Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep98: Loremen S3 Ep98 - The Curse of the Silk Shoes

Episode Date: February 17, 2022

The boys hit the road (and rail replacement bus service) and made their way to the East Midlands, for the Leicester Comedy Festival. Whereupon, James regaled Alasdair and a live audience with a local tale. It's the story of a devilishly handsome gentleman and a pair of silk shoes that are very much house shoes. As in, if you take them out of the house... you die. Find us on www.youtube.com/loremenpodcast for more stuff. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And this is a recording from our little live trip out to the Leicester Comedy Festival. 2022. Thank you very much to NextUp and the Leicester Comedy Festival. And thanks to the law folk who came out

and watched. And actually, thank you to us. We were really there in person. Yeah. And my associate James here shared a Leicester story. The Curse of the Silk Slippers. It's a tale of a man with looks that could stop you in the street. And I mean that in more ways than one.

Sing along. Sing, damn you, sing! La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la You don't know this bit. This has got the rap section in it. There's a big rap break in the middle. All right, Matt, I think you can fade that out. It goes on for another three hours, so thank you. Hello, law folks. How are you? Yay! Good.

An open-ended question, James. I know. They handled it well with a yay. Yeah. Law folks on the stream, how are you? Good lawftnoon. Are we saying that? I prefer good lawning, but here it Good lawftanoon. Are we saying that?

Yeah, I prefer good lawning, but here it's lawftanoon. For the one or two people who may have not heard the podcast, we tell stories about folklore and I don't think we take the mickey out of them. No, we're very respectful. We look for the funny bits in them. And there's plenty in today's tale, which is from Lubbunum. Lubbunum? Lubbunum. Not Lebanon.

It's not Lebanon. It's not Lubbunum. Is it like a sailor saying, love a nun? Or a land-based nun, maybe, like a landlubber. Like a nunlubber. Yes. Yeah. No, it's not.

It's simply a town. It's not a really sexy nun, really. No. No. Now, near Lubbunum is a hall called Papillon Hall, which is a French word. It's okay. For butterfly...

Ah, good. That's the, you know, the Steve McQueen film about butterflies in jail or something. I've not seen it. Yeah. Really hard to arrest a butterfly. Very difficult to get their handcuffs on. Yeah, and if you were to arrest a caterpillar

and then they change into a butterfly, can they get out? Or would they be like, oh, no, it wasn't me. It was a caterpillar did this crime and I'm clearly a butterfly. It'd be very hard to do a lineup with like four caterpillars and a butterfly.

Well, yeah, three caterpillars, a chrysalis and a butterfly. Which was the one that mugged you. It was a human. Had you only said that at the start, I wouldn't have arranged this, at great expense, a butterfly-based line-up. On the assumption that a butterfly committed this crime, James.

But, no, this is a... Happy on a haul, you say. Yeah, and it's a haul. It's not even an actual butterfly, this crime, James. But, no, this is a... Papillon Hall, you say? Yeah, and it's a hall. It's not even an actual butterfly. It's a building. What? I know. You know what?

The building, you know what shape it was? It wasn't butterfly-shaped. It was octagonal. What? It didn't even have, like, two wings. No. Which is something that buildings and butterflies have in common. Yes.

This Papillon Hall was built by a chap called david papillon i don't think he really built it himself i think he paid a bunch of people to build it in 1624 and it was substantially altered in 1903 and it was even more substantially altered in 1950 it was demolished wow that's about as substantially altered as a thing can be. Yeah, I think we can all agree that's a substantial alteration. Yeah, we're going to knock through that wall and that wall. Pretty much all the walls. All four walls. And then the roof will probably take care of itself.

Yeah. Sorry, creation, all eight walls. It's an octagon. It's an octagon. Who we're talking about now is David 2. David Papillon 2, the Daviding. He's the great, great grandson of the original David Papillon. And he's got AKAs.

Of course he has. I love an aka. He's aka Pamp. Pamp? Pamp? Also known as Old Pamp. Presumably in his later years. And also known as Lord Pamp. Lord Pamp? Also known as Old Pamp. Presumably in his later years. And also known as Lord Pamp.

Lord Pamp? He's Mr. Pamp. He's the Pamp King. The Pampster? Yes, he's the Pampmeister General. Yes, if he was a type of nappy, he'd be a pamper. He was devilishly handsome. Seemingly, literally mesmeric oh yeah he could fix people and not in

a good way like you would fix a table or chair he'd fix them like he'd freeze them like set up like in a way that when you cure meat that's not a cure if If anything, you're making it worse. You could fix or set people. You just look at them and they wouldn't be able to move. I'm looking at the camera to give the people at home an example of what looking at would be. And if you imagine someone's computer is now buffering and they think you're a magician.

He once had a problem with some men ploughing a field. I don't know how you can have a problem with the methods of men ploughing in a field. He found it very harrowing. Thank you for coming. That's the end of the show. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes, he had an issue with how they ploughed this field, so he fixed them. And they were stuck until sundown when he released them. I don't know how that solved the problem.

That just meant that they were there the whole day. Not ploughing. Yeah. Maybe he was like, I just want you to plough at night or something. Or you're ploughing too fast. Slow down on your ploughing. Slow that plough. Calm down ploughing.

One time, old Pamp was getting robbed by a foot pad. Do you know the term foot pad? Yespad. Do you know the term footpad? Yes. Does anyone else know the term footpad? I knew you'd know. Of course, of course. I'm not going to define it though. Carry on, James.

A footpad? I have definitely heard it before. I would say it's probably a variant on a cut purse. It is. It is. It's a street-based thief. So as a highwayman would be on a horse, a footpad would be on his feet.

Yeah, like a pedestrian criminal. Yes, yes, yes. A mugger. So if you think like a highwayman on a horse, that's like your internet fraudster. They're getting you from afar. And a footpad is like a mugger. They're coming up, they're up at you.

And they're actually more dangerous, a footpad, because a highwayman, when they're finished mugging you you they just ride off on a horse they can make their escape quite quickly a foot pad needs to incapacitate you in order to make their escape i thought you were going to say like you know when you say goodbye to someone but then it turns out you're walking the same way you're off to do the same are you also going to, oh, okay, fine. Oh, I've got some false etymology. Would you like some fake etymology? Oh, I love some faux-tymology. Foot pad.

Not only would they mug people, they'd also rob your belongings from your pack horse and or cart. So they fitted a lock to these things, which was called the padlock. Ah. And that's not true, unfortunately. It'd be lovely if it was. That's what I read, and then I looked it up. Yeah, the last time we talked about this,

you told me you'd discovered some amazing etymology, and I said, I bet it turns out not to be true. I just want that to be on record, that you knew he checked, and it wasn't true. It wasn't true. Even though he didn't tell me what it was, I already knew it wasn't going to be true. Footpad is first used in around 1680.

Padlock is first used in the 15th century. So what were they locking up in the 15th century? Lilypads. I don't know. I don't know. But the OED, Oxford English Dictionary, does not know what the pad, bit of padlock comes from. So it's not just me that doesn't know things. This foot pad tried to rob him and he fixed them, fixed them good and proper, set them there. And so cockily,

he put his purse of wages that he was bringing back from Market Harbourer, put it down on the floor in front of the guy and then rode off home and then sent his groom to come pick up the purse and the groom picked it up and then the robber was released from the spell. That's really showboating for an audience of zero. Yes, really. Apart from his footman, who is there to check that he even did that. Or is the guy sort of locked behind his eyes, staring at the money the whole time, being like, oh, if only I hadn't been frozen.

Is that the idea? I guess it's some sort of punishment, yeah. Yeah, that sounds awful. It's, yeah, this Pamp, not that nice a guy. He was feared, old Pamp, in the area. People would make the sign of the cross in Lebanon when they were making their beer mash or making their dough for bread and stuff like that.

I think it's a yeast, very yeasty-based cursing that he could do. is a yeast very yeasty based cursing that he could do he um married in 17 17 17 i should have only said that twice there was a pause there yeah just imagine i only said it twice how did you go over the page while writing a date i kept writing 17 How big is your handwriting, James? You know when you write banana and you don't know when to stop? Well, before he married, he had a Spanish mistress. He had a secret Spanish lady. Oh, is that the sound of maracas? Sensual maraca music.

Because he had a loft on top of Papillon Hall, or Pamp's Place, as it was also known. I'm really glad I've got this pop shield for this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very close-up episode. It's very close-up. So Pamp's Papillion Pad. Pamp's secret,

now I can't think of a saucy word that begins with P. What's a saucy word that begins with P? Not the obvious. Pad. Oh, yeah. It's not a believable it's not that it's not the sauciest of words for it no on so on top of his octagonal hall there were four gabled attics i looked up gabled it's the um triangular bit in a roof roof sorryoof, sorry. Went very local at the end there. Roof. And one of them was bricked up apart from a small door. And that was Pamp's attic. In Pamp's attic, he'd squirreled

away his Spanish mistress. She never left Papillon Hall. She would do her exercise on one of the other four quadrants of the roof. And she died in 1715. But there's no grave of her around. Oh. But before she died, she left a curse. She had some very fancy shoes. Pumps? Yes, pumps. Pumps. Pumps, partners, pumps. These shoes were accursed. They're brocaded slippers.

Everything was brocaded in those days. You almost never hear about clothing if it's not brocaded. Yeah, if it was simply 2D. Brocaded is that sort of, when it's got the pattern, but it's raised up, like the wallpaper that I had in my student house that was horrible. And the previous person had picked off the flowers. Horrible.

Horrible it was. One time, the landlord installed new blinds. Not nice Venetian blinds like in here. The vertical office blinds. The ones that are made of the cream fabric. Yep. He whooshed them shut and said, look, it's great.

The light still comes in. That's not a selling point for blinds. So these shoes, they were very fancy, but there was a curse on them. Should they ever be taken away from the hall, terrible things would happen. The belief in this curse of these shoes was so strong that it was written into the deeds of the house. Wow. You weren't allowed to take the shoes out of the house. It was not allowed. That's fine if it's a pair of shoes, but if it's like a sideboard, that would be annoying if you just had to keep the previous tenant's sideboard or blinds. I'm annoyed about those blinds still.

James, have you been forced to keep somebody's sideboard and blinds? You're airing a lot of grievances that aren't necessarily relevant to the story. Well, okay then. I'll skip that bit. But basically, the not removal of the pumps was ignored. In 1860... Yeah, I know.

Even though it was in the deed. Even though it was in the deed, 1866, the owner, George Bosworth, I know. Even though it was in the deed. Even though it was in the deed, 1866, the owner, George Bosworth, he died and he bequeathed these shoes to his daughter who lived in Leicester. The new owner, Lord Hopeton, or Hopetown, was disturbed by loud crashes and deafening noises

coming from his drawing room. So much so they couldn't use the drawing room. Imagine. I'd hate that. Yeah, if there was a whole room that you could, I mean, the model equipment would be like, I've got a noisy drawer that I can no longer use. They tracked down the shoes, they got them back,

and they were finally able to use their drawing room again. Ooh, see you. Happy ending. It was all at the appropriate volume. And then there was a later owner, Thomas Halford. This guy, Thomas Halford, he lent the shoes to an exhibition in Paris for a whole year. She's not going to like that. No. The ghost. She did not. The whole family had to move out. They were such a kerfuffle. And they couldn't get the shoes back earlier. They had to go for a whole year for some reason. Evidently, that contract was stronger than the original deed-based contract.

And so what he did was he installed a strong cupboard with a little grill on it. It was fireproof, even though it had a grill in it, which is not just a pun, but also is a cupboard with a hole in it. That can It was fireproof, even though it had a grill in it, which is not just a pun, but also is covered with a hole in it. That can't be fireproof. Basically, they've got the grill, so you can keep an eye and check the shoes are actually still there and they're locked up. That's all good until... These days, we probably have a baby monitor set up, just watching the shoes. Yes, you would. Yes. A baby monitor for shoes. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Just a good idea. It's just a practical suggestion. You can't take that, anyone. This is copyrighted. Shoe view, we could call it. Shoe view, yes. That's good. Yeah, definitely cut now. Yeah, we will.

Definitely. We are definitely going to cut this bit out. Yeah. So, in 1903, Captain Frank Belleville... Oh, I can already feel he's going to be a character. He bought the place. He started the first of the refurbishments. There were two.

This was the good one. He put four wings on the place so that it resembled a butterfly. Really? Yes. Good. Finally, someone who is as literal as me. Make that it resembled a butterfly. Really? Yes. Good. Finally, someone who is as literal as me. Make the building look like a butterfly. And he put an extra floor on, demolishing the old attics.

And do you know what he found in Pamp's attic? Skeleton. A skeleton. Yes, it's a skeleton. It's always a skeleton. A lady skeleton. A lady skeleton. We can only presume it was a Spanish skeleton.

I don't know how you could tell. The bones sound like maracas, I told you. Yes, that would be it. So they found the skeleton. That's where she was all along. Jaws like castanets. But that didn't... I'm just thinking of other ways you can tell if a skeleton is Spanish.

That's the whole skull. Click, click, click, click, click. Oh, no. Spanish. Wait, is it disgusting or is it are you offended for this on behalf of the spanish you've only got one you need two oh so now you're complaining that we haven't killed enough spaniards the only thing i think that would make this equivalent thing is if you sort of did a thing with the ribs but then that would be a bit like playing the spoons and

that wouldn't i don't think that of same effect. That would be insulting the memory of whoever you were using the skeleton of to make a musical instrument. I love the way James just gave me a look as if to say, they're a bit hard work, aren't they? I mean, really. Blimey. A 10-minute long skeleton instruments. What do they want?

Yeah. And during this old Belleville, Captain Belleville, he had the shoes. He was not a scared person. He didn't have. He's a sea captain. He's seen it all.

Yeah. Well, he's punched a manatee. Really? I assume he's felt the briny spray. That is enough. Of the sea. Not the manatee.

Not the manatee. Even though a lot of people think the manatees are the origin of the mermaid myth. Yeah. It's a different story. Just the sexiest manatees, obviously. Manatee. Manatee. manatee. Something's going to happen, that's all I'm saying.

Yeah, he was not superstitious. If you take all the toe bones, throw them into a kettle drum. That would work. And then a one, two, three, four with the thighs. Yeah. No, not happening. I thought if we left a gap, we might be able to return yeah triumphantly return to the spanish skeleton used to produce music theme but no i don't know okay then he

didn't keep the shoes in the house he had them taken to his solicitors do you think some bad stuff happened yeah it did oh big time his pony trap time. His pony trap, which is a type of car, which is a type of car, he's not hunting ponies. The worst thing about it is when it's caught one and you have to just take a massive trap with a dead pony in it out to the garden and just like... It was a humane pony trap. Oh, okay.

It's just a bit, it's a big cage. It's actually... With just some sugar lumps at the back. A narrowing tunnel and the pony can get in, but it can't get back out. Yes. Yeah, yeah. No, a pony trap is not that.

A pony trap is like a mini cart, I guess. We all knew. Yeah, we all knew. We all knew. I was deliberately misunderstanding. And, well, his one with him in it overturned and he fractured his skull. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh.

Yeah. Wow. So he got those shoes and put them back. Five years later, he lent them to Leicester Museum. No! Come on, Cappy. I know you've got a fractured skull, but come on. Oh.

The thing, he's obviously forgotten, and so he lent them to Leicester Museum. He fell off his horse again and fractured his skull again the same skull the Statself same skull the very same skull

it's not going to be able to be used as a musical instrument afterwards he's not thinking of the resale value you don't want that on like a like a sort of

a drum set kind of thing made out of skulls and one of them's this skull's flat can you tune up the skull please um that got more yeah i think now we're supposed to leave all the rest of it in we can't cut the rest of it out now but my saving my burgeoning business which is musical instruments made of human skeletons which which is what I'm secretly pushing.

Yeah. Have you got a good pun name for that business, James? Not yet. Okay. But I will think about it and put it in the edit at this point. And I will use that laugh. No. And the hall also caught fire in 1908.

Two servants died, minimum. Minimum two servants died in this fire and three ponies were struck by lightning. Easy targets being in the trap. Because they were trapped. They were all in the same trap. So, yeah. It's not as odd as it sounds.

So, they put the shoes back in the case. Yeah. And they chucked the key in the pond. Oh, sorry. According to the son of the stable hand, Len Beanie. They threw the key in the pond. The beanster. Len Beanie Jr.

During World War II, it was used as a base for American servicemen. And if we've learned anything on this podcast about American servicemen coming over here to our stately homes, they are not respecting the past. They broke open the case and on two occasions, shoes were taken. And on two occasions, the person who did it died.

Wow. Yeah. Not once, but twice. Incredible that someone would die during the Second World War. Just amazing. And they were in the army as well. What are the odds that a soldier would die in the war? Normally an American soldier would be getting our skeletons,

falling in love with them, and then playing the rock and roll. Yeah. That's a lengthy callback. But it works. Yeah yeah so that time those american soldiers had sex with those guys yes that is a callback to uh an allegation made by us that is no way uh you can't distance yourself from our own allegation by just i think yeah i think it was me that said that was my slander. Yeah, that was a slanderous comment I made a long time ago. I don't think it's slander if you say it's slander.

How can that be a comment? Can you slander a skeleton? No, you can't slander the dead. And that is the basis of this podcast. They lost a shoe as well. In that whole kerfuffle, one of the shoes was lost. Sometimes I forget how high the stakes are in this story. Yeah.

They lost the shoe one of these shoes was lost and the building was five years later demolished and like that five years later they demolished the building just like whilst demolishing it they found the shoe it was under a floorboard yeah still demolished it though still demolished it look and i went past there today on my way up and i'm going to make a little video which i'll pop out on our youtube channel i had a quite a terrifying time there were a surprising amount of tanks up there is all i'll say you'll see in the video there's military tanks yeah yeah not like water tanks and sewage tanks and whatnot an airplane and a big plastic dragon the usual um so yes now it is no longer there the shoes are in the market harbor museum

and they are there to this day for you to look at if you go in they'll be the the shoes with the the brocade on them the stables are still meant to be haunted by Pamp old Pamp Lord Pamp and oh sidebar he also has a haunted painting it's a painting of him which had its own misadventures and I'm not going to go into now I only mention them because at one point this wanted painting fell into the hands of his descendant, Pelham Rawstone Papillon. At first I thought that was a town name. That's a person's name. Pelham Rawstone Papillon.

And that is the tale of Old Pamp. That's a great tale. A round of applause for James. Are you ready to score me? I am. First category, category the first, is naming. Naming. Pamps.

Old Pamp. Pamps is a strong start, isn't it? Lord Pamp. Lord Pamps. The Pampster. The Pampinator. Mm-hmm. Pamp, Pamp, Pamp.

Pamp, Pamparam. Yeah. Pamp up the jam. Yes. Pam, pam, pam, pam, pam, pam. Yeah. Pam up the jam. Yes. And that isn't the only name. But I have forgotten the others, so remind me of some of them. Pelham Rawstone Papillon. You've said that so interestingly, I have no idea how to pronounce it.

Pelham Rawstone Papillon. Papillon. Papillon. George Bosworth. George Bosworth Pelham, Rawstone. Rawstone Papillon. Papillon. Papillon. Papillon. George Bosworth. George Bosworth, nice, solid name. Len Beanie. Len Beanie. I can see the bean on the page there.

Captain Frank Belleville. I like Captain Belleville. And a Spanish lady. And a Spanish lady. What would her name have been? Mrs. Maracas. Signorina Maracas. Oh, yes, Signorita Maracas.

Not married then. Okay. No, she was his mistress. She was his mistress, of course. Famously. Signorita Maracas. I'm not sure I believe that was really her name. So I'm going to say it's a four out of five. Okay.

If you'd got a really funny Spanishy name, that would have been five. I've only got funny male ones because you can always prefix them with senior. So whatever they are, you can say senior. Senior Beanie. Yeah, it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It works for any name. Senior Maracas. Have you? No. Maybe. That was an actual joke. I don't know what you're complaining about. That was the first actual joke we've done in months on this podcast.

Four out of five. Four out of five, fair enough. Okay, second category, supernatural. Oh, well, poltergeists are supernatural. We've got a load of poltergeists. Yep. One of them prevented a drawing room from being used for the purposes to which we all know drawing rooms were conventionally put.ing to actually withdrawing that is drawing room i didn't

double look it up so i'm not gonna say yes but yeah yeah yeah were they just for introverts was it just a room for introverts yeah yes yeah yeah nice what else there? There's multiple poltergeist instances. Cursed shoes. Cursed shoes. The ghost of Pamp still haunts the stables. Yeah. And if you were in any doubt as to how cursed the shoes were, they tested it 17 times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And every time the curse came true. No one believed it. That's how cursed they were. And the fixing, the supernatural fixing. Yeah. He could fix people. Magnetism.

They used to call it magnetism, didn't they? Yeah, his mesmerism. That's pretty good. That's a lot of supernaturality. I don't know. I think it's a five. Yeah. Oh, some strong nods there.

Yeah. People at home? Yeah, it's five. Yeah, they're nodding their laptops. They're nodding. Yeah, they're bending the screen to make it nod. Now, that would be making us nod. It's five. Yeah, they're nodding their laptops. They're nodding. Yeah, they're bending the screen to make it nod. Now, that would be making us nod. It's five.

That's how everyone agrees on a Zoom call, though, right? When you're in a Zoom meeting. You nod the screen. Yeah. Good. Five out of five for supernatural, James. Five out of five for supernatural. And then we have the category of plosives.

Plosives. What if someone isn't as clued up on word terminology? What is a plosive sound, James? A plosive sound. A plosive sound. It's a P. A plosive sound. It's a P or a B.

That's about it, I think, isn't it? P, B. Yeah, it's one of the ones where you shoot plosive. You shoot some air straight out of your mouth into a microphone, causing bassy problems. Yes, it's where you have sealed your lips, You shoot some air straight out of your mouth into a microphone, causing bassy problems. Yes. It's where you have sealed your lips, and then you release that seal in an explosion. We've got Pamps.

We've got Pamps. We've got Papillon. Papillon, that's two. We've got Len Beanie. Beanie. Beanie. Beanie and Pamps. Thomas Holford, no.

Come on, Holford! We've got George Bosworth. Nice. Who bequeathed the shoes. Yes. These bequeathed slippers. We've got all of these and no more. It's pende, which I think is the Greek word for five.

Ah, yes. And it's the only P5 I could think of. Pimp? Pimp! Pimp! Pimp! My God, pimp, of course. I'm so glad we've created an environment where someone can just say,

with a questioning voice, pimp. And for everyone else to go, yes, of course. Pimp! And finally. Of course. Like Archimedes leaping out of the bathtub. Pimp! Pimp. Okay, so pimp for plosives.

And then my final category. And I... You're not looking confident. No. For the benefit of the tape. Let the record show that Shake Shaft is looking nervous. I was confident it was a clever category, but then I've thought it through

and I'm hoisting myself by my own petard. Petard. Petard. Another one. It is too pamp, too furious. Okay, I see what you've done there because it's very funny, but it includes the number two.

Yeah, twice. Twice as well. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, I didn't you've done there, because it's very funny, but it includes the number two. Yeah, twice. Twice as well. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, I didn't even notice the first two. I'm Derren Browning you to my disadvantage. Do you want to explain the... because I laughed, but I don't think I understood it. Okay, David Pamp II. There were two alterations of the hall. One of them, the ultimate alteration, which is the other name for my home improvement show.

The ultimate alteration. So there were two pumps, two alterations. The guy fell off the horse twice. Three ponies were struck by lightning. That doesn't work. And two American servicemen lost their lives during World War II. How did it happen? Stealing these two shoes.

Oh, two shoes. Two shoes. Baddie two shoes. The opposite of goody two shoes. Yes, exactly. They were bad shoes. That's a weird saying, isn't it? Goody two shoes.

It's like, oh, look at you with two shoes. Going around you. You smug, smug. It's all right for you, I say, walking off for a glass. In a circle. Two pamp two. Furious. Furious.

It's got two twos. Two plus two equals four. It's four out of five. Yes. Thank you very much. Some boos from George Orwell fans who are hoping for a five there now. Well, I've thought of a name for my musical instrument shop. What's the musical instrument shop staffed by skeletons?

No, that's not it. It's made of entirely... Sorry, it's not a shop where you buy musical instruments from skeletons. Instruments are made of skeletons. Of course. What's the name of the shop? Saxobone and more. We've been the Lawmen.

Good evening. Goodbye. The Law. Yes, obviously, I've been writing down names of skeleton-themed music shops. Obviously. Tibias and tubas. Excellent. Or clavicles and clavichords.

That's kind of the same idea done in two different ways. Yes. Piano Muerte. And whatever name we go with is going to have the byline, putting the bone in trombone. If you want to tacitly endorse any of this nonsense, you could do so on patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod. Do it.

Where you'll get access to bonus episodes and... Yes. Early access to field reports, including one where I go to the ruins of Papillon Hall. Thanks for coming. Thank you for watching on the stream, people on NextUp. It might be no one. We might be talking to no one. It's not actually NextUp.

What it is, is it's like a baby monitor for... For shoes. For shoes. And it's available in the lobby. Along with sax Bones and Sorry, I've known myself now. Shoe View. It's called Shoe View.

It's called Shoe View. I am the only investor and customer for Shoe View. Goody Two Shoe Views? That could be some sort of marketing slogan. Maybe a discount, yeah. Yeah. You have to pay extra if you? Maybe a discount, yeah. Yeah. You have to pay extra if you wanted to look at two shoes.

Yeah, you can only look at one shoe at a time. The entry level is just for one shoe.