Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep51: Loremen S3 Ep51 - Joseph of Arimathea in Glastonbury

Episode Date: December 31, 2020

Did Jesus’s uncle Joseph (presumably on his mum’s side) retire to England’s West Country? Did he bring the Holy Grail with him? Common sense and recorded history say, ‘no’. James Shakeshaft says… ‘maybe?’ Join the Loremen in this festive dive into bizarre Christmas traditions, weird biblical outtakes and the dubious origins of the Holy Grail. We livestreamed the recording of this episode on the Loremen Twitch channel on Dec 23rd (twenty-twenty). If you’d like to see it with extra shenanigans, a few swears and one greenscreen catastrophe, check it out: http://www.loremenpodcast.com/episode-51-s3 Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK  

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And just before Christmas 2020. 2020. 2020. We did a little live stream, didn't we, James? Oh, we did.

So when we're responding to things that you can't see or hear, it's not the spirits, it's the chat room. And we've got a lot of stuff. We've got a Christmas quiz. Two Christmas quizzes. Costumes. And I decided to try and answer the question, did those feet in ancient times walk upon England's pastures green?

Did they? Did they? Let's find out. Hello. Hello. Hi, James. How are you? I'm very good, thank you. How are you? I'm fine. I'm dressed as a festive Jesus. Ah.

I think that's traditional. Yeah, classic. It's Jesus's birthday, isn't it? Yeah, and what could be more Jesus-y than Jesus? And I'm Santa, who's very much the Jesus of Christmas. He's like a Jesus who delivers. Yes. Yeah, I know if you've been good or bad, and you will be rewarded on an annual basis. Yeah, not at the end, once you're dead now in the present not a retirement carriage clock that you're offering no more like a yearly employee of the year plaque for your wall

or worst employee of the year coal for you yep coal scuttle yeah i think we may be giving away the fact that neither of us have really had a proper job and don't really know what the dynamic of that is. Or the traditional coal scuttle. Should we have a bit of fun? A little bit of Christmas fun? Don't we need a little bit of fun in these dark times? We have got a Christmas quiz, or as I'm calling it, a quizmas... Chris.

We've got a quizmas Chris. I've got some questions for you, James. Do you have some questions for me? Yeah, I've got a Jesus quiz. Or Quizus... No, I'm not going to say that. Shall I go first and then you can do your Jesus ones? Yeah, I'll do my Jesus one after.

Okay, my questions are about Christmas traditions, folklore from around the world. Are any of them going to be purely done in your house? No, no, they're all real. They're all mostly real traditions. None of them going to be like purely done in your house no no they're all real they're all mostly real traditions none of them are about abk traditions so you're safe i'm not trying to trick you here and of course people in the chat you can get involved and you can answer too the first question we'll start you up with an easy one is what kind of animal was rudolph there's a lot of rudolphs yep most of them have been humans yeah i'm not talking about rudolph Hess. That's a little clue there.

Absolute monster. A reindeer with a very shiny nose. You're only half right because, I mean, have you seen a picture of a reindeer? Yes. Yeah, so they look like a big sort of husky thing with sort of a shaggy beard and a shaggy face. Rudolf, as depicted in almost every depiction of Rudolf, is not a reindeer. Rudolf is just a deer. Really?

Yes. Because the big, sort of shaggy, burly, chunky reindeer weren't cute enough. So in 1939, when the first story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was published, they asked the illustrator for like a sort of a cute kind of twink version of a reindeer. And so the illustrator went to the zoo and just drew normal deer. So whenever you've seen Rudolph the Red- went to the zoo and just drew normal deer. So whenever you've seen Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer... Just a standard deer. You have not been looking at a reindeer.

Oh! They've played you for a mug, James. Oh. That was question one. Well done. I hope you enjoyed that. So that's no points. That's zero points so far. Maybe 0.5 because he is called a reindeer. In Guildford County, North Carolina, on Christmas Day dawn breaks twice. True or false?

And on the first time around, all the livestock and the horses, they all get down on their knees and they pray. True or false? That's a bit of an odd thing to make up. Yeah, exactly. Why would you make that up? So I'm gonna say true. It's true that they believe that. It was believed in North Carolina on Christmas Day Dawn broke twice Double dawn Double dawn And that the animals all prayed To celebrate the birth of Christ

But obviously it is actually false Because that didn't happen, did it? Let's be realistic What dawn happened twice The earth rotated and then rolled back a little bit And then kept going Yeah Alright, I expect some people will know the answer to this

True or false Spanish nativity scenes include a figure having a poo again it's an odd thing to make up why would i have made that up unless he's having a wee is it a double bluff now you know that i've seen your pattern is actually someone having a wee wee a lot of trues are appearing in the chat if that helps you if you want to ask the audience. Is it a human figure? A human figure is having a poo. A poo-man, if you will. Go on then. Yes, true. You're absolutely right. Yes. A figure called the Defecator, or

Cagane, is just someone with his trousers around his ankles having a poo appears in the Spanish Nativity scene. I didn't bother looking up why. That's all you need to know. I felt like I had enough information. Think very carefully about this next one.

All that was staying was Spain. Uh-oh. In Spain, true or false, true or false, their version of the yule log is a little wooden log with a happy face on it that poos out Christmas presents for the children. True or false? Oh, that's got to be false.

I would not come with two poo truths, would I? Back to back. No, you can't do two poo truths. Yes, I would. Two poo truths? I did do two poo truths. Back to back there. You're a poo truther.

I am. Tio de Nadal, a.k.a. Caga Tio, poo log or **** log, is a Spanish Christmas tradition where there is a little log he's got a very happy face they hit him with six and they shout poo log poo and it poos out presents a puñata yeah wow are you familiar with the welsh tradition of the mary lloyd i'm overwhelmed with spanish poos at the minute and i'm just tradition of the Marie Lloyd or Ifari Lloyd. I'm overwhelmed with Spanish poos at the minute and I'm just thinking of the sauce for prawns at the minute. So no, I'm not.

Marie Lloyd, you've probably seen it. It's a Christmas tradition where a horse's skull with a sort of puppet jaw and a cloth is paraded around the town and they sing a song to sort of say, let us in the pub and the people in the pub say, no, you're a freaky horse. And the horse says, ah, come on, it's Christmas. It's too scary.

Sister Twisty once saw a dog absolutely f*** itself at the sight of the Maddy Lloyd. Was it Spanish? There were a couple of Spanish kids whacking it, just absolutely beating the presents out of it. I've done the Maddy Lloyd in London, despite not being Welsh. The Welsh are an accommodating people and they let English people follow along and it's very creepy. I didn't know that's what they were called. I love them. But the question is, if that happens in Wales,

what animal do you think is paraded around the town in Dorsetshire in the olden days? In Dorset? Of course I do. I bloody love the place. Thank you. Sisty Twisty is saying they do it with a pig's head in York. A sexy sheep. I feel like that's. Thank you. Sisty Twisty is saying they do it with a pig's head in York. A sexy sheep. I feel like that's editorialising somewhat. Yeah. A dead

cat. That's a bit low rent. A rat? That'd be too small to understand. You can go around with a little puppet rat, like a little Rizzo on your head. Jake Gyllenhaal is a bit of a curveball, I guess. That's good. He's got a big jaw, I think, is what they're thinking there. Well, I'm guessing it's not a horse.

I know. It's a talking mongoose. A talking mongoose, good guess, but not correct. The correct answer is a bull, also known as the folklore podcast has come in with, the Dorset Oozer, which is disgusting. Yes. According to the Book of Christmas Folklore

by the amazingly named Tristram P. Coffin. What a name. P merry christmas children as i tristram p coffin what a what a character he writes uh that um the bull shaggy head with horns complete shaggy coat and eyes of glass was wont to appear uninvited no one knew where he might or might not appear. He was given the freedom of every house and allowed to penetrate into any room escorted by his keeper. The whole company would flee before his formidable horns. The more so as towards the end of the evening, neither the bull nor his keeper could be certified as strictly sober. Yeah, big old drunk bull rampaging around your flat. Sounds like a...

Merry Christmas. Sort of a big butch emu. As in Rod Hull and emu. As in Rod Hull and emu, yeah. Sister Twisty's asking, how do we explain emu for American listeners? Great question. Emu is a puppet that sexually assaults television presenters.

Yes. I think that's it. Yeah, it's a puppet of an emu. presenters. Yes. I think that's it. Yeah. It's a puppet of an emu. Yeah, obviously. It would goose people, which... They put that on TV in the 70s. That's what happened.

It's a different time. Incredible. Do you have any material? I don't need material. Well, apart from the material that covers my hand. Exactly. I'll just nibble Parkinson's Willie and become a national star and get a kids' TV series out of it.

And a spin-off called Grot Bags. Ah, I loved Grot Bags though. I did like Grot Bags. That's true. A lot of time for Grot Bags. Final question in the Quizmas quiz. True or false? Germans hang green glass gherkins on their Christmas tree. And there's a little tradition whereby the first

child to spot the gherkin on Christmas morning because it camouflages with the green, gets a present. I mean, by which I mean, obviously the other kids also get presents, but there's a special present for the gherkin. It's not like the Germans are so strict that you have to achieve something in order to earn a present. I've literally heard about this the other day on a podcast. Oh, have you? So I'm saying it's true. You're going with true? Yeah. It's false. What? Here's the interesting thing. I've tricked you once again, really. What? It is widely believed, especially in America, that Germans hang green glass gherkins on their tree and Americans hang green glass gherkins on their tree because it's something

that Germans do. But Germans don't really do it. It's a made up thing. Someone basically had a job lot of green gherkins and made up a story in order to shift them. Oh, that's very clever of them. Yeah. It's good marketing, isn't it? How did they end up with a job lot of glass gherkins, though? What went wrong? A lot of people are disputing whether, indeed, it was a gherkin. Some people are saying it was a pickle. Some people are saying it was a cucumber. Look, it didn't happen.

That's the end of my Christmas quiz. That was a great Christmas quiz. Did you enjoy that? I did. I think I got two points. I wasn't counting, to be honest. Merry Christmas. Five out of five. Yes! Can I do a quick Jesus quiz? Go for it. Yeah. I think I

think I've got the edge here. Full kit. So, in the Bible, there are four canonical Gospels. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Matthew, Mark and Luke are quite similar. John is a little bit wayward mark and luke are quite similar john is a little bit wayward what the questions are basically is that what everyone thinks or is

it just john right okay so i need to work out whether this is part of the three normal gospels or the ringo gospel yes okay jesus was baptized by john the baptist is that what everyone thinks or just john i think i think everyone thinks that yes otherwise he wouldn't be called John the Baptist, would he? That's right. But John doesn't mention it. Probably a bit jealous of the other John. Jesus stands up for the poor and oppressed. Is that what most people think or just John?

I think they all think that, yeah. That's classic JC business there. Yeah, they do. John doesn't really mention it. Jesus doesn't wash his hands. Is that what most people think or is it just John? John. Classic. That is clearly John. No. What? That's what most people think. What? Jesus didn't wash his hands. Is that what most people think, or is it just John? John. Classic. That is clearly John.

No. What? That's what most people think. Jesus didn't wash his hands. And John thinks he does wash his hands. He just didn't mention it. Didn't mention it. I don't know what John did mention, to be honest.

My only knowledge of John is that John sort of wrote himself into it and keeps mentioning that Jesus liked John the disciple the best. So he's sort of a little bit of a sort of Mary Sue author insert, self-insert situation there, where he would just sort of keep mentioning how much Jesus really liked John. Well, that's why he didn't have any time to mention all the other things that he did.

And he didn't have time to mention that being kind to the poor or any of that sort of extraneous stuff. Jesus was betrayed by a kiss. Is that most people or just John? It's got to be all of them. It's a classic moment. It is. Judas Iscariot, big old peck on the cheek.

Yep, that's right. Judas kisses him. That is in most of them. In John's version, Jesus goes, I'm Jesus. So Judas doesn't even betray him? No, he goes, I'm Jesus. My favourite one was John. As he's been taken away.

Don't forget to mention John. He was the best of them. Final quiz question. Unlike John, I'm going to leave John out of this one. Oh, OK. It's going to be a quickfire round. Which of these are Jesus's brothers? Jesus's brothers?

We're talking about Jesus's extended family. OK. Because Jesus had some brothers. I don't remember that, but... Yeah. They do not get brought up a lot, but carry on. Was one of his brothers called James? True.

Yes. Yes. Was one of his brothers called Simon? True. Yes. Was one of his brothers called Judas? No. It was.

Don't think so. What? He had a brother called Judas? Yes. Weird. Was one of his brothers called Joseph? Well, his dad was Joseph. Sorry, stepdad. So yeah, I guess so. Yeah. It was very much a Jimmy Shakespeare, the

Jimining. Jimmy Shakespeare situation. Implies that Joseph's dad was called Donkey. And he might have been what gave him a lift. You know the Christmas carol, donkey oh yeah little donkey it's not about my great-grandfather no it's the donkey that's carrying mary into bethlehem there's another donkey that appears later which is on palm sunday jesus comes riding a donkey but i've checked and they're too far apart for it to realistically be the same donkey

if it was mcu it would just be played by the same donkey exactly yeah it would be the son of donkey there's something about the way that song says, little donkey, little donkey on a dusty road. I can't help but feel that when they were directing the Bible, like the donkey was a bit sick of being ridden and was about to quit. And so the director had to come and sit him down and go, actually, the donkey is the main character at this point. Like nobody is more important than the little donkey. Little donkey.

And that's why we have that, because the donkey was just absolutely sick of being ridden. That's my fanfic for that donkey. Little donkey. And that's why we have that, because the donkey was just absolutely sick of being ridden. That's my fanfic for that donkey. As a child on Palm Sunday, dressed as Jesus and was ridden around the town on a donkey. You, sorry, you dressed as Jesus and were ridden around town.

To be honest, not the only time I've dressed as Jesus. That was perhaps the first. Hey, let he who is not dressed as, not the only time I've dressed as Jesus. But that was perhaps the first. Hey, let he who is not dressed as Jesus throw the first stone. Throw the first Jesus. Let he who is not Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, the first Jesus. Did Jesus have a brother called Joses? Yes, because that's not a name.

So it's got to be one of those crazy biblical names like Ham. Jewish guy called Ham. That's a little awkward and did jesus have some unnamed sisters yes of course he did of course he did so yes jesus extended family though that brings us into today's story it's all about a little chap called joseph of arimathea i'm hearing quite a lot of typing. Is that you, James? No.

Oh, it's raining. It's raining. Oh, it's rain. Okay. I thought the zombie was doing a blog in the background there. Forget about that. I was scared for a moment. Joseph of Arimathea.

I'm now really scared. Yes, he's part of the Bible Extended Universe. He's Jesus's uncle. The BCU, yes. He's also known as the secret disciple, which I guess would be the name of his film in the BCU. Yeah. He's apparently Jesus's uncle.

He's a junkle. Yes. I'm guessing on his mother's side. Yeah. Because if he was on his father's side, he'd either be God's brother or Joseph's brother, Joseph. No, you're absolutely right. He's got to be on Mary's side.

Really good deductive work there. But Joseph did have a son called Josephus. That's just Joseph with a sneeze, really, isn't it? Josephus. They weren't very imaginative. Nope. Name-wise. So he's the guy who buried Jesus.

He put Jesus in the grave. He gave Jesus his grave. I went back a couple of days later. He's only bleeding gone. He's probably alive again. It's not that I've got Jesus in the grave. He gave Jesus his grave. I went back a couple of days later. He's only bleeding gone. He's probably alive again. It's not that I've got a faulty grave. Oh, see, I thought you said this thing came with a guarantee. Come on. He caught Jesus' blood. Oh, yeah?

In the Holy Grail. Do you know much about the Holy Grail? It's one of the top grails. Is it? Yes. Would you like me to tell you a few things about the Holy Grail? Because you told me that this was coming up, so I did a bit of... A little bit of grail hunting. Yep. A little bit of grail, or graal, if you prefer, as it first appeared in English.

G-R-A-A-L. Graal. Graal. The headline for the Holy Grail is, it doesn't exist. It definitely doesn't exist. Stop looking for it, you losers. It 100% doesn't exist. I was listening to an interview with the academics

Dr. Juliet Wood and Professor Caroline Larrington, and one of the really interesting things is the stories about the Grail start to appear in the 13th century, 12th, 13th century, with the story of Parsifal and subsequent Arthurian romances, and at that

time, relics were a big deal. Relics of the Passion, relics of the Crucifixion, that sort of thing, were a big deal. Merch. People were fighting. Yeah, exactly. They were fighting the Crusades to get all of that merch, all of that goodies.

Sweet, sweet Jesus merch. Yeah. From the BCU. And there is no mention of the Holy Grail in the real history. So people thought they had the true cross. They had all sorts of bits and bobs from Jesus. The Holy Grail, never, never mentioned, until it appears in basically books. So it thought they had the true cross. They had all sorts of bits and bobs from Jesus. The Holy Grail, never, never mentioned until it appears in basically books. So it's just a story. The story of Parsifal is he's a knight wandering the land doing knight stuff.

He comes upon a house where he meets the Fisher King, who is a very, very ancient king who's wounded but seems to live forever. And so all he does is sit in his boat and fish. And he stays in the house. And while he's eating at the banquet, there's a strange procession in which a mysterious grail is sort of carried across. And he's a bit awkward, a bit sort of socially awkward, so he doesn't say anything about it. But he knows he should have, and it keeps playing on him.

And he decides the next morning when he gets up, he's going to ask, what the flip was that grail about? But when he gets back up, the house is empty and everyone has gone. And he discovers that he made a huge mistake. What he should have asked is, whom does the grail serve? Which I think is quite a creepy sentence. And if he had asked, whom does the grail serve? He would have found out that it was the Fisher King, who belongs to a line of kings who have been protecting the grail for centuries. And the

Fisher King is there waiting for somebody to take on protection of the grail and he can't die until that happens. Cretienda Troyes, who I think was the first person to write about it, the story doesn't end because he didn't finish it. But the important thing is, it changes its size and shape. It changes into a stone at one point. What? It's a variety of different

things. It doesn't have its roots in folklore. It's not a legend that people believed until it was written down, but its roots are probably... Do you remember the Mabinogion? Do you remember there's the big cauldron that brings people back to life? Oh yeah, the Black Cauldron. Exactly. The Mabinogion has quite a few magic vessels, and so the writers were probably borrowing from folklore in that respect. But it's not real. And Holy Blood, Holy Grail, Dan Brown, it's 100 not jesus's bloodline get lost the way that you know you know that the authors of holy blood holy grails tried to try to sue dan brown because he used their history book right when he was writing the da vinci code i feel like you've admitted that you just made it up at the point where you try and sue someone for plagiarism

because like either it's either it's history and you can't sue him or you made it up and it's nonsense but what is the holy grail because there's a few different there's the vessel that christ uh drank out of or the the dish or cup or bowl that christ drank out of at the last supper there's also the vessel which caught the blood from christ's side wound that um incidentally only appears in john really side side wound. That was one of my spare questions. Definitely didn't happen then. It was John. It was John-related wounds. And in some versions of it, it's the same one.

So just as Arimathea sees the cup and goes, Oh, they've left their cup. I'm having that. And takes it with him to the crucifixion. Jesus is there. Captures a little bit of blood in it. So he had this Holy Grail, according to stories. In later years, after Jesus had died and he and and all the rest of it he moved to glastonbury in britain he didn't but carry on he moved there that's a

long way to go well he'd visited there before because in roman times it was a tin tin trading port yeah they were always coming over here, stealing our tin, bloody Romans. But the interesting thing is Glastonbury Tor, or the hills around Glastonbury, were little ports because the ground around there back in the day was all marshland and would flood. Oh, right. So like Roman maps of slightly after that era, that area is all water and you have to like come in on a boat and he would so so apparently joseph of arimathea came in on a boat that's a convincing bit of backstory to explain why he arrived by boat yeah and there's a few other little hills around there they would have been sticking up out of the water most of the time and people would have been traveling around via boat and apparently joseph he went to a hill called wirral hill with with a with a bunch of his

gang welcome to wirral hill well apparently it's called Wirral Hill with a bunch of his gang. Welcome to Wirral Hill. Well, apparently it's called Wirral Hill because they were so tired that when they climbed to the top, they said, oh, we're weary all, aren't we? Nice. Weary all, wirral all. Wirral. Very good.

But I think it's probably, we're all knackered. Wirral Hill. There, boom. Better etymology. Better-mology from James Shakespeare. Then Joseph got to the top of that with his staff, stuck it in the ground, and very much like Kenelm,

it bloomed and turned into a tree, a hawthorn tree. One of the most magical trees. Yes. It was cut down by the Romans, those pesky Romans, because apparently it's on the side of a Roman road. Of course, the Romans would have referred to as road and it blossoms every year at Christmas

that's pretty magical which is now which is what now is Christmas I saw a Daily Mail article that vandals have destroyed yet another one quite recently oh presumably they mean like local youths not the historic people the vandals

those blooming vandals not like the busy goths came over and did a bit of graffiti on it. Yeah, that's the third iteration of the bush. Other stories are, not that it's the stuff, that it's actually a clipping from the crown of thorns. Oh, yeah. That your friend and mine, Jesus, wore. He's a bit weird, this Joseph, isn't he?

It's a bit serial killer-y. All these little trophies. Got a lot of trinkets. Yeah. Oh, that's just my collection. It's my things. I'm just going to catch a bit of that guy's blood. What?

Yep. What are you going to catch it in? Oh, this is just the last thing that he drank from? Are you all right, Joe? What's happened, mate? He'd be one of those guys who do selfies of himself committing crimes, wouldn't he? Joseph of Aramathere. Yeah.

Put it on Facebook. Act surprised when the police turn up You idiot He brought this holy grail with him And just popped it down a well He popped it down a well to be safe there, did he Yeah, just keep it safe And that was a, it was Chalice Well It's now known as Chalice Well

And the water is slightly red That comes out of it And it was thought to be good for healing. It would heal. That would be Jesus' blood there. Still bleeding. The reason our mate Joseph retired to Glastonbury and he wanted to set up the Church of Jesus here.

But the reason he knew it so well is because he'd travelled there before with the Teenage Jesus. Teenage Jesus? Like young Indiana Jones? Teen Jesus. All right. For the BCU, yeah. Okay. I like this. there before with the teenage jesus teenage jesus like young indiana jones teen jesus all right for the bcu yeah okay i like just he's sort of finding out his powers he's got attitude he's got b attitude oh sorry that was too good a pun for me not to say it again he's got b attitude that is first class radical first class so apparently he visited with teen Jesus. Teen Jesus. He's got just like a bit of a straggly beard and he's

still got his hair in a top knot. I like travelling. He's just dragged along to go buying tin I think Joseph was doing. What have you got in that bottle Teen Jesus? Oh it's water. And that's the Christmas story of Glastonbury. I think these and the story of Joseph of Arimathea that becomes the grail myth,

they belong to the apocrypha, the apocryphal gospels that didn't end up in the Bible. Yes. My favourite one became the folk song Bitter Withy. Do you know that one? No. So a withy is like a long stick that you would use like a switch, if you're American, to beat a troublesome child, which was very popular back in the day. And in Bitter Withy, Jesus is a little boy,

you know, larking about. And three rich boys are playing football. And Jesus says, being a big sort of football lad, been a full kit, he sort of rocks up and says, can I play football with you? And the three ones go,

no, we're wealthy children. You were born in an ox's stall. You can't play football with us. And Jesus goes, all right then. And then he built them a bridge out of the rays of the sun over a little river. And they're like, oh, wow, a bridge. Because you know how children are. So they run straight onto the bridge.

What does our mate Jesus do? How does he teach them a lesson? Does he forgive them? Close. He makes the bridge disappear and they all drown. Then you've got their mothers getting on to Mary, giving it all this about, oh, you're Jesus, he's drowned our sons.

And Mary is absolutely furious with the J-Man. And so she cuts a bit of withy and she beats Jesus. He's a psychopath. Blimey, no. It's the hormones, you know? Yeah. You know what they're like. Jesus played football.

Yeah, he probably, um, I was about to try and do a joke there and then I realised I don't know anything about Jesus or football. All I would say is that he wouldn't do well with crosses. Oh, I knew there would be a joke somewhere.

Well done. That's the, yeah. Oh, goalkeeping, but good in goal. Because of the, because of the arms.

You can't see, I've got my arms stretched out. Because of the arms. Because of the arms thing. Yep, great. Well, that's the, yeah. Oh, goalkeeper, you've been getting goal. Because of the arms. You can't see, I've got my arms stretched out, yes. Because of the arms. Because of the arms thing. Yep, great. Well, that's the end. Clearly that pun is the end of the podcast. Yes, definitely. Furious Spammy DSA explaining that football means soccer. Oh, thanks, Dan. Our convention of explaining things to Americans has passed on into the

chat. Thank you for that. Thanks, Dan. Oh, a hand of God pun. Yeah, the hand of God. Hand of God pun. That's very good. That's got something to do with football, hasn't it? That does have something to do with football. And also Maradona sounds like Madonna. Different Madonna, Americans. That's been a wonderful story, James. I think I'm ready to hand out some scores. Good.

Like Jesus would hand out loaves, fishes, and just general advice. Hopefully pre-cross Jesus because he's not handing much out there he's dropping stuff yeah yeah exactly yeah he's got the holes hasn't because of the holes little stigmata humor there i think we need a category yeah i think we have to go to the stream chat now to ask for suggestions for categories yeah sister twisty is suggesting poo i mean it's not the first time that category has appeared and it won't be last. I think cups and poo are pretty good categories.

Okay, so cups and poo for the first time together at last on the internet. Yep, we did it. We invented that. Noisy shed. Your shed is very noisy today. It's raining. It's really rainy. You're going to go out there and it'll be like a miracle.

Something miraculous will have fallen, like Jesus's bounty or a different chocolate bar. Is it because he's got his Christmas jar of celebrations? And he's just flinging the bounties out. And he's just chucking the bounties out. You say that. I love a bounty. Bounties are my favourite. So I want to hear a word against the bounties.

For American listeners, bounties are a disgusting chocolate bar. That's a lie. OK, first category, naming. Oh, there's been some fantastic ones. I don't think anything has been better than Tristan P. Coffin, to be honest. Are you imagining a coffin for a solitary pea? Like a little sample

jar that you send to the doctors with urine in it. A little pea coffin. Disgusting. I think it's a high score, not because the names have been of high quality, James, but because you have packed so many in. I now realise that when you listed all of Jesus' relatives, you had an eye towards the scores.

Joses, which I think is my favourite. They obviously like J's. I did do a lot of names. To be honest, most of them were Joseph. I think it's a four out of five. It would have been five if you had come up with any good names. Instead of namings, if I'd have just gone Josephs.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eas're easily five out of five for Joseph's. Okay. Supernatural, then. Supernatural. Loads, because absolutely none of this happened. It's all magic. You've got Jesus. You've got magical wells.

The Holy Grail. People being immortal. The hawthorn tree that blossoms at Christmas. Yes. You've got all the nonsense that I told you about dawn breaking twice. A staff that turns into a tree. Five out of five. Yes. It's easily a five out that I told you about dawn breaking twice. A staff that turns into a tree. Five out of five. Yes.

It's easily a five out of five. Yes, yes, yes. So what is the next category? It is, of course, poo. We've got Spanish poo. Spanish poo, or caga. Caga. As they call it there.

Sorry, any Spanish speakers, if we're swearing. I think we might be swearing in Spanish, but they'll probably be having a little nap, so they'll miss it. And most people are usually asleep by this point in the podcast anyway, so I wouldn't worry. Oh, God, yeah. Yes. Back on topic. I think that the Holy Grail itself is a crock of poo.

So I think you're getting some points for that because it isn't true. And all the people acting like it even belongs as part of folklore or myth are talking, excuse my language, nonsense. Right, go on then. Poppycock. So I'm going to say it's five out of five for poo. Yes.

A load of old shir, if you will. If you weren't going to give me five out of five, I would have hit you with a stick until more poo points came out. In fact, actually, now that I realise it, a number two would have been more appropriate. That's always the danger when you do a poo-based score. Final category is Jesus, the ultimate cryptid. Jesus, he really is, isn't he?

Yes. Like, you know, oh, there's Bigfoot. Don't forget your stepladder. But none of them, none of them compare to Jesus. He flies. He can fly. He walks on water. Can't be killed.

He comes back from the dead. Yeah. He raises other people from the dead. Oh, so many magic abilities. He makes people drink his blood like a reverse vampire. And the people who claim to have seen him aren't the most reliable sources. I'm looking at you, John. The people who claim to have special knowledge,

when you look into it, an awful lot of it is somewhat self-aggrandising. Jesus appeared to me in my tortilla and he said, I was the best. Just I heart John, or burned into the surface of the tortilla. And it was a statue of Jesus and it wept tears because it wasn't John. According to the Folklore podcast, Jesus appeared in a Brussels sprout this week. Only this week? This week he appeared in a Brussels sprout. So explain that, physicists.

Yeah, so 5 Jesus Christ, Ultimate Cryptid, which is the name of his reality TV show, spin-off of Teen Jesus. Is that part of the extended Jesus universe? Yeah, it's like extreme cryptid. He's like off roads and stuff. Does mountain biking. Repels down a cliff. But it's all running.

It's all right because he just does it because he can walk on water. He's like his own ATV. Yeah, exactly. So it's just Jesus jogging around. He will never successfully do a triathlon, no matter how good he is at the other two. That's the true tragedy of Jesus. He will never successfully do a triathlon, no matter how good he is at the other two.

That's the true tragedy of Jesus. Could Jesus ever compete in a triathlon? He couldn't win. So, James, having done your research, did those feet in ancient times walk on England's pastures green? Unlikely. That's good, because I had very little enthusiasm for building Jerusalem here in England's green and pleasant land. And you might want to get on our Patreon,

because if you become a Patreon supporter, then you can have an extra little featurette of stuff that we, for want of a better word, forgot to include in the livestream. Yeah, yeah, bonus content, yeah. About ugly baby Jesus. Old man baby Jesus. So, get on to patreon.com forward slash

lawmenpod and see the weirdly elderly face of Jesus. And we, your friendly neighbourhood law boys, did a live stream last week, didn't we? Yeah, a special Christmas-themed edition. We had Christmas quizzes. There was the visuals of a raging fire. I think it's more roaring fire conventionally than raging fire. I think you've misunderstood Christmas profoundly there. That's why I get through so many logs.

Chestnuts scotching on a raging fire. Jack Frost bitten off your nose. It's X for extremus.