Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep89: Loremen S3 Ep89 - The Wittenham Clumps

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

Big clumps ahoy! The Loremen encounter two large hills, each with beech trees atop. They're easily the top beech-tree-topped hills covered by this podcast since Chanctonbury Ring. The clumps are steeped in history, drenched in sauce and, sadly for James, riddled with poetry. And, yes. Don't worry, we talk about that Beatles documentary that everyone is talking about at the moment. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I am Alistair Beckett-King. Alistair, I've got a tale for you about a place this time. What kind of a place, James? It's not one hill. No? It's two hills.

Two hills? What's more fun than a hill? Two hills. Twice as many hills. They're called the Wittenham Clumps. The what-en-en-what? The Wittenham Clumps. The Wittenham Clumps.

Don't say it with a flourish. Just try and say it. It's really tough three two one well that was a big clap for me that was a real rounded hand ear-hurter. Yeah, a full, full zero dB right the way up there. Oh, yeah, peak top and bottom. Zero doesn't sound like it's the top of anything, but it is.

No. Because some people have decided we'll start at zero and we'll go down to minus infinity. What kind of a scale is that? Yeah, like for me, a minus decibel, that should be definitely quieter than whispering yes yeah my scale here says zero minus one minus three minus six minus nine minus 12 minus 18 minus 24 and then minus infinity oh yeah and that is a big jump minus 24 to minus infinity

it just shows you can use something every week for two to three years and not understand it. Yeah, I mean, it's not going to be a surprise to listeners that we have basically no understanding of audio technology because several of the episodes demonstrate that. Yeah. And speaking of which, again, eager-leared listeners, I'm back in the linens. Oh, nice. This was the cupboard that the original LDM, Lockdown Madness, struck.

The sexy skeleton episode. Yeah, the American GIs. Yeah, who had sex with skeletons, I think. Made love, actually. They made love to skeletons, yeah. I was literally in a similar position. However, that was in the height of a 2020 summer. 2020.

Whereas now it's the 2021. 2021. Winter. Yeah, the depths of. It's icily cold. Bitterly cold. The reason I hadn't been recording in here is because this room is directly above the boiler,

which usually sounds like it's got a trapped horse. I forgot to say, you live on a steamship, of course. Me? Right, of course. Just to allow people to visualise this. And so there's like navvies in there, shoveling coal, swearing. Oh, they swear. just the language on them

they f and jeff which are their names f and jeff jeff obviously shot for jeffrey f shot for f3 he's the horse every the horse yeah and the reason i've not been recording here though is because of that boiler making all the noise now i can record in here because our boiler has broken yes get in on the coldest week of the year 2021 so we've been shivering our little boonies off i'm under a crocheted blanket oh i don't want to suggest that things are kicking off but i'm i'm wearing a crocheted blanket that's that's an affectation tell that to my smoking jacket and pipe james you've spluttered so much your monocle almost fell out into my brandy so yeah we are in extreme cold here well no further ado then i recommend because it's been it's been mainly ado so far. So I suggest you tell the story. Well, I'll get on with it.

Alistair, I don't need to tell you about the Wittenham Clumps. Don't you? Alistair, let me take that again. Alistair, I need to tell you about the Wittenham Clumps. The Wittenham Clumps? Yeah. The Wittenham Clumps. Is this a sitcom idea?

It's a spin-off from The Nighting Professor 2,ham Clumps. Yeah. The Wittenham Clumps. Is this a sitcom idea? It's a spin-off from The Nighting Professor to The Clumps. So they're two hills in Oxfordshire? Yes. Round Hill and Castle Hill, or Harp Hill and Synodon Hill, respectively? Respectfully. Respectfully.

Respectively. Respectfully. In the same order. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. They're two hills with little copses of beach trees on the top so that's what the clumps refers to are these little beach trees they are the oldest known

planted hilltop beaches in england dating back over 300 years which is one of those um you know titles that becomes more and more uh what's the word? Less impressive, the more specific it is. Yes, exactly. Yeah. They're the oldest known planted hilltop beaches in England in the Oxfordshire region, currently still standing. Evans won a Royal Television Society Award for non-factual student film in the Yorkshire region.

Oh, nice. And as you imagine that was pretty hot competition from three other films yeah that you also were involved in that i also wrote and directed deliberately doing worse for those ones so they're also known as the synodon hills for a little bit of actual real learning in. The synodon deriving from the Celtic synodunum, which means an old fort. Because Castle Hill did actually have a castle on it dating back to the Bronze Age times.

These hills are really reminding me of Chantanbury Ring, off of the Chantanbury Ring episode. Oh, they've got Chantanbury vibes, definitely. That's got a specially planted head of beech trees on it as well. Well, these are older. Well, obviously they're older, James. Of course they're older. When were they built?

When were the trees built? The trees were, the foundations were laid or they were planted 300 years ago. Chantanbury Ring was 1760, which is slightly less than that. It's still close. That's a very similar time yeah so

he must have just seen people throwing up beech trees left right and center and thought i want in i can do that the people of the area were widely mocked for planting these beech trees because people other people referred to them as cuckoo pens cuckoo pens cuckoo pens because if you can capture the last cuckoo or if you can ensure that the cuckoos don't leave you will ensure that it remains summer forever oh there's a lot of background noise for this though that was quite a loud that's quite a loud noise that's quite spooky is that the horse in the engine room no he's gone he's dead i think the horse is dead and that's the problem i think that's what why we have to wait so long for the plumber. They've got to order a new horse in.

Basically, the old idea that a summer lasts until the last cuckoo goes. Migrating, I guess. Rural types, people from the village of Gotham. Oh, yeah, yes. The famously stupid village would be mocked for trying to cage a cuckoo in order to make summer last forever keep your cuckoo you got summer for evs i don't think they thought that through from an environmental perspective no i even from just a farming perspective but it would be lovely to have a little bit more

sunshine wouldn't it i don't know i get enough i enjoy the winter are you a winter i like i might see my birthdays in the winter and christmas is in the winter in my hemisphere that's very thoughtful of you james to mention that which hemisphere you're in the top one oh no that's that's really undermined it hasn't it no but the main one the bet the better one i like autumn i'm a man for one season. I know summer looks beautiful, but I usually have my eyes closed to keep up the sunlight. Like I'm squinting for the whole time.

So I don't get to appreciate the full splendor of a summer. Oh, I've been doing some research about Christmas stuff, Christmas customs ahead of Christmas, which is coming. Oh yeah. And there was one custom where if you were burning your Yule log, it was incredibly bad luck for anyone to come in squinting. But, oh, what if you've got a sceptical friend?

Or just your log's gone really smoky. Yes. Or someone was just slightly short-sighted. They're spending Christmas alone. Wow. My dad is a big squinter. Everyone with my complexion. It's not even skin tone.

It's the colour of the eyelashes and eyebrows. They're like prisms. They don't block out any sun. They just refract the light into a rainbow that is equally dazzling. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. The only option is to squint. Try and get folds of flesh between you and the sun. That's the only way of doing it.

Squint your little pig eyes. Skin eyelashes. What? It's not hard. It's just nature, James. Well, these guys were against nature in their failed attempts to capture a cuckoo. Because what they would do is the idea being that these trees would grow so high that the cuckoo wouldn't be able to fly out or become entangled

and therefore have to stay for the whole time. Yes, classic thing that trees are known to do to birds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really slows them down. That classic thing where a tree is so big a bird is trapped in it. Yeah, they really hate trees, don't they, birds? Yep, yes.

Oh, those weren't the only names, the clumps. They've also been known as the Berkshire bubs because they used to be in Berkshire? Berks as the Berkshire Bubs because they used to be in Berkshire? Berkshire? Berkshire, I think it should be. It's spelt Berkshire. The Berkshire Bubs because it used to be in Berkshire until 1974. And then they moved the hills. That's a lot of admin.

Well, they had to do it. And in the mid-70s they're doing that without email, so very impressive. Also known as Mother Dunge's Buttocks. Who's this character Mother Dunge's Buttocks. Who's this character, Mother Dunch? Apparently they were actually owned by the Dunch family in the 17th century. That's very satirical then to imply that two large hills are the matriarch's buttocks. The full bottom. And you know what? It is the most visited outdoor location in Oxfordshire. All right. All right. It's not a competition. They're very ready to defend themselves against criticism that nobody has leveled against them yeah like big themselves

up in very specific ways you can see really far for them you can see all the way 17 miles to the west you can see farringdon folly which the eagle minded memoried eagle memoried listeners will remember that that is from the legend of Hand and Pie, who was that chap who got his head shot clean off with a cannonball. Oh yeah. Oh yes, yes. And replaced with a cannonball. And then replaced with a cannonball and then he lived for several years

as a cannonball man. Yes, I remember that. Someone drew a mouth on with lipstick. He was from Farringdon and Farringdon Folly was the one that i think it has the hilarious sign saying if you fall off the tower you'll hurt yourself or something i've forgotten about that yes so how far apart are these hills from each other because i'm visualizing because of the way you've described them i'm visualizing them like the hills from the baby got back video they are pretty close, to be honest.

They're right next to each other. They're not quite atop each other. Is there anything in the cleft, like a well or something funny? Funny you should mention that. We'll come to that later. That's what I would have done if I had been an 18th century japester. Now, obviously, I've checked the reviews. Naturally.

And there's a couple of great one stars. That's what they have in between the two hills. So, yes, Whitsitt and Clumps, open 24 hours every day of the week. Because they're hills. Reviews, 4.7 of 571 reviews. That's an excellent average. Cleo Zox, XOX, or Kiss Hug Kiss, nine months ago, one star, wouldn't recommend, freezing and muddy. Hold on, nine months ago?

That would have been unseasonably freezing and muddy, to be fair. I don't think you can blame the hills for the weather. And a hill is basically mud. And some rocks, maybe, but... It's broadly mud. Yes, you're right. Some of it's mud. There's a good three star from one Bill. Nice views apart from Did Cop. Possibly my favourite from TT.

Three stars. One word review. Trees. Trees. The review is just the word trees? Trees. Yeah. I've googled Wittenham Clumps News and, well i don't know how to put it so i'll put it

how you put it it's notorious for its car park oh uh parking system that isn't pay and display yeah right this is the same as what is it about hills with deliberately planted beach trees in the southeast of England? They look like bums. They look like bums. How does this keep happening? I don't know. This was from an article in the Oxford Mail.

M-A-I-L. It's not like Playboy for posh people. It listed Oxfordshire beauty spots used for dogging. Now, the tone of the article, I think it attempted to be disapproving but it did list them all and point out it's not strictly illegal does it include like the coordinates the google map link well pretty much one's like sanford lane kennington on the thames path towards abingdon that's very specific and then the other one was minster level near the bridge and i think both of those places are featured in our podcast so i don't know if maybe we've

got a big following in the um and display community no i don't think so i don't think it's just a coincidence you don't think that well they gotta listen to Summit in their cars. My theory, ley lines. I think the nexuses of the next I of supernatural activity are also going to attract other natural activities. Sex lines. Yes. Yes. Ley lines with an A. Yes.

Yeah. Bad news as well on the Wikipedia page. One of the headings, poetry. Terrible news for me. Oh, I was hoping for controversy i love it when the wikipedia page has controversy i'm always right into there to find out early life screw early life i want to know about controversy well this one yeah it's got poetry because there is or there was the poem tree there um there was a tree that a chap called Joseph Tubb... I don't know why I'm laughing at that name, but I am.

Between 1844 and 1845, carved a 20-line poem into the tree. Oh. The tree went rotten in the 90s and fell down in 2012. Right. Didn't we all? Was that sped on by having a 20-line poem carved into it? Maybe. Had it been limerick, perhaps, the tree might have avoided infection?

Well, they sort of talk around this on the Wikipedia page, saying, following its collapse, a crane was used to help make the tree safe, but the much-decayed trunk disintegrated. So they're sort of saying they tried to pick it up and it just fell apart. Oh, sometimes it's like that when you reach into the crisper tray at the bottom of the fridge and a carrot looks fine you're just trying to help just trying to get i'm just trying to winch that carrot out because he looks salvageable oh no i shouldn't have carved a 20 line poem into the carrot what poem do you think it was do you think it was a famous poem oh i thought i thought it'd be a tub original yeah it

was yes it was a tub original they found it written down because it was very famous poem oh i thought i thought it'd be a tub original yeah it was yes it was a tub original they found it written down because it was very difficult to read on the side of a tree after 100 years and the tree version's different oh because he went there he forgot to bring the text oh so he's just improvising and would do it from memory and get it wrong early jazz pioneer felonious tub just riffing on the tree joe tub jay tubbs would you like to hear the poem maybe we'll include it as a sort of a bonus extra for completists is the poem not good enough to warrant being here it's 20 lines go for it we'll speed it up if need be as up the hill with laboring steps we tread where the twin clumps their sheltering branches spread,

the summit gained at ease reclining lay, and all around the widespread scene survey, point out each object in instructive tell, the various changes that the land befell. Where the low bank the countrywide surrounds, the ancient earthwork formed old mercy as bounds. In misty distance see the barrow heave, there lies forgotten lonely Gwychelms grave.

Heave and grave don't. Right. Around this hill the ruthless Danes entrenched, and these fair plains with gory slaughter drenched, while at our feet where stands that saintly tower in days gone by uprose the roman power and yonder there where thames smooth waters glide in later days appeared monastic pride within that field where lies the grazing herd huge walls were found some coffins disinterred such is the course of time the wreck which fate and awful doom awards the earthly great horrible horrible horrible poem just a quick recap of every single thing that's ever happened yeah in that area area wow up until 1844 that covers a lot of ground it does quicken's grave

yes who's quicken is it refers to oh god how the hell do i say this scutchammer knob which is a barrow on the ridgeway. Are you scatting? You can apparently see there. It is also known as Scotsman's Knob. Nothing amusing about that. Carry on. And it's 8.5 miles away.

It is a barrow historically recorded as the site where Gwychelm of Wessex was killed by Edwin of Northumbria. Right, so no Scottish people involved. In 636. Oh, but Northumbria was probably Scotland in those days. And this is from the Wikipedia. Oh, thanks everyone that's pointed out that wiki means quick. In Hawaiian.

In Hawaiian, that's where it comes from. I jokingly said Wikipedia was like an encyclopedia, but wicked. I've been on wikipedia this whole time. All skulls. Just a catalogue of wika. Oh, no, wopedia, but wicked. I've been on wickerpedia this whole time. All skulls. Just a catalogue of wicker. Oh, no, wicker, but like chairs. Yeah, yeah, like the chairs, yeah. I thought it was like wicker, like the, you know, like witch and stuff.

Oh, right. No, I thought you meant like Alan Wicker, the journalist from the 1970s. Wicker's World. Yeah. Yeah. They wrote it down and it became... And that's Wikipedia. I hope they told that to him before he died.

I'm presuming he's died. He has died, yes. Wikipedia, is that about me? Yes, Alan. Go to sleep now. Got back to weaving. He then returned to the wicker. When's he came?

He just... He's gone. But we'll always have some documentaries about travel. Or something. And that Monty Python sketch. Yeah. But this, about that bit of poem, it says, Tubbs' assertion that the Barrow could be seen in the misty distance is plausible.

Tim Allen, brackets, an Oxford-based archaeologist, suggests that on a clear day the Berkshire Downs can be viewed from the hills, and vice versa. Explaining that it's not Tim Allen from Tool Time. Yeah, not Tim the Tool Man Taylor. Explaining that it's not Tim Allen from Tool Time. Yeah, not Tim the Tool Man Taylor. Asserted that on a clear day, the Berkshire Downs can be viewed from the hills and vice versa. But he did request more power.

That's why you'd have to always be peeking over a fence. Just if you want to see the barrow. Yes. Did you think that Time Team had had a look at this place? I would assume so. Well, of course they have. I imagine Tony Robinson would have a little poke around. Yes.

At least in the car park. That is not a specific allegation about Tony Robinson. It was about the whole of the Time Team production crew. I'm about everyone i'm talking about the runners living and dead mostly the dead because we're allowed to slander them yes anybody who has worked on time team and subsequently died they are the ones who are really laying into that's who we were meaning and apologies to anyone who knew them yeah they found a roman rom Romano... Romano? Romano? Romano? Who? Romano British house with a mosaic floor.

I think maybe Romano. Romano. Like Ray Romano. Yeah. From Everyone Loves Raymond. Yes. His full name is Ray Romano British. He's a thousand years old.

It had mosaic floors and a painted plaster wall on Round Hill. Oh, lovely. As recently as Februarybruary 2021 2021 archaeologists announced the discovery of at least 15 roundhouses dating from 4 to 100 bc and the remains of a roman villa dating from the 3rd to the early 4th century ce i love a roundhouse do you i like the way they dig into the ground a little bit so you go you sort of go down into them cozy so cozy nice big fire in the middle because it meant that nobody could put baby in the corner one of the many manifestations of how you want to be like patrick swayze it probably is hard to get shelving for a roundhouse yeah it's got to be purpose you are not getting that from ikea no unless you position you could buy a few calaxes

they're the big square shelves from Ikea. And you could have them going out at a 90 degree tangent to the wall. That would be, and that would kind of divide up the space. Yes, it creates some sound baffles. You'd really be making some good use of the space there. But that's not why I've brought you here. Sorry, we're not doing a roundhouse version of Grand Designs with you as Kevin MacLeod. And me as a middle-class Iron Age

gentleman. Who also is influenced by Patrick Swayze. A middle-class Iron Age Patrick Swayze fan building a roundhouse. And Ray Romano aficionado. A Ray Romano aficionado. That's lovely to say. No, the reason I've got you here is that there is a deep hollow in the side of Cynodon Hill. Oh, yes. Called the Money Pit. Call it what you want. That is where treasure

is said to be buried. There was once a man who would dig in there. He found the top of a great iron chest. He dug so... He dag? Is that the past tense for digged?

Yes, that's correct. He dag. He dugged. He digged. He dig past tense for digged? Yep, yes, that's correct. He dag. He dugged. He digged. He digged. Digged. I can't remember now. The word is dug.

He dug. Just to get us back on track. We don't know his name. He dug so far that he found this iron chest. He found the top of an iron chest. But before he could prise it open and get his greasy mitts on that gold, a raven swooped down and said, He is not yet born.

Is that the end of the sentence? Yeah. Okay. Or, he is not born yet. I'm still missing information. Either way, I'm still confused. I thought it was going to be, he is not yet born. Who can open that chest?

No, that was inferred by the man. Right. And he covered it back up and left. Okay. No one's ever seen it since. No curse, he just went about his way. Why is the raven being so cryptic? It's not Twitter.

It's not got a character limit. Why are you condensing it to the point of ambiguity? It's a tight-lipped raven. And yeah, that's it. He just covered it back up. Just covered it back up and left. He took that to mean that the person who was due to find the treasure had not been born yet.

That's obviously a warning that Tony Robinson... Did not heed. When he went round there. But yeah, they didn't. So did Tony Robinson find it? No, no, he's found the treasure ever since. It's a big iron chest in the money pit, which is a big hollow. Yeah.

In between the two buttocks. So that's the tale. There's nothing more to learn about Wittenham Clumps. That's every fact about Wittenham Clumps. That's everything there is you can know about Wittenham Clumps. What was your favourite bit, actually, of the tale? Before we get into the scores. I think my favourite bit was the bit where the bird flew down

and then said something. Honestly, I thought it was going to peck his eyes out. So the fact that it was just a little word of a voice in your shell, Larkin, that is way better. So are you ready to score my clumps? Yes. Yes, I am. That was a neat little tale, James.

Rate my clump. Dot clump. Okay, then. Okay, then. Supernatural. Supernatural. It's a low score. Yep.

But having just said that I like the talking raven, obviously that's got to count for something. Chatty ravens. A chatty Corvid. Do we have anything other than that? Ah. A supernatural front. Oh, the attempt to capture the bird to stop someone from ending.

That didn't work, though. No. I think it's a two. Ugh. I don't want to beat around the bush. No, you might cause summer to end by scaring a bird away. Maybe. I might scare off a cuckoo.

A cuckoo? A cuckoo. I think I just said it in a scouts accent for no reason. A cuckoo. I scare off a cuckoo. Have you been watching a Beatles documentary then? Or a weekend? No, but I have been hearing lots of people's opinions about the Beatles documentary.

And so I feel like it looks very good. It oscillates between it's too long to it's just the right amount of time for my old opinions from people there. Okay then, I'll take my two. I'll pop that in the bank. Do you think anyone will make a documentary about us recording Lawmen?

Just all of the heartache. And we're there going, oh, we can't do it. We've been in lockdown for months and we're in the doldrums. How about we go to Tripoli and thousands of Arabs, all with torches. That's the director keeps trying to convince. I've only seen the first bit and the director keeps trying to convince them to go to Tripoli, have thousands of Arabs, all with torches.

And they all keep saying no. They were correct to say no to that guy. In retrospect, though, they'll realise that every single podcast we produced at the time went on to become an all-time classic. Oh, definitely, definitely. Even though we couldn't see it because we were being torn apart by our own internal rivalries. There's a bit where we come in and we're sort of riffing around

and it's like, he's just trying to say the C, the C. He's going, my knee, my knee, my knee. He's doing it. He's doing it. He's got the basics of it there. It is weird watching them not get really famous songs wrong. Do you know the words to get back? It's well easy.

Even my mum knows them. That just doesn't make sense because she's of the era. Yes, so category two, The Beatles. Category two, The Beatles. It's a fab four out of potentially five. Oh, that would be a good one. And then I could always get the old Fifth Beatle card. Yes, yeah, yeah.

But that's not the category, is it? Because the episode has nothing to do with The Beatles, except that you have been watching a documentary. It can't is it? Because the episode has nothing to do with the Beatles, except that you have been watching a documentary. It can't be the category, because it literally has nothing to do... Like every other podcast I've listened to this last week has nothing to do with the Beatles, but they still mention the Beatles documentary. Right, so, category the second, naming.

Well, the Wittenham Clumps. Wittenham Clumps. Top draw name. Top shelf name. Mm-hmm. Joey Tubbs. Joey Tubbs. Yeah, Joey Tubbs. Yeah, the Tubster. naming well the wittenham clumps windham clump top drawer name top shelf name joey tubs joey tubs yeah joey tubs yeah the tubster el tubberino he wasn't a poet whoa we're blowing my mind as you'll have guessed from listening to that he wished to become a wood carver but his father convinced him to become a maltster a maltster what a maltster a maltster a maltster? A what? A maltster. A maltster? A maltster. One who malts. One who makes malt.

Oh. So he turns light grains and that into malted grains. Right. A maltster. But his passion was wood carving, so that's why he carved a poem on the tree. And he just wrote a poem because he needed something to carve on the tree. I guess so. Yeah, he wrote a poem.

He took a ladder and a tent over these two summers, the summers of 1844 and 1845, in order to do it. I know what the ladder's for. I'm really not clear on what the tent's doing. I think in case it rained or a cuckoo wanted to poo on him. And he wrote a poem, but kept forgetting to take the text of the poem with him. Oh, 20 lines. 20 lines.

Oh, you feel them all. When I have to read the children's books, there are some good ones that have a decent rhyme scheme, but some of them are just like, oh. A, B, A, B. The one I've always hated the most is a, I think it's a giraffe called Geoffrey or something like that. Oh, well annoying.

I'm sure that's really relatable to people who've got kids. But you should have seen, James, while they were writing The Giraffe Called Geoffrey, they were just noodling around in a recording studio. They were like, oh, what is it? A giraffe called Jeremy? That's nearly it. Godfrey? You're just watching the documentary going, Geoffrey!

All giraffes are called Geoffrey. Wait a minute. I've tried to... Is that the title of the book? All giraffes are called Geoffrey. All giraffes are called Geoffrey. Wait a minute. I've tried to... Is that the title of the book? All giraffes are called Geoffrey. All giraffes are called Geoffrey. Geoffrey was the name of the giraffe from the Toys R Us advert.

He was called Geoffrey. Of course he was. There's millions and Geoffrey all under one roof. Checks out. There's millions, said Geoffrey. There's millions, said Geoffrey. Oh, right.

There's millions, said Geoffrey, all under one roof. That makes more sense than there's millions and Geoffrey, Oh, right. There's millions said Geoffrey, all under one roof. That makes more sense than there's millions and Geoffrey, as I always thought it was. There's millions of Jeffreys all under one roof. It's called Geoff's-a-rus, Geoff's-a-rus, Geoff's-a-rus. I wonder they went out of business. So we've got Jay Tiddle, we've got the Wittenham Clumps,

and we've got Geoff's-a-rus. The Berkshire Bubs. Oh yeah. Mother Duncey's Buttocks. Every one of these is delightful. Scotsman's Knob. It's like having a series of chocolate truffles rolled towards you. So it's a five.

Yes. Playing down the fact that one of the hills is called Round Hill. Yeah. Look, I did notice that. What's the next category? Don't Trust the Birds. Oh, so bad advice from the Raven. Yeah. Said yeah said oh you don't want that treasure yeah you could have opened that treasure the only one that's ever found it it probably was him maybe the raven was short-sighted

yeah oh that wouldn't suit you mutton dressed as lamb no wait for a young person let me believe in myself raven yeah don't be undermined by a raven don't be forced to be a monster by your own dad and there's the cuckoo and then there was also the cuckoos who kept who every year plunge us into the depths of autumn by going wherever they go away away and you can't trust cuckoos in general because of the way they lay their eggs famously yes they will get into your home they will they'll roll your babies to the window trick you into thinking you're their child having murdered your other children yep don't trust these birds the only work they'll do around the house is clock-based work yes there's two examples of untrustworthy birds that cuckoo's very untrustworthy okay okay so

maybe the cuckoo counts for two, but I don't know. I feel like I'm reaching my hands into the box and I feel like it's a three in there. Oh, good. It's hairy,

it's spiky, it's scratchy, but it's shaped like a three. That's good. Maybe it was one of the birds that left that review that just said

three star for trees. Well, they hate trees because they get drafted. Three stars, trees. Put it on your Edinburgh poster. Unless that person thought they were going to the beach,

got there, found out they were beach trees and was like, I hope nobody else makes this mistake. Trees. That's a very real point. What's the final category? I like big clumps

and I cannot lie. Is that the correct rhythm? Are you happy with the rhythm with which you said, I like big clumps and I cannot lie. Is that the correct rhythm that you said? Are you happy with the rhythm with which you said, I like big clumps and I cannot lie? I like big clumps. I cannot lie. That's if Sir Mix-a-Lot were actually a knight of the realm. Yeah.

This is it, like his opening sort of statement of his defence. Oh, don't represent yourself in courts a lot. Well, I did enjoy the big clumps. I must admit. Oh, there's a third clump. Whoa. There's an unofficial third clump. Like the fifth beetle. Like Pete Best or George Martin,

there is a third clump. An unofficial third clump. Brightwell Barrow. It's also got a small clump of trees on its peak. All its Wikipedia says, think of all that information I've given you about the main clumps. All Brightwell Barrow has got is that it was mentioned in the Doomsday book under the entry for Brightwell comes Sotwell. That's it.

That's everything. And Brightwell comes Sotwell's Wikipedia pages, similarly drab. No dogging there. Related articles, Brightwell comes Sotwell, a human settlement in England. Oof, damned with faint praise. That seems needlessly specific to humanity. Maybe that should have been my category. It's needlessly specific awards.

A human settlement. A human settlement in england who wrote that wikipedia page a bird maybe the same person that about a famous clump of trees on the top of a hill wrote a one word review trees well okay if i were a harsh number master i would say three clumps, three out of five. I could say that. Go on. But I'm going to make it a four, I think. Yes.

Because I enjoyed the posh voice you created for Sir Mix-a-Lot. I like big clumps. I cannot lie. There you go. Loads of facts about a couple of hills. I see them as underdogs to the Chantanbury Ring Hills, which are basically the same, but they're better. And those underdogs to things like mountains.

Yeah, and then what's below a hill? Hillock, I suppose. Hillock, yeah, all the way down to Mole Hill. Is that under a Wikipedia page? A mole settlement. If you've enjoyed this episode of Lawmen, you can support the podcast on patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. All sorts of extras on there.

Or you could write us a review. I suggest just the word podcast. One word, trees. Oh, it's Giraffes Can't Dance. That's the one I hate. And I think the giraffe's called Geoffrey in that because all giraffes are called Geoffrey. Seemingly. Apart from our giraffe, actually,

our kid's toy giraffe is called Lewis. Lewis? Yes. L-E-W called Lewis. Lewis? Yes. L-E-W-I-S? Yes. Okay. They're a she. Didn't realise that.

Nice. And he was named after Jerry Lewis, which I suppose is probably like Jerry in the map potentially shot for Geoffrey. So Jerry the giraffe. Oh, very good. That's a stretch. That's like a cryptic crossword.

It is a bit, but less rewarding. Hard to impress people on the train. You see these photographs of toys. Interesting story behind the names. Take your headphones out. Take your headphones out. I'll put my mask on in a minute. They can't hear me.

The giraffe's called Lewis. It's a giraffe. It's called Lewis. They've got out there on the station platform now. I'm holding the pictures up to the window. You can't open this window. They're out of Jerry Lewis. They're a she.

They're a she.