Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep48: Loremen S3 Ep48 - The Sea Beasts of Shetland

Episode Date: December 3, 2020

Alasdair leads us off the beaten track and across the sea to the northernmost part of the UK: the Shetland Islands. Prepare yourself for a veritable ‘Who’s Who‘ of sea monsters, a ‘Where’s That‘ of obscure place-names and a ‘Why’s This‘ of supposedly Scottish accents. Watch out for an unexpected number of bees, and learn how intimidating Norwegian applause can get… Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK  

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And I've got a little Scandi-Noir mystery for you from Shetland. In Scotland. Okay, so that'll be Scotty-Noir. Sounds like a spin-off from Star Trek, the original series. Scotty-noir mystery for you from Shetland. In Scotland. Okay, so that would be Scotty-noir. Sounds like a spin-off from Star Trek, the original series. Scotty-noir.

Like a little Grey Fries Bobby noir. Oh. Adorable, mysterious. A Hamish MacDeath. That's very good. I bring you the Sea Beasts of Shetland. Ooh, I like the sound of it. Was that the waves cracking?

That's the waves crashing, yes. Crashing. Not cracking. Crashing. So, James Shakespeare, I think you know where this story began because you sent me through the post a book called Ancient Monuments, Volume 6, Scotland. Yes. This book was published by the Ministry of Works. Oh, yeah, the Ministry of Works. Which is the thing I have never heard of.

It sounds made up. It sounds like it belongs in Gilliam's Brazil or something like that. Yeah, there's the Ministry of Works next door there's the ministry of no play and next door down is the doll boy factory it starts with a glossary some books end with a glossary but they know you're going to need it so they put it page one the glossary and it's got some absolutely cracking architectural terms and scott's words like um an ombre which is a small cupboard within the thickness of a wall oh yeah a balmkin A balmkin, which is a Scottish enclosure. A donjon, which is the strongest tower of a medieval castle.

The strongest tower. Donjon. I think it was a guy called John was going to attack the strongest bit of the castle and his mate went, donjon, don. My favourite, of course, the groin vault, which is a gothic vault without ribs. Groin vault. Oh, yeah. Mine doesn't have ribs the best thing

about this book is it comes with an amazing yellowed and mold covered map of scotland i mean i'm sure it wasn't yellowed and mold covered when it was new but it is now i don't know if the listener can hear but listen that's a good map you're hearing there yes when i saw i saw that book in the local charity shop when i saw it had a secret flap at the back with a map in it. I knew there was only one person that was going to be receiving that. You know I'm the kind of guy who gets very excited when there's a map at the start of a book, but a map in a flap. And the names, it being Scotland, the names for the monuments,

things like Inchmahoon Prairie and Edsel Castle. Oh, nice. And these accents are not accurate. These are general Radio 4 Scottish accents performed by an English actor. But my eye went straight to the Shetland Islands because the Shetland Islands are not even properly on the map. They're in that little box, which if you ever looked at the map of the UK, you know the way the Shetland Islands appear in their own separate box.

Yes, as if to say, we're not sure where they are this is what that you look like when you get there but we don't know how to get there and so i started looking into the sea beasts of shetland the sea beast of shetland yeah or rather the sea beasts of the sea around shetland oh yeah that makes more sense i feel like shetland requires some context because it is a strange and amazing place. Technically, it's part of Scotland, but it's slap bang in the middle of the Norwegian Sea. It's as close to Bergen in Norway as it is to Edinburgh or Glasgow. Right.

So it's very not Scottish in lots of ways. It's very its own thing. It's far, isn't it? It's really far. It's in the middle of nowhere. And it's been inhabited for ages. If you Google Jarlshof, J-A-R-L-S-H-O-F, Jarlshof is a site which has been occupied for over 4,000 years. And it is an amazing sort of honeycomb ruin from 4,000 years ago up to the 17th century. So it's a

hodgepodge of different architectural styles all sort of piled on top of one another oh and it's absolutely amazing that sounds fun shetland itself which is a series of islands has a reputation for being completely treeless which may have been true around the turn of the 20th century but trees are coming back but it is still largely without trees so it is a in the middle of the ocean a windswept island is is shetland is that the wicker man the original the wicker man is, a windswept island. Is Shetland, is that the Wicker Man? The original The Wicker Man? Is that a kind of Menabee or Shetland Island type place? No, that's a Hebridean island, so that is off the northwest coast. Ah, and this is northeast?

Well, yeah, it's so far off the coast it's in the middle of the sea. It's even further. But it's more original Wicker Man than Nicolas Cage Wicker Man. Yeah, yeah, it's still more authentic than the Nicolas Cage version. Although I've not seen it all i know is he doesn't like bees he does not like bees he's not a b guy why would you give him bees it's too many bees it's not the expected number of bees clearly he's very upset about the bees that's all i know i've got to be honest most of my research about shetland comes from the television show Shetland. Have you watched that, James? I've not watched the television show Shetland. Shetland the TV show is about a cop called Jimmy Perez. Jimmy

Shetland. Who can't express emotions. And the more emotions he has, the quieter he becomes. And he says things like, I don't want to see you on Shetland ever again. And it's great. And there's a murder there about once a week. Oh no. There's one character in it called Sandy and he speaks really weirdly. Like most of them have normal Scottish accents and there's a bit where Sandy has to say,

put him in the boat. And what he says is, put him in the boat. When I do it, it comes a bit Ugandan. Put him in the boat. And it's a crazy accent. And I immediately twigged. I thought, that is an English actor doing a Scottish accent. Because I think, I don't know, I'm half Scottish.

I think I can tell when an English actor is pretending to be Scottish and absolutely overdoing it in a variety of ways. Put him in the boite. Put him in the boite. So I googled it. And the actor who plays Sandy is from Shetland. Oh. And that accent that I thought was a made-up, ridiculous,

fake Scottish accent is actually the Shetland accent. Oh. So, yeah, egg on my face. Egg on your face. According to ShetlandDialect.org, it's heavily influenced by the Norn language,

which is like an old Germanic language. It's Old Norse. It died out in the mid-19th century. It's got weird quirks, like their god of the sea is called the Seam, or as they have it, Da Sea Mudder. And I can't not read that in like a Brooklyn accent, like Da Sea Mudder. Da Sea Mudder. Uganda Shetland.

Why did you call my mother? Like, you is do. And I told Rachel, my lover and confidant, that. And she said, do is do. So they would say, how do do do? Yes, I is do. So they would say, how do do do? Yes, I guess. I guess they would say, how do do do? From Da Rabbit's Lullaby, which is, it sounds so hip hop.

Telling someone to lie down would be, you would say, lay de doon. Lay de doon? Yeah, lie you down. But if you want to be emphatic, you would say, lay do de doon. Do do do do de doon. So that's if you mean business. A saying from Shetland is da moose kens when da cat is oot da hoose again i'm not doing the accent which is the mouse knows when

the cat is out of house oh the mouse yeah not the moose right how would a moose know why would it care is more the thing exactly moose would just go oh cat's gone out of cat flap i'm going to continue to be a moose when the cat's away away, the moose is indifferent. Yeah. But it's party time for the mouse. Yeah. So it's odd. Have you been to Norway? Norway. Very nice.

Nice, Geordie answer. No, I've been to Iceland. That's the only one of those sort of cold places I've been to. Oh, no, I went to Sweden. That's still not Norway. Still not Norway, but it's a good try. Yeah, good effort. I gigged in Haugesund, which is a little way south of Bergen.

And this is an example of Norse weirdness. Have I told you how they clap in Haugesund, which is a little way south of Bergen. And this is an example of Norse weirdness. Have I told you how they clap in Haugesund? No, but if they're clicking their fingers, I'm walking. It's not quite that bad. But they start out clapping normally, like... All right, a good gig, was it? That was amazing! Yeah, it wasn't like Queen at at live aid but it was lots of but then after a

short while they they get in sync with each other oh that sounds intimidating so it goes from to which if that happened in the uk that would that would be like we don't like you or it would mean yeah encore it would mean something and so i asked the person running it and she explained that's just how they clap in norway they're just good at clapping and good at getting in sync well it's so weird i was just listening to a recording of tom lara's songs from 1967 in sweden and it's the same so maybe it's i don't know if it's across all of scandinavia i don't know if it's dying out. But they start out going... Just random claps.

And then quickly form into... The showrunner's explanation for it was that it was an example of Scandinavian conformity, that they didn't like the clapping in their own time, so everyone syncs up and claps at the same time. Does it get faster and faster like it does in Britain? No, because... Yeah, that's the worst thing about English people.

We will clap along to music. But then we just... we don't want to listen to the whole thing come on come on get it done get it done we'll clap along but we will not keep time at all no we will speed up like it's the circus get it done whereas the norwegians i don't know it seems to like a bit of a kill the pig spill its blood kill the pig is a lord of the flies reference there i was lucky to escape with my life you broke your glasses though i can't believe you've cast me as piggy and lord of the flies i would have thought i'd be one of the choir like the tough guys if i'd gone to private school which i didn't't, folks, because I'm relatable. I didn't, but I sound like I did. So that's Shetland.

In honour of the TV show, I've got some suspects for you. The Sea Beasts of Shetland. And my question to you is, which do you think affrighted the sailors the most? Right. I like this. I like the mystery format. So my main source for this is Kings Hill and Westwood's excellent book, The Fabled Coast. So first suspect, this is an easy one, is the Yell Mermaid. The Yell Mermaid? Yeah, so what you need to know

for this is that Yell is the name of one of the islands of Shetland. Not just a very shouty mermaid. And in 1823, a fishing boat near Yell captured a mermaid. Oh. Apparently it got entangled in the lines and it was brought ashore. It was three feet long and it had a body like that of a woman, I'm quoting here, with breasts and the lower part like a dogfish's tail. The face and neck were short and monkey-like with a low forehead but distinct lips. And on the top of its head it had a crest of shoulder-length bristles, which apparently it could raise or lower.

So they must have caught it while it was alive. There's a very nice drawing of it where it looks like Christopher Walken, the top half of Christopher Walken. The top half of Christopher Walken, but the bottom half of a dogfish, to be fair. A baboobed Christopher Walken. Oh, a baboobed Walken, yes. Yes. Merry Christmas. Is it what you wanted? It's

a baboobed Christopher Walken, so yes. So Westwood and Kingshill quote a Mr Edmonston, who noted that a very peculiar animal has been taken, no one can doubt. It was seen and handled by six men on one occasion, and for some time, not one of whom dreams of a doubt of its being a mermaid. The mermaid is not an object of terror to the fishermen. It is rather a welcome guest, and danger is apprehended only from its experiencing bad treatment. It is quite impossible that under the circumstances, six Shetland fishermen could commit such a mistake. So the

consensus seems to be that the mermaid was harmless, even friendly. But everyone seems to think that it was a genuine thing that was found. So some marine oddity was pulled ashore. But nobody's quite sure what. And whether or not it had the face of Christopher Walken is a mystery this podcast cannot answer. So that's the first suspect, the meek and mild mermaid. Too briny. I'm in the sea. Not briny. I'm into sea.

Not briny enough. I got tangled in your lines. Can either of us do an impression of Christopher Walken? No. It's quite hard. So, Detective Shakespeare, what's your impression of the first suspect? Not very scary for these fishermen. I think one or more than one of them may have had relations with mermaids.

I wouldn't rule it out. There were six of them. Gets lonely on those fisherman boats. And the unfortunate thing about Shetland is no trees to provide cover for whatever you're getting up to. Right. So you've got to do it in the sea. Yeah.

With whatever you find. I'm not sure we can stand by that accusation. Probably a manatee. Second suspect, the sea trows. The sea trousers? Not quite. Trows. T-R-O-W's. Probably a manatee. Second suspect, the sea trows. The sea trousers? Not quite. Trows, T-R-O-Ws, that basically means sea troll. Oh.

But you're not picturing the right thing if you're picturing the classic Norwegian troll, although it does come from the Norwegian name. They're basically sea fairies. Like sea monkeys? Not quite. They're people, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful people who live under the sea in a little kingdom, which is its own pocket of air. So they can't breathe water.

They're not mermaids. And the only way they can get from that kingdom to ours is by donning the cloak of an amphibious animal, like a seal. They're compared to like Irish Selkies, who are sort of seal fairies. Also the Blue Men of Minch. Oh, the Blue Men of Minch. Which are the Outer Hebridean fairies. Also the Blue Men of Minch. Oh, the Blue Men of Minch. Which are the Outer Hebridean version of it, the Blue Men of Minch. The original Blue Men group.

And this story of a sea trowel comes from Papastore, which is a small island, one of the small Shetland islands. The Papastore? The Papastore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dad shop. Yeah, exactly. It's where you get all sort of stocking fillers and gadgets. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Windscreen wipers. A remote control that does everything. Yes. Like a little football top for your mug. Yeah. Absolute rubbish. Papa's store. What I like about Papa's store is it's very small,

and the name of the village on it is Biggings. But it's not Biggings. It's Littleings. I always find that when I'm on the London Overground and it goes through whopping, it basically says the platform at this station is too short so move down. This station is whopping.

Whopping meaning big. I say aloud to Rachel, my lover and confidant, it's not even that big every single time. Yeah, me too. In response. I think it in my head. Can't be that big. Who is the real monster? So Samuel Hibbert in 1822 referred to the sea troughs as the sons and daughters of the sea.

The story begins with a seal clubber on Veskeres, which is west of Papastore. There are rocks which are even so small that nobody lives on them, except seals. But not for long, because the seal clubbers alive and killed them and skinned them and took their coats. But they left behind the protagonist of this tale, one seal clubber who was stranded on the rock to make matters worse after they'd gone he saw a fleet of seals approaching the island right who turned out to in fact be sea troughs as they came out of the ocean they shed their seal skins and revealed their beautiful human bodies and they revived their skinned comrades who came back to life but lamented the loss of their seal skins because without their seal skins they will be outcasts

they'll never be allowed to return they couldn't get back home their exiles this is like that fox and the chicken and the corn puzzle isn't it yeah but a disgusting sort of fleshy version of yeah because you can't leave seals with the seal clubber. Yeah, what are you going to do? I think the answer is kill the seal clubber. Well, they didn't actually, though he must have been... He must have been awkward. He must have been awkward, yeah.

So according to Westwood and Kingshill, there was a sea trow named Olivitinus. That sounds like a made-up medicine in a shampoo. To me, it sounds like a deficiency disease. From not having enough olives. And she offered the seal clubber a shampoo. To me, it sounds like a deficiency disease. From not having enough olives. And she offered the seal club a bargain. She said, we'll carry you back to where you need to be

to Papa's store, but in exchange, you must bring back my son's seal skin so that he can return to their land beneath the sea. And he clung onto the seal and they went over the water and he was having difficulty holding on. So he said, do you mind if I use my knife to cut holes in your seal skin so I can grip in? Which is disgusting.

Yeah. But a key detail of the story. And they said, you know, whatever, mate. So he clung on and he made it all the way there. And he was able to return Olivitinus's stolen skin. And the reason that the little holes are important is that in some versions of the story, a seal skin is later found that has the finger holes that he cut into it, proving that the tale he told was true.

It's still horrible, though, isn't it? It's disgusting. A disgusting tale. I feel like the humans may be the real monster in that story. I wouldn't offer that guy a lift on my motorbike. Yeah. Do you mind if I cut holes in your leather jacket? Oh, can I hold on? Can I just cut some holes in your sides and slip my fingers in? This is the problem with toxic masculinity, isn't it?

Just put your arms around me, mate. Can we just have a hug? Just hug me. Just hug me without a knife. So maybe you don't think these guys are scary. This is what Hibbert has to say about the Blue Men of Minch. The inhabitants of a submarine world were, in the later periods of Christianity, regarded as fallen angels who were compelled to take refuge in the seas.

They had, therefore, the name of sea troughs given to them as in the seas they had therefore the name of sea troughs given to them as belonging to the dominion of the prince of darkness oh so that's the devil yes right okay making a an unsurprising appearance yeah just give me a little nod like tap in one of his horns hello he's like james corden pops up and everything oh to that reaction sometimes he's good sometimes he's bad that's the problem with the devil slightly overexposed it's a bit cocky i've heard stories about on a personal level not that great the devil yeah i hear the devil is very rude to runners so how do you what do you think uh how scary do you think the uh the sea troughs are they've got an alarming backstory but they seem to have made good they don't see it they seem quite nice backstory a

deliberate pun in that the holes were cut into the seal's back oh that is an alarming backstory as well yes yeah i like that they're called trues because that's my word for trousers call my house trousers my house trues saves time they don't seem too bad though seem quite accommodating i i thought that that the sea true that gave the guy a lift was going to drown him. Surprised it didn't. Oh, I forgot to tell you. There's one more thing. If any of their blood goes in the sea, it causes a storm. Oh, dear.

That's quite scary. Especially if they're allowing people to cut holes in them left, right and centre. Yep, very risky. Very risky gambit. All right, my next suspect for you, the Finmen. Oh, this sounds scary. Also known as the Mucklemen. Less scary. Also known as the Mucklemen. Less scary.

I think you're going to be disappointed with the Finmen because they may have been human. They were men who sailed in boats of fish skins, apparently, and their clothes formed like a uniform pod. So the boat was attached to the clothes they were wearing. Like a canoe, like a kayak. Yeah, like a sort of coracle kayak, a sort of Inuit canoe type situation. Right. Here's what James Wallace said about it in the turn of the 18th century. They have this advantage. There'd be the seas never so boisterous, their boat being made of fishkins, are so contrived that he can never sink, but is like a seagull swimming on

top of the water. His shirt he has is so fastened to the boat that no water can come into his boat to do him damage, except when he pleases to untie it, which he never does but to ease nature. Which I assume means we. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, comfort break. Yeah. Carl Bind was informed that sea monsters are for the most part called Finns in Shetland. So there's much uncertainty about whether the Fin men are men or whether they are sort of Lovecraftian hybrids. Carl Bynes wrote that they have the power to take the shape of any marine animal, also

that of human beings, and they will want to pursue boats at sea. It was dangerous in the extreme to say anything against them. Oh, no. Watch out there, James. He had heard that silver money was thrown overboard to them to prevent their doing any damage to a boat. In the sea form, they came ashore every ninth night to dance in the sands. And presumably for a wee as well.

It sounds like they're in like a basically in a big tent, but their head's sticking out. Yeah, sort of a reverse tent. Tent keeps the rain off. This is an upside down version of a tent which keeps the sea off. A boat, I think, is what I've invented there. Yes, but the head sticks out the top. But with your head sticking out the top, yes. But why is that better than a boat?

How's that better than a boat? Hey, wait for the ninth day and ask them yourself. Yeah, I don't know if I want to. They seem a bit, they don't seem very chatty. Yeah. So what do you take on the Finmen? How do you feel about them? Are they staying on the board of suspects?

They're a bit spooky, actually, but not in the way that i expected them to be i thought they'd be sort of lingering sort of like in the shadows creatures but they just sound unnerving they just sound like a big plastic bag with a head yep nippy little boogers yeah zooming around i don't like them the final suspect i have for you i had a feeling that you would be thinking, well, none of these are that supernatural. So I thought I'd pull out a Class A cryptid. Oh. I've got a Kraken for you. Oh, a Kraken one.

Go on. I have the Kraken, a.k.a. the Horven, also known as the Krake, Kraben, Kraxen, Sky Kraken, which is confusing. And inaccurate. Or the very disappointing Crabfish. Uh-oh. Crabfish. Back in 1822 old samuel

hibbert said that the kraken or horven appears like a floating island sending forth tentacular not tentacles tentacular as high as the masts of a ship they're like spectacular tentacles yeah it's like if it were a musicalacular! Ten tentacular years. Yeah. It's still on the West End, in spite of Covid. It's the only musical still going. The Kraken, he said, was much connected with the demonology of the Shetland Seas. Much of what we know about

the Kraken comes from Erik Pontopadan. I don't know how to pronounce Norwegian surnames. But he was the Bishop of Bergen in the early 18th century. According to Eric, the kraken was quite a thing. It created a vortex around ships. It would swim around them.

It's basically a giant squid. We all know what a kraken is. And it had a sweet, sweet breath, which attracted fish. Now, I'm not sure if that is sweet from a fish's point of view or if that is objectively a sweet breath. Or rather, that was the rumour. But Pontopidan was a bit of a sort of a fact checker. And he said it was not, in fact, the kraken's breath that was sweet. It was, in fact, its poo.

Oh, I was going to suggest bumhole as a joke, but I thought that was too crass. So the idea was that the kraken would eat for half of the year and then for the other half of the year would uh would would void his excrement poo yeah that's like half of a year oh like you get some fiber do you i mean i don't think maybe i do i've never really timed it but i don't think i spend as much time eating as i do pooing. I'm sure you don't, and you shouldn't. I think I probably spend less time pooing than eating because it's been made more efficient. Very much so. You don't have to use a knife and fork.

Well, on most days. That would genuinely hurt me. During this evacuation, the surface of the water is coloured with the excrement and appears quite thick and turbid. evacuation, the surface of the water is coloured with the excrement and appears quite thick and turbid. This muddiness is said to be so very agreeable to the smell or taste of the other fishes that they gather together from all parts to it. He then opens his arms or horns, seizes and swallows his welcome guests and converts them after the due time, by digestion, into bait for other fish of the same kind. Oh, he's probably eating quite a lot of his own. You would think.

It's going to be hard not to. That's your final suspect, a disgusting poo monster. I mean, what's the nature of the crime? Is it dirty protest? Who is the scariest? Who do the sailors fear the most out of those? Four Scottish beasties. That is an accurate Shetland accent.

Four sea beasties. It always goes family-ness whenever we do a Scottish accent on this podcast. Four suspects. The mermaids, the sea trows, the fin men, or the kraken. Which sea beastie do you think was most terrifying to the sailors of the region? It's got to be the Kraken. I'm glad you said that. That's exactly what I hoped you would go for.

Because it was a decoy. A decoy Kraken? A poo decoy. Oh. The classic strategy. Throw out a Kraken, confuse them. An inflatable Kraken. Exactly.

I just realised while we've been talking about Krakens, Krakens are in the news because of one of Trump's insane lawyers. The one who isn't even really his lawyer said release the Kraken because that's politics now. What? You can just say release the Kraken and people go yeah that seems like something that would happen. Okay then. So it was completely unintentionally

topical that I brought Krakens to the podcast. Why did he say that? She, I think, because I think the Kraken was going to be like some evidence of like voter fraud or something. But it turned out that like the real Kraken, it was just a load of... The real most terrifying thing was the Finmen. The Finmen?

It's always the person you least suspect. What, the sea troughs? No, right, no, it was the Finmen, not the sea troughs. It's because they were essentially foreigners. A what? Yep, what could be scarier than foreigners? The Fin men were probably from Finland or Norway or Sweden or Denmark. What?

They were little fellas in boats who were coming over from foreign lands, didn't speak the language and were believed to have sinister powers. Oh. And apparently right up to the 1960s, people from Finland were considered warlocks, wizards, conjurers and bad luck aboard a ship. Really? What changed? What came in in the 1960s? Yeah.

Probably miniskirts. The Swinging London. Was it the Swinging London? I think that's what they called it at the time, the Swinging London. Yeah. They would say, welcome to the Swinging London. You would step out of a taxi that had been painted with the Union flag. Yeah. And someone would say, Welcome to Swinging London. You can have a mini skirt and a bowler hat.

Sorry, is this THE Swinging London? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, not Swinging London, Ontario. Mystery solved. I guess a more cynical person would say that they're the most scary because they were real. Arguably, yes. So let's segue with the wily speed of a fin in a boat

into the scoring section. A fin in a sleeping bag boat. A waterproof slanket. My first category for you is names. Yeah, loads of good names. And remember, this was the episode of Eric Pontopadon. And Dawn John. The Sea Mother.

We've also got the Veskeris, the rocks. They sound jagged, don't they? They sound very scary. The Veskeris. We've got Jimmy Perez from Shetland. That classic Scottish surname. Jimmy Shetland. And Jarlshof, which means half of the Jarl.

No way. It's going to be big. The only thing I like more than a Scots accent is a crazy Scots accent. So I'm going to go five. Fave out of fave. I honestly, just Scottish listeners, I can do better Scottish accents than I've been doing in this episode. Fave out of fave. It sounds like I'm speaking it backwards and then playing it forwards.

Yeah, Shetland is like the Red Room of Scotland. It's like the Black Lodge. Would you like? Can I get you some shortbread? Would you like a lawn cake? Or some tablet. That's the other thing they'd offer. I'm just trying to name Scottish foods to show that I am half Scottish.

I do know your culture. Bros. Have we talked about bros on the podcast before bros before no my mum used to make bros yeah it's like a porridge drink um uh which is as delicious as it sounds and my mum used to make like porridge and then pour it into a drawer and just leave it in the drawer and then after a while you got a drawer full of flapjacks. And then you would just slice it up in the drawer. Like in a cupboard? Like a chest of drawers. Like a chest of flapjacks. Yep, a chest of flapjacks.

The greatest treasure. Was your Alistair? They didn't have your Game Boys. They didn't have your Sega Satans, James. They didn't have hygiene. They just had to allow food to solidify in a drawer. Time is the greatest cooker. I mean, I've got a lot of stuff

about my mother-in-law's names for food yeah i'll just mention maybe one or maybe two and i'll save some more for another time because there's so many there is uh monkey totos yes basically rebranded porridge as a pudding yeah yeah so she just see that for pudding give them porridge with sugar on it which is just porridge normally the savory version will be with salt so that's why sugar is a treat another one is dipo which uh you put this in a deep bowl and what you do is you boil up some potatoes and then you put them in a bowl and sort of crush them against the sides to make like a potato lining for the bowl yeah and then you'd fill it with milk and a knob of butter

and then you just eat that with a spoon no so it's sort of deconstructed mashed potatoes but it's called dipo short for dipopotamus i assume right yeah so it's five out of five for naming oh good um so those frankly baffling recipes lead me neatly on to the category of supernatural well you've given me four different beasts yeah but one of them was a real person they were real but they're also warlocks up until the 1960s or they pulled a fast one the greatest trick the finnish ever pulled yeah convincing the world in the 1960s that they were no longer war... War... Warwalks. But then again, the mermaid, I'm always a bit...

I always think the mermaid was just a bit of an excuse by sailors. You think it's a cover-up for shenanigans with the fish? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, you realise that's six fishermen, six honest fishermen that you're impugning there. What happens in Davy Jones's locker stays in Davy Jones's locker. Okay, just pictures of fish, I assume. Sexy fish.

All right, so you're rejecting the mermaids because they were too sexy. That's a bit awkward. But we've still got the sea trowels with their secret underground kingdom. We've got the fin men's magic. But you only ever see them when they're dressed as seals. No, they take off the clothes.

So they're seals. And they're beautiful. Yeah, you see some seals. 90% of the when they're dressed as seals. No, they take off the clothes. So they're seals. And they're beautiful. Yeah, you see some seals. 90% of the time they are seals, yes. Or people near dead seals, like illegal seal furrers who claim to be. Oh no, these are our coats. We're a magical race of people that live under the water and these coats are ours. It's the perfect crime.

All right, okay. The Kraken. The big stinky poo beast of the Kraken. Big, stinky poo. Giant, but beautiful, delicious poo. Tasty poo. Yeah, really tasty poo. That's its USP.

But there is also such a thing as huge sea squid, isn't there? How does their poo taste? That's what I would ask you. Unless it's known to be delicious. It doesn't count. Okay, then. So maybe one mythical beast, but there

is definitely a real beast that's very similar to it whose only defense at the moment is that we haven't eaten its poo three okay all right my next category is under the surface oh because under the surface is where all of the sea beasties live and also where scottish people keep their emotions so it works in two levels it does neath the waves leave the waves the depths of a scottish person yeah what's under that kilt we all know i mean it's an open and shut case isn't it it's i think it is i think i really think it is i don't even have any evidence i've just got a desk with a briefcase on it there's nothing in that that's not what they mean stop opening and shutting the case that's not adding anything why do they have briefcases there then it's not just so they open and shut it to go

look it's an open and shut case that is why they have them there yes it is that's what that means it's an open and shut case very cute but um this is this is a court of law l-o-r-e oh very good how have we not used that before? I don't know. May I approach the bench for a little sit down? Yeah. We're not in Small Hall 5. You can turn the bench back over to the correct side up for sitting. Are you suggesting that I flipped the bench around

and tried to straddle it like a cool teacher? Yeah, the whole thing. Yep. You can't move your legs that far apart wearing corduroy trousers as i always am i'll push you for a score under the surface five out of five that's a suggested score i think it's five because i'd be worried what if i unleashed any emotions or monsters by not giving it a five final category yeah big finish nice bit of wordplay there that is a Nice bit of wordplay there. That is a lovely bit of wordplay.

It was a big finish. Yep, I cleverly constructed the mystery to steer you away from those fiendish Finns clapping weirdly in their boats. I don't know if the Finnish people clap like the rest of Scandinavia, but I bet they do. Maybe they don't, and that's why they're considered odd. Yeah. Look at them clapping willy-nilly without referring to the national clapping ombudsman that keeps the entire nation in sync.

The giant metronome on a fjord. Big finish. What's the score? Big finish. Well, it's got to have to be a five. How can I give a bigger finish? It looks like the Finmen made quite a splash. Oh, lovely.

Very good. very good. Yeah, thank you. I'm going to try and get in sync with your little applause there. It's very difficult. With the lag. Yeah, it's difficult with the lag. You have been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft.

You can support us on patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. I've been preparing the goody packs for people and one of the items is dust. But I have to pour a little bit of powder into a little packet and it very much makes me look like a drug dealer. James, have you been sending mysterious powders to our supporters through the post? Yeah, I mean... I have not signed off on this. It is actually sherbet dib-dab, so it's fully vegan. So we're cool. I want to go up and see the Northern Lights, Alistair.

That's my dream. What's stopping you? Lockdown restrictions. Yeah, yeah, there are certain restrictions on travel at the moment. It's a crime to do it, yep. That's what's stopping me. Yeah, it's against the law. They have electric lights in Scotland now. What?

Yep, the whole package. Porridge in every drawer. Drawers full of porridge.