Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep86: Loremen S3 Ep86 - Smoo Cave, Scotland

Episode Date: November 11, 2021

Join us in the the atmospheric Smoo Cave, hidden in the furthest reaches of the Scottish Highlands. Alasdair Beckett-King sits wee Jamie Shakeshaft down on a suspicious wooden cask and treats him to a quartet of tales. Play the episode to learn about a sea cave that has played host to ghosts, devils, witches and stalags both mite and tite. Or you can take Alasdair's dad's advice and look it up on Wikipedia. All that, plus a big apology to Americans. Or at least one American. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And we Jamesy... Oi. Draw close to the fire for I have a Scottish tale for you. Ooh. From Smoo Cave. Smoo Cave.

Smoo Cave. But first, come on now. You and I have, uh, we've had an email, we've got a little apology to make. Oh dear. Oh dear indeed. James, I have a Scottish tale for you today. But first, I'm going to open the lawmen mailbag. Are we ripping the needle off the record that early on? Yes.

I suppose you're wondering how I ended up in this situation. There's hardly any record to scratch. It'd just be that. I'm going to hit the ground running here. We've had a letter. Oh, yeah. From a disgruntled American. Oh, yeah. I do know about this. I. From a disgruntled American. Oh yeah.

I do know about this. I've seen this disgruntled American. Yeah, you don't have to keep acting surprised. Basically, we've upset Americans due to our consistent and belligerent anti-Americanism. What? I know. How are we? I can't tell how serious the letter is. They may be being ironic. On the other hand, they are American american so it's very difficult to know i don't believe they they understand sarcasm are they like dogs where they get the tone of voice but they don't know the words should we keep that in for this section where we address complaints from americans stop it james stop it i'm trying i think it's specifically united statesians americans yes we're not talking about south Yes, we're not talking about South America.

We're not talking about Canadians. No, we're not all North. We're not all South. So I'm going to read this in an English accent so as to be respectful. Dear lawmen of London, which makes us sound like an underwriters, since episode one, I've tolerated your strange accents and even stranger nomenclatures for virtually everything on the planet Earth and beyond. That's fair enough. I'm currently tolerating episode 84 and i am begging you to please stop split

infinitive but let's let it pass to please stop making the following references because americans have feelings too ridiculing americans hating america commenting on american politics which don't affect you and believing everything in the news about America. Okay. The reason I don't know if this is serious is the writer goes on to say, I am aware that you guys are brilliant and famous people, which I think is cold. Yeah, I think that's sarcasm.

Yeah. It's like that bit in Jurassic Park where the raptors learn to open the doors. I think this American has learned sarcasm. And now is more dangerous than you could possibly have imagined. Yeah. I feel like this letter is chasing me through a kitchen. Well, I'm going to try and pretend to be my own reflection. And hope that the American runs into a reflective door.

Yes. Despite your celebrity status, the writer continues, I'm hoping you accidentally print this email and throw it in the trash so a passerby may read it. I don't know. We don't call it trash, for one thing. It's rubbish. I don't know. We don't call it trash, for one thing. It's rubbish. It's called rubbish. I've skipped over the bit where they pointed out the low number of reviewers for the podcast.

Oh! This is a very pass-ag email. But I think it might have a point. Maybe we have done a few American accents. I mean, obviously, we've done some absolutely bang-on American accents that nobody could argue with. But maybe a few of them have been a little bit stereotypical. I don't think I did any of them. I mean, I can think of specific examples. What about when you were a 1920s gangster, James?

Was that an authentic accent? From the 1920s land of gangster. I thought it was an homage to Americans. And for American listeners listeners that's kind of like a tribute yeah i thought i was committing a tribute to uh americans not um a hate crime well it came out hate crimey oh we can only apologize can i just say that i've read this email in between us editing the last episode the blue girl of nettleston Priory and it being released where I say with typical American efficiency

or something like that and you say they shot a dog. And I thought we're going to lose this listener before they get... Did we cut that out? No, I think we kept it in

because it was quite a funny joke. Still, that was before we had responded to the... So that doesn't count. But I think we're going to do it again. So now, with no references to America, I have a story for you about a really bad guy called Donald. So we should be safe there.

I have four tales for you from Smoo Cave. What? Yep. Smoo Cave from Smoo Cave. What? Yep. Smoo Cave. Smoo Cave. S to the M to the O-O. Smoo Cave. Right.

It's near Cape Wrath. Cape Wrath. Like anger. Like one of the deadly sins. W-R-A-T-H. Full on Wrath. Cape Wrath. This is the most northwesterly point in scotland and smoo cave

is uh near a village called derness smoo cave really does sound like the opposite of wrath doesn't it yeah if you're tired of the wrath have a little rest in smoo cave have a little smoo although if you were lured into smoo cave because of its relaxing, smurfy kind of name, you might be making a big mistake. Oh, no. It's really, really big. It's a massive three-chambered sea cave. And it's remarkably well lit because one of the chambers has holes in the ceiling.

What? And a burn called the Alt Smoo pours in, creating a waterfall. The Alt SmSmoo? Yes. Nowadays, things with Alt at the start are invariably bad. So basically, there's a hole in the ceiling and the river, burn, stream, whatever you want, pours in, creating a waterfall. The intensity of which changes based on rainfall. Of course.

Archaeological remains show the cave was discovered by people. I don't know why in my notes I've written by people. What else would have discovered it? I guess we're future-proofing it for when, you know, like dolphins and whatnot become... Or it could have been discovered by other caves. It sounds like it was discovered by the river and gravity. It was discovered by people 6,000 years ago. So people have been there.

There's remains that are 6,000 years old. So this place has been around for a while. And the name is thought to come from one of two different Norse words, which I'm going to mispronounce. Sumvia, which supposedly means creek or cleft, or smug, meaning a hole or hiding place. And a hiding place for a hole famed scottish writer sir walter scott visited it and in his diary he described the effect of 10 000 birthday candles

the cave was covered with stalactites and stalagmites a water kelpie or an evil spirit of aquatic propensities could not have chosen a fitter abode, the unexpected splashing of a seal would have routed the whole dozen of us. Impossible for description to explain the impression made by so strange a place. And I have a postcard next to me showing the mossy green of the cave, which glistens because it's got that skylight. And the reason I have a postcard is my parents visited. Oh, of course, of course. So I phoned my my dad hoping to get a sir walter scott-esque description of it that was as as vivid and poetical as that and he said yeah oh if i were you i'd just put smooth cave into wikipedia because all the information will be there oh that's what he said

just google it basically google it yeah also my dad thinks i don't know about wikipedia he thinks i wouldn't have thought of that maybe he edits the page if he checks the edit history because you know on wikipedia you can edit the page yeah i know stop everyone stop assuming i don't know what wikipedia is yes it's like an encyclopedia but it's wicked what does the wiki part of wikipedia mean what does wiki mean i don't know because it's its own noun now or verb, isn't it? Yeah, there's lots of wikis. The Star Wars one is called Wikipedia. Obviously, that's great. And I suppose if your friend of mine, friend of the show, Canon Chills, were to do one, he'd make it a quick-y-pedia. Google it

with a flourish. So I've got four little stories, four tiny little storylets that belong to Smoo Cave. The first is the shortest. And I basically, all of these stories are very, very hard to research. The same text appears without attribution going around in a circle. It's very hard to work out where the stories come from. And it's all your dad. And it's all my dad. So if anyone has any references for these, I'd be interested to know. The first story is about the guns.

The Klan gun. Oh, I thought this interested to know. The first story is about the guns. The Klan gun. Oh, I thought this was another American thing. In 1720, I'm going to say circa, based on the fact that I have no evidence for this. Circa 1720, the Klan gun invaded, surprising the residents of Durness. It would be surprising to get invaded. It would be surprising.

They hadn't got any warning that they were going to be invaded, so they weren't ready. What's going on? We're invading you. Oh! Gasp! That's a surprise. I didn't expect that when I woke up this morning.

I don't know why they're scouse. I won't. Why are they scouse? I tell you what, I was going to save this for later, but since you bring up scouses, John Lennon performed in Smooke. Did he? Yes, pre-Beatles. Pre-Tools?

Pre-Caven Club. When he was performing as the Quarrymen, he performed a gig in the cave, presumably just due to a misunderstanding. Or was that their niche? So they were the Quarrymen and they exclusively played in rock formations. Have they just misunderstood what rock music is even? So they played rock music. They were called the Quarrymen.

They played in a cave and then they got their big break in a cavern. You've blown this thing wide open. Whoa. And then John presumably thought, what if we didn't do any of this stuff and became famous? Really dispensing with the onerous conditions under which I've agreed to perform. I'm going to get rid of all but one pun from this band.

I'm still going to cling on to that one pun. The Beatles is a pun. The Beatles are so famous that the pun vanishes. In the glare of the Beatles fame, you forget that the name is a really weird, cheesy pun. They've just named themselves some insects. So it's one of them annoying puns that doesn't have a double meaning it just has one meaning a pun that only works one way yep it's not a joke nope uh and if you don't know what those are just listen to me i'm sure i'll do a couple before the end of the episode the quarry men were that would work as a pun if they both worked in a quarry and were hunted by an apex predator that would that would be a two-way pun.

Well, maybe that was, they were trying to, they called themselves the Quarrymen because it was a rock pun. Oh, yeah, yeah. Did they dress up as insects when they first started? Was that? The Beatles. And when the lights came on, they just scuttled off. What a gimmick.

I can only imagine what an American music producer would have said in that situation. They probably would have held a cigar and made a series of stereotypical remarks. Still, moving on. Hey, not just an American. So the people of Dernesse retreated to Smough Cave, concealing themselves in the rock's many hidden crevices, nooks. James, I'm talking crannies. We're totally in cranny town.

Yes, we are. The hidden places that only a local would know. Clan guns men snuggled in like, you know, full of their thuggery and thirst for blood, ambushed from the dark corners. The people of Dunest ambushed and killed every last one of them. Oh, wow. So that's the story of clan guns.

Very short, no reference. It's not the only time a murder has been committed in Smoo Cave. In the Smoo? Oh my, no. This is not as relaxing a cave as you think. My next story is The Highwayman, the 16th century murderer named McMurdo. What?

I had a feeling I wouldn't get that past you. A murderer called McMurdo, what's wrong with that? What? I had a feeling I wouldn't get that past you. A murderer called McMurdo. What's wrong with that? Well, as ever, I don't want to bang the drum for nominative determinism, but what? If you didn't want to bang it, you shouldn't have bought that nominative determinism drum, James.

So McMurdo. A 16th century murderer named McMurdo. Nothing could be simpler than that. What was their first name? Donald. Donald. Donald. Donnie McMurdo. Donnie McMurdo.

Donnie McMurdo. So it's like his parents warning him to break the family tradition. Like, don't murder. Donnie McMurdo. Do you think Scottish people pronounce murder McMurdo? Yes. That is way more offensive than anything we've said about Americans. Donnie McMurdo. He was a highwayman and local thug who killed 18 people

by throwing them into the blowhole of the cave. Oh. Yeah, what a method. Oh. It's not clear to me whether he killed them and just dumped the bodies in there or whether that's how he killed them. Because it's not a very populated area. And he had to walk the whole way there with you,

knowing that you're about to be dropped headfirst into a blowhole. Yeah, the suspense. You'd be like, I know what you're doing, McMurdo. I know what you're about to be dropped head first into a blowhole. Yeah the suspense. You'd be like I know what you're doing McMurdo. I know what you're doing. Donnie.

Donnie drop me in the hole. Listen to your parents would you. Donnie McMurdo. Donnie McMurdo me. And he'd be like you're taking a

Mickey out of my name. You're taking a Mickey out of my name. He was also a scouser. Are you taking the

Mickey out of my name? He's taking the Mickey out of my name. Out of the way John and, another body's coming in. Watch out, the band that will become the Beatles. My source here is Ronald Lansley's 1998 pamphlet,

Dernesse, Past and Present. Dernesse, Past and Present is described as a random collection of information and stories about the most north-westerly village on the British mainland. If you like word art. Yeah. It's got some. There's pamphlet.

So imagine I'm talking in word art. Nice. Is there anything that's just written straight downwards? No, but there are some outlines. Sadly, no shadows. Sorry, if people don't know what word art is this is quite it's kind of an old concept now i guess what would you what is it like emojis for nana it's like clip art for the alphabet even clip art is out of date yeah and what's clip arts it's like if a minions meme

but you would use it in a gcse geography report yeah In a way that you wouldn't use a Minions meme. Do you think people use memes in their homework nowadays? I would hope not, but probably. See, that's the thing about modern, you know, the ongoing march of technology and stuff like that. Like, it's good that people are allowed to take calculators into exams now. I agree. But bad if they try to answer all their questions in the format of a meme.

Yeah. It swings in roundabouts, doesn't it? Yeah. And if you don't know what swings in roundabouts are, they're basically Bubble Witch and Fruit Ninja for your nan. The local story section of this pamphlet has some great titles. Ghosts, exclamation mark. Good. Fire alarm, question mark. Fire alarm question mark fire alarm ghosts fire

alarms and the uh the very well i'm just going to say the name of it found dead ellipses that's it someone was found dead there in the 90s it does have a local story about donald mcmurdo also known as Dovnul McMurdy, as well as Donald McLeod and McMurky. Oh, and also Ian Vore. Ian Vore. I don't know. He was trying to cover up his identity, but he'd sort of just made a noise at the end, didn't he? I mean, it's spelled M-H-O-R, so I'm really guessing a lot here.

So a little story about him. He was a bad old guy. The murderer McMurdo was a baddie. According to Durness Past and Present, he was credited with no less than 18 murders and he had two sons, two large adult sons, men of giant physique and both with hearts as black as his own. Now, they

may have been called Eric and Donald Jr. We don't know. They could have been called anything. We don't know. Towards the end of his life, after all of those murders, a local minister named Alexander Munro, accompanied by an armed guard from Tung, a nearby village. Tung? There's a place called Tung in Scotland. Yep. All right.

Took it upon himself to try to encourage him to, you know, come towards the church, come towards confession. He was deeply, deeply offended, but he wasn't able to actually attack Monroe himself because there was a guard present. And so he said to his sons, you two are going to go out there and you're going to bring me back the heart of that minister. So off they went. Now they were not quite as tough as their dad. And so as they reached the prize they were challenged by the armed escort of monroe and the irony they didn't have the heart for a fight so they killed a sheep and they cut out the sheep's heart and they brought it back to their dad and saying look we we cut out that minister's heart and the old villain is said to

have viewed the heart for some time and said he he always knew that Munro's were cowards, but never until then knew they had hearts of sheep. That's according to Ronald Lansley's 1998 pamphlet. And he is buried, McMurdo, in nearby Balnaquille Church. Buried? On church lands, I hear you say? How did he manage that? How did he manage that? I'll tell you how he managed that. I'm rubbing my fingers together to indicate money. Oh.

Yeah. According to that self-saved pamphlet, he paid Wisdene Dove Mackay, the second Lord of Ray, who was rebuilding a church there in 1619, £1,000. And in modern money, that is the cost of a one-bedroom flat in London. So that's a lot of money now. It's like £270,000, I mean. Oh, right. In modern money, not that you can buy a flat for £1,000.

I got confused there, sorry. Because of inflation, James. Right, right, right. It's a lot of money now. Right. I thought you were giving people a context. £1,000 nowadays will buy you. Right. of context a thousand pounds nowadays could well buy you right and there is still today a specially

built alcove to donald mcmurco and the engraving says a slightly updated for modern english donald mcmurco here lies law was ill to his friend and worse to his foe true to his master and prosperity and woe and there's a strange sort of emblem, a carved hand, a ship, a deer's head and a fish. Odd heraldic devices and a skull and crossbones

because it's a Scottish gravestone. You'd think that would be sort of taken as writ. Unless Scottish graveyards are full of pirates, I don't understand the proliferation of skull and crossbones there.

Yeah. It's so goth. So that was the story of the highwayman. Now the story of the devil. Oh. And I must reintroduce friend of the podcast, the Wizard of Ray,

aka Donald McKay. I'm not intentionally rhyming. It's just happening. Okay. Who you might remember from the Witches of Caithness episode where we heard the story of Donald McKay's time in the black school of Padua where he was taught the devil's secrets.

I'll do a quick recap. Basically, the tuition fees there were, he takes the soul of one of the students, whoever leaves the room last. And he came up to McKay, who was leaving last, and he was about to take his soul. And McKay said, They'll take the hindmost. Devil take the hindmost.

And pointed at his shadow, and the devil took his shadow. Oh. And he returned to Scotland without a shadow shadowless which isn't unusual because it's not that something in Scotland yes hard to tell

we said it in the last one I still think that's bad teaching skills yeah you'd say I'll take the first one of you to go because then everyone stays

and wants to learn more yeah do you think the devil was like a cool history teacher think he'd pull a chair up and like pop one of his cloven hoofs up on the desk? I daren't riff on this. I'm confident we will have said the exact same thing in the Witches of Caithness episode.

I would definitely have said something like the bell is a signal for me and not you. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. So my source here is Westwood and Kingshill's Law of Scotland. Nice. While exploring Smoo Cave with his dog, Lord Ray encountered the devil himself. His old teacher. But he had a little bit of a tip-off. What happened was his dog ran ahead into one of the other chambers

and came back howling and hairless. Uh-oh. Bald. Oh. And we all know what a bald dog presages. Uh. Disaster. Mm. It was the devil plus three bald dog presages. Uh. Disaster.

Mm. It was the devil plus three witches. Classic formation. Ah, yes. But McKay had had a little bit of warning, and so he was just able to fight the devil off until the cock crowed, whereupon the devil escaped by blasting out through the roof, creating those very holes through which the burn now runs.

Oh. There were three holes. Presumably one of the witches went out of the same hole as another witch. Yeah, efficient, I suppose. Seems reasonable. There's another version of that story from the Reader's Digest's book of folklore, myths, and legends of Great Britain. Folklore, myths, and legends of Britain. Yeah, I can't remember the name of it, sorry.

Friend of the show. In that story, Ray was creeping around and found a small casket. Yeah. Wondering what was inside. Was it a bald dog? He poked a little hole in it, just a tiny little two-inch hole. And what happened was a tiny little two-inch man climbed out. Only to grow enormously in size and become a giant. Ah.

Also, obviously, the devil himself. Oh. And there's different versions of this, but the devil said one of his brilliant catchphrases either well what do you think of this or well now donald what are you going to do now as melania said is this another donald this is a different this isn't donald though this is another person called donald this is donald mckay this is a separate donald everyone in this story is called don. So just accept that now. Almost everyone is called Donald. One of the reasons it's very difficult to search this,

there are four Lord Rays who are called Donald. Oh. And none of them are the one who was a wizard, because they're all real people. You need to look up Lord Donald Ray, and then whatever the letters are to say that you graduated from devil school. B-D-S. B-D-Sds that's being a dentist isn't it be a dentist being a dentist that's what that stands for yeah bachelor of devil school so luckily ray

was quite quick-witted and he said well i'm quite impressed with you growing to massive size but i'd be even more impressed if you could shrink back down really small again i don't think you could do that and the devil was like yes easily and he shrank himself tiny tiny tiny back until he was smaller than he was originally and he popped him back inside the casket and put a cork in it oh did the devil not go ah ray i remember you from school it's odd when you bump into a teacher in the real world isn't it it is a little bit awkward yeah if you're in the supermarket yeah yeah they're wearing normal clothes and not living in school final story the gougers this sounds fine i've made it sound a little bit more violent than it is gouger is a corruption of gauger or excisemen basically tax collectors duty collectors people who would uh

be combating smuggling checking what you've got in store checking what's inside your wooden chest you got the have you got a devil in there yeah but he's only little in the mid-18th century two geigers suspected that alcohol was being distilled in smoo cave so they hired a local boatman what do you think that local boatman's name was? Billy Boats. McBoto. Well, Donald. Yes.

Donald Seafarer. He was called Donald McKay as well. What? Not the same guy. It's just that literally, the reason these stories are so hard to Google is there's like nine guys who live there now called that. It's just the most common name. maybe the devil gave them eternal life maybe maybe it's the same guy but he's also just a working class scottish guy just doing boat trips and maybe

murdering on the side interesting you should say that uh-oh so this guy coincidentally named donald mckay was hired to row them into the cave because it's a sea cave essentially that you can't always go into it because the water rises and lowers and also there's water coming in the roof so when it's been raining the waterfall is in full flow and it's dangerous so there's two ways into this cave one boat two being thrown in by yes mcmurdo yeah exactly you can walk in at times but it's one of those scottish tourist attractions that you can't see if it's raining. Oh, oh dear. So he rode them into the cave, but it's obvious that his sympathies were with the people who were distilling alcohol there. In some versions of it, he is described as being the smuggler,

in which case it was a big mistake to hire him to specifically catch himself. It may just be that he was loyal to friends, who knows? He noticed that the gouges were nervous in the boat and realised that neither of them could actually swim and so he steered his boat towards the waterfall capsizing it drowning both of the excisemen oh and legend says that the ghost of an exciseman can still be seen in the spray oh he's blimmin he's donkey shakeshaft him he has he's donkey shakeshafted those coppers. What he needed to do was move to a different town and change his name. But what he did do was stay in the same town,

but changed everyone else's name so it was the same as his. That's very clever. Yeah, it's the Spartacus situation. Yes. So I was going to end with a big surprise about John Lennon having done a gig there, but I've blown it. Blimmin' blown it. But those are four tales of murder and mystery

from Smoo Cave. That's amazing. Those are very exciting stories. And just look it up on Wikipedia, is the alternative version of that. Let's not get your dad to write the show notes for this. I'm ready to score, if you are. My first category, names.

Oh. There's a murderer called McMurdo. There is a McMurdo. Everyone else has got the same name. Yeah, but isn't it almost creepy that they have the same name? It's confusing. If you were to look this up on Wikipedia, you would be taken to many disambiguation pages.

We've got a village called Tongue. We've got a cape called Wrath. And Smoo. Smoo. I do like Lord Ray. Are you saying it like lads, lads, lads? Yeah, it's like a blooming

blooming bunch of lads because there would be if you asked for Donald McKay to turn up. And the clan Gunn, they were a blooming bunch of lads. And also like Gunn is quite a tough name for a clan.

It is. Also, this all happens in a place called sutherland which is confusingly the most northerly part of scotland sutherland yes it was like it was named by people from north of it which it was because there were vikings we've also got the blown this case wide open of the Beatles punning names. Yeah. Yes, the Beatles names. Come on. There's absolutely sacks of names. Yeah.

There's three chambers full of names. I'm going to give you. Glittering with names. I'm going to give you a four because it is a bit annoying that all the people have got the same name. All right. Next category. Supernatural. The devil themselves. Devil himself.

Turns up a couple of times. Grows, shrinks, three witches. They're just there. Yeah. Just devil themselves. Devil themselves. Turns up a couple of times. Grows strings, three witches. They're just there. Yeah. Just being supportive. The bit where the townsfolk emerge from the rocks would have been quite seemingly supernatural for the whole gun gang. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would have been spooky.

The gun gang would have hated that. Nowadays, you'd need a better name than gun gang, wouldn't you? I would. But I was disappointed that they didn't become ghosts in the cave or something yeah well i'm sorry about that there's very little i can do one of the gougers did and now he appears in the spray in the in the mist of the waterfall that is nice and spooky it's just above average amount of spookiness though so it's only gonna be a three i'm sure it'd be very scary to be in this cave it is didn. Didn't you hear what... Your dad said. Look it up on Wikipedia.

No, Sir Walter Scott. He said that it would be a fitting home for a water kelpie or evil squitted. Oh, excuse me? Evil squitted. I beg your pardon? I was trying to say spirit and aquatic at the same time. Ah, a squittic. An evil spirit of aquatic propensities.

Ooh. He said it just filled them with the heebie-jeebies he sounds there though like he's a um estate agent for ghosts and supernatural beings well it's got a it'd be great for a kelpie or if you wanted to be a werewolf this could be a great lair for you yeah and actually the devil has planning permission to knock through the ceiling but it's okay because it's only two inches high. So it's going to be tiny. It's going to be a tiny doorway.

If you're two inches high, it's very spacious. It is actually massive. It's massive even if you're human-sized. Even if. So you'd really have the run of the place if you were two inches tall. Next category, foul murder. There's some real nasty stuff going on. There's some bad lads.

There's some murders in the style of the sure deodorant from the 80s i don't remember anyone being murdered in an advert for deodorant well no no no they don't the the people that are being chased by the wolves and but they look like trees and then they lie on a tree and disappear oh yeah sorry i thought for a second this was a dream but no yeah i do remember that advert yeah, so that's why I imagine the villagers coming out like those kind of things. Yeah, shapeshifters. A bit like old matey in Hunger Games, the cake decorator chap, who paints his face to look like wood or something.

Not seen the Hunger Games, I'm guessing. Nope, nope, haven't seen that. Nope, nope. No, thank you. Like the bit in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, where there's a flap covered in leaves that comes down, camouflaging you into the ground. Yeah.

Although a horse could easily ride over that, is always what I'm thinking. Oh, yeah, very easily ride into that. And then you've got a dead bandit and a dead horse. What a mess. Yeah, you've got a sneaky murder, though, is what I'm saying. You've got that, okay, like the Predator in the film Predator. We've got 18 murders by...

Yeah. Two more murders 18 murders by... Yeah. Two more murders of an exciseman. Double drowning. And I can only imagine that the acoustics of the gig would have been murder. Nice. It's just a name. We just thought it was a good pun on rock. We didn't want to end up just solely playing in man-made physios.

The damp here is not actually conducive to our vocals. Ringo's not in the band yet. What is he talking about? But yes, it's a five out of five for foul murder. Yes. Final category, Donald's. Oh, Donnie. It's just a lot of Donald's.

It's a surfeit of Donald's. So how many have we got? We have Donald McKay, The Wizard of Ray. We have Donald McKay, Ordinary of Ray. We have Donald McKay, Ordinary Boatman, not affiliated. We have Donald McMurdo. Donny McMurdo. The whole region is called Sutherland, to give it its full name,

Donald Sutherland. That's Donald Sutherland from the films. Kiefer's dad. From the films, yep. So that's another Donald. So we're on four there. And if I refer you to the Witches of Caithness episode in which I list alternative names for the devil, one of them is Donald Do.

More like Donald Don't. So the devil himself is yet another Donald. It's wall-to-wall Donalds. There's too many Donalds. Oh, yeah. Five out of five for Donald. Of course. You can't not.

Oh, well, thank you very much. Very Donald-heavy episode. And I think we did pretty well to not make fun of America or Americans at any point. I might have let one slip in with the gun thing. Oh, yeah, you did say that, didn't you? But they do like guns. They love the guns, don't they? It's literally their law that they're allowed to have them.

That's their thing. Yeah. It's like Scotland, but with oats. Yeah. It's like how oats are in Scotland. Yes. As Scotland is to scotland is to oats america is to guns you're more likely to kill someone in your household with oats

if you have porridge in the house yeah it's more likely to hurt you yeah than it is to protect you yes statistically yeah the right to bear oats you have been listening to lawmen with me alistair beckett king and me james shakeshaft if you enjoyed the podcast you can review us on itunes or wherever you get your podcast yes five stars please five ideally yeah and you can support the podcast at patreon.com forward slash more men pod yeah there's all sorts of extra bonus episodes and some videos and you get a little sticker and hey just because we make fun of americans doesn't mean it's okay for you to make fun of americans no unless it's really funny no don, don't. Come on. Come on. Come on. I'm concerned that by doing that apology to Americans, we're going to open the door to a lot of upset French people.

Oh, no. going to open the door to a lot of upset french people oh no um oh just i don't want to be yelled out by thousands of french people the overwhelming scent of garlic wafting towards us some spaniards are going to be annoyed maybe one or two spaniards uno dos yeah the devil themselves we have really laid into the satan yeah big time we really as well as i do feel bad about having to go at jesus christ serial killer all those times is that the original musical is that the original tim rice musical and the welsh actually the welsh actually um i think i've had a go at dogs the poo-poo stinks yeah yeah poo-poo stinks apologies to poo-poo stinks apologies to poo-poos that stink. Apologies to anyone who writes in with some constructive criticism.

Yeah, apologies to anybody who's engaged in good faith and then has been sarcastically read out on the pod. Yep, yep, yep. Apologies to them. Apologies to you. Are you apologising to me? Yeah, probably. Oh.

I think I've had a pop at you. Maybe you have. I'm saying that you're a bit bad at sports and... I didn't realise I was being mocked. Like at you. Maybe you have. Saying that you were bad at sports. I didn't realise I was being mocked. I thought I was in on the joke. Are you going to apologise for saying anything? I don't know. No, I don't think I've got anything else to apologise for.

No, my conscience is clear. All right, I apologise to you, James, if you were offended. I'm only being honest, to quote Jeremy Kyle. No apologies to Jeremy Kyle. No, God no. Or Derek Okora. No apologies. Yeah, the blanket apologies do not apply to enemy of the show, Derek Okora.

Okora, Kyle Edmonds. Apologies to the people that were in Blobby.