Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep78: Loremen S3 Ep 78 - Sir Gawain and The Green Knight

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

From the depths of Wales's Brecon Beacons, at the Green Man Festival, two plucky Loreboys attempted a pod-first: recording a podcast in a tent. Sadly, it proved to be too rainy and of that recording, only fragments remain… Join Alasdair and James for exclusive access to the so-called 'Green Man Tapes,' as well as the 14th Century tale of a true-hearted knight, an un-jolly green giant and someone's hot wife. We're doing a live show in front of an actual audience* on Sunday 12th Sept, 4.30-6pm at the Bill Murray Pub in London. Tickets are £5 in advance, or you can Pay What You Want after the show. Tickets: https://link.dice.fm/t4BHkrpOLib *if anyone comes. Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And James and I just got back from the Green Man Festival near Abergavenny, Wales. Mmm, brecon, beacon. And we brought back some recordings, which did not work out exactly as planned.

They better be of debatable sound quality. They are of debatable sound quality. With the sound of rain in the background. Yes, they're very atmospheric. You got anything about toasters? That may be a long toaster anecdote, yeah. It's the story of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

With inserts from a tent We're at the Green Man Festival. The Law Boys are on tour. Mm-hmm. More like tour boys. Tour boys, yes. Tour men. If we fall out and have a Peter Underwood-style copyright dispute...

Over who owns the Law Men. Yeah. I'm going to either call it the real Law Men... I'm going to call it the Lawmen's Society Club. Or Tall Boys, where we flip the L upside down and mirror it so there's two prongs on the top. My hope is that when we split up as a law podcasting duo, we both found a partner, and then both of us then leave that one until eventually there are two separate lawmen entities, neither of which contain us. Like my grandparents set up.

Step-grandparents. Like your grandparents or the sugar babes. Yeah. So, James, clear it up. Are your grandparents the sugar babes? So, James, clear it up. Are your grandparents the Sugar Babes? Hey, they weren't ever in the official Sugar Babes that was recognised by law.

No, OK, all right. And they weren't in a tribute band called the Stevia Gals. That's a really good name for a Sugar Babes tribute band. Thanks. It's the name of a band that has only been legal in this country for a few years. Was Stevia illegal in this country? Stevia has only been legal for like maybe 10 years or something.

Is that because Stevia is horrible? Really horrible compared to sugar? Yeah, it's grim. It's like being given a little bit of sugar and then being slapped. Because to begin with, you're like, no, it's all right. So that's probably what happened to whoever makes the rules about whether things are allowed to be sold. And they tasted it and went, yeah, okay. It seems like, oh, no, thank you.

But it was too late. The stamp had already come down. Approved. Yeah. So stevia gals. So eagerly listeners might have noticed that you and I were in a tent a few minutes ago. Yes. At the Green Man Festival.

Yes. We went there with the full intention of recording an episode of the Lawmen podcast. We are now back at home. At the last minute. Because it didn't quite work out. Yeah. But I have the Green Man tapes, the bootlegs from that festival. I'm going to subtly and seamlessly weave them into this episode.

I don't think you're even going to notice. Like a radio for documentary. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you're getting the real stuff here. You're getting Lawmen unplugged. I've done that before. It does explain the audio quality. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you're getting the real stuff here. You're getting lawmen unplugged. I've done that before. Well, it does explain the audio quality

of the on-location stuff. Since we're talking about Green Man Festival, which is in Wales, I wanted to get a story which was a bit Welsh and also had a green man in it. Surely such a thing cannot exist. Okay. Well, hold on to your expectations there, James.

I have for you the story of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Now a major motion picture. Oh. Yeah. I put a little sticker on the front of the book, ruining the book. Yep. So it's not the film with Dev Patel. Someone tweeted that the Rotten Tomatoes score for it is critics score 87%,

audience score 49%. Oh. And that is how you know it is critics score 87%, audience score 49%. And that is how you know it is a good film. Challenging. It's going to be for people like you and me, James, people who listen to this podcast. The intellectuals, the elite. Well. Snobs. I'd heard of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, and I wondered why I didn't really know that much about it.

I've got no idea what happens in the story. So I thought before this podcast, I'd have a little look just to get myself, you know, vaguely acclimatised. Very assiduous of you, well done. So go in in the green night, prose poem, and I'd close my browser and put my phone face down. Slid the phone into a storm drain.

Yep. Gone. All right, yeah, it's a poem. Yes, it is a chivalric romans romans or romance is another way of pronouncing that word oh yeah it's a chivalric romance written in the 14th century using an alliterative rhyme scheme and oh right alliterative not an illiterate rhyme scheme i'm just trying to get the kids interested they love alliteration and there's going to be some spoilers for it as well so i don't know if we might be spoiling the plot of the film oh yeah probably

maybe we haven't seen it it's not out yet so sorry and also it's been out since the 14th century so you've had your chance to read it yeah come on so it's contemporary with the canterbury tales but way harder to read for some reason i don't't know why. Read aloud, The Canterbury Tales sounds quite like normal English. Well, it sounds like a drunk farmer. Whereas this sounds like... I don't know if it's like just a drunk farmer from the Wirral. Oh. Because that's the area it was written.

Sort of Cheshire kind of Wirral. Drunk Scouse. Maybe if I read it with a Scouse accent, it'll make more sense. A drunk Scouse accent. Drunk Scouse. Drunk Scouse. Okay. I'll give you a sample.

This is the opening of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, Braces of. Sithon the seas and the assault would cease to Troy. The body brittened in Brentabrande and Askers. The talk that the trams of trees and there aught was tried for is trickily the truest on earth. It does sound like a scouse person talking to me. No, but it sounds like...

Are you saying that's how Scouse people normally sound to you? Yeah. Something about trams? Was there something about trams at the end? To put that in modern English, I think, that is, after the siege and the assault was ceased at Troy, the town burnt to brands and ashes. The traitor that the trammels of treason there wrought

was tried for his trickery, the truest on earth. It does work. I still don't understand what's going on, but it does sound like... You like it better with the Sky Sanctum. It's right, yeah. I have read it in the Middle English, and it has roughly the same number of unique words in it as lines, which means if you're like me, don't really speak Middle English,

it's quite difficult because every new line has a word in it that never appears anywhere else in it. Oh, right. Okay, not like made up for the poem. Not made up. He's not pulling a Shakespeare. No, it's not like... He doesn't coin a new word every line just so it rhymes.

Well, unfortunately, James, the word for that is nonce words and i think you can see why i didn't want to bring up the concept of nonce words is that where nonsense comes from no it's not where nonsense comes from it means the wants what's that song some people call me space cowboy what's that song called some people call me maurice gags because i speak with the pompatous of love pompatous is a nonce word because it was just made up for that song. It doesn't mean anything. Oh. Don't say it to your friends.

Don't say it twice. Well, if you say it twice, it's a twonce word, I guess. Here's my pitch to you why you should be interested in this. Because it is the earliest story I can think of that has an M. Night Shyamalan style twist in the tale. Ooh. I'm trying to make it relevant to you, the kids. So, we begin. Camelot. The theme park?

No, the National Lottery Administrative Organisation. King Arthur's Court, Camelot. It's New Year's Eve. Everybody is having a whale of a time. All the knights are there. King Arthur. And then a stranger rides in.

A strider mount. Probably with good news. Mm, you be the judge. No. He's massive. He's a giant. Absolutely huge. And this is going to shock you.

He's actually green. His skin and his clothes. He's like the Hulk, essentially. He's a massive green guy. I've said before that I saw a green man. When did you see a green man? At a train station. Where was he going?

In the mid-90s. Oh, yeah, in the mid-90s, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. It was Britpop and being green. Double cool, yeah. Was he a giant? No, no, no. Just a bit tall, but he still fitted into a train station cafe.

Well, the poem doesn't mention how big this guy is relative to a train station cafe well uh the the poem doesn't mention how big this guy is relative to a train station cafe this this why poems are bad that is a very specific reason why one of the many reasons why poems are bad so here he is he's a massive he's the hulk he sets a challenge to all the knights there he pulls out an axe i think it's a danish axe and he says hey one of you gets a free hit on me with this axe, right? And then I get baxies. That's the deal. Who's up for it?

What would you say, James? Can you go away? We're having a party. Trying to have a New Year's Eve party. This is weird. You just try and passive-aggressively hint that you wanted him to leave. Yeah, bit weird, mate. Why don't you go somewhere else and ask them if they want to hit you with an axe we're not into that not judging but well

king arthur steps up presumably to say this and then sweet young gawain the the most innocent and honorable of all the knights and they were a pretty good bunch definitely he intervenes he steps up and he grabs the axe he'll be the one to it. He takes it and lops the green knight's head clean off. And I'm sure that's the end of it. And that's the end of the story. No. What? Twist. The green knight picks up his head, pops it straight back on and says, all right, that was fun. See you in a year and a day in the green chapel. And then I'll have a go swinging the axe at you oh and he rides off leaving young gawain bricking it presumably and the annoying thing is he's got a year and a day to wait now so just working on his neck skin strength exactly yeah just not skipping neck day for the whole time

he's waited the whole of spring and summer doing neck exercises yeah just doing that where you pull like you've seen something embarrassing ooh yeah pulling the face of Blakey from yes on the butlers

hating those butlers ooh that's what he's been doing and now it's All Saints Day and he's on his way puts on his armour he mounts his

faithful steed Gringolette great name for ours steed is so close to Steve he's faithful Steve Steve Gringolette. Great name for ours. Steed is so close to Steve. Respectful Steve. Steve Gringolette. Hello.

All right, go in. We'll be going. A bit early, isn't it? Go in. And is it Gawain like of Wayne or is it Gavin? Gavin. I don't know. It is just Gavin, isn't it? Sir Gavin and the Green Knight.

This was one thing I did find out. Do you know another name for Gawain? No. Or Gawain? Gwalchmi. What? Yeah, Gwalchmi. Gwalchmi?

It sounds like a request. I hardly know you. Wow. Oh, yeah. I don't know if that's how it's pronounced, but it's how it looks like it is. I mean, yeah, that sounds amazing. Gawain, Gavin, or Gwalchmi. So, on Gringolet, Mr. Gwalchmi gets on Gringolet.

His faithful Steve. His faithful Steve. And he travels across North Wales towards the Peak District. And it mentions some of the places. He goes past Anglesey. He goes past Holyhead. Now, I don't know if you've ever looked at a map but you can't go past Holyhead yeah it's on the

sticky out bit it's the north west corner of Wales it's where you go to if you wanted to sail to Ireland you can't pass it and there's a

there's a lovely website by a guy called Michael Toomey which is unfortunately not called Toomey To You but you can't have everything can you

and it's called Travels With Sir Gawain and he's tried to photograph the locations that Gawain passes on his way. And he thinks that Holyhead might be Holywell, which is a place between Ville and Liverpool. So that's possible. Must have been a long journey, eh, James?

Oh, yeah. They probably camped out a little bit. Probably. I've got a little recording here of you camping out with me, your faithful Steve. Little gingerlet so this is and i think we were a bit hungry in this recording yeah it might sound like we're in a lay-by off an A road. But we're actually, we're in a tent.

Oh, a drop of rain slanted on my knee, James. Me too. Yeah, things are getting pretty moist and intimate. We're in Wales. Wales. And I feel a bit bad that I made you walk all the way to the car to get the microphones. Because I said, oh, I've got something to say. Oh, but I should record it. Yeah. And then you walked all the way to the car in the rain and got the microphones because I said oh I've got something to say oh but I should record it yeah and then you walked all the way to the car in the rain and got the microphones

and walked all the way back and what I had to say was yeah I saw a really good toaster you sent me to car in the rain I'm back for a toaster anecdote. Not even that weird. More just a toaster description. Okay. Well, let's hear it. It better be a flipping good toaster. It's a really good toaster. Let's hear it.

So, you know most toasters are lever-based. So you have a little shunk that you put it in. I'm familiar with toasters. This was a button-based toaster. I'm sorry. So you put the toast in. I mean, it's a fourer, obviously. Yes. I wouldn't be mentioning it if it wasn't So you put the toast in. I mean, it's a fourer, obviously. Yes. I wouldn't be mentioning it if it wasn't.

You put the toast in and you press... The bread. Sorry, my... Come on, this is a rookie, isn't it, James? That is absolutely basic error. You put the bread in, press a button that says toast, and then... It moves down like an old scanner.

Down the bread. And then... Oh, no, no, no. The bread just descends into the toasting realm. Into the toasting realm. Yes. And then there's another button, which is have a quick look. I think it's called quick look.

So it'll just pop the bread out? It doesn't pop. That's the thing. There's no poppage. It just slowly rises and then descends back into the toasting realm. So it just flashes you? Would you say you can see? Just a quick look. Am I looking at nude bread or am I looking at toast that is ready for butter? Hot toast. Our toaster is just the worst. When you put it on at one, it could be in for a minute,

it could be in for three minutes, it could at this point it's just a device i used to set the fire alarm off and that is it it has no other function in the flat heating bread a completely arbitrary amount is it one side or does it do at least do both sides it's it's not to get into too much detail like the element is not evenly spread on the inside so the outside gets very well done and then the inside not so well done so if you're doing

say a bagel right that's a problem what I'm doing basically is massively heating up the outside of the bagel that my delicate human

my boyish hands are to touch and not toasting at all the open side that really is the side I want toasted. Yeah, the action area of the bagel. The action area, yeah. I mean, to some extent, I have to take responsibility for that, I suppose.

I'm not finished with the button. Oh, sorry, are you still describing that toaster? There are more buttons. Sorry, there's toast, and then there's quick look. Quick look. Cancel. Cancel. There's a final button there's quick look. Quick look. Cancel. Cancel. There's a final button.

A bit more. The a bit more button. The a bit more button. It's what everyone has been crying out for. It is. And like I say, it doesn't pop. So it just, it rises it up and dings a little bell. Oh, come on.

Ding, ding, ding. Like a little bread butler. Yes. All your toast is ready, Master James. Ding, ding, ding. Like a little bread butler. Yes. All your toast is ready, Master James. Ding, ding, ding. Ding. Yeah. It was a lovely toaster.

We haven't had breakfast yet. No. Listen, if any of this makes it into the podcast, we've got up. Sorry. And James has made a lot, some very nice coffee on a little camping stove. So all we've done is eat chocolate and drink coffee like a pair of Frenchmen. A pair of decadent Frenchmen. But not that a Frenchman would ever put up with rain

like this. Not like a Frenchman would ever not be decadent. Your francophobia has rubbed off on me. Yeah, yeah, you came off really anti-French there. Well done, James. It was quite... I thought it was a decent bon mot. I don't understand those words. Don't know what that means. Don't know.

Where were we in the story? Ah, that's right. Gawain was travelling and he's probably approaching England now. North-West England. And he comes upon the castle of Lord Butterlack and his hot wife. What? Yep. And also a horrible old crone who probably isn't important of Lord Bertilak and his hot wife. Yep.

And also a horrible old crone who probably isn't important to the story. So pay no attention to the horrible old crone. We're focused on Lord Bertilak, who seems like a great guy, and his hot wife, who seems hot. Lord Bertilak says, welcome. We don't know exactly where the Green Chapel is, but you're welcome to stay here at Shea Bertilak for a few nights if you want. Hey, and why don't we do a fun thing?

I'm going to go out hunting during the day, and when I come back from the hunt, I'll give you whatever I got on the hunt, and you can give me whatever you got back in the house, in the castle. How does that sound? A bit weird. Gawain agrees to it immediately, of course, because he has learned nothing. Yeah. He has learned nothing about making weird deals.

Bertilak goes out on a hunt, and the hunts are described in what I consider to be needless and tedious detail. And on the first day, he catches a doe. Meanwhile, flash cut back to the castle, Hot Wife comes in and tries to seduce Gawain. Oh. But you know Gawain, he cannot be seduced, and he rebuffs her, and he rebuffs her ever so gently.

And in the end agrees only to receiving a single kiss. Ah. When Bertilak comes home, he says, well, I caught a doe. So here's the doe. What did you get? And Gawain gives him a little kiss on the cheek. Because that's what he got during the day. Second day, he goes out hunting.

He comes back with a boar. Hot wife appears in Gawain's room and gives him two kisses. So Gawain ends up with a boar and he gives Bertilak a couple of kisses. The third day he goes out hunting, he catches a fox. Meanwhile, here's Hot Wife in Gawain's room, in his chamber yet again, gives him three kisses. And she gives him something else as well. She has a green girdle. She takes it off and says, here, you've got to take this green girdle because it's magical and it protects the wearer from harm of any kind. As long as you're wearing it, you can't be hurt. And Gawain thinks, well, that would be useful because I do have this appointment in the

Green Chapel, don't I? So, all right, yes. And he puts on the green girdle. And then when Bertilak gets back, he goes, well, here's the fox I caught. Mm, yes. And he puts on the green girdle. And then when Bertilak gets back, he goes, well, here's the fox I caught. Mmm, yum. Yes, a little bit of a fox burger. And Gawain gives him his three kisses and nothing else.

See you later. He doesn't hand over the green girdle. He keeps that secret. That must be fine. That won't go badly. Yeah, that'll be fine. Just forget about all of that because it probably won't come up again. So it's about time he leaves Castle Bertilak because it's getting a bit weird.

More than a little strange. So he sets off. And I think he's getting pretty close to the Green Chapel now. And the area where this is believed to be, according to Michael Toomey. To you. Yeah, is a place called Nantor. Oh, Nantor. Yeah, that's in the Peak District, isn't it?

Yes, in the Peak District. That's near, there's Mamtor as well. Mamtor and Nantor. Oh, wow. Like your mum. There's Mamtor, there's Nantor. You've got to go over Mamtor and then you've got to go up Nantor. And there's also Thor's Cave.

What's great about Nantor is you always get a Werther's Original. So across the valley of the Manifold River is Nantor. And Nantor is a really amazing sort of network of caves where you sort of go into the caves and then when you get into the middle, the inside has sort of fallen in. So you're in a sort of green chamber, roofed with trees, but open to the sky within a cave, which is sort of how the Gawain poet describes the Green Chapel. So the Green Chapel

is like a huge green mound, which has entrances going into it on all sides. And Gawain starts to realise he's in a bit of trouble. And he says, and I'm going to quote from the poem again, but I'll do the accent. So hopefully it'll be okay. Yeah, do the accent so hopefully it'll be okay yeah do the accent that makes it fun this is a chapel of mischance to check it betide it is the curse of this kirk that ere i come in with high helm on his head his lance in his hand he roams up to the rough of the roy ones you might have heard that i use the word check uh the chapel of mischance that check it betide. That's check as in bad luck, as in checkmate. Bad luck, mate. Bad luck, mate.

That's what checkmate means, it seems. So in modern English, something like, this is a chapel of mischance that ill luck it betide. It's the most cursed church I've ever been in. Can I just stop you there? Yeah. What you're saying saying this is an unlucky church yeah yeah yeah that's why i don't like poems this unlucky church probably the worst

church i've been in don't need to bang on about it mate i get i'm listening to you and if you say it clearly i'll understand you you have to keep repeating it because you're not saying it clearly carry on with high helmet on his head, his lance in his hand, he roams up to the roof of the rough house. And at this point, I'd be a little bit nervous. I'd probably be needing a little bit of a wee. And that is a brilliant, very subtle segue. Yes.

To this next clip from the Green Man Tapes. I like there's a little boy doing a wee. There is a little boy doing a wee. There is a little boy doing a wee. I'm not sure it's legal for you to have made me look at that. In Japan, by the way, fun fact, that type of fountain of a little urinating boy

is quite common. More common than you'd think. To be honest, the fact that that kind of fountain exists at all surprises me the fact that anybody has ever thought carving a sculpture of a little boy weeing isn't it like a famous one in belgium or something like that but so it's it's recreated in lots of places in japan and on the little tourist map with the translation the English translation is Pissboy Fountain I mean it is what it is no one's going to be

either surprised or disappointed we can dance around the truth but it's a Pissboy Fountain it's what it is those are the three words that it is you can't describe it in full no without featuring

those three things yeah it's not a piss fountain no that'd be awful it's not a boy fountain shooting out boys yeah exactly that would be confusing i think it does sound a bit like it's an actual fountain of urine. Hmm. No, that'll be like a boy piss fountain. It's very important what order you put the words in. Yeah, it does matter. Hope you enjoyed listening to that. There's no lore so far.

No, we'll get some. We'll find some. We'll find some lore. And yet we did not find any lore, James. No. We didn't find some lore. And yet we did not find any lore, James. No. We didn't find any lore. But I've started to drink more water. Oh. And I'm weeing so much.

You're a big boy piss fountain. Yes. It's annoying drinking that much water. So this is just as seamless as I thought it was going to be. So Gawain encounters none other than the Green Knight from the beginning. Boom, boom, here he is. Boof. There's his Danish axe.

Uh-oh. And he goes, okay, time for me to get my strike against you. And he goes to do a strike and he's like, and he faints. He does like a, no, didn't do it. Just a joke. You know, like when someone pretends to give you something and they're nope, didn't do it. Just a joke. You know, like when someone pretends to give you something and then they're like, he's like that.

Right, yeah. So he goes for a second time. He's like, this one's the real one. Just kidding. Just living a little joke with you. Come on. Have a sense of humour. And Gawain isn't finding it very funny at all.

But he's not flinching, I'm guessing. He's not flinching. He's not flinching. Nice. Well. As far as I remember, third time around, he goes,

and this time he swings down and he brings the blade down and he just, he nicks him. He gives Gawain a little cut on his neck. He does not chop his head off. And Gawain's like,

ah, I asked man. Ah, ah, that knucks. Ah. But he's like, that's it.

No more backsies. You did backsies on me, so no more backsies, right? And the Green Knight says, no more backsies indeed, young knight. Ho, ho, ho. He reveals himself not to be the Green Giant of Pea Selling Fair. Oh. He is none other than Lord Bertilak. What?

Yeah. There's your M9 Chiamaland twist. He says, I am Lord Bertilak, whose house you were just staying in, and you have passed the test. All of this was a trap set up by Morgan le Fay. Morgan le Fay. Nemesis of King Arthur, who, by coincidence, is the old woman living in Bertilak's castle.

Oh. Yeah. Her plan was to test the purity of King Arthur's knights. Now because Gawain passed on all the kisses he got to Bertilak holding back only the girdle

he passed the test just about. They were like okay you rascal you're alright. You could nick a girdle but you're alright by me. It's not too bad.

It could have been worse. So Bertilak's like you're a legend mate come back to the castle everyone loves you there. And Gawain says me. It's not too bad. It could have been worse. So Bertilak's like, you're a legend, mate. Come back to the castle. Everyone loves you there. And Gawain says, no, because he's not happy. They didn't completely 100% pass the test. And he goes back to Camelot feeling ashamed of his weakness,

wearing the girdle on his arm as a sign of his failure. And the other knights feel a bit bad for him. And they all start wearing the same girdle as if to say, like, we would definitely have had sex with that hot wife. And that is the end of the story. Wow. Of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. And his weird armband.

And his weird armband. Yes, it's like, oh, Gawain, where'd you get that armband? And he's like, long story. Basically, I didn't have sex with a hot wife. It starts at the Siege of Troy. Yeah, yeah. Let me take you back to the Siege of Troy. Is this more context than we need, Gawain?

I've got some categories for you, if you would care to score it. Yeah, I'll score it. Straight out the gate, let's go with supernatural. How can a knight be green? Beans. Beans? Beans, as we established in the Green Children of Walpurgis. It could easily be beans.

You can become green through beans, yeah. Through too many bean. The only bit of supernaturalness is that he cut the green knight's head off and the green knight reattached it yeah i mean you say that as if that isn't pretty impressive but it's also established that he was a giant and it was a guy in a outfit oh so it could easily be you know when he comes out of the green knight suit at the end it's kind of like a mech suit and he's out of the green knight suit at the end it's kind of like a mech suit and he's sort of just contained within the chest area are you suggesting he's

sort of it's a euro disney type situation and they've just lopped the sort of furry head off what like the on earth are they doing at euro disney now mech suits it's mostly mech suits no i mean like when they're dressed as cartoon characters and they behead each other they don't no they could. I'm not saying it has happened. I'm not saying they should. I'm saying it could happen. He's disguised as the Green Knight, using presumably magic.

Or a big suit. It could be a big suit, but it's... What's more likely? All right. Magic or a big suit? Magic. Because it's established that the guy's bigger than average. Like you would be if you

had a big suit on that would allow people to chop their your head off damn you shake shafts i think you've got me did the green knight say things without his mouth moving and have two eye holes in his neck it was very much a mr blobby situation yeah i think i think one one okay well but i disagree but fair enough. Because I can see how it could be done using tricks. Oh, yeah. David Blaine, the whole thing, yeah. Mr. Blobby Suits.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right, second category, names. Yes. Gavin. Gavin. Like me. Lord Bertilak.

Lord Bertilak. Gringolet. Faithful Steve. Yes, exactly. Michael Toomey. Yeah, great names. Fives. Fives all the way.

Five. Yes. Nice. Thank you. My next category, I'm confident here, I think I'm going to make up some points. Amount of green. Oh, way, way too much green. It was very green.

He even had green jewels on his outfit, the Green Knight. He's thinking, I'll do this in green and then they can put the proper monster on afterwards you think he's the first chroma keyed villain yeah we've also got the green girdle and the green chapel yeah the chapel of mischance best phrase in the english language that's a lot of green unnecessary phrase but but yeah just say it's an unlucky church you rambling scouser. And probably the wee of that little boy doing a wee. Probably a bit green.

Probably off-white at best. Yep, it's five for green. Yes! And my final category, this is a risk, and I hope you will respect me for taking that risk. Just like our hero, Gawain. My final category is Night, Shy Little Man.

You see what I did there? Because on the one hand, it's got twists and twists and twists. It's like they invented the twist. But also, Gawain, he's a shy little man. And he resisted the overtures of the hot wife. I mean, he has slightly mildly learned from his mistakes. Yeah. Did think of the consequences of your actions,

especially when given what seems like a riddlesome challenge. Yeah, it's not exactly if it's too good to be true, it probably is. It's more like if it's too weird to understand. Don't say yes. Don't agree to it. If it's just a really arbitrary thing where it's not obvious how it benefits you, it could be a trick. How did he even pass the test, though, when it's like,

we're going to test how good these people are. We're going to give them the opportunity to cut someone's head off. And if they do, then they've passed the first part of the test. cut someone's head off. And if they do, then they've passed the first part of the test. So what are you going to give me in the category of nice, shy little man? I'd want to give you a high

because I love the pun. I love the work you've done there. He is with the wife, but he's not shy at cutting a man's head off. So you're going to have to lose at least one point for that. So I'm going to go four. I should go three because it's a pretty big deal to cut someone's head off. So you're going to have to lose at least one point for that. So I'm going to go four. I should go three

because it's a pretty big deal to cut someone's head off. I don't want to minimise that for modern listeners. I don't think they understand how in the past cutting someone's head off was really seen

as a sort of way of disrespecting someone. It was like their version of dissing, wasn't it? Yeah, so a four. Have I told you about how my um father-in-law spoiled the sixth sense for my wife i don't think so or told the podcast tell us listeners if james has told us that if i have told you that just skip past the next minute

or listen to it again because it's one of my favorite stories so my wife was living in japan for a time and her dad came to visit this the time when The Sixth Sense came out, and he said, oh, do you want to go to the cinema? We'll go see The Sixth Sense. It's great. Bruce Willis plays a ghost. And she said, I've heard there's a twist in this. Have you just spoiled it for me?

And he said, no, it doesn't matter. But, listener, it did matter. I think it was, it doesn't matter. But listener, it did matter. I think it was, it's not important. That is, I mean, he plays it like it's Casper, like he plays a ghost, like he's a funny ghost. Yes, twist, it was important. Wow, yeah, he's like his own M. Night Shy Little Man. you've been listening to lawmen with me alistair beckett king and me james shakeshaft and if you sign up on patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod you can support the pod and get stuff in return oh yeah you get

stickers some proof and a bit of content that is as groundbreaking as it is compelling it's the full audio of a bit of a car journey when we were driving back for the green man festival would that be right along with the law boys james yeah there's a little taste of it coming up maybe sign up first yes before you hear it coming up maybe sign up first yes sign up before listening to it please it will it will not persuade you the law boys are on tour yes we're in a car yes but this is the home leg of the tour yes because we went to Greenmount Festival

planning to get into the rich folklore of Wales planning to interview all the amazing comedians who were there yes

and mainly napped in a tent yes and watched stand-up comedy yes it was really great it was a lovely time yeah

um and but that's why we're now recording that's why we're now recording. That's why we're recording in the car on the way back because we forgot to do anything. Really. It did rain a lot, didn't it?

It did rain a lot. I've got... Hopefully we've illustrated the rain with some noise of rain. That's actual rain. Live rain. That's not stock rain. That's rain that we experience. We're not downloading rain from the internet

to illustrate rain that's proper that's proper welsh rain we own that rain that's our rain if you want to use that rain you you better credit us i was thinking of making it into an nft after speaking to sunil we we met sunil patel again who is now a crypto bro, to the surprise of no one. He was really trying to get me into his crypto bro. Do not do it, James. Do not do it. It's of no value. Okay, I won't.

Thank you. Speaking of things of no value, we're playing the pub game, though. Yeah. Explain the pub game. So the pub game, I got it from my wife's family. It is a game to entertain the kids you know the pub game for kids and what it is on a journey in a car you each take it in turns to get the amount of legs in the name of the pub that you drive past that we drive us like so uh oh so James you you just

drove past a place called what a hot air balloon you just drove past the lights. Oh, so James, you just drove past a place called what? A hot air balloon. You just drove past the hot air balloon, James. Who calls a pub the hot air balloon? That said, no, a hot air balloon doesn't have to have a person in it. It's at zero. Yeah, unless the image on the pub sign has legs. So if it had a little person in the hot air balloon, you would have got two. Yes.

So I've just driven past the seven springs. Yeah. And that's also zero. So the game is really hotting up, listener. Yeah. You have joined us at the least exciting,

least dramatic stage of the game. And you're on ten? I'm on ten. Yeah, I'm on four. James is on four, which is lower than ten, actually. Yes, that is a smaller

number currently. Yes, for now. Yes. James on four, which is lower than ten, actually. Yes, that is a smaller number currently. Yes, for now. Yes. So it's pretty exciting. Yeah. A frog meal. It's got a frog on that four legs. Is that a pub?

Yes. Do frogs have four legs or do they have two legs and arms? Oh. No, they've got legs. We're recording in the car. Is that a crime, James? Is it illegal to podcast in a car? Because you're driving.

But we're talking... Just to be clear, we don't have a driver. Yes. I'm not going to put it out me incriminating myself. No. As recording myself whilst driving. Well, let's just fictionalise a driver. So it's me and James in a carriage.

Yeah. Being drawn by... Clive. So it's me and James in a carriage. Yeah. Being drawn by... The life. Rudolfo. Clive Rudolfo. Clive Rudolfo. His parents were Italian. Can't be illegal to podcast and drive yet.

That's exactly the kind of thing they would want to stop, James. We're trying to get the truth out on the road. Trying to keep one step ahead of the authorities. The thought police. The pod police. The pod police listening and having opinions. The podplod. PC pod.

Yes. I see why they would want to stop. Yeah. This kind of fiery content. Mm-hmm. It's too dangerous. I see why they would want to stop. Yeah. This kind of fiery content. Mm-hmm. It's too dangerous. Mm-hmm.

So you can't play the pub game next.