Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep101: Loremen S3 Ep101 - Seán Burke - St Columba and the Monster

Episode Date: March 17, 2022

Happy St Patrick's Day! To celebrate, we tell the monster-packed tale of Ireland's rival patron, St Colmcille (aka St Columba). Joining us is the frankly hilarious Seán Burke, an actual Irish comedian, who is remarkably forgiving about the Lorebois Irish-ish accents. Pronunciation fans will be overjoyed to learn we say "rhododendron" no less than 4 different ways during the episode. Subscribe to the Patreon for a special bonus episode that reveals THE SHOCKINGEST twist the Loremen encountered to date! www.Patreon.com/loremenpod  Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. Whereas I am Alastair Beckett-King. Ooh. I dropped a whereas. You did. Mixed it up. That has been the 101st time this series that we've done that,

and that is the first time it has been mixed up so much. I think everyone's going to be spinning out of control. Hope you weren't driving. Well, welcome to a St. Patrick's Day special. Welcome. Where we have a genuinely Irish deputy lawperson. I'm very excited about this one. Let's just get straight into it.

It's St. Columba and the Monster. With Sean Burke. With Sean Burke. Got an option if you want me to steal your thunder there. Yep, yep. Alistair. Psst. Hello, James. Hello, how are you? Sorry, I just heard you go, psst, and I realised I didn't adopt your tone. Yeah. So do you want to start that again? Yeah. Alistair. Hello, James.

Psst. I think I went too whispery. That is getting to be like an advert for a Ford Mondeo. I'll try again. Which is one of the safest places to be. Alistair. Oh, no, I've forgotten to do it as well. Alistair, we've got a guest deputy law person again.

On this, St. Patrick's Day. Of all days. You there, James. Yes? What day is this? St. Patrick's Day, sir. Go and get me the no snakes from the no snakes shop. The no snakes as big as me, sir. That's a confusing sentence, child.

Yes, it's St. Patrick's Day and I've sourced us an actual Irish deputy law person. An Irishman? Yeah, as the legends foretold, we've got Sean Burke. Hello, Sean. Hello. Thank you very much for having me. I am the much fabled Irish person. Patient zero of Irish. Has been very patient through that labored introduction thank you very much sean listeners cannot possibly conceive of how long that introduction took to record sean i'm a huge fan of your funny videos on twitter and youtube and probably insta and in fact in fact i'm a big fan of your video making fun of the fact that there are too many different platforms to put videos on and it's quite stressful to reformat them thank you yeah it's quite a

specific uh worry to people like ourselves but it's quite over there it's quite the first world problem that i have too many platforms you know so sean you're as i hope we've established a genuine irish person from ireland it's true a genuine genuine genuine irish It's true. A genuine. Genuine. Genuine Irish. That's what he is. Genuine. You are correct. Yeah, I'm legit. I've got a certificate and everything.

Wow. So, you know. Is it one of them great maroon certificates that gives you free passage around Europe? Yes, those ones. Oh, you guys, you don't have one? Oh, you've got to get on that. Bit of a bone of contemption in some camps. I think I almost think I used to have one, but like... I don't know.

That's so weird. They're incredibly useful. It's like a whole bit of my memory has been erased. I heard it was better not to. Anyway. Bit of satire there for people to complain about in the reviews. Especially Americans, weirdly. Sean, you're from North Dublin, right? That's right. Bit of satire there for people to complain about in the reviews. Especially Americans, weirdly.

Sean, you're from North Dublin, right? That's right. Zoning in with my excellent Irish accent skills. You're very keen ears there. You could spot the North Dublin, specifically the town of Swords. Now, that is an unusual name for a town. I know. It's the kind of thing that, you know, obviously you just get used to it after a while and you forget how odd that sounds.

And you don't really think about it too much. But yeah, just swords, full stop. It just begs the question, like, which swords? When? Are there swords? Any swords? Is it a very swordy place? Well, there's pointy objects everywhere you go around Swords. It lives up to date. But I think vaguely from what I know, I don't think the name actually comes from Swords, the pointy, stabby version. I think it's from the Irish word, súrd, which means like well or pure.

That's as far as I know. There is a well there and there are some nice old buildings. There is a castle, which they took forever to kind of renovate the front of. Basically, it's just a facade. So like if the tour is extremely short, you go in,

there's nothing there, you leave. Like a Hollywood Wild West set. It's just the front of the buildings. Genuinely, yeah. You can walk around the battlements, but there is nothing inside. It's just grass.

Listen to the truth is, all of Ireland is nothing inside. It's just grass. Listen, the truth is, all of Ireland is like that. It's basically a theme park for Americans. Going, I'm Irish. Oh, look, I'm standing outside a queso. They don't know how to pronounce anything. Yeah, that's what we don't want everybody else to know. That's why we're all over here.

There's nothing actually there. Just to see an interior. That's it. Exactly. But yeah, and Swords is a see an interior. That's it. Exactly. But yeah, and Swords is a nice old town. There's some nice old buildings. There's a lovely old round tower there as well. It's got some lovely features.

And I've done some research. It was actually founded by one of the three patron saints of Ireland. Obviously, a famous one is St. Patrick of today, the day that we're releasing this podcast. And second down, you've got St. Bridget, Brigid, who is potentially made up. And then bringing up the rear, making up the triptych, is St. Hmm.

Sorry, is that the name or is that you anticipating saying an Irishish name saint how are you spelling that c-o-l-m-c-i-l-l-e saint com kill yeah column kill as in like if you're telling your friend column to kill someone column kill like like saint column kill that's you got one. Column Kill. St. Column Kill. You got it. St. Column Kill. St. Column Kill or St. Columba, he's sometimes known. St. Columbo. Stop the podcast. I have got an ankle on

this episode. Just one more miracle. Okay. One last thing. Did you come in here with five loaves or two fishes? Yeah, he's the third patron saint of Ireland. Also the patron saint of floods. That doesn't seem like a nice thing to be a patron saint of. Thanks.

Bookbinders, poets, and Ireland and Scotland. All right. Bookbinders. Bookbinders. Someone's got to do it. Oh, actually, I know why that is. Can I give you a little recap rundown on St. Columba's main talking points? Yes, please.

Sure, yeah. The back of his St. Top Trumps. So he set up monasteries around Ireland. He's also the patron saint of Derry. And he set up a monastery there and in Swords. And these were quite important learning and medical centres. And he was quite a well-loved guy. But he got into an argument with the King Island over some Bible verses he'd copied.

And the King... Plagiarism. Well, the King said that he had to give them back to the King. But St Comkill was like, nah, I'm going to keep him, actually. And this dispute escalated into a heated battle where 3,000 people died. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Wow. I mean, material theft is taken seriously these days, but it rarely escalates that much. And now St. Columba was cleared, but he afterwards kind of banished himself to Scotland apparently on the advice of an old hermit

he's banished himself an old fashioned version of went yeah he just went to Scotland yes sounds more fantastical when you say

I am banishing myself I often banish to the shops just a little few bits do you need anything I'm just banishing out of the shop do you get toilet roll oh I've just banishing out of the shop do you get a toilet roll

oh I've just banished from the sand schools do you need me to go back in also the advice of a hermit on anything is always going to be you should just go

and live in the woods man that's all man it's like man that's your answer for everything you know quite literally face your problems

yeah I didn't realise he went to Scotland in his travels. Well, yeah, he did. But that's not what we're here to talk about yet. Foreshadowing. Yeah, love it. No, I brought you to here as a sort of a thin excuse

for me to get to do my excellent Irish accent that I can do. I can't wait. I can't wait. Which so far on the podcast has had a very easy ride because I'm delighted and impressed every time it comes up. So I'm very excited to see how this plays out. I always enjoy it. I am a listener of this podcast and I do enjoy

it when James breaks out the Irish accent. So I'm excited to be here in person. See his process. My favourite Irish accent is the one where it all comes out through the nose and it's not necessary to move the mouth or the lips at all all comes out through the nose and it's not necessary to move the mouth or the lips at all it's a completely nose-based accent that's my favorite yeah it's great if you want to sound angry about something that one as well hi dear you i've seemingly been developing

a new character as well when i've had a a beer or two which is um it seems to be a chap from the north of Ireland who is a former professional WWE wrestler. His catchphrase is, I've won more Summer Slams than you've had hot dinners. I competed in and won the original WrestleMania. Don't you come telling me about your full Nelsons. Yeah. So that's a little, that's a chap I've been working on. I like it.

I like it. Again, that is not why I've brought you here to talk to us about things. Of course, that's a Northern Irish accent and Ireland and Northern Ireland are completely separate countries with by no means

a complicated relationship. Yikes. Really straightforward separation, that whole thing. Nobody even talks about it anymore. I sometimes forget, as all English people do. Yes, yes, I've noticed that.

Now, again, there's a couple, there's always going to be many words in this podcast that I don't know how to say. So please, Sean, please correct me. Okay, I will. Srikhin's lock. Okay, I will. Srakeen's Lock. Okay. Lock sounds right.

Does that sound about... Yeah. That's, yeah. The first one. Srakeen's. S-R-A... Oh, no, that's an H. I just actually can't read my own writing.

Srakeen's Lock. So S-R-A-H-E-E-N-S. Okay. That sounds about right. I feel like that's what I would have said. Good, thanks. That's a small lake on Achill Island, which is off the coast of County Mayo.

Well, there was a few stories of, how should we say, a lake monster? Oh, yeah. Perchance? Yeah, freshwater monsters. Yes, on the Isle of Achill, and a few interesting sightings have been recorded, which I'd never heard about until,

you know, leading up to this podcast. I didn't realise lake monsters were such a big thing in Ireland and that there were several sightings. And they remind me quite of the most famous one, the Loch Ness monster. But the descriptions, I don't know, seem to be varying. Like a lot of mythological beasts, it's like, oh, right, let's get the head of this, the legs of that. One of the description describes a thing on its hind legs with the head of a sheep and a kind of grey, bluish body waddling across the road, which just reminded me of those inflatable dinosaur outfits that you see people wearing. In case maybe it was just... Yeah, you think it was just a stag do. Yeah.

Like a straggler. This is the one that happened to Michael McNulty and John Cooney on the 1st of May, 1968. At 10.10pm, they were driving past Sraheen's Lock and an animal they describe as out of this world came running up from the lock and it bounded across the road in front of them and disappeared into the undergrowth.

They say the creature was between 8 and 12 feet long and about 2 and a half feet high, with a long, thick tail, a swan-shaped neck and a head like a sheep or a greyhound with glittering eyes. How could a swan's neck support the weight of a sheep's head? It's going to be dragging on the tarmac. Exactly. This is what I was talking about.

It just doesn't, it feels like they really rushed that bit, you know? It's like, oh, quick, get the random animal generator, put them together. And when you describe it as like, what was it? 12 feet long, two feet high? I'm picturing a ruler. Like this thing is just flat and long. I do love, is it chimera? Chimera? is just flat and long. I do love a... Is it chimera?

Chimera? Chimera? Yeah. I love an animal made up of lots of other animals. It never happens in nature. Maybe the platypus would be the only one that actually looks like that. The most peculiar thing about this is that it ran on its hind legs, rocking from side to side as it did so.

Yeah. Oh. So it's low, long, but bipedal. Bipedal, two feet tall, 12 feet long. Scuttling. There must have been some motion blur involved. She was just going really fast, giving the impression that it was longer. Surely.

I think so. It sounds like, you know that thing in that episode of The Simpsons that Homer gets to do his job for him when he's working at the nuclear plant? And it's just like dipping down. I'm kind of picturing The little bird that goes down to drink more Yeah, that's what I'm picturing scuttling across the street The dimensions just don't seem to add up. What's consistent about

all these accounts is he always makes a point of describing how frightened these people were. Like it's always like, oh and I have to say they're reported being very frightened. In one of them he says he admitted to being frightened as if like he had his arm behind his back

and was like, you're scared, admit it. It was so frightening. It was able to squeeze through the cracks of his masculinity and the person admitted the weird ground sausage scared them. A lot of these are like mid-20th century,

from what I can tell. So that's when, you know, everybody was just manly back then. So that just didn't happen. The three main ones we've got here took place in May 1968. There was a spate of these three. Sorry, three cases in one month?

Yeah. Well, something's on the loose. That can't have happened by chance. A week later, a 15-year-old gay diva was... Is that a name or a description? That's a boy. That's a little boy. Okay, sorry.

Yeah, it's called a 15-year-old gay diva. Sorry to that kid and pretty much every category of person there. This chap was cycling past the lock at about five o'clock. So the first one happened at 10.10, and I actually looked up on the internet what the moon was like that night on the 1st of may 1968 and it was a new moon which one's that is that very dark that's yeah just the thin sliver oh yeah the dreamworks logo yes that might explain why those guys didn't get that well they got quite a good description of it but gay describes it as thus. Shall I do the voice?

Please, please. Yeah, come on. Come on, James. There's a lot of pressure here. Oh, I forgot to mention as well that this lake is really surrounded by rhododendrons. Don't know why that is mentioned in the story, but it's surrounded by a thick rhododendron forest. Is that going to influence the accent you're about to do? It's just that he's going to mention rhododendrons,

and it would sound like I was just chucking it in as a fun thing to say right okay okay sorry so this is gay diva's account of the beast of sraheen's lock when i stopped and looked through an opening in the rhododendrons i had a shock crawling out of the water came the strangest animal i've ever seen it was much bigger than a horse, black in colour, with a long, slender and sheep-looking head, long neck and tail. It moved like a kangaroo, and its hind legs were bigger than the front ones. When the nasty-looking

thing entered the beach, I left the area as fast as I could. I got a rather wogan at points. It's a good reference point. He was Irish. It's the same description. It's the the same thing it's got the neck it's got the sheep's head however this one says it was bigger than a horse horses tend to be bigger than two feet tall i've i've seen horses and they brought that most of them are more than two and a half feet tall and this is only a week later so it's not like it

was a baby one that grew up it could be like the alien from alien could be like the alien from alien that went from hot dog to killing machine in about 40 minutes yes but it's 8 and 12 feet long which that is bigger than a horse and that makes me wonder how you judge animal sizes to each other when they're completely different shapes because would you say a big snake was bigger than a horse if it was 12 foot long horses emerged with hands aren't they and snakes haven't even got any arms the descriptions of this sound like a crouching giraffe almost though i think the first one was just scuttling i think it had its head down yeah the end of its long swan-like neck and was just scuttling to avoid the car whereas this one was standing proud like the wet kangaroo that it seems to have been.

Hopping gloriously out of the lake. And then two days later it was seen again and I've checked by this point it's a full moon. Which is the spookiest

of the moons as we all know on the spooky chart. Yes, that's right. It was spotted by Bernie Sweeney and Mary Callaghan who both sound suitably Irish.

So check it out. I like the sound of Bernie Sweeney. I love a rhyming name. It just sounds like a fun name. And they're returning from a party. They're hitching a lift back as well, which also is a very horror story-esque element. Hitching a ride on the full moon. Where there's been sightings

of a beast. There's another mention of rhododendrons. They're obsessed. So they spot, so on their, while they're hitching, in an opening of rhododendrons next to the lake, a car pulled up and looked through and they saw a shiny black creature running towards them. So they screamed and ran away from the car down the road. So I have this straight.

They were hitchhiking home. Could you give us a lift to the Achill Sound? And the man said, I certainly can. Hop in. And they got in the car and said, oh, I'll just pull over at them road-ed entrants. We'll have a good look at them. And they just stopped down to look at the road-ed entrants. Wouldn't you know it, there's a horrible monster there.

Is that the sequence of events? Yeah, honestly, I'm trying to read into this and that seems to be, like the scripting, the beats of this are all over the place. You know, when did they,

why did they stop there? It says eventually a driver pulled up to an opening in the rhododendrons. This must be like sponsored content by rhododendrons or something. This big rhododendron they've got to us.

Or were they waiting by the rhododendrons or something it's big rhododendron they've got to us or were they waiting by the rhododendrons if i misunderstood maybe they were waiting near a gap in the rhododendrons which is as the um the green cross code says you should yeah yeah that would make sense to draw attention to yourself and make sure you're clearly visible yeah which and not a rhododendron well it looks like i've misunderstood that. I apologise to Bernie Sweeney and associate. But that's where they spotted it. And they're both suitably terrified by the sounds of it. Suffered with shaking with fright, which is the detail added on to all of these accounts. We need to know how scared were these people.

Yeah, they were visibly vibrating. Also, am I right in thinking that's the first time we've seen it go back into the water? Yeah. Because it's just been lake adjacent until now. Exactly. It disappeared below the surface of the loch where the undergrowth was at its thickest. So that is just another little rhododendron placement. I think it

must eat them. It must be eating the rhododendrons. It's a cyst of rhododendrons maybe, but... Rhododendrons pronounced in a French accent is pretty funny. It sounds like somebody trying to start a chainsaw. It's like, rhododendrons pronounced in a French accent is pretty funny it sounds like somebody trying to start a chainsaw it's like rhododendron

rhododendron I believe there was there was an encounter with an English person as well James wasn't there an English person spotted oh yeah

the mystical monster could you do the accent for this person Sean please by all means okay the wit I'll just go cockney the accent for this person, Sean? Please. By all means. Okay. The wit... Oh, just got cockney.

The witness on this occasion was an Englishman who in July 1966 was fishing for char at the lock when the calm surface of the water began to boil and ripple and a long neck with a swan-like head emerged. This was followed by a shiny black body and the monster started to swim quickly towards the angler. The terrified fisherman dropped his rod and fled, not stopping until he reached Dennis McGowan's store, where pale and trembling, he described what he had seen.

The credit you deserve for acknowledging when you have dropped it, unlike me and James, who tend to just plough on. Well done. The credit for knowing when you have dropped it, unlike me and James, who tend to just plough on. Well done. The credit for knowing when you've dropped it. But no, I've never been more offended in my life. I thought it was good. It was like listening to LBC for a minute. I thought it was very good, except you referred to it as a lock rather than a low.

Spelled L-O-U-G-H. Yeah, it's a ploughman's, not a ploughman's. Luge, isn't it? Luge. A luge. LBC talking about

lake monsters would be quite interesting. How about it? How about it with these lake monsters? My question is, why are they here? Right?

We didn't ask them to come, so why are they here? It's a valid point. It's a valid point. Why are they here, right? We didn't ask them to come, so why are they here? It's a valid point. It's a valid point. Why are they here? But yes, and the storekeeper, James, sounds like he had previous experience with the lake monster.

Yeah, he says that the monster had been seen as far back as the 1930s and was like a water horse. And I've done a little bit of other research, apart from simply looking at this one book. And there is a cryptozoological beast that this could well be. There's an Irish mythical beast called the Do-Wah-Koo. What?

Do-Wah-Koo. That's a new one. Do-Wah. D-O-B-H-A-R-C-H-U. Do-Wah-Koo. Is that black? D-O-B-H.A-R-C-H-U. Do-ar-coo. Is that black? D-O-B-H. Like dove.

Like dark. Yeah, like Dove Lane. That's where Dublin comes from. I think it means Black River. Ah. Ah, see, I know things. Well, it's roughly translated as Hound of the Deep. Oh, well, forget what I said then.

But it might be like dark water. Turns out you can't just guess what Irish means. That was my guess too, so. Good. It's sort of crossed between giant otter and a hound. You said hotter. I said hotter. The sexiest

amphibious mammal, the hotter. Oh, you should have seen this. Oh, could that be a little hotter? No. Yeah, it's also known as the Irish crocodile. Oh.

That sounds like a terrible cocktail. An Irish crocodile is when a crocodile leaves but doesn't tell you, right? Wasn't there a crocodile here?

I caught a swan. Yeah. Rude. It doesn't tell you why it's crying. We went to see some otters, and they were quite, they were hotters. They were. Fair.

Well, no, they were engaged in sensual grooming, which is part of what otters get up to. And so me and quite a lot of kids had that explained to us. Well, actually demonstrated in glory detail, frankly. Hopefully by two otters. No, just a pile of rippling otter flesh. Yeah. Wow.

It was really quite something. Because we've all seen the video of the otters holding hands. Evidently that escalates. That's basically after. But what happens before that is really pretty intense. Wow, we're just seeing the cute aftermath. Yeah, it's one of the otters holding a cigarette. This cute little ham.

Imagine how cute a little Oz Lighter would be. So that was just a hotter aside. So this is the Irish crocodile.ish crocodile yeah well some people think and i know you were saying it might subsist solely on rhododendrons but local farmer john madden not the american football chap this is a different person okay okay this is an irish farmer he's got a different hasn't he? I don't know if you'd like to read it again, James, because it's a fantastic quote for your fantastic accent. I bloody love to.

Sure, he's after getting the messages and putting them in the press. Okay. I don't know if it's the monster that gets away with my sheep, but I do know there's something strange on the loose at the loch. The sheep have not fallen over any cliffs, that's for sure. They're very careful climbers and used to the area. And the only other animals present there are badgers. And these are very shy.

Who, by the way, has ever heard of badgers attacking sheep? Who, by the way, has ever heard of a badger attacking sheep? It's a great question. I assume whatever's the Irish equivalent of LBC has people ringing in and asking questions like that all the time. Call in. Let us know.

Have you seen a badger attack a sheep? Has anyone, by the way, ever heard of a badger attacking a sheep? It's like Irish farmer Jerry Seinfeld. Has anybody actually seen a badger attack a sheep? Come on. The way it's raised, it's so like, is that a rhetorical question, John?

Are you genuinely asking? No, seriously. And like when he talks about them being careful climbers, I'm like, right, so they have all the correct equipment. They've got a harness. They've got a sheep down at the bottom holding on to their rope all the correct equipment they've got a harness they've got a sheep down at the bottom holding on to their rope you know they've thought of everything careful such a lovely word you can see him going past like are you being careful in there nodding yes i know the area the sheep has also got the same voice as john madden and a 15 year

old boy when he's saying have you ever heard of a badger attacking a sheep? He's saying that that couldn't happen. He's not being like Quinn from Jaws, being like, you ever seen a badger attack a sheep? He's not trying to scare you. The badger's eyes, black. Look at all his eyes. You ever seen the head of a badger striped like a zebra crossing?

He's quite a character. Just so you know, I want to know a little bit more about the lake. What people think is this is a lake that has some sort of secret cave in it or something like that, and that is maybe where this beastie is living. In 1969, a group of Australian students were surveying the lock, and they described it as bottomless, which implies to me that they were like drama students. They weren't scientists.

And it may be the crater of an extinct volcano. Now, if you were to imagine a bottomless pit on the globe, right? Yeah, yeah. What would be at the bottom of that bottomless pit? Imagine a tunnel on its side. That's like a bottomless pit, isn't it? Whoa, you just blew my mind. So would a bottomless pit,

wouldn't that go all the way to Australia? And didn't gay diva themselves describe this beast as, ahem, it's moved like a kangaroo. And its hind legs were bigger than the front ones. Oh my God. You're blowing this case wide open. I am, once again, like St Columba, blowing this case wide open.

I think it is an Australian cryptid coming over there through some sort of underwater tunnel. Why though, James? Why are they coming here? That's what I'm asking. That's exactly why I phoned in. Who ever heard of a badger attacking an Australian cryptid? Sorry, got a cross line there with Irish LBC.

John Madden's ham radio station. Irish lakes for Irish sea monsters, right? That's all I'm saying. Okay. Sorry if you found that offensive, listener. And I think those Australian students were there. Maybe they were trying to catch it, bring it back home. Do you think they came through the hole as well?

Just shot through like, pew. Yeah, and everyone knows Ackle Island is famously full of Aussie backpackers who are like, how did we get here? Or it's just walking to the shops and fell down. You just keep hearing Australian sounds like, oh, mate! That's the ackle sound. It's the sound of Aussies hurtling through the centre of the earth.

Bloody hell! So maybe they did come to catch that beast, but I'll tell you what, they failed because it was seen again in 2000 in Galway, probably a different beast because that original beast would have been very old by then. But yeah, these Duwaku are basically on the loose around Ireland now. They've infiltrated many of the locks around there. And that brings us back to St. Columb or saint columb kill columb kill when

he banished himself off to scotland he went there to try and convert the picts to christianity for people who don't know what the picts are short history descendants of caledonian tribes from the iron age to the 9th century lived in north and east scotland so in 565, St. Columb... Oh. ...was in the north of Scotland when a beast attacked and ate a Pict and then tried to attack one of his mates. Oh. So St. Columba, Colmcille, banished this beast into the nearby river.

And the interesting thing is they showed the beast during the murder at the start. So it was more about how he banished him. And how the beast thought it could get away with it. Yeah. Oh, what an amusing fellow you are, St. Columba. You know I like you. And one last thing.

You want to live in a river? Splash! That river, that was the River Ness. And the River Ness feeds into Loch Ness. Loch Ness. Loch Ness. Loch Ness.

It's all coming together. Say it with phlegm, Loch Ness. That's getting close to a very friendly voice. It's too friendly. Yeah. St. Columba is the creator of the Loch Ness Monster. Wow. I like that because whenever I have to try and explain what the podcast is about,

I say it's like local folklore, but not the ones you've heard of, like Loch Ness. And what you've done is you've done like the unfamous monsters that came before the big monster. Exactly. Oh, yes. I like lake monsters, but you probably haven't heard of them. Yes. Yeah. This is Loch Ness Origins.

Yeah. So, Alistair, that is, basically, it's the origin story of the Loch Ness Monster. That's incredible. A really, really unexpected twist. Is it time for the scores? Yes, please. Because I, as an Englishman, I'm very comfortable about sitting in judgement on Ireland Great, yeah

So what are the scores? What do you think of us? Oh, please Please be honest Oh, how very helpful I actually think Ireland is very quaint I'll say it to the others And then we'll get back to it

You said quaint What do we think it to the others and then we'll get back to it. He said quaint. What do we think? It's fair. It's fair. What's the first category? We're going to go with naming. We're going to get him early. The Irish cod.

Well, I liked... What's her name? Bridget Swidget? Bernie Sweeney. Bernie Sweeney. Yes. Bridget Swidget. Bridget Swidget.

The beloved children's character from some show I haven't seen. She lives in Swordswell. Swords, great name. Yeah, I think that's pretty strong. Confusing name as well. John Madden. John Madden. John Madden.

For the NFL fans out there. There were definitely some good Irish names. Like the name of that monster. What was that? What? It was like the doo-wop. It sounded like a 1950s trend. We call it a doo-wop.

Doo-wah-coo. Doo-wah-doo. Okay. Doo-wah-coo. Doe-wah-keen. Okay. Doo-wah-coo. The water hound or hound of the deep.

Hound of the deep. That's a great name. Gay diva. That's pretty strong. That is a very good name. Yeah. Well, there was a really famous TV host in Ireland called Gay Byrne. Gay Byrne, of course.

Is it the late show? Yeah, the late, late show. Oh. Even later than that. Wow. Even later. I can't believe anybody even watches the late show when the late, late show is on right after it. To be honest, it's kind of false advertising.

I think it started at nine. It still starts at nine. It's not even that late. That's not late. not late like nine ten max like there's no way like american late night chachos are late they really are i can't believe anyone's watching them they're that late is it late in the sense that the people involved have died ah maybe yeah it's via seance, the whole thing. So it's five out of five for names. Yes. In conclusion. Wow.

Yes. I really like the names. Mainly Bridget Swidget. Yes, Bridget Swidget. Bridget Swidget. She lives in a well in Swords. What's she doing this week, children? Come on out, Bridget.

What's the second category? Second cat, Super Nat. Well, it's going to be low for supernatural because not only have you brought me a cryptid rather than a magical creature you've come up with a compelling explanation of how it came to travel from the antipodes to ireland with its strange configuration obviously reflecting the unique evolution of the marsupials. So at this point, the podcast is basically science. Yeah.

You got us there. Very powerful legs would be good for swimming all the way from Australia through the centre of the world. Yeah, and its little arms are good for doing the barbecue. You don't want big arms knocking it all over the place. Cracking open tinnies. Yeah, just little arms are just big enough to open a foster's what's it called a stubby that like a bottle

that is that is very good excellent work yeah and they have like stubby holders which I remember my brother lived in Australia

for a year and he brought one back from this mystical land of Australia and showed me this stubby holders I've been visualising noddy holder

the whole time you've been talking sorry he brought back noddy holder and I was like what were you doing and showed me this. Stubby Holders. I've been visualising Noddy Holder the whole time you've been talking. Sorry, he brought back Noddy Holder and I was like, what were you doing in Australia again?

But yeah, he's got us there. What's more matter of fact than a kangaroo walking through the centre of the earth to Ackle Island and causing a ruckus?

So it's one out of five. Sorry. Even St. Columbo's miracles are explained through rational means. That. Even St. Columbo's miracles are... Explained through rational means. That's what St. Columbo does. He pushed a beast in the river. That's not a miracle.

That's just bullying. Yeah, it's like cow tipping. We're like pushing mythical beasts into bodies of water. Fair enough. We started strong. One out of five. What's the third category?

Well, the third category is the fear factor. Okay. That is nice. Boo. You know, things like that. Yeah, I'm a little bit frightened now. You see? You know, it's still scary, even now after the story is finished.

So it's the 1960s. We're talking about a modern Irish man. Yeah, he works in a media agency. Yeah. You know. Pretty futuristic. We know at least one he works in a media agency. Yeah. You know. Pretty futuristic. We know at least one of them has a ham radio. For them to be that scared.

Oh, by the way, have you ever heard of a badger attacking a sheep? That was what was playing on the car radio when they were hitchhiking. It was like foreshadowing. The horror of the prospect of a badger that could eat a sheep. It's terrifying in itself. A grotesque inversion of God's plan. The Drake song. That Drake song about badgers attacking sheep.

Well, that brings us to our final category, Roda Dendrons. I didn't actually do the score there. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Oh, no. Wait a minute. We're just going to forget it.

What could be more fearful than a simple copyright claim i mean you two are youtubers so you know what a copyright claim is like what if that chilling escalated into a battle that killed 3 000 people well if it killed 3 000 youtubers it might not be that bad leave a comment below yeah it's hard to say whether that would have been a good thing or a bad thing. It's four out of five.

Yeah, I'm happy with that. So the final category is rhododendrons. Yes, because you said that already. Did I give that

away? Yeah, a little bit, yes. It was probably when I said rhododendrons. That was when I started to think,

well, there were way more than I thought was reasonable. And when James had to stop you earlier to say, by the way, there were way more than I thought was reasonable. And when James had to stop you earlier to say, by the way, there are loads of rhododendrons. I'm glad you did that because had you not done that, I would have been like, what? More rhododendrons? Are you kidding me with these rhododendrons? Really?

Paul Jerry Seinfeld. Rhododendron Seinfeld. What's the deal with the rhododendrons? We like again. How many? There's too many rhododendrons. Have you ever heard of a badger attacking a jay? So I parked the car to look at the rhododendrons.

You parked the car? I parked the car. You never park the car. Jerry. You never park the car, Jerry. That's a no. Give us another plan. Come on.

Anything else? I'll go on five out of five. Come on. Yes. Who, by the way, has ever heard of a badger attacking sheep? so there you have it Alistair yes and the studios of DC

and Marvel that is how you do an origin story yes combining the Loch Ness Monster with the Columbo extended universe yeah a bold move and if you want to have your world That is how you do an origin story. Yes, combining the Loch Ness Monster with the Columbo Extended Universe. Yeah.

A bold move. And if you want to have your world completely pulled apart, then do listen to the Patreon bonus episode linked to this episode. There's a bit of a mind-blowing twist there. It is such a twist. I've only just heard about this twist myself, and I'm not sure I've gotten over it So that's patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod

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