Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep79: Loremen S3 Ep79 - 100th Episode (Pt. 1) London, Underground

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

A trilogy of bone-chilling subterranean tales are unearthed by James, in Part 1 of our 100th episode “spectacular.” Marvel, as the Loremen encounter a mummy’s curse, get lost in the Kennington Loop and come face-to-face with an Absolute Bad Boy. We also learn the French term for earthquake and answer the age-old riddle: when is a wig, not a wig? And finally, the disembodied voice of (friend of the show) Chris Cantrill holds the Loreboys to account. Recorded in front of a live studio audience, full of loyal Lorefolk. Plus one guy who looked very confused. Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair. We had a fun weekend, didn't we? We did have a fun weekend. We did a live, live show. With an audience.

With a real audience. I honestly didn't know that our podcast was funny. Yeah, I thought this was a deathly serious breakdown of folklore, 90s hip-hop, and similarly 90s Saturday night television.

So this is the first half of the live show celebrating our 100th episode and it's you telling a story james yeah a couple of stories really plus a guest appearance from voice of the people chris cantrell chris cantrell please welcome to the stage, the Lawmen. Hello. All right. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. By way of a cheer, has anybody heard our podcast before? Yes. Good. Now the more troubling question, has anybody not heard the Lawmen podcast? What's your name, heathen matty hello matty there's 99 episodes of research that you need to do before you can understand any

of this yeah we'll wait we'll wait no we'll wait get it why are you not downloading it you know hello welcome welcome no we should explain really we should know yes right it's uh a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore i'm alistair beckett king and i'm james shakeshaft well welcome thank you very much for coming i can't believe everyone who listens to the podcast came it just seems and brought their friend who's gonna download it now this is literally. Wow. It's very nice to see you all in person. I mean, no one's mentioned my triple denim yet,

so I'm assuming your eyes aren't working. I splashed out. You literally bought this for this? I bought this bit for the rest of the denim. It's model's own, but this was... That's the denim you were born in. This is a suit. You can buy this on the internet, a suit jacket made of denim. You can,. This is a suit. You can buy this

on the internet. A suit jacket made of denim. You can, but should you? Yes. According to my wife, this is grounds for divorce. So I will never wear it again. Except if you go to

a cowboy's wedding, maybe. Or if I'm officiating a cowboy's wedding. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to upstage the bride. Come on. Well, I thought for this law, I'd do some London law

because we are currently in London. Right? Sure. Till bloody Brussels says that we can't be. Yeah. Yeah, flipping... Probably can't even call it London. Maybe that's offensive.

Yeah, to King Alert. I'm being ironic. There's some people here... Irony doesn't come out on podcasts. Sorry. Should never be ironic on the internet. Not in a recorded manner. In three sets of recorded manners.

We do have a lot of microphones. Well, I looked up Angel, this area, Angel Islington, as everyone has to say, because otherwise we'd be doing a gig in the Angel of the North, I guess, because that's the other angel it could be. And there is a little bit of law around the corner, but I'll get to that later. First of all, I thought, let's have a look at the London Underground.

Did anyone travel here via the medium of the London Underground, a.k.a. the Tube? There are some people shaking their heads as if they have not heard of the world's oldest underground railway. I wanted to talk about Tube-based ghosts. Yeah, right. And I thought I'd sort of whittle it down to just the Northern line because it's my least favourite line.

That sounds offensive. What have you got against Northern ghosts? It's just the smell of whippets. Northern ghosts are always starting conversations. I just it's just the smell of whippets look at those the northern ghosts are always starting conversations you know

that's how you know that's why people notice them yeah exactly they're so friendly that's a good point actually that's probably it

so I kept it to the northern line and I've got a ghost from a ghost station because you know there are some stations

that don't exist anymore like the British Museum station well this one is the British Museum station are you looking this one is the British Museum Station. Are you looking at my notes? No, I'm just knowledgeable, sorry. Do you want to do that again without me spoiling the reveal? Do you know there are ghost stations, Alastair?

You're blowing my mind, James. Do you know there's such a thing as a British Museum? What's a museum? And there used to be an underground station there, the British Museum. What's a museum? And there used to be an underground station there, the British Museum Station, now closed and demolished. How do you demolish a hole?

Great point. Great question. Isn't it? I guess you put stuff in it. That's not demolishing. That's molishing, if anything. Well, yeah. So this station was haunted

by the ghost of an Egyptian mummy. Oh. Yeah. Again, you have to specify it's Egyptian, not just a mummy. Oh? Yeah. Again, you have to specify it's Egyptian, not just a mummy. We really are transitioning towards the lawman pantomime.

I really wasn't ready for audience reaction. It's slowing the whole thing down a lot. I used to go, ooh, every time something remotely sinister happens. So this was Princess Amun-Ra, who died in 1050 BCE. For context, is around 2,000 years after beekeeping was invented. Right, thank you. And their sarcophagus was, I'm going to be doing air quotes now, but I can't because I'm holding a microphone and notebook,

donated to the British Museum in 1889. Now, even when it was delivered, it caused problems. While they were unloading it, one workman broke his leg and another one died shortly afterwards. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shortly afterwards. Hey, that workman was in good health before. Oh, okay, all right. Before he died at a different time.

Yes. Shortly afterwards. Wow. And then they set it up, and later watchmen reported sounds of knocking and sobbing coming from the sarcophagus. Evidently didn't have a look inside in case perhaps an animal had got caught in there or something.

And so the watchmen started leaving their jobs, and another one died. On duty as well, no less. In a different job he took after it. But still. Their health is not disclosed, so they might have had underlying health conditions that were exacerbated by an unlucky mummy. Yeah, did they die of the mummy or with the mummy, James? It's a big difference.

They died of mummy-related diseases. Okay, all right. Mummy at the time was one of the leading causes of death in the country. So they took a picture of the lid, and when they developed it, it had a horrible face on it, which was not the face that was there normally. And that really undermines the spookiness of that bit of the story when I have to explain it, doesn't it?

There was a face on it. When they took a picture, it was a scarier face in the pictures. Wow. Yeah. Very spooky. And then after about 20 years, it was sold to an American archaeologist, an adventurer. And in April 1912, he arranged to have it shipped home to New York

with him aboard the Titanic that is right that deserves an ooh right no no no that was one that had a good ooh so that

and then that ghost was seen knocking around in the British Museum station just running around so what happened to the sarcophagus it's at the bottom

of the sea how did that happen spoiler you've not seen the film yet have you yeah shocking So what happened to the sarcophagus? It's at the bottom of the sea. How did that happen? Spoiler, you've not seen the film yet, have you? Yeah, shocking. And that's that story. That's that spooky story. So if you ever find yourself in a station that doesn't exist anymore,

look out for a mummy that didn't exist, probably. All right, I've got a better one. Kennington, also on the Northern line. Nice link. AKA the worst line. Because it's not one line, is it, the Northern line? It's two lines that claim to be one line, and they are annoying. And you have to change at Kennington, don't you?

Because only one side of it actually continues on. The other side of it knocks off at Kennington. Because it's lazy. It's getting a bit London-centric. I can hear Scottish listeners becoming furious. Google a tube map. Google a tube map. And then you'll see that that's not a line, the Northern Line. I really don't like that.

This is all been an elaborate way of getting people to hear my anti-Northern Line bias. It's just certainly transitioning the podcast towards a sort of points of view thing. Why oh why? Minor inconveniences. So you have to change there and the trains that stop at Kennington need to turn around to go back up

the other end of the Northern Line to prevent shunting. That's what it said in the book. Not my words, the words of Haunted London Underground by David Brandon and Alan Brooke. And there's a thing there called the Kennington Loop, which is like a big under, it's a big loop. It sounds like a ragtime song, doesn't it? Yeah, the Kennington Loop. The Kennington Loop, it's the Kennington Loop. But if that were a ragtime song. But in the form of a ragtime song. If you can imagine that as a ragtime song.

So the Kennington Loop goes underneath Kennington and it's where drivers, they get everyone off the train and then they go into this Kennington Loop to turn the train round. And it's quite a tight loop. And again, I'm quoting, it leads to ominous flange squeal. In fact, I think that's actually irksome. Irksome flange squeal. In fact, I think it's actually irksome. Irksome flange squeal. Wow.

One of the leading exponents of psychedelic jazz. Irksome flange squeal. I've got all his LPs. I loved his Kennington Loop. The only record that never ends. So in there, you just have one driver,

and he has to sit in the dark waiting at the light to come back round onto the station. And drivers regularly report hearing the sound of doors opening and closing on the carriages, getting closer and closer. You know the ones between the carriages? The ones that only absolute bad boys use. If you've ever used one, people look at you like you are

some sort of king. Yeah. Watch out, it's an ABB. Yeah. An absolute bad boy. Wow. I thought you'd

forgotten your name. I'm an absolute bad king. Yeah. Yeah, it works. It works. Not a lot of support for me being really badass. Not even an ooh. A general air of scepticism for my level of threat.

Okay. No, I've never used one of those doors. No, I did it once when the train was stationary and oh, it gives you a feeling of power. Although my wife once saw some absolute bad boy stood with the door, tween the doors. So in the little outside world.

In the liminal space. Yes. Is that what liminal means? Is that what everyone keeps using it about? Is that what they mean? It means that bit between the two carriages. That's what's liminal. And all the pictures, they just,

this reminds me of that bit between the two carriages. That bit between the two carriages, yeah. Because, and this absolute bad boy was stood one foot on each carriage, urinating down there. He's taken his life in his hands in three separate ways. Falling off, exposure and electrocution through urine. Wow. Chasing him back up and in.

Yeah. He had his ABB. He did a PP. Something about electricity. So the driver heard this noise. Oh, of course. Of course. Carry on.

That's all I've got. AC, DC. You get an AC, that's PP. And it'll be ABBRIP. So, explain. Is this rap? Are we doing rap now?

So, that was the Kennington Loop. My troubling second album. Yeah, and the driver reported hearing this noise after having obviously checked that the train was empty, reported it to his boss and his boss said, oh yeah, that happens a lot. Yeah, that'd be a ghost, mate. Yeah, that'd be a ghost, absolutely bad boy.

He did a wee on the Piccadilly line and then the Northern line obviously brings us here to Angel there lived a man in the past called Mr. Cloudsley

Mr. Cloudsley? yeah it's like cloudy but it's got silly Mr. Cloudsley and he lived around here and he died in 1517. He left 14 acres of land to this borough, which is around 10 football pitches.

In today's money. In today's money of acreage. And he specifically asked that his body be buried within the churchyard of the parish church of Islington. He really was like, I'm going to give you all this stuff. I want you to bury me in the churchyard. Okay, thanks. Sounds reasonable. I bet they buried him there. No, they made a big crypt for him, a big tomb. And it said, here lies the body of Richard Cloudsley, a good benefactor to this parish, who died 9 Henry VIII, Anno Domini, 1517.

I got weird with the dates there. I don't know what that means. Who died 9 Henry VIII? Who died on the 9th of Henry VIII, Anno Domini. Do you think they're like copy and pasted two different epithets? Yes, I think so. Print king. Go to 10.

Go to Henry VIII. Are you rapping in basic now? Yes. So in a field outside that church, there were earthquakes. And to use the terminology of the time, there were heavings or tremblements de terre. Which is French. Tremblements de terre. It's like if your mum wants to sort of posh up an earthquake.

It was not an earthquake. It was a tremblement de tear. So there were some of them. And in a certain field near that parish, a big lump appeared in the middle of the field. And what they realised was it was the body of richard cloudsley he'd been buried in the field not in his tomb what yeah they buried him in the field despite his one very specific wish that he'd be buried in the tomb in the church they made the

tomb he couldn't have been clearer about that i don't think he could have been that he was clearer than the person that did the epitaph obviously but yeah and so what happened was certain exercisers if we may so term them did at dead of night nothing aloft using divers exercises at torchlight set at rest the unruly spirit of the said clouds ali and the earth did return near to its pristine shape never more commotion proceeding therefrom to this day. And this I know of a very certainty. Pretty good. And now it says on the tomb, this tomb was erected by an order of vestry held on Easter Tuesday.

Which one's Easter Tuesday, guys? Easter Sunday, familiar with. Easter Monday, familiar with. Easter Friday, you mean Good Friday, but I know what you're talking about. There's no Easter Tuesday. When's there an Easter Tuesday? And do we get chocolates? It's just Jesus went about his business.

I don't know. I'm a vegan. You can't really. I was going to say you can't get vegan chocolate eggs. You can, but Holland and Barrett have got Ys. Well, they used to because they're like 20 quid. But then the day after Easter, they used to drop them to like two quid. And then Holland and Barrett have realised that vegans don't care whether it's Easter.

And now they know. They no longer drop the price after Easter. They used to drop them at like two quid. And then Holland and Barrett have realised that vegans don't care whether it's Easter. And now they no longer drop the price after Easter. So you come in and they're like, yeah, 20 quid for an egg. I've found nowadays that shops actually sell out of Easter eggs before Easter. They're wise to the whole post-Easter gate. This country's gone to the dogs. Isn't it just? Yes., to perpetuate the memory of Richard Cloudsley, a very considerable benefactor to this parish, which again is an improvement on the first one where they just said a good benefactor. He's given you 14 football pitches worth. But no, he's a very considerable benefactor to this parish

who was interred AD 1517, whose remains were found and deposited in a leaden coffin underneath on the 10th of June 1813 by the Reverend G. Strahan, D.D. Vicar. Is that written the way you said it? Or did you put a bit of a

flourish on that, James? No, it's got D.D. V. Strahan, D.D. Vicar. Yeah, direct debit, Vicar. And at the foot of the tomb it says Richard Cloudsley, 1517. Hundreds of years later, he was eventually buried. Yeah, he spent 300 years not realising he was buried in the wrong place. Well, you'd be even more furious, wouldn't you? Yes, you would cause a tremblement to tear.

I mean, I did that about the vegan egg thing, so yeah. He's certainly been buried in the wrong place, yeah. And that should be the end of the story. But in 1899, on Thursday the 5th of January, the Sheffield Evening Telegraph posted a story, posted... LAUGHTER What an idiot. Being quote-treated by Charles Dickens.

What show is that? Ridiculous. I don't know when Charles Dickens died. Don't check. There was an article published called A Christmas Hoax, and it said some remarkable scenes were witnessed late on Tuesday night, as in the early hours of yesterday morning, outside St Mary's Parish Church, Islington, in consequence of a rumour that had gained credence that a ghost was haunting the churchyard.

And towards 12 o'clock, a large crowd, the majority of whom were the rougher class, assembled in Church Lane in the vicinity and by shouts and catcalls managed to attract unwary passers-by with the result that some of them lost their watches. Oh! And then the police came along and tried to dissuade people tracked unwary passers-by with the result that some of them lost their watches. Oh. And then the police came along and tried to dissuade people from attempting to see this spook,

but the crowd, instead of getting smaller, grew bigger. As many passers-by were molested by a larger force of police... Oh, no. As many passers-by were molested, a larger force of police were requisitioned. You went a bit political there, James. Yes, I did. Yeah, loads more police came. I'm going to paraphrase it now because basically loads more police came

and it was all a big hoax. Someone did the classic ghost bait and switch in order to go pickpocket in. Said there's a ghost here in the church. Come and look at it, everyone. And then pick the pockets. That old chestnut. So after the show, we should all go to the church. Come and look at it, everyone. And then pick the pockets. That old chestnut. So after the show, we should all go to this church.

Matty, you cash rich? What? No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I was seeing if you would, I don't know enough about grifts. Are you a Jack?

Are they telling us to start with, are you cash rich? Do they not? No. Inefficient grifting. It's the kind of thing that gets people's backs up, I guess. What? Yeah. That was a. Inefficient rifting. It's the kind of thing that gets people's backs up. What?

Yeah. That was a great story, James. Yeah, that's the story of Mr. Cloudsley who haunts a church nearby. Oh, yeah. Wow, a single clap. So we have a Patreon

and when you join that Patreon you get access to our Discord. Alistair, will you explain what a Discord is? Because I don't know. It's like a private chat room slash executive washroom for... It sounds seedier than it is. It's not as seedy as that. The rougher class are not welcome.

Let me be clear about that. We're the creme, the creme of the law folk, of the listeners, get together to make fun of James's clothes and... Post pictures of Trey Bakes. Yeah, and post pictures of Trey Bakes. I'm generally not mocked, because I think there's just more respect.

Yeah, sure, sure. This is a very sceptical wing, I think. Very sceptical for people who listen to a podcast about ghosts. You've managed to find the limits of their scepticity. So that's what a Discord is. Yes. So in that Discord, we asked people to ask us some questions.

We got them read out by Voice of the People, your friend and ours, friend of the show, Chris Cantrell. Yes. Television's Chris Cantrell. TV, Chris Cantrell. Yes. Television's Chris Cantrell. TV's Chris Cantrell, yeah. He was on Dave TV, riding on the coattails of Amy Gledhill. Yes, the very talented Amy Gledhill, yeah. He crept in.

Shall we see what his first question is? Okay. First question. Full Mellow Bird says, would love to hear how you two met and how Arman was born. You know, well, conceived. Thanks, Chris. He's really committing to this unpaid work.

So where did we meet? Here? No, not here. Here in London. I think it was Stockwell. Yes, Cavendish Arms in Stockwell. Cavendish Arms, that's the one. Yes, James was wearing probably a powder blue suit. Or denim. Or just all denim. yeah I think it was Stockwell yes Cavendish Arms in Stockwell Cavendish Arms that's the one yes James was wearing

probably a powder blue suit or denim or just all denim it was just a denim smear you were probably wearing brown cords same cords same clothes as I am now

yeah I've only got one pair and it was just an open mic night that's how comedians meet each other it's really as as unfun as that but it was your idea

to do a podcast about baseball yes yes I think it was as we were driving past Stonehenge that I But it was your idea to do a podcast about basketball? Yes. Yes. I think it was as we were driving past Stonehenge that I suggested it, actually. Is that right? Yeah, it was when we were

going to Glastonbury. We went to Glastonbury. The festival. Not the tour. But we drove past the tour. We did drive past. Well, we drove past a roundabout that had a stone on it and I pretended that it was the tour and I think you believed me. I've just found out now. Well, that wasn past a roundabout that had a stone on it and I pretended that it was the tour and I think you believed me. I've just found out now.

Well, that wasn't the tour. What? Because I said, it's a lot smaller up close, isn't it? Surely you could tell from my... I was not playing along. I thought you were yes-anding in a very lazy manner. Just guessing. There's yes-anding and there's being extremely naive.

It's literally like a slice of a small child or a very big watermelon. On a mini roundabout. Not even in Glastonbury. I think it was in Froome. So that's how lawmen came to be. I tricked him.

And he has never escaped. Another question from Chris. How does Jim feel about came to be. I tricked him and he has never escaped. Another question from Chris. Okay. How does Jim feel about ABK's Twitter following? Oof, that's a good one. Meow. And there was no name with that one. Coward.

Yeah, fine. What's the next question? Next question. Well, all I'll say is there's probably two ways to the top one is having hundreds of thousands

of Twitter followers but there's something to be said for having like 600 do you know what I mean it's a it's a marathon

not a sprint was there any law either of you truly believed in as children other than James in the hmm don't say the name oh right that's what he was either of you truly believed in as children other than James in the...

Don't say their name. Oh, right, that's what he was going to say. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I was confused, yeah. We won't. It's a way too dangerous situation to invoke them. Yeah, yeah, we've got four mics. We can't be invoking...

Is anyone here called Mike? We've got five mics. Five mics. We've got a penta-Mike. That's dangerous. Oh, law that we believed as children. Well, obviously, there was the one about St Mary's Church and the ghost, but I think school was where the law was traded, wasn't it, in the playgrounds?

Yeah. I don't even know if this is really folklore. So in my... We're live-streaming this, so I can't say the name of my primary school headteacher. Can I? Can I say it? It depends what you then go on to say. It's not going to be actionable. Okay. So in our school, it was understood

that Mr. B*** wears a wig. That was his name. It was understood that he wears a wig. Everyone would go, Mr. B*** wears a wig. But the context that you need to know for this is that he was a visibly bald man. Years later, I saw a photograph of him from the 80s, I think. And he was wearing what looked like a wig. So I realized that he must have one time have worn a wig and the kids all knew about it. And then he stopped wearing a wig and the kids continued to pass on the rumor that he wore a wig. Because he was one of those guys who has a side parting. And so he clearly had had like maybe a comb over.

So he had the rim and then just a little sort of sausage of hair that wasn't enough to extend all the way across the dome. But it was just like a little sort of side mojito. Yeah, like a little bit. And we thought that was the wig. Just a strip of wig. We thought he was too vain to be bald all the way. But not vain enough to cover the whole head.

He was vain, but tight. We thought he'd bought a Brazilian merkin and just put it... We wouldn't have known what that was. And just put it there. So we firmly believe known what that was. And just put it there. So we firmly believe that a visibly bald man wore a wig. I think that's the end of the first half. Yeah, that's the end of the first half.

Thanks very much, folks. So that was but the first half. Yeah, it's the interval now. So go get yourself a drink, use the toilet, probably do both of those things several times over the course of a week. Yeah, it's an interval that lasts a week. So thank you for listening to Lawmen for up to 100 episodes. Yeah. Sort of.

Yeah, 99 and a half. Not bad. Yeah, thank you very much. We genuinely wouldn't have bothered if it wasn't for you. Yeah, I think we probably would have knocked it on the head by now. I hope so. I really hope we should have. Don't forget to join the Patreon.

Don't forget to use the Patreon. Don't forget. It's in a cockney knees. We've got to say that at any point during the live show. No, don't forget to join the Patreon if you want to get up to the minute law news from us. The majority of the content on the Discord server at the moment is amateur Treybake photography. So if you want to access that hot content, go to patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod. Someone listened to them all in basically a month. Really?

Someone messaged us. I can't remember their name off the top of my head, but hello. And now they're just wandering the streets in double denim. Yeah. Shouting about dust. Yes. And asking who's Noel Edmonds. What and why is a Mr. Blobby?

And can Chris Cantrell be stopped? No.