Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep77: Loremen S3 Ep77 - The Penryn Tragedy

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

James returns from a minibreak in Cornwall with a swashbuckling tale of piracy, mistaken identity and being very annoying. Don't worry - all those things apply to the protagonist of the Penryn Tragedy, not James. Prepare yourself for a deadly case of banter-gone-wrong in this Cornish bloodbath. So gather your booty, moisten your Pogs, and join the Loremen on a quest to discover which popular British celebrity is responsible for 70% of accidents at sea. This episode was recorded in front of a live (stream) audience, as part of the Twinge Festival. We're doing a live show in front of an actual audience* on Sunday 12th Sept, 4.30-6pm at the Bill Murray Pub in London. Tickets are £5 in advance, or you can Pay What You Want after the show. Tickets: https://link.dice.fm/t4BHkrpOLib *if anyone comes.

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, this is an edited version of a live stream that we did last week as part of the Twinge Festival. Yes, the Twinge festival yes the twinge festival and you can watch the whole thing at youtube.com forward slash lawmen pod or settle in now and listen to a swashbuckling tale ah swashbuckling noise is the penryn tragedy and

oh yeah just bring up speed i had begun the live stream by telling an hilarious anecdote about attempting to buy a cat flap from a Spaniard. Which we deemed too hot for the pod. It was too hot. Oh, too hot. We're on the clock, James. We don't have any more time. This is us being concise. And most of it so far has just been an anti-Spanishatribe so far so let's draw a line under that well i've got some cornish stuff

which kind of ties into spain yeah because they did a lot of trade with spain back in the day yeah but it's such a drive having just been on holiday there where i'm talking is penryn which is a coastal town on the south like right right down the end, just before Penzance, kind of. The Lizard, I think it's called that bit. The Lizard? The Lizard Peninsula. Apparently so-called because people thought there was a race of lizard people that lived there. Sorry, is this in history or is this in Doctor Who?

Uh, folklore. Folklore, there were a race of lizard people who lived in Penzance to the extent that it became known as the Lizard Peninsula. I don't know if that's why it's called the lizard peninsula i've got it in my cornish legends book which is a reprinting of popular romances of west england published in 1865 there's a tradition i'm going to read this out now and if this is horrible because it was written in victorian times i will stop reading that okay just stop in the middle of a word, ideally. There's a tradition that the lizard people went around on all fours till the crew of a foreign vessel wrecked on the coast settled among them.

And it says improved them. I think it means bred with because it changed their physical development. Right. Quite a lot to be more biped. And they actually ended up becoming very large, tall people. Many of the men and women being over six feet in height. Not bad. Presumably not the children, because that would be

too much. You're over six feet in height, aren't you, James? I am. You could be one of them. Have I mentioned Aunt Mary Ann on here before? Ah, that's one of your ancestors. She may be Cornish. We don't really know where DMA comes from. She could be lizard person maybe i am a little bit lizard i do like a lie down after a meal i've seen you lying on a rock

with a light bulb on you basking away soaking in the uv so the story i want to tell you is from penryn probably the most famous story from penryn it's the penryn tragedy james you promised me a swashbuckling tale of adventure. Oh. I have been ready to buckle swashes and, if necessary, splice main braces. Oh, yeah. And now you tell me it's a tragedy. You can splice your main brace.

You can splice any of your sort of side braces that you're not that bothered about. Probably warm up on them before splicing your main brace. Exactly. You don't want to mess up on the main brace and look like a fool. So, what happened was there was an absolute lad and his parents ran a pub in Penryn. Now, I haven't been able to find out what the name of that pub was, but I know that according to your friend and mine, friend of the show, Peter Underwood, this pub where this happened is reported to be unquiet at dead of night.

Heavy thumps and bangs sound in the stillness. Strange whisperings are borne away in the night air and terrifying sighs. If the sentence had ended there, a sigh is not very terrifying. Ah. Ah. And groans disturb the quiet night

and echo in the darkness. But why was it so haunted? What sort of tragedy happened there? This, the Penryn tragedy, is what happened there. I wasn't looking at you then and I didn't realise you were reading. I thought, James is being very eloquent. I thought you were describing it in your own words

right up until you started complaining about his size. The thing is, disappointing people is quite scary, isn't it? Imagine disappointing a ghost. That'd be terrifying. Oh, yes. I'm really afraid, disappointing people is quite scary, isn't it? Imagine disappointing a ghost. That'd be terrifying. Oh, yes. I'm really afraid of disappointing people. I mean, the amount of effort we've put into this stream doesn't bear that out. But I am afraid of disappointing people.

Like if you want to show someone a YouTube video so much that you hand them your phone and they have a look at how long it is and go, that's quite frightening. Maybe that's what was happening with the ghosts. What happened was the son of the owners of that inn was a bit of a jack the lad. He went roving to the sea. I'm taking a lot of quotes from the 1865 retelling of the tale,

so there's a bit of fruity language. Oh, nice. Be ready for it. So he went roving to the sea and took boot from all they could master. In the sense of booty. Yes. Yeah. Not just a shoe, which would be annoying, which would cause someone to go, ugh.

And what happened? They accidentally blew up their own ship near Turkey. Classic lads. Boo, boo, boo. Fortunately, this lad was a good swimmer and he swam to the island of Rhodes, which is a Greek island which is very near Turkey. But still, a big swim. Oh, yeah is very near Turkey, but still a big swim. Oh yeah.

If you're swimming from a blown up boat. As in Gary Rhodes. Yes. Not as in where we're going, we don't need. Rhodes. No, if you're going to Rhodes, you absolutely need Rhodes because that's where the airport is. You'd have nowhere to land. As in the Colossus of Gary Rhodes. Yes.

Massive, huge chef. He swam to Rhodes and then got busted trying to sell on the governor of Algiers jewels. Not a euphemism. And he was sold into slavery, put in a galley. Bad luck. And, I quote,

with wit and valour, took opportunity and means to murder some officers. I'm in favour of wit and valour, but opportunity and means to murder some officers. I'm in favour of wit and valour, but when you said he was an absolute lad, I didn't realise he was going to murder several people. That's not banter. That's not top bants.

So he managed to get on board an English ship and got safely returned to London. No comeuppance for the murder then? After the murder. He got away with that murder. Oh, right. So the murder was just a fruity sidebar in the journey home. That was how he got out of the galley. Right. And then he got onto a different boat, went to London, became the servant to a surgeon. And then this next bit I can't work out because it's in old English

and I can't work out whether the surgeon got a job in the East Indies or he got a job in the East Indies. But anyway, he ends up in the East Indies and makes a load of money, becomes a very rich man sails back to cornwall i think he's via london so he gets dropped off in london gets a new boat sails from london to cornwall even he doesn't want to drive it he's in the drive he's been on the old apple maps being like no no no even in an uber it's not no i'm doing a boat now it doesn't say why but he got cast away from that boat presumably too much bants sorry they stranded him on a small commuter journey between london and

cornwall they stranded him he managed to annoy people that much they say they cast him away but he still had to swim to shore again and it sort of mentions like fortunately he's well good at swimming we've established he's brilliant at swimming yeah so thrown off a boat would be another way of putting that yeah yeah hoid this guy sounds awful uh so he works out where his parents are he actually goes to find his sister first of all and explains to her he's got a classic gag to play on his parents he's been away for 15 years at this point oh Ooh-wee. I'm sighing terrifyingly. Ugh. At this guy creeping his way towards a single bant.

It's too much for me. What he's going to do is he's going to pretend to be a poor stranger to his parents. Just for a laugh. Classic Jesus banter here, turning up in the guise of a beggar. Classic wheeze.

But then the next day reveal that he's not. Yeah. Hilarity. I think I see why he was thrown off that boat now for being awful like that's his idea of the best joke to play on his parents who he's not seen for 15 years he's in ragged clothes but he still has like a little chest of gold which the way it's described in the stories makes me think of old school bum bag fanny pack americans but it's like a little barrel around his waist when i was a kid i had my lunch money in a little tube thing around the neck that parents gave to nerdy kids to make them easier to bully i had one of those i had one of those mine said windsurfing

in cyprus on it for some reason every single person in the chat also had one of the only for nerds money holding things they weren't waterproof though were they not for me the point of them was they're waterproof or my one wasn't sorry were you carrying around all notes in your in your lunch money packet i was a high roller whoa what'd you have in there i had a lot of pesetas how much were you carrying in your little neck wallet one One five pound note. Jesus, check this guy out. And one of my little Action Force figures. A plot man used to keep pogs in them.

It's not waterproof. Watch your pogs. Your pogs are going to become moist. Aren't they the exact diameter of a pog? Yeah, the pogs can go in, but they'll never come out. But anyway, I thought mine was waterproof, but the hole that the string went through compromised. It was just a hole.

It just meant it had a hole in the top. Thank you for explaining that in scientific terms. he goes to the inn in his ragged clothes the inn is in a bit of a state of disrepair his father's fallen on hard times but they take him in because they're at this point quite nice people they seem like good people yeah they take him in he says he can pay for his lodgings and stuff and he has dinner has a few drinks him and his mom get a bit drunk and as he goes to bed he gives her a piece of gold and like shows off his case and there's plenty more where that came from there you go see i said i could pay him away feels like a bit of a narrative turning point that and then he goes to sleep.

And then the wife goes to the husband, like, this guy's minted. You know, we thought he was, like, he was covered in seawater. Like, he just swum in the thing. He must have been one of those eccentrics that do that sort of thing for charity, like a David Walliams type. He's as rich as David Walliams must be. And like David Walliamss we should murder him it used to be popular but now we all hate him he's exactly like david walliams maybe that's why walliams swam the channel maybe he was actually on a ferry

yeah he just kept doing funny voices in the juicy free and they're like we're not for you walliams that is offensive get off you can't do that nowadays it's 2021 the other guy on the boat is played by Matt Lucas

doing that accent so the wife goes on her husband look this guy's rich we need to murder him and take his money that's the only thing we can do

in this situation even though he's already said he's going to give him loads of money that she's still look we need to murder him. So the husband goes

down, whilst the guy's drunk, murders him. Whoa, okay. And hides him under some sheets. Do we know how he did it? I think stabs. I'm guessing stabs. A stabbing. Wow. I don't think I could be talked into a stabbing that easily. He's got a little barrel. He's got like a windsurfing in.

Oh yeah, sorry. I forgot he had a thing full of pogs. Fair enough. Yeah, I'd do it. Couple of keenies in there. Yeah, a tippity tappity perhaps. A tippity tappity? What's a tippity tappity? That was the pog everybody wanted. The one everyone in my school didn't have was tippity tappity. We were obsessed with getting it. Out of interest, is there a difference between the pog, the hitter and the hitty? Yes. Wasn't one like special, like made of plastic? Yeah, the one that you used to hit is called a keenie. That's a keenie.

Ropes of Sand is saying I prefer Tazzo's. I won't stand for this kind of nonsense. Get them out of here. We're going to need to refer you to an earlier episode where we talk about the problems that Tazzo's have caused. We don't talk about Tazzo's. Not anymore. Let's just move on.

I'm actually prohibited from talking about Tazoos. Tazoos. I have to say Tazoos in order to get round it. So, nightfall. Well, it's night already. They go to sleep. Husband and wife go to sleep after all that murder. Tires you out.

A tiring evening of murder. Next morning, sister comes round, knocks on. Hey, where's your visitor? And parents are like, visitor? No visitor. No visitor here. And the sister's like, where's your visitor and the parent's like visitor no visitor no visitor here and the sister's like where's the sailor

don't know what you're talking about sailor what sailor mate the sister's like a really annoying sailor thinks he's funny but he's not and she's like

go and look at the scar on that sailor's arm and you're gonna know who it was so the dad goes up to the room where the body is looks at the scar on the arm,

realises he's murdered his own son, and with the knife, sticks it in his throat. Straight away, straight in his own throat. Kills himself to death. This is where it becomes an absolute bloodbath now. Oh, what? Straight in his own throat. This guy is very stab-happy.

This guy needs the smallest of motivations, and then the knife's, whoa, whoa, whoa, all over the place. Well, it seems to be a family trait because he dies. The wife comes up to see why he's been so long. Sees what's happened. Sees them both dead. Takes the knife. Does the same herself.

Clara everywhere, I'm guessing. Wow. And then the daughter comes up. The sister? Sees what's happened. Just trips onto the knife. And she just simply falls down and dies she simply just dies she just simply dies from seeing it she just dies for narrative reasons without an actual cause yeah do you know what technique i use to um to tell if

someone is a close relative rather than looking at a scar. Oh, yeah. I look at their face. That's how I do it. Go on. Yeah, no, that's my technique. It has never served me wrong. Those are the ghosts that Peter Underwood seems to be referring to. No wonder they're sighing.

Because he'll be constantly making awful jokes. And we banter some schemes and they'll be like, oh, this again. That's the tale of the Penryn tragedy. Wow.

What a horrible story of an annoying person, James. Yes. I can't find the words to express how annoying he is. I can't say it and not then edit it out. Have you seen on In America, Gordon Ramsay's career? Because you know here he used to do the thing where he'd go to a restaurant and kind of... Annoy everyone and be awful. You know, turn it around and stuff like that yeah he used to do that in america but before he was famous he would he could go to the restaurant yeah and eat there as a customer

and then go to just swear at people and they just think he was an awful english man they just think he's just a terrible human being before they know he's a celebrity but now he's become so famous he has to go in like elaborate disguise what? like make-up big noses on old man ears

what Jeremy Beadle style? Beadle style right and this story really made me think about that and wish that this sort of thing

could happen to Gordon Ramsay. All he has to do is eat at a restaurant with connections to the mafia, and they'll be like, there's a really annoying guy. Yeah, huge nose, large false moustache. There's a limey in there. He's trying to pretend to be an American. He's impolite to the serving people and the chef. And then he just gets absolutely murdered. Someone needs

to rub them out. And then someone comes up and goes, do you know that was Gordon Ramsay? Brilliant. Even better. Even better. Good. Let's do the scores. Yeah, let's score it. What's your first category? First of all, okay, let's get this out of the way. Naming. What was the name of the guy? The main guy? I don't know. It's

zero out of five. Penryn? Penryn's okay. The Penryn tragedy? We don't know it's zero out of five penrin penrin's okay penrin tragedy we don't even know this guy's name what's his name make up a name johnny baubles uh ian cheese martin the pirate martin the pirate that's worse than simon cheese or whatever i just said neil johnson gary rhodes came up gary r the celebrity chef. Okay, he's the best celebrity chef we've referenced so far, but still. We had some big names in there. We had the Colossus of Gary Rhodes. We had Gordon Ramsay.

Yes. We had David Walliams. Apart from the Colossus of Gary Rhodes, they're two annoying people. The Lizards? All right. Lizard Peninsula? The Lizard Peninsula. No, the Lizard Peninsula's a great name. Yeah. The Lizards? All right. Lizard Peninsula? The Lizard Peninsula. No, the Lizard Peninsula is a great name.

Yeah, you're right. I am giving you a two out of five, purely, purely for the Lizard Peninsula. Yes. Second category. Second category. Let's do it. Supernatural. Supernatural.

Ugh. Ugh. Imagine hearing a sigh in a pub. Imagine a pub that wasn't quiet at night. They should put one of those signs up saying, please respect our neighbours. Don't haunt. Please stop haunting the pub.

Ding, ding, ding. Well, I'm leaning towards a four out of five because there's four ghosts. Yeah, there's four ghosts at least. Four ghosts, so that's a minimum four. What have you got to edge that up to a five? He was supernaturally good at swimming. Yeah.

Maybe he learnt because he kept getting thrown off boats for being annoying. A baptism of water, I suppose. If you're going to be that annoying, you better be able to back yourself up with some strokes. I bet he was one of those people who does butterfly. Oh, yes. Really annoying, taking up way more space than you need in the lane.

They should pull more of a face when they come out of the water, though. Like they're just breaking free after like almost drowning or something or just do a different expression each time like you're playing that game like a flick book that's the true butterfly stroke yes anyway points for me for supernatural i'm on a four yeah you're on a four i'm seeing if i can push it up to a five with someone being quite good at swimming i do not believe that that's supernatural james i think that being quite good at swimming. I do not believe that that's supernatural, James. I think that being quite good at swimming is within the bounds of nature. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, all right.

It's four out of five. Four out of five. I'll take it. I'll take it. Category three. Yep. Swash is buckled. Or.

Or buckles swashed, if we're going to go that way. Throwing David Walliams off a boat. That's a swashbuckling. Swashbuckling. What does swashbuckling mean? Is it like a wizard scheme? 70% of accidents at sea are caused by... David Walliams off a boat. That's a swashbuckling. Swashbuckling? What does swashbuckling mean? Is it like a wizard scheme? 70% of accidents at sea are caused by... David Walliams.

70% of accidents at sea are caused by David Walliams. Yeah. But they won't stop him, and the media won't talk about it. Is Walliams our new... Noel Edmonds. The other person that I don't want to say. Saturday night person whose name I don't want to say.

Associate of Blobby, if you prefer. Friend of Blobby. A friend of Blobby. Being thrown off two boats for being a... I'm sorry. I've said it. Yes. That's a swashbuckling. Well, I mean, you sort of rewrite in history there. He was thrown off the first boat because

they blew it up by accident. That's swashbuckling. So I suppose that does actually fit in your remit. I mean, this guy is one step away from jumping onto a sail and then using his knife to slide down the sail to slightly slow down his fall to the point where he can land comfortably on the deck. But massively slow down the boat

so it can't get away from the sea authorities. I don't think I've ever seen anyone deal with the fallout of somebody doing that. You never see the people who have to repair the sails. Yeah, someone just sewing it up. Who's going to prepare that? Muggins here, probably. That Errol Flynn thinks he's Errol Bloody Flynn. Can we say bloody?

I think we do say bloody without believing you. Okay, good. Because otherwise that would sound a lot worse. So I think we're up to about three now. Stabby. Stabbed by your own dad. Yeah. That's pretty swashbuckling. Tell me you have more than three, James.

Tell me there's more than three. You didn't go for this category. Not only did he take boot from all they could master, but he also used his wit and valour to take opportunity and means to murder some officers. Just the murdering of people. It's not exactly swashbuckling. On the other hand, I've forgotten that they'd taken him slaves.

So if they were the slave keepers. They are. Fair play then. I'm back on his side now. Four out of five. Excellent. Final cut. And just to clarify, against slavery, this guy.

Yeah, we're against slavery. I realised listening back that I came down very strongly against him for killing people who had taken him as a slave. Yes, it was good that he killed those slave owners. Move on to the next category. There's the end of it. Final category, the Pirates of Penn's Bants. Oh!

Pew! Pew-pew-pew! I think not since Dean Swift have we had such a rascalsome lad. Yeah. Such a bantasaurus. Such a banter-saurus. He's banter and commander. I can't remember the rest of that film name. Does that work for any other...

Boat-based films? Yeah, Mutiny on the Banty. That's really good. And Das Bant. But that's about a submarine. Should we just end all the streams now with that one? Yeah, that's the end of the show. I think I'm going to end everything with that.

It's five out of five, purely for Das Bant. For Das Bant. God, imagine being on that submarine. The constant. And also, they're all German. German Bants. Like, oh, I said we've got the normal scissors. These are left-handed scissors and they all fall about laughing.

We have got you. We've got you with one of our jokes. But we really need the scissors because we're on a submarine. We can't just get some more scissors. Are you making fun of me for thinking scissors would be necessary on a submarine? You might be doing cutouts. You might be doing a bit of craft. You've got to pass the time.

It can't be work all the time. You can't just be all dot to dots. You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. With special thanks to Matt Hoss of the Twinge Festival and all the law folks at The Chat. And a big announcement. We've got a live show coming up, an actual live, live show at the Bill Murray in The London on the 12th of September 2021. 2021.

At 4.30pm. And you can buy tickets in advance for a fiver or pay what you like on the day on the door. Ticket link in the show notes, probably. We're also going to stream it, so don't worry if you can't get to London that day. Don't tell them that. Please buy tickets.

Can you say please buy the tickets? Please buy the tickets. I can't do puns. I don't have the right kind of mind for doing puns so I'm always left out but you know loads of words I know I guess that's the problem

I know too many words you know way more words you just need to think of two words that sound similar Swiss Bantley Robinson has that got a boat in it? isn't Switzerland famously landlocked? no they're on an island

they are on an island in Swiss Bantley Robinson do you think got a boat in it? Isn't Switzerland famously landlocked? No, they're on an island. They are on an island. In Swiss Bantley Robinson. Do you think the Swiss family Robinson is set in Switzerland? Yeah, they're Swiss. It's a Swiss family. It's on a shipwrecked on an island, James. Have you seen... No.

Have you just made wild assumptions about the Swiss family Robinson? Yes. I presumed it was set in Switzerland. Because they're a Swiss family. Where's American Psycho set? Okay, yeah, you got me there. Yeah. Where's an American werewolf

in London take place? Bantleship Potemkin. Good work, Mike Reeve. That is very good, Mr Reeve. That's very good.