Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep56: Loremen S3 Ep56 - Hang Me Low: The Mary Blandy Story

Episode Date: February 4, 2021

A time-hopping ghost story from Oxfordshire, this episode boasts not only a "magic" potion, but trials, castles, clumsy legs and Henley-on-Thames. Essentially, James has just watched Christopher Nolan's Tenet and decided to tell a simple story as extravagantly and confusingly as possible. It's actually a really good yarn. But you'll need to watch a number of YouTube explainer videos to appreciate it. You know, like all the best films. Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I, on the other hand, am Alistair Beckett-King. Ooh. I mixed it up. You did. Alistair, we're going back to Oxford today. Okay.

And I've got to warn you, I pushed the podcast medium about as far as it can go. I think this episode actually has a really good story that you have mangled. I've done my utmost to hide that. So enjoy the episode, everyone. It's the tale of Mary Blandy. Shall we just go straight into it? Let's just plough into it. Okay. Let's treat it like the snow that fell the other day and just leap into it with joy and plow into it okay let's treat it like the snow that fell the other day and just leap into it with joy and excitement then it'll be washed away yeah within minutes within minutes well well actually i hope you're ready for this one because i watched tenet the

other day the what's his name film the christopher nolan film yes the christopher nolan film and then obviously lots of videos on youtube explaining tenet And I've got some real ideas about how to tell stories in a non-linear manner. Oh, no. Oh, you're going to Nolan it. I hate those YouTube explainer videos because there's two things that have destroyed narrative. One of them is the plot hole video. And it's all things like, oh, we see him getting in the taxi, but we never see him getting out of the taxi. Yeah.

You're a fool. You just got out of the taxi in a scene that wasn't in the film. Yeah. That's not a plot hole. Yeah. A good film isn't an exhaustive documentary of every single thing that happened within the story. You fool.

You want to watch that Andy Warhol one about the Empire State Building, if you want. Yeah. That's what you want. And the other thing that I hate are these, because it's always things like the ending of Pride and Prejudice explained. The ending. You don't. They got married. That's what you want. And the other thing that I hate are these, because it's always things like, the ending of Pride and Prejudice explained. The ending, you don't, they got married. That's it.

Why do people watch this? Well, with films like Tenet, I'd like to know, but then I watch it and like, you don't know. I misunderstood that at the time. To be fair, I haven't seen Tenet, so I don't know if it is overblown pretentious and dreadful it's very very confusing you know inception i do remember inception did you go see inception yeah yeah and did you think not that confusing yes yes i did

right so me too but then watching tenet i think, now I must be like what the other people were like when they watched Inception. Because I haven't got a clue. The problem with Inception for me is that it's a film that gives the impression of being clever without being particularly clever. Yeah, it was like, you can understand what's going on if you just listen to the bits when the people explain the plot. But what they've done in Tenet is they've made the sound really muffly and everyone talks really fast so you could they just talk too fast for you to hear what they're saying yeah it's like that bit in partridge where him and lynn talk in front of

his girlfriend he says like if we speak fast you won't understand so anyway prepare yourself for a challenging i'm i i am girding my loins. Yep. Is that what you should do in this situation? Not when you're allowed to go in a cinema. It's just wrapping something around, isn't it? That's what girding is. Oh.

Is that all the way round with the bum as well? Or are you girding your individual loin? I'm including the bum, obviously. Okay. Good, good. Be reasonable. Let's not go into that. I'm girding my loins, a.k.a. wearing trousers.

That's what I'm doing. You popped your trousers on. Good lad. Yeah. Right. Now lay it on me. You ready? We start.

It's Oxford Castle in Oxford. It was built in 1071 by one of William the Conqueror's barons, Robert de Oyley. I like this guy. Do you think the 1070s were the same as the 1970s and he was all slicked back, sideburns, flares, a really wide collared shirt? Baron de Oily. Or is it Baron Doily, like on your grand's table?

It's either French for Baron de Oily or Baron de Oily. Either very greasy or very twee. Does he protect surfaces or is he himself a threat to them? Because the oil... We'll never know. We don't know. So he builds the Motten Bailey Castle.

You can still see the castle mound. It's next to the Westgate in Oxford if you find yourself there. I've seen it. Yeah, it's a little sort of spirally mound with no castle, if I remember. Yeah. What happened to the castle?

Well, it would have been made of wood you have embarrassed yourself baron doily classic mistake should have oiled that wood or put a doily on it to protect it from the elements did he start out with a straw castle yeah he was on the way to building a good castle fun fact i hadn't really realized this before but in this book it pointed it out. A mott and bailey, so when they dug out to make a moat, they used that earth to make the hill. Oh, right. That makes a lot of sense. Very efficient.

It's one of those things that as soon as it's explained to you, you think, yes, that was my idea. It's so obvious that I feel like I already knew that. Yeah, I didn't, but I was like, ah, very clever. Staring you in the face the whole time. So you've got like an environmentally friendly recycled mot. Yeah, a carbon neutral wooden castle. Actually, it's probably not that carbon neutral, is it? Not after it burned down, probably.

So smash cut to 900 years in the future. We're still on the castle mound, but there's no castle there now. This is 900 years in the future of 1070? Yes. Right. 900 and a bit. We're probably around the year 2000. castle mound but there's no castle there now this is 900 years in the future of 1070 yes right 900 and a bit we're probably around the year 2000 i'm not 100 sure what year okay there's a ghost tour guide newly young and she's given a ghost tour around the castle and she's describing the white figure of a woman with a handkerchief over her face who walks across the castle mound protesting her innocence doesn't specify how the handkerchief was attached but, who walks across the castle mound protesting her innocence.

It doesn't specify how the handkerchief was attached, but we're just going to have to go with it. But do you remember the handkerchief was levitating because it itself was the ghost of a living handkerchief. So you've got two hauntings occurring simultaneously there. And the tour group look up the hill, and that is what they see. They see a white figure with a white handkerchief over her face walking over the hill. Yeah.

And Nuala can't convince them that that wasn't a set-up. Really? But they've all just witnessed that ghost. How many witnesses are we talking about? I don't know. It doesn't specify. Several. A small tour group.

A small tour group of that most incorruptible type of person. People who've bought the ticket for a ghost tour. Yes. Yes, the most sceptical and scientifically-minded people on Earth. the ticket for a ghost tour yes yes the most skeptical and scientifically minded people on earth tourists on a ghost tour we're going to jump back 250 years we're going back in time now to 1752 and we're still on the castle mound and the hanging is about to take place it's a makeshift gallows it's a pole between two trees and a woman with a white handkerchief over her face is climbing the ladder again it doesn't specify how that handkerchief is attached to her face

and as she's going up the ladder she says gentlemen do not hang me high for the sake of decency she doesn't want people to look up her dress well she's been yeah fair enough fair enough and now we're going to jump 217 years into the future. Okay. To 1969. Yeah. And we're seeing that same scene again, but it's on stage in Henley-on-Thames at the Kenton Theatre. We're in the midst of rehearsals for Jean Morgan's play,

The Hanging Wood. That's a great name. She's got the white handkerchief on her face. Now, they've definitely worked out how to attach it to her face. This is a play. Yeah, they've got advanced make-up techniques. A big rubber band. Yeah, they've definitely worked out how to attach it to her face. This is a play. Yeah, they've got advanced makeup techniques. A big rubber band. Yeah, they've got stagehands holding it in place. And the woman says the line, don't hang me high for the

sake of decency, and then says, sorry, this is a closed rehearsal. Can you get that girl out of here, please? Oh. And Eva looks at the back of the auditorium and there's a figure of a girl there. And someone goes to get her out and she vanishes. She's gone.

Wow. Witnessed by that most sceptical of people. Actors. Wow. And Jo Morgan, the playwright, she was there and she says that when a few years previously she'd seen a reenactment of the court case of the woman who was hanged at Henley Town Hall and a similar unexplained figure was there. I don't know if we'd show that in the film.

We might just have it as reported. That's a deleted scene. We're showing a lot of them, innit? We've now got a montage of mirrors falling off sets, doors opening by themselves and lights going on and off. Oh, yeah? And cast members sat around a table drinking tea, talking about this Mary Blandy.

And someone says, do you think she really poisoned him? And a cup lifts off the table and smashes on the floor. Wow. When did this happen? That was during the theatre rehearsals for the play The Hanging Word in 1969.

During the theatre rehearsal. So again, witnessed by actors. That's pretty authoritative. But as we look at the shattered cup on the floor, we cut back to 1751 and a different cup is being smashed on the floor. Are you trying to do a match cut in podcast form? Yes.

This is one of the most formally ambitious podcasts I've ever been part of. Thank you, James. Yeah. Wow. So another cup smashes on the floor and an old man's spluttering and coughing. And there's a maid fussing around cleaning it up and another maid

rushes in and the first maid says he said it tasted gritty and the second maid gives a bit of a look like sort of jim from the office to the camera or yeah maybe not so comedic what kind of a look like oh that's not a surprise but it's not good And now we go back to 1746 and that old man's in better health. Oh, good. Well, no, we've gone back in time five years. Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah. It's very challenging, temporally. What, is the YouTube video explaining this episode?

There will be a YouTube video to explain this episode, don't worry. So, back in time, before the poisoning, he seems fine. Yeah. That makes sense. He's Francis Blandy. He's the town clerk of Henley. He's got one of those lovely names which is pretty much a sentence. Francis B Yeah. That makes sense. He's Francis Blandy. He's the town clerk of Henley. He's got one of those lovely names which is pretty much a sentence.

Francis Bland. Tom Waits. Patsy Smith. Is that a job title? Is that a fancy way of saying burger flipper? Yeah, he's there with... So Francis Blandy

is there with his wife and his daughter Mary Blandy and they're going to dinner at Paradise House. Sorry, I can't drop the name Paradise House in and then just scoot off. It's a good name. That's lovely.

Where and what is Paradise House? I don't know where it is. But it's the home of General Mark Kerr. Oh. And they're going to dinner there. And that's where Mary Blandy, who, she's of marrying age. She's about 25 now, I think. In those days, you're basically retired.

Yeah, she's not married. That's quite late to be married, isn't it, for a woman of that class? She's not even married yet. Despite the fact that Frances Blandy keeps banging on about how big her dowry is, like ten grand or something, they're very pernickety, the parents,

about potential suitors for Mary Blandy. Sounds like they might be being a bit too fussy. Yeah, especially now, apparently, she's not that good looking. I don't want to be sort of like facist but she's described as having a rather

ordinary face that's not improved by the results of smallpox. Right. Not sure why they mention that but they do even out later by slagging off a man's looks. Alright, fair enough. It is a crucial part of most folk tales that the young heroine is exceptionally beautiful so it's nice to know that yeah no wait a minute she's she's not going to get into a photo she's going to be hanged i've just realized what's going to happen yep sorry ugly people

it's the noose for you yeah she doesn't get away with it. She doesn't bat her eyelids and get away with it. The world of fairy tales is siphoning beautiful people into fairy mounds and wizard's caves. Ugmos up on the gallows. Dance the pimp and jig on the old three-legged mare. Speaking as an odd-looking person, I'm very offended. I have the kind of looks where people often say, you should do, like, modelling, but not fashion modelling, but, you know, like, being in the background of documentaries and stuff documentaries about what the olden days

just standing by a well it's poisoned you know that sort of thing storms coming yeah exactly so she was um she was one of us yes they go to dinner at general mark kerr's house and one of the other guests is a scotsman called Captain William Henry Cranston, who was visiting Henley because of army stuff. I don't know. Now, he's described as being short and ordinary looking, with sandy hair, small, weak eyes, freckled and pitted skin, and, quote-marked, clumsy legs. He's a captain. How do you rise to the rank of captain with clumsy legs and tiny

eyes i don't know there was some sort of charm about him as mary would find out he must have had some kind of charisma some kind of leadership ability apparently had a roving eye but i think that's more figurative than a physical description not that it kept popping out and landing in the sugar bowl he was also considered to be highly eligible this is probably how he got to the role of captain he's the fifth son of a scottish peer lord cranston ah right okay yeah that mary falls in love with this odd little weirdo she wants to get married to him why not a couple of oddballs couple of revolting goblins stick them together it's good that they

found each other. And her mum's up for it. Mum thinks, yep, good idea. The dad, he's not so sure. And this has been the problem all of Mary's life. The dad, he's not letting her live her life. Come on, dad. But he starts to warm to him until

a letter arrives. I'm not sure who it's from. It might even be an anonymous letter. But it says says that captain cranston has already got a wife oh right okay yes so this guy's got two women after him at least that we know about minimum two minimum two with his legs yeah amazing so the father's furious and he's like this is not going to happen and around the same time the mother dies as well and so there's no one on mary's side cranston keeps saying that he's going to break it off with his wife up back in scotland but it never seems to happen and then what he says is to mary he says we need to get your dad back on side with me tell you what i'll do i'm gonna go speak to a little witch lady i

know up in scotland i'm to get you this magic love potion. What? You pop it in your dad's drink and he's going to come around. What? This is the most ridiculous plan I've ever heard. Divorce your current wife. That is the sticking point. No, no, no, no, no.

Magic potion on the dad. Don't try and make your future father-in-law fall in love with you. That's madness. This is a throwing popcorn at the screen moment. What are you doing? And then Mary Blandy thinks, Oh, i remember that time but dad was a bit upset and cranston popped something in his tea and he was much happier afterwards so maybe maybe he's onto something i'm starting to suspect that there's a like a brian cranston kind of connection here and that he might be used in

drugs in some way perhaps his witch is no witch at all no she's just a dealer she receives a paper with some powder in it some you could say dust i experience our patreon subscribers will be alarmingly familiar with because of your insistence on sending them small packets of mystery powders it's it's a love potion. So it's a love potion. It's a love potion. Don't eat the love potion. Don't eat the dust. Don't eat the mystery powder. That doesn't just apply to this podcast.

No, in general. Don't eat mystery powder sent to you by any podcast. And so she starts slipping this in, and the cooks and the maids, they sort of suspect something up, because one day, one of the maids has tea from Francis Blandy's teapot after he's left

it and she's very ill afterwards and another time a cat licks out of his porridge bowl and is also very sick and the maids they start to get a bit suspicious and they tell the vicar that they think something's going on so the maids are on the case the maids are not just standing by not idly by no they go straight like this is serious call in idly by. No, they go straight. The maids are like, this is serious. Call in the vicar. Three years later, they go straight to see the vicar. No, I'm not sure if it was three years. But yeah, they get the vicar.

Dog out of the gates. Vicar. Did I ever tell you about my sitcom idea called I'll Get the Vicar? No. That's the main premise. It's like a very lighthearted 1970s sitcom. Very low on jokes. Very, very low joke count.

It's mostly mix-ups about sandwiches. And poisoning? There's no poisoning, no. But usually it ends with someone saying, I'll get the vicar. Until the last episode, the vicar has passed on. You know, this is a British sitcom,

so this is easily run for eight, nine episodes by this point. We're invested in the characters. And the last episode it's it's the wake and someone says i'll get the oh oh and i bet there's no theme music at the end of credits either no theme music nope straight to the quiet credits and you are you are crying you are in pieces you're weeping classic tv moments from the past i thought you were going a different way i thought it was going to be that um you never see the vicar you just hear i'll get the vicar and in the final episode

you finally see the vicar and finally meet the vicar he's like this giant smoking demon vicar that comes in and just like turns people into pillars of salt and stuff the number of tv shows especially american tv shows which end by just saying, by the way, everything that happened before, complete nonsense. Like, the characters learn they're on a TV show and have to fight their way out. Like, the number of shows that end like that is incredible. It's like every GCSE self-defised

drama piece. Let's just do a bit about writing a GCSE self-defised drama piece and how it's quite difficult. Anyway, where were we? The vicar mentions this to to francis blandy and he's like well this is do you feel a bit funny sometimes um oh thanks for the tea mary that's very nice of you drinks the tea drops it cough splutters maid comes in maid says to the other maid he said it was a bit gritty we just we've gone we've seen that scene

from earlier again yeah different context yeah exactly yeah so he dies francis blandy dies right and from the grit mary blandy realizes what's happened the maid she scrapes the porridge bowl at the bottom there's a gritty substance and mary blandy she says oh chuck that away and she throws the paper with the last little bit of poison onto the fire. The maid says, I'll just pop some more coal on that, Mary. Don't worry. Pops the coal and manages to retrieve the paper very subtly.

And they lock it up in the cupboard. They get a local expert, Dr. Anthony Addington, who's a local expert on arsenic. And he presents in the court case about the effects of arsenic. And it actually makes his name. Anthony Addington, arsenic. It's a triple A witness. Slightly smaller than a double A witness.

A lot thinner, slender. But you can't really tell until you've got it in your hand. And so she's found guilty. Cranston's never brought to justice. No. By the way, he escapes to the continent and takes another name. But Blandy is never quite ascertained

whether she knew what she was doing or she was the innocent victim. Right, whether she actually thought it was a love potion. But she is found guilty. So in the court of law, it's said that she knew what she was doing. Yeah. And she did it on purpose.

And she is hanged and her ghost to this day seen on hills and theatres and town halls in a small area of the country. Wherever credulous and excessively imaginative people... Will meet and talk... Wherever that happens... They may see... There you will see her.

The ghost. But, interesting postscript. Whilst Cranston isn't brought to formal justice, on the 2nd of December, 1752, a few months after Blandy was hanged Cranston falls ill he starts swelling and swelling till it looks like he's going to burst and then

he dies and it's never never ascertained what the cause was of this mystery. He just swells up until he's about to explode and then dies and nobody knows what that was yeah no could be that he was haunted from inside orunted from inside. Or haunted from inside, yeah.

I was thinking... Like a ghost manifested inside himself. Inside him. I was thinking ghost poisoned. Ghost poisoning, yeah. That's an option. Good. I didn't like him.

Horrible little sandy haired man. Weak eyes. Don't know what that means, but they're weak. He's one of those characters who, if he was in a cartoon, most characters would have white and then a dot. But he'd be one of those ones with just a dot. Yes. Tiny little bing, bing, bing, blinking eyes. And that's the end. What a tale.

What a needlessly complicated way of telling a story. Yes, thank you. Jumping backwards and forwards through time. As I say, I've just watched Tenet. Masterful. So that's my pitch. Oh, that's the pitch. So if anybody would like to fund the production of this movie. If anyone's got the ear of Christopher Nolan, you know.

The ear of Christopher Nolan is like what a witch would use in a recipe for a pretentious cinema potion. I don't know. What a tale. You ready to score me? Because I'm ready to be scored. Yes. I'm expecting at least an Oscar nod.

Forming my best Mark Kermode quiff. Oh, that would be high. Yeah, if you were to quiff my hair, yes. Too high. You would be dealing with a surfboard length. Or one of those bodyboards. A boogie board. What voice is that that you say boogie boarding?

A boogie board. A boogie board. Is that David Bowie saying boogie board? It's sort of David Bowie, yeah. A boogie board. A boogie board. I'd like to purchase a boogie board. I'm going down to A boogie board. I'd like to purchase a boogie board. I'm going down to Perrinpoth.

I'm going to take a boogie board. I realise also, I was doing Harry H. Corbett. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't afford to spend that much money on a boogie board. You dirty old juke. I'm a rag and bone man. I can't afford that. Ridiculous.

Don't worry about it, Harry. I'll get you one. I'll buy you two boogie boards and a skateboard for the old guy. That was a terrible bowie. I mean, my Harry H. Corbett was pretty bad. So, scores. Let's do naming first. Names.

I like them all. I like the Oily Baron. Oily Bob. Yes. Slippery Joe. I like Triple A. Billy the Conk. Who was Billy the Conk?

William the Conqueror. Oh, William. Brilliant. Yes, I like that. Cool new name for him. What was my surprise there? Willy Conks. Absolutely.

He's good. We've got the Bland's family, the Blandy family. The Blandy family. France is Blandy. That's great. France is Blandy. Apart from the Pyrenees, which are quite striking. It's not true. I mean, it's very unfair for me to suggest that France is bland when from the Pyrenees which are quite striking it's not true

I mean it's very unfair for me to suggest that France is bland when I live in England we invented bland some of it is a bit Brittany that's true I've just looked up blandy

apparently according to houseofnames.com it means having blonde hair coming from the Anglo-Norman French word blunt. Like blonde? Which means blonde. Yeah.

But the surname bland, according to the internet, apparently comes from the old English word gabland, meaning storm or commotion. Gabland. It certainly was. Gabland. Gabland. I have no idea. From the old English comic book word to describe storms.

Oh, yeah. For when you punch a clown in the face. Joan Morgan. That's her name. She was the playwright. The Hanging Wood. Good title. Great title.

I like it. Yeah, because it's gallows are made of wood. Oh, right. So The Hanging Wood. The Hanging Wood, yeah. Sorry, I bit my own teeth there. I don't know if that will come out in the podcast. Have you ever done that? Bite your own teeth? Just sometimes it happens, I bit my own teeth there. I don't know if that will come out in the podcast. Have you ever done that?

Bite your own teeth? Just sometimes it happens. I bite my own teeth. Oh, like when you catch the top ones on the bottom ones and it slightly jars. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't tell how much noise it made

because it jarred my whole head. But names. Yeah, the hanging wood, great. Great name. Those are all the names I've got. That's all the names. What's the title of the story? It's probably one of those films

where it doesn't put the title at the start. Hard Cut to Black. None of your fate to black. Hard Cut to Black. Poof. Then the title comes in. A film by James Shakespeare. So what is that title?

This is your chance to get one more point. And that point means everything at this stage. Oh, I think I'll go with what Rob Walters went with in Haunted Oxford. Poof. Hang Me Low. Nice. Five out in Haunted Oxford. Hang me low. Nice. Five out of five. Yes.

Thanks, Rob. For an original idea by Rob. Right then. Supernatural. Supernatural. Well. That's a very long and confident laugh. Yeah, that was my jab of the hut.

So you reckon you're scoring highly in this category? Yeah. Because of multiple ghost appearances? Yeah. I suppose ghosts are technically supernatural. I think so. So how many sightings have we got in total? We've got the ghost walk folk.

Yes. We've got the appearance during the rehearsal. Yes. Oh, we've got the lifting up of the cup during rehearsal. Yes. And the smashing it onto the ground. That's great. And the reenactment of the court case yeah at henley town hall which is brushed aside in every version of this story they

sort of brush aside that like that's normal that they reenacted a court case in a town hall what for the shiggles i'd assume that the court case happened in the town hall so you're telling me that it no it happened in oxford they just did a're telling me that it... No, it happened in Oxford. They just did a re-enactment in Henley a couple of hundred years later. Wow. Because the playwright saw it, who wrote it in 1969. Oh, right, yeah. But it happened in 1752.

That's unusual, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. No one really goes on about that. The only thing I can think of is when Jeremy Archer did that play about his own trial, where the audience at the end got to vote about whether he was guilty or not. Which is like, yeah, but the thing is you had a trial and were found guilty. This is

a show trial, quite literally, by definition. Yeah, it doesn't really undermine the first trial, does it? Was the judge played by a kangaroo? I think it is five out of five. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I want to make it four, but the cup smashing's too great. A cup that rises up into the air and then smashes to the ground. Yeah. It's five. Yes. Oh, hate to part with them.

Hate to part with third points like that. I knew this was bulletproof. Yep. Yeah, yeah. I'm distributing them freely. Next up, Scott Free. That's my name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm distributing them freely. Next up, Scott Free. That's my name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, very good, because the Scottish man got away with it. Very nice. Is there anything else to that pun than that? No, but it's blooming worth it, isn't it? It's a very good pun. I'm giving you three out of five, because you are spreading that pun quite thinly in terms of score category.

That is one blob of a very nice pun spread on quite a lot of toast. But that pun just swells up and swells up mysteriously until it looks like it's going to burst. Yeah, but the fact that he did receive some kind of rough justice undermines the idea of him getting off scot-free. So that's why I'm limiting it to three.

Okay, then. You've been treated very generously so far. Fair fair enough and if you're not happy with this you can always stage a version of this for 200 years time yeah or just hang around theaters until they put a play on of it the play of the podcast of the film pitch now a west end musical i'd love to be the first podcast to become a musical it I'd just be called Lawmen! But with an exclamation mark. Definitely. So what's your final category?

Gritty. Gritty. Gritty. Because it's a gritty, realistic take on the handkerchief lady. Oh, yeah. It was like a Ken Loach film, wasn't it? Wasn't it? With all the flashbacks and stuff.

And the ghosts. Yeah, and ghosts. Yeah, it wasn't a lot like a Ken Loach film. There wasn't it wasn't it with all the flashbacks and stuff and the ghosts yeah and ghosts yeah it wasn't a lot like a ken loach farm there wasn't even a kitchen sink well no they have to have washed the grit out into something so oh that's true there might have been a kitchen sink there would have been a basin of some kind at least uh so there was there was grit there was the the there was the love potion the quote-unquote love potion it has a gritty residue i imagine that the play was probably quite you know stanislavski and and yeah you know brooding and realist drama the one that was on in the local theater yeah yes okay there is some grit and mostly there's the actual grit and there's

actual grit yep so you've got some grit the However, you told the story in such a stylish way, I would say it was actually quite slick. Damn it. I think you're undermining the grit by your unnecessarily ostentatious presentation. Now, I'm speaking to you as much as to Christopher Nolan here. So I think there's a lesson there. I should have gone with the category de-oily.

Well, even Oily Bob, he's oily. He's not gritty, is he? No, he's slick. Although I imagine some grit would adhere to the oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't change it regularly, his hair oil. This brill-creamed, lacquered French gentleman. He's slippery.

It's a bit like shaking his hand. It'd be like trying to grab a pig. One of the slippery ones. Grab a hot pig. Just slithering around Oxfordshire like an eel like a French eel

bonjour horrible revolting or French L like the alien from Alien

just slipping in and out of vents au revoir I've forgotten what we were talking about I've just started describing how revolting I find the idea of this

oily French man yeah he's completely his body's completely, it's ductile. You know, if you pull on one of his fingers, it's like Eugene Toombs. It just stretches. Oh. He's grotesque. He's monstrous.

Or Stretch Armstrong. Or Stretch Armstrong. For similar age listeners. Okay. So in conclusion, grit, it is a one out of five for grit. But around that single bit of grit the the pearl of a three has formed how about that whoa be happy with that wow as with actual pearls i got no idea how that works it's simply nature james lovely story thanks can i ungerd my noines now yeah yeah

yeah let them. Let them breathe. Let them breathe. Oh, that's better. You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alastair Beckett-King. And on the other hand, me, James Shakeshaft. Very nice. And the Lawmen are taking part in the Leicester Comedy Festival, so you can watch our online show on Saturday the 20th of February. 2021. 2021.

Google Leicester Comedy Festival Lawmen. You know how to spell it. You know how to spell it. And you have to pay £5. Leicester is named after King Lear. That's an example of some of the Leicester facts James is going to be dropping. They got that one for free, James? I'm going to be researching more.

So join us for Lawmen Live and or get on the old Patreon if you want. Oh, yeah. Patreon.com forward slash LawmenPod. I used to think my mum did the dubs when I was a kid because I knew my mum didn't like swearing, but I knew they swore in films and they'd often replace the S word with dear. So you'd have people go, oh, dear. Clay Davis from The Wire, dear.

So whenever I saw a film that had been clearly cut or dubbed for a swear... You thought, that's mum. I thought, mum's been in. Mum's been at the old technology. It's a beautiful illustration of the power that we think our parents have. Yeah. Doing a very good impression of Michael Douglas in Romancing the Stone. There's a lot of swearing in Romancing the Stone.

Yeah, but I saw a version which had it all cut. And that is the film that made me think my mum was a lot better at technology than she is if you knew how she did a screen grab these days oh you would not believe that she had the ability to she's a take take a photograph of the screen person isn't she yeah she obviously doesn't listen to this podcast so it does i can say what i want she's the one who bleeps this podcast and it's not like a noise it's just her tutting isn't it yeah that that noise is just the sound of a marge simpson like disapproval