Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep85: Loremen S3 Ep85 - The Blue Girl of Nettlestone Priory

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

Pop on your spine warmers, because you're gonna need 'em! James Shakeshaft takes Alasdair Beckett-King on a school trip to the Isle of Wight. Will Little Jimmy Shakes win the approval of the bigger boys when he spends the night in a haunted hotel?  This episode began as our Halloween live-scream, viewable in full here: https://youtu.be/O2RtVq6uKZc James's costume has to be seen to be believed! Oh ps that RPG with James playing (not for kids - it's sweary and gory) is based on Alien and can found thusly... https://youtu.be/Jm3fHMnIBiI Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631  Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Si vous faites vos achats tout en travaillant, en mangeant ou même en écoutant ce balado, alors vous connaissez et aimez l'excitation du magasinage. Mais avez-vous ce frisson d'obtenir le meilleur deal? Les membres de Rakuten, eux, oui. Ils magasinent les marques qu'ils aiment et font d'importantes économies, en plus des remises en argent. Et vous pouvez aussi commencer à gagner des remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés, comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia, et même cumuler les ventes et les remises en argent dans vos magasins préférés comme Old Navy, Best Buy et Expedia. Et même cumulez les ventes et les remises en argent.

C'est facile à utiliser et vous obtenez vos remises par PayPal ou par chèque. L'idée est simple. Les magasins paient Rakuten pour leur envoyer des gens magasinés. Et Rakuten partage l'argent avec vous sous forme de remise. Téléchargez l'application gratuite Rakuten et ne manquez jamais un bon deal. Ou allez sur rakuten.ca pour en avoir plus pour votre argent. C'est R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure

curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I, on the other hand, am Alistair Beckett-King. This special Halloween episode, which is not out of date, it's not been that long since Halloween. I mean, come on. We actually did this as a video live stream over on the old video places. What is this, the metaverse? Another reference that will be out of date.

Yes. Very quickly. And of course, it being Halloween, we did fancy dress. I dressed as a human-faced dog. Yeah, you had dog ears. And you were... A Scottish ghost. Alistair Beckett King.

No, I was a Scottish ghost, James. I came as a Scottish ghost. I thought you just looked a bit tired. I'll just say it, I'll say it properly. Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Mr. James Shakeshaft. And I'm James Shakeshaft. Unusable. Completely unusable. and i'm james shakeshaft for the purposes of the edit and uh james have you got a spooky halloween tale for my enjoyment oh big time

absolutely massively this is a tale ripped from reality my reality oh but we'll get to that in a minute first of all i just want to let you know this tale is going to take place on the isle of white which is a little island off hampshire and white in video games is a kind of ghost yeah so that's already scary some sort of undead creature i think it used to just refer to, but then it sort of became used for undead. I think it just meant a living thing, yeah. Yeah. Somehow it went from meaning a living thing to meaning a dead thing.

I think there is like a barrow white thing, and then Tolkien started using that as a sort of thing. I mean, Tolkien, careering in here with his massive books, yeah. Talking about this, talking about that. That's my diss on Tolkien. Very good. Do you want to hear my diss on Tolkien?

Do you want to hear my humorous Tolkien quip? Mm-hmm. You know that he was inspired to write Lord of the Rings during the First World War? Because it went on far too long and there weren't any women involved. Yeah. Bit of satire. Very nice. But yeah, so we were in the isle of white i just wanted

to do a black and china update okay good i thought that was strafing machine gun fire with no i can't talk about the isle of white without talking about black gang chine which is the name of a theme park yeah of sorts when i was looking up isle of white in friend of the show law of the land it turns out that black gang chine is accursed back in the past in the long ago times this is a tale from the early 19th century it was quite a nice area there were grass and flowers but there was a ferocious giant lurking in a cave there. And this monster ate human flesh. Ooh.

Especially children. Especially children? I guess they're like... Like the veal. I guess it's like baby carrots are nicer than normal carrots. Yeah, you can see your vegan ways and my meat-eater ways go in there. Baby carrots are the veal of carrots. Yeah.

Although I had heard, tell me if this is a conspiracy theory i heard the baby carrots they were just when there was a weird carrot that was a weird shape they just shaved them down to the sides of the baby carrot and sold it as a baby carrot and that they weren't actually young younger carrots they weren't baby carrots not to blow anyone's mind but i had i've heard that you know i'm just asking questions you know i haven't got any evidence for it but you know what how who would i be if i didn't go on the internet and speculate wildly without evidence you would be wasting your opportunity absolutely they put big carrots on a lathe says super angry shrimp yeah i imagine that would be something they would do in order to save money liz edger is wondering if veal is just like a deer shaved down to a smaller deer.

But baby sweetcorn, that's worse than full-size sweetcorn. Yeah, and that's definitely a baby sweetcorn. Yeah. Like, if you shaved a sweetcorn down, it would just be the core. You'd just be dealing with cob, pure cob. Unless. Cob. They whittle it down to cob, and then they carve it intricately

so it resembles a sweetcorn. And they sell that at a massive loss. The craftsmanship that goes into that is extraordinary. Right. So this giant, the babies. Because they're sweeter. Roasted them alive over a charcoal fire. Mmm, smoky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd like some char-grilled. Nice. This giant has good taste. He likes beautiful Mmm, smoky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd like some char-grilled. Nice. This giant has good taste. He likes beautiful flowers, nice scenery, the freshest children. Yeah.

Mmm. Finally, a holy man dared to enter the cave and confront this giant, and it says here he sat enthroned on a heap of skulls and bones. Presumably baby skulls and bones, though,

so probably more a stool than a chair. Or just absolutely loads of them, like a massive Duplo. Oh yeah. Like a Lego thing. No wonder it'd be so grumpy, that would be very uncomfortable.

It'd be like those, do you remember those bead covers that people used to get for chairs in the 90s? Yes. Like massage covers. I imagine it,

for a giant, it would be like that, but baby skulls. But made of baby skulls. It's still good for your back, but it's unethical. Taller people are more likely to suffer from sciatica. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe we're being too quick to judge this baby and giant. Mm-hmm. Well, wait until you've walked a mile in his gigantic sandals, James. Also made out of baby stuff. Made of babies. Yeah, parts of babies. It is surrounded with snakes, scorpions, toads, and dragons. And the holy man cursed the giant and his home,

and here are the words he used. And these are, I'm quoting a poem here. Okay. Nor flowers nor fruit this earth shall bear, but all shall be dark and waste and bare. There's rhyme bear with bear there, which is... He's thinking on his feet, James. There's like four dragons in the room and a giant, so...

And toads. I'd like to see you freestyle mc your way out of that situation that that calls for more than my name is james and i'm here to say well no that's the thing he's a holy man and it says here legend does not record his name so he obviously didn't start his rap in the traditional manner if he had done that we would have remembered him yes nor shall the ground give footing dry to beasts that walk or birds that fly but a poisonous stream shall run to the sea Bitter to taste and bloody to see And the earth it shall crumble and crumble away

And crumble on till judgment day You got a bit stuck on the crumble thing there But basically It's sometimes when you haven't got enough syllables You just add a few more crumbles in Crumble and crumble And crumble away And crumble on till Judgment Day.

And that is where the theme park Black Gang Chyne is now. That worked then, did it? That method of... Yeah, it got rid of the giant and cursed the land. And now there's a theme park that's fallen in the sea. Coincidence? I don't know. So that was the Black Gang Chyne update.

Thank you. Do you have to do that at the end of an update? I't know thank you for that it's no problem just adjust my ears sorry listeners to the podcast won't be able to hear every time you do a good bit of uh podcasting you just sort of flick your dog ear back a little bit you just sort of adjust your talking i haven't got long hair like you so i can't it must be i know i'm always i can i look like a king charles spaniel at the best of times funny you should say king charles spaniel because a king charles spaniel very much a part of this story alistair really yeah what a spooky halloween coincidence smash cut to the cotswolds the late 1980s are we about to meet young jimmy shakes we're about to meet young Jimmy Shakes? We're about to meet a young buck around town. Oh, yeah.

A little nine or ten-year-old called Little Jimmy Shakes. I can see him whizzing past on one of those fixie bikes with maybe a flag at the back. I'm on a skateboard, mate. It's on a skateboard? Who are you, Bart Simpson? I wanted to be Marty McFly. Ah.

Are you irritating various amusing characters in the local area by grabbing onto the back of their vehicles probably yeah just just just moving through the town giving us a little vignette into different characters lives just wave waving at the aerobics gym in chipping norton um i'm going to primary school and this is new i've moved from the big city to sleepy old chippin on to hold shake up the place yeah like doc hollywood yes also played by michael j fox and are you wearing double denim in this scene as a child if the school uniform had been den bedenimed i would have been but no i think i'm wearing school uniform, unfortunately. Probably flicked my collar up. Okay.

And we're going on a school trip to the Isle of Wight. It's quite fancy. That's quite far. We'd have to go on a ferry or hovercraft to get there. Yeah, yeah. Fun fact, there was a girl in our year called Isla and a boy whose surname was White. And we made the joke that if they should if they got married they would be called isla white that's really good and we oh we laughed at that neither of them laughed

at it but we laughed at that that is excellent another fun fact it's the same boy that lived next to the langston arms kingham from, I think, last Halloween story about old Wick Rissington. The one where the old lady... Yeah, the ghost. He thought he saw a ghost, but it was a real old lady who'd got confused and wandered in. Potentially. Or it was a ghost that he thought was a real old lady.

Let's not rule anything out. No. Baby carrots, just small carrots. We just don't know. No one knows. No one's asking these questions. No. And so before this trip, bigger boys came and told us that where we were staying on this school trip, there was a stuffed dog. And if you got that stuffed dog and rotated it 360 degrees, a little girl would appear

and say, where's my doggy? That's quite sweet. that's quite sweet that is quite sweet for something that older boys made up to tell you that is very sweet that's adorable that's what i thought they made it up oh i mentioned this in our discord the where's my doggy story almost straight away someone came back oh yeah that's based on a real story and i so i researched it alistair i found the book ghosts of the isle of wight the original ghosts of the isle of wight this is a re-release we're in a the real ghostbusters situation here yeah is there a knockoff version of that knocking about there's many sequels oh more ghosts of the isle of wight i think there's the return of the ghosts of the isle of wight is it gabe aldwyn return of the Ghosts of the Isle of Wight. Is it Gay Baldwin?

Is that the author? Gay Baldwin. Yeah, Gayna Baldwin. She is quite a well-known Isle of Wight recorder of ghost incidents. Also, in doing the research for this, I found there's a movie version of the book Ghosts of the Isle of Wight. It's not the kind of book that normally gets turned into a movie. Well, they have. This is the graphic of the movie of the book, Ghosts of the Isle of Wight.

Ghosts of the Isle of Wight, the movie. And you cannot buy that quality of graphic design. You cannot pay for that. No, you'd better not have paid for that, Old Mill Entertainment, who I also looked up. And, well, shall I just let them speak for themselves? Yeah, yeah, let them speak for themselves, James. This is the about page of their website, which is, to be fair, slightly better than that graphic would make you think.

At Old Mill Entertainment, we're passionate about content that centres around escapism and challenging your perception of reality. Okay, okay. Our content crosses over multiple mediums, such as streaming, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It sounds like a description of us so far, but carry on. Well, when you learn the truth, OMI specializes in utilizing the power of imagination

to create compelling entertainment, bringing the idea to life and ultimately to the marketplace. So far, so generic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So far, so something that a team on the apprentice would say what they seem to exclusively deal in is obscure ghost docos from vhs e.g ghost of the isle of white ghost of nottingham and is your house haunted and the other genre is adult film what titles such as serena the sexplorer i presume she's an explorer of sex

yeah and then there's the crossover yeah monster of the nudist colony they're not better at titles when it comes to soft pornography well alistair when i tell you they're magnum opus if that means what i think it means the title of that is scared topless see the only thing i can think that that's a pun on is really, really. It could be scared witless. Oh, witless. I think scared witless. Scared witless. Oh, is that the original?

I think that might be the original. Okay, not. Not what you thought it was. Not what I thought it was. To be fair to Gaynor, that's got nothing to do with the books. They are just the people that bought the rights to the VHS that was made of her book. Yes. I don't want to.

I'm sure she's not deliberately working in sexy subtexts. No, no, not at all. So the place that we were staying, it's now a family-run hotel called The Priory at Nettlestone. And it used to be in private ownership. And there was a young girl called Sheila who used to play there. And she always admired this painting of a 14 year old girl in a blue dress with a little canary in her hand and a little dog at her feet a king charles spaniel now apparently the girl

had died shortly after the painting was painted oh that's very sad as is often the way in these ghost stories and the little bird probably didn't last a lot longer either the bird leaves the story oh the bird is no longer referenced, unfortunately. I don't know about everybody else, but I was waiting to hear what happened to the bird. But the girl, she hasn't left the story. All the grounds of the priory, she continues to manifest as a ghost. She would often manifest in her bedroom.

There'd be the smell of lavender, the swish of silk, a little cheeky giggle nice and a sudden chill in the air and her figure was often seen tripping down the main staircase now from context i think they mean happy tripping not falling yeah unless that is how she died in which case gabe aldwyn's a good writer i think she'd have made more of it okay and she would be seen crossing the hall she'd be in the grounds playing with her little ghost doggy or walking the fields or on the path to the sea so the dog's a ghost as well now but the bird doesn't come back as a ghost no the dog okay it's more than a ghost see remember the story that the bigger boys told us oh yeah yeah i remember

the big boy story there's a stuffed dog at this hotel the big boy story and if you turn it around 360 degrees yeah the little girl would appear and say where's my doggy oh by the way having heard this story i was like i'm definitely gonna turn that dog i'm gonna do it guys i'm gonna turn that dog around i'm gonna see this little girl and they were like oh wow this new kid's pretty cool. Desperate to prove myself. Yeah. I was going to rotate a dog in order to impress bigger boys.

Are there any rules about, does it have to be clockwise, counterclockwise, any rules? I don't think that was specified. Okay. But when we turned up to the hotel, there was a dog there. There was a stuffed dog. It was unfortunately behind glass and on a shelf above some stairs, so we couldn't really get to it. We have a picture that I didn't know what it was, so I've just labelled it Awful Dog.

There we go. I think you'll agree that that dog doesn't look happy. Now, in 1927, the last in the family line died, and the house was sold to American, who had the contents auctioned off then a few years later sheila came to visit sheila the little girl who used to play there as a kid and see the ghost girl she came to visit the american lady she's taking tea with the american lady on the uh patio probably and the american comes right out and says, is this place haunted? Sheila says, yep. American says, don't tell me anymore.

I've got some questions. I'll tell you what happened. The servants keep leaving. Sure, they could always be replaced. But when her butler said he was going after 20 years service, she just had to find out why. And the butler said, well, madam, I'm going to do a butler voice now. Oh, great.

Apologies to any butlers watching. I'm going to do a butler voice now. Oh, great. Apologies to any butlers watching. I'm going to do a butler voice. Well, madam, we can't start the noises at night. We hear a child running along the corridors, sobbing and calling for her dog. It's heartrending. We clearly hear the words, my dog, my dog. What have you done with my dog? my dog my dog what have you done with my dog and apparently staff would come out their doors to see they'd hear this noise and they'd hear footsteps running past them but there'd be

nothing there that's very creepy and that was an excellent butler voice there's a lot of butler love happening in the chat a lot of praise for the butler voice there please don't ask me to do my alfred hitchcock voice right so where are we okay so the butler's there. Please don't ask me to do my Alfred Hitchcock voice. Right, so where are we? Okay, so the butler's leaving. Don't you hate it when that happens? Don't you hate it when a butler leaves because there's the sound of a ghost girl sobbing in your corridors.

So they realise it's the dog. It's the stuffed dog was sold when they sold off the contents of the house. Oh! As Gabe Baldwin says, the new owner, with typical American vigour... Murdered a dog. ...started an island-wide search.

Killed and stuffed a dog that day. No. No. They traced the stuffed dog to an antique shop in Newport and bought it for a pound. Was this the past when that was loads of money? Or is this nearer now, when that was a small amount of money to pay for a stuffed dog i think that was pretty cheap for any dog stuffed or not would a stuffed

dog cost more than a not stuffed dog um over the course of its lifetime no because you're not feeding it so the overall costs would be lower i think i think the initial outlay might be higher but you'll recoup it in time all right okay So it's a bit like a heat pump for a house. Yeah. Yes, it is. I'm not saying for one second that we should all replace our boilers with stuffed dogs, but you can cuddle it. So you think that's the end of the story?

Do you? Yeah. I assume that's the end of the story. I'm ready to sign off now. No, no, no, no, no. What? What? So it's now become a family-run hotel.

They have school trips go there. But one foolish former member of staff scoffed at the tales of the ghost and the hauntings. And apparently, he laughed when he heard the story of the blue lady and her dog. Oh, how amusing. Don't take that seriously. I think this is just my impression of that character. He wasn't a butler. Was I doing a butler voice?

That was a clear butler voice. I'm sorry. I apologise. He took the stuffed dog and played tricks on other members of staff with it. Popped it in their beds. They won't like that. And this is direct quote. But he won't touch the dog now.

He won't go anywhere near it. Not since the day it walked across his bedroom floor right in front of him. Oh. Oh. Oh. I'm imagining it moving like a Jan Svankmajer animation, like jerky stop motion, like not bending the knees, just like.

So he was pressing a jacket for a wedding reception at the hotel and he heard the sound of a dog's paws on the carpet. And there, walking across the floor towards him, was the ghost of a little Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. And the room went icy cold and the ghost dog passed him without a second glance and vanished. Ooh! Ooh!

Blanked! Iceberg! Blanked by the dog! Not a second look. Oh, that, blanked. Ice burn. Blanked by the dog. Not a second, look. Oh, that is cold. That was two types of cold from that dog. Wow. Ghosted him, literally ghosted him.

He says, I'm convinced the dog was exacting some sort of revenge, punishing me for what I had done and for laughing at its story. I know better than that now, and there's no way I will ever touch him again. He was scared straight. He's really learned his lesson there, yeah. And little Jimmy Shakes never got to rotate that dog, because it was just too high above those stairs, but we saw that dog. But you've seen the very dog.

I've seen that very dog, yes. But you haven't rotated it. I'm yet to rotate it, and that is why i did not impress the bigger boys but maybe you did learn something about yourself yeah maybe i did maybe you the real friends were the people who liked you even though you couldn't rotate at all maybe my real friend was the little girl in the blue dress who befriended me on that holiday because i had no other friends oh i got genuine there, even though I know you were just making that up. That's a great story.

Let's score it. Okay. What is your first category? Names. Now, I snuck in Black Gang Chine again. That was cheeky, but acceptable because it's local. It annoyingly featured a holy man who was unnamed. We don't know what his name was, but we do know what he was here to say.

The Isle of Wight is a good name because it's mysterious and spooky. That's good. Do we have a name for the little girl, the spooky girl or the dog? No, Sheila was the name of the person. Sheila. Visited. That's okay. The Priory at Nettlestone.

Nettlestone, I like a lot. Nettlestone sounds good. Are you telling me that this dog hasn't got a name? No. This awful dog. I think it's probably called something like Poopy. Stinks. Stinks.

Poopy Stinks. Awful. Awful dog. Spencer Edwards was the name of the family that owned the thing until the last of them died in 27. Ruffles and Mr. Barky are other suggestions for the dog's name. Scared Topless, the greatest name I've ever heard for anything. Yes, yes, come on. That's worth several points in itself.

Thank you for reminding me of that, the chat. Yes, Scared Topless and the owner of the Priory Hotel was called Ken Battle. Ken Battle. Which, that sounds like a made-up name. Ken Battle is so much more aggressive than Kenneth Battle. Yeah. Ken Battle and his adversary, Ben Kettle. Two sides of the same coin.

They're like Batman and the Joker. We could have been friends, you and I, Battle. Tea. On the boiling point. Speaking of very good wordplay, in the the youtube chat we've got uh isn't poo-poo stinks the cousin of jar jar binks similar similar two sides of the same coin well for the name of that dog poo-poo stinks and um scared topless i think it's four out of five yes category the second supernatural supernatural. Oh.

Well, to begin with, Jones, I was a sceptic. I scoffed at that dog, didn't I? You did. I scoffed at it. You called it an ugly doggy. Yes. I said, I nicknamed it poo-poo stink. I said it looked horrible and that it smelled.

And then I heard a tale of it carrying out the most devilish vengeance against a member of staff, against a co-worker, really. Is the dog an employee? A fellow hotel employee. So if you have a pet dog, is that basically... I consider that an employee, yeah. I suppose if you're getting it

to fetch stuff for you. Yeah, exactly. Especially if it's stuff you don't even want. Like, I don't even want this stick, but bring it to me. But also maybe the pipe and slippers. No, you wouldn't get a dog to fetch the pipe, would you?

That'd be disgusting. Yeah, especially because the slippers are in its mouth. So where's the... Where's it put the pipe? Poopoo stinks. Give me that pipe. You want a little bit of the old hand sanitizer gel on that before you use it.

That's why that was invented. It features a little bit of the old hand sanitizer gel on that before you use it. That's why that was invented. It features a little ghost girl going, where's my doggie? Where's my doggie? That's my impression of a little ghost girl. A very good one. That's five. Obviously five. Third one, staff.

Staff. Okay, well, we have a butler. We're terrific. We've got butlers. Sort of alfred hitchcock voice hello somewhere between alfred hitchcock and that peter serif inowitz character yes brian butterfield sir i brought your slippers don't ask where the pipe is does it do you remember the actual advert that that character was based on uh the brian butterfield character because that was that was a real advert that that character was based on? The Brian Butterfield character? Because that was a real advert that was on TV.

And then like 10 years later, Peter Cernan and Rufinovitz did a character. And everyone who remembered that advert was like, what? That's that guy from that advert. I think I do. I feel like you don't need to know that it was a real guy. But the fact that that was a real, genuine advert with that guy. The chat remembers. Sorry, I've got distracted.

We've got butlers. We've got servants leaving left, right and centre. Fleeing. We've got a butler. We've got a butler. We've got that cheeky waitstaff. We've got the scoffer. That's messing around with the dog.

Yeah. And presumably a member of staff had accompanied you on the school trip. Yes. And if the dog, if we're counting dogs as butlers. I am. Little hairy butlers. little hairy butlers little hairy butlers i i don't see how that can't be a five well it's a three what i don't think that they were i don't think they were involved in the story enough the holy guy at the start if he'd

had a staff that he'd been holding get out you shall not grill babies the famous line from Lord of the Rings. I like the flowers, but this is a bit much. If the giant had an assistant, like a PA. Okay. So your 12 o'clock baby is here, sir. Yeah. Something like that. Okay.

So it's a three for staff. And part of that is it's a three rather than a four because you pronounce it staff. Staff. Staff. Most people who have it, that's how they say it. Most people who are it pronounce it staff. What's the master want? 50 babies.

We ain't be having that many babies. I already given birth to 419 babies this morning. I haven't got time to be getting pregnant again. It's my impression of a maid from the olden days. Very good. Who's just too busy to get pregnant again. That day. This is your film pitch. This is like the trailer.

She was too busy to get pregnant again. Look, having originally derided that maid character i now i'm very impressed that a single mother of 12 or 13 children is um sort of making her own way in the world yeah good for her she's got a film about her yeah her own film she's like erin brockovich it's produced by old mill oh but it's not one of them ones. The mop cap was all she wore. So it's a three out of five for staff. Staff. Okay, then.

Final category. I was going to call it good boy, but thanks to the chat, I'm calling it Rover's Return. So nice. That was lovely. For Americans, that's the name of the pub in the soap opera Coronation Street. Yes. For Americans, a pub is a place.

What is a pub? It's like a bar, but children are allowed there. Yeah, with games in. Yeah, it's like a pub bar meets It's a Knockout. And It's a Knockout is like a game show, but with quite low production values. With a lot of injuries. And for some reason, the royals were on it. Were they?

Yeah, the famous It's a Knockout with the royal family in it. Oh, but then the rules of It's a Knockout are also the rules of royal succession. So that's probably where that comes from. Wait a minute. Yeah, the famous saying, the king is wearing an inflated suit and has fallen into a stream. Long live the king. It's a famous saying. A giant inflatable horse.

My kingdom for a giant inflatable horse. Okay. Okay. Rover's returned. What do we score? What has it got to be? It returned so many times in so many formats. Yes, it both turned and returned.

Oh my God. I didn't even realise that level of excellence. And it came back from the dead. Yep. The ultimate return. And it came back for revenge. It came back for revenge. It came back as a stuffed item.

Yeah, that's another return. So this has got to be like 20 points? Yeah, I think we're looking at easily double figures. It's a full fat five out of five. Yes, a poor full. It's a rich, bloated five out of five. It's fresh, but it's almost too fresh. It's too fresh.

It's like the freshest giant's baby meat. No. No, I don't enjoy that phrase either. Well, on that note, I mean, mean i can't we can't end it on the phrase freshest giants baby meat say something say something lighten it up yeah we need to light this up a little bit um so there was a girl called isla uh and a boy oh bum we'll just take a light-hearted bit from earlier in the podcast and we'll just edit it in here and that'll be fine. Ah, yeah, I think so.

Yeah, so that is the story then. That's a great story. That's a lovely story, isn't it? It's quite sweet, actually, yeah. And I like the way the dog wins. It's rare that a story ends with a dog getting revenge. Yeah, yeah, that's true, yeah. And it's rare that that revenge is a sort of moral victory.

Yeah, normally. Rather than that brutal murder. Chewing, yeah, it involves chewing. To just be snubbed by a dog. Very impressive. You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. With some comments from the law folk in the chat.

Yes, thanks, law folk in the chat. Is there anything you want to plug, James? Oh, yeah. I've been doing some RPG stuff recently online. And I appeared on a genuinely quite spooky podcast called Peer Beyond the Veil with with mark l watson check it out or as spanish people call him mark the watson and i felt very out of my depth telling a story about how me and another boy ran away from what was probably a badger fun fact when you get to the end the end of the actual episode is you saying

let's find something more light-hearted from earlier and put it in here and i actually did that oh that thing you say at the end you didn't say at the end wow the power of edit on the actual real live stream i told a very scary story also from the Isle of Wight, as a sort of a little nightcap. A little fly in the ointment. A little terrifying nightcap. A little thorn on the rose. Yes, a little dog muck in the burger.

You can also check that out on YouTube if you want to unsettle yourself. Unsettle yourself. Is that the sound of a dog rotating? Yeah. I'm trying to do a dog, but also Doppler effect. Doppler dog. Did you say dog-plur effect? I should have. Let's re-edit that in.

Dog-plur. effect. I should have. Let's re-edit that in. Dog plough.