Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep102: Loremen S3 Ep102 - The Wells of St Walstan, Norfolk

Episode Date: March 31, 2022

James brings Alasdair a piece of Norfolklore... It's the story of St Walstan, a monk who was mates with a pair of oxen who had magic wee wee. Can you come down with lockdown fever outside of a lockdown? Have Alasdair and James drunk from St Walstan's well? Are you sure that's water?! This episode was livestreamed, so check out youtube.com/loremenpodcast  It won't make any more sense, but it'll be longer. www.Patreon.com/loremenpod  Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. Oh, Alistair, we did this as a live stream and... What happened, James? What happened? I think it was the most lockdown madness livestream we've done. I was recovering from COVID-19. Yeah. So I was very rusty. And also I have an excuse. What was yours, James? I was giddy because I'd recently been tidying the shed. Naturally. And I'd found my David Bellamy books from when I was about six or seven. You

had the glint in your eye of a man who had found on the farm, I spy with David Bellamy books from when I was about six or seven. You had the glint in your eye of a man who had found on the farm I Spy with David Bellamy. Well, that's exactly what happened. So please bear that in mind as you listen to the story of... St Walston, a saint from Norfolk who's ever so pious. Katy Perry, or Katy Perry's OGBF, I don't know what those letters stand for. Yeah.

Has asked me to say a couple of things which makes me think that she is attempting to make a faux shakeshaft head and she just needs these last little bits of words in order to complete the voice synthesize a synth yes and then she'll be able to open the voice-activated lock in your study. Yes, exactly. Well, go ahead and read the script. You want me to say garage and aluminium. I'm happy to do that. She might be wondering whether you pronounce it aluminium and garage. Garage.

Garage. Is that Americanism? The aluminium door to the garage. I parked my car in the garage. Yeah. My car is made out of aluminium, so I put it in the garage. That's how Americans talk. Yeah. I bought this aluminum at a garage sale.

So I think I've said it enough now. So if you can't clone my voice and my American voice from that. That means they'll be able to get into your American study as well. Oh, no. Someone's asking which British actor does the best American accent. You just heard him.

It's James Shakespeare. Yeah. It's British actor James Shakespeare. Yeah. Didn't you hear that? Oh, my aluminum car in the garage.

Didn't you hear that? I bought an aluminum car in a garage sale. You're listening to it. And before you ask if he is a British actor, check out his IMDb page. Yes. It just proves it. He's got several if he is a British actor, check out his IMDb page. Yes.

It just proves it. He's got several credits. I went to mime school where that's not where I learnt the American accent. No, because mimes are all French. We should get on

with the podcast, but BBMiller11 has just said that, James, that you look a little bit like Jermaine Clement from Fight for the Concords. Can you do a New Zealand accent?

Yeah, a little bit. A little bit, aye. Can you do a bit of a New Zealand accent? Am I doing it? Or am I doing South African? I never remember what which one it is it always goes a little bit south african when i try then i went and got some aluminum from the garage so yes don't get into my south african study welcome to lawmen a podcast slash live stream about local legends and obscure curiosities from days, that's right, of law. No, you're, oh, so rusty.

Oh, he's so rusty. I got it wrong. I tripped up on my own tongue. Shall I do it? Yeah, you do it. I've made a fool of myself. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Hank Shakeshaft. I'm Lorman. A podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore.

That's me actually trying to do a... No, it's gone south again. Forget it. I did it for a bit. Welcome to Lorman. A podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. I'm Alistair Beckett-King.

I genuinely, really needily said that I was Alistair Beckett King. I genuinely, really needily said I was Alistair Beckett King by accident. You've got a little story for me there, James, in your warm pouch. Yes, like a sort of a storytelling marsupial. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to pull this ickly, sticky story out of my pouch. Just rub the mucus off. Give it to me. I want to tell you about a little town in Norfolk called Borborough.

Are you pulling some Norfolk lore out of the bag? Yes, I am, actually. Out of the pouch. Now, the town is spelt B-A-W-B-U-R-G. So I was very disappointed to learn that it was pronounced Borborough and not Borawberg, because it sounded a bit like a Scotsman exclaiming something. Bawberg.

So it's Barbara. How a Glaswegian pronounces Barbara. I want to tell you about a humble, barbarous saint called St. Walston. Before I tell you about... I'm going to give you a little saint soups on, a soups on of saint. Oh, yeah. Nearby is East Durham, where there was a saint who supplied starving nuns with food. about i'm gonna give you a little saint soups on a soups on of saint oh yeah nearby is east derham where there was a saint who supplied starving nuns with food the saint's name saint with burger

really is that true yes yes she's called with burger saint with burger and she had two sisters also saints saint ethel dredda classic old school name and saint sex burger oh it's the nuns were lucky but maybe not as lucky as they could have been yes yes i always thought you were gonna do like a saint mcchicken joke but i wasn't ready for sex burger you can't even get that at mcdonald's yeah that's one of them menu hack options oh she's just in there for points of course well you've got them yeah you've got them enjoy them thank you very much pop those back into the pouch they're not coming back out scoop them in spoon them in ladle ladle them towards yourself do kangaroos have trouble getting rain filling up their pouches it seldom rains and even if even if it did, they would just hop it out, wouldn't they?

And spill it, yeah. Yeah, they'd just hop it out. That's what I do. You really don't want to throw the joey out with the pouch water, as they say in Australia. Famous Australian saying, you don't want to throw the joey out with the pouch water. That's how they say it.

Please continue. Our saint, Saint Wollstone was born in 975 and he was of royal lineage his mum and dad Benedict and Blid

or Blidia Blidia Blidia no don't it's not got a nice ring to it Blidia no it's a no sex burger

so he was of royal lineage but he gave it up to live a life of piety and poverty and for 30 odd years he worked as a laborer giving away his earnings and one day the farmer gave him some new shoes he gave them away that's almost rude well that's what the farmer's wife thought and she was so annoyed

that he'd given this gift away she made him cut back a big thorn bush with no shoes so you can imagine but god protected his feet is this a miracle this was a miracle his feet were unscathed and the farmer's wife was absolutely amazed at this and she told the farmer about this miracle and the farm was also like oh well oh can we give you something we need to give you something and he was obviously like you're not really understanding this life of piety are you i don't i don't want things i have to say there's a lot of skepticism in the chat as to whether this actually constitutes a miracle what i think people are not as impressed about him not getting prickly feet is that definitely the work of god creator of the

universe god friend of the podcast protecting someone's feet. Is that definitely the work of God, creator of the universe, God? Friend of the podcast? Protecting someone's feet? I just feel like the bar for God has to be higher than the bar for Crocs. To be fair, he's obviously not worn shoes for 30 years, so his feet would get quite hardened. Like a New Zealander's feet. I'm thinking of Hobbit. That's where they're from.

That's where they're from. You ever seen Peter Jackson's feet? I'm walking around the studio shoeless today. But it's making the noise of hooves. He's got hooves. Yeah, Peter Jackson has hooves. And the Foley guy's like, well, I could record this for the horse scenes later. This would be great.

But the boom operator is fuming. Fuming boom. Fume on a boom. So all he would accept was there was a pregnant cow and he said i'll have the baby i'll have the baby of the pregnant cow of the pregnant cow so it's like it's a confusion around the verb have is what happened to me there when he said i'll have the baby i just oh as in he would i was briefly i like i will give birth to this car that would be a miracle That would be a miracle. That would be a miracle, exactly. You doubting Thomas's in the chat wouldn't be like,

oh, not very impressive. That's just standing on your tiptoes. Yeah, squeezing a calf out. I'd like to see Peter Jackson do that. Or, I'm going to give birth to this calf. Now I'm doing it. I can't. But this cow gave birth to two bulls.

So he lucked out there, and the three of them became the best of friends. Just one of those standard man-bull-bull friendships. Yeah, he'd hook them up to the car and pull them around the town. Very piously, though. They're just mates. But then one Friday in 1016, an angel appeared and told St. Wollstone that he was going to die. He was going to look after his balls? He said, Brother Wollstone,

on the third day you will enter paradise. So, priest came over, said, I need my last rites, please, priest. Priest was like, love to, mate, but I haven't got any water. So, a spring appeared. Does extreme unction require extreme moisture?

Extreme unction, which I think is the Latin name for the last rides. It does sound like it's been branded by those male skincare products that have tried to make it sound more dangerous, you know? Like the moisture grenade. Extreme unction. Yeah. When unction isn't enough. Is it full of Jesus-alides?

And other of those chemicals that are made up. So the water appeared as if by magic, as if by God's magic, miracle. And he was given the last rites and he died on the Monday. Oh, so that's two miracles now. He's nearly up to the full complement of miracles, saint-wise. Before his death, he specified his body be put on the cart and pulled by his two bull buddies. Two bull pals. And wherever they stopped, that's where he would be buried.

Oh, a good old fashioned, let's let the cows decide situation, just like in Durham. Yes, exactly. He was to be buried wherever the cart stopped. So they toddled off, these two oxen and the cart, straight towards a river. That's literally the worst place they want to go. Yeah. And they reached the river and they just went straight towards a river. That's literally the worst place they want to go. And they reached the river and they just went straight across that river, Jesus style. Shallow, was it?

No. No? They went across the river, on the top of the river. They walked on water. And they said that for hundreds of years, you could still see the tracks that the cartwheels had left in the river as it went across. In the water of the river?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's a cool special effect. Back to the future style. I've never heard of anything like that, except now that you mention it in the film, Back to the Future. But that was flames on tarmac.

This is divots on water. It's much more boring. It's a lot duller. Yes, much more Norfolk. One of the oxes, oxes? Is that right? A ox staled.

It staled? It did a stale. It's having a wee? Yeah, it did a wee. Did a wee wee. Wow. And there, a spring appeared. Well, yeah.

Out the ground. Out the ground. A not yellow spring. Yeah. String, yeah. Yeah, was it sort of pointing directly at the bull's pizzle? The oxen carried on, and they got to Borbora, and the second ox staled

and there's a well there now. I'm not happy with the inclusion of Bull's wee-wee in my miracles. Oh, there's a little poem about that well as well. Is there? Yeah.

Okay. Next beyond you, Parsonage, as you may see, both to man and beast doth great remedy. That's it. That's the end of the poem. Oh, that's it?

That's a poem. I can see why you would gloss over the it came That's the end of the poem. Oh, that's it? Good, good. That's the poem. I can see why you would gloss over the it came out of a bull's willy. Yeah. Part of the story, really. Water from this well was sold in Norwich into the 20th century as a cure-all. And is he getting all the credit for it?

St. Walston. Yes, it is. It's St. Walston's well in Borborough. And then they found the second well, and I think it's on a golf course. Canis Corvus is complimenting me on calling a bull's wing-wang a pizzle. So I'm the second person they've heard use that word. The first was a softly spoken cowboy teaching USDA meat grading in Alabama,

which I think might have sounded a little bit like this. But in the business, we call it a bull's pizzle. I bought a bull's pizzle at a garage sale it was wrapped in aluminum i thought it was a hoagie that's an old-fashioned word for a bull's wee-wee does you have to say bull's pizzle or is pizzle do the business i think i've come up with a new catchphrase bull's pizzles do the bizzles do the bizzle were they named by snoop dog was this softly spoken cowboy Snoop Dogg? If I knew any, a single Snoop Dogg lyric,

I would have done it and it's had that fricking accent there. The only thing that ever springs to mind of Snoop Dogg is him talking about drinking gin and juice. And in the context, I would not want a sip of that gin and juice if a bald pizzle was involved. Yeah. I think he says he has his mind on his money and his money on his mind,

but I often, I mishear it in my head as his mind on his mummy and his mummy on his mind. And I think, what a good boy. What a nice son. So yeah, so the oxen carried on to take your saint corpse to its final resting place. It's like the Oregon Trail, except that you're there to begin with.

Oregano Trail. Oregano. You have died of dysentery. So they went up the hill to the church. It's now called St. Mary and St. Wollstone's Church. So presumably back then it was just called St. Mary's. And angels opened up the wall and the bulls went in. They stayed there for three days.

Doesn't say whether they did a wee or not. And there's no wells there, so I'm guessing they didn't. They just held it for three whole days. That's very impressive. I struggled to hold it for the whole of a live stream. I actually went to visit this place, and I have a field report that is in the edit at the moment. And the final well and the church are very near each other.

That bull could have held it in, to be honest. After that, a shrine was set up there for St. Wollstone, and it did miracles. Doesn't specify the miracles. Not just general miracles, just a generally miraculous well. But only for people of a humble status. Ooh, a bit of class war. Ooh, I like it.

And he is now the patron saint of agricultural workers, farm animals, farmers, ranchers, and husbandry men, which are looked up, and it means a farmer. You know, but it's not just farming husbandry. It's a very specific part of farming that we probably can't describe in too much detail in the terms of service of Twitch. Given

how much we've said pizzle. We're probably taking the pizzle a little bit already. Taking the pizzle a little bit already. Not much has been written about but there is evidence that he was venerated pre 1066 so before the norman conquest and it was only in doing this research i really really realized how silly norman conquest would sound if you didn't have it in context. It's like when you wash your dishes with fairy liquid. If you

think about that for a second, if you told your great-grandfather that I just need to buy something to wash my dishes, it's fairy liquid. Yeah, he's lost it. This guy, he's getting robbed blind. Your grandfather would have been like a Victorian and he would have been like, oh, fetch my camera. I'm terribly interested in

such things. That's true. Your great-grandad was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle in this encounter. Yes. Not donkey shake-shoved. It's different. It's pretty much the opposite end of the scale. No, he'd be like, no photos, no photos. He doesn't want his

mug appearing in the papers. No way. There were two sources of this and the only reason I mention that there were two sources is because one of them, the Nova Legenda Agli, somewhere else, was printed in 1516 by an early pioneer of printing called Winkender Word. Winkender Word. I think I've heard of that guy.

Yeah, Winkender Word. Winkender Word. I think he's Dutch or something, and he was like a pioneer of print. And had a lovely bit of nominative determinism. I think he just lived at the time when they were giving out surnames. They were just handing out surnames. Yeah.

They're like, we've got too many Winkens. So that's the story of St. Walston and his two oxes. Is that right? Oxen. Shall we score this bad boy? Yeah, please do. I'm ready for it. Sorry, no, he's a saint.

Should we score this good boy? Yeah, very good boy. He's almost as good as Snoop Dogg. Probably a really good son. The good sons you always think of, like Snoop Dogg. Apart from he'd sort of disowned his parents. Did he? Because they were royalty and he was like,

no, I'm going to go and work on a farm. I thought you meant Snoop Dogg. Oh, I don't know what... I thought you were saying Snoop Dogg's they were royalty and he was like, no, I'm going to go and work on a farm. I thought you meant Snoop Dogg. Oh, I don't know what... I thought you were saying Snoop Dogg's parents were royalty. Don't know what's happened with Snoop Dogg and his parents, to be honest. I hope they're proud. Okay, what's your first category? Naming.

Feeling good about this. Yeah, well, you should be because it had a character who was called Witherburger and a character who was called Sexburger. Yes. There's nothing I can do to fight back against such an onslaught of names. Wink into word. Wink into word. Wink into word.

No, there's nothing I can do. Shall I just take my five points? Pop them in my... Took it away in that little... My marsupial pocket. Yes. My marsupial pouch. Yeah.

What's your second category? My second category is supernatural. But James, the events you described sound so plausible. There was a bit where an angel told him he was going to die. Yeah, and then three days later. Like that. Croaked. Yeah.

Dead. Classic biblical three-day turnaround. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good thing it didn't go over a weekend, otherwise he would have had to wait until Tuesday. I presume that was three working days. Well, yeah, I guess surely they take into account bank holidays yeah angels and stuff i would have thought so i've got to say bulls crossing a river whoever heard of such a

thing what a spectacle they didn't sink they didn't sink that's that's pretty good and i do think the cartwheels imprints being left in the in the water i can visualize the visual effect i can see the bbc's merlin quality visual effects of those ripples being left frozen i did film a river in borbora and there were a couple of little ed i believe the word is eddies a couple of edwards a couple of eddies floating in there. If you're their mam and they're in trouble. Edwards? But otherwise, it's eddies to their mates. But they looked like, they did sort of,

they appeared in the same sort of spot and they would look a little bit like tiny little footprints. Potentially is what I thought. Oh, that might be that. But that does not explain the cartwheel. This might be an eddy scenario. Hey, well, you've just busted your own case wide open. So I was about to start dishing out points

because of the Merlin-esque visual effect. But what about... You've just explained it through science. What about the sources of water? Wearable weed. Oh. The whatable what? The sources of water.

Wearable. Did a wee-wee. Sorry, I thought you said wearable weed. I thought this was maybe a Snoop Dogg product. A hemp shop a hemp shop yeah i don't know like a t-shirt or something yeah so how could a spring spring up wearable weed well james i know i was implying it at the time but now i'm saying it there was no spring that was bulls wee they were drinking wee wee they were drinking wee wee they were giving it to children and he'll say oh, it was only the poor people. That's because the rich people aren't out there drinking wee-wee.

That's why, yes, the simple peasants, the uneducated folk and the beggars, yes, they're all supping, quaffing, imbibing. It's slaking their first. Slaking. With some hot bull wee. I don't like it, James. Not for me, thank

you. So, me, thank you. So, two out of five. For supernatural. For supernatural. Oh, I forgot to tell you how he died. What happened? An eyewitness when he died. How did he die?

Please present to me this eyewitness from the 11th century who I implicitly trust. An eyewitness who saw him die said that at the point of death, a dove flew out of his mouth into the sky. Yeah? Yeah. So that could have been his spirit. That could have been a heavy-handed visual metaphor. Yeah.

No. Well, you know how I feel about symbolism, James. Yeah. I'm a guinnet. I don't care for symbolism. It's still two. Fair enough. Third category, well, actually.

Oh. You're doing the famous Richard Curtis film, Love Actually, well, actually. Oh, you're doing the famous Richard Curtis film, Love Actually, Well Actually. Yeah, well, it's a sort of a montage of, it's a load of different stories that are completely unrelated, but they're all about wells. I'm just a guy standing in front of a well. Asking a woman not to fall down a well. One of the wells doesn't even speak English. It doesn't matter because the other one is Colin a well. One of the wells doesn't even speak English. It doesn't matter, because the other one is Colin Firth. One of the wells.

Which is also a body of water. Oh, you're blowing that case wide open. Yeah. The case of the film that we just made up. It's such a bad film, but then Emma Thompson gets sad, and then I get sad, and then I'm annoyed. It's like, don't make me sad. Terrible film.

I'm talking here about the film Well, Actually. Well, Actually. Well, Actually. A well-based romantic comedy from Lawmen Studios. I realise I should not have picked a story that has maximum three wells in it, and we've already decided that two of those wells are Bullswick. Yes, absolutely. A whole load of bull.

No, not impressed with two of the Wells. I'd try and help you, James, but I'm too rusty. What about... You need to go on without me. No, I'll not leave you behind. I can't carry the ring, Master Beckett King, but I can carry you. Oh, no. Someone's going to get into my blooming Hobbit study now.

That's a lot of drinks famous film about getting to Mordo alright alright alright well actually this is like the famous story of the boy who thought he had more than three wells there was starving nuns

well actually I'm with Berger okay it's a stretch but you worked for it. So it's four out of five. Yes. Phew. Okay. And final category.

Thank you very much to the chat for this one. Let the cows decide. Sorry. Right. Do you want to explain the category at all? Chat. Wait, no. Come here.

Well, the chat is just people shouting, let the cows decide. They're just saying it again. You're just saying it again. I think clearly you've created something, James, but I'm not sure. Maybe we should let the cows decide. That you know what it is. Everyone saying let the cows decide in the Twitch chat. The YouTube chat has not yet succumbed.

In the YouTube chat, I can see at least one person complimenting us on how much work we must put into the edits of these to take all this nonsense out. But to be fair, normally people aren't just heckling with the words, let the cows decide. All right, hold on. Hello, listener. At this point in the proceedings, in a state of borderline delirium,

I combined some fake plastic cow's horns with model's own ginger hair to create a perfect facsimile of a Highland cow, while James entertained the listeners by reading from On the Farm, I Spy with David Bellamy. If this isn't making sense, you can go to youtube.com forward slash lawmen podcast and watch the whole live stream, and it will still not really make sense. For the purposes of the podcast, here is how James reacted to my cow disguise. There you go.

Hello, hello, James. It's me. I'm a Scottish cow. I've just popped in from the old outdoors there to people are asking for me to add in David Lynch to the accent. Hello, James. It's me, David Lynch, also a cow. Just popped in to do the scores for this category.

David Lynch, cow. Yes. What? Are you a form of Highland cattle? Yes. I'll feel this one, David. I'm a Highland cow because I've got ginger hair. You've got long hair and long horns.

That's a score of 25 from Bellamy. From David Bellamy's On the Farm, I Spy on the Farm book. James, I think it was a strong entry and it's 5 out of 5 for me. Thank you. David, are you in agreement? Yes! I agree! It's a solid

5 out of 5. And what do you think, South African cow? It's 5 out of 5 for Let what do you think, South African cow? It's five out of five for Let the Cows Decide. Nice one, the cows. I have no memory of any of that. Yeah, it got pretty lockdown feverish. It did.

Despite us not being locked down. You know who I blame, James? David Bellamy? For once it wasn't David Bellamy. It was the people in the chat. Yes, we were being goaded. We were being goaded into whimsy. Definitely.

That was the name of my first album. It was the all caps caps let the cows decide yeah big freesian got to us but if you want to donate some money to us to get us free from this yoke of big cow do that at patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod and you'll get stuff for your money as well you get bonus episodes and access to videos and whatnot this is going out on alistair's birthday it's his actual birthday today send him a message is it happy birthday it's on records now oh all right oh yeah yeah yeah thank you just play that back every year