Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep62: Loremen S3 Ep62 - Pitcairn Island

Episode Date: March 25, 2021

Alasdair takes us to the most remote (inhabited) place on earth! Prepare yourself for mutineers, Neo-Pagans and a giant glass ball full of noisome gases. We meet Thursday October Christian and discover that paradise is not all it's cracked up to be. There's a lot to learn from this episode: when not to go to a party, how many Chuckle Brothers there were, and which is better, Tahiti or Norfolk? Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakechart. And I don't think we've dealt with a tale as obscure and or as curious as this. No, it's an obscuriosity. It's got mutiny, shipwreck, weird hallucinogens. Hallucinogens. It's got yams.

Not enough of our stories have yams. It's got colonialism. Too many of our stories have colonialism. Mm-hmm, weird that. It's the nasty little tale of Pitcairn Island. Ooh. Yeah. Hello, James.

Hello. I just remembered. What? When you were like a teenager, did you do that thing where you were like, let's just get a house like one day and all of my friends will live in this house and we'll have like a mansion and we'll live in the house. Did you do that? I definitely, at primary school, I got vivid recollections of designing my house. Was it a tree house?

No, it had a bat cave. Okay, great. And a bowling alley. Very, very nice. Just a one lane bowling alley i wasn't greedy so wait you can bowl but everyone else has to just watch no you play in a team of four take it okay okay all right not expecting a lot of friends around to the bowling alley bat cave in even in this fantasy i'd driven by reality of being an only child, putting the only child in very lonely childhood.

Well, my dreams were similar. When I was about 14, I conceived of Paradisia, I called it. Ooh. Yeah. And what I'm about to tell you has got some bad names, and Paradisia is just one of them. Oh, good. So Paradisia was a giant floating ball like a

hamster ball or zorb if you can imagine that but massive and it would float on the oceans and within it there was a sort of a little plate area like so the bottom area was free floating but filled with soil for a sort of bounteous garden of eden and me and my friends would live in in the ball right and just float on the waves and not have to deal with admin and all the rest of it, emails. And we'd just float around. What I didn't think about was, well, you know, we were all vegetarians and eventually that's just a giant glass ball full of farts. Yeah. It's not as idyllic as I had pictured it when you think about the reality of it.

Yes. It sounds like it would start out nice, but very, very quickly become very much deathtrapped. Yeah, yes. Also, at the same time, I created my own pagan religion, which I think is not a great combination with Mysterious Island. In a way, it's a match made in heaven. Creating your own pagan religion while at school

sounds like something a crazy person would do, yes. But Heinrich Him did it i've heard oh so it's not that unusual and the name i gave it was um and this sounds so bad neo-pagans for the new dystopia it's basically i created a cult when i was 14 the slogan being come in our fart ball don't Google greenhouse effect before you come in. It only is a spherical greenhouse, but the greenhouse gases within are a problem. It's got the worst of all the worlds. It is not the paradise we were promised. I say, it's blood strewn across palm trees. What have we done?

My son, you must destroy Paradisia. Break the glass and get the hammer. Perhaps you flew too close to the sun, father. You can't, though, ironically. That's the one thing. Unfortunately, and I know this doesn't go with your personal feelings, you've actually, you've ruled out having it many if any feminists in your paradisia how come well they would be smashing that glass ceiling yep yeah it wouldn't work would it which would would actually save the day for the sort of the build-up of heat and stink but it would doom paradisia to um just getting washed you know like once it gets turned over once it's full and it's sunk to the bottom absolutely well thanks feminists for um giving us

a way out thanks for saving it saving everyone by destroying it thanks for releasing me from the horrible fartball of my own creation but what would be nice it would be your fartball yes the last thing they'd want is to be in someone else's fartball. An Englishman's home is his fartball. Oh, sorry, a Paradisian's home is his fartball. Is that the name of the nationality? Yeah, yeah, we'd have called ourselves Paradisians. And the religion would be NPND?

Yes, New Pagans for the New Dystopia. Sorry, NP4ND. NP4ND-P-4-N-D. N-P-4-N-D. Brackets coming off our ball. Yes, that's the slogan. That's the pitch. If you're interested, subscribe to my Patreon and let's make it happen.

Let's get this on Kickstarter. Also, if you're in a big zorb, as soon as it gets a bit choppy, it's going to rotate. Yeah, and I get seasick anyway. And I don't really like being in the sun, so all greenhouses. You've built your fart ball and now you've got to be really upset in it. So the reason I bring that up is I can identify with the desire

to go and find a paradise only for that dream to turn into a nightmare. Stinky nightmare. Stinky nightmare. So I want to tell you the story of Pitcairn Island. Oh, yes. Which sounds like a Scottish island, because Pitcairn is a Scottish word, but it is in fact a British island.

And the way you can tell it's a British island is that it is right in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Yes. Where we keep most of our stuff. It's the most remote inhabited place on the planet. Wow. Over 3,000 miles, or if you prefer, over 5,000 kilometres from land. I nearly said, what about the moon?

Where Elon Musk lives. It falls down on two of the two categories that you mentioned. I'm a bit tired today. After the moon, it's the most remote inhabited spot on Earth. Upon the surface of the Earth. Pitcairn Island was, well, I was about to say when it was discovered, but as we all know,

places existed before British people found them. But it's tiny. So it's like, it's a Tesco Express of an island. If that gives you... I'm sorry, it's actually pronounced Tesco Espress. I'm so sorry. That one cultured of me. It's actually pronounced Tesco Espresso. I'm so sorry. That one cultured of me. It's actually pronounced Teso Espresso.

It was named after a teenage midshipman called Robert Pitcairn, who was the first person to spot it in 1767. That's as easy as that, to get a place named after you. Yep, that's how you get a place named after you. All you have to do is be 15 years old and on a boat and notice it. Aside, Robert Pitcairn, according to my research, disappeared. Which I think is a nautical term for drowning. Because he completely vanished while aboard the HMS Aurora,

along with the rest of the crew and the ship. Oh. I think I have an idea of where that ship went. Yeah, surface of the moon. Surface of the moon, yeah, up there with Elon Musk. Pitcairn ship didn't land on Pitcairn Island because it's virtually inaccessible. So it's surrounded by steep volcanic cliffs. You might be imagining smooth white beaches.

It doesn't have them. To give you an idea of quite how wee it is, it's about two square miles or five square kilometres. Oh, wow. It really is a Teso espresso of an island. Teresa Company espresso, yeah. And that's got to be every possible way of pronouncing Tesco Express. It's small. It's ever so small.

And the only place you can moor just about is called Bounty Bay. Ooh, like the chocolate bar. Like the best chocolate bar in the celebrations. Pack the bounty. I've had enough of your anti-bounty bias on this podcast. No, I think you're thinking of the Malteser Teaser Islands. And, of course, the fun-sized Mars Bar Atoll. Yeah, the arpeggio of snickers archipelago i think you said yeah i think you said a musical term yeah instead of archipelago again once again i

just read the beginning of the word okay it's not my job to read the rest of the word i was giving you an opportunity to do a retake but if you're happy to stick with arpeggio then yep that's the respect that you have for the listener. Nope. So the other thing that the listener might associate with the word bounty, other than a delicious coconut-based chocolate bar, is the mutiny on the bounty. Yes, the film. The movie and also historic event.

Now, which came first? This will shock you, but it was the historical event oh it wasn't a historical event based on a film like the purge in america yes the boat had now a major motion picture written on it and there was a photo section in the middle yeah awful ruined it ruins the book so normally i when i'm explaining this podcast to people, I say we do historical oddities and local legends and things that haven't had the Hollywood treatment. But of course, the Mutiny on the Bounty has had the Hollywood treatment. So I'm not going

to spend too long on that because Pitcairn Island is what happens after the end of the movie, where the film stops because every single thing that happens after it is extraordinary and far too disgusting to put in a film. Wow. But to give a little bit of context, the HMS Bounty was a respectable British ship picking up food for British slaves, which was a respectable thing to do, apparently. When a man called Fletcher Christian led a rebellion against Captain Bly. Oh, good lad. Yeah, well, I mean... Presumably because he was completely against the idea of slavery.

Interestingly, not. No. Or the Bounty Chocolate Bar? I think you'll come to regret dubbing Fletcher Christian a good lad. Oh, wait a minute. So the enemy of my enemy is not my friend. On this occasion, the enemy of your enemy is an absolute nut bar. Oh, for me, that is better than a bounty.

Yeah, the topic i suppose pitcairn island is still inhabited to this day there are still people there and they have a website saying um well basically the website is called please come to pitcairn island for god's sake.com and it has a somewhat cleaned up history of pitcairn island on the website which mentions at this point that and i quote new, new research shows Fletcher Christian was almost certainly a victim of hyperhidrosis. What? Excessive sweating. And was also a sufferer of a common mental condition

that can lead to limited bouts of irrational behaviour. It's like reverse Prince Andrew. Like a reverse Prince Andrew. Not quite as far from Prince Andrew as you might hope. Oh. More on that later. What he did was, according to legend, he tied a sounding plummet around his neck. That's a big nautical plumb line and he took over the ship so he had a sounding

plumbing around his neck so if it went wrong he could just fling it over side and just be whooped into the ocean that's it that was his get out plan what like that's like his cyanide capsule like a spy have exactly just a big piece of lead tied to his neck. He's got to drag it round with him. During the whole mutiny he has to carry that. Are you planning anything? No. Do you want to just leave it resting on the edge of the ship and have it knocked off by mistake? What's this doing here cluttering up the place?

Or leave it on the bus and then get off? If you'll join me quickly in Etymology Corner, a sounding plummet, like plumb line, take their name from the Latin word then get off. If you'll join me quickly in Etymology Corner, a sounding plummet, like plumb line, take their name from the Latin word plumbum, which sounds like the horrible medical condition

that befell the men once they arrived on Pitcairn Island, but of course actually means lead. Oh, lead bum. Lead bum. So this is all in a movie. They put Bly and his loyalists on the boat.

The movies all make out Bly to have been a tyrant, but it's also possible that Fletcher Christian was just a sweaty madman so I'm not going to pass judgment I am because they were all slavers but still the point is they set Bly off and they seized control of the bounty and went back to Tahiti but they knew they were in trouble they couldn't stay in Tahiti because they knew that as soon as Bly landed and reported what had happened the British authorities would send a ship after them. And that's exactly

what happened. They were being pursued by the HMS Pandora. Infamous for a prison aboard it, nicknamed Pandora's Box. No way. Yep, apparently. Was there hope? A tiny little bit of hope that you might get out in there? No, it was probably poo because it was a box for

prisoners to be in. It's not a nice place. Sounds a bit like... It's the paradisia of the 18th century. A spherical Zorb Nation. Zorb Nation is so much better as a name than paradisia. Paradisia is such a disgusting name. Zorb Nation will be the most 2010s name we'll ever say so they knew they couldn't stay in tahiti because it's the first place they would be looked for so

flitcher christian and eight of his fellow mutineers intended to set off again in search of a safe haven but eight people isn't really enough to build a whole new settlement and also they were all men uh and no yeah which is like an issue you know i don't i don't need to explain this to you james no go on do i need to explain this to you james it raised some issues well it wouldn't i suppose that's the problem so what they did and this is the first i was gonna say this is the worst bit of the story but this is just the first worst bit of the story and it's usually presented as like a prank or a fun jape they threw a party on the hms bounty for some of the local polynesian tahitian people and then sailed off with them still aboard this is why you never go to a party on a boat

it's a rule i've only ever broken once i did actually have quite a nice time but by and large i'd say don't go to a party on a boat you cannot leave no absolutely nightmarish so they sailed around for flipping ages looking for pitcairn island and eventually they found it and it did they have to sort of keep the party thing going for the whole time i get the impression that people who had been kidnapped realised fairly early on in the 3,000-mile journey that this party was... This playlist is repetitive. I mean, I get bored after about an hour at parties. Yeah, someone's going to suggest Truth or Dare.

I just don't like it. I don't like parties. Parties have moved on since you were 15 or 16 by the way have they it's true that they're not really a thing truth or dare is not a main feature of parties now as a 40 year old i'd say truth or what do people do now they just go on their phones and spin the bottle online so they found the island and it was empty but it had been occupied previously by a polynesian civilization so there were statues of polynesian gods uh apparently on the cliffs which they pushed into the sea oh mate yeah yeah first thing we did let's uh deface some statuary now

problems started straight away uh if you don't consider any problems to have happened before this point. This awful, awful party. The numbers didn't work out. And this is presented as like it's a simple maths problem whenever people talk about it. There were only 12 women and there were more than 12 men. And so they divided the 12 women up, but the Polynesian men had to share women, which is presented as like, oh, bad luck for the Polynesian men had to share women which is presented as like oh bad look for the Polynesian men but also not amazing news for the women on the um the Pitcairn Island

library website it's just interesting the way these things are described so one of the Polynesian guys was called Manari or Manali and he was one of the three guys who was still on board oh I forgot to mention there were three old women on the ship and they didn't like them, so they just put them off on a little island on their way. They thought, we don't want old women screwing up the party.

Awful. But they kept the three guys. But it mentions here, Minari was one of the three Tahitian men who joined Christian and his fellow mutineers on their quest for an island refuge. I think that is a really interesting way

of saying, was kidnapped by Christian and his fellow mutineers and taken to an island against his will. A Vanity Fair article from the 21st century talks about the strife that the new community faced. They're talking about the fact that the Polynesians believed that the Englishmen had enslaved them and taken their women. Which is very kind of a, i'm sorry if you felt offended kind of an i'm sorry if you felt like i enslaved you there when i kidnapped you and took you to an island like they did enslave them it was not an ironic enslavement party it was an actual one it was actually they actually enslaved the men and women and um and that is the way the nation

began we're going to do a themed party on kidnappers and kidnappees. It's just, it's horrible. And they began to settle it and lots of problems occurred. But they began to name parts of the island and the names are weird. The places have names like Stone People Fight For, all one word. Oh, good. And Funny Boo Boo. Right.

And Flatty Haywood. And Headache. Was Haywood a former member of the team? A lot of them are named after people who died or did something there. So a lot of it is like, that's Steve's tree. Yeah. Who got squashed by a rock. The best example of that being the place called Oh Dear.

Oh no. Which was Fletcher Christian's final words. Oh dear. As he was shot in the back by one of the Polynesian guys, supposedly, while tending his yams, which I assume is not a euphemism. But I wouldn't care if it were. And so lots of the initial mutineers died.

One of the other guys, William McCoy, was quite an entrepreneurial chap. He got straight to work when he arrived and worked out how to make an hallucinogenic moonshine from the local plants. Oh, good lad. I'm sure that helped. Yes, it certainly did. Before

tying his hands and legs together and throwing himself off a cliff. Ah, drugs. Drugs, kids. Just say no. This is your brain. This is your brain on hallucinogenic moonshine made on an island. This is your brain dashed on the rocks below. It's just such a disaster.

Everything that happens in this story is awful. Although, no, no, I was about to say although, but this doesn't end well. Before he was shot in the back while tending his yams, Fletcher Christian had time to give birth to a child. Oh. Thursday, October Christian. What?

Yeah, that's his name. He was born on a Thursday in October, but that's not enough information still to tell us when he was born. It's weirdly specific and weirdly vague at the same time. Apparently, Fletcher Christian wanted a name that didn't remind him at all of England. And so he called his kid Thursday October Christian.

However, in the early 19th century, in about 1814, when two British frigates arrived at Pitcairn Island and the people on the island came out to meet them and they were surprised to be greeted by a young man who spoke English. And that was Thursday, October Christian. However, they found out that they had got the date wrong when they arrived on the island. And so they thought it was one day earlier than it actually was. So he hadn't been born on a Thursday.

He'd been born on a Friday. he'd been born on a friday so he renamed himself friday october christian so some versions of the story refer to him as friday october christian and some versions of it refer to him as thursday october christian that's very confusing it's really confusing it's a great example of rolling with the punches though someone just turns up and goes you're wrong about what day it is and you're like okay well i'll change my name then. Basically, as you know, between then and now, there's about 200 years. So I'll just try and condense that into a sort of fart ball of knowledge.

Paradisium. Yeah, a paradisia of knowledge. So in 1832, a guy called Joshua Hill arrived, claiming to represent the British authorities, and took over, banning liquor, and then he was kicked out. Now, I'm not saying those things were connected. Just making the observation. That's the order those events occurred. Was he kicked out with his feet and hands tied together from the top of a cliff?

We can only hope. So Pitcairn Island officially became a British colony in 1838, just before they all left, as far as I can tell. Things were getting a bit hard on the island, and the entire island decided to emigrate to Tahiti, where they promptly began to die of diseases to which they had no immunity. Oh. And our beloved Fletcher Christian, he died then, pretty young, not very old. And so they came back to Pitcairn Island. By 1850, there was no clear leader at this point,

but there were 150 of them. So they'd moved up to like a Tesco Extra number of people. And they basically were running out of land to farm and space. And gene pool, presumably. Well, yes, yes. That is the weirdly shaped elephant in the room. The anemic elephant with the big jaw. Yes.

So they moved to Norfolk. Oh, that's cruel. Come on. No, that is not my joke. That is what happened. They moved to Norfolk Island, which is another island in the area. Is that why it got the name? As soon as these guys arrived, they renamed it to Norfolk as a joke.

That's horrible that the people of Norfolk are getting bullied from the other side of the world. By these freaks. Sorry not to generalise about these freaks, but I'm not a huge fan of them. They might not be freaks. They're just the inbred descendants of freaks. Fair enough. Yeah, it's not their fault. So they moved to Norfolk, which was very unpopular among the rising leader in the group,

who was George Hun Nobbs. GHN, George Hun Nobbs. Nobbs, not an original mutineer. Did he? He'd arrived on the island in 18... Not one of the original mutineers. He wasn't one of them. He'd arrived in 1828 and claimed to be the illegitimate son of a Marquess.

Oh, there you go. Basically, a whole load of, like, shysters and con artists rock up on the island and take over. So they moved to Norfolk, where there were presumably things like more food and fewer farts, but they didn't like it. And so they

came back again to Pitcairn Island led by Nobbs. That's the thing with the, you know, the homeland's always calling them back. It's very much the Chester-le-Street of the Pacific, I think. Pitcairn Island. You just want to go back there. They're like the entire island. It's like 150 people and they are all the protagonists in a horror movie.

And they're just like, should we go back to Pitcairn Island? No! No! Should we go back to Death Island? No! I just want to see Oh Dear again. Just one glimpse

of funny boo-boo in the morning light. I miss Flat Stanley. The shocking thing about, well, there's so many shocking things about this story is that they didn't die out and that the island

is still populated now. Oh, what? It's still populated now and Fletcher Christian is estimated to have over 700 descendants god and you might find yourself wondering how are the people of pitcairn island doing now and if you don't already know the answer to that listener don't google it oh that's all i can say because there is just no way a light-hearted folklore podcast can cover this part of the story ah you remember that i said fletcher christian couldn't not sweat right yeah basically by the mid-1990s all the men on the island were claiming to have been in a pizza express in woking so

it would be wrong not to mention this but there is no way i can go into detail but not funny what a disgusting little island yeah although on the upside apparently they've got quad bikes now and doesn't smell of farts yeah it's open air like a little island of lotto louts so are you are you ready to score the island of lotto louts drinking hallucinogenic cider and riding around on a quad bike. Yes, yes. The I love Lotto Louts. Are you ready to grow some scores, James, and then mash them into an hallucinogenic paste for me? Yes, straight away.

Okay. My first category is, of course, naming. Right. The category of naming. How high quality were the names? They were pretty high quality. Come on. Stone People Fight For.

The Stone People Fight For. Oh, dear. Fletcher Christian. We've got Thursday, October Christian. were the names they were pretty high quality come on stone people fight for the stone people fight for oh dear fletcher christian we've got thursday october christian thursday october christian yep that's good that is up there with tuesday lobsang rampa for me for name-based days he's twice the man tuesday lobsang rampa was because he's also friday october christian depending on who you ask he's got two days in hand. Would he hyphenate or would it just be like a slash? So he's Thursday slash Friday. Yeah, I think he's Thursday or Friday October Christian.

End of play on Thursday. Yeah, we all know people who, when they say Thursday, they mean Friday. And that's him. I bet after he changed his name, whenever he was not in his his Sunday best, people like, oh, he's dressed down Friday. That's the sort of nickname you would have got if you'd have worked at the office I worked at where they gave me all the nicknames. We've got Paradisia, my own wet Mad Max scenario beyond fartball. Yeah. That's a good name.

Zorbaland. We've got the neo-pagans for the new dystopia. The worst name for anything ever. Yeah, I also, I've just realised it's got the word nudist in it. What? Unintentionally. It's the new pagans for the nudistopia. What's a topia?

I'm naked, but I haven't bought my topia. The word for the practices would be nudistopiary. And all there is there is hedges and plants. It's, oh no. Yeah. You're going to need to get your bonsai tree a bit bigger, mate.

You're scaring the gulls off. Oh no. I can't believe my disgusting floating ball. It's even worse. We've got the real world equivalent of that in the form of the hms pandora with pandora's box how do they not have their own spin-off show off the back of the mutiny on the bounty i don't know i mean this is heavily named good don't tell me you didn't enjoy george hunn knobs yeah and obviously bounty even though i know that's not what it's named after i do just think

of the chocolate bar and the hms lilt of course hms totally tropical taste do you remember the other lilt the other lilt the other lilt is that the lilt of the fairies no there was another lilt for a brief time i guess it was in the sort of early 90s, early to mid 90s. But James, there can be only one. Well, that's what I thought. But then there was like an orangey one. It still gave you a terrible lilt throat

as they all do. I've just had a can of lilt. Have you ever had ting? Yeah, I love ting. Yeah, it's the same as lilt, but cheaper. Yes. And I think nicer. And if you drink it in your pants, you can do a joke that you can't do with Lilt. Because you're in your pants in Ting? Yes.

That's the joke. I didn't say it was a great joke, James. No, no, no. Tell me that if you were in your pants, let's say you joined the nudist opiaries. I was on the way to join in. You've joined our ocean nudists. Yeah. You're in your pants.

Yeah, you're working your way towards it. You're drinking a Ting. Are you telling me you wouldn't do a, oh, look, it's see me in my pants and ting. Do you see me in my pants and ting? Yeah. Yeah, I think I would. Yes, you would.

You're not above that. Yep. So in conclusion, I think it's five out of five for naming. Is it? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks.

But it was the nudist topiary. Oh, really? Yeah, but it was the new dystopiary that really tipped us over the edge of a big smelly ball in the middle of the ocean. Second category, supernatural. Ah, now then, unless, and you could have gone with this at Angle, I'm surprised no one has, that when they went to the island and they pushed those idols off the cliffs. Strongly colonialist language used there, James. As they pushed those graven images of their own gods. Those, I don't know, neo-pagan nudist topiaries. Yeah, maybe in doing that they cursed themselves.

I mean, I'm ready to believe the whole island was cursed based on everything we know about what happened afterwards. I don't think there's any evidence for supernatural per se. No dust. But I've described to you quite a lot of the things that happened on that island. Are you telling me that was natural? Once he's made that drug, it's... That's the point at which you realise you guys are not all going to make it off the island. Has anyone ever said that for, like Island Discs? As their luxury item?

Mmm, yeah, hallucinogenic yam mash, please. I tell you where you can get that. Paradisia. That's all there is to drink. Yeah, it's going to be nothing for the supernatural. Okay, fair enough. It was a historical oddity, but not a piece of folklore. I knew what I was getting myself into when I chose the story.

That's fair enough. And I'll take it. I'll take my punishment. Carry me back to England. I will hang. Category the third. What happens on Pitcairn Island stays on Pitcairn Island. Apart from that bit where they went to Tahiti, yes.

And also Norfolk, yeah. I've realised that's more of a good catchy name for a category than it is a description of the story. Maybe what happens on Pitcairn Island should have stayed on Pitcairn Island. Yeah. Maybe just a big wave should have come. Hopefully carrying the innocent Polynesian captives back to Tahiti. Those, yeah, the tired party goers.

At some point we've all been lured to a party that wasn't, turned out not to be as good. Yeah, Lib Dems in my case. Say what you will about George Hun Nobbs knobs he never raised tuition fees did he i'm going to rephrase the category so it's not what happens on pitcairn island stays on pitcairn island it's two people talking and it's someone not on pitcairn island saying what happened on pitcairn island and it's someone on pitcairn island saying stay on pitcairn island yeah i think i'm only going to be able to give it a three because of the two occasions when they they famously left fair enough and it is the most remote spot on earth and we have heard about it yeah someone

was clearly talking tahiti or norfolk yeah i go to i pick tahiti would you would you indeed only because i've been to Norfolk. It's very nice. You want to be able to compare and contrast like a GCSE English essay. Yes. Final category. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. I mean, this is a situation even the Chuckle Brothers couldn't have gotten themselves out of. No, not even when they're at the full strength five Chuckle Bros. Had there been eight? Yeah're at the full strength five chuckle bros. Had there been eight?

Yeah, they could have started their own chuckle colony. That is not a broad gene pool. Bearing in mind they were all brothers to begin with, that's not ideal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But arguably would have been a more fun party. To me, to you. And what you need to have, I think, if you're starting a new colony, is a vision, whether it be a chuckle

vision or americans just look up chuckle brothers i assume the chuckle brothers are very popular internationally when barry chuckle died r.i.p a couple of years ago r.i.p bc r.i.p bc bc being the period before the chuckle brothers or bce nowadays you have to say before the Chuckle Brothers. It's BCE nowadays, you have to say. Before the Chuckle era. At the next football game. I can't remember what team it was that they went. At the next home game, Paul was there. And the crowd started chanting, to me, to you, in honour of Barry Chuckle. And I saw a video of that.

That's nice. And I started crying. I wasn't even hungover. That's really nice. That's over. That's really nice. That's sweet. It was really nice. Yeah, so for Americans, the Chuckle Brothers, I just want to give them context.

The Chuckle Brothers are, they're kind of like, like the partnership between like Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro. But they're both De Niro. But they're both De Niro, yeah. You talking to me? To you? To me? I mean, that won't work for all the people who've been listening to this who want to find out what the Chuckle Brothers are.

Yeah, and also, that's not going to make any sense to the people who have heard of the Chuckle Brothers, who will be shouting, no, into their MP3 playing device. That's not what the Chuckle Brothers are. It's clearly the Marx Brothers, but worse. Like a Gentile Marx Brothers. Yeah, and similarly, I think the Marx Brothers were whittled down over time. Yes, there were four to begin with, I think.

Still, not enough to start a colony. Nowhere near enough. Maybe a sort of Marxist utopia. Very, very good. They're just words that exist. I can't do puns, though, so I'm always impressed. So, what was the score for Chucklevision? Yes, in the category of Chucklevision, what's the score?

Two. Oh, dear. For me, and two for you, making four. Yes! score for chuckle vision yes in the category of chuckle vision what's the score two oh dear for me and two for you making four yes it wasn't for chuck it was for oh dear wasn't it it was for oh dear it's actually a five oh great fantastic because oh dear well i think we've all learned i don't want to say a lesson but some horrible facts hopefully the horrible punnage has kind of sort of leveled out a little bit so you just feel you should feel nothing yeah ideally we've dug you down to the hole and then brought you back up to exactly where you were at the start of the episode okay see you next time So, James.

Yeah. Will you be travelling to Pitcairn Island? No, thank you. No? Tahiti all the way, baby. I think we all learned something there, if only that there used to be more Chuckle Brothers. Yep, absolutely.

Just 200 minutes silence there for the Chuckle Brothers who have fallen, which is, frankly, that's all of the Chuckle Brothers. Slapstick's a big part of their routine. You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. And we are doing an April Fool's Day special. A full stravaganza? Next week, Thursday the 1st of April.

Go to twitch.tv forward slash lawmenpod. It might not even happen, this could be a trick. No, it will happen. We wouldn't do that to twitch.tv forward slash lawmenpod. It might not even happen. This could be a trick. No, it will happen. We wouldn't do that to you. So Pitcairn Island officially became a British colony in 1838. Yeah. Yeah, I do think the idea that British colonies were thrilled to become colonies perhaps is not historically accurate.

Might have to check that. Check that in the edits. Yeah. Whether colonies loved being to become colonies. Perhaps it's not historically accurate. Might have to check that. Check that in the edits. Yeah. Whether colonies loved being colonies or not. Not many of them had a party. Weirdly, there is a party for the day when Britain left. Bit rude. Funny that.

I wonder what happened in the interim.