Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep36: Loremen S3 Ep36 - Eleanor Morton - Major Weir, Edinburgh

Episode Date: September 3, 2020

Edinburgh's roll-call of villains is long, crooked and rotten. Like the worst banana. And Major Weir is one of the nastiest. Thomas Weir aka "Angelic Thomas" did not live up to that nickname, as you will soon discover. Eleanor Morton, Edinburgh native, comedian and mystery enthusiast, joined the Loremen livestream to get to the bottom of this devil of a fellow. Stay tuned after the credits to hear a horror story from James's real life. It is in the top three most disgusting stories he's told on the pod. Loreboys nether say die! ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @EleanorMorton

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And this episode was live-streamed at the end of August 2020. Normally we'd be spending August up in Edinburgh at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Edinburgh Fringe Festival. But we couldn't because of pesky Covid-19. So we decided to bring Edinburgh to us. Not literally. No, no, we haven't got that many spades. But we did manage to bring you a deputy lawperson and Edinburgh native, Eleanor Morton.

Enjoy. deputy lawperson and Edinburgh native, Eleanor Morton. Enjoy! Hello! Hey! Hello! How are you folks? Are you speaking to me and Eleanor? Are you speaking to the people of the chat, James? I was speaking to the people of the chat because I forgot that I couldn't hear them. And I sort of cocked my ear to listen as though I might hear it over the rooftops.

Yeah, I really enjoyed the ear cock. Yeah, I regret that phrase. Yes. Normally we like to secretively introduce our deputy law people, but the secret is out. It's Eleanor. It's Eleanor Morton. Hello, Eleanor. Hello.

Hi, guys. Hiya. How's it going? Who I referred to when we were promoting this as my hair doppelganger. I think you and I probably both had the experience of scrolling past each other's promotional comedy photographs and thinking, I don't remember having that picture taken. Constantly.

I'm looking great in this picture that's what i think perhaps it's you're looking at it going i don't remember being that weathered yeah that's definitely what i think i what i always think where how did my hair get so luxuriant or is that a picture of my sister or is that a picture of my mom and uh it's never it's always you so the curse i just look like all white men comedians so whenever i see anyone's promotional material i would like i don't i don't remember still gigging having red hair is like being white extra to the max white but but with a bit of spice a bit more interesting i look forward to when i start to get gray in my beard i'm going to refer

to it you know people say salt and pepper. I'm going to say salt and paprika. Oh, lovely. That's nice. I think it's going to be quite annoying after a while. Oh, yeah. I'm not going to stop doing it. We've got some responses to James's question of how is everyone in the chat,

and they are well. It is apparently 100 degrees in America, which sounds unreasonable, but you know what they're like over there. They're hot. They go large. That's 38 degrees centigrade, which is still... That's disgusting. I don't like that, and I never will.

And there's some support for salt and paprika, so I was vindicated. That is a good phrase. We've received some emails from people. Have we? And a great one from Emily O'Shea. I think we've spoken to her before. We have, yes.

She has a child and that child has a double crown. I've got a double crown. Do you? Because she's moved to near Chipping Norton, which is my hometown, round these parts, apparently, I didn't know this, they say, double crown, never drown. Wow.

So, Eleanor, have you drowned? I did fall in a well as a child, but I'm still alive, so... What? Were you, like, on the news? No, it was just in someone's garden, and it wasn't, like, a fairy book well with a nice little roof and a bucket. It was just a square of water on the ground, so I sort of fell in like a watery hole,

but it's technically a well. You're like the Hyacinth bouquet of Nearly Drowning. Like, it's technically a well! Mr. Jay Hardacre is asking, how old slash rich is Eleanor that she grew up well adjacent? Oh, yeah. No, this is a family friend's garden somewhere in England. Oh, a posh english well

even more sophisticated it wasn't it was a nice garden though it's a very nice garden and i got i got some chocolate afterwards for uh you know nearly dying so pretty good day all around do you remember what sort of chocolate or was it just generic yeah i did because it was um god i this is really sad that i remember that it was um celebrations mini snickers which i wasn't actually even that fond of, but we didn't really get sweets at home. Not in a tragic way. They're just, my parents were very healthy.

It sounds like you only got sweets in tragic situations, like near drownings. They saved the Celebrations for not dying. It seems completely inappropriate. Although TK2000 has suggested Wellabrations, which is pretty good. Wellibrations, nice, yes. Lovely stuff. I like to think I peaked at that moment.

You mentioned that that happened in England because you are a sort of stealth Scottish person. Is that fair to say? Yeah, I'm from Edinburgh. Look at her. That's not stealth. I always have to put a disclaimer on this. My parents are all scottish my parents were brought up in england but i was brought up in scotland so none of my family are english but i got this accent people took the out of at school so there's no upsides really

it's like listening into a scottish girl mirror of my experience of growing up as well you can't talk like this and wear a waistcoat without make people making assumptions about you did you wear waistcoats as a teen alistair or what was the point what was the point my first experience for wearing a waistcoat was in scotland of course in argyle at a family wedding i was put in a pair of green denim jeans green and a green waistcoat and i looked like a tiny magician. And I loved it so much that I have recreated that look for every comedy publicity still. If it ain't broke. It sounds, if you had a green denim trousers and a green denim top, it sounds like you

would look like you're wearing green dungarees. You look like a tiny mechanic. I look like a little member of the fairy folk. It was adorable. Did you fix people's shoes? My mum told me I could only wear, there was redheads can only wear like four colours, light green, dark green, khaki and a sort of brown. So for my whole teenage years, that's the only colour palette, sort of camouflage colours.

Yeah, that's the same colour palette as the British Army, isn't it? Yeah, to hide away from people. James, you look like you're in an evidence locker in the local police station. What is it? It's my shed. I'm in my shed. Ah, okay.

We could pivot to true crime. That's way more lucrative than folklore. Let's just pivot. You've got a couple of fingers in there, some DNA samples. Yeah, I'm in my shed. Standard shed accoutrements. Have you got a story for me, James? Yes.

And I've got some Edinburgh stories. Edinburgh stuff. Are you ready? I am ready, yeah. For the story of Major Weir. Yes. He puts the Major Weir into majorly weird story. Very good.

Thank you. Yeah, this is a little description of him. So he lived in the 17th century. I'm very envious of people that just know whether to say what century. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like 17th century as in referring to the 1600s. 1600, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I edit the podcast, James, so I know that you say it wrong every time and I edit it out so that you say it correctly every time. So I'm well aware that you have this. That's why you got me to count that time into the microphone. To 2000. So this is from the description of him of the time. His garb was still a cloak and somewhat dark

and he never went without his staff he was a tall black man and ordinarily looked down to the ground a grim countenance and a big nose oh oh okay rude just little burn at the end about his big nose so his cloak was of old fashion apparently for the time and his staff had a little carving of a human head at the top we've all got one of those in edinburgh we've all got one of those yeah but that's all harry potter based stuff now isn't it oh don't you get me started on the impact of harry potter tourism on edinburgh because i will elena are you a huge fan of the impact of harry potter on tourism in edinburgh no alistair no um anyhow yeah i'm good no this guy, he was a very devout man.

He was a soldier and he lived on the West Bow in Edinburgh, which is that, if you know Edinburgh from Edinburgh festivals, which I do, it's from Grassmarket up to the Royal Mile. It's that sort of windy road. Victoria Place, yeah. Oh, Victoria Place, yeah, the curving road near Espionage. Yes. Even if you haven't been to Edinburgh,

you might have seen it on Instagram because it's a very Instagrammable, charming little street full of little shops and things. Yeah. I think there's only three Harry Potter shops on that street. Well, you know, the council have made it now that you have to have minimum three Harry Potter shops on every street, so... Also, James, I like the way you think

that those streets are only called Grassmarket and the Royal Mile during the Fringe when London folk come up. And at other times, locals just have to point. Fair dues. It doesn't exist out with the Fringe. We all just sort of stand on a field. But we were on the West Bow.

Yes, that's where he lived with his sister, Jean, or Grizzel. So is Grizzel a nickname, or do they not know? Is that a rap name, maybe? Sounds like a Wu-Tang Clan member's name the grizzle grizzle sounds like either a new dating app or a new some kind of app for finding authentically made meat meat yeah or like bearded men like if it's g-r-i-Z-L. Grizzled, yes. Oh, yeah, like a bear map. Yeah, I can see it. Trademarking that. So in 1649, this guy, Major Weir, was the commander of the city guard. He oversaw the execution of the Marquess of Montrose,

the Marquis of Montrose. The Marquis? The Marquess. Marquess is correct. Marquess in Britain. He's not a tent. He was not a tent. He was not a tent. And according to all reports, Major Weir was very rude to Montrose

before he was executed. Very rude indeed. Literally adding insult to injury. Yeah. But the famous thing about Weir up before 1670 was that he was incredibly religious. I've written here, I'm going to read it verbatim. He could do really good prayers.

It says that in a book, he could do really good prayers. No, I'd written that down thinking that I might sort of rewrite it into better words. He could do really good prayers and he could improvise. He would improvise them with like this beautiful look on his face and he'd lean on his special staff. He earned the nickname Angelic Thomas or the Bowhead Saint. All right.

Nice. But in 1670, he fell ill and it seemed like he was dying. And he called the Lord Provost. I've only seen that word written down as well. Is that how you say it? Provost? Provost, yeah. I think so. Yeah, it's like the mayor yes and he confessed he confessed to some crimes to this guy

and the crimes were of such an unspeakable nature the provost thought he was crazy and he was not going to arrest him he just thought these are the ravings of someone who's got fever and he's talking nonsense but he insisted that he'd done these things and then grizzle confessed to being his accomplice and that they got on up to all sorts sorcery bestiality witchcraft incest incest yeah the worst one yeah wow that is quite the rap sheet. She said that a devil came in a flaming carriage and drove them to Dalkeith. I either had not heard that bit or I don't remember it, but that is very funny because I've been to Dalkeith and it is definitely where the devil lives, 100%.

At the time, it had one of Scotland's largest markets and an exceptionally broad high street. You know what? It's a lovely little... It's near where my parents live, actually. Check it out, guys. Tell them to look out for incest, because there's a lot of it about.

Oh, boy. Dalkeith. And the sister said that this stick, the staff, was the source of his power and that it could do things. It could do things. It could go to the shops for him and answer the door. Get the messages.

Yeah, he could take in the messages. It's like an Alexa. Can I just say that if I saw my name in the book and, you know, sold my soul and I was into all that, and the devil took me to Dalkeith, you'd ask for your money back, wouldn't you? I think so. Paris, LA. Somewhere with a tourist sort of nightlife.

Dalkeith. Dalkeith. Falkirk. You're already in Edinburgh. It doesn't get better than that. Hey, what about Glasgow? Glasgow's cooler. Oh, we can't go into that now.

We can't go into that. No, I'm kidding. By the way, I forgot to mention, the guy was so renowned for his piety that one time a woman said she'd seen him committing a crime and she was flogged for obviously lying. Wow. Dark.

Wow. And apparently the terms of that pact with the devil that was, I guess, signed in Dalkeith, was that he was promised that his only weakness would be a single burn. Oh. A burn as in like a... I don't know if it was like a, yeah, like a smackdown. He didn't know either because he was once introduced to someone

whose name was Burn and he recoiled in horror. Oh, that's a very, that's a nice sort of fairytale way of getting, you know, when the devil says, oh, just a burn, but then it's a person and he's got a really big sword. It's very Shakespeare. Yeah. Spoiler, he did get burned in the end several people in chat are suggesting that big nose uh was the unexpected big nose

that was the burn that keeps him away we have to always every description mentions that for no reason so i think maybe that is the way that you keep his ghost away i like the way you said he signed for the devil in dalkeith as if he was taken there and then still decided to go along with it. He was like, well, it can't get worse than this. Jesus Christ, give me the pen. How wide's this high street? Okay, bring me the papers. So he was arrested, and whilst he was in the jail, in the toll booth?

So this is where the mile is now, the high street. Yes. And the building was in the middle of it, next to St Giles. Yes, it was where prisoners were held all prisoners famous ones normal ones it was a small city apparently you spit on it the that yes and you know what bad luck i always i always do partly just because it grosses out tourists but the other day i actually had to stop myself and I was like, oh, no, we are in a pandemic. I probably should not do that. And so he kept confessing to more and more crimes, more and more depraved acts. And the people there were urging him to like, when he was confessing, why not pray for repentance?

And he would literally scream. I'm going to have to do my Scottish accent here. And I think I'm the, of the three of us, I'm the least least qualified the only accent i could do is that of a little old lady as well so i've got my finger on the mute button eleanor um i'm just i'm ready to i'm ready to cut james out of the stream altogether let's see how this goes james oh torment me no more i'm tormented enough already that's what he'd scream very morningside he insisted he was guilty and in the end he was sentenced to be strangled and burnt which was the standard practice for witches that's how they did it yeah first one then the other i should help otherwise the strangler is in a very

tricky situation this was at gallowley which is between edinburgh and leaf okay it's a bit near the you know where the imax is and then a bit down on leaf walk on leaf walk near one of the vape shops in between the harry potter shops and the vape shop and the harry potter vape shops vaporium smell steamium i don't i don't i've not i don't know Harry Potter very well And even up to the last we refuse to Pray for forgiveness Here's another quote Let me alone I will not

I've lived as a beast and I must die as a beast I will not I will not Imagine committing incest with that accent Would you fancy A wee spot of incest later that accent Would you fancy A wee spot of incest later on If it's not too busy I have scones

It's Jean Brodie isn't it It's Maggie Smith as Professor McGonagall Yes the crimes of Miss Jean Brodie Potter what are you doing out of bedrooms When we're doing the incest in corridors Go away with your magic blanket. It's inappropriate. Did you say earlier that he was on his deathbed?

It was believed he was so ill that they thought he was on his deathbed, but it turned out to be his deathbed, I guess. OK, but then he got better and kept saying all this stuff. Oh, he kept saying it, yes, for some time. Oh. Insisted on it. He insisted on it. And they threw his stick into the fire as well,

and apparently it gave rare turnings, and they both took quite a long time to burn. Oh, spooky stick. It was probably raining. It's Edinburgh. What about the sister? And Grizzle was executed on Grassmarket, and just as she was about to be hanged she tore her clothes

off and said oh shame me to the end shame me to the end she said yes and she was how old quite well he was 70 ish elderly lady 69 70 so she would have been 60s, probably. Probably younger sister, I'm guessing. So it's perhaps not quite as sexy a story as it initially sounded. You know what? I mean, women of a certain age screaming and taking their clothes off in the grass market still occurs every weekend in Edinburgh. And during the fringe, anything you can do to get people in, to get people's attention, who can blame people?

Oh, God. So they both got killed, executed. Yeah. But the house was still there on West Bow and it was haunted AF. Oh, yeah, it was. That's the house. It doesn't look not haunted. You can see all the bits with where the Harry Potter shops are today.

There's one there, there's one there, there's one there. So when he was arrested, they found bundles of coins wrapped in rags and a bit of that rag was thrown onto the fire and it went off like a firework and it sounded like a cannon had gone off which that's pretty that seems as somebody who only goes to edinburgh for one month a year in august cannon seems to go off every night well every day at one every day at one the one o'clock gun is that every single day not just in august not just to keep the english on their toes every day every day of the week all day all year and uh you get used to it i mean we've got watches now we really don't need it but um they still they insist i think there's no more annoying category of people than town criers and people who do those

hourly or daily announcements are all as well. Yes. Just tell me when things are not well. Yeah. Don't ring a bell at 1am to tell me that nothing has happened. Yeah, it sounds like you're trying to hide something. That's true.

Yeah, it's suspicious to go ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Everything is absolutely fine. Boom, giant cannon, 1pm, everything's normal. What? Do the cannon if there's a problem. Maybe it's sort of saying it's nice to not just have bad news all the time. You don't want to be doom-scrolling through your town-crying. Yeah, tell me about it.

You want to hear something nice, a little uplifting. Maybe they should just describe a cat doing something cute instead. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Seven times this celebrity was the person we need right now. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Seven times this celebrity was the person we need right now. Ding, ding. Beer Knitter has dropped in a wonderful little mini anecdote. Apparently, I don't know which town this is, but they had two town criers,

and the first one didn't want to retire, so he rang his bell whenever the new one was trying to give the news. That is petty. Confirming my belief that town criers are just the worst. Oh, man. Did he sort of, when the other person did, he's like, ding, ding, ding, ding, here ye, here ye, and then he'd finish saying it and the other would go, ding, ding, ding,

yep. Just like BBC News 24 plus one, just doing the same thing slightly later. Yes, exactly. Just to round off the town crier story, the old town crier died, sorted. Thank you, Beer Knitter. Did the new town crier have to give that news

or was it kind of obvious from the silence? I assume he died mid-ding, ding, ding, ding. Doing what he loved, annoying everyone. Ding-ding-ding-ding. Does anyone else's left arm feel fizzy? Ding-ding-ding-ding. So in that house, on a few nights before Major Weir made his confession, a passerby saw women at the windows clapping, laughing and shouting.

And a woman, twice mortal stature, rose up from the street and headed towards the house. That's a big woman. Oh my God. And she was giving off what is described as unmeasurable laughter. Immeasurable laughter. Yeah. That reads like a five. And she went into an alley and it was full of laughing people

all with flaming torches and the witness ran away she was terrified yeah wow incredible now unsurprisingly major weir's house was deserted for a hundred years by humans but his silent shadow was seen lurking around the street on the west bow and occasionally it was seen on a headless horse why not riding around and there'd be lights coming from the house light strange sounds dancing howling and the sound of spinning of thread because grizzle apparently had been taught how to spin thread magically by a demon or something terrifying and in the early hours you'd hear a coach rattling up and down the street roaring up and down the street and people said that it was the devil picking them up from they just had like a sort of a like a day trip out from hell to their old house and then he'd come and get them in the

morning atmospheric it's nice they got a lift yeah swing by dalkeith sounds great yeah go to the big market if you know edinburgh taxis you'll, they're very expensive, so you'd be very grateful for that. I can't believe there are taxis. It takes half an hour to walk... Well, it takes an hour to walk everywhere in Edinburgh, but only because the streets are all backwards and connected up wrong. It's like an MC Escher basket. It's like the video game Portal.

Well, one of the famous things about this guy's house was that if you were walking up the stairs, it felt like you were walking down the stairs. What? What? That's what lots of people... Creepy. There was such a bewitchment on his house that if you walked up the stairs,

it felt like you were walking downstairs and it was very confusing. Like the Winchester Mansion or something kind of built wrong. Yes, it ain't right. His ghostly staff would apparently parade around the house. If kids were brave enough to peek in there at night they'd see his staff. I don't think

a pogoing staff is an intimidating thing. Like, it's not... Oh no! Yeah, it's too cute. It's adorable. I'm not afraid of that movement. There was a little face on the top though. It might adorable. I'm not afraid of that movement. There was a little face on the top, though. It might have been... Scowling, probably, yeah.

Looking angry. Yeah. You don't get many ghosts of inanimate objects, do you? That's pretty... We have had... I'm sure we've had a ghostly inanimate object before on the podcast, but this is the second... Only the second one.

Yeah. First ghostly staff, certainly. Yeah. The chat has just reminded us the last haunted object we had was Mr Lee's chest. The haunted chest. Yeah, first ghostly staff, certainly. Yeah. The chat has just reminded us the last haunted object we had was Mr Lee's chest. The haunted chest. Oh, great. The chest. Yes. But was it...

Thank you very much. Was it the ghost of a chest? I think it was an enchanted chest. I'm being so pedantic, but the stick got burnt. I think you're right. I think you're onto something there. Yeah, you're right. It's the first actual ghost of an object. Yeah, and that's what I like being right they finally found a tenant for this house after almost 100 years it was a former soldier an adventurer william petullo and his wife and they didn't have much money blown all

his soldier money on adventuring evidently and they only lived in the house for one night do you mean that they died the next day or that they moved out oh no something weird happened they went to bed and they lay awake because they knew the reputation obviously it had been a hundred years and they were a bit scared and then a weird ethereal light came out and came went got turned on i don't know probably a dimmer switch isn't, for those sort of things. And they were led in bed and through the door of their bedroom, like literally through the door, not like opening it, just came through the door, came a calf with no head.

What? Wow. And it came up to the end of their bed and led its front legs on the end of their bed and stared at them. Oh, how can it stare with no head? Yeah. Don't say yeah. I don't know.

I guess that does beg the question, how low would the rent have to be for you to not move out if that happened to you? Because I think I could stick it out. And the thing is, during the fringe, there are so many worse things that can creep into your room at night. And stare at you. Yeah, at least a headless goat's not going to be there

scrolling chortle on its phone, complaining. Oh, it was a headless calf. It was a headless cow, not goat. I don't know if that's better or worse. Oh, sorry, I don't know my quadrupedal animals. And then it just wandered off after a bit. It's creepy. The building was finally demolished in 1878,

and some say part of it is the quaker meeting hall i've been there and some others say it's probably a me i say it's probably a harry potter shop um that is inevitable and apparently he the tapping of his stick is still heard on grass market and grizzel grizzles fire blackened face is seen. Terrifying. Lizzie points out that cows can walk upstairs but not downstairs. As James has already established, the stairs work both ways. They've got a sort of escalator system.

It's not like in Marks & Spencers where there's an escalator up and then you have to walk down on the stairs out because they want you to stay in Marks & Spencers for the rest of your life out of laziness. It's not practical. It's not like that. That's capitalism. Let's do some scores.

As an Englishman of Scottish heritage, I feel best placed to judge Edinburgh and its denizens. So go ahead. What's your first category? Supernatural. We're going large. It's an excessively supernatural story. Well, you've got a magic pogo stick staff.

You've got Dalkeith. Oh, the devil's magic. Yeah, the devil. He's supernatural in himself. Haunted house. Big woman. You've got a haunted house. A giant woman.

Judging by the average height of Scottish women, one that was twice as tall would have been at least 5'8", so that's very impressive. Really scary. It's an excessively supernatural story. I'm not going to beat around the bush. It's a 5 out of 5 for supernatural. Yes, rightly so. Nice work. Okay. Names. Names. We've got some good ones. We've got the original

Major Tom. What else? Grizzle. Grizzle. Grizzle's a great name. I think that alone deserves many points. We've got Angelic Thomas. The Bowhead Saint. Hey, we've got my major we're majorly weird joke. That was very good, yeah. I might take points away.

Yeah, I'm not sure how many points you think you're getting for that. I think it is a four out of five. Fair enough. I take that. I think the reason it's not five is that Edinburgh is... Every single street is called, like, Tiddly Pop Street or Bingle Bang Wind. I was born on Bingle Bang Wind.

That's crazy. You bring that up. All the tiny three-foot-tall women scurrying around Bingle Bang Wind, people chucking poo out of the windows. What a town. What a town. What a town it is. So it's a four out of five for names. Excellent.

Next category, useful magic. Going to Dalkeith, you mean? Yeah, taxi. The sort of original Uber. It cost you about 30 quid today. Then it was just your soul. That's pretty pricey. His stick could go shopping for him.

Yes, that's very useful. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Oh, yeah. And it would just your soul. That's pretty pricey. His stick could go shopping for him. Yes, that's very useful. Oh, yeah. I forgot about... Oh, yeah. And it would answer the door. Yeah, like a little button. Yeah. And during lockdown, for social distancing reasons,

that would be advantageous. Perfect. Exactly. And when he was walking down the street, apparently it would clear a path for him. I don't know how they didn't notice he was a wrong man. How did they not notice he was a wizard if he had a magic stick that went to the shops maybe they thought he was a performance

artist i guess that's why he had to confess because he was getting more and more obvious about it he had a magic stick going to the shops running errands for him and nobody was calling him out until eventually he just had to say hey i'm a i. Guys, I'm a wizard. And even then they were like, yeah, yeah. No, really, I am a wizard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. TK2000 says, any magic that results in you ending up in Dalkeith deserves negative points.

Thank you for backing me up on that. Another Dalkeith slam. He had the downstairs going up, the upstairs going... That's magic, yeah. Is that useful, though? That might be useful. Wilson Deluxe speaks very much from my heart.

He says, this feels like a three out of five at most. I agree with you, Wilson. A three out of five. Very good. So what's the next category? Final category, bizarre endings. And there's a lot to this. It was a bizarre ending for Major Weir, for his life.

Yeah, yeah. The whole thing is... There was that cow at Weir, for his life. Yeah, yeah. The whole thing is... There was that cow at the end for no reason. None of us were expecting a last-minute ghost cow with no head. The worst thing about a ghost cow with no head coming through the door is for the first few minutes of it, you don't know it's come through because it hasn't got a head. It's only as the stump emerges that you realise something's up.

Oh. Yes. Very good point. I fear that actually a headless cow is a bizarre beginning rather than a bizarre end. But every end is a beginning and other things that you can say

in movie trailers that don't mean anything. And to me the whole thing feels like an Edinburgh show where you have that three quarter way through lag and you need to sort of spice it up. And this just went nuts by talking about sorcery and bestiality and just chucking that all in at the end.

Yeah. By all means, wake people up, but not with incest. I'm going to say it's five out of five because I actually think it's not. But it would be weirder if I gave it five out of five. Well, I don't actually think you've argued the case that wellirder if i gave it five out of five well i don't actually think you've argued the case that well so i'm giving it five out of five because that in itself is a bizarre ending oh that's nice thank you how'd you like them apples an item of food that nobody ever

eats during the edinburgh fringe uh eleanor is there anything you would like to plug because you are um you are a podcaster and uh and comedian and human in your own right. I am a human. I am a human being. Yeah, I do a podcast with John Rain and David Reed of the Penny Dreadfuls fame. It's called All Rather Mysterious. And that is just us talking about random mysteries. And my sister and her friend also have a podcast about folklore called grave histories

which is not as comedy as you guys because they're both nerdy academics but if you like a very thorough look into that i recommend that for heavy research i don't know if our listeners are going to have any tolerance for nerds there's quite a lot of jocks in in our fan base a lot of jocks in the in the stream chat i know there's a lot of alpha males isn't it it's a lot. A lot of jocks in the stream chat at the moment. I know, there's a lot of alpha males, isn't there? It's a lot of chads. Burly, burly people. Yeah. They'd only download that podcast to kick sand in its face.

Thank you very much to everyone for joining us. It's been really fun. Yeah, thanks. We don't actually have a sign-off, so I'm going to go with stay cool, everyone. Does that sound alright? Oh, yeah. Law boys never say die. Oh, we'll just end with law boys, shall we? Law boys!

Hooray! Okay. You have been listening to lawmen with me alistair beckett king and me james sheik shaft if you've enjoyed any of the content we have been shoveling in your direction during these trying times you can say thank you by going to ko-fi.com forward slash lawmen and giving us a little bit of your hard earned it's just numbers it's not really real is it if you can't see the coins it's just numbers so you can write the biggest number and stay tuned when the music stops for a horror story uh where horror means horrible yeah it is a really horrible story it is grim Can I tell you about something horrific that happened to me the other day?

Yeah. That happened to my house the other day. Yes, please. It's terrifying. So it was just after the hot bit. You know, we had that hot bit. Oh, we did. And then it got a bit wet for a bit, and then it was hot and wet for a bit.

Not as fun as it sounds. Oh, we did. And then it got a bit wet for a bit, and then it was hot and wet for a bit. Not as fun as it sounds. Oh, God, no. My wife and I stayed up late, had a bit of a booze, as you do in the lockdown times, and went to go to bed, and on the back of our house, we've got, like, French doors, and they were covered

with maggots. Oh, what? Yeah. Crawling all up. How can a door be covered with maggots? Like, vertically up how can a door be covered with like vertically yeah like all the glass all the way up they can climb it seems what yeah they can climb because they were all the way up the door oh my god and it was like a lot these are like door size doors standard door size you could say okay i'm picturing it i'm picturing it yeah yeah i was imagining a little tiny door that an elf might use but now now I realise it was a human-sized door-sized door. Human-sized door.

Maggots. And they were all up the outside, and you could see them undulating up the window. And I was horrified and sickened, and then I realised quite a few of those maggots were on the inside of the window. They're coming through the glass. Through the glass? The maggots are coming the inside of the window they're coming through the glass through the glass how

can the maggots are coming from inside the house i'd lock myself in with the maggots and did you find out what happened like why well we have a baby that does poos you got one of those ones bad luck yeah we thought it was just a phase and then it was past the warranty so we had to keep it um so we put those you know, that's collected in a nappy, that nappy's wrapped up, sometimes put in a bag, but sometimes if you're in a rush, I mean, the pooey ones are almost always in a bag, hoid in the bin.

We also have a cat that sometimes kills mice and I've been putting them in the bin. And then you smear the bin on your window. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't everyone? By bin, I mean window. Exterior of house. Emily O'Shea, in the comments of Emily O'Shea,

mentioned earlier in the podcast fame, says, this is rivaling the dog vomit story. So, James. Yeah, it was horrible. Well done. It was a horrible experience. That is as good as one of your classic poo-based stories.