Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep59: Loremen S3 Ep59 - The Edinburgh Castle Mystery

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

King Jimmy the 1st and/or 6th of England and/or Scotland had quite a rough ride, from “witnessing” a political assassination in utero to being attacked by the world’s rudest cat. This monarch’s silver spoon was something of a double-edged sword (like that special knife designed for cutting grapefruit and/or your tongue). In fact, some believe that little Jim Royal didn’t make it out of short trousers. Will the Loreboys solve the Edinburgh Castle Mystery? [Inhales sharply through teeth like a builder] “we could mate, but it’ll cost ya…” PS: These are Hula Hoops Content Warning: The themes of this episode include infant mortality. Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And I've got a tale from merry old Scotland for you, James. Borny Squatley. Nope. No? That accent vetoed, nope, sorry. Born in Scotland. Nope. No? That accent vetoed.

Nope. Sorry. That was the best Scottish accent. I think this is quite a tale. It's got kings. It's got witches. It's got a mysterious knocking sound in the background of your speech, which I think must be your shed zombie.

Is that or a big woodpecker? Just for any American or other non-British listeners, a hula hoop in this context is a type of crisp. Just don't be thinking about those big plastic children's toys. It's not that. Everything that James has just said will make sense in a few minutes time. It's the story of the Edinburgh Castle Mystery. James Shakeshaft. Yes, Alistair? I have a story for you about your namesake. What? My dad and grandad? No, no, not the James Shakespeare trilogy, but another famous series of Jameses. Bond? I'm

talking about James VI, aka James I. James VI of Scotland, also known as James I of England. James the 6th of Scotland, also known as James the 1st of England. Ah, I thought it was like a quantum leap of James. He was all Jameses in one instance. Oh boy. Full range of James, the James range. The Jammet, the full Jatt. From Jim to Jamie.

He embodied all Jameses. Jammet is very good. I didn't give it its credit. Thank you, I'm glad you appreciated the full Jammet. Yeah. James I famously united England and Scotland, which was widely regarded as very unfortunate, but it's happened now.

United Kingdom increasingly sounds like a joke. Yeah. Increasingly has a sort of ironic twang to it. The other version sounds more like what other countries say when we turn up like, oh, great Britain. What I'm going to tell you is a story about James VI of Scotland. I'm going to tell you about the mystery of Edinburgh Castle. But to contextualise it, you need to know a bit more about James VI and why he's important. So we know he brought together the Lion of England and the Unicorn of Scotland

so they could stand either side of a shield, kind of awkwardly. Kind of like magician's assistants, I always think. There is something about that. I always think it's like, it's the position that Michael Jackson goes in in the thriller video when he goes from side to side. It's very heraldic. Lion. Unicorn.

Lion. And it's hard to imagine what they would have to talk about because they would never hang out in nature, a lion and a unicorn. No. No common ground there. Unlike England and Scotland, which totally get on super well. I guess the unicorn would be like, well, I know a griffin. Do you know any griffins?

Oh, just because I've got a mane and lion's paws, I'm the same as a griffin, am I? Yeah. I think I saw a zebra get stabbed in the head once. James I was no stranger to the supernatural. Right. In 1591 a pamphlet called

News from Scotland was published and that name belied the contents because it was not just news, it was the story about witchcraft. What was the big, big witchcraft story of the period? Oh, yeah. Basically, a bunch of witches tried to sink the king's ship because the devil considered James I to be his very special enemy. The devil particularly didn't like James I.

Ah. These witches included Agnes Samson, who, of course, you will know as the wise wife of Keith. Keith? I think Keith is a place place but i choose to not check no keith is a place because the wise wife of keith uh is such a lovely name and one of the other witches was called euphame mccalsian oh euphame mccalsian now not to victim blame but if you don't want your kid to be accused of witchcraft don't call them euphame mccalsian

you know like if i call my kid Ebenezer Blackthorn. Like there's only so much. There's only so much magic you'll be able to get away with. Yeah. Xavier Hardwood. Like don't call them things like that. Can't think of any more witchy sounding names. Barry Scott.

Is that the Sillip Bang Man? That's the Sillip Bang Man. And how does Sillip Bang work? It's certainly not through natural means. It's magic, isn't it? Mm-hmm. We know that nothing in this world can be created or destroyed except by God's hand, and yet, bang!

The dirt's gone. The dirt is gone. Explain that. I'm now doing the pose of a heraldic lion. And or unicorn. And this was a pretty explosive pamphlet because it was the first introduction to the English readership of the osculus in fame.

Excuse me now? It's a quite famous witchy practice. And I don't know how much detail I can go into on the podcast, but you know the devil's... Well, there is a geographic feature, a cave by a particular name. Oh, yes. The devil's...

And witches were enjoined to... a cave by a particular name. Oh, yes. The Devils. Mm-hmm. And witches were enjoined to place a little kiss upon it. Oh, right. As a way of signing up, basically, because I guess it's the fallacy of sunk costs. Once you're in, after that, it's very difficult to roll it back in anyway. And what they admitted to doing,

I mean, obviously the problem here is none of this happened and they were just tortured. So it's a bit sad. But I think the people reporting it were aware of that. So what they have done is, Scottish people have named torture devices in a really cute way. The first one I came across said they were tortured using pilliwinks.

And another version said pinniwinks. And another version said thumb which is that's excessively twee yeah basically these are all the names for thumbs crews like you can't we don't call the electric chair the tickly seat you can't you can't give them names like that but then the reverse is true because at the at kids parks you have the death slide yeah that is it's so confusing and black bullets do you remember those mints oh no oh they're sort of big big round sort of black mints probably could kill someone with one to be honest one of those suites that have been designed to the exact diameter of the windpipe just slightly larger the natural selectors perfectly ergonomic suite design

so these um these witches what they did was this is a quote they took a cat and christened it nice and afterwards bound to each part of that cat the chiefest parts of a dead man and several joints of his body i don't know what the chiefest parts mean only in saying it aloud it occurred to me that it probably means his willy so four different one on each leg five and one for the tail possibly as a flourish and that night uh the said cat was conveyed into the midst of the sea by all these witches sailing in their riddles or sieves sailing in a sieve classic witch classic sailing in a sieve they'd obviously run out of eggshells good noise that's my new favorite affirmative noise um so naturally tossed the cat overboard, a storm came up,

and luckily, King James VI survived, but he wasn't happy. No. And this, I think this sort of sparked off his interest in demonology,

and he became a noted demonologist. Now, this is an aside. I just noticed it while doing this research. There's a town near Falkirk called Slamanan. I've got absolutely nothing

to tell you about Slamanan, but it came up while I was reading it, and I really like it. Good town name, terrible advice. Yes, don't do it, don't do it. Don't do it, not without the nan's permission. I think this is much, much ruder for any Australian listeners, by the way.

I didn't know that, didn't know that. It's not the rudest thing in the story, unfortunately. That comes next. We've already added a cat. A cat with a winky tethered to it. Well, four, one on each limb. It's sort of like on sexy stilts. Or like, you know, in Terminator 2

when the T-1000 turns his arms into like metal spikes. Like that, but sexual. Okay, but while we're on the subject, it's 1597. James VI writes Demonology. What are we on the subject of? Yeah, yeah, we are on the subject of sexy robots. Okay, cool. Because Incubi and Succubi are lumbering spookily towards this conversation.

Oh. The book is called Demonology, but it's spelled Demonology. Oh, yeah. G, at the end, G-I-E. Demonology. Ooh la la. Not a great book, by all accounts.

It's got one review on Google, which is just a two-star review, that says, I just read Malleus Maleficarum instead. He may not have been a great writer. Didn't he write the Bible? He didn't do that himself. He didn't do the King James...

No, yeah, he commissioned the King James Bible. So he gets all the credit, but he didn't do that much of the work. Can't he write the Bible? He didn't do that himself. He didn't do the King James... No, yeah, he commissioned the King James Bible. So he gets all the credit, but he didn't do that much of the work. Can't think of an example. Like, unless you're talking about Stephen King's It. Oh, don't talk about Stephen King's It. Oh, I want to. Unfinished business. Have a sense of shame.

So, his book Demonology, it's not a great book. Sounds like a perfume shop. The only section I read was about incubi and succubi. He is very concerned with the way devils interfere with that whole business. And I'm going to try and say this in a way that we can say on the podcast. How are you spelling hole? He's concerned with how the devils steal seed. Oh, our precious bodily fluids.

Yes, exactly. In order to convey it from one person to another as they please. Like a naughty bumblebee. They either borrow a dead body, like they inhabit a dead body, and then move it about to achieve their diabolical ends. Or, and this is the phrase, the other method is stealing out of the sperm of a dead body. Direct quote. The king wrote that. Wow. And this is the phrase, the other method is stealing out of the sperm of a dead body.

Direct quote. The king wrote that. Wow. And his main concern is either way, whatever method they choose, this is how you know the demons are involved because by the time it arrives at its destination, it would be cold. And I've had that experience with Deliveroo. Do you remember that heat wave, the lockdown heat wave? Yeah. We thought it's really, really hot.

We'll order a pizza through Deliveroo. And it arrived arrived cold and it was the hottest day in the history of the country so you think it was a dead man's pizza yeah the devils must have been involved must have been extracted from a dead body don't don't say that so king james not a lovely guy basically however it's a bit tricky because he has been unfairly maligned for his sexuality probably bisexual or gay but you know how it is with history and and all you're allowed to say is that they had a number of close personal friendships with men or something you're not allowed to right yeah historia magazine says about it a masculinity was different at the time you only have to consider the clothes men wore festoons of pearls and lace and pom-poms on their

shoes the size of cabbages i lace and pom-poms on their shoes the size of cabbages. I assume the pom-poms are the size of cabbages and not the shoes. But it's a weird argument. It's like, how could Liberace be gay when he dressed so flamboyantly? I don't really get the logic of that.

I guess back then it was probably quite illegal, but it's not like anyone's going to sue anyone for slander. But also, you were the king. The king can kind of do what the king wants to do. He exercises his droit de seigneur to reference a Terry Pratchett joke. Exactly. His droit de monsieur.

His quatre droits du chat. Et une poule de tal. I couldn't remember what tail was, so I said tal. But James I's life was dramatic even before he was born, and that is where the Edinburgh Castle mystery begins. Right. I don't mean to say that life begins at conception. That's not the subtext of this.

But before he was born, while his mum, the Mary Queen of Scots... No, that's the name of a pub, really, isn't it? The Mary Queen of Scots. That's a Wetherspoons, not a historical figure, the Mary Queen of Scots. His mum, Mary Queen of Scots, was in a very unhappy marriage to her consort, Henry Lord Darnley. They were already estranged by the time she was six months pregnant with little Jimmy Six, during which which time darnley was scheming

his way towards becoming king proper rather than just her consort so he didn't really have any power so he was a scheme in a way you scheme me away and he came up with a plan now i'm not going to go into too much details because it's very complicated and there's religion and there's politics but it hinged upon him murdering the Queen's secretary, an Italian man called David Rizzio. Rizzio. Rizzio. The Rizzio the Rat, basically, is how I'm imagining David Rizzio.

So this is a political assassination. It's a fraught period in history in terms of politics and religion. I think you and I both know he's going to need a subtle approach. What would you do, James, in that situation? Oh. Stiletto knife. Something Italian. Poison. Yeah. Oh, that would be good. Yeah. Poison. The old

frozen leg of lamb. And then eat that afterwards. Yeah, exactly. Cook it. What's the thing Italian-Americans eat? Pizza. Gabagool. Gabagool. Gabagool. Gabagool. Yeah, I think so. I'm looking it Pizza. Gabagool. Gabagool. Gabagool. Gabagool. Yeah, I think so. I'm looking it up. Gabagool.

If you Google it, it says Gabagool Sopranos. All right. So it's a US version of Capicolo. So Capicolo becomes Gabagool. So he's got one of them chorizos and he's going to use it as a kosh. Or he's cut it in half and he's using it as makeshift nunchucks. Which, come on, we've all tried it. Would you go for something quite subtle, quite low-key?

Now I want to go for the delicious nunchucks. Go for the delicious forbidden nunchucks. Henley Darnley was very much of your mind. He went for the more straightforward assassination method of stabbing him 57 times in front of the Queen. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Darnley didn't do it himself. It was just Darnley's lads.

Basically, they burst into the room. Rizzio hid behind the pregnant Queen, apparently, which is not a high point in the story for him. Anyway, he was stabbed 57 times, according to the Queen. Also, pregnant women are supposed to stay away from deli meats. Actually, no, I've forgotten they use real knives, don't they? Pregnant women were at that time certainly supposed to stay away from tense situations, like someone being stabbed as many times as there are varieties of Heinz.

So, yeah, there was much speculation about the impact that must have had upon Mary and the child that she was carrying. Some, including Lord Darnley, believed that Rizzio was the future James's actual father and that she'd in fact been having an affair with her secretary. But hundreds of years later, in the mid-19th century, another much stranger explanation suggested itself. What? This is the Edinburgh Castle mystery. So that murder took place at the Palace of Holyrood, which, as we know, is all the way down the opposite end of Edinburgh to Edinburgh Castle, which is on the big rock in the middle.

And I say we all know, because everybody who's performed at the Edinburgh Festival knows the name of all the streets in Edinburgh. Yes. With a ridiculous specificity. I did happen to read a thing about another murder at Edinburgh Castle by James's, I guess, great-great-grandfather, James II. There was a 16-year-old lad called Douglas

who had a lot of land. He never went anywhere without 2,000 lances. I guess that's with people holding them as well, otherwise that's just a nightmare. With people holding them as well, otherwise that's just a nightmare. Yeah, you'd hope. And he was invited to dinner with the 10-year-old King James II and basically they portcullised the gates down, kept Douglas's men outside and just moided them.

Ooh. Murdered him to death. It's very Sopranos, isn't it? It's called the Black Dinner. Mm. Because, oh, yeah, that was it. They brought out a black boar's head for the main course which is like that like means someone's going to die does it yeah i don't know why you would why you would have an established code for what different meals meant were going to happen why tip your hand like that yeah it's just bring

out the treats so it's like uh-oh someone's to get a bludgeoning. Yeah, exactly. And the first course is, of course, murder soup. What? Nothing. I might be a little bit on my guard now. My murder soup's cold. Is men a be served cold? Embarrassed yourself?

This dish is best served cold. Wait a minute. I think I'm going to get revenged here. That's a very good revenge slash gazpacho crossover. Revenge is best served cold, like gazpacho and ice cream. So the Edinburgh Castle mystery, the account that I found of this has been collected by Jan Bondeson, who you might remember as the author of the London Monster book that I read before doing the London Monster episode. He also wrote Amazing Dogs.

And about 10 other books, all of which have brilliant names. All of which have been adapted to ITV2 programmes. A fantastic and interesting writer. He has an article about this in the Scotsman newspaper with a picture of him, and he looks very much as you would hope. Yes. He looks like a quirky pathologist, but just without a bow tie. The kind of guy who's like, so what's happened

here? Well, he's dead. I can see that. You know, the sort of the pathologist. That's him. He tells a story. In 1830, some masons in Edinburgh Castle were knocking off the loose line when they discovered that a certain portion of the wall appeared to ring hollow. Oh.

And what they did was they removed a sort of six-inch thick block of stone and they discovered, according to the Glasgow Courier, 14th of August, 1830, a hole in the wall, three feet and a half long, one foot two inches high and one foot in breadth. In this cavity was found several human bones, some pieces of oak, supposed to have been of a coffin, and bits of woolen cloth, in all probability the lining of it. On the lining, the letter J was distinctly visible.

Now, there's a few different versions of this story. It very quickly sprang up a million different accounts, which are subtly different. Charles Mackey's account in 1832 says that it was fragments of velvet and the initials J.R. And other versions give the initials I.R. I.R. and J.R. could easily stand for Jacobus Rex. Mmm, Jimmy Royal. Yeah, Little Kingy Jim's Jims.

Jimmy Royal's Jim Jams. I'm very unhappy with Little Kingy's Jim Jim because it makes so little sense. Was this the real James I, who had died in infancy and been hidden? They Paul McCartney'd him. Did they? Is he the Paul?

Do we have to explain that some people think that Paul McCartney has been replaced? No, I think... Or is that widely known? It's widely known enough to be referenced in Beatles songs. It's not referenced in Beatles songs, though. Oh, in John Lennon solo songs. What did John Lennon say?

That's not Paul. I think, isn't it in How Do You Sleep or something? Maybe it was an interview, but he basically had a pop-up Paul saying, but he was dead inside. Or something like that. Something really horrible. Yeah, that's John Lennon who was good at saying really horrible things for no reason.

My favourite thing about the Paul theory is that people go that he was replaced by someone called Billy Shears, which is, first of all clearly a made-up name and it comes from Sgt. Peppers. The intro to Sgt. Peppers is like, here it comes, the band you've all been waiting for, you love it, it the band you've all been waiting for.

You love it. It's the lead singer, Billy Shears. It's really funny. It's a good joke for the most famous band in the world to do their opening song about how they're back and then introduce a completely made-up person who is then Ringo singing. So it doesn't even make sense. Yeah, Ringo sings next.

So it just doesn't work. It's like you just missed a joke is what's happened. Billy Shears. Ringo's not even, he's not even the fakest person in the Beatles. And then Pomegranate was placed with a man called Neil Trousers. That isn't a person's name.

Ian the Walrus. E-G-G man. My name? L.R. Nrigby. Penn E.

Lane. Nice to meet you. Absolute nonsense. So the theory is that James I got pulled. Now, the inconsistencies in the story have led the mainstream media, the British Bias Corporation, as we call it on this podcast. Is this that leaflet that was published? The mainstream media, i.e. the News of Scotland,

the pamphlet published from 1592, 1830. The so-called mainstream media has dismissed, has dismissed out of hand, without even looking at the evidence. The monogrammed evidence. Yeah. They've dismissed this tale as the invention of Edinburgh Castle tour guides. Sorry, tour guys. I forgot that's what they were called.

Yeah. Basically, it was just made up in order to fool what Jan Bonderson calls credulous Cockney visitors. And all credit to him for saying that. But there is reason to take it seriously. The historian, I don't want to be overly confident when it comes to names, but I am quite excited about this name. Mm-hmm. P.H. McCurley.

Okay. Full name, Peter Handyside McCurley. What? Also, McCurley, not spelt McCurley, it's got an apostrophe. It's like my Curley. As in McCurley. It sounds like a cartoon character who's like a pubic hair. That's what you'd call him.

Peter McCurley. Peter, hands by your sides. So the historian P.H. McCurley appears now. Yeah, who briefly replaced Paul McCartney. As we all did. It was like jury service. He was a kid at the time, the 1830s, and he claims that he was right there in the middle of it

in a sort of Nancy Drew, Secret Seven kind of way, and that the soldiers of the local garrison, the military men who basically locked down the place after the mysterious bones were found, entrusted some of the bones to him oh although he lost them but still he insists that it happened and that he saw them and they were real he was a fellow of the scottish society of antiquaries and apparently some of the the woolen or possibly silken or possibly velvet fabric made its way to the society of antiquaries so that they have it except that

they also lost it but the point is that they had it so some people think that maybe it was a reliquary all sorts of catholic business was going on at the time so maybe a whole load of catholic reliquaries got just shoved together it's stuck in a hole maybe it was an animal walled up alive for good luck jimmy rabbit yeah bad luck for the animal probably what's a reliquary what's a reliquary oh a reliquary is um the um a bit of a saint yeah so it's the thing that holds the piece of a saint so you see they're beautiful they're usually incredibly elaborate and sometimes in the shape of the body part that the part they contain is so you've probably seen beautiful gold hands.

That's what a reliquary is, the resting place of some piece of Christ's foreskin or whatever it is. There's about nine of those. What? Yeah, yeah. Was he a cat? Yeah, absolutely. You couldn't move for Christ's foreskin in the old days.

Maybe it was very long. It's like walking around in South London, people try and sell you drugs. Christ's foreskin, fingernail of St Francis. Are they kept in reliquaries in the shape of... That is a great question. Golden hula hoops.

That's no hula hoop. There's a lot of stuff that's on the edge of being broadcastable in this episode. Five gold rings? So basically, that's the end of the story. Some people think it was a ritual sacrifice of an animal. Could have been a reliquary. But most enthusiasts believe it was the body of the real James VI,

who was replaced by an actual changeling. Maybe it was the child of an aristocrat. But my favourite version of the story is that Mary slung a rope and basket over the walls of the castle, down the rugged cliffs, and in the bottom was placed a newborn child from the Cowgate slums. Oh. And if you know Cowgate, probably like a flyer for an improv show called If It Ain't Broke, Don't Brexit.

And if that were true, then this very United Kingdom would be founded upon a lie. That's the end of my story. That's quite the open-ended ending. It looks like there is some evidence that something was found. Yeah, and because of the initials on the pyjamas. I think pyjamas might be overstating small scrap of wool. There's no evidence that the skull or pelvis was found,

which is a bit of a disappointment. Because those are the main bits! Those are the bits you need to rule, really, isn't it? Bit for the crown, bit to sit on the throne. Boom. That's all you need. Just put a broomstick in the middle. Be fine. No one will notice.

Also the prerequisites for the osculars in fame. Yes. In conclusion, slam a nan. Sorry, Australians. You've got to do it. You've got to do it whenever I say it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Are you ready to deliver some scores unto me? Yes. I am Mary Queen of Scots in this scenario. Okay, then. I'm ready to give you 57 points, potentially. My first category. There is a woodpecker in the background. I can live with a woodpecker.

Over here. I couldn't actually live with a woodpecker. It'd be a nightmare. We get it. You don't like wood. First category. Yep. Names.

Okay. Naming. So many great names. The. Names. Okay. Naming. So many great names. The book Demonologie. You fame Macalzian. The osculum in fame. Thummykins. PH Pubic Hair.

Johnny Pubes, yes. PH McCurley. PH McCurley's? You have to hope it's short. Or he formed it like a double act. Peter Handyside. How can Handyside

be a middle name? How can it be a name? It is a place in Scotland. Is it? Like Keith. Yeah, like Keith. Or... Slamanan. Right, yeah. This is high. Tooan. Slamanan. Right, yeah.

This is high. Too high. It's too high. Oh. It's five. Oh, good. It's James minus James. Brilliant.

James VI minus James I equals James V. Five. That's not how kings work, but it is how scores work. Delicious. Second category, supernatural. Now, the castle's probably haunted. That's not part of this. I didn't mention it.

It's not part of the story, but it probably is haunted. I did want to say, actually, what I really liked about when they described the hole that they found the bones in. Very accurate. Three and a half feet deep, one and a half tall, one wide. There was none of this like, oh, it was the size of a big oven. The size of an impractical bath. Well, they probably just, yeah, they got the tape measure out. All right, it's three and a half feet long, one foot, two inches wide,

one foot in breadth. I can fill it in, but it'll cost you. Betting a Scottish accent, probably. I don't know who put your little secret wall coffin in, but that's got some real structural issues you need to be aware of there. You got damp there. You got a wee little boy's coffin.

That's no good. See all those letters there? Yeah, they're going to have to come out. See those bones there? They're going to have to come out. See those bones there? They're going to have to come out. Can you stop smoking inside? He's the diabolical builder, the Ur-builder, who exists outside all time,

and the smoke is emanating from his blue overalls. He moves in and out of time to go... to breathe in sharply between his teeth. As the Colossus of Rhodes is being erected, he's there going, It's a bit big, I don't think. The reason they're so vague about the exact price is because they're never quite sure what the currency is where they are. That'll be a couple of monkeys. How much is that?

Evidently, they don't transact in monkeys here Okay A pony? So very supernatural I think you'll agree Way supernatural What could be more supernatural than builders? Than some sort of meta builder An uber

No You got something? No Sorry to give the impression I was about to drop a nugget of gold. I was thinking about something else, to be honest. Thinking about Jesus' foreskin, to be honest. Clong! Is that yours, Jesus?

Oh, I can reattach it, but it will cost you. So, bones in themselves. Hey, wait a minute. Did they turn to dust? Well, we don't have them. There's no evidence of them. Okay. P.H. McCurley doesn't have them.

The Society of Antiquaries doesn't have them. I mean, it was pretty damp in there, I'd imagine, so perhaps they turned to a kind of mulchy dust. But I would put money on them having turned to dust. Ashes to ashes, mush to mush. Mush to mushy. Hmm. We know Major Tom can be pushy.

You've got your deliverer. Ooh. Very nice. Very nice. And all them witches that time. Yeah. Doing unspeakable things to cats. The North Berwick witches.

Absolutely tons of witchy business. 200, I heard. Yeah. By some accounts. That's a large number. I mean, bearing in mind there weren't any witches. That tons of witchy business. 200, I heard. Yeah? By some accounts. That's a large number. I mean, bearing in mind, there weren't any witches. That is very large. Three. Ah, what?

Come on, you were on the brink of a four. I was on the brink of a four. You were on the brink of a four. It's a high three. It's a strong three. Ah. But the meat and potatoes of the story ended up attached to a cat. It was too factual.

Yeah, there were loads of facts, weren't there? Next category, twofer. Twofer? Yeah, because there's lots of twofer ones. First of all, what I like about Demonology, the book, is it's listed on Google as being by James VI and I, as if it was like a collaboration between two guys. And I bet they similarly, like

Leonard McCartney, argued over who got to be first. Yeah, who got first billing. But I did the guitar on that one. Yes, but I researched all of the weird stuff about Sukilai. Why do we both sound like Ringo? Anyway. Was it Yesterday Came to Them in a Dream? Yeah, Yesterday, the tune came to

McCartney in a Dream. We've got loads of twofers. We've got James I and VI. We've got theartney and the Dream. We've got loads of twofers. We've got James I and VI. We've got the Union of England and Scotland. We've got little baby Jay, Jay. And we've got fake-o baby Jay, Jay. His double, yeah. Yeah. We've got little street urchin.

Also, the guy that Paul McCartney and his double, Billy Shears. And Billy Shears, yeah. Was meant to beaned from Edinburgh. Really? Yeah. And I just did a little bit of research onto that. It was How Do You Sleep that John Lennon said, those freaks was right when they said you was dead,

is what he says in the song. It's got a whole load of twofers. Wait a minute. I've come up with a category that has a number in the title of the category. What have I done? Yeah, and it's a low number. It's a low number relative to five.

I'm going to give you two for this one. Are you serious? Oh, I can't believe I walked right into that. I tell you what, I'll double that two and I'll make it a four. Yay! Next category, pieces of man tied to cat. Oh, four. One for each leg. Well, there's also

something on the tail, I think. A cheeky little one for the tail. Yeah, you're right. It's five. It's five. Yay! Special pieces of man. Yes! Final bonus category, Slamanan. Ten out of ten. Five out of five all the way. Ten out of five. Slamanan.

Slamanan. Slamanan-nan. Slam-a-nan. Slam-a-nan. Now it looks as though she's here to stay. I believe. Slam-a-nan. The hula hoop thing makes sense now, right? I hope so. I hope it did. What a troublesome episode this has been.

You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alastair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. And you don't have to, but you can support this podcast in a number of ways. There's patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. Yes. There's co-fi.com forward slash lawmenpod. Yes. There's co-fee.com forward slash lawmen. And there's some merch on there, some t-shirts. Or if you really want to help us, tie the chiefest parts of a man to a cat

and get out there and do the devil's work. Do baptise the cat first. the cat first. You've been talking a lot about coffee recently. You've got into coffee in lockdown. I started drinking coffee during lockdown because who needs restful sleep? Who needs anything other than a constant state

of creeping anxiety? I call it the terror jangle. That sounds like an amazing band. The terror j creeping anxiety. Yeah, just the... I call it the terror jangle. That sounds like an amazing band. The terror jangles. Yeah. No, no, now that you've added the S to it, a terrible band. Yeah.

How can an entire band all play the triangle? I just don't understand it. Or that one that's like a series of mathematical shapes. It's like a block and a sphere and then a sort of wire coat hanger in a funny shape and it goes... Do you know the one? Is that a theremin you're describing there?

No, that's just a couple of pads and an idea. This is like... The story of the theremin. Just an idea. A couple of pads and an idea. You can't make music electronically. Get out. I met a theremin, like an accomplished theremin player once.

You met a theremist? Is that what they're called? Thereminister? Thereminist? Theremoistro? Oh, yeah. Well, he said he was good, but he didn't have a theremin to hand. Yeah, the other person is rarely carrying a theremin,

a challenge theremin in that situation. I play theremin. Are you good? Yeah, real good. Prove it. Just get it out of my pocket. Good dunk. Okay, so enjoy the podcast, everyone.

Yet another tight intro from the lawmen there. Yeah.