Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep57: Loremen S3 Ep57 - Jenny Collier - The Lady of the Lake

Episode Date: February 11, 2021

Award-winning comedian Jenny Collier makes her annual Valentine's pilgrimage to tell the Loreboys about another Welsh romance. As usual, the story in question proves... disturbing. This week it's The Lady in the Lake - but not the one you're thinking of. Prepare for Welsh words that sound rude in English, and English words that are distinctly rude about the Welsh. Content Warning: This is a very light-hearted episode, but characters in the tale take an attitude towards domestic violence and infant mortality that listeners are unlikely to share. Also, one of the Welsh words sounds REALLY rude. Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. Alistair, love is in the air. In a Brooklyn accent? Every time I look round. Love is in the air. It is Valentine's Day.

I mean, it's not. It is in a few days' time. Yeah, and it probably won't be when you listen to this. And, as ever, we've got our Welsh Valentine's correspondent, Jenny Collier, the hilarious and award-winning, probably. Yeah, she is. She is. You're not going to check, are you? And if you do, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do? What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do? Love is in the air. Anyway, have a listen to the story. This episode contains some Welsh words that sound rude, but technically aren't. Hey, Alistair. Hello, James.

It's another late night record. How are you doing? Yeah, we're talking really quietly as if we're trying not to disturb an owl and its little pups. Is that what baby owls are called? Yes. Is it? Yep. And they're not fledglings or something? No, that's badgers. Owlets. Yep. Now that's a zoo, isn't it? That's what cockneys think that zoo's called. I'm sure that's really good, but I don't know what zoo you're referring to. Howlets. Right. You can't do material about a specific London zoo and expect that to travel, James. I've never heard of that zoo.

Owlitz? I've never heard of Owlitz. You've seen Ken. Sounds plausible, but... I'm not here to talk to you about zoos. Alistair, I've got another deputy guest law person. Oh, yeah?

I'm going to name her after my favourite pub, the returning hero, is Jenny Collier. Oh, well, let's not make too much noise my favourite pub, the returning hero, it's Jenny Collier. Oh, well, let's not make too much noise in case we disturb her because she's nesting. Let's be very quiet. Oh, there she is. Hello. Here I am.

There she is, poking her snout out of a little burrow. There she is. Is she a bird? And I apologise for snout. And burrow. I can't retract that strongly enough. Don't stand by that, Jenny. I'm sorry.

Hello. Hello. Lovely to be here again. Yes. It's another Valentine's special. So we've got our Valentine's correspondent, I suppose. Jenny Collier. Expert in romance, Jenny Collier.

Yes. I'm really proud of that description. Thank you. Yes. Not accurate, but I'll have it with aplomb. How are you doing, Jenny? I'm really proud of that description. Thank you. Yes. Not accurate, but I'll have it with aplomb. How are you doing, Jenny? I'm all right, thanks. I'm quite tired from saving lives on a daily basis. Yeah. So since you were last on the podcast, the world has changed beyond all recognition and you have morphed into a sort of superhero. Yes, I am basically. Are you a latter day Florence Nightingale? Yes, exactly that.

Alexander Fleming, if you will. Is that the correct name? Something to do with medicine. Did we both say telephone at the same time? Yeah, I think we both did. We've been recording the podcast for so long. In the last episode, we jinxed each other three times, but because of the lag on Zoom, we didn't realise during the recording. It's only in the playback where

you realise we're really providing very similar value here, as we say the exact same thing. I thought Alexander Fleming invented penicillin. Yes, we're thinking of Alexander Graham Bell. Ah, right, right, right. Oh yeah, AGB, yeah. Oh my God, you really are the same person, you two. Yeah.

So I'm not a full doctor yet. No. But I am an admin ferret in a GP surgery and today I booked lots of our older pals in for their Covid jabs. Yeah good for you. Good on ya. You showed us your little badge that says what does it say? I am new please be patient. I'm new please be patient. I can't really use it anymore because I've been there for about three months now. They won't remember. So I can't legitimately use it but I don't think it's meant to be a pun. It's not meant to be. It's potentially confusing. Because they're almost always going to be a patient.

What if a doctor saw that, thought they were a patient, and immediately stopped treating people? And asked you to treat them. How are you going to do that? You clearly knew. Yeah, you don't have the experience. It caused more problems than it solved, if I'm honest. As long as no doctors lost their patients because of it.

Oh! As long as no doctors lost their patients because of it. And I wonder if some people thought maybe just the badge was new. Why would you have to have a badge to tell people that your badge was new? It's so confusing. My mind is reeling. This sign is not in use. I'm an old badge. I know what I'm doing. Do people think that the badge is pregnant?

Maybe. Maybe on board this badge. Yeah, that badge is pregnant. I'm glad that lady's letting it sit on her lapel. You better get her to sit down. She's wearing a badge of two. A badge that's twice as heavy. It's probably going to wee on her. I think that's the badge admin out of the way but

the important thing is jenny collier hero comedian badge wearer badge wearer yeah welcome she's not a badge listener please understand and you're not new this is like the third time yeah third or fourth time i love that we tried to leave the badge stuff behind and we're like no it can't be done this is your fourth appearance, Jenny. Is it? Are you serious? Yeah, it's the third Valentine's. And then you had a little bonus one.

A little Welsh COVID one, yeah. We had a few dragons that we needed clearing up, so we got you in. The facts don't lie. Wow. Well, what have we got this time? It better be a story of Welsh lovers. It is indeed. I've actually done a bit of research on it, i'm i also know that it is about welsh

people and the wooing a bit of wooing a bit of lake action does wooing mean the same thing in wales yes it's spelt it's spelt www because it's a website how is your welsh learning going because you were learning welsh on the old... Duolingo. It's spelled D-W-W. Yeah, so it's going really well, thank you. I'm still doing it every single day since last New Year. Wowzers. We probably should do a quick sort of Jenny Welsh recap. So the number five is... Pimp.

Pimp, yep. Which is brilliant. It's also important to know that Jenny is Welsh, even though you don't sound that Welsh. I don't sound that Welsh. Yeah. So say hello to us in Welsh to prove it. Hello.

Do you want to know what 500 is? I might have told you this already and it might be too rude for the podcast. No, tell us again. I'm desperate to know. Do you know what 500 is? Pimp cunt. I think I have told you.

I must have told you that before. That's one of my favourite facts. That's a bleeping challenge. A blallenge. Yeah, I mean, I might have told... Does it need bleeping, though? Because it's just a Welsh word for a hundred. Yeah, out of respect to the Welsh, do we have to leave it unbleeped? Or out of respect to literally everyone else, do we have to bleep it?

Yeah. Okay, here's one that's slightly family-friendlier. Family-friendly. Do you know... I might have told you this already as well. Carr's one that's slightly family friendlier. Family or friendly. Do you know, I might have told you this already as well. Carrot. What's carrot? Moron. Oh, nice.

Moron. Oh. 500 carrots is just a string of insults. Yeah, buying in bulk at the grocery is a nightmare. Start a riot. This story, I've also researched it,enny it's another hard-hitting welsh romance isn't it it is what would you call it what what's what's the name of it i'm saying that because i can't pronounce the name the way i pronounce it is rude it's rude well i definitely

want to hear your version before i say mine i had no idea you were going to make it sound that rude, but you really did. How should it be pronounced? Llynyfanfach. Oh, the F is a V. Yeah. Llynyfanfach. Llynyfanfach.

And I don't... I'm sorry, I just said but in Welsh then. I was saying but. Llynyfanfach. But I don't know if that sounds rude to you, but I've got rude blindness because I just hear the Welsh. But mine didn't sound rude, did it? No. Just delightful and elvish. Yeah.

Llynydfaan Vach. Am I saying that right? Yeah, that's correct. Or you could say the legend of Nelverch and Gwyn. I could say that, with a bit of a run-up. They're in a place called Midfai, about 750 years ago. Llyn y Fanfach is a lake in the area where Gwyn reside.

It's up a mountain, isn't it? It's in the Brecon Beacons, I believe. Some people believe it to be bottomless. Magical, in fact. There's a farmer called Gwyn, and now a farmer in Welsh is Ffermwr. Okay. With a double F at the beginning. And he is tending his livestock, takes them down to graze around near Llyn y fan vach.

Llyn y fan vach. And shall I tell you what happens? Yes, please. Shall I? Okay. So he's there with his animals. And then one day when he's there he just sees this unbelievably beautiful woman coming out of the lake not to be mistaken for the other

lady of the lake in wales they look they've got a few ladies of lakes so this is not the classic arthurian here's your sword mate exactly lady of the lake different lady of the lake different lady different lake different lady different lake really Different lady, different lake. Really fit woman. The other one was just an arm, really, wasn't she? But this one, she's just hanging around. Being fit. Being really fit. Being, in Gwyn's eyes, the most beautiful woman that he's ever met.

I think it partly might be the fact that she's naked. I think that might contribute to him thinking that, like, being so blown away. She's also wearing sandals. Interesting choice. And yet when I'm naked with sandals. It's a court appearance. As in you then have to do a court appearance. That's not how you tend to show up to court.

So he tries to like tempt her out of the water with some bread. A bit like she's a duck. My mind immediately went to ducks. And then she goes, now there's a couple of different versions of this one person says that she goes oh hard baked be thy bread but he's burnt the bread and so she's like you're not going to catch me that easy with your burnt bread and dives back into the water and he's like gosh dang it if only i had had non-burnt bread yeah this is the wrong type of bread for luring naked women out of lakes shouldn't have gone for a crusty sourdough mother's pride would have been fine oh and another version is that she said oh thy bread is too

crimped i think that means but again burnt um so the next day he goes his mom is like oh well maybe if she didn't like the burnt bread have a bit of this uncooked dough to give to her i think this is the mom trying to sabotage it because i think she's hoping that she's going to explode like a duck because when you give them the dough it makes them explode yeah the ducks eat the dough and then the ducks cook the bread cooks inside them and then they, leaving behind a perfect bun. Just science. Is that like a French delicacy or something? Yes.

Le pain explodait. Pain du canard du boum boum. So then she won't accept it because she knows she'll explode. Or she knows it'll give her some kind of bloating. Moist be thy bread i do not like thee i like the way gwyn doesn't think of offering not bread at any point by which i mean something that isn't bread not not bread which is the best type of bread he just never considers moving out of the bread area alistair is his first girlfriend he's panicking he's only

ever given bread and the fact that she replied when he tried to offer bread, he's like, I don't want to mess this up. If I offer her something, she's lactose intolerant. What if she's vegan? If she didn't like bread at all, she would have said, I don't want bread at all. That's mad. You're right.

Yeah, yeah. She suggested that bread would have been acceptable, but not in that form. But he goes too far bringing the dough, I think. Bringing the dough. Yeah, he's almost sarcastic. Yes. And then on the third day, I think. Bringing the dough, yeah. He's almost sarcastic. Yes, yeah. And then on the third day, he's like,

all right, here's some in-between bread, because she's basically like a wet Goldilocks who just needs the perfect level of bread. And then she's like, do you know what? You've taken the time to figure me out. Bread-wise. Bread-wise. To begin with, when he gives her the acceptable bread she dives back in

the water and then the guy gwyn is like can't believe i messed it up like i really thought i had her with the bread and he jumps can't believe i messed it up trying bread for the third time so then he goes right i'm going up on this cliff he goes up onto a high cliff in order to drown himself in the water because he's been turned down by his maiden it's a bit dramatic so dramatic he just needs to get over it go out with somebody else yeah dry mashed potatoes he's about to jump in and then he hears a booming voice and it's this old wild man coming out of the water and he's like do not drown thyself here i have two very fit maidens and he brings out his daughter and her twin or maybe they're just two of triple i or their

siblings and they look identical and he's like if you can tell which one is yours um you can have her oh i thought it was like uh there's plenty more fish in the sea kind of a message. No, no. It's a challenge. It's like you have to have actually looked her in the eye and made some kind of connection, not just thrown bread at her like she's some kind of mallard. So you must tell which one is her. And a very similar thing happened to me in Bangor. in Bangor in a nightclub known as the Octagon where I danced with a boy all night putting in loads of groundwork flirting away buying each other he bought me drinks and stuff buying each other drinks it was the 90s. Ladette culture I've read about that. So I put in all this groundwork

and then at the end of the night because me and my sisters always used to wear like a black vest top and jeans it was the 90s yeah exactly similar hair similar makeup whatnot similar chokers similar chokers totally i put on all this groundwork and then he cops off with my sister at the end of the night and i think he didn't know that we weren't one and the same there's a lot of mirrors in this club even after you told him what type of bread you liked best, he still copped off with your sister. That's awful. You come back with two subs. There's only one man in Wales that's completed the set

of me and my other two sisters. And when I say completed the set, kissing. He hasn't. They're just kissing. The Pillsbury Doughboy. I was about to say, he might not even know that he's the only person who completed the set but if you've completed the set you're the only person who has no unless he thought it was the same girl three times that's possible is it like a sort of a hat trick in football did he get to keep some sort of match ball? So one of my sisters that he has snogged,

I then snogged him on her wedding day. Okay. Wow. Not to him? Not to him, no. She was marrying another man. You just turned up in a white dress and hoped that he wouldn't notice the difference.

I assume you were both invited and that was legit. I hope Jenny was invited. But actually, I'm probably the one who least snogged him because I had very bad hiccups at my sister's wedding, it was legit i hope jenny was invited but actually i'm probably the one who least snogged him because i had very bad hiccups at my sister's wedding so any kissing was kind of very it had to be very like short it was probably yeah it was just a quick peck on the mouth done now i have to go and try to stop the hiccup it's so strange that i'm single anyway the dad is like which one is the one you fancy i have just realized as well very similar to joey tribbiani and his sisters yes with chandler when he caught fools

around presumably the inspiration for that episode um but luckily the fit one that he actually fancied had a weird sandal tying method and she slyly because she fancied him back luckily she like points her foot out of her bottom of her see-through dress and shows oh actually like i saw you clock my weird sandals so here's a little clue for you and he's like that's the one this is the one this is my bride and the dad is like fair play lad she's yours and not only that not only do you get to have her but i'm going to do a weird like challenge where she has to request some farm animals in one breath so for the dowry this mystical dad is gonna give her all these animals as long as she she has to just count them out though so she has to go in one breath about all the farm animals or did you used to do it in school where you'd go when

you're only just able to really properly count and you'd go hey can you count to a can you count to 100 that's how you say in wales and people go yeah and they go go on then and you'd be like oh i haven't got time no and then but if you wanted to if you wanted to get around that you could go one two miss a few 9900 oh yeah we did that but in a different accent it's a good little trick we were one two skip a few 9900 are you from cornwall no so she gives the guy gives loads of um farm animals and it's like you can marry her because she does her trick though doesn't she she did the um the shepherd's trick shepherds count in fives all right well shepherds count in five so she counted in fives oh she got five times as many

oh i thought you meant i thought when i read that she counted in fives i thought it meant she had to go one two three four five one two three four five one two three four five one two three four five, five, one, two, three, four, five, one, two, three, four, five. But you mean she went five, ten, fifteen, twenty. I think she just went five, ten, fifteen. Yeah, so she kind of did the schoolyard thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it meant she got a lot of cattle. Very nice.

And for her efforts, she was then able to bring a lot of livestock to the marriage. But she also brought a bit of a weird bargain into the marriage as well which was um big caveat big caveat coming a really big caveat a really strange caveat that's never going to serve you well was um you can only hit me twice oh so through three strikes three strikes and you're out. But my thinking would be don't even mention hitting. Like don't bring the idea of hitting into a marriage if you're very much in love. This sounds like she brought it on herself.

That's what I'm saying. But it's just like a bit of a downer to start the wedding on. Especially after the high point of her getting all those cows. Yes. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's a bit of a bummer. But she's like, if you hit me thrice, I will go back to the underworld, back to magic land,

and that will be the end of our marriage. And he's like, I would rather cut my hands off than hit you. And actually, he should have. He should have done that at the beginning. He really should have. He should have. It's not done that at the beginning. He really should have. He should have. It's not sounding that romantic at the moment.

Oh, I haven't stressed enough how very deeply in love they were. You have stressed how fit she was, and I appreciate that. Oh, yeah. She was really fit. And then... They lived happily together for many, many years until... With a really good farm. They had beautiful, healthy sons, three of them.

And they also... I read somewhere that he for the for several years found it really easy to not hit her because she was so beautiful which is one of the most romantic sentences i've ever heard yeah so they did have a really lovely lovely go of it and then one day they're off on their way out to a wedding. They're a bit late or something. And she's like, oh, I forgot my gloves and we're going to be late. So he goes, OK, you catch a horse in this field because they've got horses coming out of their ear holes. You catch a horse to catch the horse to the wedding.

I'll bring your gloves. It's kind of like the oldie worldie. You call the Uber. I'll, you know, go on Twitter. Exactly. She put her screensaver face on and just stood there in the field. And she didn't catch a horse. Didn't catch a horse, no.

He comes back with the gloves and he's like, why haven't you caught a horse? So he's like, taps her on the shoulder, or like gives her a little like jostle. How I read it, she was sort of facing the other way, and he went, like, tapped her shoulder and went, oi, oi, you got the horse? She's like, you ass. You've only gone and and hit me don't you dare do that two more times and he's

like oh no i can't believe i've hit my wait wait tapping her on the shoulder was hitting her that counted it was a call it was a causeless blow oh okay and i think she probably just wanted to dump him because if if him tapping her on the shoulder makes her go two more of them and i'm going to a different realm then i think she wanted out maybe from the first instance we don't know we don't know it's a bit like in the playground sometimes you do you sort of tap a tap like just tap a kid to go ah oh were you hitting me oh yeah so you think she was taking a dive there yes yeah she's oh i'm a bcg that's strike one strike one the guy is like i cannot believe i hit hit my bride we were having such a good time i can't believe that every time he touched her before that was

so gentle that it would have i mean they bore three Like, there has to be some kind of... Like, that would have occurred. Like, you hit me on... You can't put that in. I might just bleep it and leave people to try and work out what you said. So... So they're at the wedding. No, it's not the wedding. No?

It's at a christening. Oh. Sometime later they go to a christening. Ah. And at the christening, which is meant to be a joy to a christening. Ah. And at the christening, which is meant to be a joyous thing, Nelverh, which is her name, pretty name. Up to a point.

Nelverh. There's that sort of choke at the end. Put sunglasses on just to shield yourself from the... So she starts crying at the christening, where everyone else is joyous. She starts crying. And the husband is like, pats her on the shoulder and he's like, it's okay. Like, what are you crying for? And she's like, I'm crying because this baby has a life of pain and horror ahead of it.

And I'm also crying because you have just gone and hit me for the second time. And Gwen is like, what am I like? I can't believe I've done it now twice. And then the last eventful moment in their relationship was they went to a funeral of the baby that was at the christening. Really? Was it that baby's funeral? Oh, that's so sad. What's Welsh for funeral is what I was going to say,

which seems probably not the right question to ask. I still want to know. I can search it and just, I'm sure I can pronounce it. Yeah. Oh, you're so fast at typing. I don't think he's really typing whenever he does that. I hear it a lot and it sounds too much like Batman typing in the 60s. Funeral.

Anglad. Oh, Anglad. Anglad. So then they go to the baby's funeral. The Anglad baby. And then at the funeral, everyone is very sad because it's the baby's funeral. It's the baby's funeral. It's probably one of the saddest.

This story is such a downer at this point. Wait a minute. Is it about to turn around and become happy? Somebody finds mirth. Okay. That person is Nelver. She cried become happy? Somebody finds mirth. Okay. That person is Nelver. She cried at the christening and laughs at the funeral. While everyone is beside themselves with grief,

she throws her head back and laughs with joy at the funeral. And I think Gwyn kind of maybe understandably taps her on the shoulder going, what's that about? What are you doing? What are you doing? Please stop. In fact, I don't think he even says stop,

but I think he just goes, what are you doing? What? Hardly appropriate. Come on, what are you doing? This is a funeral. It's a Baba Danglav. Baba Anglav. What are you doing?

It's a Baba Anglav. What are you playing at, woman? So she says, I'm laughing because the baby is now free of pain and is now gone to be happy in the afterlife. And also now my pain is over, because I now will be gone from you. Could you have hit me the third time? It's not a huge punchline, though, is it? I mean, we've all written stand-up shows. I think that you'd be hard-pressed

to make the death of a baby a big laugh, I think. Yeah, it's nice to think of it like that but it's it's not funny it's not a belly laugh is it it's barely even a wry smile i think a wry smile you still look like a psycho why were you grinning at that baby's funeral ago well his troubles are over get out my quote from her is when people die their troubles are over and so dear husband is our marriage that was the third blow farewell forever she's very much making this funeral all about her and you're right though she's clearly planning it like well why is there already a taxi waiting outside like you planned the whole thing why did you get that horse so she storms out of the church and he kind of comes after her being like,

oh, man. Fully ruins the funeral. Like you say, made it all about her, made it about her finding hilarious the fact that she's out of here. Yeah, it's very reality TV. But she takes all the livestock with her. So she goes back to her house,

gets all the animals and they all follow her. She's like, come Brindle hump come brindle back come a lot of brindle bodied animals i have a list she called them by name hump brindled rump brindled white freckled old white faced grey swint eye and the white bull from the king's court and that little black calf that's on the hook Cleaned him out Wow Your quote noting down Is much better than mine

And he was like she's hell of a fit So he takes all those animals And including geese Sheep, cows, horses Brindled, back, squint-eyed Exploding ducks We've got some unexploded ducks over here, guys. Calling the gendarmes.

The lot takes them into the lake, walks into the lake. Four oxen are doing some ploughing on their way into the lake. Oh. And the furrow remains to this very day. So if you go there, there's like a little furrow that some of the oxen ploughed as she brang them into the lake. And so she brought all the animals in and they all just went into the cold water. So she's like a really like dark inverse Noah.

The anti-Noah. Yeah. And then that's it. And so Gwyn never sees Nelverch again. But she does come back every now and again to teach her sons how to doct. Because they are physicians. Meddig means doctor in Welsh. Sounds like medic. It does sound a lot like medic. Yeah, it does. It does.

And a place near there where the doctor sons grew up is now known as Physician's Dingle. Near there, where the doctor sons grew up, is now known as Physician's Dingle. Oh, that was worth all of the baby death and the tragedy. And to this day, she comes back and tells the doctors what to do. And she's probably had a hand in the Pfizer vaccine. We don't know. It does sound Welsh when you say it like that.

Yeah, Pfizer. Pfizer vaccine. Spelled't know. It does sound Welsh when you say it like that. Yeah, Pfizer. Pfizer vaccine. Spelled with nine Vs. Yeah, she taught her son that he sighed a long line of doctors, didn't he? I think the last one died out in the 1800s or something. The last of the line of doctors.

He had a badge saying, I'm old. Please be patient. I think that's an amazing story. Isn't it? It had so many twists and turns I hadn't anticipated. I just said thanks as if I wrote it. If you had written it,

I'd be like, there's a lot of bread up top and that doesn't really pay off later on. To begin with, I'm like, okay, it's about bread turns out it's about doctors yeah and seo wise you want to think about the title i'm ready to dish out some numbers brilliant okay i think first up we've got to go for supernatural a category with which i'm very familiar good well people can't live in lakes

can they no animals animals can't live in lakes people can't live in lakes, can they? No. Animals. Animals can't live in lakes. No. People can't live in lakes. Twins can't live in lakes. You can't woo a woman with a bread. Women don't like bread. They just don't like bread that much. Someone tried to advertise on our podcast for doyoulikebread.com.

Did they? And I thought, that's weird. I'm going to just find out what that means because it seems like it's activating sleeper cells. It's like a Mancurian candidate sort of phrase hold on i think you said halfway between manchurian candidate and mancunian candidate mancunian candidate all right let's wait to the president okay yeah if i don't know the name i shouldn't't be referencing it. So I did some research, and it's something like it's a meme to do with dating. Right. A question that thick men ask.

Do you like bread? Oh, I think I know where this comes from. It's an Eddie Izzard routine from Glorious, I think, in which teen Eddie Izzard tries to chat up girls by saying, do you like bread? Oh, maybe Eddie Izzard was trying to advertise on our podcast. Probably should have let her. Damn.

So, supernatural fairy. In summary, it's very supernatural. I forgot to say as well, human-sized fairy. That's massive for a fairy, isn't it? Yeah, so the quantity of fairy you're getting is way more than you might expect. Yeah. It's probably how we told her apart from her sister.

Because she was massive. And the sister was fairy-sized. They're all just giant fairies. It's almost like if you met a giant but they were human sized. Like a giant baby. Because when you said if you met a giant

who was human sized, then you pulled a really excited face. And I don't know what you meant by that. There might be giants walking among us who are just normal sized. Tiny giants. And we won't know. So meant by that. There might be giants walking among us who are just normal size. Tiny giants. And we won't know. So you get big fairies, little giants. Very small giants.

Something to think about. That is, yeah, that is definitely the album, isn't it? Big fairies and little giants. Big fairies, little giants. Track one is five out of five for Supernatural. Yes. Yes. Thank you very much.

Yep, I can't dispute it. But I am going to lead those fives right back into the lake after me because you've treated me so badly. You can only count in fives, fortunately. Yeah. Pimp, pimp, pimp, pimp. So it would have been this. This is how she would have done it. Pimp, dag.

Indec, pimp. Dai, dag. Dai, dag, pimp. Tree, dag. Tree, dag, pimp. Direct pimp. I hate aagpimp. Dagdag. Dagdagpimp. Tredag. Tredagpimp. Dagwax pimp. I hate a vague pimp. Pimp's dagwax.

What's the next category? It's got to be names. I feel like you cheat every time you come on here with Welsh names that I can't say. Sen y fan warch. And it's rude for me to give it too low a score. I just feel like you're crowbar, you're pulling an angry face now. Nel Verch. Literally part of this story

is that she lists the names of her livestock. Oh, yeah. And the livestock is called Humpbrindle, Rumpbrindle, Humpbrindle, Rumpbrindle. Humpbrindle, Rumpbrindle. Fair play to her. It would be a five,

but I'm knocking one point off for enunciation. Pedouin. Pedouin. Next category, please. Can't do anything anymore. You can't do anything anymore. You can't talk to women. You can't bake bread for women.

You can't accidentally mistake her for a sister. You can't not bake bread for women. You can't have a bit of a laugh at a funeral. The PC brigade jumping down your throat. You can't stand in a field and look at the horizon going, come and get this wedding. The gender politics of this story are, even by the standards of our podcast, grim.

They're not great. Like, dads shouldn't be handing out their daughters in lakes. Just to someone who recognises them. It is the bare minimum. Even if you're fine with the whole giving the daughter away as a thing, then you should set the bar higher than just they recognise who they are. Yeah. Dads.

It is very sort of, oh, women, eh? Tell them to get a horse and they won't do it, will they? Take my fairy daughter, please. You can hit her twice. Yeah, it's five out of five. Yes. It's very, very old-fashioned and we can all have a good laugh about it. Now things are different.

Yeah, we've come a long way, baby. What is the final category? Final category is rule of three use. Now, we're all comedy experts, but we should explain what the rule of three is in comedy, which is that you say two things and then you say a third thing which is different usually for comic effect you say a thing you establish a pattern you break that pattern yeah and i can't do it in fact this is how badly

i can't do it i remember i was talking to the comedian ian smith you know just before a gig once and i remember saying i can't do rule of three you know I remember saying, I can't do Rule of Three. You know, I said, I can't do Rule of Three. I can't do act outs. And I hadn't noticed that I'd only listed two. I genuinely hadn't noticed that I'd only listed two things. That's how bad I am at Rule of Three. But now that you've explained what Rule of Three is, I feel like actually the category should just be things in threes. Well, yeah, there's the three blows.

Oh, yes. Yeah. The three different granary bakes of bread. Dough, bread and toast. That is actually the three states of bread, though, isn't it, really? There's the twins, dad, triumvirate. Yep, yep, there are three. Yeah, beautiful lady, beautiful lady, terrifying old man.

That is definitely one of the three. Put up a bunch, yeah. Yes, absolutely. Births, deaths, marriages, all the three categories of... BDM. Three categories of church. Three categories of announcement. And there's us.

I'm a human man. James is a normal-sized giant. Jenny, a normal Welsh fairy. That's got better than your intro, hasn it really jenny is there some sort of snuffling beast emerging from yeah i feel really bad about the snuffling beast emerging from a burrow description i've been called a lot worse and was there another thing of three oh three bouncing baby boys yeah Three beautiful sons. Three magical doctor sons. Well. Jenny, just before he does give the score out. I've

taken a breath in. I'll hold my breath. Carry on. We've done ourselves a bit bad here. Go ahead, Alistair. Yep. Jenny's realised what's going to happen. The problem is you've included a number in the category. Oh, so we're going to get three points for it. No, I'll give you a five out of five. You rascals. Yay! We called him. We called him. There you go going to get... No, I'll give you a five out of five. You rascal.

There you go. We called him. We called him. There you go. Put that in your back pocket. Get yourself some sweets. And it was because he held his breath when he did it, like when she was counting and holding her breath.

You do it in fives if you hold your breath. That's what happens. Not bad. That is a good haul. Yes. Is there anything you would like to plug, Jenny, apart from, I don't know, vaccinations? Oh, yes. If you're one of our older pals, answer the fricking phone.

And we will gladly get you booked in for your vaccine where we can all hopefully get back to a normal life and record podcasts in actual meat space. Imagine being able to record this with all particles flying around from one place to another with gay abandon. And please, please support my Ko-fi so I can quit my job. So Jenny can stop helping our elderly. What is your Ko-fi? So ko-fi forward slash Jen Jen Collier A lot of lessons in love there I think Many

And coming soon to the Patreon is going to be a little bit of extra stuff with Jenny about little giants and big little things That's patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. Yeah, and there's stuff with all the other special guests we've had recently. Chris Cantrell reads some poems if you want to really frighten the kids.

Andrew O'Neill tells us about real magic. Mm, with a K. And while you're here... Oh, yeah. And why not get tickets to our live show as part of the Leicester Comedy Festival on the 20th of February? Well, pop a link or just Google Leicester Comedy Festival Lawmen. You know how to spell it. You know how to spell it. There was one of the versions I read had an afterthought, which was, let's all just remember

that Nelverch was from the fairy kingdom. So the way that she laughed at a funeral and cried at christening and stuff, she was going through a lot of grief because she knew she had to leave the human world. And so it was like, let's not forget that she doesn't exist. You used to get those sort of educational, like, Aesop's fables. They would print, like, the moral at the end of the fable in case the story which teaches you the moral hadn't made its point it would just say slow and steady wins the race and I like that the Jenny Collier edition will just say animals can't talk let alone organize a racing event it's not going to happen guess what human

sized giants are just human and no one is talking about this no one is talking about it on the news that human-sized giants could be out there they walk among us you could be one and not even know i bet i am one there's parts of me that that are big is you're like somebody who thought who had a cough last christmas i bet i had it you know what i had covid actually but i had it everyone had a cough in the winter