Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep34: Loremen S3 Ep34 - The Legend of Hampden Pye

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

Faringdon in Oxfordshire is a peculiar town. The folly comes with a health warning and the doves are painted neon colours. The most unsurprising thing about the place is that the graveyard has a ghost: the headless spectre of poor Hampden Pye. James spills the beans on how Hampden lost his head, when all about were keeping theirs. Also, it was very, very hot when we recorded and we are very, very English. So we moan about it. A lot. (Contains mild references to violence and suicide.) Loreboys nether say die! ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. It's another spooky one for me, Alistair. Yep. Also, the beginning of this podcast is the most quintessentially English thing ever. We start off by talking about the weather for ages, and then how we don't like or understand the French.

What story is it, James, that prompted such xenophobia on our part? It's the tale of Hamden Pie. It's hot in this cupboard. Are you wearing any clothes, James? Yes, but they are slick with sweat. Ah, how many? Standard amount of clothes. I don't want to move this towards lawmen late.

Oh. But I'm not naked, but I'm not wearing a lot of clothes. Just your long johns? Short johns. Ah, le petit john. Yeah. Flip, it's cold. I mean hot.

I said the wrong one. Yes. Like an android pretending to join in. Oh, yes. The temperature is certainly inconvenient. It's holiday hot all the time. Yeah, we've had to close all of the curtains so that the sun can't get into our flat. Yes.

Well, we've asked our sons to leave. It's like hot wind. When you get hot wind, that's unnerving. It's a nightmare, isn't it, the hot wind? I'm just thinking about having, like we've got some frozen oven chips and I'm just thinking about, can you eat them? Like they're basically cooked, aren't they?

Yeah. Could we just have ice chips? Have you had frozen peas? Do you eat frozen peas? No, but I've heard they're good for ducks. Well, they're great for children as well. You can have you had frozen peas do you eat frozen peas no but i've heard they're good for ducks well they're great for children as well you can give children some frozen peas it does make you feel like the worst father ever but they really like them and they're also quite good in this weather i'm gonna eat a frozen pea the minute recording finishes yeah do

it it's good if you've got the petit pois as well then that's even fancier fill up me petit jean with petit pois where one thing i that annoys me about. Fill up me petit gens with petit pois. Ouais. One thing that annoys me about France is the way, like if there's a mayor. Ouais. Who's a guy. Yeah. Instead of calling him the mayor, they call him Monsieur le Mayor. Ah.

Mr. the Mayor. It's ridiculous. How are you supposed to take him seriously? Monsieur le Mayor. Oh. It's Mr. the Mayor. That's absurd. It's like Germans with their Mr. Doctor.

Really? Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, Herr Doctor. Herr Doctor. Mr. Doctor. Just pick one. Mr. Doctor. Mr. Le Maire is dying.

It's ridiculous. Where? Don Le Maire. We need Señor the Coast Guard. Señor el Coast Guard. El Coast Guard. I think that's Spanish for custard. Le Garde Anglais, as they say in France.

Is that what they call a Coast Guard? No, it was a custard joke because they call it creme anglaise, don't they? They call custard creme anglaise? Yeah. Really? Yeah. That's our contribution to cuisine, is it? Custard.

Yeah, which is clearly a French word as well. This is all guessing. We're moving in the direction of a wholly guest-based podcast i think probably so would you like to hear my guesswork this week yeah have you got a story for me oh big time it's another oxfordshire story it's from a town called farringdon hey guess what up until the 70s it was in berkshire berkshire berkshire or berkshire berkshire berkshire or berkshire berkshire i think as in berkshire hunt i thought that's where berk came from yeah it is it doesn't really work but it is still berkshire you're berk yeah sorry bleep that now we've guessed what it means this is an oxford so in some of my books it comes under the oxfordshire section in other books

it comes under the berkshire because those books were published in the past. So when did Oxfordshire invade? I think it was in the 70s. Oh, right. I think it was a paperwork based invasion. But this is squarely in the Vale of the White Horse. What is the Vale of the White Horse? It's the name of an area of Oxfordshire. It's one of the official sections of Oxfordshire. Oh, it's a

great name. You might have seen, it's quite a stylised image of a horse made out of like three or four different strokes but it's on the side of a hill yes do you know the one i mean i think so yeah it looks a bit like it might be a logo for an olympics but prehistoric i'm trying to think of what the prehistoric olympics would be it's like shot put i guess with rocks yeah rock put javelin into a mammoth. You could have that. Yep, javelin mammoth.

So Farringdon the town, a couple of little facts about it. It's got a folly. Ooh! You love a folly. I love a folly. Can't get enough of them. Which is on top of Folly Hill. Nice.

What did you expect if you name a hill that? Exactly. Folly Hill was called Folly Hill before they put the folly on there, though. What? I was joking when I said that a second ago. I can't believe that. They built a folly hill before they put the folly on there though what i was joking when i said that a second ago i can't believe that they built a folly on folly hill one of the relations of the people i'll get to in this story planted a load of trees up there what is wrong with these people and he went on to become poet laureate so this is the guy you mentioned in last week's episode who is similar to charles goring of chancton Ring. I don't want to use the word fame. No, don't. I'm going to be talking about the pie family

and this was a later pie and he became poet laureate and inspired a poem. A pie poem. Everyone said he was the worst poet laureate even like his successor was like I might be bad but I'm not as bad as the last guy.

Imagine how awful it would be to be poet laureate and still have to say, hey, I might be bad, but I'm not as bad as the last guy. Imagine how awful it would be to be poet laureate and still have to say, hey, I might be bad. Yeah. I might be bad, but at least I'm not as bad as the last guy. They really want more stringent assessment. Yeah, you'd think being good at poetry would be the one category you'd need. At least that one, yeah. But he wasn't.

He was rubbish. I think, wait a minute, his poetry book is just called, like, Poems About Things or something? Let me find out the actual name. It's like, you're a poet, mate. Like, come up with a good title. I very much enjoyed that guesswork-based title for the book. What was it called?

Poems on Various Subjects. That is very weak. That's very poor. His successor was Robert Southie. The actual quote is, I have been rhyming as doggedly and dully as if my name had been Henry James Pye. Ooh. Which was the guy's name.

Ooh, burn. Self burn and pie burn. Uh-oh. The 20th century historian Lord Blake called Pye the worst poet laureate in English history, with the possible exception of Alfred Austin. I wouldn't want to be Austin around a mat now.

And he was the poet laureate after Tennyson. Hard act to follow, yeah. Alfred Lord Tennyson's a bit like Monsieur Le Maire, just say Lord Tennyson. Yeah, that Pi is rotten at poetry. Back to the town of Farringdon. It's given you a bit of local colour, which is what they do to the doves. They paint the doves bright colours. Is it like painting eggs, but they've just cut out the middleman? Paint the doves, roll

them down the hill. This guy that built this folly, Lord Burners, he was quite a character. Lord of cell phones. Very difficult to track down. There's an hilarious sign on the folly that's put up by Lord Burners saying, people committing suicide here do so at their own risk. It's very rare that you get a sign that could apply literally

anywhere. That is true everywhere. Apparently there are signs around the town saying please don't throw stones at this sign. I quite like him. I like this Burners guy. He built the folly to help relieve unemployment Because it was during the depression in 1935 That's quite nice

Yeah, I think that's nice of him I'd like him I'm not usually a fan of the aristocrats But Lord Burners sounds alright He sounds like a good guy Unfortunately, he is not the one we're talking about today We're talking about the pies, remember? Ah, flipping pies

Farringdon has a church farringdon church has a graveyard that graveyard has a ghost and that ghost has a head that's not on his head it's under his arm again and that is the ghost of hamden pie and that's what we're going to talk about today ham pie hamden pie yeah but for sure it would be ham pie maybe do they give all of their children food names uh no hamden he's named after his granddad friend of the show john hamden john hamden i recognize that name the parliamentarian from tame oh yeah that's john hamden so hamden he was the son of robert pie who was the son of robert pie bit of the james shakeshaft spirit there oh i spoke to my dad today

and I told him that he was in the podcast referred to as The Human Chesterfield. For some reason, he started telling me about all the supermarkets that are now in his town. And because he's from London, they're all plurals. So you've got Usain's Breeze. That's fine. That's the name.

Tesco's. Asda's. Costco's. Londis's. Londi. He even even he genuinely even said Iceland's

and well they've got they've got a Marks and Spencer food courts now as if the shop belongs to someone called

Marks and Spencer food court Marks and Spencer's Marks and Spencer's anyway yes so yeah you've got you've got a classic the Jimining situation Marks and Spencerses. Marks and Spencerses. Anyway, yes. So, yeah, you've got a classic The Jimining situation. So the original Sir Robert Pye was a royalist,

and then his son, Sir Robert Pye, was a parliamentarian. That's how you can tell them apart, the different hair. Yes. And they fell out massively. About what? Stuff. So Sir Robert Pye, he married John Hamden's daughter. Pye Jr., is this? Robert Pye Jr.? The parliamentarian one. But their son, Hamden, they had three children.

Ham and egg. Sweet, sweet cherry. It's Edmund and Richard were his brothers. So they're not really, they're not sort of your classic types of pie. Ed pie and dick pie. Oh, no, thanks. Anyway, Hamden, he was a carouser. His parents were very concerned about his well-being.

He was out all the time. He was drinking. He was gambling. He was having a lot of fun. Pie boys. Pie boys. Pie boys. That's my train seal again. having a lot of fun. Pew pew, pie boys! Pew pew, pie boys! Pew pew, pie boys! That's my train seal again.

I'm glad you've kept that. Yeah, so his parents were, they weren't happy. He further antagonised them by in secret marrying a barmaid and getting her pregnant. Presumably that was also in secret as well. In some reports his wicked stepmother arranged for him to be press ganged into the navy now farringdon is 55 miles from bristol so i'm not sure that the press gang i'm not sure their influence extended that far

yeah you'd feel like a little bonk on the head would probably wear off around about bristol parkway i didn't i did a bit of research into this whole press ganging thing though to see how prevalent it was and it seemed on the whole it was basically if you were a sailor and the navy decided they wanted you to be in the navy then they could force you to like you had to be good at sailing ships in order to get press ganged right so it wasn't just people off the street. No, unless there was a particular, like, there was a war on or something, and then the laws of hot press were allowed.

Oh, that sounds delicious. And that's what... Like a kind of cider. Although in Ireland, a hot press is a... That's an airing cupboard. What? Because a press is a cupboard in Ireland. Crazy stuff. Yeah, a press is a cupboard Crazy In Ireland Crazy stuff

Yeah, a press And another one of my favourite things That I've learned recently about Ireland When you go to the shops And you come back with stuff from the shops The stuff from the shops Is often referred to as the messages Really?

That's adorable He's brought the messages back And he's going to put them into He's putting the messages in the press He's after putting the messages in the press there sounds like he's leaking a story it's incredible in scotland uh a piece is a sandwich really so it'd be like have you had your piece by contrast with um los angeles where it would be a gun which is very dangerous potentially you don't want to just have them out at a funeral on the side.

Yeah. It's like if a gangster, if a crip asks you if you're carrying a piece but you've got a packed lunch. You don't want to be like, oh yeah, I'm packing. Egg and cress actually. So let's go. However it happened, whether it be through hot press or cold, Hamden Pie ended up on Admiral Sir George Roque's ship.

Ended up on the ship of Admiral Sir up on Admiral Sir George Roque's ship. Ended up on the ship of Admiral Sir George Monsieur Le Maire Roque's ship. Yes, the Coast Guard. No, it wasn't. It was a warship. The opposite of a Coast Guard. He poses a threat to the coast. Yes. They were taking part of the

War of Spanish Succession. It was basically a bunch of those Hapsburg, Ching and Lott were having a fight over who got to be the King of Spanish Succession. It was basically a bunch of those Hapsburg, Ching and Lott were having a fight over who got to be the King of Spain. But Hamden Pye, despite the fact that he'd been a carouser and you wouldn't have thought it, he really took to being on the ship. He did all right, apparently, according to a lot of accounts.

By the way, the main account I'm getting this from is from a poem from the ingoldsby legends oh that's a nice name is a nice name the ingoldsby legends were a sort of collected works supposedly written and published by thomas ingoldsby of tappington manor but it was actually the pen name of richard harris barham and theallsby legends, I posted a picture of them recently, the contents page, because the names of the chapters are just going to win me the naming round, frankly. All right, you sound confident. You've got the spectre of Tappington.

You've got the nurse's story colon, the hand of glory. Patty Morgan, the milkmaid's story, subtitle, look at the clock. Grey Dolphin, a legend of sheppy that sounds like it was written by patricia wilnecker that one aunt fanny a legend of a shirt a legend of a shirt not even the legend of the shirt it's a legend of asher imagine going down the cinema to see these aunt fanny a legend of a shirt misadventures at Margate, a legend of Jarvis' jetty Ooh, nice alliteration

Jerry Jarvis crops up again in Jerry Jarvis' wig A legend of the Weald of Kent Side note, that's actually what the JJ in JJ Abrams stands for The Legend of Hamilton Ty is his retelling of the story of The Legend of Hamden Pie Oh, so he's changed his name from Hamden Pie to Hamilton Ty is his retelling of the story of the legend of Hamden Pie. Oh, so he's changed his name from Hamden Pie to Hamilton Ty. I think it might be because Hamilton fits better into his rhyme scheme, and then he just had to pretend that he was changing the name, because everyone else's name is the same.

Like Admiral Sir George Roque, that's a real person. Hamden Pie, Hamilton Ty, was on Admiral Sir George Roque's ship and Admiral Sir George Roque had received a bit of communication from the evil stepmother of Hamden Pie. Are you sure it wasn't just an Irish person's job? He'd received the messages and that message was to

kill Hamden Pie. What? And Admiral Sir George Roque passed that task on to one of his most trusted men, it seems, Hairy Face Dick. Now, I googled Hairy Face Dick Sir George Roke passed that task on to one of his most trusted men it seems hairy-faced dick now I googled hairy-faced dick I'm not going to go on the internet ever again and what happened was Admiral Sir George Roke and hairy-faced dick conspired that when Hamden Pye was engaged in combat and was in the wrong place at the wrong time,

they blew his head off with a cannon. That's unsubstantial. They blew it clean off. I doubt it would have been clean. That's true. Pie filling all over the deck. And I'm going to refer to the poem now about what happened next. So the reason was the Wicked Stepmother had a child who she wanted to inherit.

So that's why she wanted to get rid of hamden pie this is the poetic retelling of the death a wink comes sly from that sinister eye hairy face dick at once lets fly and knocks off the head of young hamilton tie no more pie boys pie boys so yes she goes to the funeral in a coach alone. The lady steps into a coach alone. They hear her sigh and they hear her groan. They close the door and they turn the pin. But there's one rides with her that never slept in. Blah, blah, blah.

The groom wonders why the coach was... I assume it doesn't say blah, blah, blah. No, it's just a bit more poetry. You know my thoughts on poetry. Yep, yep, you've made that very clear. Yep. And the grooms and the footman wonder and say what makes the old coach so heavy today but the mealy-faced boy peeps in and sees

a man sitting there with his head on his knees oh the ghost of hamilton pie is haunting the mother i think this paints a rose-tinted image of what happens when your head gets hit with a cannon yeah it doesn't pop your head off like a Lego man. I'm not a ballistics expert, but I don't think that's what happens. It doesn't just, like Newton's cradle, replace your head

with a cannonball and your head pops off. With your hats spinning round. You go about your business for several days without anybody noticing until a magnet

sticks to your face. Sting in a spoon up to where your mouth was. Meanwhile, your head is lodged in a Spanish ship, apologising and asking for el custard. And they're bringing you more and more custard. To be honest, they're just collecting it when it falls out your neck and refeeding it to you. Disgusting.

Yes. But she's not the only one that's haunted by a Hamilton pie. Also, that Admiral Sir George Roque. Yep. We find him in the poem retired and living at bath as gray as a badger and as thin as a laugh sorry as thin as a what a laugh l-a-t-h it's got a rhyme with bath so it's a laugh what's a laugh then i don't know it's made up for the poem it's probably he's as with hamilton tie just change the name of a thing yeah fair play. It is a thin, flat strip of wood.

Joke's on me for not knowing that. Well, joke's on Admiral Sir George Rook, because he's trying to play whist, but he frets and he fumes, for all his knaves stand upside down and the jack of clubs does nothing but frown, and the kings and the aces and all the best trumps get into the hands of the other old frumps.

All the best trumps. While close to his partner partner a man he sees counting the tricks with his head on his knees oh it's old head knee pie you can imagine him holding the cards down can't you to where his head would be on his lap so he's also if they're playing on a glass table then he's seeing all their cards isn't he and of course let's not forget hairy face dick of course let's not forget him he's retired now he's holed up he's living with thirsty nan a lusty old woman named thirsty nan yeah that hairy face man is salowan one and his great thick pigtail is withered and gone that doesn't't rhyme. And he cries, take away that lovely chap that sits there and grins with his head on his lap.

Ooh. Yeah. Thirsty Nan, though. Yeah, Thirsty Nan. She's involved. That admiral lady and hairy-faced man may say what they please and may do what they can, but one thing seems remarkably clear. They may die tomorrow or live till next year year but wherever they live or whenever they die

they'll never get quit of young hamilton tie that's the poem retelling of it pretty good ending i think yeah and the truth of the matter i've done a little bit of research into the truth of the matter and that led me to a website called of royal descent the pie family it's written by a descendant of the pie family um pink floyd's road manager what pink floyd's road manager norman lawrence he's not actually a pie no he's no longer a pie he's a descendant of the pie family and he from the tone of this website he seems very annoyed at inglesby he's like uh yeah the years don't add up it's not spelt with a t for starters yeah and hamden pie uh never had a stepmother is uh the parents died within a year of each other so don't think that's true didn't even get the right century uh i can't believe the poet who

brought us thirsty fanny did less than accurate research thirsty nan not thirsty fanny sorry have i changed sorry nan have a drink and he he tries to clear up quite a few legends about the family that he thinks are wrong because you remember john hamden is the grandfather of hamden pie yes sir robert pie the son who married john hamden's daughter fought alongside john hamden at the Battle of Chalgrove, which is the battle where John Hamden received the wounds that would eventually kill him. It's long been rumoured that John Hamden died because the pistol he fired blew up in his hand and gave him such a bad injury and he later died in Tame just by the Waitrose. The Waitroses.

Sorry, the Waitroses. Opposite the co-ops. And it's long been rumoured that that gun was given to him by Sir Robert Pye. Oh, a set-up, you reckon? No, pure accident. Pure accident. Oh, all right. But Norman's done some exit research,

and Hamden was probably actually shot in the shoulder. It has nothing to do with a gun blown up in his hand. But the link he does link to is the website of a Civil War reenactment group and it's it's a yellow writing on a green background so of course it's a yellow writing i don't in times new roman on a green background yeah i don't i'm not sure yeah point 16 but who let facts get in the way of a good ghost story or any ghost story not us who let animated gifs get in the way of a good ghost story? Not us. Who let a visitor counter that hasn't changed since 2001

get in the way of a good ghost story? Not us. Who let a links page? Did you sign the guest book? Of course. I signed it. Jimmleton Psy. Yeah.

Jane Fakefarft. That's the story of Hamilton Pie. That's a cracking story. No, that's the story of Hamilton Pie That's a cracking story No that's the story of Hamden Pie Hamilton ties the poetic name of him But hairy faced dick I wonder if that was his real name Or if he was actually called like barely faced Rick

But that's actually probably what Hamilton Pie Ended up being called For those two days where he lived With a metal ball for a head Barely faced Rick over here Time for some scores huh You betcha for those two days where he lived with a metal ball for a head. Barely faced Rick over here. Time for some scores, huh? You betcha.

Yeah. You betcha, sweet can. Oi. Isn't a can a bum in American? Yeah, yeah, that's what I was... Isn't it also a toilet? Yeah. I'm just going to be on the can. Or are they talking about their bum?

They're going to say, I'm going to be on my bum. Like, as in I'm going for a number two. I think it's both. I think you sit on the can. With your can? You sit your can on the can. Right. Learn a new word, America.

Yeah, that's their favourite word. It's like that buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo. It is like that guy. I mean, that word sure does mean a lot of things. So anyway, the scores. Okay. Category one, supernatural. Category uno, supernatural. things yeah so anyway the scores okay category one supernatural category uno supernatural um i was about to say it's zero but i remembered that there were three manifestations of a ghost

four because apparently it knocks around the churchyard as well all right okay and an absolutely textbook ghost the head's on his lap so how if he stands up, it would tumble upon the floor. He puts it on his lap when he sits down, because you're not going to keep it under your arm. You know, when you go on the bus and you've got a bag, you don't keep it on your back when you sit down. You'd end up sitting all weirdly forward. You pop it on your lap for safekeeping, as you would. But when I'm walking around, I do carry it under my arm. That is true. keeping as you would but when i'm walking around i do carry it under my arm that is true as you would if you had been decapitated in a sea-based incident so he's just sitting there with on his

lap like an old lady on the bus with hold clutching a handbag for fear of thieves yeah just sort of probably you know gripping his ears or one hand under the chin i think it's a three because i don't i'm not accepting the one in the graveyard, because I feel like you've just dropped that in a bit late. There's three clear spooky hauntings in the poem, and those translate to a point apiece. A point apiece? A point apiece.

The wicked stepmother is plagued by this ghost, to be honest, numerous times, but I just gave you the highlight. Oh, all right, okay. The lady mutters and talks to the air air and her eye is fixed on an empty chair but the mealy-faced boy still whispers with dread she talks to a man with never a head. With never a head? We did used to have a head.

Yeah, that's not never, is it? Poetic license. But I don't accept that though because Pink Floyd's line manager, or whoever you said, has researched it and has found out that she didn't exist so that didn't happen. It's a tissue of lies. So it's three. It's a manager, or whoever you said, has researched it and has found out that she didn't exist, so that didn't happen. It's a tissue of lies. So it's three.

It's a good three. It's a strong three. The ghost was playing cards in one of them. What could be more spooky than that? Part two, naming. Category of the second names. Every conceivable name. Hamden Pie.

Hamilton Tie. Yep, he's got two names, both of them crackers. Hairy-faced Dick. Thirsty Nan. Lord Burners slipped in there. Lord Burner, yeah. All the chapter names from the Ingoldsby legends. There's ones I didn't even mention.

You've got The Honourable Mr Sucklethumpkin's Story. What a name. Subtitle. The Execution. Oh, that takes a turn execution oh that takes a turn it really takes a turn you got herman or the broken spear don't count that one that's not that's not great james it's five points just for mr suckle thumbkin yes it wasn't even in it nice it wasn't even in he swept in and it garnered you a five that's the thing with him it's all about the execution perfect dismount bravo mr suckle thumbkin the right honorable suckle thumbkin i i beg your pardon my liege uh so category category the third boom shake the room boom shake shake shake the

room shake shake shake shaft the room he had his head blown off. Boom. That is definitely a boom. That's a big boom. And his... The gun exploded. His granddad had his hand blown off. Or was shot in the shoulder. Or was shot in the shoulder.

Both very bangy situations. Exactly. And you've got Norman Lawrence, Pink Floyd's road manager. Yeah. He's blowing this S right open. He has really changed our preconceived ideas about Hamden Pie slash Hamilton Tie. I would argue, though, that none of these explosions

take place in a room. Oh, come along now. Allow me some Ingallsby poetic license. You may be good enough to become poet laureate, but you're not that good, James. It's a pretty low bar. It's not boom, shake, shake, shake the deck. It's not boom, shake, shake, shake the deck. It's not boom, shake, shake, shake a field during the Civil War.

You haven't given me a room. It's two. Sorry. I'm feeling good about this category, the final category. Pulling an Alistair. Pulling an ABK. Yeah, classic ABK. In what way?

By just telling a really good story with lots of research. Telling a great story with lots of research. Choosing it deliberately because it has loads of ridiculous names attached. Yes. Bit of poetry. Yeah, bit of poetry. You love a ballad. Bit of tree planting. Yeah. Oh, by the way, with that poet, I distracted myself from mocking the man so much.

The poem that he inspired was the bit from Four and Twenty Blackbirds Baked in a Pie. Oh, so that's about him. Yeah, apparently. Apparently so. And his name was Pie. His name was also Pie. And this is going to tip me over the edge with the pulling an Alistair. Whichever way you cut it, you're from the north.

Yep. What's more northern than pies? No, you're right. I love a pie. Loves a pie. Yeah, a nice a nice vegan pie homemade pastry very delicious would you make a hamden pie what with if it was like faux hamden yeah i'd give it a go i'd give it a try why not i'm open to it delicious hamden pie so that's five out of five it has to be thank you you said it was five out of five, right? Well, it's five out of five. It has to be. Thank you. You said it was five out of five before I even said it there.

Well, that's because it is five out of five. For pulling an Alistair. Obviously. No, you've done it, and now you no longer need me, James. You've learned everything. You've learned everything I have to teach you. It's for you now. I'm fading.

You're disappearing. I'm fading into the background. The final lesson. I was inside you all along. Oh. Yeah, twist. I was a ghost. Oh, what? This whole time I was a ghost. Oh. Oh. Yeah, twist. I was a ghost. Oh, what?

This whole time I was a ghost. Oh, that's a good twist, actually. I didn't see that coming. I should have, because the fact that you're almost see-through. Yep. I wouldn't have my head in my lap in this weather, though. I'd just pop it in the fridge. That would be good, wouldn't it?

Mm-hmm. We'd all want that now. The tale of Hamden Pie. What would it be in French? Jambon. Yeah, Tarte du Jambon. Sidebar, did some fact checking and Spanish for Coast Guard is Guardio Costa. That is what we said, isn't it? That is what you guessed.

Being Spanish is easier than it looks. If you want to support the mild xenophobia of our podcast, you can sling us a few quid on ko-fi.com forward slash lawmen. And you can actually watch us do the podcast live on the 30th of August. Yes, we're doing it again. At twitch.tv forward slash lawmen and you can actually watch us do the podcast live on the 30th of August yes we're doing it again at twitch.tv forward slash lawmen pod James sorry to do this to you

I just looked it up and the Spanish for Coast Guard is not Guardiocosta uh oh