Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep97: Loremen S3 Ep97 - Jenny Collier - The Dream of Maxen Wledig, Valentine's Special

Episode Date: February 10, 2022

Why, it's Valentine's times again! (Valentimes.) The Loremen welcome Welsh Romance correspondent Jenny Collier back to the show, with tales of kings, prophetic dreams and gold. Gold. GOLD! Too much gold? Maaaybe, yeah. This episode will also furnish you with a brand new euphemism for the downstairs area, and tell you where to buy the best horse bum leather. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, do you know what's in the air? Coronavirus. Oh, get over it. Sorry. It's love that's in the air. Love. Yes, love. You meant

love. Of course I meant love. It's nearly Valentine's. It's Valentine in his day. Or it's just been Valentine's or it is actual Valentine's, depending on when you listen to this. It means Jenny's back, right? Yeah, it does. We got Jenny Collier out of a suspended animation box. Is it a box? Is she in suspended animation or is she a tortoise who's been hibernating? It's the same thing. And what happened next, James? The government banned us from keeping her as a pet? She told us the story of...

Oh, yeah. Max and Ledyg. Welsh and romance and Welsh romance correspondent, Deputy Lawperson Jenny Collier. Welcome back. Hello. That's hello in Welsh. Hello. Hello Jenny Collier. Welcome back. Hello. That's hello in Welsh. Hello.

Hello. Bore da. Bore na hounda. Nos da. Cariad. What are you saying? What's going on? I said, hello, goodnight, friend.

Oh, I should have said it in my friendly voice, my now patented friendly voice, which you probably don't know about, Jenny, and will frighten you. I want to hear it. Say cariad in a friendly voice, which you probably don't know about, Jenny, and will frighten you. I want to hear it. Say cariad in a friendly voice. Cariad! So friendly! So friendly!

Welcome back to the podcast, Jenny. Welcome back, Jenny. Thanks so much for having me back. What's been happening? We've not heard from you for a full year. It is a full year, isn't it? Well, I here in barnes last time i think i spoke to you really lovely area there's swans on the roundabout swans on the roundabout yeah yeah what trapped there no no they're just like they've got more authority than i have this is a sad sad scenario you're describing do we have to explain what a roundabout is for american listeners a merry-go-round

no the the traffic thing around about the other kind of roundabout because they just have Roundabout is for American listeners. A merry-go-round. No, the traffic thing around about, the other kind of roundabout, because they just have crossings with lights, whereas we have more of a wee element to crossings. A deferential sort of, oh, no, of course, you, sir. No, you, sir. Oh, I couldn't possibly. A left turn.

Well, if you want to. Oh, go on, take it. Well, me and Jenny are teaming up to tell you, Alistair, the tale of the dream of Maxon Weldegg. What? Is that the full name of it? The dream of Maxon Weldegg. What?

Maxon Wledegg. At the end, you have to go slightly off mic and sayledig. What? Maxson Wledig. At the end, you have to go slightly off mic and say, what? What? I got that wrong, didn't I, Jenny? Not that far off. What's his name? Maxson Wledig. Maxson Wledig.

The L, it threw me because it's W-L-E. Wledig. Whereas I'm more used to an L coming quite far away from a W. Maxson Wledig. I dreamt about this last night. I dreamt about doing this and I spoke, my sleep app picked me up saying Maxen, but I said Moxen. But in your sleep, you recorded yourself saying Maxen Wledig. What?

You actually recorded that. That's incredible. Do you know, have you heard of Maxen Wig. What? It actually recorded that. That's incredible. Have you heard of Max and Ledig before? I hadn't until this particular research session. Had you heard of him, Alistair? I'm not sure I have heard of him yet. Do you want to guess what his job is? Just as a stab in the dark.

You're not going to get it. Did he dig with wellies? No. Did he scoop out the earth with a wellie dig? No. He was the emperor of Rome. Was he? Under the name Magnus Maximus.

Yeah. Okay. If you'd given me his AKA, yeah. As far as I can tell, that's Latin for Maximum Magnus. Yeah. And in Welsh, it's presumably Maximum Wledig. Wledig is to do, like, lord, like, maximum lord. Which is, I guess, the emperor.

But also, doesn't Magnus also just mean, like, the most? Like, magnum? The ice cream. Yeah, so it means the most ice cream. He could have been called Top Salero, but they went with... Maximum Magnus, or whatever it was. Maximum Magnums. Mass.

It's like the... It's just his order at the corner shop. It became his name. What is Maximum Magnums? Eight? Between your fingers, that would be Maximum Magnums? Yeah, probably. So who's this guy?

Gino Gianelli. Archbishop Tutti Frutti. He was the fairest, wisest and comeliest man. What? I had to Google comely. Yes. And it just means fit. In my translation of this,

which comes from Miss and Legends of the British Isles by friend of the show Richard Barber, the story starts for me, or for Richard, with Max and Reddick going hunting with 32 kings. Sounds like an admin nightmare. It points out that it was not for pleasure. He didn't go hunting for pleasure. He went hunting so he could meet these kings on level terms.

Okay. He was trying to keep it real. Exactly. Because he was kind of higher rank. So he was like, do you know what? I'm just going to hang with some kings just to get some reality in my life because I'm just out of touch with the common man i'm not even a fan of hunting i'm just doing it for the bantz just doing it for the king

bantz keeping it real but then he he goes um i'm tired i i need to sleep and so the kings who are just his just his equals just the common king create like a little den for him out of shields, shafts of spears. And so he has a little lie down. They build him a little nest, a little bower. They hold their shields above him like a little, you know, just like how a normal guy has his friends do for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a little sort of a shield gazebo.

Just like a normal guy. Just one of the guys. I don't know about your version, but it says in my. Like a little sort of shield gazebo. Just like a normal guy. Just one of the guys. I don't know about your version, but it says in my version, they placed a gold shield under his head as a pillow. Yeah, yeah. Like a normal guy. Just like a normal guy would. Gold is a soft metal, but it's not pillow soft, is it?

Appliant, but I wouldn't want to snuggle up on a golden shield. And you would have thought it would reflect the heat, because he wants to sleep because it's such a very hot and sunny day. You'd think the gold would just kind of fry his little head, but it's going to sleep on this metal plate. That's ridiculous. I'm sure I won't have any weird dreams

in this dehydrated state. I'll just have a bit more cheese and then I'll go to sleep on a blazingly hot gold shield. And did he have a dream, Jenny? Did he have a dream? And do we'll go to sleep on a blazingly hot gold shield and did he have a dream jenny did he have a dream and do we know this because his little sleep monitor app was running recording the whole thing so he dreamt that he was traveling along the river near just near where they were until he comes to a mountain that is the biggest mountain anyone has ever seen and he

looks at it and he's like i I'm pretty sure that that reaches the sky because it's so massive. Everything reaches the sky. Like even the tiniest mountain reaches the sky. They didn't know that at the time. Sky technology was a lot more primitive. Yeah, planes would have made this story a lot easier. As would gazebos.

Just standard pillows would have changed this a lot. When I read about sleeping on a golden shield, I did think, God, that sounds really kind of magical and dreamy. It's decadent. Yeah. If it could have a face hole. Yeah, like a massage table. And I could sleep on my front.

It'd be good as a shield pillow, but bad as a shield. Yeah, yeah, yeah, You wouldn't want to. Just poke you through the hole. That's more a donut. What you've invented is an expensive donut. Like a hemorrhoid cushion. I think of my face as a kind of large hemorrhoid. Last I heard, there was a mountain reaching up to the sky.

Yeah, as high as the sky. And then on the other side of it, there's some of the fairest, levelest plains that man has ever seen. Ooh, comely. Really comely. Comely plains. They're the mightiest, largest rivers that anyone had ever beheld.

And then he goes to the sea at the river mouth, and it's the widest anyone's ever seen, with a city at the mouth and a vast castle. Vassal. Or a vast castle. Vassal. Or a vast castle. Vassal. And then he sees the biggest fleet of ships that anyone's ever seen. And in amongst those ships, the biggest ship that anyone's ever seen. Yeah, he's not fact-checking at this point. I think he's just kind of trying to make his dream up.

Spoilers for, guess what, one of my categories for points is going to be. Spoilers for guess what one of my categories for points is going to be. So this big, the biggest ship is gold and silver, is fastened to the shore by her whalebone bridge. And then he thinks that he comes onto the ship and then he sees himself coming to the fairest island in the whole world. Now we're talking whales. Whales live on an island. The fairest in the whole world, is it?

Yeah. Has he seen a lot of other places? Yeah, but Wales is the fairest of them all. Okay, okay. Yeah, I won't hear otherwise. Far be it for me to argue with facts. So there's lofty crags and rugged praesh, that kind of made it so beautiful.

Or no one had ever seen before how rugged and lofty it was. It's a very coloniser attitude. He arrives in Wales and goes, no one has seen this country before. Maybe some Welsh people have. Nobody has seen a place as beautiful as this. Maybe the people that built that castle have seen that castle before.

No one has seen a place as big as that. No one has seen a castle as big as that. I said no one. And then he traversed to the castle, and it was a really fair hall. Oh, so fair. I've got a description of it here. Got the ceilings, gold, doors, gold, seats, gold, tables, silver, walls, gems. Precious gems, yeah.

You could sleep on pretty much anything in that place. Sounds quite tasteless. Gotta be hard to heat. High ceilings, metal fur, everything's made of metal. Famously a conductor of heat. You're gonna want to put some cladding on them gems, mate.

If anything, difficult to cool down, I would say. It's hot in summer and cold in winter. It's the opposite of what you want. And then he sees two young lads. And this reminds me, when you hear how tasteless it is and that there's these two brothers. Did you see the Brass documentary? Oh, yes.

That's what I'm picturing when I hear this. It says here they're all Auburn, Auburn Head, Auburn. Auburn. Is that posh for ginger? Yeah. My dad's Auburn. Posh for the dark end. Yes.

And then the light end is the strawberry blonde. People living in denial. Flame Boys. And they're playing a game called Gwydboll. Some people erroneously translate it as chess, but it ain't. Oh. It's Gwydboll, which translates literally as wood sense. Wood sense?

Yeah. So, like, it's a piece of wood? Well, theirs is made of gold. Of course it is. And it's actually a type of gold, which is called red gold or ruddy gold. Ruddy gold. And because there's so many refri to how much golden stuff there is, they're like, and then that was made of ruddy gold. And then the ceiling is made of ruddy gold.

And then they're playing with both. The board was silver and the pieces were ruddy gold. Ruddy gold. So wait a minute. I thought red gold, I thought it meant like rose gold or something. It was quite in about 10 years ago, wasn't it, rose gold? It was, yeah. Everything was made of rose gold. I had a rose gold phone.

I had a rose gold pillow. Gwythbow is one of 24 feats of skill performed in medieval Wales. But it doesn't tell you what the other 23 are. But they were probably things like putting up a gazebo in a thunderstorm making a den out of shields um i haven't thought of any good ones sorry dealing with people taking the mickey out of the words because they sound like rude words the lad's garments were of pure black brocaded silk, frontlets of ruddy gold, holding their hair in place, whereupon were sparkling jewels

of great price, rubies and gems. They're playing a board game and they're dressed up like that. It feels like Christmas Day, you know, when you've been given a present and you're like, well, I better wear it. And so they're wearing all their Christmas jewels. They're wearing buskins of new Cadovan leather,

which I don't know what that means, but it sounds like Freeman Hardy Willis of the 800 ADs. I looked it up. Cadovan leather is horse leather, specifically from the bum. You can see why. It's horse bum leather. You can see they've rebadged it.

They didn't call it HBL, horse bum leather. It's got that new horse bum leather. You can see they've rebadged it. They didn't call it HBL, horse bum leather. It's got that new horse bum smell. Oh my God. That's what they were wearing on their feet with bands of red gold fastening them. So they were like the medieval Manolo Bilanics because they're famously red, aren't they? I don't know.

Is that shoes? I don't know. Oh look at me pretending to know about fashion because I once saw Sex and the City in 2002. Jimmy Choo. Sorry I just thought of a name of a fancy shoe. Man. But like we've got used to the fact that he makes

shoes and he's called Jimmy Choo. I think he should make trains. So in this fair, fair hall, beside a pillar, he sees a hoary-headed man in a chair of ivory with two gold eagles thereon. Fairly tasteful by comparison with the rest of the room. Well, he's covered in bracelets and rings and a golden diadem and a

talk so he's wearing his christmas day jewelry as well he's just done the cracker though wearing his christmas day jewelry has a little bit of an in his birthday suit kind of feel well he was wearing his christmas day jewelry do your robes up king we can see your christmas day jewelry five gold rings Do your robes up, King. We can see your Christmas Day jewellery. Five gold rings. I should have said pimp gold rings. Never mind.

And then he's fashioning pieces for Gwithberd out of ruddy gold. So he's been given a craft set for Christmas. And so he's doing it like... He's whittling away. Whittling gold. So so he's doing it. He's whittling away. Whittling gold. So all that's going on. And then Max and Will Eddig looks to the side and he sees before him on a chair of, you guessed it, ruddy gold.

Ruddy gold. Yeah, was it just a cockney that ordered the decoration? Oh, this whole place, that happened in ruddy gold. I want ruddy gold walls, ruddy gold doors, ruddy gold clothes. Close your legs, King, I can see your Christmas Day jewellery. That is not ruddy gold to me. And on the ruddy golden chair, he sees a maiden. She's harder to look at than the sun on account of her beauty.

She's wearing white silk with clasps of ruddy gold. Yeah, long story short, ruddy gold. She's covered in ruddy gold. And a surcoat of golden tissue, white silk. This sounds direct out of Tammy Girl in the 90s. Frontlets of red gold, rubies, white gems. She was the most beautiful sight to behold. I think he's just a bit blinded by all the jewels and the gold.

I think she needs to do a no-makeup selfie for him. Or no ruddy gold selfie to see if she's any easier to look at than the sun. I like to imagine him making a small hole in a piece of paper and trying to focus an image of her on a piece of paper so he can safely look at her. But he's like, she's the best thing I've ever seen. And so he embraces her and she embraces him back. Probably clanks a little bit.

As he lumbers towards her, eyes closed, arms out. It's a bit much, but it is a dream, I've just remembered. It's a dream, but it is a dream i've just remembered it's a dream but they're cheek to cheek and then they sit back down in her on her little bench and that's when the dog start chafing probably the ruddy gold would chafe as well and the shafts start shaking um there's shaft shaking oh like shake shaft hello hello yeah hello and um shield chafing horses stamping and prancing wakes him up yeah yeah just when it was getting to the good bit just when he got cheek to cheek with the golden girl just when he was getting his christmas dayery looked at.

When he woke up, he couldn't breathe or exist because of the maiden. He couldn't breathe or exist. This guy is a toddler. Emotionally, he's a toddler. I can't breathe or exist. And it says, not a bone joint, not the root of a fingernail, let alone anything larger, which

I think they're trying to talk about. His CDJ. What's CDJ? Christmas Day jewellery. Yeah. So he's trying to say that every bit of his body is turgid. Yeah. He is rigid with love, and so he says to his retinue, no, his retinue say to him,

wouldn't you love to have a retinue? I only found out what retinue is recently. I always like in Shakespeare when the queen arrives with her train because it's kind of funny. Jimmy Choo. Yeah, Jimmy Choo. Oh, that's the queen. I'm not going anywhere without my retinue and my chafing dogs.

I thought you meant like his feet were hurting when people said my dogs are barking, when you said the dogs were chafing. I thought you meant that. It was like, oh, I've been on my feet for hours. I've had a quick sit on a bench. My hush puppies are chafing away. My horse bum leather.

I haven't worn it in. And so his retinue are like, it's time gone for you to eat because they can tell he's he's bad vibes and they think he's just hangry so they're like let's let's get you some food then and so the emperor mounts his palfrey which is a horse that is free of pals and um and he gets on his palfrey and he is the saddest man that anyone has ever seen again unprecedented sad man he's i think he's labeling himself though as well yeah and his mo and he goes back to rome and he just puts his out of office on for like a week he's not talking to anyone what my mum would say is he sulked he had a big sulk yeah about this thing and um every time

he went to eat or drink, because everything, because he was the emperor, everything was made of gold. And he'd be like, oh, it reminds me of her. Because he's fallen in love. What's happened here is he's fallen in love with the girl of his dreams.

Of course. But she is actually the girl of his dreams. But she's Welsh, which is the problem. And that's also a problem. Well, he doesn't even know that yet. No, sorry, spoilers. No, yeah.

The thing is, one of his court comes up to him and says, look, here, I quote directly, Lord, all the people revile you. Wow. And he says, why do they revile me it's like because no one can speak to you you've been sulking for a week i'm now paraphrasing and the emperor says kid bring me the wise men of rome and i'll tell them and presumably and then that he does and he tells all these wise men i'm really upset because i dreamt about a beautiful girl and they for some reason take this seriously and in essence say send out some

people to find her then go on they're like do you know what there are only three areas of the world so why don't we take a year on each and then that way but if we give it three years you know that's going to be a if nothing else a fun game of hope for three years hope will sustain you so that one year goes by where they've done one area then they come back and he's like oh gutted that we're no closer to my maiden and then so he sends them off to the second direction for another whole year and then they come back and still nothing and he's he's saddened again and then eventually someone says to him why don't you begin hunting where you were in the in the dream why didn't you begin hunting where you were in the dream?

Why don't you just go in the direction that you saw with your own eyes? So after two whole years, oh, the emperor goes, oh yeah. That way. It's probably that way. And so he goes to the beginning point with the hunt. And he's like, oh, that massive river. Oh, that's the one. So he sends off 13 men, unlucky for some, in the direction he went.

And then they put their sleeves of the cape to the front to show they were messengers in order to have no harm done to them. What I'm picturing is, do you remember when you used to do that thing where you'd put one hand in your jumper belly and then you'd get the two sleeves together with one hand and then you'd do that thing? What's that thing? You would pump your arms down and your hand would come up in the middle of your chest Two sleeves together with one hand and then you'd do that thing. What's that thing? You would pump your arms down and your hand would come up in the middle of your chest.

Exactly. Like an alien chestburster. Yeah, yeah. Creating a humorous visual effect. That's what I'm picturing the messengers doing. So that's what they did to indicate that they were messengers. Like a oompa, oompa, oompa were messengers. It's fine, we're just messengers. They're texting with their third hand.

They went, behold, look at that mountain. That looks like the same mountain that he talked about. And they were like, this is the land our Lord saw. And then they saw the castle, they saw the boat, and all of these were like the biggest or the fairest or the goldest that they'd ever seen. So they were like, this must be the one that Maximus Magnum's on about. Maximum Magnums. Eight.um's on about maximum magnums

eight it's just the maximum number of magnums you could carry it one time would be eight in each of the finger oh no it's six because i don't think you could do the thumbs just in the gaps between your fingers sort of like wolverine you're like a chocolate wolverine anyway yeah yeah that's six that's six and one on the mouth maybe and then they cross over to a rurri, which is in Wales. And then they see the rugged terrain and they're like, we're getting warmer, warmer, warmer still. And then they see the two lads. They see Bross in their faceless hall, a hoary-headed man. And then they behold the maiden and they're like, here we go.

And so they go, Empress of Rome. And she's like, nobleman, I can see from your fists and your jumpers that you are. The thing you're doing. You've had the badge of messengers. I can see by your oompa stomachs that you are nobleman. Hold your swords, they mean us no harm. The oompa oompa thing they do with their jumpers. They bring word from Rome.

And so, but because they said Empress of Rome, she's like, why are you mocking me? And they say, lady, we're not mocking you. The Emperor of Rome saw you in his sleep and he can neither live nor breathe nor exist. It's incredible considering two years has passed. Two years. Two years of not living, breathing or existing.

And they said, either come to be crowned empress or the emperor will come to you to take you as his wife. So it's one of the two. Oh, great. So there's options for her then. You can either come with us and get married or stay there and get married. Nice that they brought her into the decision-making process.

And then she said, noblemen. And then she kind of half did believe them, half didn't believe them. But what she did want was if he is the man who loves her, then let him be the one to say it. But I know exactly how she would have said it

because in Carnarvon there is a phrase which is, do you got something to say to me, yeah? Say it to my face, yeah? That was her message back and they went back to the emperor and they were like we know her name which is more than you did mate we know her family and her lineage and the emperor's like sweet so they set out again oh and they took the island by force oh which it's kind of a mixed blessing

yeah i don't think there was any need for that really it seemed like it was all going to plan but then um well they probably forgot to do the umpah, umpah, jumper thing, and then once the fight had started, they just rolled with it. It's like when you're trying to play stealthily in a video game, and you get seen, and you're just like, ah, forget it. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I'll just kill everyone then. Yeah,

so they do that. They take it by force from Beli, son of Manogan, who I think we talked about in a previous Mabinogi, and then they get there, and they see Conan belly son of manogan who i think we talked about in the previous um mabinogi and then they get there and they see conan son of adaf and gadeon son of adaf playing good bush good boy is that bros yeah so they said yeah so we finally learn bros's names and adaf son of caradoc which is the guy with his christmasery out and with his kimono and legs akimbo.

And then the emperor goes and embraces the woman. And then it says, so I recently got Mabinogion especially, and it says All the branches.

All franchise, yeah. The Wales extended universe. On one source source it says they embraced and the emperor says empress of rome and that night they became man and wife um in my mabinogion book that i've just recently got it says they embraced and he said empress of rome and that night he slept with her. And so it's just much more like they banged. Early the next day, the maiden claimed her maiden fee, which is also known as the mourning gift, since he had found her to be a virgin. So she was like, you owe me big time.

Told you. Oh, right. So it's like an extra bonus for that, is there? Okay. So he was like, just tell me what you want. And so she's like, okay, I'll have, I'll just have the Isle of Britain for my dad and then three adjoining islands.

And then if you could build me three major forts as well, one preferably in Arvan, which is where she's living. So he's like, yep. And then he gets some soil from Rome so that he can be healthier. Is he a vampire? Oh my God, you both said that in perfect unison. Sorry.

And then they had two other forts in Caerleon and Caervervin. And then it gets less romantic. Also roads I have here as well. It's like all that and also roads. Oh yeah, a load of roads named after her. So they're like the roads of Helen. Roman roads were called Helen's roads in some sort of past time slang. Oh, right.

Because of this, yes. And so was that her name in the end, Helen? Did I miss that? Yeah, it turns out she's called Helen, but that's not important. I went to school with like nine Helens. It's not a very mystical name. Helen says, if you're going to say anything, say it to my face. Thanks, Helen. But she really really that is a big morning gift like i would normally just be like coffee and a pan of raisin that would do me like and don't tell anyone

so that's the end of the romantic bit yes it. It's happy Valentines. Happy Valentines. What would you say the moral of the story was? If you can imagine it, you can do it if you're also the Emperor of Rome. Yeah, be the change you want to see in Wales. The moral is just cover yourself in bling and you will find a man. Yes. Ruddy gold. What a romantic story.

Happy did Santa's twin win. Are you going to score us then, Alistair? Yeah, I'd love to. I'd love to pass judgment, yes. Right, Jenny, as your lawyer, I'm saying lawyer, but I'm saying law in it, but it's very hard to tell because it's the same word. That works really well. I advise you, let's do the classics first.

Let's get Supernatural out of the way now. Yeah. First cat, Supernatural. Have you got a pitch, Jenny, for that? Please. The dream. So it's so accurate to the degree of what kind of diadem someone's wearing in their hair.

It's like the ultimate in, oh, my girlfriend goes to another school, you wouldn't know her, to it actually is all as he said, but he dreamt it. I mean. It is a prophetic dream. And that is magic.

That's a kind of magic. I can't argue with that. And that I spoke of it in my dream last night. And you also dreamed of it. It entered your dream. So that's two supernatural occurrences. That's two incredible prophetic dreams. I feel like i'm

being drawn i i dreamed of a number two fashioned of ruddy gold last night oh right like a the figure number two right like the figure like the arabic numeral not okay not a number two made of gold yes not a ruddy gold turd james not what happens the day after you eat at salt bay's restaurant oh i've got another i've got another supernatural okay he could neither live nor Not what happens the day after you eat at Salt Bae's restaurant. Oh, I've got another supernatural. He could neither live nor breathe nor exist, and yet he did. Okay. For two years.

I mean, I don't know if being a massive whinger is supernatural. Maybe he is a vampire, though, because he did... Oh, he had the soil. Because vampires... He needed the soil. Yeah, he needed the soil like a vampire did. Who played Nosferatu? Max Schreck. Oh, Max Schreck. Means the soil like a vampire did. Who played Nosferatu? Max Shrek. Oh, Max Shrek.

Means the most amount of Shrek. I think I've gone off topic. And that is an ogre. And Gary Oldman means the garriest old man. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I didn't understand that line of argument at all, so I'm going up to three, and that's my final offer.

Yeah, I didn't either. Okay, then we better take that and run. Yeah, I'll have that. So two, and again, as your Laurier, play the Welsh card. Yeah. Alistair, category two, naming. I didn't really like the names. Oh, play that Welsh card.

Waledig, hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Maxon Hello. Hello. Max and Waledig. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the game Gwydbwys. Or Cordovan Leather.

Horsebum Leather. Yeah, that's a better name. Yes, it's a better name than Horsebum Leather, yeah. We've got Belly, son of Manoghan. Hunan, son of Adaf. Gadeon, son of Adaf. Adaf, son of Eidaf Gadeon son of Eidaf Eidaf son of Caradoc

Caradoc yeah I've definitely recognised these lads from previous Mabinogi stories and then also the two forts

well sorry the three forts Arfon Cerllion and Cerfyrthyn alright so you

why don't you if you could give us less than five, but also say those names. I'm prepared to give you four out of five for names, but you can't keep playing the old, oh, Welsh sounds funny, angle with me, Sonny Jims. I'm not saying it sounds funny. I'm saying it sounds Welsh.

Well, there's no argument here. I'm giving it four out of five, purely because one of the characters is called Maximum Magnums. Gino, oh Gino, Ginelli. Escrimo, piazza Italia. Mint, dark tip.

Ticca Gino, home are you? Third category is the most blank anyone has ever seen. And this story was the most blank I have ever heard. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, the tallest mountain. Tallest mountain, biggest boat. Yeah, nicest Helen. Biggest virgin fee. Yeah, yeah, I've never heard of such a pricey virgin. Most exposed Christmas jewellery.

Horse with the fewest pals. Horse with the least bottom skin. Yeah, horse bummest leather. That's the biggest number of kings I've seen on one sort of work away day, doing one paintball session. It's like, hey, we're all friends, it's first names. All our first names are King. Yeah, I think this is the,

it's the most five category I've ever heard. Yes. The five-iest. Yes. Good work. So what's the final category? The final category is Ruddy Gold. Oh, Ruddy Bloody Gold.

It's five out of five. I just, I can't. It's a ruddy five. It's four out of five for Ruddy Gold. Oh, Ruddy Bloody Gold. It's five out of five. I just, I can't. It's a ruddy five. It's five out of five for Ruddy Gold. Ruddy Gold. You can't move for Ruddy Gold in that place. And the thing is, there's no spoilers in the title or even the first few paragraphs

because it's like, oh, it's a dream that a man has about a beautiful woman. But actually the story is like, I'm all golded out by the end of the story. Learn a new metal. Yeah, there's a table made of silver over there. Yes, what are the chairs made of? Well, gold, but there's one ivory one in the corner.

Don't look over there though, good God. That was a great story. Jenny, thank you for being our Welsh correspondent once again. Thanks for having me. Thank you very much, Jenny. Is there anything you'd like to plug to the law folk who listen? I would love to plug a show I'm doing in Leicester, the Leicester Comedy Festival.

If you have any Leicester listeners, I'm doing it on the 20th of February, which is the week after Valentine's Day. So we should have all recovered from all the loving um i won't i will have just been normal it's a couple of days away you've still got time to get tickets no doubt yes it'll be online as well on next up i guess that's correct yes yeah so even if you can't make it to leicester you can still enjoy the show exactly and what's the title of your show, Jenny?

Jenny Collier Untitled. You are famous for your puns, and I'm going to pretend I get that one. It might be called Work in Progress, and it might be called Jen at Work. Oh, that's good. With a men at work sign. That's nice. That's nice. That's best. Happy Valentine's Day. Thank you very much.

Happy Valentine's Day to you too. And you, the listener. Have we got a live stream coming up? We do. On the 24th of February. Sounds good. Great. It's a date. Join us and if you want to support Lawmen, you can join our Patreon, patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod, or write us a review. Mmm,

a nice one, please. Yeah, we complained a few weeks ago about a guy giving us a three-star review. Yeah. And he lowered it to a one-star review. Yeah. Well played. Touché. lowered it to a one star review. Yeah. Well played. Touche. Cool. I hope I didn't monopolise too much,

you know, because we're meant to both be telling it and I feel like loads of the time I was like, and then, No, that's the whole point. That's the thing. That's the whole point. That's the thing. That's the whole point.

To be honest, it's the guest tells it. But if there's like. Often they arrive with no preparation. Yeah, some don't do any prep. So I tell the story and then they say, yeah, I live near there.