Asian background? You can't say it, but you're thinking it. Hey, Alistair, ABK, hey, James. Just a quick thing to say. I started listening to the episode, the Lormen episode, so nice until I started speaking. And it was not so nice anymore, because I've been calling Birbal barber when I was talking about it with you. Why would I make

that mistake? I mean, it's sacrilege. If my mother ever hears it, she's going to beat me up completely. And that's not easy, given that she's 5'4 and I'm 5'10, but she'll do it. Basically, look, man, I think I was tired. And I think I was thinking about Akbar's dad. I started explaining who Akbar is. And then I said, Babar. And by the way, Babar is not even Akbar's dad. Babar is just the guy who started the Mughal Empire, just the guy. Forget all that. Listen, it's Birbal. This story is about Akbar and Birbal. And huge apologies to your listeners who have probably been, I don't know, vomiting into a trash can listening to this rubbish from me. Please, please, please take this as an apology and as a correction. The story is about Birbal and Akbar. Thanks. Bye.

And now we have the beginning of a tongue twister in the form of a pickled parsley. I got a story from Durham. Is it about cows? It is. No, it's not. Are you just changing, in your mind, changing the word cow for not cow? Vicar. No, I was just customised down to the page before I said with confidence that there are no cows in it.

No. Oh, there's my phone. That's the old Durham Cow Alert. Don't forget to mention us. It's just live updates for whatever's happening with Durham's cows. Anyway, my story for you from County Durham is the Pickled Parson of Sedgefield. Brilliant. I love it already. The title sold it to me,

and it's an extremely short niblet of a story. Okay. Sedgefield, of course, shot to fame because it was the constituency of popular politician Anthony Blair. Known popularly as Tony Blair. Yeah. Whatever happened to Tony Blair? I don't know. Anyway, that's Sedgefield.

And this is the story of the Reverend Garnish, which is like carnage with a G. Yeah, it sounds a bit more like garnish. Yeah. A mad amount of garnish. He was an extremely decorative parson, and he died in December of 1747, a cold winter. And the way things worked being a sort of a vicar in those days

is that you were paid by the people in the local parish. And they would pay a tithe to you every year. Yeah. And that was paid around about the 20th of December. So this is extremely troubling for his wife, because he dies before the tithe is paid. And since he's dead, the tithe will go to the Bishopric of Durham. And his family, her...

The Bishop what of Durham? The Bishopric, which is a word we've used in the podcast before. I can't believe I haven't called it out before. No bleeping necessary. Bishopric, it's a word. The Bishopric of Durham. That's what she called him. The tithe will go to the Bishopric of Durham.

Basically, she's going to be penniless. And people, vicars in the old days were quite poor anyway. That's why we have poor as a church mouse and thatric of Durham. Basically, she's going to be penniless. And people, vicars in the old days were quite poor anyway. That's why we have poor as a church mouse and that sort of thing. So horrible news for her. But she comes up with a plan. And using either salt or brandy, she preserves the body of her dead husband, the Reverend, and props him up in the window for others to see for the week that she has to go in order to meet the tithe now we don't know whether she used bits of string to make him wave at passers-by we don't know if rocking around the christmas tree was even playing while this happened um but that's what she did and it worked

and nobody realized he was dead she collected the tithe and then after that she announced the death of her husband from drowning in salt but mean, you could ask the question, who is penniless but can afford enough brandy to pickle a human man? Bad news, though. The spirit of the person who was a pious man was not particularly pleased about being used in a Home Alone-style jape. The Weekend at Bernie's-esque scam. Yep, as hilarious as those films are he didn't see the

funny side of it and his spirit well i'd just like to say in home alone kevin mccallister does not animate corpses unless i've seen a very different version of the film home alone um according to um very much the jeffrey darmer of kids movies according to legends and superstitions of Durham, 1886, the spirit of the parson infested the neighbourhood for the better part of half a century, making the nights hideous. Until, and this is the end of the story,

in 1792, there was a fire in the rectory, and, quote, from that day and hour, the apparition was never more seen. So, after the building that the ghost was in burned down, it was gone. Nobody in that building that burnt down ever saw it again. Presumably because the ghost was highly flammable because of all the brandy. So that is a very short story of the pickled parson of Sedgefield.

And interesting side note, I looked into this. Tony Blair actually died just before the 1997 general election and they pickled him in brandy just to get him over the line the deal was that he would animate his corpse and it's like i'm i'm tony please education vote for us education education education it's stuck the tape's stuck. The tape's stuck. Scores. The first category I have for you is names. Yeah. Well, the Pickled Priest of Pickletown. The Pickled Parson of Sedgefield. That's quite a good name. Pickled Parson of Sedgefield.

That's great. Tony Blair. Good name. Sullied. I saw someone on the internet had rearranged the letters to make it... Tony B. Lyre. B. Lyre. had rearranged the letters to make it... Tony B. Lyre.

B. Lyre. I would not want to be the millionaire Tony Blair around about now. Go, go. Go, Tony, go, go. Tony B. Lyre. Once again, we're going to have to fork out for PRS rights. Absolutely spot on impersonation. Yeah, my wonderful song parodies.

We've got Tony Blair. Tony B. Lyre. Not a great name. Sedgefield. The Bishop Prick. The Bishop Prick of Durham. Yeah, my wonderful song parodies. We've got Tony Blair. Tony Blair. Not a great name. Sedgefield. The Bishop Prick. The Bishop Prick of Durham. Yeah, I like that one. Yeah.

I'm going to go large with a three because we don't know the wife's name. Sorry. I did check in the book. It's not there. Mm-hmm. Okay. What about Supernatural? See, I fear there's two very natural explanations for these the the apparitions

post scam apparitions one is it's a terrible pun and that the spirit that infested the town was the spirit of brandy oh and it gave people terrible hangovers and that's that's it and that it stopped when uh when the when the house burned down and the brandy all evaporated and burned away. Well, that's an interesting theory. Theory two is Mrs. Pickleparson. She didn't stop the scam. She kept going. You think it's a hustle?

Yeah, she's doubling down. She's thinking, I'm going to do this for a bit. I'm going to use my reanimated corpse skills to make people think there's that he's now a ghost i'm gonna dress myself up as some sort of ghostbuster and and extort money you think it's like the sting is that the whole thing is a just a scam it's all scam or scamola definitely uh and she unfortunately her plans were thwarted when her house blew up midway through in an unsatisfactory midway-through-story explosion. An unsatisfactory midway-through-story explosion?

Yeah, well, you don't get many of them, but when they do, they're noteworthy. It's a low two because we don't really know much of what he did apart from that it was bad as a ghost. He was much more fun when he was dead but not a ghost. was the fun bit when he was effectively a puppet yeah and my final category weekend at bernie oh yep i've left the s off burn bernies to make it weekend at bernie because the house burned down the personage burns down the personage and there's also the animated corpse a la weekend uh yeah i's. Yeah, I think five. I mean, it can't be any more reanimated corpse-like

than reanimating the corpse of a vicar, propping him up in a church. Was he Catholic? I'm assuming not, because it's... You could have easily done the confession box scam. Oh, yeah. Just popped him in there. And they got a lot of smelly stuff in Catholic

churches. You wouldn't ever need to have pickled him. That's true. Another reason why Catholics are not to be trusted, as I'm always saying. Because they may animate. How do you know they're not a reanimated corpse puppet? You've been listening to Lawmen, the Lawmen of James Shakespeare and Alastair Beckett King.

Please subscribe, rate, review and recommend to a friend. You can tweet us at LawmenPod or email us at contact at lawmenpodcast.com to suggest stories from your area. at lawmenpodcast.com to suggest stories from your area. That was Lawmen and we are the Lawmen.

Alastair Beckett-King and... James Shakespeare. Why am I saying the and as well? I don't know. I'm going to do that again. Search for us in all the usual places.

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