Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep87: Loremen S3 Ep87 - Marjolein Robertson - Shetland Tales

Episode Date: November 18, 2021

Alasdair and James return to the furthermost reaches of (what we jokingly call) the United Kingdom. It’s Shetland! This time we’ve found ourselves a local guide in the form of comedian, storyteller and improvisor – Marjolein Robertson. Learn why you should never mention a ‘beniman’ aboard a boat and why there’s no such thing as a free shirt. Somehow, the loreboys manage to run afoul of an ancient sea god, oil riggers and – their mortal enemy – the Federation Against Copyright Theft (FACT). Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And this episode follows neatly on from our Sea Beasts of Shetland episode. Oh yes, Series 3, episode 48. Yes, it was. But this one is significantly improved, in my opinion, thanks to the presence of an actual Shetlander.

Yep. Shetlandish person. Should have checked what the actual word was. It's Mary-Elaine Robertson with a proper Shetland accent, like what we can't do. And all the Shetland words. And so many Shetland words. This episode is...

Oh, it's rich. Oh, it's like a cake that you wouldn't have a second slice of at your gran's. It's delicious, gran, but oh, it's rich. Hello, James.

Hi, Alistair. How are you? I'm fine. Thank you for... Thank you? Thank you for asking, actually. Yeah, actually. Thanks for replying, how are you? I'm fine, thank you for asking actually. Yeah, actually, thanks for replying. How are the listeners? We never hear how they are at this point. Oh, we've heard a bit more from them than normal recently. In the last episode we apologised to

Americans for making fun of America and since then we've had many messages from Americans who demand that we make fun of America even more than we normally do. What do they want from us? What do you want America to be mocked? A moderate amount or a large amount? Also saying that we apologised to Americans last episode is perhaps a little strong. Yeah, we were quite sarcastic, I think. I compared them to dogs and velociraptors. The only other place that we've done the accents of that badly is Shetland.

Yes, unfortunately those chickens aren't going to come home to roost any time soon. And velociraptors. The only other place that we've done the accents of that badly is Shetland. Yes. Unfortunately, those chickens aren't going to come home to roost anytime soon. Well, you say that, James, but I have a chicken for you with a homebound ticket to the roost. The chicken in question is a deputy law person guest. It's Maria Lane Robertson, who is from Shetland. What? Yeah. Hello, Maria-Laine.

Hi, hi. How are you guys? Or should I say, who do you do? Which is Shetland dialect, as far as I know, for how are you doing? How do you do?

How do you do? Do you care what it actually is? What is it actually? Foo's do. Foo's do. Foo's do. And what's the answer to foo's do? Our you keen what it actually is? What is it actually? Foo's do. Foo's do. Foo's do. And what's the answer to Foo's do? Our will.

And that is good. It's good to be well. Yeah, it's very good. Yeah. So, Marilyn, you are a comedian and storyteller and improviser, but also you have been cursed with being born in the most far-flung point in the British Isles, trapped there. I love it here.

I'm so sorry. And I'm not paid to say this. Do you work for the Shetland Tourist Board? I want to say no, but I'm actually getting paid by them for a project right now. So you actually do work for the Shetland Tourist Board? Right now, yeah, I actually do. But no, I absolutely love Shetland. I always have. I'm kind of biased. We have touched upon Shetland in our English ignorance previously. Yes. In an episode in which we did, I think, some of the worst Scottish

accents we have ever done on the podcast. And that is a... Speak for yourself. No, James, you did as good a Scottish accent as you've ever done on the podcast in that episode. I did some of my best Scottish accent. But I would appreciate it if you could give us a picture, a history of Shetland, because I tried to capture what an unusual place it is. Shetland is different, right? Yeah. So we've got a bit of our own history. Actually, you covered that really well. And then you ruined it by everything else you said after. No, I'm said after i think your words were that we talk was it i can't remember how you described the accent oh i probably was it crazy correct i might have said between us we both called it crazy and the maddest scottish

accent no i don't think i know i don't know i really listened to it today and we definitely but it's not a normal Scottish accent. No so our history is kind of a mishmash because we were, Shetland and Otney too can't forget Otney though we try We were originally Pictish in part of the UK whatever it was back in those days

and then about 700 AD the Vikings started rolling and the Norsemen and we became Norse so we were Norse for about 600 years. And in 1469, Shetland and Orkney were pledged as a dowry in lieu of money, temporarily, to Scotland for the marriage of Margaret, the Princess of Norway, to James III of Scotland. So just to get this clear, Shetland was a massive IOU.

Pretty much, but my massive Oretland was a massive IOU. Pretty much, but my massive Orkney was a massive IOU and Shetland was like only worth 8,000 florins. It was the change down the back of the sofa kind of thing. Of all the ways to become Scottish. That is incredible. They tried it with just Orkney and Scotland was like, that's not enough. We want the value of 50,000 florins or something. And Ogden only came to like 42,000. So they threw in Shetland. That's a deal sweep now. Yeah, Shetland for cash.

You don't need to put it through the books, Scotland. Click, click, click. But yeah, that was us. And then we became Scottish. For the first 250 years or so, we were unchanged. So we spoke no iron. There's a mixture by this point, Christianity, Norse gods and some earlier gods you've spoken about.

Is that the Blue Man Group? Yes. It is, I think, James, your friend and mine, the Sea Mudder. Ah, the Sea Mudder. The Sea Mother, or as we prefer to pronounce it in the voice of the Brooklyn Gangster, the Sea Mudder.

Sea Mudder. You come to me on the day of my own mudder's birthday. I don't know. She's cooking the p own mother's birthday. I don't know. She's cooking the pasta. Briny. I can't do it. That's all right. Not being able to do the accent is normal on this podcast.

Yeah, don't let that stop you. But yes, when we say that, yes, the sea midder. So that's our oldest deity. She's the mother of the sea. She protects fishermen and sailors, but she's also the embodiment of fertility and warmth and life. So she rules over Orkney and Shetland to devour the spring through the summer.

Was this kind of a job share thing? I mean, I would like to say yes, but what happens is the spirit of winter, Terran, comes up and he fights her and he beats her. Oh. Oh, no. Every year? Every year.

In September. That's why we get such bad gales in September. It's called the gorvally, which means like the autumn tumult. So that's actually them leathering each other, just properly fighting. Yeah, so the waves are them lashing at each other and the winds are them howling and screeching at one another. It is awkward when you overhear someone arguing. Is that the time in Shetland where you sort of just really get into, like, video games

and sort of humming to yourself? Stop it, midder! Pop on some headphones and just wait for spring, I think. Teran wins. And then he turns his fist to Shetland Otney and brings death and darkness. This is darkness and death by Scottish island standards, so that's got to be pretty, pretty dreak.

Yeah, no, Terhran rains over winter and then come the Vour, Seamother's recovered. She's spent all winter making bigger ropes and she rushes up in March and they fight again, the Vour Tully, the spring struggle. And Seamother beats Tehran.

Yes. Good on her. How far is the ferry out of interest? If you go to Aberdeen, and then it's about 12 to 14 hours. Jesus. I know, Aberdeen. Jesus.

I tried to stress when we covered this before, this is not near Scotland. No. You are far away. No one commutes, right? Everyone works on Shetland. Yeah, unless you work on an oil rig, and then you're just... But yeah, and you don't really commute. That's why it's hard when I'm doing comedy.

I just have to come up and do it for months at a time. It'd be like getting the Megabus, but to every single gig. Except it's got a bar on it. And there's less spewing than a Megabus. You're like a reverse rigger then, in that you come to the mainland to do the very dangerous job of stand-up comedy for a few months at a time and then you've turned back with the things i've seen

and with less money opposite rigor oh yeah it really is the opposite yeah rigors are very well remunerated but there'll be absolutely no watching of vhs movies for them no chance they can do whatever they want, but the one thing they cannot do is watch The Lion King. Legally. Legally. Are you suggesting that they would just watch them anyway? James, it says it at the start.

As if the Federation Against Copyright Theft fact is going to make it out to a rig without someone noticing. They've probably got a helicopter, James, getting the megaphone out. Oil riggers, you wouldn't steal a car, would you? Over. Hey, we would steal a car if we got the opportunity. Well, we rather thought you'd say no.

Because you wouldn't have anywhere to drive it. It would fall off your rig. Yeah, that's why they don't leave cash in oil rigs for all the thieving oil riggers. I feel like we've offended Scottish people and oil riggers now, and I don't know which group I'm more afraid about having crossed. And some of those

oil riggers are going to be Scottish. Copyright notice, you can't play this podcast on an oil rig. Yes, of course. So now we're safe. Do oil riggers have their own cinema? Yeah, and they get their popcorn, they get a little bit of oil, a little bit of oil on the popcorn. And then they have their own sort of alternative to films

that are all made by other oil rigs. Oily Wood or something. They sort of do their version of films. The worst one ever was that time that they tried to recreate backdraft so much death i just think that they actually have a cinema and they just have a sellotape square to a window and just be like oh god it's a perfect storm again what's on the sea oh oh tell me the sea oh do a link by all means link us back to some folklore

so same as the way you'd honor her is when you're off on a boat you wouldn't use language that was considered taboo oh and that would be more modern language or language related to like the christian gods that was offensive to the old gods of the sea so you'd use a different language on the waves which still some fishermen follow a lot of these words and they're still fishing to this day i mean i don't think i would last five minutes from these rules why is that because you're so up to the minute with your slang and your hip-hop lingo james yes i i am uh lit do you want me to say some of the words and you can guess what they mean oh yes please okay so i'm going to tell you the words so these are not say some of the words and you can guess what they mean? Oh, yes, please. Okay, so I'm going to tell you the words.

So these are not even Shetland dialect. Some of these are Shetland dialect. Some of these are older than Shetland dialect. So a lot of Shetlanders would struggle with this. I don't want to sound overconfident, but I think we're going to get all of these right. So the first word is glabran. Glabran. Sounds like clobran time.

A fight. A fight. If you have to fight a fish. Specifically, if you have to fight a fish. I'm going to go with like a kind of boat shoe. Like a... Sorry.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like galoshes. I was actually thinking of more plimsolls, but you're right. You'd want something waterproof. The globerin is the moon. Oh, yeah.

I was going to say the moon. No, you weren't. You were going to say galoshes. And then you did. Okay, second word is poby runtley. Ah, poby runtley. Is that a single word? It's got a hyphen between the poby and the runtley,

but I'll give you a clue. What it's talking about is just a single word. Poby runtley. Poby runtley. That is a small fish with big lips. I have to stop laughing as soon as you guys get. Okay. To give you a clue as well, lots of these words are related to land things.

All right. A lot of these words are like the land you don't bring it to the sea. So like example, I won't ask you is like the Benny man. Benny man is a minister, which is, oh, no, bad. Don't take Christ on a boat. Christ on a boat. Right. Well, no, you shouldn't. He'd just wander off, wouldn't he? Knowing him. That sounds Welsh, this one. I'm going to go with something to do with a village or a building. Because public home.

Yeah. Now then, I spoke to my mother-in-law because on our last episode, I mentioned a couple of her family's mad recipes that they had. One was Dipo, which was kind of like a deconstructed mashed potatoes that you made yourself. But the other one that they told me about was Pobbs. It's served in a traditional shallow dish.

It's just chunks of bread with scalded milk poured over. What? What? That's it. These all sound like pranks. Pobbs! They sound like things a bully would do to you, not a food. It sounds like your mum promised you cereal, but only had bread.

Yeah, but wanted you to have toast. It's like a sad version of Cheerios. Sadios. Sad. Yeah. So is that your guess, James, for what this word means? Yeah, I think it's a mousse bouche of torn up pieces of bread covered in scalded milk. It's not that, but yeah, that's our guess.

James. Yeah? It's a pig. So close. Yeah. You could pour scalding milk on a pig, couldn't you? Pigs are so unlucky at sea that one of the worst things you can talk about at sea is a pig. Oh, do you want the last word?

Give us the last word. The last word is tree. Okay. Oh, all right. Having a little fun with the English. Laying a little trap. Okay.

Luring us into a trap. I think I know what it is. What is it, James? I think it's your friend and mine, friend of the show, Jesus and his dad and his ghost. The Holy Trinity. It's the Holy Trinity. What is it, James? I think it's your friend and mine, friend of the show, Jesus and his dad and his ghost.

The Holy Trinity. It's the Holy Trinity. Oh! If that's not true, that's a good guess. It's going to be a bloody tree, isn't it? It's going to be an actual tree. I can give you a clue. Here's a big clue.

You're getting all the clues. What's the clue? I'll have the clue, thank you. the clue is that i said last time it was land-based this time it isn't land-based okay a cloud that's the least land-based thing i can think of it never comes down because it's water and it's in the sky these are all lovely guesses but it's the mast you can't mention the mast of the ship so what if it gets struck by lightning you'd have to be like the uh pointing it's very hard for me to explain but it's gone but yeah those are some words for you that's amazing do you have to talk like this

on the ferry i know and nowadays like a lot of folk just use modern words, but there are the words I know some folk will never use is minister or church. It's Benny Mann and the Benny Hoose. That weirdly, like a lot of fishermen I came will still not say that. They won't say Benny Mann. They won't say Benny Hoose. They won't say Benny Hill. They won't say any of the godliest words. Is God Benny then? Maybe. Actually, I couldn't find a word for God. This is the most evil island it's the most diabolical island you can't even mention church when when um there's old stories of um men going saying they're going up to work in shetland these are quite old stories and folk doing in scotland were like don't go up there they're aisles full of witches

maria lane i think you told me you have a poem now i can see james's face creasing with agony this is so this poem is really cool though it's by a poet called vagaland and you're writing shannon dialect and you also write in english um but this poem is in dialect and it's really broad so i could read it to you through and explain it or you could just interrupt me and be like what's happening i think you should read it through in dialect and then we'll tell you what just interrupt me and be like, what's happening? I think you should read it through in dialect. And then we'll tell you what happened. And then we'll explain it.

I think we'll get it. I think we should be fine. As long as it is mainly about the masts of ships and the church, we should be fine. So this poem is called Fade to Ground. Does that make sense? From the ground? Yeah, perfect.

We're going to be fine. We're going to be fine. Yeah, easily. As I come by the trolley girts and stop it at the Melbourne brew, I met a pretty Osmall wife and she was gathering lucky zoo. God, why fear Tarang? I said to her. She held up some for me to see.

I'll carry it on my cards of green and spin and make a sack for thee. And when thou slips the moor thy hide, thou see what none has seen for long. Thou'll keen the niggle by the burn, thou'll listen to the filgy sang. The doors and green nows opening will look thee in among was a,

and there where time gangs dancing by, thou'll never want to win a wa. No need to speak of that today, the sark has neither made nor scored. With that, I spanged across the burn and left her as she stood and glured. I go

this rampart to our power and turn to find myself alone. And Nathan be the burn of our with a grey crooked standing stain. Okay. Okay, I think I've got it. You've got it? Yeah, right. So there was a guy and a lady of some kind. Guessing it was near a supermarket because

there was the trolley guts. Which is where you put the trolley back. That's the trolley guts. You've actually got a pen and paper out, James. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They went to the Lucky Zoo. Before that, she gave him something that he put on that gave him the ability to see things that you couldn't normally see.

Well done. 3D glasses. 3D glasses, I assume, like you use on the oil rig. Is any of this correct? Did she give him something that he wore? Yeah, so she was going to give him something to put on so he could see things he couldn't normally see. It's called a sark.

Like a vest? No, a shirt? Kind of, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, shirt, yeah. What's a nougel? A nougel. A nougel is the Shetland version of a kelpie, so a water horse that you think is a horse, but you ride it and then it tries to drown you.

They'll key in the nougel by the burn, so you'll know the nougel, you'll see it by the stream when you put the sark on. And the only other thing I got, I think, is he turned back possibly to see the woman from the start and she was a grey standing stone. Yes. I had that he stared at Nathan Berdala,

who I guess is a famous person in Shetland. Nathan. Oh, yeah, I made him. Do you want me to tell you what it was? Yes, please. So basically, the story starts as I come by the trolley. No, he says as I come by the trolley, which is this walking location by the brew,

he saw a pretty Osmil wife. Now, Osmil is the word for ugly. Oh, I don't like it. It's because she's not human. She is a trow. A trow. Do you know what a trow is? We did see trows in the previous one.

Oh, yes. Meaning troll. Yeah, trow is like our version of a troll. But if you think of like in Shetland, we've Shetland ponies that are just like horses but tiny and our sheepdogs are like dogs but tiny. Trolls are like three foot in height and they're very like our fae being.

They're like grey skinned and they only come out at night. So she was a troll the whole time. She was a trowel. Yeah, she was a trowel. And she was gathering Lucky's oo. And Lucky is often a name we give a witch. Lucky's a trowel. Yeah, she was a trowel. And she was gathering Loki's oo. And Loki is often a name we give a witch. And Loki's oo is bog cotton. Oo means wool, sorry.

It can also be translated to Loki's oo, because Loki, the god of mischief. So you think it looks like wool, but it's just bog cotton. So it's like tricks. What is bog cotton? It's like cotton that grows up in Scottish marshes. You can put it in white tufts. And you can use it to stuff teddies or pillows

or actually cairn it and turn it into actual cotton to make clothes with. Would you not get bog cotton doing sooth? Is that that stuff that's a bit like dandelion clock? That there's like one weekend when it just goes everywhere and... Exactly that. ...thick tufts. It's exactly that. Yeah, we do get that, actually.

We do get that, actually. You won't get it in your London, Alistair. No, we do have those little weird canisters that you find on the street from tiny little paintball games. Try paintball games. Yeah, little trial paintball. You hear them like... They love it. They absolutely love it.

So basically, and the man says to the woman, oh, you're busy. They absolutely love it. So basically, and the man says to the woman, oh, you're busy. Trang means busy. And she says, she holds up the bag of oo of bog cotton and she says, I'm going to curd this on my curd's a green, which means I'm going to brush it out. But curd's a green is, in Shetland, you believe that ferns are fairies' brushes for wool

or trowels' brushes for wool. Oh. Mmm. And she says she'll make a shirt for you with it. And when you slip them over your head, you'll see what no one's seen for a long time. And then she goes on to list all the magical creatures that are in that one area that she can see, but he can't. What were they? So the

njoggl. Njoggl. The filgi. And the filgi is like, it's, you can't, well, the thing is you can never see it, but you hear it and it sings to you the song of your death. Is that like the opposite

of the song that was number one when you were born? Yeah. And it says, the next thing she says is the doors in green now is opening and you'll see inside.

And basically that means a troughy home. So the troughs live under the hills and often there's an unusually large stone or a pretty now is now an english word like a null k-n-o-l-l because some of your double l's seem to be w's oh is that what's going on because like a troll is a trow a trow is a troll so maybe a now is a now. That's interesting. That makes so much sense. So yeah, so

you'll see into the hills and you'll be able to see the trowels there, but she says no need to speak of this today for the shirt is neither made or cleaned. So it's, I think it's like a song, a poem about death. Like I think it's like crossing into the next realm, like when your eyes open up

or taking acid. In the form of a shirt like a shroud but yeah and then he and then he jumps across the burn and he walks a bit and he looks back and she's gone just a stone in their place and then how does nathan fit into all this it's nathan all along the witch is nathan but yeah that's that's a pretty why did you think that poem james yes that was actually very enjoyable uh poem oh high praise not because you're a great poet james but because you hate

poems i do but i think because i didn't know what it was saying or trying to say i didn't get annoyed that it was saying it in a in an annoying way like i do with normal poems okay okay a lot of big talk a lot of big big talk for a small island james you sound like you are segwaying into the scores is that what's happening i'm ready to score you i've got my florins okay i've got 20 florins are you trying to buy shetland and i want to buy one or two shetlands um maybe you can get the fair isle. I don't know. First category then, I think, if I may speak on behalf of myself and the entirety of Shetland and Marie-Hélène, first category is names,

James. Naming. Now tell me this didn't have some good names. Great names. What was the name of the poet? Vagaland. Oh, is that a man? Is that a mountain? Is it just a cloak that talks? I don't know. Is it a 90s DC superhero?

Tree. Oh, the Benny man. The Benny. Oh, the Benny man in his Benny house. The Benny man in his Benny house. And the Nyuggle. And the Nyuggle. Nyuggle.

That makes Kelpie look like absolute... Your friend and mine, Nathan. Nathan, yes. Yeah, I would say this had the most names. No names for God, mind. He doesn't, he's not real here. We're not, yeah, don't listen to this podcast on a boat if you're a fisherman. We should have put this warning at the beginning.

Because it's copyright. Yes. Yolanda De Seam mudder and the federation against copyright theft facts it's when people say it's the feds it's never those feds knocking down your door what is this a mixed tape you're coming with us oh well then it has to be five then yes it. It simply must be fives. That is a strong start. That is a strong start right out of the gates. Strong fives. Wow.

Our second category is the supernatural. Ooh. Which we'd call in Shetland, your normal stuff. Natural. Yeah, you've got trowels, left, right and centre. And under. And under. A magic shirt.

A magic shirt a magic shirt yeah that's good I said sark I'm trying to say it in the dialect but I'm really what I'm just doing

is just doing an impression of what Maria Lane said which is quite offensive do you know when you're learning a language and you don't know if you're learning a language or just doing

like a rude impression of the person who's teaching you it's difficult well this is have you ever been to France and you kind of speak French so then

but if you speak in like a really bad fake French accent like hello hello suddenly everyone well this is have you ever been to france and you kind of speak french so then but if you speak in like a really bad fake french accent like hello hello suddenly everyone understands you if you're like where is the lead and that's because they want to humiliate you and they think once they've got you to do that they've broken you then and only then will they give you a painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies supernatural supernatural we've got everything they're coming out the water now they're coming from the sky they are the wind the wind is god's fighting yeah what i haven't heard yet is a ghost which is usually my sort of obviously they're clearly full of ghosts we just haven't mentioned in this episode i have many ghost which is usually my sort of obviously they're clearly full of ghosts we just

haven't mentioned in this episode i have many ghost stories is it thick with ghosts yeah okay i've got i've got stories with ghosts of ghosts that of folk who've disappeared in fact we have a ghost called the ganfer and people still see them to this day and the ganfers when you see someone's likeness because they've just passed on and have come to say goodbye come on that's worth a point James a ganfer in the northeast that would be

what are you going for what are you ganfer if you were popping to the shops ganfer

Pepsi Max from by Goodgrove and now I am offended by your action let's just pop this table

on a lazy Susan because it's going to keep turning sorry I should have done the biker grove laugh i don't think um we're gonna do any more biker grove jokes at least i canny see anyway to crowbar in another biker grove reference i wanted to tie in the trows playing paintball like tiny little trow that is how they do do the rigger version of programs, isn't it?

In oily words, they enact them with trows. That's the oil rig version of Biker Grove, is two little pixies. Yeah. There's a little PJ and Duncan. Which is not that different from real life. The real PJ and Duncan are not tall. Yeah, there's these two small, lovable figures, elfin-like cheeks. They entranced the mothers.

And then Jeff would just walk on with a big woolly face. Oh, it's Jeff. Yeah, Jeff Mann. But then he died in the Grove Fire. No. It was a terrible Grove Fire. I think it exploded, yeah, the boiler. Oh, but I could go for it on fire one time, yeah.

And Jeff was in it. And then PJ and Duncan came back for the funeral. Really? To sing their new single? He was like, you crazy cats what have you done to jeff i don't know they had so many lyrics they were actually frightened to use them supernatural of shetland i'm guessing if we were to lose this Zoom call, Maria Lane, and we tried to call you back, it would just be like, what? No, you can't speak to Shetland.

Maria Lane's been dead for 20 years. Yeah, I think it sounds like the most spooky place ever. I want to go and I'm going to give it another five. It's another strong five. Two fives. I think this is unheard of. I don't want to be too overly confident, but I already am.

I'm bubbling with confidence. Category the third, the sea, the sea. Oh, the sea, the sea. Not only a recurring lawmen catchphrase, but these are not even that big islands, James. It's 90% sea. It's mostly the sea, the sea. Yeah.

Not just the sea, the sea's mum. Yes. Are you calling the sea's mum, James? Not just the sea, the sea's mum. Yes. Are you calling the sea's mum, James? Just for context, Mary Lane, and any listeners, the sea, the sea, what was it?

It was an old, it was a thing that people used to shout in the past. It was one of the pointless catchphrases of history, like quaz, or, yeah, it was just something people used to say for no particular reason what a shocking bad hat and what a shocking bad hat oh how's your mother's lanyard was it or something like that

something about a mangle where's your mum's mangle these were like things that people used to say around the 1900s I feel like what you guys

might have felt like when I was saying the poem like I have no clue the see the see it's just the old fashioned version of like what you guys might have felt like when I seen the poem. Like, I have no clue. The Sea, the Sea, it's just the old-fashioned version of like, do you remember, what's that?

Do you know how everyone said that for a year and then we all realised, this is annoying. Yeah. The Sea, the Sea is like that. This is, again, it's thick with the sea. There was some land and the sea mother,

as lovely as she is. Oh, watch it. She does disappear for half the year. Perhaps she's got a second family. Orkney. Or she just goes south for the winter to get a bit of winter sun. You've really upset Mary-Laine here, James. You've not upset me.

You've just upset the sea. Like, when you hear the storm, you jump over the window and you can hear the storm already brewing. So you can give it a low score, James, but just be ready to bear the consequences. You won't be able to go near puddles after this. Yeah, I can't have anything in brine. Oh, that olive looks nice.

Oh, it went for me. It bit me. I think I dare not again give a five. This is worrisome. This is worrying. Yeah. We've never had a full run of fives. I need something that I can give a very low score to

for this final category. What's the final category then? The final category is Young Kunar's Uncanspeck. Young Kunar's Uncanspeck. I think I'll take this one. Go for it, James, do it. It's a character similar to Nathan. It's young Cooners, Uncle Speck.

It's this guy called Speck and he's got a nephew. It's that wife's strange speaking. So it's like my dialect. I was going to guess that Speck meant dialect. Speck is to speak. So young is that. Cooners, the taboo C word for woman. Onken.

Onken is strange. And speck is speaking. Onken is strange. It's yoghurt. There's milk scone. There's milk scone all thick. It's very onk. Do we have to bleep the swear words in Shetland?

I don't know. Apple are never going to notice that. Please don't flag us any Shetlandics. I was genuinely talking about dairy products. Well, James, I don't think it's arguable. Mary-Elaine talks funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She talks funny.

She's a comedian as well, so she talks funny in that sense that is true i just go on stage and i tell them what i did for my day and they laugh and there's not a good joke there it's the worst therapy what's one to five in um in shetland one two three four five oh but you can't get you can get focus it in as well weirdly in twa three four

five I want to give it a four because four four because I can't give out

a full five a five four fives can't give four fives four fives it's got to be a five it's got to be a five four fives

it's each five four four four five wow unprecedented unprecedented well thank you so much for joining us on Lawmen if the listeners want to find out It's East 5-4, 4-4-5. Wow. Unprecedented. Unprecedented. Well, thank you so much for joining us on Lawmen. If the listeners want to find out more things like your Shetland Word of the Day and other storytelling comedy stuff, how can they find you?

Yeah, so I do a Shetland Word of the Day almost twice a week on Twitter. It's at marioleinr. And then I actually tell Shetland Folk Tales most nights of the week on Twitch. on Twitter it's at mario lane r and then I actually tell Shetland Folk Tales most nights of the week on Twitch so if you're on Twitch

and you look for mario lane robertson if only I had an easy to find name Monday to Thursday 8pm to end Folk Tales on Twitch

and I've yet to repeat a Shetland tale I've been doing it for since lockdown began and I've never repeated a Shetland story other than when it's been requested and I still never repeated a Shetland story other than when it's been requested

and I still have new stories every night. And Maria Lane is spelt M-A-R-J-O-L-E-I-N. Yeah. Of course. And it's not even a Shetland name,

you told me. No. Drunk parents. Or as we call them in Shetland, parents. You've been listening to Lawmen with me, Alistair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft.

With deputy lawperson, Mary-Elaine Robertson. An excellent deputy, in my opinion. She was a fine deputy. To come on with a poem in this day and age. To walk in here with a poem, walk out with a five out of five. Increable, as the Shetlanders say. What a magical and terrifying place it sounds. If you like magical and terrifying places, join our Patreon.

Oh, yes. Patreon.com forward slash LawmenPod. Yeah, and you'll get the bonus episode for this, which I'll tell you now, it may even be longer than the actual episode. I want to talk about the last episode of Biker Grove, but I can't right now. We can't talk about the last episode of Biker Grove right now. The fourth wall-breaking last episode of Biker Grove, but I can't right now. We can't talk about the last episode of Biker Grove right now.

The fourth wall-breaking final episode of Biker Grove is too supernatural. I can't remember that one, but I must have watched it. It was Ben in it, sorry. You weren't talking about it. All it is, I don't think I've actually ever seen it, but I've read about it, and it's basically the final episode of Biker Grove. They basically realise they're in a tv program in essence and

then they start writing their own plots so there's aliens and and i think a dinosaur oh my god this is amazing my dream would be to watch like a mike lee film like a properly good social realist film but last scene dinosaur attack just nobody would be ready for it. Suddenly a velociraptor just, boom, right through. Takes off the lead's head. Not even on heroin. Yeah, exactly. And everyone's like, wow, that's put our problems into context.

Oh yeah, by the way, this estate is in the Triassic period.