Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep73: Loremen S3 Ep73 - Poppy Hillstead - The Green Lady of Thorpe Hall, Louth

Episode Date: July 15, 2021

Poppy Hillstead has entered the podcast! Award winning comic and podcaster (Poppy Hillstead Has Entered The Chat) joins the Loreboys with a tale of the Green Lady who haunted her childhood in the Lincolnshire Wolds. In a shocking twist, the Green Lady turns out to be a) real, b) Spanish and c) kinda clingy. Find out why everyone is talking about Poppy’s pig’s eyes, marvel at the ultimate stag-do-gone-wrong, and listen very carefully – James might just sing! Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, we've got a tale ripped from true life. From the clutches of life. We've got a guest. Who's the. From the clutches of life. We've got a guest. Who's the guest? It's Poppy Hilstead.

Whoa, Poppy Hilstead has entered our chat. Yeah, she did just win a British Podcast Award, actually. And we booked her before that. Yes, we did. Very sneaky, very cunning. So check out her podcast if you haven't already. You probably have. But also check out her on this podcast now.

Continue checking out the next few minutes of time. Yes, don't stop checking it out with your ears. Hey, Alistair. Yes, James. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're whispering, I can tell, because you're in your children's cupboard. Yes, as normal.

You've adopted the cupboard whisper. Yes. They're trying to sleep. And I'm trying not to make them afraid of cupboard monsters. By hiding in the cupboard and whispering. And doing a podcast about ghosts. Whispering about ghosts. But Alistair, this time on the podcast about ghosts and other things,

we've got a guest. I'm so glad we changed the name of this podcast from the podcast about ghosts and other things. It turns out there's a character limit. Just give it a name nobody can spell or pronounce. That's my advice. Yes. Well, we've got a podcaster who's got a podcast that you can spell

and is much more accurate. It tells you what you're getting. Great branding. It is really good. Thanks, guys. Did you hear her? I did. Hey.

It's the hilarious Poppy Hilstead of the titular Poppy Hillstead of Poppy Hillstead has entered the chat. I don't think we can start throwing around titular at this point, James. Titular, I mean, yeah. Eponymous was right there. The eponymous. And you leapt into titular like it's a carry on film. Come on. Poppy Hillstead, the eponymous Poppy Hilstead from Poppy Hilstead,

has entered the chat. There you go. Hey. I've entered. I'm here. I don't think Hilstead's particularly easy to spell. I've had a lot of Hilstads. I mean, you're talking to Alistair Beckett King and James Shakespeare, so.

Yeah, sure. Whilst we do empathise, we also have it worse. You also think I should shut up. Right. Welcome to the podcast, Poppy. Shut up. That's basically what we're saying. Just let us speak for a moment.

Jeez. Sorry, guys. That's all right. If I go to another country, they think my name's Puppy, like a little dog. Puppy? That is adorable. Yeah. It's really cute, isn't it?

Yeah. Are some people disappointed when you turn out to be a human? I think so, yeah. I was hoping for an adorable puppy that could email. What else do they get? Is it short for anything? That's what I get. Oh, yeah. I don't know what. What would it be short for? I don't know what that would be. P else do they get? Is it short for anything? That's what I get. Oh, yeah.

I don't know what. What would it be short for? I don't know what that would be. Puppetries? Yes. Puppetries, if you were a mythical beast. Perhaps. Wow, I'm going to start saying that.

Puppiana? It could be Puppiana. It could be Puppiana. Puppiana. Puppadopulus. Could be. I didn't realise that Queenie, as in the old woman's nickname Queenie,

was short for Victoria or Elizabeth. Oh! Really? Yes. Clearly neither of us knew that either. That's nuts. So your name's James, so you could be Kingie. Kingie.

Kingie. That's nice. Kingo. Something a bit more cool, a bit more laddy. Have a rebrand. Kingie Shake Shaft. That's nice. Kingo. Something a bit more cool, a bit more laddy. Have a rebrand. Kingy Shake Shaft. That's amazing. It was tough at school, really, if I'm honest.

What did you get? What did they call you? Shake My Shaft. I mean, that's amazing. Is that what the character Shaft's full name is? You're damn right. full name is you're damn right shake my shaft

is really inventive I'm trying to think what I got I'm like really impressed by that wow and sheep shank sheep shank

as well sheep shank randomly I think it's because it was farmer it was quite a rural area what like you stab a sheep yeah's because it was farmer. It was quite a rural area. Well, like, you stab a sheep.

Yeah. Yeah, if it was in prison. And this sheep's turned into a canary or stool pigeon. I forget that in Oxfordshire, human criminals and sheep criminals are confined together in the same prisons. I forget this. Yeah, there's no segregation between animal and, well, other animals. What did you get, Alistair?

I've got red hair. So in the Northeast, when I was at school, everyone just said, your hair's on fire. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the only joke every single day. Your hair's on fire, not your head's on fire. Your hair's on fire. That was it.

And that was the only version of that joke, and I would hear that about three times an hour for my entire teenage years. Your hair's on fire. You know, there were no toppers to that joke. It was just that joke over and over and over again. Someone, I remember a girl called Sinead was like, you're pretty, Poppy, but you've got pig's eyes.

What? And I thought, that cut to the cause i was like what i said i was trying to work out as a pig's pig's eyes like what i've worried about every single other thing on my being but the pig's eyes never well that's because you were looking at yourself with the pig's eyes so the pig's eyes were scrutinizing the other parts of the face yeah Yeah, I suppose. And they hadn't yet looked at themselves. Exactly. I needed to like, yeah, I don't know, look into a magic like pond or something

and see the real pig eyes looking back at me. I don't even know. It was proper like, what? And also I was like, oh, I got a compliment, but it was like the biggest, like most yeah intricately like surreal it's a back trotted compliment really isn't it how did this shanae deliver this was she smoking like a cigar at the time of being your agent you know what puppy you're pretty but you got pig's eyes it's in the history classroom and she was like sat behind me so i was

like okay she couldn't even see the eyes she can't even look at yeah she's not even looking yeah i mean if she'd been sitting opposite forced to look into the pig's eyes day after day i can see why she might have grown impatient but from behind there's no excuse there's no excuse yeah she'd been asked the question on Germany from 1918 to 1939. That's not relevant. Let's just put one big mark to one side and address the elephant in the room. Pig eyes.

Oh, have you guys ever seen, like, one of my favourite animals other than cats is a ballet, like a pig, a boar's piglet. No, a ballet, no. Oh. They're so cute. They're like a little stripy humbug. Yeah, they're just like adorable. Because that's not like they were criminal pigs.

That's what they have around here, obviously, in our animal-human prisons. That's what it means around here. If you've got a reformed sheep, it doesn't mean that it's a grill steak. It means that it is an ex-offender. So where are you from, Poppy? I'm from Louth in Lincolnshire.

It's a little market town. Oh, lovely. Barbara Dixon lives there. Do you remember her, the singer? Yeah. There's a stationary shop that has, like, Barbara Dixon lives there. That's a, do you remember her? Singer. Yeah. There's a stationary shop that has like an upside down sign on it. That's a, that's a famous place.

Sort of a joke or by accident. I don't know. I don't know what, what happened with that. It's just called like, I think people just call it the upside down sign shop. We got ourselves a gimmick here. Yeah. This is the kind of marketing you can't buy. So, Louth. Louth?

Louth. Louth? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I first contacted you about being on the podcast, you said there was a scary green lady in your hometown. Yes. But I thought this was such an obvious one to say because I thought everywhere had a green lady, but now I'm thinking they don't, do they?

Not that many. You can't move for grey ladies. Everyone's got a grey lady. Really? A green lady. Green ladies are rarity, is it? Yeah, I remember being like really, really scared because I thought, I think it was either I thought I saw it

or someone thought they saw it, but we did like a little trip with our school down to, there's like a big park called Hubbard's Hill in Louth. Yeah, I think there was some rumour about it. It was something like, she will grab you. She will grab you out of a bush. And that's why I thought she might have been called Green Lady because she's like hiding in shrubbery. For camouflage, like in the TA. Yeah. So when you say she'll grab you out of a bush she's just

grabbed you there's not any like further you know knowledge of what will happen to you after you know I mean no I guess nobody comes back so yeah it's probably not for a cuddle yeah it's probably for like gouging your your pig eyes. That's what I was worried about growing up. It wasn't like, oh, she's a ghost or anything. It was like, she literally just lives around here and she will get you kind of thing. Oh, so she wasn't believed to be supernatural. She was believed to just be evil.

And then that kind of merged into, you know, that thing you did where you say Bloody Mary like three times and then spin round and stuff? That was our, you know, it was all about the green lady. It was very green lady focused. So is this Hubbard Hills? Are they near Thorpe Hall? Yeah, it must be.

It does have like a big bit of land and it has like deers on it and stuff that you can't go into. That sounds like a haul. I'm scared now. I'm getting scared already i didn't know it would like be based on any oh yeah particular thing then it must come from somewhere but i didn't know it would be kind of like a fact a sort of fact get ready for some facts so what the story is is back in 1596 the owner of thor Thorpe Hall, Sir John Boll,

or Boll, B-O-L-L-E, was part of a gang of lads. He was one of the Earl of Essex's captains. Essex boys. Essex boys. And they went to Cadiz. Yeah, Stag do. And burnt the city down. Yes, classic, classic Stags.

Yeah. Absolute lads on tour oh mad holiday oh yeah one of them's probably got their tie tied around their head like rambo yeah so these english lads and a few dutch lads went to cadiz it was during the time of our wars our many wars with spain a little before the art the failed armadas brit British editorialising there. That failed because Spain didn't win. Because of the weather. Yeah, because of weather. Even though the mayor or whatever of Cadiz was warned by the Portuguese

that these lads were on their way. Mayor of Cadiz warned by the Portuguese. He was unprepared for the attack and ended up having to burn his own ships rather than let them fall into british hands anglo-dutch hands crikey okay the english got there burn the city down according to a quote they treated very well the people and in particular the women not offending them in any way apart from stealing all their stuff and burning all their houses down, they were a bloody good bunch of lads.

But apparently they nicked so much sherry on this trip that it popularised sherry in England. Really? Sherry became popular in England because they nicked that much. So it was an absolute booze tour. Yeah. Lads, lads, lads. Wow.

They did so much damage. It was one of the major things that led to Spain's bankruptcy the next year. I feel terrible. Oh, it's all right. On the way home, they stopped off at Faro in Portugal and also burned that down. Come on, lads. Was he a Lauf boy or was he an Essex boy?

He was a Lauf boy, but he'd fallen in with the Essex boys. So blame them. Yeah, okay. Burned down one village, shame on Spain. Burn down two villages, shame on you. Shame on the Iberian Peninsula. You haven't heard much about a green lady yet, but don't worry, she's turning up.

I'm hanging on in there. Because what had happened was a wealthy Spanish lady from Cadiz, according to the song that was written about this, fell in love with these Englishmen and said that she wants to go home with one of these English lords because they're so nice. She's nuts. After doing all this. Yeah.

And the Englishman assures her that Spain is full of fair lovers. And she replies, Spaniards fraught with jealousy we often find, but Englishmen through all the world are counted kind. This is like me when I'm 15. I'm some kind of horrible guy. He's kicked over a bin and you're impressed. I remember my first proper boyfriend asked me out on a date and I met him outside the post office.

And as I was coming towards him, he'd got a Mars bar and he was just chewing it up and then spitting it on the floor to his dog. And I remember being like, wow, he's so cool. James is amazing. Was this post office on fire? Yeah, blazing. What, is she basically like everyone in Spain is fighting all the time? Well, she says that the wife of every Englishman

is counted blessed. And there's a song or a ballad called The Spanish Lady. Are you going to sing this song? I'm going to have a go. Yeah. I don't know the tune. That shouldn't be a problem. Will you hear a Spanish lady

How she wooed an Englishman man garments gay and rich as may be decked with jewels she had on of a comely countenance grace was she and by birth and parentage of high degree but i've sadly only got the first page of it. Oh, come on. I was about to start clapping along. I was loving it. Yeah. The start was a bit Les Mis and then it just went into like kind of Monty Python. Cock me knees up.

It got very have a banana. I'm loving that. So basically she got captured by Sir John Bole and... Captured tells a different story than all the previous accounts you've given us, but it sounds more plausible. And it was when they were due to release them, because there was a ransom and stuff, and she says she wants to come back to England

and be married with them. And he's like, well, it wouldn't be good for your reputation if you came on a ship full of soldiers, would it, mate? So you'd probably best stay here. This is confusing. So she saw them burning down all this stuff and was like, oh, I fancy him. And then he kidnapped her and then she was like,

I fancy you still. And then he's like, can you go? Just go away now. And she's like, no, I'll come back and marry you. Is that right? Yes. And he's like, well, you can't go on a boat with all these soldiers. That wouldn't be right.

And she's like, well, why don't you pay for me to go for a boat on my own? He's like, I can't afford to do that. I love this woman. And she's like, well, I'll pay for it. I'll pay for it. And he's like, no, the voyage would be too dangerous. And she's like, I would be willing to die. And then finally, he admits that, well, actually,

back home I do have a wife. Oh, mate. You can't believe it. He's been stringing her along. This is Hollyoaks-like stuff happening. Her self-esteem needs to be raised a little bit. Didn't believe it until now, but here is documentary proof that women love bad boys.

Yeah, there you go. And he is one of the worst boys I've heard of. I love it. He's the baddest boy. I love it. He just hung on to the last minute that he'd got a wife at home. He's actually getting onto the gangplank of the boat. Actually, I have a wife, bye! Whole echo.

And her reaction to that is Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise. Have this gold necklace. Oh. Have this lovely chain of gold and these bracelets. I'm going to go become a nun. Oh, come on.

Yeah. Now. She's gone f***ing nuts. She's got that. She's angry. You can tell. I can feel that rage. Have this gold necklace. Have these bracelets.

F*** you. Give them to your wife. Yeah. You. Give them to your wife. Yeah. When you give them to your wife, explain where you got them. Why didn't you explain where you got them as well at the same time? I'm scared. And also, in this version, there's a few different versions of the story. In this version of the story, she always says, here's a painting of me.

When you take that home and put that up in your house of me. Oh, his wife will love that. In a green dress. Oh, God. He did that. In a green dress. Oh, God. He did. He did? He did. There was a portrait of a woman in a green dress hung up there,

and this was this Spanish lady, and her ghost was meant to haunt the house. In fact, Sir John Bowles' son, Sir Charles Bowles, would leave a knife and fork out for her at dinner. Oh, my God. I mean, they for her at dinner. Oh my God. I mean, they've kind of brung this on themselves. He should have just dumped the painting in the sea on the way back or something like that. I'm sure there would have been no negative consequences of throwing the haunted painting

overboard after spurning your Spanish lover. Easy. There's a few other sirs that were on this lad's tour that are connected to this legend. Sir Erion Lee of Adlington Hall, there's a painting of him with a gold chain on, and that's meant to be the gold chain of this Spanish lady, and she's also meant to haunt up there.

Sir Richard Levinson in Trenton was one of the lads on tour. Sir Francis Popham apparently had her preserved pearl necklace. So they spread a haunting around each other like an STD. This is horrific. Maybe. What are they thinking? Spreading it out, just keep it in one place so you can monitor it. This is not good.

That's not ectoplasm. These are Louth boys still. These are some Essex boys. They're all from around. There's one from Chester. Right. Popham with the pearl necklace from Wiltshire. Sir Richard Leveson's from Staffs.

And Sir Urien is from Cheshire. Yeah, and then your Louth boy. Representing Louth. It's dinner's day, hasn't it? I'm disappointed. To tie this into your version of the legend, she's not often seen in the house. She's mostly seen or heard in a tree near the house.

Oh, really? Yes. Oh, that's scary, isn't it? You can house. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, that's scary, isn't it? You can see, oh, that's horrible. You can see how that's kind of like been passed down to like, she's in trouble, going to get you. Yeah, she's worked her way down to ground level. She's like, I can't get anyone up here.

I'm just going to grab kids as they walk past. By the way, I should note that while i was very very scared of the green lady i also believed that pokemon lived in the power plant bit uh that was i was scared of that as well so i was like and pokemon aren't even scary like yeah you're not meant to be afraid of pokemon it's pokemon Pokemons. I prefer Pokemon. That's my chosen plural. Pokemon. Pokemans. I'll compromise.

What about Pokemy? That sounds like a good plural. It's got a bit of shake my shaft about it. I'm not sure. Why is she in a tree then? What was her? I don't know why she's in the tree. It doesn't really say.

Just giving it a go. It says, Where to this day there is a traditionary superstition among the vulgar that Thorpe Hall was haunted by the Green Lady who used nightly to take her seat in a particular tree near the mansion. Among the vulgar?

An unnecessary diss to... What did it say? Vulgar? Yeah. What? The vulgar? Sorry, let me read that again. Amongst the vulgar and pig-eyed.

Oh, God. She's starting on me now. The pig-eyed locals. I hate her. You know, she's just like, she's got to get some self-esteem. She should have just been like, go home, just use him and send him on his way. Do you know what I mean? Instead, she hung on for dear life on that emotional roller coaster

and then just like... Yeah, and now she's a ghost in England. She probably doesn't speak the language. Yeah. It's going to be confusing for her to be haunting in a second language. Annoying the vulgar. Leave us alone. Stop harassing the vulgar.

I think there's enough issues. You're still our Pokemon. We've got enough to worry about. We've got an infestation of Pokemons in the power station. That shop sign is upside down, so you can imagine I have a lot on my hands. Yeah. Yes, indeed.

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I should go back to Laof and try and... Deport her, basically. Yeah, I can't leave it like this, can I? Go full Brexit. Yeah, right, out you go. Come on. Have you applied for settled status?

No, don't think so. Get out of that tree. Okay, Alistair, are you ready to score us? I am, yep. Go on then. Just pulling on my scoring pantaloons now. Excuse me a moment. Just doing the buckle. I'm ready. I wouldn't mind that as long

as you just wore regular pantaloons in between. You're right, the changeover is the awkward part. Just pop them on over your normal pantaloons. And then just, maybe just get sort of tearaway ones like a stripper. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah oh

yeah that's a good idea do you remember those trousers yes we had those in school with like the press studs that because it was considered very important to be able to get your trousers off quickly but they was a teenage boy rip them off yeah and in the web series i've got coming up i'm not meaning to plug that plug it it's just that yeah you know obviously it's set kind of like early 2000s, but there's a lot of disgusting clothing that I've got to get back into. Diesel jeans. Oh, God.

Maybe a No Fear hoodie or something. Wow. Or a, I don't know, Linkin Park one that's like a knockoff one from Mabel Fork or something like that. It'd be Linkin Park, but it's actually spelt Lincoln Park. Lincoln Park. That'd be great. So, Alistair, first up.

Okay. Naming. The category of names. All right. Poppy Hillstead is a good name. Yeah, great name. Oh, thanks. We did discuss all of our names in some detail.

Yeah, we've got good names, yeah. Really good names. So that's probably one point right there just from us. Yeah, yeah. What else have we got? The Green Lady. That's nice. Cadiz.

Yeah. Sir John Bowl. Sir John Bowl. The Earl of Essex. Sir Erjan Lee. How is that? U-R-Y-A-N. It sounds like urgently.

Erjan Lee. Erjan Lee. Erjan Lee. Supposedly from Lancashire saying urgently. Richard Leveson. Yeah. Francis Popham. All good names, yeah.

Sound of an exploding pig. Yeah, maybe. Popham's fun to say. No, I'm not particularly impressed by any of these names. Oh, God. I'm afraid. Please. That's right.

Scrabble through your books, James, see if you can find anything you've forgotten to say. Quickly. Quickly, James. Oh, God. I'm afraid. Please. That's right. Scrabble through your books, James. See if you can find anything you've forgotten to say. Quickly. Quickly, James. The song was written by Thomas Deloney. What? We call him Thomas Delonely in school. Yeah, more like Thomas the Lonely.

Okay, it's a three. It's a three thanks to the last intervention of Thomas Delonely. That's a good score so far. It's average. It's like a three-star review. It's like, no, it's not bad. It's as close to average as you can get. Oh, it hurts, doesn't it?

Okay, okay. Supernatural, Alistair. It's strong. Yeah. A lady whose love and bitterness lasts across seas, across time, across the Lincolnshire area. Yeah. Across the whole of England. Across the whole of time, across the Lincolnshire area. Yeah. Across the whole of England.

Across the whole of England, yeah. All these lads have taken a little piece of a ghost back with her. But we need to get them back together and then back to Cadiz to bury them in Cadiz so she'll finally be at rest. Yeah, maybe. What I'm saying is epic heist. Wow. Are you in?

Oh, yes. Let's do it. Epic stately home heist we steal all these things back we bury them the necklace the painting like let's break into some places right now let's go to laof break into our only mistake was podcasting our plan before executing it also the painting's no longer there at thought paul it's's gone. Oh. It'll be somewhere. It'd be fun just to break in. Yeah, just break in for a look around.

Yeah. Snatching kids into bushes is pretty supernatural. Poker Men, very supernatural. So I think it's a four out of five for supernatural. Good. Good. That's good, isn't it? A good old score for supernatural.

Yeah. Okay, then. The third category. Category of the third. Lads on Tour. Beep, beep. Mm,. Category of the third. Lads on tour. Come on, lads on tour. Lads, lads, lads. Just think of the bants.

Oh. Think of the... Five bantasauruses stampeding over the landscape. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Charging into buildings. Yeah. All of those names on the back of the T-shirt with the names, you know. Pop them.

Yeah. Levers. The Levers. Yeah. Come on. 10 out of 10. I think it's 5-0, 5-0, 5-0, 5-0. What else could it be?

What, noughts? Nothing? No, it's 5. It, 5-0, 5-0, 5-0. What else could it be? What, noughts? Nothing? No, it's 5. It's 5. Oh, thank God. Yeah, because, I mean, they went down to Cadiz. Stinking of sun cream the whole time. Brought back a load of duty-free sherry.

Whole country's loving it, you know. What a holiday. I might go with them next time I go on holiday. Poppy, I thought you'd learn, Poppy, to have more self-esteem and not go for the local bad boys. I've fallen right in there. Now I realise that nothing has changed. What's his number?

He sounds great. I could change him. Every one of them chewing up Mars bars the whole time, spitting them out. And just gobbing it on the floor. Has he learnt how to feed a dog from a documentary about birds? That's not how you feed a dog. It's quite nurturing and sweet.

Maybe that's what I was taking from it. The reason you're not supposed to give chocolate to dogs is not because it's not body temperature. Oh, God. I've just realised I'm putting myself in prime position to be very heavily haunted by the green lady, aren't I? By being like, you know what? You couldn't change him, but, you know, maybe you'll marry me.

You're positioning yourself as the laid-back, cool girl alternative to a child-kidnapping ghost. Yes. She's more the manic, pixie-green girl. ghost. Yes. She's more the manic pixie green girl. Yes. Yes. Final category is a very special one and one that I think I'm going to get top marks for,

but it's in a pig's eye. That's what the category is called. Yes, thank you. That's not why you keep the category. Rolled up and slid into the pupil. Oh, God, that's horrible. Like a revolting surrealist film. Yeah, what do you think?

In a pig's eye. What's that mean? It's a phrase that means something that's unlikely to happen, which, yeah, that is all unlikely stuff to happen. And you've presented it through the lens of your own eye. They are piggish. It's really awful that now in order to gain points, you have to flip-flop and insist that you do have pig's eyes.

I do have pig's eyes, yeah. Aren't pigs, medically, aren't pigs very similar to humans? They do test a lot of things on pigs because they're so... Yeah, apparently doctors can't tell us apart. What do you mean doctors can't tell them apart? Wait a minute. That isn't true. Doctors actually can tell pigs and humans apart.

Look, it's five out of five for in a pig's eye. Yes. Yes. Does that mean I've done the best out of anybody, any guest ever? Yes. I can't remember what anyone else has ever got, so I'm going to say yes. I've took this really to heart.

Oh, look at your little glinting pig eyes. They're sparkling. I'm so happy. There's tears in them. There's tears in my pig eyes. So if people are interested in animation, podcasting, comedy, web series, and people with the eyes of a pig. All performed by someone who has not let her pig eyes hold her back.

How could they find someone who is that whole package? They used to be able to find me on my website before I forgot to pay for the domain name. So time travellers, go to poppyhillstead.co.uk. Yeah. You can find me on Twitter or you can just find my podcast. It's on everything. It's on the internet.

Poppy Hillstead has entered the chat and the premise of it is great. Do you want to describe the premise very quickly? I basically go into chat rooms. Which still exist. They do. and i have real conversations with real people and then me and guests re-enact the conversations for the listeners at at home so yeah it's uh it's it's great i'm gonna be just go warm people it's disgusting it's just a sort of support group for people with big body parts

i've got i've got eyes i've got a curly tail i can't type with these trotters oh i'm just thinking of a pig's bum that's not good because that the the anus is very high do you know what i mean yeah i do that would be that would be the worst part of a pig to to have really high up anus and if the person sat behind you in history could see it then yeah sticking out my diesel trousers yeah i'd hate to live like that. That would be horrible. Really stressful. It's just that anybody walking past with one of those trick flowers that squirt water, you're vulnerable.

Or a nice, like, clean. That's like Japanese toilets. Yeah. Yeah. That's a cautionary tale i feel cautioned if you've got a wife don't put up paintings of women that you met on holiday basically absolutely. Absolutely right, James. It's true for the ages. Well, if you like the Lawmen podcast so much

that you want to take a picture of us and put it up in your house, angering your spouse... Who has also got a podcast. Then what you can do is get on patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod and become a supporter of the show. And print out that email confirmation, blue-tack it to you all. Your landlord won't mind.

No, no. As long as you're not putting any hooks in. Actually, use white tack. You'll never know. You ready, James? Yes. Three, two, one. No, that doesn't count.

That doesn't count. I could see you, Poppy, putting your cup of tea down as you realised. I panicked. I nearly threw that cup across the room. That's how desperate I was to get a clap in. I've not actually met you in real life, Poppy. Is that a standard size cup?

I think it's a bit larger than average, but I might, I mean, I might be a teeny tiny little pixie. You never know. I might just try and keep up that, you know, catfish people with that. Is that a doll's house, Sophie, you're sat on? Actually, this is a really big settee as well. Oh my God, what have I done?

I've like created like a Hobbit. You're not to scale peter jackson like visual effect by accident yeah you're all done in camera