Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep92: Loremen S3 Ep92 - The Midnight Library - Marsden Grotto

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

It's a festive crossover! Alasdair and James have been spirited away by the Midnight Library’s Miranda Merrick. Where better to spend the festive interregnum twixt Christmas and New Year than nipping down the pub for a cheeky ale and a packet of beef clippings? Who cares if the pub in question is Miranda’s creepy local, The Broom and Fang? This time, the boys have to sing for their supper, with dynamite tales of smuggling, treachery and… revenge. Marsden Grotto in South Shields, a drinking establishment located in a hollowed-out cliff, is a cave-based boozer. A speleological hostelry. The ultimate hole-in-the-wall. And, yes, it’s haunted. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod @JamesShakeshaft | @MisterABK

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And James, once again, you and I have been drawn into the mysterious world of the Midnight Library. Yeah, we've been whisked away. Whisked. Thoroughly whisked. Very whisked. In fact, our story begins with you and I en route to the Broom and Fang pub.

Yeah, as they say in France, en route. En route. James, I don't want to alarm you, but we seem to be in a coach of some kind. Did you read the invitation properly? What invitation? From Miranda Merrick. She's invited us to the Broom and Fang. I think I might have just said yes for both of us. Oh, thanks, James. Are you getting bitten?

Yes. Stop that, James. No, these fleas, they're quite big and they're quite old, so they've got no teeth. So I'm just, I'm kind of just getting love bites. Yeah. That one's wearing a top hat. Whoa. It's going to a stop, James. Let's go and assume that it's been paid for.

Yeah, hold on. I'll get the door for you. Thank you. Gentlemen, watch out for the puddle. Thank you. Of what I assume is water. It's a real yellow water. It's everywhere.

Is that the Broom and Fang? The Broom and Fang pub. That's a big bouncer, though. They never look as bouncy as I hope. I don't think I've ever seen a bouncer that I really wanted to be bounced by. That's the tragedy of the bouncer. They can never bounce themselves. Oi, gents, what's a password?

Is there a password? I've got an idea. Okay. Yeah. Password, but the A is a four. He's not giving anything away on his face, but... I don't think he can. I'm not sure that is a face.

Eh, close enough. Oh, the door's opening. Let's get off these wet, urine-soaked shoes. Over here, gentlemen. Over here. James, it's Miranda Merrick. Step right this way, gentlemen. Just jump over the pit of vipers. You'll be fine. And now let's jump over the pit.

Welcome to the Broom and Fang, gentlemen. How are you this evening? And let me say how kind it was of you to accept my invitation. I've been in lockdown so long I'm up for any pub, to be honest. Does it have a QR code? Won't you please have a seat? Be careful not to sit on Irma. She's so tiny. Irma, would you like to say hello to the nice gentleman?

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hiya. Sit still, be a good girl. Gentlemen, I've taken the liberty of ordering a plate of cheeses for you And just a little bit of normal water Okay, are any of the cheeses vegan or should I just stick to the normal water? This is the sort of place where we need to check the water's vegan, if I'm honest

I'm sure they're at least a percentage vegan I've never been more jealous of your veganism, honestly No, go on, James, Do you not want to be rude? I'll just have this cracker that seems to have hair. Don't let it wiggle away from you. Get it quickly. Mmm. Very good. Mmm. Delicious. I'm sorry Mr. Darling's

not with us just at the moment, but he will join us. He's helping his brother in the kitchen and Mr. Darling's other brother is the bouncer that you encountered at the dinner. Yeah, no, you can definitely see the family resemblance. You can smell the family resemblance. But the Darling's all right to work in a kitchen?

Absolutely. Probably quite a big hairnet that they'd have to wear, isn't it? It's body size. It has a zipper. Full-on hazmat suit. Yeah, good. There's a mushroom dish here that Alistair may like. Yeah, you should eat that right now. They're the red and white. The amanita type.

Fly agarics. They're especially fly agaric here in the Broom and Fang. For an agaric guy. Or I'll just eat a corner of a mushroom, but if I change size, so help me. There are just some

wonderful offerings here at the Broom and Fang. There is the Chupacabra Chimichanga that they do, which is, oh, just out of this world. There's also a kumquat compote that I cannot get enough of. How are you spelling compote?

It doesn't matter. Here comes our gentleman. Here's our Mr Darling. Hello, Mr Darling. Hello, Mr Darling. Greetings, gentlemen. Apologies for being late. I have to help out to the kitchen, you see. James was absolutely loving the cheese just before you

got here. I don't know if you could hear that or see it in his face. Yeah, you could see the cheese in my face. Oh, you've enjoyed it then. He's loving the cheese. In the kitchen, my brother and I like Yeah, you could see the cheese in my face. Oh, you've enjoyed it then. He's loving the cheese. In the kitchen, my brother and I like to lick the surfaces of the cheese. Mmm. Mmm.

It gets the salt to stick, you see. What's that smell? Irma. Oh, that wasn't Irma, darling. Their food's arrived. I don't want to be that guy, but I think there's a wolf hair in my soup. Well, it is wolf hair soup.

My mouth feels itchy. I would just lock out about three hours for some loo time tomorrow afternoon. While your food is cooling, why don't you gentlemen entertain the table with a story that you're so famous for? Should we tell them about a pub, Alistair, while we're in a pub? I've got more than a haunted pub, actually. What? On the northeast coast, I've got a haunted grotto cum gastro pub. Oh.

Have I heard of this one? Is this the one that's in, is it in a cave? It is a cave. I'm talking about Marsden Grotto. Yes. It's a seaside pub, isn't it? It's a coastal cave that was transformed into a restaurant and latterly into a pub haunted by the blood-curdling screams

of a treacherous smuggler. There's like a couple of famous cave pubs in the UK. There's Ye Olde Road to Jerusalem in Nottingham, which is one of the many pubs that claims to be the oldest pub in Britain. Oh yeah? And yes, Marsden Grotto, if I remember rightly, it started out as just a sort of dent in

a cliff, until in 1782, a chap called Jack Bates came along with a load of dynamite. It's the oldest story of all. Yeah. Man meets cliff. Basically, he turned a small hollow in a cliff into a house

using only the power of dynamite. It's so rare that dynamite turns something into a house, isn't it? Normally, you start with a house and dynamite, and at the end, you have neither a house nor dynamite well it's like michelangelo never said all you need to do is chip away at the stone that doesn't look like david using dynamite i think people visualizing a house might be visualizing something a little fancier than what this guy whose nickname was jack the blaster yeah achieved in the write-ups i've read he says that that he basically didn't have

a house to live in. He didn't like paying rent. He just had a load of dynamite and a dream. And he made himself his own house that he didn't have to pay rent in because it wasn't a house. In a way, it was a cave. And then he became a smuggler. Of course, as one often does

on the northeast coast. It's really one of the few careers that are principally cave-based. Yeah. Smuggling. Cave artist, but that has really died out. Yeah, cave painter. Or being a bear. So then a guy called Peter Allen came along.

What I noticed about the Wikipedia page on this was it seemed to have changed hands a number of times, and each owner seems to have a paragraph, and every paragraph basically ends with the words before falling into disrepair and then someone else got it it's hard to keep a cave in good repair how can you tell peter allen though i noticed him because he was described as a local man a scotsman but local a local scotsman a local scotsman your friendly local scotsman. Your friendly local Scotsman. Peter Allen continued excavations and turned it into a restaurant in the 19th century. In the process of doing that, he discovered no less than 18 skeletons.

Yikes. Yeah. What, in the rock? That's not bad. Those are fossils. The impression I get is that there were several caves in the area that had been used by your friend and mine, smugglers. Jack the Blaster and his gang. Who had, to a great extent,

died in the caves. Minimum 18. 18 min smugglers had died. So maybe it's minimum 19 because there's definitely one other body there. Because that's the body that gives it its ghost. There was another Jack. Jack the Jibber. Or Jack

the Jiber? I'd say Jibber. How would you say it? J-I-B-B-E-R. Also called John, but of course Jack is a diminutive of John. Jack the Jibber. And I've never actually seen this guy called Jack the Jibber and... John the Jibber, Jack the Jibber. Jack is a diminutive of John. Is it the Union John then, the flag?

That's what its mum says if it's in trouble. Yeah, so at some point this other smuggler called Jack, Jack the Jibber, betrayed his smuggling gang to the HM Customs and then was killed by them. They put him in a barrel. His gang, not by Customs. Yes, yes, good point.

They put him in a barrel and hung him up the cliff and just left him there. Oh. David blamed him. Oh. They totally blamed him. Wow. And I bet Americans that were watching were really impressed

and were like, whoa, oh my, oh what, no. Whereas had any English people seen it, they would have been like, all right, do another one. In the true story of David Blaine in the see-through box, someone managed to get a remote control helicopter to airlift a burger in front of his face just to tease him. Well, that account comes from... Not of David Blaine.

Not of David Blaine's burger taunting, but of John the Gibber. That account comes from a book called The World's Greatest Ghosts by, not going to lie, Blundell and Roger Ball. Okay, Nigel Blundell and Roger Ball. Roger Ball? Is that Roger Ball with a cold? It's a poor sign, Roger Ball. Okay, Nigel Blundell and Roger Ball. Roger Ball? Is that Roger Ball with a cold?

It's a porcine Roger Ball. And it's a very, very short passage in that book. That book was printed in the 80s. I thought, this might be a modern legend. And so I dug and dug until I found a 19th century text. And 18 skeletons. So the Monthly Chronicle of North Country Law and Legend, they

talk extensively about Marsden Grotto, about all the different rooms that were created by Peter Allen, including the jail room and the devil's chamber. And they tell a story of not exactly the same cave, but nearby caves.

I think some of the caves have been smooshed together in the telling. So there's a nearby cave called the Smuggler's Hole, as well as another called the Hairy Man's Cave. Yeah, you don't want to get that mixed up. Quick aside, I'll just read you the account of the Hairy Man's Cave. No offence, Mr. Darling. You just have to know if that's the kind of pub you want to go into first. Apparently, a young sailor who had been disappointed in love took up his

abode in the hairy man's cave, which presumably at that time was just called the cave. He clothed himself in skins and he let his beard grow long and lived the life of a hermit in every way. He was known by the people as Peter Allen's Hairy Man. Hey! Is this another

ornamental hermit? He's an ornamental hermit. But one night he had a very narrow escape from drowning, after which he left his wild mode of living and returned to his old avocation of a sailor. So it's kind of the sea came to have a word. I want you back. I've missed you, hairy man. I'm the North Sea.

I'm the most Northern Sea. How can a sea smoke twenty a day? It ought not to be possible, but I've done it. I'm so briny. I miss you. How can the North Sea have a Mancunian accent? It doesn't seem right. It's the wrong side.

But we know what accent the Irish Sea has. Oh, go on. An Irish accent. Here's the story that the Chronicle of North Country Lore and Legend tells. They don't name John or Jack the Jibber. Do they mention his jibbing? Jibbing doesn't come up, but lugging does. So, sit tight.

A certain noted smuggler had arranged for a lugger to discharge its cargo on the shore. As the time arrived at night that the vessel ought to be approaching the comet and a signal shone from the cave to indicate safety, a man long suspected of treachery, as John the Diver, was missing. So, to warn the person who's about to land the boat, one of the smugglers fires his gun in the air and lets his dogs off barking. The Coast Guard, who mysteriously were nearby, come down to check it out, but of course there's no boat to be seen.

The boat sails off north towards Shields. So the next morning, the Coast Guard pounce on the boat, expecting to find all of the goods that ought to have been dropped off earlier on, and they found 30 casks of tobacco?

No, of bilge water. Oh. Yeah, the clever smugglers have been smuggling bilge water. Unloaded the tobacco elsewhere. Fancy European bilge water.

My grandad wouldn't have it. Wouldn't have it. Too foreign. So they swapped it out. So they swapped it out. Once again, in this version of the story, the smuggler who attempted to betray the gang was caught, placed in a tub, and hauled up by a rope underneath the hole through

which they entered the cave. Oh. And just left him hanging. He was only let down once a day to receive some scant food and the jibes of his mates. It's just... It's the classic lunch and insults break. I had a job like that, to be honest. Is that the one where they came up

with cruel nicknames for you? Yep. Weirdly, I mean, that's a terrible way of starving someone, feeding them daily. It is. It seems that they continued that tradition beyond the grave of Jake the Gibber. Jake now? Or Jack the Gibber.

No, let's not get a new name in. Jack the Gibber. His ghost is said to haunt the pub, the Marsden Grotto. And in the past, a pint was left out every night for him, which in the morning it was drunk. Kind of like a smuggling Santa. Oh, I like that, yeah. If you will.

Now, I read about this, and a person came and drank this, the ghost's pint. James, James, James, let me stop you. Some guy drank the pint. Oh, James, you are insulting not just me, but all the people of the northeast of England. And not for the first time.

How dare you refer to Alan Robson as some guy. Alan Robson is a radio broadcaster from the northeast of England, and he is also... Alan Robson, you flashing ble Alan Robson is a radio broadcaster from the northeast of England, and he is also, Alan Robson, you're flashing bleared. That's his catchphrase. I'm sure I've mentioned him on the podcast before. You're flashing bleared.

That does ring a bell. I think I asked for clarity on what that meant, and I don't think I got it. And he hosted a show called Night Owls, which was a late-night call-in show for years. And when we were teenagers, it was, Alan Robson, you're flashing bleared. Everyone began their story with the words, what it it is is Alan always two is's otherwise you're not

listening to night owls what it is is Alan and then it would be a story about how they got crabs every single time I thought he'd moved into the supernatural many of the stories that didn't relate to crabs were about ghosts I'm sure some of them must have been about both ghosts and crabs. Ghost crabs. And so, yeah, he came and drank the pint on a live radio show. You can't stop him because he's a flashing blade. What does that... Is he saying that someone's... It means he's your flashing

blade, James. Oh, he's... I'm your flashing blade and that's... Yeah, Alan Robson, you're flashing blade. Oh, I'm Alan Robson. I thought it was like, you're flying low kind of thing, you know. It's not advice. Flashing blade. Okay, I'll pop it away. James, you're flashing blade.

Well, Alan Robson, you're flashing blade, MBE. Some guy. Yeah, so he drank from the tanker during a live radio show, and that set off a series of supernatural retributions. To him? To the pub. Ah, nice. Ashtrays smashed off the walls. This is a pub in the northeast. These him? To the pub. Ah, nice. Ash trays smashed off the walls.

This is a pub in the northeast. These things aren't that rare. Yeah, I was going to say, that dates it as being in the past. Yeah. All the beer taps were turned on in the cellar, completely flooding it. With beer?

With beer. And bilge water, no doubt. But this tankard was lost, and they've got a reproduction that they don't use. They just have it in a cupboard. They've just got a cup in a cupboard now, whereas they used to have this tradition. And has that kept the

ghost happy? Well, there were a couple of current hauntings. There's the noise of rattling chains. And the article I read that described the rattling chains basically seemed to say the chains rattle on the left side of the bar, but the chains are kept on the right hand side. bar, but the chains are kept on the right-hand side. So they've got chains in the bar.

And bare footprints were seen on the ground, as in B-A-R-E. Thank you for clarifying. That would be paw prints, obviously. Although, Peter Allen did keep pigs. He had two pigs. Did he? Yeah, Jesse and Jack. Or John to his friend.

To give the pig its full name. Wowzers. Whoa, what is that? Oh, that? That is a flaming villager's head on a stick. Yes, yes. It is indeed. I need to go home now.

Well, we should mention the lift. It really dominates. If you see a picture of the Marsden Grotto now, it's very much dominated by... 90% lift. ...this gigantic lift shaft. But obviously, because it's on a cliff side, you really need to build out from the cliff to get straight

down. So it's a very long walkway. It looks terrifying. Because I'm pretty sure that area of the country really gets hit by storms. You want to be skeleton number 20 just trapped in the lift and only let down once a day to have people take the mickey out of you.

Wow. Brilliant, gentlemen. Do you think we've gotten away with not eating our dinner? Oh, I love the story. It reminds me of an old saying. There is not a problem on Earth that cannot be solved with a careful application of high explosives. In that case, the problem of there not being a pub in the cliff. Very swiftly solved

with dynamite. Yes. My word, gentlemen, what a story you have provided us with this evening. Well, if you're ready for scores, our first category is naming. Wonderful. I certainly remember Jack the Blaster.

Didn't you once date a demon named Jack the Blaster? I'm sure you date a demon named Jack the Blaster? I'm sure you're misremembering that, darling. I have no recollection of it. I doubt that. I arranged the date. Jack the Jibber? Yep, we've got a second Jack available. So we have a Blaster

and a Jibber. What is a Jibber? I don't know. It seems too close to my mispronunciation of Jibbit. Is it Gibbit or Jibbit? It's Jibbit. It seems too close to my mispronunciation of gibbet. Is it gibbet or gibbet? It's gibbet. It seems too close to gibbet, considering what happens to him. It's almost like a nominative determinism. I do love a good gibbeting. It's like aging a tasty side of beef.

So, so far, we have a blaster and a gibber. You've got Peter Allen's Hairy Man. Peter Allen's Hairy Man, The Smuggler's Hole, The Hairy Man's Cave. My word. All good pub names and also Devil and Tondras, which are the best pub names.

You've got Alan Robson. You're Flashing Bleed. You're Flashing Bleed. Yeah. MBE. I've always visualised him as Zorro. Have you Googled him? No, I've never seen him

and I never want to see him, James. So he's a Zorro type. In that Zorro's, James. Oh, so he's a Zorro type? Zorro's a human man. Yeah, he is a Zorro type. He's like a Geordie Zorro. Yes. Zorro. Zorra. There's no Zorra in Durham. Zorra. Oh, you're flashing blood.

Well, it is a nice selection of names. I have heard better. What do you think, Mr. Darling? Oh, I'd give it a good four marks, I would. Oh, my. Jack, you can never go wrong with. It have heard better. What do you think, Mr. Darling? No, I'd give it good four marks, I would. Oh, my. Jack, you can never go wrong with. It goes with anything. But that bodes well for a later category. Yeah, it does.

Don't blow it. What's the next category? Should we go supernatural? Yeah, let's do supernatural. I got a feeling they're going to have quite a high tolerance for supernaturality. Yeah. Bear in mind, most people don't experience the haunting cries of a suspended smuggler ghost day in, day out.

That's quite unusual. Or leaving a pint of booze for a nighttime visitor. Well, I do appreciate the shenanigans in the pub, but I cannot stand or abide by wasting beer. Well, it got drunk by some thing. The ceremonious smashing of ashtrays. Yes, again, I don't agree with that, because I'm the one who usually has to clean that up.

That's actually, we didn't really put a human face on that. Again, I don't know if face is the right word. Sorry again, Mr Darling. Apologies. Oh, what's going on over there? Sorry again, Mr. Darling. Apologies. Ooh, what's going on over there? That's our Natasha chugging an entire jug of guest guts goulash. I need to go home now.

I definitely need to go home now. Well, you did have 18 skeletons. Now that's... 18? That's quite low. But that's still a good number to bring to a story. I do have questions about this arrangement

for the man spending his time in the barrel. I love that he was lowered down in order to be fed and hoisted back up again. I never heard anything about any bathroom bricks for the gentleman. That's probably what the teasing focused on, I should imagine. I think it's almost supernatural that they managed to starve someone by feeding them daily. Yep. That's got to count for something.

So do we have official ghosts in the store? There's a man who wanders around the pub at night. It's mainly a sound ghost, isn't it? The sound of screams. Of a barralled man. I would love to be more impressed with your ghosts and your supernatural category. I would love for her to be more impressed with it as well. I don't know, Mr. Darling, what do you think?

I'm hovering around a very, very generous two. Give them a two and a half then. Do you accept partial points? We do not accept. Oh, then it's a solid two then. This story sounds like it's rife with number two. All right, a two. Fair enough.

Okay. Extreme makeover. Oh, dear. Now, there you may have my attention, because I have been able to view the before and after pictures, and yes, it was definitely transformed to a rather posh establishment. There's so many extreme makeovers originally jack the blaster extremely made over a cliff into a house yep using the most extreme form of renovation you

can dynamite yeah this is like a good pitch for one of those tv shows like extreme makeovers jack has three hours to turn a cliff into a house. They extremely made over Jack the Gibber from a treacherous smuggler to a ghost. Yep, they did. That is pretty extreme. Honestly, check out the lift. That is an extreme lift. Before the lift, I wonder if they hoisted people up in barrels.

The closest is they said the barrel was near where the lift is, which just means in the air. People in the North East will do anything to get to the pub, yes. Just be lower, down to the beach in a barrel. Just run us down there. I'm going to push you for a score for the category of Extreme Makeover. Extreme. You can hardly get more extreme than dynamite.

My goodness. What do you think, darling? All things considered, I give it a hearty five. Oh, good boy. It's everything I like at a place. I think also we've come up with a new phrase to sell dynamite. Dynamite makes a cliff a hoe. You can have

that, the dynamite board. James, I hope you've got a really good final category in your back pocket there. Okay. You're looking tense. Final category, Jacks. James! Jacks. We should have discussed the categories beforehand.

Quite a lot of Jacks in this story. Yeah. Jack is such a famous British name. I've got a list of famous British Jacks just to kind of bolster up this score. We've got Jack. You've got the Giant Killer. You've got O'Lantern. You've got Of list of famous British Jacks, just to kind of bolster up this score. We've got Jack... You've got the Giant Killer. You've got O'Lantern. You've got Of France.

Yes. You've got The Buttermilk. Jack Badsaddle, who killed the last wolf in England. Sorry, Mr. D. Urgh. You've got Anjil. Jack Anjil. Fun fact, it was originally Jack and Gil I learned today.

It was two fellas. Same problem with Gibbet Gibbet. Yes. It's not Gak by any chance. It's not Gak and Gil, it's Jack and Gil. Are you becoming a ventriloquist? Gak and Gil. I think it's this cheese.

There's Jack the Giant, which I think in the court case between him and Jack the Giant Killer, that must have been a right old mess. Didn't we have a pig called Jack in the actual story, there was a even if one of the pigs was called jack yes what how many more jacks do you want that is quite a lot of jack i am a little disappointed there weren't more actual jacks in the story but i mean oh dear i mean some of this category may have been based on james's misapprehension that one of the characters was called jack the jibber not john the jibber characters was called Jack the Jibber. Not John the Jibber. He's called John the Jibber.

But fortunately, I think we can pass him off as a Jack. I'm between three and four once again. What do you think? I'm more of the generous side. I would give it a rousing good four. I'm in a holiday spirit myself. It's Christmas. Tis indeed.

It's Boxing Day. What are they called, Boxing Day in America? We don't have Boxing Day. What are they called, Boxing Day, in America? We don't have Boxing Day. They don't have Boxing Day in America. I believe it's called Unboxing Day. It is very popular on YouTube. Do you hear that, Nago? It's time.

We're being summoned, gents. There's a sacrificial dance and demon wrestling and a blood dip if you'd like to join in. Yes, it's going to be great fun. For us. I think we'll just stay seated. Yep. And not blood dipped, thanks. Yes.

Well, be that way, boar men. Have a good night. Well, you sure know how to cut a guest's skin rug, Mr. Darling. Well, with twice as many feet, I do have double the moves, you know. What have our guests gone to?

Wow, before I went into a trance, I saw Big Lou literally wiping the floor with Mr. Shake Shaft. He looked like a rag doll. And Mr. Beckett King announced to the entire pub that he was going to marry a hairy dragon. The Promen Fag doesn't have a hairy dragon. I know. Now, how about I drive you back to the library? Madam, I should be chauffeuring you. Yes, but if I drive, you can stick your head out the window.

Sold. So do you remember much of what happened this time? I have like a shame hangover. Did you see my dance partner? Big Lou? Yes, Big Lou from the League of Lady Gravediggers. I said, I'm not good at dancing. I've got two left feet. And she started bragging about how many bits of body she had in her loft.

But I think I'm pregnant. But in a non-problematic way. My evening was fine. I think I shrank down really small and went into the caverns underneath the broom and fan. As far as I could see, you sat in the corner with your coat on. I seem to remember using my hair to floss the teeth of a giant hellmouth, but in a non-problematic way. Okay. You have been listening to A Crossover Between Lawmen

and the Midnight Library, with me, Alistair Beckett-King, and me, James Shake Shaft, plus Miranda Merritt, and Mr Darling. Well, I enjoyed what I can remember of that, James. Yeah, I feel like it was nice to get out of the house for a bit. Yeah. Feel people are offering me their seat more. Is that normal?

For someone in your way, yes. If you celebrate Christmas, I hope you had a happy one. Yeah. And if you don't... Sorry about that. At least there's different telly. And I could wee in a policeman's helmet if I so wanted. Is that a feature of pregnancy?

Yeah, fun fact. What, that pregnant women are allowed to wee in a policeman's helmet if I so wanted. Is that a feature of pregnancy? Yeah, fun fact. What, that pregnant women are allowed to wee in a policeman's helmet? There's no way that is true. Yep. Okay, then. Right, I'm Googling. Why would it be a law that you can wee in a policeman's helmet? Why would they legislate?

It's clearly not true. Okay, the law has now been in most places overruled by local laws that makes it an offense to urinate in public so are you saying it was so what was the law a pregnant woman may request to urinate in a police officer's helmet but he is probably not going to apply it's the guardian article so what was the original law was it i can't believe that that would have been the law. It is legal for a pregnant woman to relieve herself

anywhere she likes, including a policeman's helmet. But not now. I'm getting onto net mums now, so, I mean, we're really going down the rabbit hole. Well, pregnant people,

you've missed your chance. That window has closed. It is... PC gone mad. He would as well.