Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep91: Loremen S3 Ep91 - Christmas Pig!

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

It's the time of year when strangers passing on a wintry lane, warm of heart and pink of cheek, stop to wish each other, "Christmas Pig!" Join two merry gentlemen for a pair of porcine ghost stories for Christmas. James and Alasdair also stage an all-star rendition of the traditional Burford Mummers' Play, and witness the return of Jesus Christ... Cereal Killer. This episode was originally a livestream, and the whole darn package is available here (except for the catastrophic technical failure): https://youtu.be/kuNn5DbiS-o Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

welcome to lawmen a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore i'm james shakeshaft and i'm alistair beckett king alistair merry christmas merry christmas it's not just it's days of yule james it's not just days of y, it's days of yule, James. It's not just days of yore. It is days of yule. We've just basically got our Christmas smorgasbord, haven't we? Very rich. Very rich. Mmm, very rich.

Have a renny to hand. Mmm. I've got a whole sort of cheese board of just different types of renny. So what is this episode called, James? Christmas Pig. And why is it called that? Let me tell you so we thought given that it's christmas and I don't know if you heard the mini episode, we were talking about some oldie, schoolie traditions of Christmas.

We talked about some Christmas traditions like wassailing. Wassail. Wassailing or wassailing. I don't know. Wassail is how it's meant to be pronounced. Would you like to explain what it is? I don't know, apart from it seems to involve a sort of soup, but soup that people then put money in? Is that what it is i don't know apart from it seems to involve a sort of soup but soup that people then put money in is that what it is a soup i don't think there's a there's a bowl yes

but i think you have invented the soup i just read bowl thought about soup and then went back to reading the bit where they put money in it and thought why they put money in soup i think so i think that's what you what you might call a begging, which doesn't always have to have soup in it. Uh-oh. I hope the spirit of Christmas generosity hasn't been too powerfully... Have you been pouring soup on people, James? Merry Christmas! In my defence, it wasn't piping hot.

As you ride past wearing a stovepipe hat in a carriage. Merry Christmas! Get that soup from the window. The one as big as me, sir? Yes, that tin of soup as big as you. So it's a sort of, I guess it's a singing-based ask for money at Christmas thing. It's a precursor to caroling, I think.

But I've also seen it performed alongside a particular form of mystery play called a mummer's play. The mummers. The mummers. We talked a little bit about mummers before and we inaccurately called them racists, I think. Yes. I said that they painted their face black,

which they don't. They do paint their face, but not consistently black. So how can that be offensive? Maybe they did it in the past and it was the only colour that they could use. But nowadays, you should probably just sort of understand the world and not do it. There's less face painting goes on these days, I think, in the folk community. Yes.

So it's sort of a mummer's play. I guess it's kind of a precursor to pantomime, but less French. Loving it already. And it's kind of,'s oh it's a i imagine it owes something to commedia dell'arte oh wait wait that's italian not a problem it's that thing which is it's a sort of a folk play with stock characters that everyone knows and everyone goes to see the play knowing what's going to happen know what the characters are and it's basically they didn't have telly in the past.

It's like Mrs. Brown's Boys. It's Mrs. Brown's Boys for the grope generation. Yeah, and so we've got several stock characters here. This is the Burford Mummers play. Yes. We have the Turkish Knight, Father Christmas, the King of Egypt, St. George, a dragon, a giant, and a doctor. What a lineup. We've cut the King of Egypt, St. George, a dragon, a giant, and a doctor.

What a lineup. We've cut the King of Egypt, though, for time. No criticism intended of the King of Egypt. It's just he doesn't really have any good lines. He kind of just comes in and says, My son's St. George. He's coming on in a minute. Son-in-law, I think, if I remember the story correctly.

But it doesn't really matter. He definitely married the King of Egypt's daughter. Uh-oh. First upon the stage for you, this Merry Christmas Eve Eve, it's a Turkish knight played by James Shakespeare. Yes. Trained actor, James Shakespeare.

Trained actor and trained mime. Stop reminding me that you know how to mime. Right, so I'm the Turkish knight. I'm going to do my best accent. Are you going to do the accent? I'm going to do my best accent. Are you going to do the accent? I'm going to do my best accent. Open your doors and let us in. For I hope your favours we will win.

Where I rise or whether I fall, we will do our best to please you all. St. George is here and he swears he will come in. If he does, he will pierce my skin. If you do not believe what I say ask father christmas to come in and clear the way and it's obvious that people do not believe what he has to say because the next person up on the scene is father christmas again played by you james i noticed you've taken quite a lot of the meaty roles for yourself here in casting you you had the king of egypt for a minute until we cut it oh yeah on the cut down there on the cutting room floor what's that the King of Egypt for a minute until we cut it. Oh, yeah.

Down there on the cutting room floor. What's that? The King of Egypt? And I'm going to do this in a kindly Christmassy voice, I think. My kindest, nicest, friendliest voice. Friendly. Friendly. In comes old Father Christmas.

Welcome or welcome not. i hope old father christmas will never be forgot if i am not come here to love or jeer but for pocket full of money and a skin full of beer if you don't do not believe what i say oh the. There's no King of Egypt coming in. Friendly. You chose the voice of Sam the Sandown Clown. Friend of the show, Sam the Sandown Clown. Friendly friend of the show, Sam the Sandown Clown. So the King of Egypt comes in. Arbitrarily, we've cut that.

And then it's St. George. Finally, an ABK role. And I intend to play St. George in the style of generic Beatle. Ah, the Beatles. All the Beatles, yes. St. John in the style of generic Beatle. Ah, the Beatles. All the Beatles, yes. St. John, Paul, George and Ringo. Okay. Here I am, St. George, from Britain did I spring,

and I will fight the fiery dragon. My wonders to begin. I'll clip his wings. He shall not fly away. I'll cut him down, or else I die. That doesn't rhyme. That was awful. I was cut him down. Or else I die. That doesn't rhyme. That was awful. I was really expecting it to rhyme.

And then a dragon appears. That's you, right, James? I'm going to do this as Neil Ryan, who was a voice that I had to adopt at my old work because they never paid any bills and I always had to ring up. And they'd always ask for a name to put on the bills. I didn't want to put my real name.

So I called myself Neil Ion and I developed a whole, I was going to say character, but I developed a whole voice for him. He'd ring up and say, why have you called for gas? Wow, it's hard to argue with Neil Ion. Is it I-O-N, like the particle? Yeah, it is. Like a charged particle.

Neil Ion. It's Neil, N-E-A--l but it's iron i-o-n like the particle it's not a surname neil you can't put neil ion on steve electron this is a realistic fake name there's a jimmy neutron he's a child inventor he wouldn't be scrubbing around trying to pay just the tiny bit of a gas bill or argue why you shouldn't pay a gas bill. But one time I did actually have to pay a tiny amount of a bill. And I was like, okay, I'm going to pay this because it was like a five.

It was like a token amount. And I was like, well, I'll pay it. A sign of goodwill. So I was like, yeah, okay. And I got my card out and I did all the number. And they're like, what's the name? And I was like, oh, I'll pay it. A sign of goodwill. So I was like, yeah, okay. And I got my card out and I did all the number. And they're like, what's the name? And I was like, oh, it's James Shake Shaft. And they were like, are you the cardholder?

And I was obviously not because I was Neil Iron. So I had to say, oh, no, I'm not. And they're like, well, can you get him on, please? And I went, yeah, I'll just get him. And I went like, Jamie, Jamie, you've got to tell them they can use your card. Why does Neil Ion call you Jamie? Because. I've never known anyone to call you Jamie.

Because then I came over as Jamie Shakespeare. Hello. Yes, it's okay. You can use my card. Why is Jamie Shakespeare Scottish? why is Jamie Shake Shack Scottish why is Jamie Shake Shack Scottish I still wanted it removed from me in myself

I'm like Peter Sellers getting interviewed that time there is no you there is no real James you just keep digging down it's just layers of character yeah and Jamie Shake Shack didn't like

near line as well I made sure like he was like oh he's not popular in the office yeah so keep it and he was like can you not say how he says neil and went off anyway so where are we mama's place and george has turned it up in the voice of neil ion the dragon appears fraudster neil iron who is he that seeks the dragon's blood and speaks so angry and so loud that english dog will he before me stand i will cut him down with my courageous hand with my long teeth and scurvy jaws of such i break up half a score then stay my stomach till i have more is there a doctor to be found already near at hand

to cure a deep and deadly wound and make a champion stand? So presumably he's struck at St. George and he's injured him and St. George is all on the ground like, oh. Yes, St. George and the dragon fight and St. George is overcome. And then the doctor, am I doing the Doctor as Patrick Stewart? Is that the plan? Yes, yes, yeah. I really pitched for David Lynch,

but you insisted on Patrick Stewart. I think it's got more of a Doctor-ish vibe. Well, bad, bad Captain Picard. Here we go, Doctor. Engage. Oh yes, there is a Doctor to be found, already near at hand, to cure a deep and deadly wound

and make a champion stand. And what do you cure? That was Father Christmas again. That was Father Christmas, obviously. All sorts of diseases, whatever you pleases. The physic, the palsy, and the gout. If the devil's in, I'll blow him out. What is your fee?

Fifteen pounds is my fee, the money to lay down. But as to such a rogue as thee, I'll cure thee for £10. And he takes a big pill from his bag and bottle, and he goes to St. George. I carry a little bottle of Alexopane. Here, Jack, take a little of my flip-flop. Pour it down thy tip-top. Rise up and fight again.

St. George and the dragon fight again. And the dragon dies. And the dragon dies. Oh, no. That was ad-lib. They would have ad- Oh, no. That was ad-lib. They would have ad-libbed. That was an ad-lib. That's not in the script.

They probably would have gone off script. I'm not quite off book. That's an acting term. It means learned the words. It means learned the words. It's a really pretentious way of saying, I haven't done the one thing that an actor needs to do. Here I am, St. George, that worthy champion bold,

and with my sword and spear I won three crowns of gold. I fought the fiery dragon and brought him to the slaughter, and by that I won Fair Sabre, the king of Egypt's daughter.

Told you, James. Now where is that man who will me defy? I'll cut his giblets full of holes and make his buttons fly. As a threat, it gets less.

The Turkish knight re-enters. Oh, yeah? Here come I, the Turkish knight, and I've come from the Turkish land to fight. I'll fight St. George, you ish, my foe,

and I'll make him yield before I go. He brags to such a high degree and thinks that no one can do the likes of he. Where is the Turk that will before me stand? I'll cut him down with my courageous hand. And he does.

He strikes the knight and I, the knight, kneel before him. Oh, pardon me, St. George, pardon of thee I crave. Oh, pardon me this night and I will be thy slave. That's not very PC. No pardon will you have while I have foot to stand. O rise thee up again, and strike out sword in hand. And they fight again, and the Turkish knight is vanquished, which is the past for killed.

Yes, very brave of St. George to murder that man instead of showing him mercy. Yes, the man who had basically surrendered. But he's going, no, I think I'll have murder, please. And then a giant enters. I'll fill this. The giant voiced by me doing an impression of James Shakespeare. Good choice.

In I come, I, the giant. Behold, Perpin is my name, and all the nations round Do tremble at my fame Where'er I go they tremble at my sight No lord or champion Long with me will fight It's the face as well, it's uncanny Yeah, it's the face, it's exactly It's like looking into a mirror

No, it's the George again It was me, I was waiting for you to come in Here is one who dares to look thee in the face. I'll soon send thee to another place. Hoah! In comes me again. Father Christmas. Is there a doctor?

They'll know from the friendly voice. Is there a doctor to be found already near at hand to cure a deep and deadly wound and make a champion stand? Teleporter noise. Yes, there is a doctor to be found already near at hand to cure a deep and deadly wound and make a champion stand. What can you cure? This seems a bit similar to the last time the doctor appeared.

Everyone loves it. All sorts of diseases, whatever you pleases. The physic, the palsy and the gout. If the devil's in, I'll blow him out. And what is your 15 pounds? Same price. Same price as earlier. I just told you how much it was. 15 pounds

is my fee, the money to lay down. But as for such a rogue as thee, I'll cure thee for 10 pounds. Same joke. This is very Stuart Lee-like, the way he just does the same does the exact same routine in full, with no abbreviations. It even says Dr. Bruce's medicine again.

Even in the script, it says again, like the person transcribing is going like, again, yes, again. Again. I carry a little bottle of Alexopane. Here, Jack, take a little of this flip-flop and pour it down thy tip-top. Rise up and do not fight again. Do not fight again. And then I come up to the front to speak to you, the audience again.

Friendly. Now, ladies and gentlemen, your spot is most indeed. So prepare for the box which is hardly covered in dirt. The box which would speak if it had but a tongue. Come throw in your money and think it no wrong. That was almost too friendly for me to understand it. It just sort of chilled right through me. It's the bucket speech at the end, basically.

He comes in and says, I've got a box. Please put some money in it. Yes, of course. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Classic. So, yes, that was the Mummers play. A proper Christmas all-star cast there. All the Beatles, living and dead.

Yeah. All of them. Neil, you got Neil Iron. The Neil Iron. He hasn't been seen for four years since that business went under. He's on the run. Known to consult with one Scottish man. That's on the run. Known to consult

with one Scottish man. That's all the cops know. If we find, if we find Jamie Shakes, we find Ion. There's a board at Scotland Yard and it just has

just two people on it. One piece of red cotton. That's the thing little do they know. Like, the clue was there all along. If they do find Jamie Shake Shaft do they know. The clue was there all along. If they do find Jimmy Shickshaft,

they find Neil Ion. We Jimmy Shicks. We Jimmy Shickshaft. He had to have the real name though. Neil Ion, that's a name I haven't heard for a long time.

Neil Ion. I haven't heard that name for a long time. He's more machine than man now. he's more machine than man now obi-wan ion maybe she means old neil ion well we enjoyed that we enjoyed that a lot i loved it a lot the thing is the film wouldn't have been worse if he'd been called Neil Kenobi.

That's not a worse name than Ben Kenobi. It's just as good. It's a standard name. So, well, it's Christmas. It's Jesus's birthday. I hope you've got him something decent this year, because he was not happy last year. Or Jesus, wasn't he? Yeah, Jesus himself.

And I thought I'd update on Jesus Christ Serial Killer. At this time of year our thoughts turn to yep of course the second most deadly serial killer of all after the sea the sea the sea but i did a little bit more digging on this jesus christ character and i'll tell you what yeah what has he gone to ground what he's not as nice as everyone seems to say more more jesus christ murders yeah so jesus christ serial killer this is from i don't know how to pronounce this actually fonaby in lincolnshire f-o-n-a-b-y this is from look friend of the show law of the land it refers to a stone called sack

stone or stone sack sounds like it was sort of introduced itself like James Bond. The name's Sack, Stone Sack. No, that's not how James Bond talks, is it? No, he sounds more like, it's more of a Neil Ion kind of a character, James Bond, isn't he? Yeah, the name's Ion, Neil Ion. Do you expect me to talk or have to get Jamie? Jamie! Do you expect me to talk? I have to get Jamie. Jamie!

Do you expect me to pay by direct debit? Anyway, so the sack stone or the stone sack is a stack of three stones in this field near Fonerby. And they apparently look like a big sack of corn. And so what was happening back in the past christ himself was riding through lincolnshire on an ass now i learned earlier this year that um the animal ass is not pronounced in english yes i was there i remember yeah i remember that but in america right does the animal ass does that have the same name as the bum i i think so yeah yeah it's pronounced the same okay because i'm going

to talk about jesus's ass now i don't want to offend any americans no no we have offended enough americans and christians frankly in the course of the podcast i wouldn't want to make it any worse if you feel anything offensive coming up just try ander, veer into the French if you can. Okay, so Jesus, he's on his ass. He's in Lincolnshire. Do we know anything about the character of the ass? Was it a nice ass? It was a great ass.

And it was a hungry ass today. And Jesus saw some people sowing the corn, and he asked for some to feed his ass. Sorry. Yep. That seems reasonable. And the men said they didn't have any grain. Well, we've just seen you.

We've just seen you with grain. Jesus was like, well, what's in the sack? And one of the men went, stones. And Jesus said, stone be it, and magicked the sack into a big stone. He said his well-known catchphrase, stone be it. Stone be it. It's like I don't believe it in One Foot in the Grave. Stone be it.

That's the bit they leave out of the Water into Wine story. It was like, wine be it. To Lazarus, alive be it. If you to jesus and say stone be it it really irritates me sick of hearing his own catchphrase stone be it yeah and so the sack turned into stone there we go jesus christ serial killer and you might know you might think oh but james he hasn't killed any people in this story yeah yeah, that's a good point. He's just turned corn into stone. So you could say he was a serial killer. Because corn's a grain.

It's type of cereal. Never have I seen such an audacious pun set up. Is any of that story true? Or did you invent all of that just for the pun? Even the Neil Lyon stuff. Wow. Masterful work. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it.

Incredible. So, thinking about Jesus and how he liked to kill things got me thinking about that time he killed a load of pigs. Oh, yes. In the Bible. Is it apocrypha or is it full real Bible? This is he drove... Someone was plagued by demons.

Yes. Voices, and he put them in a pig and the pigs... And the pigs ran off a cliff. Ran off a cliff. I think that's canon Bible. Yeah, I just used the word canon there as if I was applying a comic book term to the Bible, not remembering that that is where that comes from. Oh, it reminded me that there's a whole bunch of ghost pigs from Dartmoor.

It's just a little, it's quite a sad little story. And it's just a little sort of segue into the final story of the evening. You always need a little bit of sentiment at Christmas, don't you? A sad little ghost story. It's the Catherine Briggs Dictionary of British Folk Tales is really good. At certain times of the year, an old sow and her little pigs can be seen walking across the moor at Medipit Hill on a dark and foggy night. And these pigs, they're really hungry. Their mum is taking them to Catergate, where they believe is a dead horse for them to eat.

The pigs believe that? Yes, the pigs believe that. Okay, so I just didn't know the story was going to be told from the perspective of the pigs. The reason that we know that is because the little piglets are saying, starving, starving.

They're saying that, are they? Yes, the ghost pigs are saying, starving, starving, and they're travelling across the moors. And their mum says, Catergate, Catergate, dead horse, dead horse, dead horse. And they travel through a place called

Runnage Bottom. Okay, all right, fair play. And they arrive at Cater catergate and and they find they're too late and only the skin and bones of the dead horse are left and how do we know just skin and bones left because the piglets cry skin and bones skin and bones oh and for some reason the the mom says let and lie let and lie the ghosts go back across the water mary pit hill and vanish into the darkness and fog there's a little sad story about some ghost pigs sad story full of quite specific details the last moments of a pig and some piglets that's very sad and there's also a dead horse chucked in for good but no sympathy for the dead horse the old guy the horse isn't a ghost the horse ghost isn't there being like, we play that.

Oi! Oi! This led me to another story and I think you'll see why. So, this ghost story... I hope this one has a happier ending, this being Christmas. This ghost story... How can a ghost pig story

have a happy ending? It's not possible. This is from Old Cornwall from 1934. It's the summer number This is from Old Cornwall from 1934. It's the summer number, so it sounds like it might be a periodical of some kind. There was an old cottage which belonged to an old couple who died

and they left their cottage in very bad repair. They only had one son who'd gone abroad to Australia or somewhere years and years before, never returned, so there was no one to leave it to. It fell into disrepair. Oh, it's very merry so far, this Christmas tale, James. After a while, the cottage was done up, new tenants moved in.

They found it, it says here, impossible to live here because of the weird sounds they'd hear at night. Weird sort of snuffling sounds. Could you do that again? Could you do the sound? Snuffling sounds. Could you do that again? Could you do the sound? Snuffling sounds. Terrifying. Terrifying.

How could you sleep through that? How could you sleep through that if that was going on in your house? You could not. No, they couldn't live there. So badly haunted was the cottage that they got the vicar in, and he couldn't do a thing. Because he's C of A, and it's not within their purview just have a biscuit with the ghost so they moved out really yeah they moved out and one day an old

stranger woman came through the village selling brooms and she heard of the haunted house and she was like i can lay this spirit i got this all i need is a fire, a table, a chair, a Bible, cannon. A Bible cannon for shooting the Bible at ghosts. Yeah, it's like a T-shirt. Like one of them T-shirt ones, but Bibles. It's like clay pigeon shooting for atheists. And some sewing or something. But yeah, and she was, so they gave her all the stuff

and she settled down. And then at midnight, in lurched a massive pig. And she put her hands on the holy book and she said, Satan, depart and let this spirit come back in its natural form. And the pig went out and a young man came back in. And when she said to speak in God's name, he told her a story. And the story was this. He was the ghost of the missing son of the old couple that had gone abroad because he'd gone abroad made his riches and he'd returned home but he

was so unrecognizable and for some reason dressed like he didn't have lots of money a pig oh okay yeah i guess a pig he went abroad he made his, but he came back as a furry and wasn't recognised by his family, tragically. And they said, but they put him up for the night, but they evidently got wind that he had a bit of cash. It's the classic old kid kill situation. It's the Penryn tragedy. This is the sequel to the Penryn tragedy right here. It's not so much the sequel as the exact same story as the Penryn tragedy,

but in a different locale. Yeah, but we're seeing what happened to the guy who turned into a ghost pig for some reason. Oh, we're seeing him turn into a pig ghost. It's Penryn II,

the pig-ening. Penryn II, big pig. Or it would be called Big Pig and then small letters Penryn II, the pig-ening.

Ghost in the pig city. Pig ghost in the city? Don't know. He said, come and see where my bones lie and gather them and put them and bury them in consecrated ground and he'll trouble the place no more in the format of a ghost pig and so he showed the old lady where it was and she was thought i'm not going to dig these up now i'm going to come back and do them in the morning i'm going to leave a thimble there she marks the spot with a thimble, went off, came back, moved the bones, put them in the churchyard

and then the cottage was no more bothered by a big pig anymore. And that's the end of that tale. So it's kind of a happy ending. Well, hold on a minute. Hold on. Any questions? Yes. I have many questions. Go on. She's told where the bones lie and then says,

well, I won't dig them up right now. I'll leave a thimble there. And then that never comes back. And then she just finds the thimble and then digs them up and that's not important at all to the story no no it's mentioned but it's not important yeah you could have just maybe skipped over that section of the story and it would be fine she felt the need to include the thimble maybe she's very proud of the thimble i'm not blaming you james that's the that couldn't be further from my mind i wanted to one of the thimble. I'm not blaming you, James. That couldn't be further from my mind. I wanted to honour the thimble. It's her I have an issue with.

Maybe she's mentioning it because for tax reasons, she needs to claim against that thimble. Those are the they. Two very tenuously festive stories about pigs there, James. Exactly. Christmas pig. It's that well-known phrase, Christmas pig. Your catchphrase. It's the answer to everything. Christmas pig. Yeah, it's that well-known phrase, Christmas pig. Your catchphrase.

It's the answer to everything. Christmas pig. It's the stone beard of the podcast. Where you say, Christmas pig. And I presume all the listeners will say, Christmas pig, in the same voice. Well, James, what a lovely story of sad pigs. Sad pig.

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas if I didn't pass judgment on you in some way. Mm-hmm. So I think it's time for the scores. Yes. Okay, then. Names. What was the name of that town that the pigs went through? Runnage Bottom.

Runnage Bottom. That's a delightfully Rick Malian town name. Could you say it in the voice of Neil Irons? So they travelled on through Runnage Bottom. Going starving, starving. Honestly, I think it might be five out of five just for Runnage Bottom. I think it should be. I don't just for Runnage Bottom. I think it should be. I don't think I've heard a better place name before.

No, I never had. Yep. And that's why I told the story of the pigs, so I get to say Runnage Bottom. I now see in retrospect, the whole of this has been contrived so that you could say that place name. The whole classic Christmas pig ruse. Christmas pig. And Christmas pig ruse. Christmas pig.

And Christmas pig to you too. Yeah, it's five out of five. I don't need to hear the other names, because the other names were just George and the King of Egypt. What's the next category? Well, Supernatural. Okay, well, St. George is brought back to life three times by a doctor

yep with a big pill and i don't think that is real medicine i don't think squeezing a pill into and we don't know how but i'm assuming up the bum um that's not real medicine that's magic dragons dragons are impossible science says no no no giants are unnatural how tall are you people point out how tall i am all the time, so it can't be normal. Are you just repeating what you hear on the playground? Well, you know, you don't have to lean into it and live up a beanstalk. And eat babies. You don't have to own a goose and a harp that talk.

My natural laugh is ho, ho, ho. You don't have to own a giant pea farm. Wear a sort of big leaf body off the shoulder. You don't have to do any of this stuff. But I do. You invite it. You don't have to dress like a 1970s wrestler, but with leaves. What was the category?

Supernatural. Supernatural. And then we've got a smorgasbord of ghostly pigs. Yeah, you've got one big ghostly pig and a litter of little ghost pigs. What better bit of supernatural magic than Stonebeard? Stonebeard, yep, which is both magic as an act and magic as a catchphrase. Just an absolutely magic dynamite catchphrase. Yeah, I think it's four out of five.

Yes. I think it's a strong four. That's good. Four out of five. So I start with five, four, and then it should be three. Uh-oh. And then two, but based on the Christmas song format. Next category, Stone Be It.

This is a chat agree. Yeah, well, how many stones were there being it? This is a chat agree. Yeah, well, how many stones were there being it? See, I see what I've done here is you said you were going to go down from five

to four to three and I've picked a category of stones where there are three stones. And I hate to do it to you,

James. I hate to do it to you, but I know what you do if the roles were reversed. You know, if you were in my shoes

you do exactly the same thing it's three out of five yeah i know five four three uh-oh so it's not looking good for the next category it is the final chat agree i'm winding up to picture two if i were a cartoon playing baseball ready to knock this out of the park, though, with Last of the Mummer's Swine. That is an excellent category. Last of the Mummer's Swine. James, you've done it again. It's Inky Swamp Boy's take. Inky Swamp Boy, you've done it again.

He has sorted us right out. But in the edit, James will get full credit for that. Yeah, I'm going to take that one. Now, for Americans... Please explain. For Americans who haven't stopped listening because of the Jesus's ass thing... Our version of Christianity is a sitcom called... Last of the Summer Wine.

It was set in the Peak District. I think so, yeah. They did a classic British sitcom thing of not thinking they were going to make that many. So they cast very old men in the lead roles. And now it became a massive runaway hit. And by runaway, you mean sort of rolling down the side of a hill. Yeah, in a bath. That happened minimum once a series.

It's the kind of thing that you might think you could only do once in a sitcom. Yeah. It's the kind of thing that you think they can't do that more than once. Yes. Oh, you're wrong think they can't do that more than once yes oh you're wrong they can't it's like if every other week Fonzie found himself

on a pair of skis by the shark tank if Del Boy fell through the bar in every episode of Only Fools and Horses because it's really funny to do that a character usually the same one

would slide down a hill in a bath and it was funny it was very funny nobody is saying it wasn't funny yeah and it was funny it was it was very fun nobody is saying it wasn't funny yeah and it was called last of the summer wine hence the pun and that summer wine lasted 50 years too long i know our sitcoms have a reputation for not lasting that long well take it up with last of the summer wine they had the main deal with that shady swiss uh medical facility

that replaces all the footballers blood just so they could keep their main stars going for a bit. I think I'd love to give you a two, but it's five out of five. It's got to be for the last of the mama swine. It's got two. It's got, cause it's got two puns, swine because pigs,

but also mamas because that excellent play that we put on for everyone. Great play. That was a great play. No matter how edited down, it will appear in the final. No matter what you remember, that was a great play no matter how edited down it will appear in the no matter what you remember that was a great play that was a great it's a technique magicians use but they reframe something that's happened in the past to make it more impressive what a great play the other technique they use is stone be it not as consistently effective well james i think all

that remains is for me to say a big Christmas pig to you. Christmas pig. Christmas pig to all the law folk. Well, Neil Ion, you have been hiding his light under a bushel, James. Yeah. What a character. What I'm trying to do is spin him off into his own ionosphere. I've already conceived of a whole Neil Ion spin-off podcast.

He'd be called Ion Man. Ion Man. If you've enjoyed this Christmassy Christmas pig, then you can support us by going to patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. Yes, and you can enjoy extra treats, like bonus episodes from our Maric episode the other week, all the other guests, loads of bonuses, and a badge, Christmas Pig. And Neil blesses everyone.

Oh. Before I interrupt you, someone is asking for a Christmas David Lynch impression. Oh, would you want to do King Egypt then as Lynch? Shall I do the King of Egypt as David Lynch? Here I am, the King of Egypt, so boldly do appear. St. George, St. George, walk in. My only son and heir, walk in, my son St. George, and boldly act thy part so that all people here

may see thy wondrous heart nice little cameo that was what it would sound like if David Lynch was shouting was shouting in a mummer's play he's shouting at a beetle these are not the droids you're looking for