Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep76: Loremen S3 Ep76 - Odd Robin

Episode Date: August 12, 2021

James Shakeshaft takes Alasdair Beckett-King back to Chipping Campden via Chipping Sodbury, County Louth and North London. The Lorelads are on tour [AIRHORN!] and they have one thing on their minds �� sightings of animal ghosts. Join us on this journey and meet Sir Francis Bacon’s ghost chicken, an immortal cat, and (of course) the maître d’autobus. Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakechuffed. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, I did a thing that sometimes happens about an hour before we recorded this podcast. What was that? I realised that the main story I prepared was not quite enough. So I needed to desperately flick through my various books of folklore. Frantically bolstering. Massively bolstering. I think it worked out really well, James. It just gave everything a bit of a feel of

lockdown favour. LDF. What's the name of the story? It's the story of Odd Robin. Odd Robin. Odd Robin. Very peculiar, man. He's so very odd. Alistair, hello. Young Master James, hello. Ah, that's nice.

That made me feel like your ward. Yeah, I saw myself as like made me feel like your ward. I saw myself as like your housekeeper or butler. Young Master James, the carriage is ready as requested. Thanks, old man Alistair. I'll take it from here. I don't know. I don't know how people speak to servants.

I think they say, I'll take it from here. I'll take it from here. I'll take it from here. Which is like, it's been done. I'm just gonna show it off to some other posh people alistair young master james how are you i'm good i'm gonna do some revisiting this episode whoa yeah have we finished folklore we've we've completed all the towns and villages in the uk does that mean we're finally free from the curse no because i've i've realized that there

was one thing i didn't tell you enough about last time we came to chipping camden oh so i need a sort of a previously on lore men sting here how do you make a previously on lore men happen previously on lore men and that is the tale of the camden wonder also Also, Chip in Camden has a ghost bear. Any questions? I'm not letting you include the ghost bear because I feel like you're just going to add loads of supernatural points to an unrelated bear. If you actually hear the story of the ghost bear, it's clearly not a ghost.

It's just a bear. I mean, does anybody in the cut have any critical faculties whatsoever? I like that. How did you do that? Just remembered to put it in in the Cote d'Or have any critical faculties whatsoever? I like that. How did you do that? Just remembered to put it in in the edit afterwards. Oh, okay, right, yeah. Then how did I hear it?

This is confusing. Yeah, it's magic. It's a kind of magic. It is a kind of magic. Is that what that song was about? Editing? Yeah, it's a kind of magic. That was a working title of Blink of an Eye.

The Walter Murch book? Yes, yes. It's a kind of magic. That was a working title of Blink of an Eye. The Walter Murch book. Yes, yes. You can't expect our listeners to get references as obscure as that. Google it. It's a classic text. I went on a limb because I can't even quite remember the name. I think it's In the Blink of an Eye. That's Walter Murch, director of the scariest children's film ever, Return to Oz.

That's who we were referring to, if that went over your head. Did he direct that? It's the only film he directed, and it's an absolute banger. It's a terror fest. The Gnome King doesn't allow chickens anywhere in Oz. Oh, this is tying in very well, then, to the tales that I'm going to be telling you. Also, quick sidebar, when I went to mime school...

LAUGHTER Have you told me before that you went to mime school and I've blanked it out as a thing I'd prefer not to believe? I think so, because I would have done my joke that I went to mime school, I don't like to talk about it. That's a great joke. But the guy, the tutor of the mime school, the head of the mime school, Desmond Jones, I think his name was.

Right. He taught the wheelers how to wheel. Did he? He trained the wheelers. It was the wheelers I just impersonated there. Yeah. The wheelers are the terrifying, bewailed baddies from Return to Oz. The second scariest bit, I think, are the wheelers.

Yeah. The scariest bit is Monby's head's all screaming. Yeah, waking up and screaming, yeah. And the headless body sort of flailing around in the background. What a film, kids. Oh, yeah. Sorry, we're talking about

a kid's film. It's 1985. We know how to make kids' films by then. Yeah. And yet, Walter Mudge goes out there and makes the gothist.

Every kid who watched that grew up to be a goth. How do you start a kid's film? Electroshock therapy? Okay. What's a good format for a kid's film? It was all a dream or it was all a sort of fit induced by electroshock therapy? And being swept off in a flood post-electroshock therapy.

Yeah. It's a great but terrifying movie. It's a great film. Anyway, previously on previously on lawmen we talked about chipping camden where we talked about the camden wonder and i briefly teased that there was a ghost bear in the town yeah this isn't a major part of my story this is just a little sort of eases back into the vibe of chipping camden what had happened was there used to be a little visitor

to Chipping Camden. He's described as being small. A lot of the people in these stories today are described as being small. I presume they're adults and not children. But yeah,

a small dark-haired foreigner. Oh yeah. Yeah, not my words. The words of a book about folklore. Hercule Poirot, by the sounds of it. Used to visit Ch in Camden, bring in with him a bear

that would dance while he played the fiddle, a textbook dancing bear. It makes me sad, though, because few of those bears are dancing from joy. Yes, yes, definitely. You know, you want the bear

to be dancing because nobody's looking, but those bears are dancing because people are looking and paying. And one person in particular is looking yeah probably has a stick unfortunately it's not as much fun as it sounds a dancing bear no in their little cages there's no room for a sign that says live laugh love or wine o'clock it would have no meaning to a bear, the phrase wine o'clock. Am I drinking Prosecco yet?

Hey, we've made animal abuse fun, so let's move on. Fortunately, that animal abuser gets his comeuppance. Good. One harsh winter, when apparently the area was close to famine, he became seriously ill and died. Je suis malade. Oui. And when he'd been buried, some travellers from the Cheltenham area took the dancing bear away.

And it's apparently never been known what happened to the beast. But the following winter, people began to talk about a big shambling beast wandering around the area where the bear had used to dance. By the way, that place was called Heavenly Corner. Oh, Heavenly Corner. No. And it was said by many that it was the ghost of the dancing bear come to look for his master.

That is a level of affection from the master that I wouldn't have expected from the bear. Yeah, it sounds like it's got bear Stockholm syndrome. You're using that in the youth slang sense of bear. Yes, but fortunately that does also fit to show that it was a bear version. What is the word for bears? Because otherwise I'm just going to keep saying bear.

You know, you have porcine for pig. Ursine. U-R-S-I-N-E. Ursine. Oh, ursine. As in ursa major, ursa minor. Big bear, baby bear. And one bear that was just right.

Few dogs were seen around that part of Camden on wintry nights. And if one did go to that bit, the heavenly corner, they would start yelping and run away with their tails between their legs. Because the bear's like, Get out of here. Get out of here. Leave me alone. Because also, I've got a couple of things I think about bears,

whenever I think about bears. One, they look like a human in a dog costume and two their grizzly bears especially are terrifying but they have undermined by the way their nose sort of wobbles around when they roar i think you know sort of twitches did you know that i think going back to editing i think they don't roar you see in films they go back on their hind legs and they roar i think that they double lions roar over it legs and they roar. I think they dub a lion's roar over it. Really? Because they don't really make a sound.

It's just not good enough. So they put a lion's roar on the top of it. Wow. Which is dangerous, actually, because you could be camping and you could be hearing, thinking, I'm safe here. But not realising that's the sound of a bear approaching. I was going to say, the thing about no dogs were seen there is I think we forget how full of dogs everywhere was in the past.

Yeah, just knocking around, yeah. If you ever watched hundreds of silent movies, because you had to because you went to film school, there's just dogs in the background of every shot because they're just shooting on location and there's just stray dogs. And they couldn't get rid of the dogs. And yeah, they can't afford... It's not Hollywood.

They're just filming in the street. And so there's just dogs walking around the whole time the area was thick with dog the stock things of a british silent movie are a dog in the background and a baker having a fight with a miner so that the miner gets covered in flour and the baker gets covered in coal dust and they swap they swap colors they swap lives that is the plot of i'm, 90% of films from the 1920s. Baker-miner confusion. Baker-miner conflict, which in reality, there's a lot of class solidarity between those two groups.

They're rarely actually in conflict. They don't often meet in the wild. But in 1920s films, it was straight out of the mine, straight to a baker's, straight to a mill. Actually, thinking about it, it was a miller, wasn't it? That would make more sense, that they would have flour all over the place rather than a baker's, straight to a mill. Actually, thinking about it, it was a miller, wasn't it? That would make more sense that they would have flour all over the place rather than a baker. Anyway. Well, bakers get floury. Bakers can get

floury. If we've learned anything from today's episode, it's sometimes bakers get floury. Kids. Oh, actually, I've just noticed this as well. When the dogs ran away from that heavenly corner, they ran towards the other end of town which is called cat brook oh cats won't like that no so and the cats presumably ran on to miceville

and so on that is the ghost bear that i referred to in the previously on lawmen bit previously on lawman previously on lawmen i'd been thinking about that because I bought an excellent book recently called Mystery Animals of Britain and Ireland. And it's a book, I put it on our social platforms, and it generated the most chit-chat of anything. Did you get engagement, James? I think. Oh, wow.

I'm looking at a chart and that line's going up. I think in part because it has its contents page on the cover, so it just lists the best bits in the book, the Surrey Puma, the Beast of Exmoor, the Big Grey Man of Ben McDooey. They say you shouldn't judge a book by a cover. That book knows that people do and has just skipped over the whole cover thing altogether, gone straight to the contents page. Do it.

The Horseman of County Louth. Ooh. I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right, but do you want to just hear a little bit about the Horseman of County Louth? Yeah, yeah, please. Okay, this happened in 1966. John Farrell and Margaret Johnson were driving down a country road in County Louth in the Republic of Ireland,

and they were driving past Lord Dillon's estate when a huge animal loomed up in the road of Ireland, and they were driving past Lord Dillon's estate when a huge animal loomed up in the road ahead. John braked, and what Miss Johnson saw was a huge horse with a man's face and horrible bulging eyes. Wow, that horse has a man's face? A

huge horse with a man's face and horrible bulging eyes. Those eyes are bulging more than I would expect. I think he screamed, but both of us were sore frightened. We were paralysed. The thing had a horse's body, but it was this. Lirian and hairy and huge. We're shocked.

And then they drove away, very scared. Does everyone know about the frozen chicken ghost? What? Have we mentioned the frozen chicken ghost before? I don't think I've heard of that. It's a London ghost. It's in Highgate. Lord Francis Bacon...

Himself the ghost of a pig. A French pig. He was doing some experiments with using snow and ice to preserve things and he had it in his head that he could freeze a chicken. Nah, never happened.

So... It's crazy talk. This is in 1626, and he was pondering the preservative effect of snow and ice. So he had his coachman buy him a chicken from the farm that they were passing, pluck it, gut it, kill it, pluck it, gut it.

That's the order. Yep, that's the standard order. And he started stuffing the bird with handfuls of snow, and put it in a bag filled with more snow. And it says here, while doing so, however, fits of vomiting and shivering, which he'd already felt on his coach journey, grew worse. And he took refuge in a friend's house in Highgate and then died. Oh, wow.

And there's a ghost associated with it. But it's not Lord Francis Bacon's ghost. It's not the ghost of a French pig. It's the ghost of that chicken. 300 years later, during air raids in the Second World War, several aircraftmen, firefighters and residents of Pond Square in the area reported seeing a large bird, unable to fly because most of its feathers had been plucked, running around in circles and flapping the stumps of its wings.

Oh. And it was seen again in the 60s and 70s, and it just dropped out of the sky. What? With a squawk. And whenever it's seen, it is shivering. Because it's cold. I guess so.

Because of the snow. So he did preserve that chicken in the end. Yeah, for all time. In the afterlife. That is bizarre. Taking us back to our region, one last little fun animal tale that comes from Chipping Sodbury, which is near Chipping Camden, because chipping is a local word meaning to cheapen. It basically means it's a market town.

There's a junction of Broad Street and High Street, and there's a cat that haunts it. But that's not a ghost, because that cat was also the victim of an experiment by an alchemist who was trying to concoct a potion which would give something everlasting life it haunts it in the sense that it always hangs around there but it's not a ghost it's an alive cat that's still alive because the alchemist and he succeeded in making this immortal life potion, but foolishly left it in a saucer on the ground. And the cat drank it. And do you know what? He never managed to repeat that experiment.

And so that cat wanders the earth. No, just a little bit of chipping sodberry. Oh, right. But forever. And will do forever. If he heard that there was free chicken down in Highgate, he might get the bus or something, whatever cats do when they need to travel. Link that cat up with the ghost chicken and just try and hammer this thing out.

And that's the worst superhero team ever. Yeah, an immortal cat and a very cold chicken. I'm trying to do cold chicken noise, but... That's good. That's good. Because the teeth can't chatter, obviously, because they don't have them. It'd just be a beak, just...

The kitten could, I suppose, wrap itself around the chicken to warm it somewhat. I don't think they're going to get on. Oh, okay. The immortal cat and the ghost plucked chicken. Oh, yeah, stick them in a flat together. I'm watching it. The heating is on too high. The chicken's like, but I am the ghost in a flat together. I'm watching it. The heating is on too high.

The chicken's like, but I am the ghost of a cold chicken. It's going to take us forever to pay off this heating bill. Well, it's lucky because you're immortal and I've been preserved. Right, so the real thing I wanted to tell you about Chip and Camden is a man called Robin, described in this book, Folklore and Mysteries of the Cotswolds by Mark Turner, as a tiny man who was thought by many to be rather odd because he always talked about how there was a ghost in his cottage and his cottage was called Robin's

Cottage unimaginatively. He said there was a ghost of a little girl which had appeared many times who had run down the length of his back garden on fire. Oh, I don't like that. And jump into the stream at the foot of the garden. People thought he was odd because he would bang on about this ghost so much. Yeah. On the one hand, you would think that was odd. But on the other hand, if you saw that, you would bang on about it.

You would mention it. Yeah, it's come up. One time he was found digging at the bottom of his stairs because he'd seen the little ghost girl again descending into the floor beneath the stairs wow this and on three occasions a catholic priest conducted an exorcism but it was kind of i think that was more to just shut up this guy because he would not stop banging on about it and everyone thought he was just odd and made it up but several years later a bank manager came to live at the cottage who could be more trustworthy than a bank manager he saw the ghost of the little girl too and he found that his back door was unlocked and unbolted although

he was certain that he'd locked it the night before wow then one time the neighbor of robin of odd robin had his son and his two little granddaughters to say, these two little girls gave independent accounts that they had seen a little girl with her arms waving wildly, running down the garden with her upper body surrounded by a blue light. Oh, the blue flame. Yeah. The blue fire.

So, maybe Odd Robin wasn't so odd. Yeah. Or maybe he set a child on fire and came up with the perfect cover story. He couldn't stop setting children on fire in his garden. That's the secret. Do it and then just tell people it's a ghost and they'll be like, is that a child on fire?

Classic Robin. Oh, Robin. Where's little Marjorie gone? Why is there loads of kids' bodies in this stream? Yeah, I hadn't really thought about that side of it, yeah. Yeah. No, there's an admin issue. So I thought I'd look up Robin's Cottage and see what it looks like,

have a little look, add a little Google around. And I think it's an Airbnb now. Oh. The reviews don't mention a Burning Girl ghost as far as I can see. But I've seen a few. I can't quite work out because there's a place called Robin's Cottage in Chipping Camden but it doesn't have a stream at the end

I suppose a stream could be redirected or covered over I did even more digging not like Robin at the bottom of the stairs just looking at things on the internet and I found a map of the flood areas or the flood likely areas in Chipping Camden and whilst I couldn't find one called

robin cottage that was in the flood area implying that there could be water nearby i did find one weirdly called controversy house what that is an amazing name this is an amazing name for a house like a charles dickens novel yeah but even charles dickens i, would think that's a bit obvious. A little bit on the nose. What's the story of Controversy House? Maybe it's that someone who lived there kept setting fire to children. People are so judgmental these days, so ready to leap to judgment. Or in a stream when they're on fire. So ready to leap towards water while aflame. I mean, all the other houses have got normal names.

Your normal, you know, Brookside house. That's near the river. Oh, and there's one called The Tining. The Tining? There's one even more unimaginatively named The Cottage. Meh. Meh. So backing onto the water is a house called Controversy House.

That fits the description. One called Pavement Cottage. I've just found Robin's Cottage on the map. What? I've just found it on the map. What during the recording you've just found it? Yeah, live. It's next door to Diamond Cottage.

Diamond Cottage. It's four doors down from Daphne. Not Daphne's Cottage. Daphne. Just Daphne. Just Daphne. Yeah, I found Robin's Cottage. There it is.

Wow. It is outside of the flood area, but it does have a stream at the bottom, and it is on Park Road. If you I found Robin's Cottage. There it is. Wow. It is outside of the flood area, but it does have a stream at the bottom, and it is on Park Road. If you live in Robin's Cottage, get in touch. Yes. Let us know if you are on fire. And is there a hole at the bottom of your stairs?

Yeah. Because someone kept digging there. Mm-hmm. So that's sort of, I suppose it is kind of an animal-themed one because a robin is a type of animal. Yeah, well, very clever. Very clever. But that'sin is a type of animal. Yeah, well, very clever. Very clever. But that's those loosely linked bunch of stories.

I like it when you bring in a grab bag, James. The Shake Shelf Special? The Shake Shelf Special, yes. Just all the bits of loose batter from the chip shop. You know, you can just get a bag of batter. Oh, bag of bits. That's what this is like. Delicious with a bit of vinegar.

Do you remember they monetised bags of bits? Because they used to be free. Did they? You just have to ask for them. Can I have a bag of bits? Yeah, it's 50p in my head. Oh, 50p for a bag of bits? You're just going to throw them away?

Are you being kidnapped as a child? You sound muffled. Is someone going to take you to their cottage and put you on fire? I'm a bloody hot nut not before I finish me bag of bits. What's that word for when you're wet? S fire. I'm a bloody hot nut not before I finish me bag of bits. What's that word for when you're wet? Satched. I'm satched.

I'm satched so it would be quite good if someone caught but then I'd end up satched again because I'd have gone in that stream. Yeah, my Geordie child

varies wildly in tone from sentence to sentence. Gets very angry. Furious child. Furious child. Furious child. Holding on to a lot of anger there. I enjoyed that story very much. Thank you for that bag of bits, James.

Any time. So that was currently on Loremen. I've just received a note from the commissioner, James, that says that in the North East, bag of bits were known as scraps. Oh, bag of scraps. Just scraps. It really emphasises the growing up as a Victorian orphan vibe

that the North East has. Can I have some scraps? Anyway. Are you ready to score me? I am. Come on then. Bring on your score. Bring on the score sheet.

I will. I'm licking the end of my pencil. Yeah, it's horrible. Why do people do that? They don't need to be wet to work. What era are you from? I did it a couple of times at school because you'd see it on the telly and it was horrible. Why do people do that? They don't need to be wet to work. What era are you from? I did it a couple of times at school because you'd see it on the telly

and it was horrible. Disgusting. So, are you going to score me, firstly, on names? Names. I think the names have been quite good. Francis Bacon. Tiny Odd Robin.

Tiny Odd Robin. Chipping Sodbury. That always seems to get a laugh. Controversy House. Controversy House. You can almost hear the harpsichord being played in Controversy House. The theme tune of the British TV drama Controversy House. Oh, the bear haunted part of the town called Heavenly Corner.

Oh yeah, that's quite good. And the dogs went to Catbrook. Yeah, okay, that's nice. I think it's a respectable three. How do you feel about that? A bit hard done by. Someone's laying the foundations for their own controversy house. Someone's just got planning permission.

Yeah, controversy in the house. I think it's a three. Fine then. Robin is not that unusual a name for a man. It isn't really. Oh, okay. Supernatural. Oh, what?

You can't move for ghosts in this story, James. Yeah. You move one ghost aside, there's another ghost behind it. Yeah. You find a ghost chicken, he's only teamed up with an immortal cat. Yeah, and they're hunting a big ghost bear that scares dogs.

Yeah, it's against nature. That's in this weird animal version of the Avengers. Not the Marvel Avengers, the proper Avengers. The British TV series, the Avengers. Oh, just a little side ghost, by the way. Cat Brook Corner, there's a ghost of a man called Marshall there. Oh, oh, oh, just a little side ghost, by the way. Catbrook Corner, there's a ghost of a man

called Marshall there. Oh? Yeah. There was a triangular patch of grass with a pile of stones at this junction and it was apparently where Marshall had been hanged

and it was known as Marshall's grave and the pile of stones was to prevent Marshall from rising from the ground. Oh, nice. But it didn't work because his ghost kept coming back. Get more stones on there!

One ghost chased a load of dogs down to the other end of town where there was another ghost. The dogs can't escape ghosts. They're being dive-bombed by ghost chickens. It's so cold. Yeah? It's more of a cold pigeon noise. Maybe the pigeon's the interpreter.

Stop drowning the pigeon. The little girl's got it. She's pulling it into the river. And the chicken is enjoying the warmth momentarily. Of the burning ghost girl. Of the burning ghost girl, yeah. Oh, it's busy, isn't it? There's a lot happening.

It's like a Where's Wally. Next category, then. Menagerie slash Ghost Zoo. Oh, first of all, both great names for bands. Menagerie or Ghost Zoo? Well, I was going with Menagerie slash Ghost Zoo. Two different bands. Menagerie slash.

Very violent imagery in that name. And Ghost Zoo, who are a bit more sort of electronica it's sort of repeating the supernatural one isn't it we've just got a load of i've got a load of ghost animals there's a lot of animals in this and i need to do something with them you've got a job lot of ghost animals and you need to shift them i forgot to mention the tower of london ghost bear oh that's a second ghost bear there's meant to be a ghost because i was trying to find another example of a ghost bear but there was just that one in the tower of london that's all i be a ghost, because I was trying to find another example of a ghost bear, but there was just that one in the Tower of London. That's all I got for ghost bears.

It could be where the original Camden bear ended up. Because he didn't have a job anymore. He sort of retired and thought, I'll see the sights. Yeah, he was picked up by those people, and we don't know where they took him. Could have been to the Tower of London. It could have been. He could have been a treasonous bear. There is actually, in Mystery Animals of Britain and Ireland,

apart from the horsemen of county louth there's the abbey house animal the things under the bed the man monkey the big grey man of ben mcdrew the demon in the stable and the beast in the orchard buckets of animals give me 5p and you can come and look in my ghost zoo i've got actually it's not that good a zoo is it i've got i've got a chicken with no feathers on it that's moaning. You've got a frozen chicken. That's not really an exhibit. I've got an immortal cat, which is

for all intents and purposes, a cat. Yeah, you have to wait a really long time to get the value out of an immortal cat. I've got a ghost, but they say it's a ghost bear, but it was only a year later. I think it was just a bear. So you've got an actual bear in your ghost zoo. Oh, this ghost zoo's rubbish.

It's a complete rip-off. And then there's a disturbing burning girl running past. And thematically a bit jarring. Yeah, that's not a good tour guide. It's too fast. Slow down. In spite of it being a terrible rip-off, a terrible grockle bait scam,

it's five out of five. Yeah, can you put that on my TripAdvisor, please? Five grockle bait scam, it's five out of five. Yeah, can you put that on my TripAdvisor, please? Five out of five, TripAdvisor. Five out of five. We enjoyed the burning girl. The tour guy was not very good. The tour guy. Oh, I forgot about the tour guy.

Friend of the show, the tour guy. We enjoyed the zoo, despite the thematic unevenness of the burning ghost girl and just a man called Robin in a cage looking weird. He's not exactly a bird, is he? The Birdman. That's just a man with a bird's name. Okay, final category then.

I'm going to take that. I realise I'm trying to talk myself out of a five there, so I'm going to move quickly on. That's in the bank. Which is an f*** of you and me. Now, that would have been bleeped. So what are you saying there? An a** of you and me.

If you assume you make an a** of you and me. If you assume you make an a** of you and me. If you assume. How are you? You make an a** of you and me. I don't think that works if you pronounce it a**. You have to pronounce it a**. What, like the donkey? That's what it means. I thought it was like you and me. I don't think that works if you pronounce it you have to pronounce it ass.

What, like the donkey? That's what it means. I thought it was like you're making a bum out of yourself. Yeah, a natural bum. I don't think it means that, James. Have you been saying

if you assume it makes an ass out of you and me to people? Yes! That doesn't work! It's wordplay! I say if you assume Have you been deliberately

mispronouncing assume in order to set that up all this time yes it's been playing the long game i thought people were just putting on an american accent to do it for some reason wait how do you pronounce ass when it's a donkey how do you pronounce that what james you're looking at a zero here unless you pull out some persuasive argumentation soon. Well, it sort of fits into the ghost zoo as well, because they assume, which makes an ass, an ass of them,

they assume that that bear was not just a bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For some reason, they just assume it's a ghost. Lord Francis Bacon assumed that it was a good idea to mess around with snow whilst he was clearly already ill. Yeah, that seems like a mistake. And that killed him. And also, you shouldn't be handling food while vomiting.

Don't actually be vomiting as you're stuffing a chicken. Onto it. I know it was the 17th century, but come on. The alchemist assumed that he could put a saucer of liquid on the floor and his cat wouldn't eat it. I mean, who does that? Oh, I finally made a precious thing. I'll just pop it on the floor in a saucer.

You could have kicked it. Yeah. Come on. What did you expect to happen? Maybe everyone assumed that Robin wasn't a serial killer. I think this is a low-scoring category, and I think you've argued poorly, James. What?

However, I think in doing so you have made an ass of you and me yes so it's five out of five yeah i think that's good but that that is a high price and that price has been paid by the listener what have we made them we've made them think twice about doing whatever we ask them to do about signing up to the patreon or supporting us in general in the bit that comes after this. Oh, no. So I'm not going to ask for Patreon money now, James, because we've made ourselves look like fools.

We really can't. We've wasted their time and ours. And I want to apologise to everyone from Northern and the Republic of Ireland. Yes, the entire Ireland of Ireland. Because I did a Belfast accent for County Louth because I misheard you and thought you'd said Northern Ireland. And I did a sort of on-the-way-to-County-Mayor accent because it's the only one I can do.

So apologies to the people. Yes. You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beggin King. And me, Jim Shake-Shaft. This isn't a Northern Irish two ronies you're doing now. It's the two ronies there. I want four candles. Back when I wasn't a vegetarian when I was a kid,

I would have a battered sausage. And it's just instant sadness eating a battered sausage. Like a kid, I would have a battered sausage, and it's just instant sadness eating a battered sausage. Like, you have one battered sausage, you think, this is great. And then from the second bite onwards, just... This is too greasy. Bring death upon me. Yeah.

I'm ready to go. Yeah. This is the end. Yeah. I no longer feel joy in life because of this battered sausage. I'm going to eat all of it. Oh, yeah, I'll finish it. But I'm probably not going to have room for the chips.

I'll have a bag of bits. I'll have some scraps. I'll have a bag of bits. Please drive. I don't know why the bus driver's given it. I must have told you that the bus driver used to sell duty-free cigarettes in Durham. No. Yeah, on the Bob Smith's bus, I think it was.

The Bob Smith's bus? Yeah, you'd be driving around Langley Park or Durham. No. Yeah, on the Bob Smith's bus, I think it was. The Bob Smith's bus? Yeah, you'd be driving around Langley Park or somewhere. Yeah. And then the bus would stop and people would get on. Yeah. Buy a big pack of duty-free cigarettes from the driver and then get back off. On the next stop or just straight off?

No, no, no, straight off, yeah. Like it was an ice cream van for cigarettes. I presume he didn't have one of them sort of protective glasses like they do in London and he had to feed it out like one cigarette at a time through the speaking hole. That little mesh thing. Yeah, it's more hygienic. People put their lips up to that little hole.

Yeah, like a pneumatic. He'll pop the little cigarette into that. Because it's like in a circle, isn't it, with like 20 holes? Yeah, that's a pack. You'd line up all the cigs and you just have to you'd have to hold your breath until you got off the bus and spit them into your own silver packet yeah wow that seems like a very efficient way of dispensing contraband great system do you ever go on go on the bus in London where it's got that little one-person seat underneath the steps

that's right behind the driver? I love the little one-person seat. Yeah, me too. The little VIP seat. Yes. Have you ever been there when the machine has stopped working? No, what happens?

Because you know sometimes the Oyster card, you know the beep on thing on a bus where you don't have to touch or look at anyone. You just beep it on. Sometimes that doesn't work. And so people sort of stun their pressing about three times and the bus driver will just wave you on and you get a free bus ride. It's a bonus. Because it turns out the buses can drive whether or not you pay. Yes.

The bus doesn't know. And what happens if you're sat in the driver's mate seat, as I like to call it, people will beep, the driver will wave them them on and just because of the way people's eye lines go as they turn they will make eye contact with you and you could sort of feel like you've got a bit of power just sort of nod yeah no it's fine yeah you can get on no carry on carry on you've been like the maitre d boss maitre d'omnibus way way please to be taking your seats no beeps not necessary to beep please to take your seat immediately and if they go uh drive um whereabouts do i get off uh tap tap on the no speaking sign tap tap tap you talk to me don't talk to them you talk to me