Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep42: Loremen S3 Ep42 - Dana Alexander - Luna the Orca

Episode Date: October 15, 2020

Comedian and genuine Canadian Dana Alexander takes us 'neath the waves of the legendary Pacific Northwest (or Pacific Southwest from Canada's point of view). The Nootka Sound was once home to an orphaned Killer Whale called Luna who just wanted attention from sailors. Hey, we've all been there. This episode also features some dodgy Canadian accent work from James and Alasdair, you betcha.   Loreboys nether say die! ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK | @ComedianDana

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And James, remember you told me a story about a whale last week? Oh yeah, a massive stinky whale. Well, I've got another whale for you, pal. Whoa! And as well as a whale, I've got another whale for you, pal. Whoa. As well as a whale, I've got the comedian

Dana Alexander, who's bringing us the Canadian tale of Luna the Whale. The Canadian tale of Luna the Whale? I didn't mean to rhyme, but it happened. Yeah. Listener, please take note. Dana is a hard-working comic and she joined us after a gig, so there's a little bit of venue background noise. Yes, and this was recorded

at a point when that wasn't illegal. Don't shop her in, come on. There's bigger fish to fry. Bigger whales, at least two whales to fry. James, how are you feeling in yourself? Uh, all right. Perpetually tired, of course. Well, you've got two children, haven't you? Yeah, they're fast. Did you tell me that one of your children was in trouble for stealing a Swiss roll? It was an Arctic roll and it was more extorted than stolen. You're really splitting hairs there.

Oh, it was an Arctic roll. He defrauded the dinner lady and got an Arctic roll, which he wasn't allowed because we're trying to limit his dairy. Right. I've got to say that criminal tendencies at that age, they tend to magnify over time. It's like that advert, isn't it? You wouldn't defraud a dinner lady for a Swiss roll.

You wouldn't take a handbag. Just two words for you, James. Slippery slope. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, thin end of the Arctic roll wedge. Keep an eye on him. Your criminal offspring. Yes.

Your felonious progeny aside. Yeah. I've got a deputy law person for you. Oh, yeah. Are you excited about that? Yeah, I am, actually. It is a Canadian person. We've never had a Canadian on the podcast before, to my knowledge.

Ooh. Ooh, did you hear that? Yeah. That is the sound of a Canadian woo. It is deputy law person Dana Alexander. Hello, Dana. Hello, Dana.ana hello how are you everybody i'm so delighted to have you on the podcast i've wanted to have you on the podcast

for ages how come you didn't ask then yeah i know it's just admin isn't it i hate sending emails hate sending emails and as a representative of uh of canada i just looked on a map for research it's quite big i know there's only about 10 people there, but it's a big country. I think Canada is 40 times bigger than the UK. Wozes. Easily. We're massive. It takes about six, seven hours to fly across our country west to east.

But you live here now, is that right? Yeah, I moved to England in 2011. My mother's born in London. My grandmother as well. People can disagree with me, but London is the centre of the world. Really? It is. Even more than New York, which I think that's the appropriate pronunciation. Yeah, way more than New York. Think of all the direct flights that go from New York to, you're always going to connect in London. Oh, right. I feel like it

is what you make it. I had a great day yesterday. You just got to take it day by day. Was it a very London-themed day? Because you can have great days in lots of places. For example, the Chiltons. Well, you know, it was nice. I'm not usually around kids, but I went to go visit my little cousins. And I forgot his birthday last month. So I came over with £20, and he wanted to buy some game.

I don't know. what do you call it the qx or something like that cex i think yeah cex yeah it is canonically pronounced sex as well they made an advert sex yeah i am forever telling my wife that i need to go down the sex shop and but also can james just for your edification can can I point out that Dana's nephew was planning to buy something from a shop there? Not just take the thing that he wanted, but to actually buy it using money. Yeah, sounds like a square to me. Yeah, and it was a good day. I played basketball.

I haven't held a basketball in years. We went to the park. We played some word charade games. And anyways, we had a really good time. I did call a gym in leicester thinking it was in leicester square it does sound lovely but these all sound like things that you could be doing in new york shut up in new york no what with the with the yellow taxis honking you could be playing basketball you could go into the park and you could have been playing charades with an

elderly man on a marble bench no you can only play chess with an elderly man in parks in new york i've seen films new york's a hard city like black people are in therapy like you know it's hard so do you know any black people in therapy in london i'm from northeastern england which i'm not saying is comparable to being black in london but that means that i grew up not knowing anybody who goes to therapy or go skiing and now i live in london and everybody I know works in the media so everyone goes to therapy and everyone goes skiing and it's just I think skiing might be the problem I literally I went there's a gig in the French Alps that I did and last time I went I went all the way down the hill

and then then I went up this other hill because they just stop you so you don't just keep going oh that's clever motion yeah right so they put another hill at the you so you don't just keep going. Oh, that's clever. So they put another hill at the bottom so you don't just shoot off into the sea. Yeah, just the extra snow. So you go up that hill and then I just planted and then my skis were up and I've never seen French people laugh. I was like, help me! They were laughing

so hard and they wouldn't help me. And then I said, aide moi! That'll win them over. I hate that story because it involves you being injured, which makes me sad, but it also involves French people enjoying themselves, which makes me angry. At my pain, of course.

That's the two things I hate the most. Dana, you've brought a story with you from Canada. In fact, from the Pacific Northwest, that most spooky of podcast zones. It's weird that you would say Northwest because Vancouver is pretty south. We're almost- Well, it's the Northwest of America, so that's why they call it that. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's the Southwest of Canada. And Marocentric. I have to say, James, Dana has brought a story which i have been privy to and it and content warning trigger warning for listeners this is the saddest story we've ever done on lawmen i've got very sort of after school special in my tone this is a very special lawman and it's quite sad so your eyebrows james are sort of puckering up in a sort of eugene levy kind of way you're looking at first first Canadian actor with eyebrows I could think of. Get your tissues.

Yes, be ready. Just for a bit of context, James, this is an area called the Nootka Sound, I think it is, a fairly small inlet off the Pacific. And that is an area where killer whales usually aren't. Right. They normally move in pods. Yeah. And then completely inexplicably, a single, very young killer whale turned up.

Like a Nemo. Remember Finding Nemo? She pulled a Nemo, except for that was actually negligence in the Disney story when he lost the kid. But this orca just decided. And actually, I'll tell you an interesting thing. The story of Luna. Luna, there was a name. Because she was known as L81, I think it was.

Or L77. Yeah, L81. I should jump in. Luna actually turned out to be a boy. But at the time that she or he was named Luna, they didn't know. So they had a competition to name Luna. And the winner was a little eight-year-old girl who named Luna because the moon explored the earth and Luna explores the sea. So she ran away from her

original pod. Then they found her with another pod suckling off of another orca that was not her mother. And then she just went on by herself. And she ended up just in this one harbor where people do a lot of boating. And she clearly looking for attention clearly needing love probably underfed and she just basically was like a like you'd just be boating in vancouver and this killer whale would come up and just out of the water just want you to pet it and she just loved loved loved loved loved humans there are stories of people like getting up you know stroking her tongue doing all of the sort of free willy type stuff. Basically, yeah, she needed love. So she just kind of became, I don't want to say domesticated, but what happened was the Department of Wildlife, Nature and Wildlife,

decided that if you want to be a friend to these whales, you have to leave them alone because human interaction is what causes injury and death. So there was a big whole thing. This is the point where it starts to border on the legendary so there's a first nations band called the moachet moochalot band which i think is word that is the correct word we would probably say tribe slightly wrong yeah a tribe would be a band those guys formed an extraordinary attachment to to luna they they determined that luna was actually reincarnate a reincarnated um chief from their band that had died so they would actually guard luna in canoes

24 7 so that they couldn't relocate her and then eventually they decided to just leave luna alone but then there was this whole thing because they were trying to get luna out of the vein and get her to be able to sustain herself get her with another whale pod um so they actually have people guarding luna to not pet her oh so people yeah so this poor whale is so lonely by itself and there's people literally telling them and it's so funny she'll be telling them don't pet luna because they always pretend they have boat trouble right where luna is right so that they can pet her and they were i think the fine was a hundred thousand dollars if you got caught touching luna but really yeah and and it was i think a couple of people were prosecuted well if you got boat money you could pay the fine well canadians it's a little bit different boats in canada i think, you know... Oh, okay.

I think it's a working harbour. I think a lot of them are fishing boats. And the people who were interviewed all sound sort of like, I'm picturing sort of grizzled Canadians, like, oh, we're going out on the boats there. This is my grizzled Canadian voice. Or like 45-year-old white lady who found her native spirit when she was 35 in a teepee when she was doing the smokehouse thing, yeah.

You say that about these grizzled Canadian workmen, but... Grizzled Canadians. Aren't they the people that were like, oh, yeah, lobsters, nothing, mate. We eat lobster all the time. Yeah, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland. Yeah, they're just like, oh, yeah, we'll knock back a few lobsters. They don't sound like the grizzled workmen.

The thing is, if you were a man working in a lobster fishery and you showed up with a lobster sandwich to school, that was a sign that you were poor. Really? Your dad was catching your meal, yeah. So it was a sign of poverty. Imagine. It's like oysters used to be like that in London, I think.

Poor people food. Really? Interesting. But then a lot of the best meats have been, look, the best kind of meat I feel on a cow is the oxtail. And the only reason it developed in Jamaican cuisine is because that was the part they threw out. And then they developed. This is actually quite a beautiful cut of meat. Now it's one of the most expensive cuts of meat that you can get off the animal.

I remember the pork belly explosion, which sounds worse than it is, but it was... Sounds like a local newspaper headline, what you just said. Pork belly used to be well cheap, and now people have started eating it, and it's really expensive. I feel like we should drop in some of the names, which I'm probably going to mispronounce, with enormous apologies. The patriarch of the Mowatchet Mouchalit band,

his name was Ambrose Makina, and he died in 2001. And the word was that after he had died, he had told friends... No, not after he died, before he died, the conventional time for saying things. He told friends, when I go home, meaning when I die, I want to come back as a kakawin, which is the word for orca. Orca. And then he died just as Luna appeared in the bay.

And it's really strange for a baby to go away from its mother. And especially from a food source twice. Like this whale is clearly also an American refugee. I suspect at the moment Canada is housing quite a few people moving north out of fear. Oh no, we're like battle axes. Get back to your country.

No, we've literally turned into you guys. Oh no. The story of how they um first nation band guided the whale is pretty extraordinary so the whatever it is the fisheries people that the animal welfare guys were planning to i think airlift the the whale or at least try and shepherd the whale out to the pacific to meet its pod and mike mckina the son of ambrose was interviewed before that saying, and people were

sort of saying, are you going to protest this or disrupt it? And I think he said something like, we're going to bring down a storm, sort of with a smile, and people thought he was joking. But on the day that they were supposed to begin this, as Dana said, they appeared with a line of boats. Canoes. Canoes, and led the orca away to sort of a little hiding place further down the Sound. And there was sort of a standoff that lasted for several days. And in the end, the orca stayed. Which is something quite magical about it. But at the same time, people weren't allowed to pet it.

And it had sort of formed its own pod with the boats and humans that it lived with. And then it became against the law for people to have any kind of intercourse with it. Interaction. Interaction, I think, is the word i wanted was it still legal no no as usual no um the whale dies james is the sad yeah they were right human contact yeah the the more interaction a whale has with humans, the shorter his life, apparently, statistically. Do you want to know what happens? Band-aid off, quick or slow? Did it try to get up on the beach and walk like a human, like a real one? No.

Thank you for trying to find something amusing in this. It got too close to a boat and it was pulled into the propellers. And, like, minced up, eviscerated don't say that dana poor little james's face i looked at a couple of the other uh nootka legends which belong to that area in the hope that they would be less tragic than the story of luna and a couple of really nice just little ones they they tell stories of matlos i'm going to quote from an anthropological book from 1883, but I've chosen a bit which doesn't sound particularly racist,

so fingers crossed. And Matlos is a famous hobgoblin of the Nootkas. He is a very caliban of spirits. His head is like the head of something that might have been a man, but is not. His uncouth bulk is horrid with black bristles. His monstrous teeth and nails are like the fangs and claws of a bear. Whoever hears his terrible voice falls like one smitten, is horrid with black bristles. His monstrous teeth and nails are like the fangs and claws of a bear. Oh.

Whoever hears his terrible voice falls like one smitten and his curved claws render prey into morsels with a single stroke. That does actually sound like the X-Man Wolverine. It does sound like Wolverine.

Yeah, you're right. He's from Alberta, my province. Did you know that? Really? Is Wolverine Canadian? I didn't know that. Yeah, because Wolverines are indigenous to Alberta.

Although Hugh Jackman's head does resemble a person's head albeit slightly smaller. There's also the Basket Ogres who is it's a fascinating example of what might be parallel evolution. Oh yeah. Because it's basically the story of Hansel and Gretel but a different variation on it. So the Basket Ogres is a giant woman with a basket on her back. And if you behave badly and you're a kid, she'll come and pop you in a basket

and then take you away and eat you. And she only eats children. She doesn't eat the grownups. Of course, the meat's the most tender. There's a variety of stories where kids get taken in the basket. This is all part of an oral tradition, so they're all different.

But essentially, it's the same story. She pops them down in the basket and then starts her fire and putting big rocks on her fire to heat the rocks up in order to roast the children. But then she makes the classic mistake that a villain always makes, which is that she sings a little song about how she's going to eat the children and dances around the fire, singing a song about,

I'm going to roast the children. Oh, that's clever. I'm going to roast the children. I'm just improvising there. And she gets dizzy. And the kids see their opportunity. They push her onto the fire and then they grab a forked tree root to pin her to the fire. And that is a detail that I really appreciate.

It's not just pushing an old witch into an oven and then closing the door. It's actually pinning her to the ground. I think it's time for the scores, James. Are you emotionally in the right place to score this? Yeah. Are you emotionally in the right place to score this? Yeah. I mean, I fear you're going to get,

potentially get higher scores just because I want to bring some happiness back into the world after hearing such a tragic tale of whales gone wrong. Adopt a whale. Adopt a whale. But don't pet it. Don't touch that whale, James. Okay.

Have you ever kissed a dolphin? No, I'm black. But we don't do that nonsense. That's not true. That was a good joke, whether it's true or not. While we're on the subject of the magic of sea creatures, James, the first category is

supernatural. How supernatural was this story? And think about how the magic that you felt in your heart when you heard about luna it's been teed up for me as being one of the saddest stories yet so yes i was i was apprehensive the whole time i thought it was going to be that the orca was attacking the boats no the orca was completely innocent was sinking people even though it's american it was peaceful this time so the supernatural it's American, it was peaceful. This time. So the supernatural, I guess,

is that it was the reincarnation of the band's leader. The band chief, yes. The band chief. Yeah. Also, I threw in a couple of, I threw in a little goblin man and I threw in a giant ogre with a basket. Oh, yeah, the basket lady. You know, so you've got value for money there.

Wolverine claws. And they've got a raven and a mink who get into hijinks. A raven and a mink? A raven and a mink who get into hijinks. A raven and a mink? A raven and a mink. You rarely see them together in nature, but they both have adventures. Oh, I think it's three though. You give me a ghost orca coming back and

exacting revenge on all those boats. Yeah, okay. We'll wait until the hauntings begin. So it's a three. Fair enough. Fair enough. It wasn't that supernatural. The next category is names. And I didn't even tell you that it's Suxit. It was the name given to Luna by the First Nations band. Suxit. That's a nice word, yeah.

We've got the Muachet Muchalit band. That's a good name. We've got the Nootka Sound. Nootka Sound, yes. The Pacific Northwest. PNW, yeah. Matloss is kind of... Matloss.

Yeah, it's like Matlock, but not as good. And Matlock, if you've been, that's pretty bad. I was thinking of the TV series rather than the Midland Town, but yeah. Yeah, I was too. I was like, oh. And we've got... Nothing is worse than Skanthor. I was thinking of The Heights of Abraham, which is a very disappointing day out.

I don't know where The Heights of Abraham are. They're on the top of a hill. Right. Near Matlock. Thanks. We don't know where the heights of Abraham are. They're on the top of a hill. Right. Near Matlock. Thanks. We've got Donna Schneider. Oh, yeah. She's a woman who liked the whale.

She was very upset about the fact that people were being asked to stay away because she was like, nobody's asking the whale what the whale wants. That's true. That's probably because it's... And just like us, we have to start learning more languages in this country as well. We're not going to learn whale. We've got to learn French first. You must be able to find a way to speak Orca.

I think people study it. You all study everything, trying to go to the moon and all of this. I'm not trying to go to the moon. Are you pinning that on me and James specifically? I can speak a little bit of dolphin, though. I remember when I was very young and we went to Windsor Safari Park and we went to watch the dolphin show. And beforehand, the dolphins were swimming around.

I went up to it and I did my dolphin impression, which, if you'll allow me. Oh, very good. What did you say? Well, then the dolphin sort of swam off. And then during the show, it messed up its big trick so i wonder what i'd said maybe i'd slagged off its nan or it comes back or it comes back with a pizza a wet pizza they're very rough skinned though um dolphins by the way oh what i thought

it looked they look so slippery and smooth. That's what you think but no they're rough and it's that sort of whatever you know what wetsuit material is neoprene or whatever. I always imagined

sort of wet Emery board. Have I already pitched my Emery board memory stick combo? Yes you have. Yeah. Last time I mentioned Emery boards on the podcast.

I'm always looking for I'm looking for investors. It's a good business idea. I like that. I just, I know you like to rhyme. Not enough to write a full rap. Oh no. Make an invention.

Please don't get James. James is always trying to rap on the podcast. Really? My name is Luna and I'm here to say, I wish you would touch me every day. That's very sad. A very sad rap. From the point of view of a sad killer whale.

What was the question? I'm going to press you for a score in the category of names. Two. Oh, come on. I think that's very, I'm very offended on behalf of Canada. Yes. The names were fantastic. They were rich names.

They were not funny names. Sucks it. That is actually. Sucks it is not a. That's kind of a funny name. Yeah. Quit your job as a comedian. Way ahead of you.

You're like those people on Come Dine With Me that mark everybody low just so they can win. Two. I know who you are. I know who you are. There you go, Luna. I hope you're happy. You deserve it. Just the worst, James. I hope you're happy. You deserve it. Just the

worst, James. You're the worst. Alright, next category is no petting. Oh, yes. In the sense of, you know those signs you get in swimming pools where they say no dunking, no bombing, no running, no petting. Yeah, or no heavy petting. No heavy petting, which does suggest light petting is accepted. Yeah.

In the pool? Yeah. Yeah. Do you get those in Canada? They have a sign saying the things you can't do in a swimming pool? You guys like to do some things. You guys like to... You know what I did see? One time I saw absolutely no alcohol written on a school bus.

In Cardiff. I was like... Absolutely no alcohol. You're only seven, for f***'s sakes. This is absolutely low alcohol. Can I not have it? No. It's just an alco-pop.

Come on, miss. They're for kids. I imagine alcohol is mandatory on Canadian school buses. Just a little nip of whiskey as you get on. Only if your grandma gives it to you and your hot cocoa before you get on. Just wrap them up warm it to you and your hot cocoa before you get on. Just wrap them up warm, give them a little Irish cocoa,

send them off. Good luck. Do it. Hope you come back. We're all a bit Irish in Canada as well. Even me. Yeah? Yes, I'm one-eighth Irish.

Cork, Crowley, great-grandfather, obviously. That makes you more Irish than me, which is a surprise. Really? We suspect there's Irish on the Catholic side of the family. But we don't have it. Why?

For the listener's benefit, I look like a cartoon of an Irishman. So, James, no petting. You weren't allowed to pet the whale. Yeah. It sounds like a reverse Jaws type plot. Yeah, well, they want the shark there. No, no, no, no, no, no. It is Finding Nemo if the French

made it. We don't care. Do what you want to do. So what's the score for... We've made a convincing case for heavy petting. It's the heaviest pet I've ever heard of. And considering we're talking about the tragic case of an

orca that got too chummy with the boat oh sorry that was quite a good pun that was a good pun but it made me sad yeah this is the least vegan episode we've ever recorded definitely yeah it's five out of five for heavy petting yes finally a decent score and the last category is just. Don't try and tell me it's not sad, James. Come on, black lives matter. Black and white. It's a work of art.

Do we need to let the listener know that Dana is definitely black so they can make that joke? How can you not tell? Because I've said you're Canadian so everyone's going to assume

you're an incredibly white person. But I don't talk like this though. Do I sound like everybody else from Canada? I'm Canada Black. Canada Black. That's my accent. Do Americans know that Canadian actors and other celebrities,

do they know that they're Canadian? Can they tell from the voice? Like Mike Myers and people, they don't sound very Canadian. Myers, Michael J. Fox. Ryan Reynolds is Canadian, isn't he? Dan Aykroyd and John Candy. They both have that kind of clipped kind of, oh, hello, kind of voice. They've got that kind of thing going on. Eugene Levy has it too.

Dursley. So I think there's some people who are definitely Canadian. You're like, oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure, guy, he's Canadian. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, it's funny, though. I get cast, like, I just did a pilot, and they literally cast me because of my accent,

but it was for an American pilot, so... Congratulations. Oh, well, they didn't make it. Perfect segue back to sadness. Sadness, ever so sad. The final category. This is very sad Dana's pilot didn't get made. That's annoying.

It's the saddest whale story since Free Willy. It's like not Free Willy. Yeah, Caged Willy. Don't call it Caged Willy, though. I'm sorry, I've already entered Caged Willy into the ledger. It's a lesson we've learned so many times, that the real monster was Canadians. It's boat propellers.

It's men in boats. Yeah, I would leave women out of this. Yeah, and I think the bit where it was legislated against anyone being nice to it, that was... I'm going to have to press you for a number there, James. How many tears? How many tears have you cried? Four tears. Four?

How could it have been sadder? How could it have been sadder? Four tears. Two from each eye and a little bit of snot out the nose, making five. Yes. We got it.

Yes. We got it. Thank you. That's a fair score. I just want to say thank you to Dana, who listeners presumably assume that you're normally someone who brings extremely sad, tragic stories of violent animal death, but you're actually a stand-up comedian

who mostly does really funny jokes and things. Unless you go on my Facebook. My Facebook is typically very angry yes it's always the first thing in the morning i'm like what did they do today let me tell everybody about it so how can people find you and follow you if you want if they want to hear either comedy or righteous fury i live in enfield um Okay, so basically, Comedian Dana on Twitter and Instagram, or you can follow me at Dana Alexander. That's the real Facebook.

I might not let you in, but there is a fan page that's just Dana Alexander. Yeah, you should probably plug the fan page rather than your personal Facebook. Yeah, the fan page, unless you want to know my crazy stuff. Stop plugging your own thing. I'll tell you about some wild stuff on my Facebook. Yeah, a fan page. Unless you want to know my crazy stuff. Stop plugging your own thing. I'll tell you about some wild stuff on my Facebook. Don't stop trying to get people to join you on Facebook. You did not know? Please don't add Dana's personal Facebook.

You have been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. With guest lawperson, Dana Alexander. If you would like more law boys up in your grill, we are doing a Halloween live stream on the 29th of October. 2020. 2020. At 9pm Greenwich Mean Time.

The baddest of all the time. What can we promise them, James? Ghosts, ghouls, spectres, apparitions. Yes. And you're going to find out great-grandad Shakespeare's name. I'm very excited. And it is not a human name. human name.

James, remember last week you told me a story about a whale? Oh yeah, do I? Big dead whale. Yeah, well I see your big dead whale and I raise you yet another whale. Whoa, I think more like you smell my big dead whale from the sound of it. That is true, but I don't know if I want to put the phrase, you smell my Big Dead Whale in the podcast. If you're doing the Lawmen drinking day. If you had smell my Big Dead Whale, drink now. Did you used to listen to read along books when you were a kid?

Oh, yes. Like when you hear this noise, turn the page. Do you remember them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do, yeah. I had that of the Goonies. You had a... Genuinely did yeah, I do, yeah. I had that of the Goonies. You had a... Genuinely did. You've spoken many times about the novelisation of the Goonies.

You had a read-along novelisation of the Goonies. I've just remembered that, yeah, and it had a thing. So when you get the book of a film, you're not even prepared to read the book. You need the book read to you via tape. Yes, yes. It was already a film, James. Yeah, I know. I know.

It was for... The work had been done for you. I guess it was for kids whose parents worked late. There I was in my pirate bed, which is a bunk bed for lonely children. And in essence, with my Teddy Ruxpin as a surrogate parent. Really sad. Yeah, it is a bit sad, isn't it? Hope this story cheers me up.

Wait, wait. Are you thinking this is going to go in the intro do you think we've got time for a teddy rookspin aside the music is 20 seconds long how can you not know this make it longer rookspin needs to breathe