Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep37: Loremen S3 Ep37 - Yuriko Kotani - The Kappa

Episode Date: September 10, 2020

Yuriko Kontani joins the Loreboys to talk about the Kappa - a quirky Japanese river-monster with some nasty appetites. Webbed hands and a bowl on its head are the least of your worries.In spite of our best efforts, this episode contains much talk of bottoms, bumholes and farts. So if you're listening with kids, be warned that they're going to love it. Loreboys nether say die! ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @YurikoComedy

Shop with Rakuten and you'll get it. What's it? It's the best deal, the highest cash back, the most savings on your shopping. So join Rakuten and start getting cash back at Sephora, Old Navy, Expedia, and other stores you love. You can even stack sales on top of cash back. Just start your shopping with Rakuten to save money at over 750 stores. Join for free at rakuten.ca or get the Rakuten app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King.

And this week, Alistair, we've got an international myth with Yuriko Katani. Ah, returning guest lawperson Yuriko Katani. Oh yeah, all the way from Japan. You remember the first time you heard about those little fish that would swim up your wee? I do remember. This is the sort of monster that's going to make you rethink going in a river. Yeah, I was just thinking about going in a river. Oh, don't listen to this first.

This will make you rethink it. Okay. That's a weird way of introducing the story, but... Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Let's hear it then. Hello Alistair. Hello James. How are you doing? I'm doing very well, thank you.

Very good. We've got a returning guest law person again. Returning? Yeah. Who is it? It's none other than, well it is, this is who it is, it's Yuriko Katani. Hellourning. Yeah. Who is it? It's none other than, well, it is. This is who it is. It's Yuriko Katani. Hello, Yuriko.

Hi, Alistair. Hi, James. How are you? I'm good. We've got some excellent folklore to talk to you about. We've been in cahoots. What? Me and Yuriko.

We've been scheming to bring you... Of all the things to be in. I know. Cahoots? I never suspected. Hey, has there ever been a restaurant chain called Cahoots? There should be. We were in Cahoots for lunch.

No, wouldn't work. Wouldn't work. But yeah, we've got a tale for you. Have you ever heard of Kappa? Yes. We had Kappa tracky bottoms, very popular among my peers. People would run up and it was called kegging because the elastic was quite loose. And so if you pulled at the knee point, you could just pull someone's tracky bottoms earthwards resulting

in hilarity revealing the kegs yeah so is kappa a type of pant or pantaloon oh god no not at all not at all you said that so seriously no i didn't come on your podcast to talk about pants, Alistair. Yes. No way, man. But I know kappa. It was popular, wasn't it? Two people sitting on the floor facing the other way around. That's the logo. Yes, that's the logo.

And the kappa I am going to talk about today is nothing to do with those kappa. It's mystical creatures that live in Japan. They could be in rivers or swamps, any wet somewhere like water. Yeah. Freshwater tend to be, though, a freshwater beast. A freshwater mythical beast, rather. Oh, that's right. A choosy little beast.

Mmm. Oh, no, too salty. No, thank you. No, thank you. That's Rhys Shearsmith playing the capper there. No, no, thank you. Too salty. Take it away. Take it away. I am not for brine. Thank you. So can you imagine how they look like? No. No. No.

No. Not with the current information, no, I can't. I'm now imagining Reece Shearsmith. Let me explain. So kappa is a shape of a human kid. And then they could be green or red. And they've got a big shell on their back. Like a Koopa Troopa?

Yes, like a Koopa. Come on, that's the only thing I know about Japanese culture. Please give me some credit. Mainly Mario. It's mainly Mario, yeah. And they got web hands. And not just that, they got beak. Beak?

Yes. They got a plate on their head. A plate? Yes. On their head? Yeah, on their head. Like a ceramic, like a por plate on their head. A plate? Yes. On their head? Yeah, on their head. Like a ceramic, like a porcelain ceramic plate. It's more a divot in the top of their head than an actual physical bowl.

Like a child's homemade ashtray. It's just really a bit of clay that's been pressed to have a hole in it. Yeah, but the top of a head. A child-sized humanoid turtle. With beak. With a beak, all right. With a beak. They got shelled backs,

webbed hands, beaked face, and plaited heads. Yes. I mean, it's a nightmare for classification. They're a... What's the word? Chimera. They got it all. I know. You want beaks? We got beaks. You want bowls? Yeah, they got everything. Like a tiny waiter. Yep. Yes. Yep,

that's right. Tiny waiter in the river. It's one of my favourite Japanese animes, tiny waiter in the river. Also, they use the phrase Japanese anime there, somewhat redundant. So this plate, you have to be careful. They have to be careful because if their plate gets dry, they become weakened. The dish is full of water from their river that they live in. Oh, these sort of child-sized turtles with beaks. I didn't imagine them being super strong to begin with. Oh.

Are they strong? Oh, they are very strong. Yes, very strong. I'm sorry, I clearly haven't been taking them seriously up until this point. Because their favourite sport is sumo wrestling. Sumo wrestling. Yes. They're not a bit small for sumo wrestling i know that

sumo wrestlers are just giant child babies that's the shape they are they look like giant babies but these guys are in scale babies but they are tough yeah very tough yeah there's a neat trick if you want to get them to lose their water because they're very polite so you bow to them and they bow back the water tips out of their plate they're rendered powerless Don't all sumo wrestling matches begin with a bow? A sort of bow and a throwing of salt which again I guess the kappa wouldn't like

They're not a fan of the brine It's me heart, stop throwing salt Perhaps those rules were invented to prevent the kappa from joining in as very small sumo wrestlers They've added a sort of protective brine like you would get on olives what to stop olives from becoming greco-roman wrestlers well yeah same idea same idea but alistair you have to be careful if you do sumo in front of kappa yeah because if you lose they steal your shirikodama.

I mean, I think I would have to be careful doing some of the wrestling in general. I have no training and I don't have the physique or the diet. No way, I'm a vegan. That is quite close to... Well, these guys are vegan. Sort of vegan, actually. They're not quite vegan. Their favourite foods are cucumber and the aforementioned shirikodama. Shirikodama. Am I sayingodama. Shirikodama. Shirikodama.

Am I saying that correct? Shirikodama. Yes. So my next question is, shirikodama, what is? James, please explain to... Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, it's a mythical human organ, spherical in shape, and it's located...

Well, Yuriko, you can us where where you'd find one so it's located uh inside of uh inside the anus yeah human human human yes i mean of all the places to claim a mythical organ resides that's one of the ones that's easiest to check it's a weird lie to invent that because every every person you check is like Yours is gone too These kappas, they're everywhere They take my It's the reverse of those humorous x-rays Where they show people have stuff up their bum Japanese doctors are like, gone again

What? I've never seen one So what does that organ do? The shirikadama Apparently it contains something like soul kind of thing. So if it's taken and you become soulless, kind of like lose energy or, yes. Of all the places to keep your soul, it seems risky.

I mean, to me, it's like leaving an item you really want in the hallway of your building. It's like you can't guarantee it's going to stay there. What if there was a rush on? Yes. You could imagine that someone who had had their shirakodama taken from them by a toddler-sized turtle with a bowl on its head might be a little bit changed afterwards.

on its head might might be a little bit changed afterwards so that's why uh back in days people say be careful by the river it's dangerous kappa will be there maybe maybe not you know that sort of classic 70s public information film you know with um deep water yes imagine that yeah but it's a little baby human turtle that's going to steal your shirikadama from straight out of your anus yes you can imagine that's also going to keep kids away

from the water's edge isn't it I should think so I mean I don't know Yuriko did Japan have terrifying public information films because we just grew up watching films about hey kids want to go and play on a farm?

Well, you're going to get pulled into a thresher and then they would quite realistically in like a folk horror way, so children drowning in silos of grain. Yeah. Dying, drowning in slurry. That's terrifying. Which is poo, let's be honest.

It's just a nice name for poo. Have you seen the one of the kite flying one where it's don't fly kites near electrical wires? No. It's basically don't fly kites near electrical wires. Kid does that, gets fully electrocuted and burnt, and then one of their mates goes to help them, also electrocuted and burnt.

No! So it's don't fly kites or be nice to people. Don't help. There is no society. My favourite one is, we just watched it every single year, the kid who got his feet cut off on the train lines. The kid who played football. What do you mean we watched it every year?

Did you have it on tape? In school. In school, we watched it every year in school. It was a part of the Christmas programming in Tyne T's area. Just before the Queen's speech, settle down, everyone. Pray silence. Yeah, a little break in the nativity for a story about

Chris, who doesn't play football anymore. Oh. I can't believe I've made it through my whole life without knowing anybody who got their feet sliced off on the railway track. I was sure it was going to happen. Sounds like it worked. Realistically, though, this was in Durham, and decades of Tory cuts have meant that public transport

in the area, quite poorly served. There weren't enough trains to cut off kids' feet. Yeah, we were lying out on the train lines going come on, but Thatcher went no. Yeah. Or Dr Beeching to be more accurate. Sorry, Eurico, I'm sure you're fascinated by my extremely specific resentment. The eponymous

Dr Beeching from theonymous Dr. Beeching from the sitcom Oh, Dr. Beeching. There's something you don't understand about Britain, Yuriko. If a politician closes train stations, we go, there's a sitcom in that. And we make a sitcom about that. Love it.

Want to watch it. So the weird thing about Oh, Dr. Beeching is someone looked at Heidi High and thought, I like it. But you know what I don't like about oh dr beeching is someone looked at heidi high and thought i like it but you know what i don't like about it the way they're in a holiday camp can we have that but without the fun element can we put this in a failing train station um so um i really enjoyed that interlude but i apologize to yuriko and anyone who hasn't seen heidi high or oh dr beeching or who have had their feet cut off in a train incident

yes I hope you learned your lesson and anyone who's had their fleshy soul sphere stolen from their from the bottom yeah actually do we need a content warning before this episode the fleshy soul sphere or for our own anuses

our unexpected content in the form of a fleshy soul sphere. Just take a piece of gaffer tape if you're going to go swimming in the Riverlands. Just pop on a modest X of gaffer. As if to say to the cappers, no, no, not today. The thing I read about the cappers that sort of tickled me. Well, it would.

You'd expect it to tickle at least. Oh, with that beak. Was that they love to wrestle, but they're... Whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry, sorry. Do they get it out with their beak? It's their favourite food. Oh! Sorry, I can't imagine them reaching in and taking it back to a nest

and cooking it or something. Right, sorry, just the visual image of them actually beaking their way in to get it is compelling. Beaking their way in. Why is Japanese culture so superior to ours? I just don't know. But whilst the Kappa love wrestling, their arms have a peculiar quality about them. Oh, yeah?

So their arms inside their shell are linked directly to each other so if you pull one the other arm gets shorter and that one gets longer kind of like kids mittens oh yeah that's accurate as well i think this is just a toddler that someone's just come across a toddler with a bowl on its head yeah or it's been at a party so it's wearing a party hat the party has yeah slipped down yeah into beak it's got a backpack on yeah it's got a slightly misshapen head it's hungry for shirakadama and cucumber who doesn't like cucumber you eat uh sushi right like cucumber yeah i'm vegan so i don't i don't eat sashimi but i can have sushi as long as it hasn't got all of the fishy oils. Would you eat shirakodama?

Yeah. Depends how it was prepared. Depends how it was acquired, really. From a renewable resource. But it's spherical. It's going to be rolling off the plate. You would need chopsticks, wouldn't you? You can't go for that with a knife and fork, chasing it around the restaurant. The problem is if it does roll away, then you're bending over to get it.

Then you are putting yourself at risk. And the cycle continues. Danger again. The cuppa will be there for you. So, you know the cucumber roll? It's called a cuppa maki. It's called cuppa maki because... Because it's cuppa's favourite, the cucumber.

It is among their favourites. It's one of their two favourite foods. Yeah, I mean, as a vegan, I'm used to asking what's in this, but with the Kappa roll, I'm really like, yeah, but what is in this? I think those are the ones Americans call California rolls. Yes. Oh, and if you are lured into a river by a Kappa... As so easily I might be.

...and taken, apparently your body will turn up seemingly unharmed. Well, dead. into a river by a kappa. As so easily I might be. And taken. Apparently your body will turn up seemingly unharmed. Well, dead. Oh. But apart from that, seemingly unharmed. You're the worst investigating officer, I have to say. Seemingly unharmed. That's great news.

Oh, no, but dead. Why are we here? Yeah, he's dead, but seemingly unharmed. But empty like a dried gourd. Oh. Yeah. Empty like a dried gourd. Empty like a dried gourd. I'm a northern man, so that is how northerners die anyway.

But it's still shocking. And live. They die as they live. Empty as a dried gourd. On the inside, just micro-machines. When northern men die, they're cracked open, full of micro-machines, like a piñata. It makes me think of, you know, like a Ramonet bottle.

Do you know... Please describe for the occidental and ignorant. Ramonet is like a fizzy pop, but it has a very distinctive type of bottle opening in that it's like a glass bottle, and somehow, I'm not really sure how it works, but there's basically a marble that is the top of it the cap and then you get this sort of plastic thing that you push on the top and it pushes the marble into the bottle and then you can drink i've seen sort of traditional

like 18th century bottles that work like that oh right because also it stops it if it diff it upside down it stops it completely running out, doesn't it? Because the marble falls down and blocks it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I think maybe that's what the shirikodama does as a function. It stops all the stuff leaking out of you, but they take it and then it drains out.

So you're like a dried gourd. Oh, no. So I think that might be how it works. And they use their beak to kind of poof, pop it in. Drink your sweet, sweet insides. But I don't know, because you turn up seemingly unharmed, apart from being dead. And hollow.

Really stretching the phrase, seemingly unharmed. Well, it depends how close you look. Oh, I can't believe we haven't mentioned my favourite physiological part of the kappa. Is this like... I read this on one website. Is this normal, Yuriko? How many anuses do you think?

Actually, we'll ask Alistair first. How many anuses do you think a kappa has? We're entering the section of Lawmen that we call How many anuses do you think? I know it. I know it. You know the answer. Okay, you're locked in. I have to guess how many anuses I think

the kpper has. So I'm going to assume it's not one. Six. Bit high, a bit strong. Did I overshoot? You went too far. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

It makes it seem a bit boring now. It's only got three. Bit of a disappointment. And that apparently enables it to fart thrice as much as a human. You'd think it would divide the intensity by three. You'd think it would be sort of burning the candle at both ends. So we even have the phrase, we often say, Henokappa.

Henokappa means kappa's fart. Like an easy, that's easy, piece of cake. Because the more bums you have, the easier it is to fart. If anything, it's hard to stop. I think that it means, because Kappa lives under the water, if they fart under the water, it's less dynamic, isn't it? But with three, you'd expect a sort of jacuzzi effect. I did some research and I found there's a short story about the kappa

by a chap called Lafkaido Hearn, who was a Greco-English writer from the late 1800s, early 1900s. And he moved to Japan and he was like a teacher at universities there. And he was one of the first people from the West to write about Japanese culture. He wrote about the Kappa, amongst other things. And he wrote a little story about the Kappa, also known as the Ape of Waters or Kawakoako which means river babe river child oh like the water babies yeah but with with more of a sort of bum fixation yeah way more anuses well two more anuses than a standard water baby presumably as sequels go the water babies with way more anuses well in

the area called uh matsue uh there is a shrine called the Kawakonomia. In that is apparently a document signed by a kappa. What? Yeah, because what had happened, the kappas also loved horses, I guess, because I imagine their shirakodama is probably a bit easier to get to. Like a medicine ball. Yeah, that'd keep you going for a week. So they also loved to get to like a medicine ball yeah that'd keep you going for a week um so they also love to get horses and this kappa was trying to get this horse but it got its head caught

in the strap the sort of the saddle underneath of the horse and the horse ran out of the river and galloped into a field dragging the kappa and the people of the village surrounded it and it bowed very deeply and it was they could tell that it was begging for mercy and the people of the village surrounded it, and it bowed very deeply, and they could tell that it was begging for mercy. And the people of the village were like, yes, we're going to kill this kappa, because it keeps stealing people and stuff like that, and horses, and our sweet, sweet shirikadamas. But the horse owner came along and said,

hold up, lads. I'm paraphrasing here. He said, hold up. I've got a better idea what we'll do rather than just kill this kappa let's get it to sign a contract to say it will not kill any of us steal any of our horses no more shirikodama thefts and it did we couldn't write so it just it gave a sort of a webbed paw print on this document they drew up the document and it's kept in this thing. And apparently no one from that village was attacked by a kappa ever again.

I've got to say, what a classic James Shakespeare move to present no one ever being attacked by a kappa as evidence for the existence of kappas. Shall we score this piece of folklore? Yeah, let's get some scores. Are you ready to be scored, Yuriko? Yes, please. I'm ready for the scores. Okay, then. of folklore yeah let's get some scores are you ready to be scored yuriko yes please i'm uh i'm ready for the scores okay then yes i'm ready to dispense the scores like a pez dispenser of scores a capper would work very well as a pez dispenser i think because of the little

hollow in the head you've got something to really get some purchase on with your thumb the sweet uh toy the little sweeties, yes. I used to collect that, yeah. You'd have three points for reloading new pez as well. Yeah, you get thrice as many pez as... Thrice the pez. First up, Supernatural for the Kappa. Supernatural.

It's the age-old problem, isn't it? Is this a hitherto undiscovered zoological specimen or is it magical? And I think in this case, it's clearly magical. Absolutely. the old problem isn't it is this is this a hitherto undiscovered zoological specimen or is it magical and i think in this case it's clearly magical absolutely yeah it's it's walking around it's signing contracts it's stealing people's souls in a fictitious organ out of their bones there's no rationale behind that there's no that's not a that's not an animal is it that's magic it's got three anuses now that's magic it's a chapter i don't remember from paul daniel's magic book three anuses to every plate the ratios are way off i think it's five out of five yes yes it's

got to be it's got to be a full five out of five brilliant okay let's move on then to naming. You said that in an interesting way. Yeah. Are you feeling confident about this one, James? As I said, I remembered that there was about two or three names in the whole thing. Right, Kappa. Great name, great sports brand. It's a letter in the alphabet. It's a triple threat. That's right. Yes.

And the Kappa itself has three anuses, also a triple threat. Yeah. That's two triple threats. Yeah. The shirakodama. Shirakodama, lovely word. Might not be a particularly memorable word, but certainly a very memorable thing. It's your spherical soul organ. Kept in your anus.

Yeah, no, you're not forgetting that quickly. Yeah. If it is stolen. Any Japanese place names that we've got? Because you know I'm going to try and avoid seeming like a Western imperialist and I'm going to be giving extra points for anything that sounds Asian. Well, Lafcadio Herm, I've been saying his name wrong and saying Lafcaido. It's Lafcadio Herm. An even more pleasant cadence to it, Lafcadio.

Yeah, it's a lovely name. Lafkadio. Yeah, he sounds like a cad. He sounds like he'd be on his way to a duel every time you met him. Sounds like he's a laugh. Yeah. A laugh and a bit of a cad. Yeah.

Eww. There's Matsue. Matsue. Matsue? You just said that in a Yorkshire accent. Matsue. Matsui. You know the Matsui telebrand?

Yeah. That's not Japanese. Really? It was given the name by like, it's like Curry's or Rumbelow's own brand, but they gave them Japanese sounding names because in the 80s people thought that they would be better because they sounded like they came from Japan.

Like Haagen-Dazs and Mauben Kitchens. Are they not Japanese? I mean, are they not? Mauben is British and Haagen-Dazs is American. kitchens. Are they not Japanese? I mean, are they not? Mauben is British and Haagen-Dazs is American. Yeah, they just gave them foreign sounding names. And Yuriko's not Japanese. Yeah. Yeah.

She works in Rumbelows. Yeah. From Stoke. Yeah. So, names. We've got Shirakodama. We've got Kappa. We've got Rumbelows.

Yes. We've got Yuriko Kitani. Yes. We've got... Lafcadio Hearn. Lafcadio hearn lafcadio hearn it's a three it's a solid three you shouldn't feel ashamed about that no we shouldn't you sound a bit ashamed about that yuriko are you feeling some shame yes it's uh we yeah could have done better but you know what maybe the next one yeah next one is politeness politeness politeness yeah there's a lot of bowing

i seem to recall you bow they'll bow to you yeah so you make use of their politeness in karate they bow don't they because doesn't the guy bow and get kicked in the face in karate kid karate kid or i haven't seen karate kid really i've never seen it seen have you seen karate kid ever yuriko uh me neither i haven't very popular isn't it very i'm also aware of it being very popular uh i know that there is a character called mr miyagi and that there is a wax on wax off situation wax off yes and that is the extent of my knowledge about the karate kid yes i. Yes, I'm 100% the same, yeah. Wow. Well, I never.

I never thought I'd live to see the day. Any other examples of politeness? Well, I don't know. Is it a contract? I think making a thing sign a contract. Well, they were going to murder him. Yeah, it's very polite not to murder someone. It's extremely polite to just have someone sign a contract

saying they won't keep stealing people's bum soles. And horses. And horses' bum soles. Presumably. How big do you reckon a human's one is, though, by the way, guys? How big's a human's one? Like Brussels sprouts. Like the bigger marble?

Size of a crab apple. It's got to be able to fit out of the anus, but not by accident. What? So I'd say, yeah, anything from an easy peeler up to a... Tangerine. The smaller oranges. Maybe we're in that area. We're all really picturing it now, aren't we?

Yeah, and I'm not sure how much that adds to the value of politeness for this story. Yeah, now I'm thinking the colour and the texture. I don't think... You don't think that talking about a bum-based orb is very polite? No, that's exactly what I'm going to say. I do not think that the three-anus, prodigiously farting kappa is that polite, just because it bows occasionally. And I think you and the kappa...

No! Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think that bowing thing might be a double bluff on the Kappa's part. It's like, you know, in... Now I'm going to reference another film and I hope this goes a bit better. Have you seen Jurassic Park? Of course I've seen Jurassic Park. I'm not a maniac. Yeah, same.

Yeah. Yuriko, you've seen it too? Yes, I've seen it. Yeah, because we're not idiots. We've seen Jurassic Park. It's a classic. Everyone's seen Jurassic Park. Yeah, everyone knows. It's got Mr Miyagi. It's got the Wax On, Wax Off. Megalodon, Megalodorf.

That's a good dinosaur joke but it's not a dinosaur that's in Jurassic Park. Do you know the bit where the Velociraptor gets the Hunter Man and he says the famous words clever girl yep i think that's what the kappa's doing it's let word get around that it's susceptible to bowing so when a human sees it and come face to face with it it bows not knowing there's another kappa lurking in the bushes to get behind him as he bows yep whip his shurikadama straight out right in there yes

exactly yeah they're working as a team yeah i think you're absolutely right that's the only possible explanation for this which means that my score of two is deserved yeah for these little monsters these cheeky little so-and-sos. Perfect height to, what was the phrase? Beak it out? To beak it out. To put that out. Should be in Wikipedia. Gotta beak them all.

Wanna be the best. Okay. I'll do the Karate Kid. It's the Karate Kid. It's the Karate Kid. He's gonna beak your soul out. Wait, is that the plot of the Karate Kid? Does he beak people's souls out from their bums?

He does the crane kick and then he does the kappa beak to subdue his opponents. Final category. Yes? Anus. Anus is. It's important that we get the plural on this one well there's at least three there's three per kappa so that's incredible three per kappa capita

yes that is true i just think it's five out of five it has to be maxing out on anuses this it really really has we have had no legend that's been so bum-hole fixated. No, this is the most extraordinarily sphincterious creature we've ever encountered. Yes. It's too bummy. I don't know how we're going to be able to bleep this episode. Yeah.

If we bleep every reference to bums, it's going to be completely incomprehensible. I think we can keep bum. I think we've skirted around the rim by referring to it as an anus. We certainly have. We've circumnavigated that particular pitfall. Yeah. So it's five out of five.

Okay, great. Max points. So before we let you return to hopefully being on the lookout for kappas, Yuriko, is there anything you would like to plug? Where can listeners find you? Well, I think there's obviously one thing you're going to need to plug with these kappas around yes but apart from that i think we'll we'll we'll edit the bit where i imply that you're going to plug your bum i'm definitely keeping that bit in obviously but where where can people find you

yuriko for more more of your uh extremely entertaining comedy? So I'm on all the social media. So Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Either Yuriko Kotani, my full name, or Yuriko Comedy. Yuriko Kotani or Yuriko Comedy. So please find me, please. Find me, please. Yes, begging, yes. I'd just like to stress, Yuriko has not been kidnapped by a kappa.

No, not yet. Hopefully they're not offended. You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. And guest lawperson, Yuriko Kitani. If you'd like to support the Lawmen in our quest to do whatever we just did... Chat about bumholes.

You can go to ko-fi.com forward slash lawmen. James, I'm wondering now if this episode needs a content warning for bums. If you got this far without needing a warning, you're all right. You've made it to the end. It would be plugging the bum after the shurikodama has bolted, really. Yes! Do you have any creatures that have many illnesses in Britain? In the UK?

Yes. Oh, there's Piers Morgan, I suppose. My friend's sister thought that my friend was born without a bum hole. Yeah? Yeah. She thought. It was the younger sister, and when she was born, she was maybe a little constipated for a bit. And the older sister took that to mean that her younger sister had been born without a bum hole.

When the older sister went to university and the younger sister came to visit her, she told him this and introduced her, in essence, as the girl who was born without a bum hole. So she continued into adulthood believing that her sister didn't have a bumhole? No, had been born without a bumhole, but then probably a doctor cut a flap in. Wow. Yeah, and I think that she confronted her. I think they took each other's word for it

that she did have a bumhole. They didn't have to call in an ombudsman. No, an ombudsman. I see him having one of those little eyeglasses for examining diamonds. Squinting that into place. But with a sort of built-in nose clip. Yeah, very sensible. But then you realise, that's a whole fake.

Whip it off, there's a beak underneath. It's a capper. It's a capper on holiday. A capper on holiday pretending, of course, to be an ombudsman. The perfect cover for a capper abroad.