Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep106: Loremen S3 Ep106 - The Witches of Wallsend

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Seaton Delaval Hall was once home to Sir Francis Blake Delaval - the man who puts the "pranks" in "I am sick of this guy's terrible pranks". But, although living with Sir Francis must have been a nightmare, it doesn't compare to the gruesome tale he told of the Wallsend Witches. At the stroke of midnight, the Loreboys meet a gaggle of hags in the old church. We learn why Hadrian's Wall is so jumpable, and how to spot Jeremy Beadle in disguise. Meanwhile, James Shakeshaft's run of bad luck... continues. www.patreon.com/loremenpod Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And my tale this week, James, comes from the north-east of England. Oh yeah? Howe? Okay. What does How-eh? Okay. What does how-eh mean? It basically means come on.

Oh. As in hurry up, how-eh? But also... Like, come on. Come on, how-eh? Is it foreign words? It's not foreign, it's Geordie. Potato, potato.

Potato, potato. Why are you saying potato multiple times? Because you said it's not foreign, it's Geordie. Oh, I see. Very good. It's a good joke. So I give you the tale of the Witches of Wild's End. Hello, Alistair.

How are you, James? Well, I'm knackered because I've just had to jog back from the train station. What happened? Normally, I'd be knackered because I'll have ridden my bike back from the train station. But when I got to the train station today, some tow rag... What? ...has made off with it. You lost your bike.

I'm sorry to hear that. I didn't lose it. It was taken from me. The bike was stolen. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. They picked my combination lock and left the lock behind ah insult insult to injury at least you're learning i learned that i wasted

money on a bike lock i mean if it had been a really good quality lock they might have just stolen the lock and left the bike you say that but next door on the bike rack was another bike no lock on it at all what i was genuinely looking around for a reality tv show camera crew and i was on some sort of futuristic dystopian very low stakes reality tv show we've stolen this man's bike but we've left right next to it another bike that he could steal. Will he take the bait? Of course. Is Britain that broken? Before anyone writes in, it was a different make and model to my bike.

I didn't just forget what my bike was. I would despise any listener who wrote in to say, James, did you check it wasn't your bike? I don't think we need those listeners. We don't need that kind of energy in the room. No, thank you. I'd admire their chutzpah. Writing in, pulling out a sheet of vellum to say, Dear Jamothy Shakeshaft.

Take this down. Winfield, bring pen and ink. So that's really bad luck. I'm sorry for another moany intro to the episode. It's another moany intro, James. Because it is genuinely three in a row. Dead dad. Moan.

Broken computer screen. It's quite moany, yeah. Furious. Give it a rest, James. Oh, it's not a laptop. It's your dad. Quite annoyed me because I put quite a lot of effort into the episode where we announced your dad's death.

And then all of the feedback really stole my thunder there. None of the feedback on that episode was about my story. So I was a little bit miffed. That is really put a human face on it for me. Well, you know, James. Yeah? I have a story for you that I think might suggest an alternative mode of transportation you could use in the future.

Oh, this better be practical. It's so practical. This story was brought to my attention by the law folk in the law men discord. Oh yeah. The law folk discord. The law folk discord. You sort of went Geordie, but then fell over at the end. I tried to say it with all the same vowels.

I don't know why that happened. The law folk discord. Which you can have access to if you at the end. I tried to say it with all the same vowels. I don't know why that happened. The Lawfolk Discord. Which you can have access to if you join the Patreon. Yeah, that's patreon.com forward slash lawmanpod. This is the story of the Witches of Wall's End. The Witches of Wall's End? Wall's End is a place in the northeast of England. It's where Hadrian's Wall ends. No?

Yeah. Is it the sea then? Not quite. I don't think the wall actually covered the whole area. of England, it's where Hadrian's Wall ends. No? No. Is it the sea then? Not quite. I don't think the wall actually covered the whole area. And it's only about, I don't know if you've seen it, it's about three feet high. I have seen it. It must have been higher.

Either it was higher or Scottish people were smaller. Or maybe Scottish people were a frustrating video game that doesn't have a jump button. Like Batman in the first Arkham game or something. Just walking up to the wall and being like, no, we can see it. We can't go there. Hadrian's always built in the second century and near Wall's End, you'll still find the ruins of Holy Cross Church. Holy Cross Church.

Another Batman reference, yeah. And that's built, don't tell Italians about this, out of the stones from Hadrian's wall, I think. We just nicked the stones. I think that's why it don't tell italians about this out of the stones from hadrian's wall i think i think we just nicked the stones i think that's why it's not as big as it used to be because we went oh we'll have those i don't think of them as italians romans no because italy's a reasonably recent idea isn't it italy is a reasonably recent idea and i to be honest haven't got my head around it you know know, call me old-fashioned. It's like Snickers. Can't be doing with it.

So the area we're talking about is Seton Delaval. Seton who? Seton Delaval. This sounds like a Sherlock Holmes babby. Yeah, well, Delaval is the name of an English aristocrat because it's a French word. So there's your first warning. Oh, so his name, as a French french would understand it is seaton in the house close it's uh de laval laval being a place in france well because i was just going to be saying

whenever you said seaton de laville i would say that it is in the house seaton in the house i think i was trying to do an air horn there, but I actually squeezed the horn of an old 1920s car. And to be honest, it describes one of my favourite activities. Seaton in the house. So Delaval is the family name of an aristocrat, and Seaton Delaval is a place. Famous, of course, from the song, which I think I might have sung on the podcast before.

Delaval is a terrible place. The rub wet clay in a blackleg's face, and ruined about the heap, they run a foot race for to catch the blackleg miner. So join the union while you may, didn't wait till your dying day, for that may not be far away,

you dirty blackleg miner. Oh, it makes messages. Quite a threatening song. Yeah. Come join us, you... That's why I joined song. Yeah. Come join us, ye. That's why I joined Equity. So there's a hall, Seton Delaval Hall, still there, built in 1718 by Admiral Delaval in the English Baroque style. It's pretty fabulous looking.

In 1822, part of it did burn down. It was burned down by jackdaws, as far as I can tell. What? The bird? Yeah, yeah, the bird. Or a man called Jackdaws? No, the birds. Oh.

Well, I think what they did was they made a nest in a chimney and that caused the fire. They were just like rubbing against each other and then like two sticks. Lighting matches, sticking them under the door. Yeah. That's how our school caught fire when I was a kid. Really? Jackdaws?

Jackdaws, yeah. Jackdaws set on fire. It's the North East. You can't move for a Jackdaw arsonist. And Seton Delaval Hall was home of the Gay Delavals. Basically, this is the Admiral's nephew, Francis Blake Delaval, and his enormous family. He had loads of kids, absolutely tons of illegitimate kids.

He was, by all accounts, a bit much. Oh. Basically, all of the women that we meet were visions of beauty, and all the men are roister-doisters. Yeah, okay. He had one of the... I've seen a picture of him. He had one of those posh chins, like he's holding a live budgie in his mouth. Oh.

There's sort of a... A rubber budgie in my mouth. And he loved pranks. Yeah. So I like to imagine that he would just open his mouth very slightly, and the budgie would peek his beak out and sing a little song. And then you'd be like, is there a budgie in here? And he'd just be like, I don't know what you're talking about.

And that, to be honest, is less annoying than any of the pranks he actually did play. Were they old school pranks? They are not any school pranks. You'd be kicked out of school for any of these pranks. You know, apple pie beds or cling film slash saran wrap over the toilet. No, no, no. They are on a different level altogether. Is he rubbing

clay in a blackleg's face? He's doing worse, worse even. So I'm quoting from the Monthly Chronicle of North Country Law and Legend, which I've quoted from before. The frequent fates and masquerades that were given converted the house and gardens into a perfect fairyland with throngs of gay and lively creatures frolicking and flirting about, as in the fabled isle of Calypso.

It shows how much the modern world has broken me that when you said the fabled isle, my first thought was the middle one in Lidl. Well, you can sometimes get calippos there, so it's similar. So what kind of pranks did he play? I can't find sources for all of them. The main one seems to be turning someone's bedroom upside down. Oh, that's quite fun.

So all of the furniture will be on the ceiling when they woke up and the chandelier will be on the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he die in an enormous amount of debt,istair yes great question james yes he very quickly racked up a lot of debt because you don't recoup an awful lot of money on pranks you know it's this is way before the time of punked when you could actually monetize pranks if he'd had a youtube channel he'd have been raking it in even if he'd been just like 20 years earlier, he could have made money sending them into the You've Been Framed, the world's funniest home videos type affairs.

But no. The next prank was recorded by friend of the pod, William Howitt, in Visits to Remarkable Places. Billy Howitt? Willie Howitt. Yeah, Willie How. Oh no, that's a hill, isn't it? That's a real place.

It is said that many were the contrivances in the house for carrying into effect practical jokes, such as beds suspended by pulleys over trap doors so that when guests had retired after a carouse and were just dropped to sleep, they were rapidly let down into a cold bath and awoke in consternation, finding themselves floundering in darkness and cold water.

Hilarious, just... Yeah, with twisted ankles. Funny. Just dropping people. Another contrivance was that of partitions between sleeping rooms which could be suddenly hoisted up into the ceiling by pulleys, so that when ladies and gentlemen were retiring to rest and had doffed all their finery of wigs and hoop petticoats, they would in a moment astonish to see the walls of the room disappear and to find themselves in a miscellaneous assembly of the oddest and most

embarrassing description. You know what that... He means your bits are on show, is what he means. That is a mild fear that I have in an unfamiliar toilet. You always think a wall's going to just lift away. I am a little worried that a wall will lift away. It has happened. It's rare. To be honest, I thought I'd got over it, but that has just ramped that anxiety right back up. I often would flick the Vs at the mirror in case someone had installed some sort of perv cam.

Yeah, just to let them know that you know. Yeah. I should have mentioned Sir Francis Delaval. He was a soldier, he was an actor, and he was an MP. Oh? He once claimed expenses for his attorney being thrown out of a pub window and breaking his leg.

Okay. And he went to his attorney and said, why did you charge me £500 for you being thrown out of a window and breaking your leg? And the attorney said, it was a joke, like one of your jokes for you being thrown out of a window and breaking your leg. And the attorney said, it was a joke, like one of your jokes that you do. It was a prank. And Francis Dover went, oh, that's hilarious. And then threw him out of a window of a pub and broke his leg. That's all right.

So value for money. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That sounds like a very scrappy defence for fraud. Yeah, yeah. You just say something like miscellaneous services. Not to being thrown out of the window of the Georgian Andover, to my leg being thereby broken, to surgeon's bill and loss of time and business, all in the services

of Francis Delaval. It's too specific. That's not funny. The attorney just wasn't good at jokes. That's the problem. I guess I can see why that guy went into law

and I can see why the other guy went into the military, parliament and jokery. Acting. And I can see why the other guy went into the military, parliament and jokery. Acting. And acting. So he's quite a character. Seton Delaval Hall is naturally haunted by the White Lady of Delaval Hall. In 1894, John Robinson's illustrated handbook to the rivers, for some reason,

mentions the ghost. And quite sweetly, he starts by sort of going, oh, this house is way too modern to be haunted. It's only 100 years old. It's only 100 or so years old. That's not why you normally get ghosts. And it's a classic tale of an unnamed Delaval falling in love with a young woman who was from a fine family but had no money. Uh-huh.

John Robinson says, the similarity of taste and frequent companionship between a lovely woman and a dashing Delaval could have but one result. That's right. Ghosts. Oh, I thought it was going to be a happy life. No, Lord Delaval didn't like this girl for some reason. He wasn't keen on her.

And so he sent the young Delaval away to Lincolnshire, where naturally he died. Delaval away to Lincolnshire, where naturally he died. And she wasted away looking out for him, waiting for his return, losing her marbles a little bit, and eventually also died of a broken heart. When the sun is sinking into the west and casts a halo of glory around the tops of the Cheviots, or when the full moon sheds her silvery light over the tall trees which guard the hall and casts the shadow of the Lady Chapel upon the south front of the ruins if you look then you will see the white lady of delaval hall yeah w-l-o-d-h love blood so francis blake delaval of delaval hall is probably the person

responsible for the tale i'm about to tell you of the Wall's End Witches. The Monthly Chronicle of North Country Law and Legend calls him the extraordinary humorist and mystery man, Sir Francis Blake Delafell, and compares the story to the poem Tower Shanta by Rabbie Burns. I'm not going to quote the poem, but I will tell you one thing. I looked this up on archive.org, where they scan the books in, and then I think it's called OCR. They automatically try and read the text. Yes. And sometimes, you know, if the prints are a little bit fuzzy, it often gets the wrong letters. Right.

And that is the reason that for the rest of my life, whenever I hear the name Rabby Burns, I will think the name Rabby Bums. I'm Rabby Bums. I'm Rabby Bums. Rabby Bums. He's more of a bum-based Rabby Burns. Yeah. I'm from Bumfries. Rabby Burns is from Dumfries.

You have to know that for that to work. I'm a bum-based Rabby Burns. I'm Rabby Bums. That's Rabby Bums. I thought you were going to say that that's why they're written like they are, the poems. Oh, are you having a go at Rabby Bums? Yeah, yeah. I'm giving old Robbie Burns a burn.

Did I tell you that I was invited to do a Burns Night Supper as the host? No. Did I tell you about that? It was a couple of years ago. It's a big thing. Everybody drinks a lot and they have a haggis. And then a comedian probably roasts everyone and makes jokes. And I replied by saying, sure, I'm up for it because the money was quite good.

But are you aware that I'm A, not Scottish, B, I don't drink, and C, don't eat meat? And never heard back from them. Oh. That was it. Sick burn. I should have gone in my character, Robbie Bums. It's the same as Robbie Burns,

but you can see his bottom. Of course, of course. So an unnamed Delaval was riding home at night and came upon the old church. But what's that? There's a light inside the church at night time. Oh, yeah. Strange, sinister.

Yeah. Uncool, as Robbie Burns would have it. Uncool. U-N-C-O, unco. Oh, yeah. Strange, sinister. Yeah. Uncool, as Robert Burns would have it. Uncool? U-N-C-O, uncool. Oh, okay. Uncool. Scott's word for... That is uncool.

Deliver went up to one of the windows and peered into the windows, and inside he saw quite a scene. Upon the communion table, at each corner of which was placed an inverted human skull containing some inflammable substance that burned brightly, he saw extended the body of a female, uncoffined and partly unrolled from the winding sheet,

while around it, apparently occupied in the preparation of charms, sat a number of withered hags. One of them had a knife out and was lopping bits off the body. Oh. Nah. Collips. Took one collop straightgs. Oh. One of them had a knife out and was lopping bits off the body. Oh. Nah. Collips. Took one collip straight off. Oh.

Handed it to another witch who scurried off to do whatever it is witches do with bits. With body bits. The bedlam who operated as dissector and who with stubbly beard, ugly buck teeth, red fiery eyes, and withered, wrinkled skin seemed the likeliest imaginable counterpart of one of Macbeth's witches. Delaval, who believed he saw before his eyes only a set of detestable, wicked old women fit to be burned at the stake for their dealings with the foul fiend, as well as for their desecration of the consecrated building, determined he would make an effort to stop their proceedings.

Basically, he busts in. Good. Kicks the door down. Good, yes. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. What are you doing? This is horrible. I am in the house, almost.

I'm in a town in France. The witch is arrested. She comes at him with a knife. Poof, poof, poof. It's a sort of Jackie Chan situation. Yeah? He manages to bind her hands without even disarming her. Wait a minute. He binds her hands without disarming her. Wait a minute, he binds her hands

without disarming her, that's not a good idea. She still had the knife, yeah, I think they got it off her eventually. She cut herself free then. Good point, I'm sure they thought of that though, James. I'm sure he thought of that, yeah. That's a little bit like me saying, are you sure that wasn't your bike? Yeah, fair enough, sorry. I'm sure they thought of eventually taking the knife away from her.

Yep, yep, yep. The time came for her to be burned on the beach at Seaton's Loose, or near Seaton's Loose. Seaton's Loose? Seaton's Loose. Is he? We'll go look for him then. And, well, I don't quite know how to explain this.

You know the way, if you're going to be executed, you get a last meal? Yes. Well, if you're about to be burned at the stake, it's well established that you're allowed to request two wooden bowls. Mm-hmm. Yeah? Four. Well, nothing. at the stake, it's well established that you're allowed to request two wooden bowls. Mm. Yeah? Four. Well, nothing.

The people of Seaton's Loose probably thought, that's going to burn, so yeah, sure. Mm. And they brought two wooden bowls to the witch. And as the smoke arose in dense columns around her, she placed a foot in each of the utensils, muttered a spell, cleared herself from the fastenings of the stake, and soared away on the sea breeze like an eagle escaped from the hands of its captor. What? So that's what you could use instead of a bike.

Yeah, sort of hoverboards. Yeah, but as we all know, it doesn't work over water. Oh, no. That's almost what happens. When she had risen to a considerable height, one of the dishes, which had supported her, lost its efficacy from having been by the young person who procured them, dipped unthinkingly

in pure fresh water. And so, after making several gyrations, the deluded follower of Satan fell to the ground. Oh. And they popped her back on the pile and burned her. Fair enough. Probably didn't happen because we didn't burn witches, really, in England. Yeah, that's the only bit of that story

that points out it might not have happened. And that's the reason that probably didn't happen. We did kill the people who were suspected of witchcraft, but not really by burning. Did they kill them by flinging them up in the air? They would just pop them on a couple of bowls and let nature take its course. Poyoying them.

So that's the story of The Witches of Wall's End. That's a great story. Do you think you could score said story, James? I reckon I could. Okay. Feeling pretty judgmental. Okay. I mean, don't make your decision now. Do what I want. Wait until you've heard the categories. You're not the boss of me. You've become very difficult to manage

lately, James. I have to say, you've really been acting up. My first category is naming. What did you think of the names in the story? Loved them. Loved them. Admittedly, you did mishear several of them, but I'm happy with that. I did mishear them, and I made them even better.

We've got a whole load of roister doisters. Roisters and doisters. Both roistering and doistering. Okay, not someone who roisters their doister. You'll never roister your own doister. No, no, no, no, no. It's a word for someone who has a budgie in his mouth. It's the only word they can say.

Doyster, doyster. And Seton Delaville sitting in the house. That's lovely. The church, wasn't the church called like Holy Cow? Yeah, it was called something like that. It was Holy Cross Church. It's next to G. Williker's Church. Yeah.

To me, there's only two better church names. The Church of the Assumption, which seems... Where's the Church of It Definitely Happened? Yeah, where's the Church of Empirical Evidence? I don't want to be labelled doubting Thomas, but come on. All right, Richard Dawkins. There's the Holy Name Church, which is the biggest placeholder I think

they've been allowed to get away with what was it called the holy cross church oh that sounds like me after when I discovered the bike was gone furious I was

and rabby bums rabby bums yeah okay five yes my next category supernatural half a dozen witches half a dozen plus a ghost whatever they were doing Yeah, okay, five. Yes! My next category, supernatural.

Mmm. Half a dozen witches. Half a dozen? Plus a ghost. Whatever they were doing, that was not natural. No. The upside-down skulls. Yes.

Which is a nice touch, but then I'm also thinking, how are they not rolling around the place? Maybe you'd melt a little wax. But my idea was that they'd just look out for people with particularly flat heads. In a dream scenario, wait till they died and rob their grave. The dream scenario is grave robbing for you? In this setup, yes. The dream scenario would be grave robbing.

Yeah, and if Francis Delaval got in there, when they fell asleep, he'd be gluing the skulls to the ceiling. And they'd wake up really confused. And all the light fluid would fall out and it'd be a death trap. Another death trap. But it would be quite a good prank when they'd look up and their altars up there and even sellotaped the cadaver to the ceiling that'd be hilarious prank but it's pretty spooky and then the one that they caught flies off in their magic clogs very very spooky like a spooky dutchman yes i thought if she'd have gone onto the sea in them,

it's like, oh, maybe. You know what? Yeah, like little boats, yeah. The ultimate in boat shoe. And then there's the weird logic that one of them had water on it, so it became water law. I imagine it sort of went, pook, pook, pook, pook, pook, pook, pook, pook, pook, pook, pook, pook,

just before it keeled over. My thought was that it's probably like a sort of holy water thing. Like it was the purity of the water that prevented it from working for evil magic purposes. For too long. Because it did for a bit. For a little bit. Yeah, yeah. But it's mostly jokes.

So I'm giving it a three. Next category. Deliver Liz a terrible place. Brackets. The rubric clear in the black next phase. Yeah, it does sound bad. It sounds awful. It does sound bad.

If you're not having your head chopped off to be turned into a lamp, you're being pranked by an insufferable man. Yeah, you're having an awful dinner party. What's the beachside area? Seton's sluice. Sluice. It's a very pooey word, sluice.

It's got, because it's got loo in it. Yeah. I guess, and loose. Yeah, and sluice. And just the word sluice. And the word sluice and the word sluice it doesn't sound great because in them days as well it would be like you'd have one big house and that would be arguably the best place around i mean it's very impressive you see pictures of it

incredible spiral staircase huge rooms stones ceiling the whole lot seems like an incredible spiral staircase but it turned into like a fun slide yeah you pull the lever and clunk all the stairs go down it becomes a helter skelter yeah a death trap it is quite a terrible place and what they did to that poor guy that they wanted in the union

that's bullying that's hazing I'm giving it a four you're giving it a four but you're also coming out against the international labour movement there. So that's a controversial four. Was he a scab? Yes, that's what a blackleg miner is. He's a scab. Oh, I thought he'd had a blackleg

because he'd been in the mine. No, it's an anti-scab song. Oh, well, I'm re-evaluating everything now. I thought it was dirty from coal. They're all dirty from coal. Well, yeah, that's why I wonder why they bother pointing it out. I thought it was for the rhyme scheme.

Oh, well, I look at it in a whole new way. It's right. Okay, maybe they should bully that man then. They should rub dirt in his face. Final category. Watch out, evil's about. Watch out, evil's about. You better watch out. Because evil's about Watch out, evil's about You better watch out

Because evil's about Yeah So the words are evil's about But I've modelled them after the theme tune of the TV show Beedle's About Beedle's About Do we need to explain what a beedle is? You need to explain it

Not just for Americans For anyone who's a bit younger than us What is a Jeremy Beedle? We may have talked on him before, Jeremy Beedle is. You need to explain it. Not just for Americans, for anyone who's a bit younger than us. What is a Jeremy Beedle? We may have talked on him before, Jeremy Beedle. He's sort of a more likeable Noel Edmonds, which he's not saying that much. He's Edmonds adjacent. And he definitely pranked Edmonds. I'm looking at our cork board here and we've got a picture of Edmonds

with radiating strings and at least one of them leads to beadle yeah but he's up at the same sort of level yeah similar sized picture but it's a different crime family beadle was a prankster yes i mean they were both notable pranksters but i think edmunds managed to in partnering up with blobby who was kind of an apologist for edmunds he became mr saturday night whereas whereas I think Beedle... Beedle was always on the outside looking in. Yeah, he was trapped in this sort of pranking mode. He presented his own prank-based TV show, Beedle's About,

where he'd hilariously wear fake beards over his real beard. I've forgotten that. The only one anyone can ever think of is the time he was a policeman in sunglasses. And then the only other show he did was You've Been Framed, wasn't it? Which you mentioned earlier. And so the point of this evil's about

is to say that it's a pranking. Evil's about, because we've got pranks and we've got actual satanic practices going on simultaneously. I don't think they were pranking that corpse. If they were, it had gone a bit far. Yeah. They did say one of them had a beard as well, so I'm thinking it might have been Beedle.

It might have been Beedle, yeah. And those pranks were annoying, as annoying as Beedle. Falling into a big tank of water just as you were dropping off to sleep. Yeah, because you'd have gone through a whole dinner party where, you know, you turn up, he's got a budgie in his mouth. You have dinner, there's salt in the sugar. There's sugar in the salt. Cling film over the jugged rabbit.

So you've got wee on it. As you normally would. What he's done, he's brought out what appears to be a lovely roast chicken and he's asked you to carve, but it's just a blooming balloon and it pops. And then you go to get ready for bed. All the walls of your room disappear. And then you finally settle into bed and then you're nearly drowned. Yes.

You get up, soaking, adrenaline pumping. You think, that's it. I'm going to get out of here. You go to the bike rack. Your bike's gone. It's been moved 20 centimetres to the right. Oh, those pranksters. You are flicking the Vs left, right and centre.

Come at me. Come at me. Come at me. Come at me, Beadle. I'm normally this angry. I've got one over on you, actually. Yeah. I have the upper hand. You shout at a policeman wearing sunglasses.

Yeah. Sounds like a five out of five to me. That is an absolute five. I mean, I'd like to say it's a five out of five and then it's an elaborate prank and it's a two. I turned upside down but I'm not going to because I'm better than that

you are I'm better than them I'm not going to let them turn me to be like them I don't think it was a prank to the somewhere bike I do think it was an actual thief

normally we record the outros a little while after the episode. Yeah. So I would ask you what happened with your bike, but we're recording this literally four minutes later. Yeah, I reported it to the police and they said, have you reported something before? And you said, I ain't no knock. No, it reminded me of a

previous time a bicycle of mine had been nicked, but it also reminded me that that was the time I got a letter from the police addressed to Mr. Spacecraft telling me they hadn't found my bike. Doesn't sound like a guy who would need a bike. No, he's probably got a blooming hoverboard

or two wooden bowls. Or simply two wooden bowls. So, join the Patreon. James, one bike down now. Thanks to you. Not thanks to you. Well, if you're listening and you stole a bike recently. We're after you.

...and we'll find you. It was a lovely pink. Really lovely pink bike.