Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep38: Loremen S3 Ep38 - Rosie Holt - The Witch of Wookey Hole

Episode Date: September 17, 2020

We've all heard of Wookey Hole, haven't we? HAVEN'T WE? Oh, we haven't? Huh. Then let Deputy Loreperson Rosie Holt introduce you to Somerset's 2nd best subterranean tourist attraction. James chips in with a bunch of West Country witch tales that all have something familiar about them. (That's a pun.) Plus a timeless lesson on the dangers of pig sarcasm, and a hot tip for getting rid of unwanted toads.    Loreboys nether say die! ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @RosieisaHolt

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. Alistair, this week we have got a legend that I think is way too famous for the podcast. Oh yeah? It's the Witch of Wookie Hole. Yeah, well, uh, yes. You know the Wookie Hole.

Not really, no. You know the Witch of the Wookie Hole. It's not ringing a bell. Okay, allow me to break it down further. You've heard of holes. I'm aware of the concept of holes, yes. It's a place in Somerset. Oh, I've never been.

Well, experience it in audio form with our guest lawperson. It's Rosie Holt. Hooray! Experience it in audio form with our guest law person. It's Rosie Holt. Hooray! Hello, Alistair. Hi, James. How are you? I'm feeling fantastic, James.

You got that Friday feeling? I'm electrified. I have. Is it Friday? Yeah. Great news. Then yes. Oh, when we're recording this, not when it's being released.

It's Thursday. It's always Thursday in law land. I've sourced another guest law person for you. Have you? Where do you find them? For some reason, comedians have got a lot of time on their hands at the minute. Except this one, actually. We'll get into that later.

Please welcome Deputy Law Person, Rosie H minute. Except this one, actually. We'll get into that later. Please welcome Deputy Lawperson Rosie Holt. Hello. Hello, Rosie. Deputy Lawperson. Yes, you've been deputised. Yeah, you get a little gold badge and a weapon. But if you discharge it, you will have to write a report. So take care.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so amazing. What kind of weapon? I was thinking a six-shooter. A shooting iron. A shooting iron? That's what they call guns. And then you had the ironing iron.

Those were the two main irons, really, weren't they? Absolutely, yeah. The ironing iron. Like two iron shirts with iron. That kind of iron. Yeah, they were the main two kinds. That's very masculine and feminine. If only you could get a combination. That's why there isn't a combo.

Otherwise, the husband and wife might confuse their roles and then what would happen? Society would collapse. You'd just end up with a lot of shirts with holes in. That's the kind of world ending we're talking about. Or very flat criminals. Yes. Alistair, are you saying that the police only shoot criminals?

Hmm, don't know. At least if they're flat, you can fit more of them in prison. Which is good. Oh, yeah, but Rosie, they're going to escape. They're going to get which is good oh yeah but rosie they're gonna escape they're gonna get out between the bars i got a letter from the county jail he's folded himself inside like a pop-up book like a felonious pop-up book to exact his revenge which is paper cuts ouch so i think you've got a fairly good handle on what being a deputy law person entails. You are clearly one of the more English people I've met, Rosie.

Yeah. Is that fair to say? Apart from apparently, according to my mum, and I say according to my mum, she's been known to be a little bit fast and loose with the truth. But she says that I am a descendant of Pocahontas. So, I don't know. I mean, I don't want to call Mama Holt a liar. Of Pocahontas the Native American.

Yes, that's right. According to my mum, we've asked for proof. She doesn't have any proof. But she says that we're we are descendants of Pocahontas has she done a quiz called which Disney princess are you that's very valid um question no she hasn't um she hasn't done any research into it uh but she says it's true she says her she says her grandmother said it just got's got a hunch. It was true. Interestingly, my family descended from Mulan. Wow.

Yep. And on the other side, actual lions from the Lion King. Now I feel like you're mocking my heritage. Over lockdown, I've become 30% Baloo. Like the boy band. Lee Ryan from Balloon. Yes, but apart from Boca Hunters, I am quite English. So what part of the UK are you from?

From where do you hail? Somerset, to be precise. We moved to Somerset when I was 16. But before that, we lived in Wiltshire, the Wiltshire-Somerset border. So it's always been a bit, oh, which one? Yes, so I can imagine you'd be imbued with a sense of dislocation and wanderlust from your youth there being very hard it's followed me my whole life my whole life then I can imagine that Wiltshire or Somerset it's got a very much of an

east side west side kind of a vibe yeah it really was oh we used to we used to scowl at them on the other side of the border and then when i changed i went who am i now i don't know look at them over there drinking their slightly different kind of cider who do they think they are throwing cowpats at each other but rosie what so i was i was talking to you about where you're from you're the original place that you lived in until you were 16, what was it called? It was a very small village called Maiden Bradley. Maiden Bradley?

Maiden Bradley. That has like 250 people living in it or something. It's very... Is that right? It's very small, yeah. That sounds too small. It was... Did you have any sort of shop?

It had one shop, it had a village shop. Maidenbrady was quite a strange village. To give you an example, my parents once, we lived slightly outside the village, and so we're regarded as kind of outsiders. Offcomers. My parents were invited to a party by this very, very rich family. And when they got to the party, they were shunted into this different room. And the party had been split into two different rooms.

So there was the main room with all the kind of rich, fancy guests. And then there was the second tier guests, which is what my parents were put into. What? And then there was the second tier guests, which is what my parents were put into. What? Sort of the locals and the ones who didn't quite match up to the splendour of the proper guests. At midnight, did they pick someone from the lesser room and drink their blood? And then ate them.

Yes. It was very sad. And then fully ate them. Yeah. And no one ever spoke of it again. Wow. This is the first time I'm speaking of it now. Hopefully something will be done about it. And they will be flattened and put into prison.

I wasn't afraid of offending the people of Maiden Bradley previously, because there's only 250 of them, and I reckon we could take them. But now I know that they're bloodthirsty monsters and highly classist. I'm a bit more intimidated. When I was looking up about Maiden Bradley,

are there some funny lumps? There are some funny lumps nearby. Right. There's Starhead, which is amazing. Starhead? Yeah. There's various mounds around Maiden Bradley. There's all sorts of little villages

and there's hills with kind of old yield um burial chambers usually they tend to be yeah burial things how fresh were some of these some of them after a very rich party there'd always be a new one it was like that was how they mark their parties they make a new little hillock. But we're not talking about that specific thing because I think that's going to get us into trouble. We're talking about a Somerset little bit of fun. The Wookie Hole. I love Wookie Hole.

What I like about it is you're both from the West Country, so you've both said Wookie Hole as if that is a normal phrase that you can say in conversation without explanation or laughter. Yeah, Wookie Hole, as if that is a normal phrase that you can say in conversation without explanation or laughter. Yeah, Wookiehole's super cool. But the name, it's called Wookiehole. Yeah, look, up until 1977, that was a perfectly acceptable name. I'd waited that even pre-1977 that was still a funny sounding phrase, Wookiehole. Is it near like Ewok's cleft?

Jar Jar's crevice? What? Yeah, I'm including the new ones. The new ones. The new ones from 20 years ago. I think Wookiee means holy. Does it? Yeah, and it's the holy hole.

I'm with Alistair. I think I felt, especially when I was a kid, I always felt it more had sort of Star Wars vibes in my head. Did they play up to it? Because I know on the Isle of Wight you've got Black Gang Chine, which is a theme park which just rinses everything that you could have on the Isle of Wight. So it's got dinosaurs, it's got smugglers, it's got...

I think part of the attractions are the fact that some of the attractions have fallen into the sea. Welcome to the Isle of Wight. Yes, we have fallen in the sea. Come in, kids. Please don't fallen into the sea welcome to the isle of wight yes we have falling in the sea come in kids please don't fall in the sea i mean it was the coolest it was my favorite place to go as a kid but they they just played up on the whole witch aspect so there was lots of little witch toys you could get that was what was so cool about it it was great and cheese you could buy cheese cheese and witches no you're saying all of these as if they've got a sort of common sense quality to them. Come on, Alex.

What's wrong with you? Surely you've heard of the witch of Wookiee Hall. I have not heard of the witch of Wookiee Hall. Everybody's heard of the witch of Wookiee Hall. I did a bit of research into Somerset witches in general. And Somerset is, I'm going to say it, is thick with witches. Ooh. Apparently, in the town of Porlock, or the village of Porlock,

in the 1890s, there was the... The warlock of Horlock. We all have fun on this podcast. There was the Slolly family, which were two sisters and a brother, and apparently they all had the evil eye. And one sister was able to turn into a hare and the hare would uh lead away when the people were doing a hunt the hare would like lead the hounds off and just ruin their hunt and all the hunts people got huntsmen i don't need to be pc

it would have been huntsmen hunt persons the hunts peoples they managed to catch this hare one time and and they they cornered it and they went to find it and there was no hair there there was just one of the sisters and she was she was trying to nonchalantly comb her matted hair whilst being visibly out of breath and that was evidence that she was a hair i like these hunt saboteur witches they sound cool yeah did they do anything to her did like, get her for being a witch? No, that's where the story ends, as far as I know, regarding her. The other sister was spotted stealing cakes from a village fete.

This guy grassed her up, and she said to him that she had marked him down, and he fell ill that very night and wasted away and died. Wow. Yeah. Good thing he had time to report the story of what she said to him before falling ill and dying that same day foresight yeah he was like i better say something in case something happens snitches get stitches i feel a bit sorry for the hair woman because what what was she doing wrong really so she she interrupted a hunt by saving the foxes.

I mean, that's not that bad, is it? If you're asking what was she doing, really, she was combing her hair whilst being out of breath. That's all she was definitely doing near a hunt. Very suspicious. I think you're right. But what you've demonstrated there is you just don't understand the countryside economy, Rosie.

It's very important. Those rabbits cost thousands of pounds worth of damage. They eat lettuces. I've read Peter Rabbit. I think I know a thing or two about this. Do you like radishes? Yeah, you probably enjoy getting on your Metropolitan London plate. You probably enjoy having loads of lettuce and

radish. Well, we wouldn't be able to have that if we didn't murder all the rabbits, literally all the rabbits. But some of them are witches, aren't they? Especially the witch rabbits. Especially those ones. Well, they tended to be hares. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot there was a difference between rabbits and hares.

I might not be the countryside expert I've claimed to be. The hares have longer ears, don't they? Is that how you can tell them apart, the ears? Yeah, that's right. I think so. And they have a more cunning look in their eye. She knows. Obvious hair racist here.

I don't mind rabbits. i don't mind rabbits for those hairs they've got they've got a cunning look in their eye i've got a story of a rabbit that you shouldn't trust you shouldn't have trusted do you know bridgewater rosie yes it's horrible isn't it it's not very nice i don't like bridgewater rubbish you think it's gonna be nice because it's got water in the title, but no, let down. So there was a pig owner in Bridgewater, and he suspected that this elderly woman had bewitched his pig because his pig fell ill,

and she would stop by every day and ask after his pig in a sarcastic tone of voice. Proof? If proof be need be. Are your pigs still ill oh these poor women getting used to being witches yeah when was this 1996 but it's not just that that's not the only evidence There was also a rabbit near her house Oh fine, case closed That would jump through her window

And then one time the pig owner saw a rabbit And kicked it And the woman was confined to bed for three days Oh okay, she was a witch then And the pig later recovered And then later on died because it was oh well that's i mean what a roller coaster emotion that tale was when the pig recovered my heart leapt yeah only for it to be eaten as sausages 400 years ago it's stories like that isn't it where you go okay maybe there were witches

what do you mean, maybe? A sarcastic voice, James. What could be more compelling than that? And she lived near a rabbit. Yeah. And the lovely woman confined to bed. It couldn't happen. How do you explain that except through transmogrification? Witchcraft.

Yeah. So these were familiars. You know, are you familiar with the term familiars? I'm a familiar with a familiar, yeah. I am also conversant with that particular term little animal friends of the witch the little animal helpers of the witches apparently if you've got them they are actually quite difficult to get rid of because they're given to you by the devil his self their self and it can be hard to return a present can't it yeah so they're kind of like forced friends like when you're a kid and your

parents are friends with another parent and you have to be friends with their kid, even though their kid's awful. So the devil's like, this rabbit is your friend. You don't get a say in it. Yeah, you've got a rabbit now, mate. Unlucky. And the thing is, you either had to re-gift them or destroy them if you wanted to die. Because you couldn't die if they're still alive.

And there was a story of a local witch in Chewstoke, and she'd got very old and was in constant pain. And so she asked her neighbour to bring in a big earthenware pot from her garden, and the neighbour did, and it was full of toads. I knew there were going to be toads in there. And the witch pointed at each toad in turn and said, Die, die, die. And they did.

And when they were all dead, she could die. Wow. That is disgusting, but strangely believable. Oh, and I've got a little quiz for you, actually. I came across this thanks to Icy Sedgwick, who's a podcaster. Thanks, Icy. There was this one woman who was accused of being a witch, Alice Hunt. This was during the height of witch mania,

around the time of Matthew Hopkins, the Witchfinder General. And she was said to have two familiars, called Robin and Jack, This was during the height of witch mania, around the time of Matthew Hopkins, the Witchfinder General. And she was said to have two familiars called Robin and Jack that she kept in a pot by her bed. Now, what animal do you think these familiars were? There's two of them in a small pot by her bed. Both in the same pot? Yeah. Okay.

A tadpole. No. Are they bigger or smaller? Are we in the right area? I guess they're bigger. Bigger. Toads. Newts. No, they're mammals. Oh. Bigger. Toads. Newts.

No, they're mammals. Oh. Mice. No, no, no. They're tiny horses. When you're trying to get to sleep and they're just cantering away around the porcelain bowl. Yeah. Shut up, lads.

Shut up. Oh, not tiny horses. Tiny horses. Tiny horses. That was based on the testimony of a nine-year-old. No. No way. A child told that compelling and convincing story

that she had a bowl full of tiny horses underneath her bed. Yeah. Really? A couple of tiny horses in a pot. I think the tragic end to this, I think that woman may have been, yeah, maybe even killed. What a world, though, where a nine-year-old could say something like that and all the adults would go,

oh, yes, yes. Yes, well, write that one down. I've got one more little witchy story then before we get on to the big gun. For the big witchy. The witch of Wookiee Hole. I was doing a bit of extra research onto Matthew Hopkins,

the witch finder general. Yes. He needs no further introduction. Have you seen the film, the Vincent Price film? No, i really want to great it's a bit well it's a bit hammer horrorish and bit you know nasty but what a classic he's wicked vincent price he's a mega dude was he he's a good egg good and he was also a good uh egghead in the batman series on matthew hopkins book the discovery of witches the first plate it's's got Matthew Hopkins standing there

and two witches in chairs, and they're saying, my imp's names are Illimouser, I Watch It, Jamara, Suck and Sugar, Newiz, Pecco in the Crown, Grizzled Greedy Gut, and Vinegar Tom. And then the other witch is just pointing at a little cat and says, Holt. As in Rosie Holt. Rosie Holt. H-O-L-T.

Wait, so I'm related to Boca Hunters and a witch. And a witch's little cat. Those names are just like cat's names, like Vinegar Tom. It's just a name for a cat. Greedy Guts, whatever that is. They just like cat's names, like Vinegar Tom. It's just a name for a cat. Greedy Guts, whatever that is. They're just cat's names. Grizzled Greedy Guts is a great name. Jamara, that's quite nice.

Jamara is nice. Jamara sounds like the North East phrase, Jamar, but that only makes sense if you know what that North Eastern phrase means. Is it talking about your mum? Is it North East for your mum? It means your mum, yeah. It got hardcore when people started saying your nan instead of your mum no not don't bring don't bring nans into this james yeah it's triggering don't bring pelican hunters into this rogie's grandma don't bring a nan to

a mum fight no that's very hard hard for me to hear don't bring an iron to a gunfight i'm not the irons again so what is this we Hole I have heard so much about in the last few minutes? It's very hurtful that you don't know about Wookiee Hole. Well, it's a cave, right? Yeah, really good cave. The cave is amazing. The cave is where I learned about stalagmites and stalactites. Wow.

Yeah. And the difference therein? One of them is pointy up here, one of them's pointy down here. Stalagmites, is that the up? I can't remember. Because they reach up with all their mites. Yes. And then it got blue, considering I was being taught this at primary school.

Yeah, I remember a sort of tights go down kind of. Yeah. That is my mnemonic. Hey, gather round, children. Here's a sexy limerick to help you remember something rubbish that you won't need. I'm going to take away your innocence but you're going to know a lot about geology there's lots of different rock formations aren't there in the wookiee hole i've not actually been it's the coolest place ever because not only

is there the cave the wookiee hole caves which are really cool there's loads of rock formations it's really atmospheric but there's also this this like amazing wiki whole kind of yield fairground where you can dress up well there used to be i don't know if it's like this anymore but you used to be able to sort of dress up in ye old clothes and have yield photos taken and then there was a mirror maze. There was a little mirror maze you got lost in. And then there was a thing where you could put your hand in this machine and it would have a palm reading and tell you your fortune. It was a magical place when you were a child.

Did it have a ye olde penny fountain? Yes. Yes, I've forgotten about that. Yes, you'd throw in a penny and you'd make a wish i'm very impressed about it having like a robot fortune teller because if there's any job that i didn't think was at risk of automation it would have been well have you not seen the film big oh yeah you're right yeah it was that's what it basically was it was it was that kind of thing that you know you imagine getting stuck in if you were being chased by a homicidal killer it had that kind of vibe to it but it was really cool

and then all the way around it had these sort of allusions to the the wookie hall witch so if you're a kid and like me you're a kid who liked the sort of supernatural it was an absolute dream place it was so cool i mean i've got to say this place sounds awful but it wasn't awful it wasn't awful it was ye olde and magical okay people are gonna think you're a witch if you keep going on about that sort of stuff you got to be careful how's your pig yeah how's the pig mate why don't you put the trotter in the old perm machine? See how long its lifeline is. Looking a bit peaky. One of those rock formations, one of the stalagmites,

is called the Witch of the Wookie Hole in there, isn't it? Oh, yes. That's the most exciting bit in the cave. Do you know the story of how she got there? I can't remember. Oh, yes. That's the most exciting bit in the cave. Do you know the story of how she got there? I can't remember. Please remind me. Okay, so what it was, apparently, she was a young woman and her heart was broken by her lover. And she moved into the caves and she became bitter and twisted and hated the outside world, in particular, young lovers. And she taught herself the dark arts. And she got two familiars.

She got a goat and a kid. Like a real human kid? As in a young goat. Normal sized or miniature? Oh, I don't. It doesn't specify if they're pocket-sized familiars or if they were, yeah. What was the other one? A goat.

A full-sized goat. A goat and a goat kid. Two goats, essentially. Really, that's two goats. Yes, I thought the two goats. A bit rubbish. If you just said she was given two goats, we wouldn't have said, what ages were they, James? We wouldn't have needed that information. That's what I felt. I felt that was a bit confusing, James. The two little tiny horses, were they the same age or was one of them a foal?

I think we can only presume that those two horses were contemporaries. Sorry, please continue. And then, the story goes either a young scholar from Oxford or an old monk from Glastonbury came to battle the witch because their girlfriend... The monk shouldn't be having girlfriends.

No, when he was young he had a girlfriend that was cursed by the witch. Oh, and that's why he became a monk And then he became a monk If he was like, I can't have her, then I'm not going to even It seems like a long time to wait to wreak your revenge on the witch though He had to build up his god power

Whichever one of them it was Came into the caves armed with Butter Bible With Butter Bible? No, with just a Bible, not a butter Bible. Oh, I thought it would be like butter scotch, butter beer. Because the witch didn't like dairy. Oh, God.

She was intolerant. She was intolerant of young love and lactose. Oh, and the works of Jesus. Because they had the Bible. She retreated into the cave because the monk or scholar knew that she was susceptible to the power of Jesus H. Christ. The holy grease of the Buddha Bible.

Yes. He blessed the river Axe that runs through the caves and sprinkled that on the witch and she turned to stone, as did her familiars. And apparently a ghost still haunts the cave to this day. Of course it does. And in 1912, the skeleton of a woman that was over 1,000 years old was found.

The skeleton was over 1,000 years old, not a woman. And with it, the bones of a goat and a little goat or kid. And a round stalagmite that looked a bit like a crystal ball yeah originally the earliest recorded mentioning of a bit of stone that looked like a woman is around i think it's around 1480 and it just said there's a bit of stone that looks like an old woman it didn't really become that it was a witch until i think the 1700s or 1800s then it started they started to say that was a witch and this legend came around but then and then it was in 1912 that they found the skellingtons skellington i love it when you correct your pronunciation of skeletons and it's still wrong

yeah so that's the tale that's an incredible tale and I can't believe it all turned out to be true. Yeah. Yeah, because the skeleton was found. Oh, by the way, did you know about, also in the Wookiee Hole, there's a big eel? No. It's 30 foot long, mate. Too long. There's a 30 foot long eel that apparently had swum up the Severn in order to become king of the river.

How do they know its motivation? How do they know what the eel was thinking well they've the fishermen found it to be such a nuisance because it was tearing their salmon nets and flooding wells the city oh um that the fishermen drove it up the river axe into the wookie hole and it's been stuck there ever since but it's still alive as far as i know the big eel is still big um and and never became king of the river still at large oh yeah there's a bit of wordplay about its size with regarding the eel do we know if the eel was also spurned by another eel oh that's so sad a heartbroken eel yeah a miss havisham eel.

Still wearing a veil. So those are the tales of the Witch of the Wookiee Holes. Incredible. I think I'm ready to score it. Right, Rosie, we're going to get scored now. We've got to do well. Yes. Let's go.

Category the first. Naming. Names. They were good, but I've forgotten them all. Oh. What was the name of that family where there were two sisters and a brother? Slolly. Slolly is such a good name. Brilliant. From the town of Porlock. Porlock. Yeah, Maiden Bradley.

The Warlocks of Porlock. Great name. Never mind the Porlocks. Chew Stoke. Those are two verbs. Chew and Stoke. Tiny Horses. Tiny Horses. I don't know if that's actually a name. Yes. Could be a song. Tiny Horses. Tiny Horses. I don't know if that's actually a name. Yes. Could be a song. Tiny Horses.

Epic. We've got Ile Mouser. That's a good name for a cat. He's saying it's a mouser. I'm going to call my first born child that. I Watch It, which is a reference to Netflix. Peck in the Crown. Grizzled Greedy Gut, which I think is what my kids call me.

Sack and Sugar. New is... Sack and Sugar sounds like you're about to be more insulting, but you've sort of pulled your punches a little bit. You sack of sugar. Vinegar Tom, who appears to be a small bull. Yeah, okay. You've got just a list of brilliant names there.

Of course, it's got to be a high score. And of course, Holt. Holt. Including Holt. The Wookie Hole. names there of course it's got to be a high score and of course halt halt um including halt the wookiee hole and i was about to try and palm you off with four it's five out of five i forgot that it was called wookiee hole what a name okay second category supernatural lots of witches well how's your pig mate my pig is fine as usual don't forget the woman brushing her her hair after being a hair yeah wordplay involved there thank you yeah trans transforming that's that's magical um yes being a ghost that's pretty magic i suppose pretty supernatural how do you get rid of your toads

yeah i do finger guns die die die pretend to die like people's trained dogs. Where do you keep your tiny horses? Yeah, you got me there. Tiny horses are magical. It'd be great if she had a tiny stable. And it was a bit... It was like a Sylvanian family. She was just into Sylvanian families. She wasn't a witch.

I forgot about the tiny horses. I think it's a four out of five. And the reason for that is a really big eel that nobody has seen isn't supernatural. Oh, but it was such a nuisance. Look, if you could have demonstrated to me that it did want to be king of the river, a position that I'm not sure eels understand. It's an honorary position.

You just get a gold chain. It's not a good idea on an eel. Necklaces. They just slip right off. It's four out of 5 I'm going to mark that in my wicked book yes I'm going to mark you down what about the fact that

Rosie Holt is name checked on a book from 1667 or whenever it was that's sinister it can't be part of the Holt family because we know that their lineage is Native American obviously obviously yeah she hadn't been brought over by john smith then so what what is the next category female

empowerment well yeah um women these days doing it for themselves can be sarcastic about pigs can't they yes i mean you might you might get some backlash on twitter if you're sarcastic about a pig yeah but it's's not changed, has it? Quote tweet, this is modern feminism. Yeah. That pig is actually very ill. I suppose you think it's funny to make jokes about an unwell pig. Oh, I like your internet man voice.

That's my internet man voice, yeah. Oh, I suppose it's okay to laugh at a big eel eel i don't want women coming here and laughing at my tiny horse also this man fat shaming this cake lady yeah and so she she she told him what for and maybe that now would not be seen as such a bad thing is that such an extreme option maybe not well that is actually an example of female empowerment, unlike the others, which were all an example of women being victimised. I mean, maybe it is. You know, it's a bit extreme, but we do live in an age of extremes.

What could be more feminist than wanting all men to die? What could be a better example of female empowerment? I haven't read all the books. I'm pretty certain that's the gist of it. Yeah. And what about the female empowerment of the Wookiee Hole Witch? She was incredibly successful

even though she had a kid. Yeah, she is the witch that has it all. And also, you know, she had a bad relationship and she turned things around by screwing up other people's relationships

yeah it's five out of five yes what is the final category this one is very special uh it's animal rights i don't know if you notice that i pronounce that right r-i-t-e-s oh yes very nice work oh yes thank you very clever yes Five out of five, move on. Yeah, because you've got familiars everywhere. We've got familiars left, right and centre. You've got familiars. You've got a big eel. You've got a kid.

An eel that dared to dream. Yeah. Don't forget the little horses. Oh, actually, wait a minute. The animal rights aren't that great because a rabbit gets kicked. Yeah. There's a sick pig. There's that toad execution.

Yeah, I forgot about the summary execution of nine toads. The kid dies. And they chased an eel away because it was a bit annoying. No. You've actually made me quite angry as an animal. I think I've undermined all that. Yeah. As someone who cares about animal rights in the real world,

I'm going to say it's two out of five. That is one per tiny horse. Because they were cute. Because I'm absolutely in love with the tiny horses. They were sweet. Didn't they have little saddles? Using a toothbrush to brush their coats. And just have to use one of those screwdrivers that you get out of a cracker to clean out

their horseshoe. Making it jump over Weetabix's. Thank you very much for coming on the podcast, Rosie. Oh, it was a pleasure. Our listeners may well be familiar with you from your satirical Twitter output among other comedic

ventures, but if people wanted to find you being funny in other places, where should they look? Well, mainly on Twitter and Instagram at Rosie is a H-O-L-T. Yeah, it's spelt like you would spell the familiar of a witch.

That's the one, yeah. The normal spelling. Thank you. It ended extraordinarily formally there. Thank you very much. Thank you. Very formal. Can we go into the main party? Oh, it's incredible.

They've got chandeliers. They've got people spinning on hoops. What did they have? Did they just have like own brand canapes or something at that party? The main party was like the whole, pretty much the whole house. And then the little party was just like a small room. Just a gazebo that wasn't big enough. Just people eating off-brand jammy dodgers.

Did just a butler come in and open the door with a tray of party rings and just fling it in and then slam the door again. Enjoy your party rings, scum. So there, right, now you see, very famous. Oh, yeah, now you've explained it to me in minute detail. I agree it's very famous. You agree that you've heard of it? It's one podcast more famous now. You have been listening to Lawmen with me, Alastair Beckett-King.

And me, James Shakespeare. If you want to support the podcast, you could write us a review. You could sling a few stars our way. Five, please. Yeah, five out of five, preferably. And you can go on to ko-fi.com forward slash lawmen and give us a few groats, a few shiny guilders.

Yes, yeah. Money I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Internet money. An older couple who I know who were in New York and they were invited to a party and it was the first time they'd seen wasabi and they weren't familiar with wasabi but they were familiar with guacamole.

And so he took a big, big chip dip of wasabi were familiar with guacamole and so he took a big big chip dip of wasabi thinking it was guacamole and bit into it and oh and then it was on a balcony of a tall building and he spat it off the building just like subtly went over and spat it off the building and i always think like what about the person that saw that hit the ground? What has this bird been eating? But also, I'd heard every time I see it, they're like a friend of my mother and father-in-law. Every time I see them,

I insist that they tell me this story again because I love it so much. And then the last time they told me it, they told me that the invite had said on it, fancy dress. And in America, that means black tie. What? So she went as Medusa and he was a cowboy. So he's literally, who's this cowboy think he is?

He's the roughest cowboy in the West. Give me an armful of wasabi i'll eat it that's so funny also what's so bad is i remember the first time when i had wasabi being really bemused so you can imagine making that mistake it's very plausible it's just so bad yeah thinking it's mushy peas or but at a fancy party and then you've got a... Yeah. And, I mean, you're already on the back foot when everyone else is in dicky bows and you've got your six irons.