Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep107: Loremen S3 Ep 107 - William Adams, The First Englishman in Japan Part 1

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Content warning - we say "willy" a LOT In 1600, William Adams was the first Englishman to visit Japan. Little was known about Japan at that time, apart from IN Japan where they knew pretty much all about it. In this, Part One of Adams's tale, we follow what must be one of history's most meandering, misbegotten and (probably) malodorous sea voyages. They really did not plan it well. The Loreboys are also exploring unknown territory with this, our first 2-part episode. The full story of William Adams was simply too long and revolting for a single episode. Part Deux will be with you in two weeks' time, because we're going to take next week off and have a little rest. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, this is a bumper episode this week. It's replete with story. It is, isn't it? There's a surfeit of legend. And it's only a part one.

Whoa, a two-parter? Never happened before. What's it the part one of? It's part one of the story of William Adams, the Kentish man who became the first Englishman to go to Japan on record. Kentish? Kentish.

He's not from Kent. Yeah, he's Kentish. Kentish. He's not from Kent. Yeah, he's Kentish. Right then, Alistair. James. I've got a real treat today. I've got something that I've labelled in my file system hierarchy, part one. Oh, you've got a file system hierarchy? Yeah, in a way. I thought we were just winging it. Well, you've got to save them on the desktop somewhere. That's the desktop. I don't even know where I save them.

I just let Microsoft Word make a decision. I don't think it's going to desktop. I don't know where it's going. Well, you just let Clippy take the wheel just click save just just let clippy do it yeah whoa i'm like a medieval lord throwing a chicken bone over my shoulder i don't care where it lands let the dogs feast upon it funny you should mention that image that i think we would mostly associate with henryIII, you know, having a big old bite of a leg of something. I've got a story from around that time of Henry VIII slash Elizabeth I,

or as they called her at the time, Elizabeth. The original hater. You hate Elizabeth I? No, no, no. I meant Henry VIII. It's like H8. Hate. Original hater.

Oh, yeah. Or maybe the Pope would8 hate original hater oh yeah maybe the pope would be the original hater in that context anyway elizabeth the first a woman who i have been compared to on numerous occasions oh really because of the hair i look like sort of the you know when she was sort of young sort of uh fancy free elizabeth the first yeah she had that beard she had that beard. She had a beard, yeah. Do you remember that is what I'm asking you? Yes, yes.

That's the look. Your Edinburgh poster. It's cheaper than getting a picture taken, isn't it? You just colour in Elizabeth I. Just add a beard onto Elizabeth I's face, yes. Yeah. Well, around that time, the mid to late 1500s. Lizzie 1.

Yes, Lizzie 1 era. The West, a.k.a. sort of Europe and that. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for deconstructing the construct of the West, James. They wanted to get to Japan because they'd heard stories that it was basically covered with gold. I've taken a lot of this from Summer Eye William by Giles Milton, which is a really good story version of the William Adams story. Why do we always think it's full of gold? Whenever we hear of an island or a place that we haven't been,

we just think, probably kicking huge lumps of gold around the beach. Why is that our first thought? Always. It would be good, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would be. Maybe someone said, like, it would be good if they had loads of gold there, wouldn't it? And someone just misheard it. But loads of things would be good.

Like, is this like the moon being made of cheese? Like, oh, it'd be good if the moon was made of cheese, though, wouldn't it? moon being made of cheese like oh it'd be good if the moon was made of cheese though wouldn't it yeah but like if the astronauts actually were expecting it to be made of cheese that that is the comparable situation yeah they brought no crackers they were woefully underprepared that countdown is how many crackers they have left in the famous recording as the as the lander approaches the surface one small snack for man i was thinking about um gulliver's travels because we know every movie version of it just does lilliput yeah that's just the first place he goes yeah i guess you know this he goes he goes to lilliput he goes to brobding nag never

know how to pronounce it is that he goes to a place of little people a place of massive people brobding nag he goes to laputa oh yeah spanish for the sex worker yeah this is being flagged in spain right now yeah you can't really translate that we can't really translate that into english um laputa off of that that studio ghibli film which is full of scientists he goes to the i can't remember what it's called the home of the winnings who were like talking horses and he also goes to well-known fantasy location japan oh his final stop on his journey to imaginary places is just japan actual japan when was that written then that was written in the 18th century uh right okay so a bit after this 17 it was written in 1726 okay so it's not that long after uh william adams was what's his dad i didn't actually write down his dates will

willie adds billy adams yeah he's who i'm going to talk about later adams bad adams no he was Didn't actually write down his dates. Willie Adds. Billy Adams, yeah. He's who I'm going to talk about later. Badams. Bad Adams. No, he was a good Adams. He was fine. He was neutral, I believe. Which, as far as British history goes,

is about as good as you can hope for. Yeah. I mean, we're going to find out a lot about that on this part one and perhaps see why uh these ill-fated trips were so ill-fated william adams was years were 1564 to 1620 and he was as we'll find out the first englishman to reach japan but first of all prequel time why did he want to go to japan why did they think everything was made and covered in gold did they like those those pocky sticks yes his chocolate

covered sticks was it that he was the original otaku um well no because the the thing was, Japan and that area of the world was very unexplored by the West. Like, maps of it are basically just made up. Quite thoroughly explored by the people who lived there, I should imagine. Oh, massively. But we knew of its existence over here, or William knew of its existence, because of the stories that had come from three portuguese traders slash adventurers who had landed in kyushu in 1544 now kyushu is one of the main islands of japan if you can sort of picture japan in your head you know you got that big long banana shaped

one yep that's honshu at the top of that is an island. I think it looks a bit like a manta ray or something. That's called Sapporo. Then you've got a little guy called Shikoku that no one ever really notices. Just a little Shikoku? Yeah, a little Shikoku. Just a little Shikoku? Which means four counties.

And then there's Kyushu, which is where this guy landed. That is where you'll find your Nagasaki's. Oh, right. Yes, of course. And there've been a few ill-fated trips trying to find the Northwest Passage, which is over the top of North America. And Arctic adventurer, George Best said...

The footballer, yeah. No, not the flamboyant footballer. The Arctic adventurer had said that of the Northwest Passage, that it would freeze not only men's bodies but also the very lines and tackling wow so that's probably when he started drinking yeah and he said that whilst pouring champagne onto a pyramid of champagne glasses people had heard about it from these three portuguese traders who'd basically they'd been trading in china and had been on the the japan sea slash korean sea depending on who you ask and a typhoon slash tempest blew them

onto japan to a little place called bungo yep and it was explained via chinese interpreters that these were people from the other side of the world. And the native Japanese people thought that these Portuguese looked really weird, that they had massive noses and big hairy moustaches. And they stank. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Okay. I don't mean to be attacking Portuguese people here.

I shouldn't have said, yep, so confidently. I mean, yep. That's probably how a European person would have been perceived at the time. Not, yep, Portuguese people sure do stink. Yeah, no, this is... Are we sure they didn't just have massive noses? Because, like, three guys with big noses could easily have become friends. What, in the Big Nose Club?

They formed their own Big Nose Society. They wouldn't necessarily have called it BNC, or it could have been called anything. It could have just been called proboscis. You know, give it like a Latin name, so nobody quite cottons on to what it is. Like that first clip of David Bowie on the telly when he was a kid. They were being interviewed because they had long hair

and they'd formed the Boys with Long Hair Society. Because people shouted at us in the street and they call us names. That was when he was played by Harry H. Corbett as a child. People are always shouting at us in the street and calling us names. It's disgusting. You dirty old star man. Yeah, so the Lord of Bungo was sent a message that these foreigners basically had arrived,

and he replied saying, kill them, take their stuff. Seems reasonable. But his eldest son said, basically, in essence, that would be bad PR for us round Bungo way. Yeah, all people know about Bungo so far is that it's got a brilliant name. Yeah, they thought they'd sort of find out some more about these people. And they picked the most flamboyant of them, Fernal Mez pinto

and he was chosen to visit the lord of bungo why did they choose the most flamboyant i don't know it's just because he had fancy clothes and he had a bit of a way about him i think all right yeah let me just find a quote he his um title page of it uh notes that he he had five times suffered shipwreck, was 16 times sold, and 13 times made a slave. He had a right old life. At what point do you realise you're bad at being a sailor? Then you shouldn't do it. But it seems he was a blagger because Lord Bungo was very ill, and he was actually ill, and he was also a bit of a hypochondriac,

which is a bad combination. Terrible combination. That's the last thing you would want. And he had a terrible problem with his tum-tum. So he wanted to know if Pinto had a remedy from the other side of the world that could cure him. Bit of a long shot, but more realistic than thinking there'd just be gold everywhere.

He said he had some wood on his ship, and if he made a special tea with it, and the Lord drank it for 30 days, it would cure him. Which is quite a good plug, because you think within 30 days, his health's going to go up and down. He's bought himself a bit of time, at least. Yeah, at the very least, he's going to be able to make friends, hopefully. And they were kind of accepted for a bit.

Lord Bungo kept them around, despite the fact that, I mean, the Japanese people at this time, they were bathing regularly, they were shaving, they were wearing clean clothes, and these, you know, you can imagine, I mean, 16th century Portuguese is not that different from 16th century England,

and if you imagine the smell of those people, they're going to stink. Yeah, they've been on a ship for ages, James. They were blown in a typhoon. I think you've been really judgmental towards these stinky, big-nosed Portuguese. I don't know what they did to upset you and the Lord Bungay. Bungay? Bungo.

Bungo. Well, Lord Bungo saw something in them that I haven't mentioned yet. He saw in them the fact that they had a load of guns. Ah. And he wanted those guns. This is firearms rather than upper body strength. Yeah, well, maybe, actually.

No, I think it is firearms, because the son crept into Pinto's room, stole one of his guns, and he didn't really know how to shoot it. He ended up putting too much gunpowder in and when he went to fire it, it blew his hand up. Almost blew his fingers clean off. Everyone thought it was Pinto's fault.

They were basically about to kill Pinto. They took him to the court, they dipped a knife in the son's blood and they were going to stab him. On hygiene. Pinto said, hold on, I think I can cure it. This is going to have to be a pretty good tea. Well, he did some stitches and he stuck some egg white on it and it stopped bleeding and the guy made a bit of a recovery.

And that is a mantra I live by, to be honest. With most foods, they can be improved if you stick an egg on it. Stick an egg on it, yeah. And it seems most wounds stick an egg on it. Just an egg on it, yeah. And it seems most wounds stick an egg on it. Just the same. Wounds in that way similar to breakfast.

Yeah. Sorry, this is not a medical podcast. Please see a medical practitioner. Yeah, don't just put an egg on it if you've blown your hand up. With a gun. So, yeah, Pinto had earned

the trust of the court. Get the eggs. Have we got any eggs? Good, because that's what I, a doctor, recommend. Yeah, just stick an egg on it. So, yeah, he earned the trust of the court. And a hilarious incident happened later on when Pinto and his men were invited to a banquet

and everyone there was eating with chopsticks, obviously, because that's what they did. But the Portuguese didn't know how to use them. I suspect the sun might not have been using chopsticks. Good point. The Portuguese just used their hands, and everyone kind of laughed at them. And at the end, a Japanese merchant came in

with a bunch of fake wooden arms to give to Pinto and his crew because they'd need them because their hands must smell loads now. And how the court laughed. Fake wooden arms as a put down. Yeah. You can't have made them just then. Yeah, I don't know because it said it specifically says it happens at the end of the meals. I don't know if Bungo went like, get whittling.

Quickly. This is going to be hilarious. Whittle like the wind, gentlemen. I have a prank in mind. And the eldest son was like, I actually find that quite offensive. Right, so because their hands smell from the food. Yeah. I mean, he's right. I guess

that's why we use cutlery, to stop getting food on our hands. Yes, exactly. There are other things you can do. Some people use rice as a barrier. Gloves. Gloves, yep. Wooden hands. Sandwiches. Yes. A Cornish pasty. Yep.

And so on. Come on, three Portuguese sailors. There's so many options. Pinto eventually returned to Europe with these tales. After setting up, business is being an intermediary, selling Chinese silks to the Japanese, because Japan was banned from trading with China by China because Japan kept attacking its coastline.

Right. And they're like, just stop it, will you? We're not going to sell you these silks that you really want now. So he was basically, he was their way of getting nice silk. Yeah. He was your middleman. What does pinto mean? I know it's a car.

Does it mean small or does it mean pint? Pinto means a point, doesn't't it it's like a dot chick it says it means a chick yeah also might mean yep in brazil are we getting bleeped together is this are we getting bleeped in spain and portugal now yeah i just googled what it means, and it's unrepeatable. Oh. So I guess it's become, wow, the Ford Pinto really is placed in a different context. It doesn't mean pint. Right. That's all we know.

Word got back that you could make a lot of money here in Japan, and Elizabethan London was put in quite the quandary, because on the one hand, they're really racist. And on the other hand, they can make loss of money. What do you do? I'm doing the weighing up hands. Yes. Yes.

We do enjoy racism, but we also like money. Cause at that time as well, most of the places that they'd been to had been like people with not as good weapons that they could basically overthrow. And they were just really racist. They just thought everyone else was not as good as them. In fact,

in Samurai William, it says that one group were held to be particularly backward, idolatrous, superstitious, and living in barbarous ignorance. They were the Welsh. To be honest, probably most people in Elizabethan London thought that of just their mates. I mean, it's a bit much for people who throw poo out of windows.

It's a bit much for you to be going, oh, look at those Welsh slobs. Goddy-loo! In 1564, so what's that, 20 years after those Portuguese landed in Japan, William Adams was baptised in Gillingham. He became an apprentice pilot and a shipwright, and he was actually one of the first apprentices that used the science of navigation because before the sort of francis drake times

english sailing have been kind of guesswork and folklore a little wing in it yeah and like and i looked up some sailors folklore because this has not been folkloric enough it's been an obscure history enough but i've got a bit of folklore uh things that are bad luck to a sailor having a red sky in the morning so they've got that in common with shepherds yes because shepherds hate that yeah red sky at night sailors slash shepherds delight

red sky in the morning sailors slash shepherds warning apparently there is some scientific fact in that really? I don't know don't buy it I'm sorry don't buy it

prove it to me prove it I can't know. Ah, don't buy it. I'm sorry, sorry. Don't buy it. Prove it to me. Prove it. I can't do that now. Other bad luck, being called Jonah because of the Bible. Well, yeah, yes. Fair enough. I think that's still a thing. Side fun fact, some people think that, you know, Davy Jones, as in Davy Jones' locker.

Yes. Some people say that it was the name of a guy who ran a pub that they always used to conscript people into the Navy. So there's a legendary real Davy Jones. Yes. But other people think that the Davy Jones is Jonah's ghost. Oh. The ghost of Jonah from the Bible. But yeah, anyway, he's bad luck, as are vicars, redheads, and women.

Right. Redheads? Yep. I don't see why you would throw us in there. Yeah, well, and a Friday is bad luck. Friday's a bad luck. Friday's a bad luck. I guess it's just that life at sea is hard,

because I'm not sure anything is good luck based on this. It's like a Friday. What are you going to do? You're on a boat. Sirens are bad luck. What? Sirens? Sirens.

You know, the legendary creatures. Sirens, the mythological beast. Yes, they are bad luck. That lure you to the rocks. Yes, they're considered very bad luck. Yes. As another version of them are called skiller, and they're women at the top.

They've got a sea monster's tail and instead of legs they got dog heads this is s-c-y-l-l-a yeah that i think that's a single monster in the in the odyssey i think there's silla and haribdis which is a huge whirlpool and ulysses has to sail between the two of them. Albatross is dead or killed. Bad luck. Oh, yeah, yeah. As in the old Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Exactly.

Bananas. Bananas? Yeah. Bad luck. Bad luck. Bad luck. And whistling. Whistling?

Yes, it's considered bad luck because it's like you're teasing the wind. Didn't tease the wind, lad. Is it bad luck or is it annoying it's considered bad luck to put your shoes on the table like it's gross to put your shoes on the table you put your shoes on the table because it reminds the devil of dead bodies or is it because they might have poo on them yeah because poo lives on the ground where shoes go that And that's where you eat. It's bad luck to walk underneath a ladder because it might fall on you or the person up the ladder might

drop something on you. Despite all this, William Adams signed up to pilot as part of a fleet that was voyaging from Rotterdam to the Spice Islands of the East Indies.

Yes, which as I recall was five islands. Yes, one of them was scary. One of the islands was posh. Oh, it's the same joke. We're doing the same joke. One of them was baby and the final island, I'm afraid to say Alistair, was very unlucky. Extremely unlucky final island. Thick with gingers.

Which is a spice. Yes, finally. It occurs to me that's the only one of the Spice Girls line-up that even works. That's a good point. That one is a spice. The rest of them should have been spices. Is ginger a spice though? What's the difference between a spice and a herb? Let's not open the

whole all-spice debate. The ruling is passed on all spice. It's not open the whole all-spice debate. The ruling is passed on all-spice. It's not all the spices. So these Dutch ships set out, and I cannot pronounce these accurately, but they were called the Hoop, the Geloof, the Liefde, the True, the Bleedschop, which apparently meant hope, faith, love, fidelity,

and many messenger. They just named the ships as jokes then, like as a prank on the people who they're about to invade and take advantage of. Yeah. There was the Admiral Mahou and the Vice Admiral Simon de Cords.

Amazing trousers. Yes, Simon the Trousers. They were very generous with their supplies for the first couple of months. And by the time they reached North Africa, they realized they made a terrible miscalculation and slashed the supplies to the bare minimum. And that was just the start of what turned out to be one of the worst boat trips ever. Even worse than that time my sister fell in the boat in lake alexandra palace even worse than that so this they set sail by the way in in june 1598 in mid-august rations

were slashed to a minimum and they realized they needed to stop to get some food they went from rotterdam they sort of nicked along england for a bit and then they sort of hugged to the coast of europe down past portugal around africa to the cape verde islands where many of the men had already succumbed to scurvy and dysentery aka the dreaded body flux whoa awful combo they got to these these islands the cape verde islands which were at that time under the control of the portuguese and the admiral mahu sent a message saying that they came in peace but he was informed by the portuguese that they could not believe what the fleet said and they refused to give him any food or water until the governor told him that it was all right

the governor was away at that time. I'm sorry, I'm very frustrated. Because I like the way you described it as they decided to stop for some food. Like they're pulling into a Happy Eater. But I have been in that situation where you get there and it's closed because it's too late and you have to talk to a guy through the glass. Just come on. And he doesn't want to be there and you don't want to be there. But you've got to try and get him to give you a vegan chickpea wrap.

But he doesn't, he can't mime vegan. It's very hard. So I do sympathise. Well, what Captain Von Boonegan did, the captain of the Leifter, he suggested an all-out assault on Prior Island. Okay. He landed with 150 soldiers, and they captured the castle because the Portuguese garrison ran away

and they managed to take control of this castle on a desolate mountaintop that didn't have that much food in it so sheepishly they dismantled the barricades packed up the cannon got back on the boat and said sorry can we have some food please which is kind of like you i imagine banging on the on the doors turns out they were right there all along. Yeah, sorry about the invasion, but I know I get like that when I'm hungry. Sorry, I didn't realise you were actually still open. Can we have some food, please? So the Portuguese governor said no.

I wasn't on his side to begin with, but I am now, post-invasion. If they had behaved themselves as friends, they might have easily obtained what they descried. So no, they had to get back on their boat boat i think the governor's the manager who was away and they were just speaking to the person who was cashing up first of all i see i see and he said i can't give you the food i need to speak to the governor aka manager so you've had a full-on assault with 150 men and then the managers come in and said no you can't have your vegan nut wrap just to be clear it's a chickpea wrap

not a nut wrap I'm not sure what a nut wrap is I don't think you can get it at a late night petrol station dispensary you definitely can't mime it you definitely shouldn't

mime it on the 22nd of September the hoop raised a flag summoned all the captains on board can I just remember is that a ship

or is that a nickname you've given to one of the captains the hoop is one of the ships. Yeah, the hope. Right. The Admiral had died of a fever. So they opened the sealed papers and unsurprisingly,

the Vice Admiral was promoted to Admiral Simon the Cords. Okay. So the Cords is in charge. Yeah. They still need to find food because they got scurvy. They got no food.

They went to the Isle of ano bueno um and it lay off the coast of equatorial guinea good year is that yeah i think so well that bodes well they went to go there but they were attacked by some people the native people oh fair enough attacked um shot someone with a poison arrow and the poison wrought. So that night he was marvelously swollen and all his belly and privy parts were as black as ink. Not his privy parts. Yeah. The next morning he died.

Before they even had time to administer a nut rap. So they couldn't land there. So they carried on to Cape Lopez. Sorry, did they consider putting an egg on it? I don't. Maybe they didn't have spare eggs. No, of course if they had eggs, they would have... Sorry, that's a stupid question.

If they had eggs, of course they would have eaten the eggs. Yeah. Obviating the need for eggs as a medicine. Egg prevention is better than egg cure. Yes, exactly right. So, yeah, it's the wet season. They're ill. I mean, it's always the wet season in the ocean

isn't it yeah that's true it's a notably wet location it's on all right then on the land they were trying to get to it was a wet season oh on the land it was the wet season yeah and it was summer and they were from northern europe so they were not having a very good time at all with this they got to cape l, which, because they heard that it had some friendly people there. And they went to land and they met with the chieftain. He gave them a stew

made from smoked hippopotamus and they didn't really like it. Oh, come on! Nobody likes stewed hippopotamus. You haven't eaten anything for six months. Come on! Chieftain was like, and you're going to give me some food now?

Because, you know, that's polite. And so they gave some of the last of their food to him. 16 more men died. And they decided to press on. They got to Annabon. Unfortunately, when they got to the island, they discovered it was swarming with Portuguese musketeers. And it was still really muggy and it's a bit muggy there's so many things wrong

with this voyage i can't believe they complained about how muggy it was and they got dysentery and fever and loads of people were dying so on the 2nd of January, they weighed anchor and set course for South America. So if you imagine now, they're popping across the Atlantic. Whoa, they're not going to try and go around the Cape at the bottom of Africa? No, they're going left. They're pinging left?

Or right to their eyes, but to us, left. West. West is the word. Correct. I think we're giving ourselves away as not sailors here that's why they invented that didn't they okay that's that's not the move i was expecting no they're heading west it seems to me there's quite a long period with no food stops they didn't know quite how big the pacific was basically right so they get down to the very tip of south america

sorry they make it across the Atlantic Ocean? Yep. Wow, well done them. The scarcity of victuals brought such feebleness that our men fell into so great weakness and sickness for hunger that they did eat the carved skins where our ropes were covered, and they developed scurvy real bad. At the time, people didn't really know what caused Scurvy.

Some thought it was sloth, some conceit. Oh, come on. Some people thought it was conceit. Yeah. They looked at a ship full of starving sailors with Scurvy and thought, arrogant. You arrogant, arrogant men. You smug fools.

Well, you know what? If only you were less conceited this wouldn't have happened in a way they were because the cure for scurvy had been discovered seven years earlier by an english adventurer called james lancaster jimmy lanks jimmy lanks and he gave lanky jim hello uh he gave his crew three spoonfuls of lemon juice and they didn't get scurvy. Right. Unfortunately, Lancaster's cure was quickly forgotten and scurvy was to remain a blight among seamen for another 161 years. Come on.

How did we rule the waves? I don't know. I'm annoyed. That's made me cross. They are arrogant. People are dropping like flies now. Some of them are just keeling over whilst eating bread, it says. Their limbs are locking and they're foaming at the mouth and they're dying.

The end of March, they'd reached Argentina. It took them three months to get across. And they wanted to drop anchor immediately, but the wind was going in the right direction for them so they pushed on to the Straits of Magellan now these are a pretty they're at the very tip there's like a bunch of islands off the very tip of South America and there's a way through but it's quite hard to find and they managed to get through and then they saw an island full of penguins uh which according to adams he gives them some context penguins which are fowls greater than a duck

there you go okay i don't have i don't hold that much hope for the penguins in this story no um i think they're gonna eat those penguins within minutes, they'd club to death more than 1,400 of them. I don't know why I'm laughing at that. I think it's that they managed it within minutes. 1,400. Yeah. That's more penguins. I know you were hungry.

Yes. But sometimes you shouldn't shop when you're hungry. You shouldn't club penguins when you've got scurvy. Yeah. Club a penguin, eat a penguin, then see how you feel. Give it 20 minutes, yeah. 1,400 penguins. The image penguin, eat a penguin, then see how you feel. Give it 20 minutes, yeah. 1,400 penguins. The image, there is a...

1,400, James. ...image of it, and it sort of shows in the foreground a penguin looking morosely off into the distance, and in the background there's sailors just smashing penguins to pieces. A single sad penguin. Well, that is a really sad story of loads of penguins dying. It was winter now down there.

One of the ships lost their anchor when the cable snapped in a storm. A thick sea mist descending on the fleet and that slowed them down. They were basically trapped in

what one of the crew members, DeVit, wrote as a perpetual stormy winter. And he just wrote a list of grievances. Rain, wind, snow, hail, hunger, losses of anchors, spoils of ship and tackling, sickness, death, want of store and store of wants conspired to fullness of miseries. Well, you only lost one anchor, so stop exaggerating.

Losses of anchor. I like that want of store and store of wants. That's good. Yeah, a gift. Yeah, a gift for the gripe. I'd like to hear this guy writing into Anne Robinson's watchdog in the 90s. Round these parts, the locals didn't like visitors very much. A group rode out to their fleet, and they just threw rocks at the boat,

shouted abuse, and rode away again. Good. So they rode they just threw rocks at the boat, shouted abuse and rode away again. Good. So they rode out, threw rocks at the men. Did they speak the language? How do we know we weren't saying, welcome, here are some rocks for you. I hope you like the rocks. This is my favourite rock. Here, free rocks.

over at rock here free rocks unsurprisingly morale was at a low so this is worse than the earlier bit where like 16 guys died wow simon the cords tried to raise morale with a little pageantry he like made a club made his captain's knights this guild, and he called it the Order of the Furious Lions. This sounds so annoying. This is like the No Monster Club. Not all your problems can be solved by forming a club. They rode ashore with trumpets going off, and they put a big pillar up, and they put a plaque with the names of all the knights on it at the bottom,

and he ordered that the dead be buried at the foot of the pillar. You know, light stuff. Yeah, light-hearted fun, yeah. And then they went back to the boat, really chuffed with themselves. And then the locals smashed the monument to pieces, dug up the corpses and pulled them to pieces in front of them. And apparently the body of Simon de Korsbouw was particularly badly mutilated.

They pulled his willy off. Oh no. Oh no. They unwrapped his nut. Yes. And so it's now the last week of August. The weather started to ease off and they'd sailed off

and they found the Pacific Ocean and then the fleet was scattered by a massive storm and they'd sailed off and they found the Pacific Ocean and then the fleet was scattered by a massive storm and they were all blown in separate directions. The numbers they were down by so the Galoof had started with 110 and now they only had

38. Yeah. The Bledjibudskup was hit by an enormous wave, drifted for many weeks and was captured by the Spanish. Only a handful of crew ever made it home from that one. The crew of the Geloof decided to abandon their voyage and they turned around, went back through the Straits

and eventually reached Rotterdam in July 1600. Well, they got that far and just went back. Yeah. Wouldn't you be like, I just think we live here. Just push on. 36 of the original 109 were left alive. The Trues crew headed off towards the East Indies, as it was called then. The ship was captured

by the Portuguese. There was only 24 left from the original 86 and they were shackled and imprisoned. Only six ever escaped the dungeons and returned to the Netherlands. All that's left is the leifter and the hoop all they know is that they are supposed to rendezvous in peru and the fleet's captains had agreed to wait at the rendezvous for 30 days imagine that i give people like 10 minutes

for a skype call never mind a peru rendezvous peruvian rendezvous the exciting double album uh in november 1599 the leaf had dropped anchor in a particular bay off the islands of mocha and santa maria and they were like we're going to chat to the locals see what we can do now some of francis drake's people had attempted this 20 years earlier and well they were captured and the locals worked with knives upon their bodies and cut the flesh away by gubbets oh wow which i think is bigger than a call up yeah it's just one up from a call up and they went there and the local people didn't want them there they shot arrows at them.

And I don't think they were saying, look at these great arrows. Here, have some arrows. I think that's reason free arrows. So they managed to sort of get across that they just wanted food and they were willing to trade iron and silver with them. The locals decided they would trade. They gave them food, potatoes and fruit and stuff and they said all right you go back to your boat come back on tomorrow and we'll give you a load

of more stuff sounds like a trap sounds like someone's getting their willy pulled off funny you should say that i mean i'm not a world's traveling sailor i'm not uh i'm not a man of the world like these guys i I think you'll be fine. So the next morning, the captain himself did go in one of the boats to the shore with all the force he could make. And as they were coming towards the shore, the locals were sort of in the tree line and saying, come on, come over here.

And they're like, you come out here a bit. Pulling on a pair of willy pulling gloves. The captain kind of thought, oh, they just don't understand us, that we want them to come to the water's edge to trade. We'd better get out. But he did take 23 of his finest foot soldiers. Okay. Alright. So he's a little bit

wary. And then they saw that there were a thousand of them waiting in ambush, and there was a prearranged signal. They immediately fell upon our men with such weapons as they had, and slew all our men to our knowledge again well done to the locals yeah killed them all but it was a home game yes um so they went off to the other island um and they met up with the admiral on the hoop again and they'd been attacked as well everyone was down the name of the hoop as well is becoming bitterly ironic at this point.

Yeah. They were kind of knocking around this island, chatting about what they were going to do, and then two Spanish coast guards came aboard and said, what are you doing? What's going on here? And they basically, Adams and his gang just kidnapped them. They were like, give us food or we'll kill you.

Okay. All right. So they did. They gave him quite a lot of food oh they needed to replace captain van boonigan so they chose jacob quackenack it was uh who was a duck and then they had to work out where they were going to go were they going to go to the spice islands were they gonna go to quackenack probably want to go to the Spice Islands? Were they going to go to... Quackenacro want to go to the Bread Island. Were they going to go

to the Philippines? They decided they were going to go to Japan. So I thought they... Were they not planning to go to Japan then? Not originally. They were Spice Islands.

And they got near to the Spice Islands and then thought, actually, let's go to Japan. Let's just carry on to Japan. Let's just go to Japan. While we're here, after 300 men have died,

let's not go to our destination because they had wool and they thought these guys are gonna love wool so they set sail across what they did not know was the pacific ocean because they didn't have maps Oh, lads, lads, lads, lads, lads. So this is the end of November 1599. And the diary kind of tails off a bit now because I imagine it was very samey. But they did find certain islands somewhere in the mid Pacific. Unsurprisingly, local rumor was the inhabitants were men eaters. Probably because whenever they go anywhere, they just attack people or complain about their food yeah i don't know how did the reputation of um foreign lands being full of gold and and and and promise when when you actually go there what they're full of is people

who live there who don't want you to invade people who want to show you their rocks and arrows which seems perfectly reasonable how did the how did the gold thing get started? I don't know. The sight of land proved too much for eight of the men. They ran away because they were in the penis. I'm sorry? Eight of the men, being in the penis, ran away from us. Penis is a type of boat. Oh.

P-I-N-N-E-S-S-E. Penis. Penis. Penis. Right. Okay. Yeah. They ran away and no one knows what happened to them so when they reported like oh the locals have got his penis the captain probably thought well we could do without one boat yeah what more more modern people think more modern scholars think is that they'd actually unknowingly discovered for the west hawaii i was simply i was just zooming in on hawaii on the map thinking that's got to be where

they were so there's 179 years before captain cook and uh an english missionary william ellis landed in hawaii in 1822 and he was told that there was a boatload of sailors long before cook's arrival and these they've been kindly received by the native islanders married hawaiian women and become like honorary hawaiians so those guys did all right hopefully yeah those those pure people the penis boys yeah the penis crew really made out pretty well compared to everyone else so far. Yeah. And then it started raining again. Another massive storm and a big gale. And suddenly there was a cry from the lookout on the leifter. The hoop had keeled over and the lights had gone out.

The silhouette disappeared beneath the surface and she vanished. Swallowed by an almighty gulp of the sea, neither she nor any survivors were ever seen again. So we're down to one boat. No more hoop. Or hoop is lost. So the Lefters on its own, lost in the Pacific.

So they just sailed on in what they hoped, believed was a northwesterly direction. And they were very ill. They were starved. They were sick with scurvy. They got dysentery. Adam's writing hisved. They were sick with scurvy. They got dysentery. Adam's writing his diary. Great was the misery we were in, having no more but nine or ten able men to go or creep on their knees.

Creeping around the boat on their knees? Yeah. Miserable. And then on the 12th of April, 1600, more than 20 months after they set sail, they saw land. There was a little smudge on the horizon. It got bigger and bigger as the day went on. William wrote in his book, So we in safety let fall our anchor about a league from a place called Bungo.

Back in Bungo. And that is where part one will end for today. Start off the book saying, got any penguin? Absolutely famished. I could really go for about a hundred penguins. Better not be stewed hippo here again. Hippo? No, thanks.

Back on the boat, lads. Yes, they are lovely rocks. Well, I can't wait for part two. Yeah. But I'm going to. You're going to have to. I really enjoyed part one. Did you enjoy it enough to score it?

Yes, I think I could dispense a few scores yeah should we should we kick off with naming names okay what was his name quasacally uh there was quackenac towards the end quackenac showed up quackenac well it's five points just for quackenac so let's set him just to one side let's look at some of the others um simon the simon trousers yeah simon decor simon the cords simon the cords lord bungo to one side to look at some of the others Simon Simon Trousers Simon Decor Simon Decords Simon Decords Lord Bungo The Lord of Bungo

I thought the Spice Islands thing was quite funny the names we gave that's kind of it but I knew I had Jacob Quackenac yeah you had Quackenac

in the back pocket amazing it's five and that is purely for Quackenac unlike that barber that ended up with a knackered quack okay then well let's just do this one it's supernatural well okay you try you slept in a a skiller or siller and uh sirens yeah yeah it's it's a It's a fair old try.

Bananas? The spookiest fruit. I like Davy Jones being Jonah's ghost. That doesn't make any sense. Why would he change his name? Just improve his SEO. Yeah. Why change your name?

Because your name is indelibly associated with sinkings, only to change your name to another name indelibly associated with sinkings. No, I don't buy it. Jonah and Davy Jones, no connection. Apart from the noise, Joan. Oh, okay then. I think it's a two for Supernatural. All right, all right, all right.

Fine. Fine then. If Quackenac had been a full-sized duck, the size of a man. Or a penguin that had kind of infiltrated the crew during the massacre. And that image of a penguin being made a captain of a boat brings me to my next category, which is a terribly bad trip. Oh, man, what a bad trip.

Oh, yeah. It started all right. They got loads of food to eat. Apparently they had so many biscuits, they had to put them in cupboards. Oh, it's got to be one of the most tragic and miserable stories of human suffering that we've ever, ever had on the podcast. Awful. Hundreds of people dying completely pointlessly.

Just the captain saying if you're not enjoying it i can turn this ship around and then go home and then he does that halfway through the voyage meaning they traveled the exact distance they would have traveled to their destination yep but didn't get there yep rendering the whole thing pointless knowing for certain that there are places they do not want to go because there's like that island that they just invaded and then didn't get any food from. So embarrassing to go through a series of islands, kidnapping and invading people on your way to your voyage.

Change your mind and then have to do the walk of shame back through those islands. Well, that's what they say, isn't it? Be nice to people on the way around the world. Yep. Try not to murder them and insult their stude hippopotamus because you're going to meet them on the way back down around the world. Yep. Try not to murder them and insult their student hippopotamus because you're going to meet them on the way back down around the world.

You only get your Willie pulled off twice. Once on the way up. Oh dear. So. Poor fool. Points for the worst trip ever. Worst trip ever. Whoa.

I mean, even people who, even people who didn't like the ride-along with the law boy extras would agree that we seem like excellent company by comparison. It's five out of five. Yeah. Awful. Yeah. Terrible.

Terrible. Brilliant. Okay, then. Final category. Feeling quite confident about this. A Mount of Penguin. Okay. Well, there was a confident about this. Amount of penguin. Okay. Well, there was a dearth of penguin for most of the voyage.

I think you'll agree. You think? A distinct absence of penguins. So it sort of goes, no penguin, no penguin, no penguin, no penguin, no penguin. Penguins! No penguins, no penguins, no penguins, no penguins. Unless Quackenac was a penguin in disguise. Unless our fringe theory that Quackenac was a disguised penguin is valid.

Maybe he even joined them in Holland and had to watch on with a tear rolling down his beak while his starving crewmates murdered. And then he was like, well, that was where I was going to go, but now every penguin I know is dead. Might as well carry on to Japan. Yeah. I'd love to say, because most of the voyage didn't involve penguins, that it's a low score for amount of penguin.

But there were so many penguins during the penguins episode. Yeah. The penguin minutes. Like to the extent that I'm sure they've written the wrong number of penguins I just can't believe that you needed that many penguins

yeah it's it's 1400 out of 5 yes probably round that down to 5 out of 5 yeah alright then maxed out

I'd love to I'd love to have been tougher on you but I couldn't do it nope not for penguins not today roll on part 2 roll on part two on part two so is that wet to your whistle it's sopping James. This was a bumper episode and there's even more bits of it that are going to show up on Patreon.

I bet those bits were high quality. They are going to be available to our Patreons on patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. Now I need a little bit of a lie down. You've worked very hard. So we are actually going to take a little break. We're going to have a week off. We're going to have a week off. You have a lie down. Put your feet up. Oh we're gonna have a week off we're gonna have a week off you have a lie down put your feet up oh i've got a week off and we'll come back in two weeks time

for japan part deux yes japan to the legend of curly's gold i always forget that one it's always So, James. Yeah? Declan Kennedy. Oh, yes. Who you know because you worked on his very good podcast called Singularities. Yes. Very fun, that. Really, really funny three-part faux documentary podcast.

Yes. We will probably put the link to somewhere. Declan has sent, I don't know how to describe this. It is a remix of part of last week's episode. Oh, wow. And I just thought I'd like to play that for you now. Yeah. Okay. Three, two, one. It's quite Rabby Bums focused. Oh.

I feel like I should warn listeners that I'm... This goes on for a full minute. This is the point where I start to feel a bit ill. Oh. Rubby bums. Oh, shit. I like it when your voice creeps in, James. rabby bums a masterpiece wow

definitely transcendent I think I entered a fugue state yeah yeah to me it sounds like you know the Malkovich Malkovich bit

where John Malkovich goes into his own mind. Yes. Like, it's Rabby Bums going into his own bum.