Loremen Podcast - S3 Ep99: Loremen S3 Ep99 - Talking Heads

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

Since the dawn of time, humanity has dreamed of one thing: making a little robot head that talks in a funny voice. Alasdair and James chart the history of that dream, from Friar Bacon's diabolical brazen head to Professor Faber's ill-fated "Euphonia". With more body-horror than you would normally expect in an audio-based medium, it's the story of some of the strangest head-cases England has ever seen. Check out the full livestream on YouTube to hear from a mechanical man of our own creation - we call him Neal Iron... https://youtu.be/IOeCkMeHK8M Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And what follows, James, is a recording of a livestream you and I did last week in which I told you about several magical talking heads. Most of them were terrifying. They were all terrifying. I can't think of one that was

fine. At some point we were asking ourselves how did I get here? I'm still trying to do talking heads jokes. I'm still trying to get the stop making sense joke to work. This is not my beautiful robotic talking wife. This is not my beautiful robotic talking wife. This is not my bronze wall around the country of England.

If that made no sense to you, listen on. Quick question for you, James. Oh, yes. Do you know why England isn't surrounded by a giant wall made out of brass? Is it because it would corrode in the sea? Does brass corrode? Yes, brass goes green. It's an alloy of copper and something else.

Or is that bronze? Woefully unprepared for this episode. I'm going to have to Google what brass is. Copper and something. Copper and zinc. Copper and zinc. Oh, so what's bronze then? Let's forget about bronze for now, James. I was trying to do an intriguing start. I was trying to check off the gun. Not enough brass. There's simply not enough brass to do that. That might be one reason, but I am in the course of this episode going to tell you the real reason that england is not surrounded by a giant extremely impractical wall of brass i would like to tell you about some talking heads not the

band not the play by alan bennett this is a story of wacky inventors kooky scientists oh we're talking oddballs and small content warning some of these guys are kooky in that kind of really, really sad way. Some of the people we're going to talk about end up quite sadly. So be prepared. But some of it is lighthearted fun. So let's try and focus on that. I'd like to tell you about a device known as Professor Faber's talking machine, aka the Euphonia. Ooh, me-phonia. Annoyingly, euphonia is a very interesting word that in the next episode of Lawmen, you are going to ask me, what does that mean? Because we recorded that before this, creating a very confusing sense of time loop for the listeners.

So as you remember from next week, James, euphonia is a word that means lovely sound. I've sort of messed up that time loop by forgetting that euphonia means that. Oh, good. Did I do the me-phonia joke? Will I do the me-phonia joke next time, next week? I don't think you did. I think that joke stands.

Fair enough. That is't think you did. I think that joke stands. Fair enough. That is unique to this timeline. The euphonia, or Professor Faber's talking machine, is, I think, the best Victorian contraption ever. Whoa. And you know that that was a contraption-heavy era. Yeah, big time. Got a little picture of it here.

Check that guy out. It's got two keyboards. It's got a bellows. It's got the face of Deputy Lawperson Suze Kemper mounted on it. Wow. This was exhibited in London in the 1840s. And a theatrical impresario, John Hollingshead, in his autobiography, My Lifetime, wrote. This is a really, really long

quote. I want to quote it to you because his description of going to see Professor Faber's talking machine is full of atmosphere and detail, as well as, I think, a bit of sass. I think he gets the boot in a couple of times. So I'd like to read it to you, if I may. From John Hollingshead's autobiography, My Lifetime, written in 1895, but about the 1840s when Herr Faber exhibited the talking machine in London's Egyptian Hall, which is one of the brilliant buildings that got knocked down to be replaced with a less attractive building in London. Hollingshead writes, an exhibition opened in a dingy room at the Egyptian Hall, long before Albert Smith had made that badly constructed building popular. It was called

Euphonia and was miserably neglected, although a short leader in the Times said it was the duty of every intelligent Englishman to go and see it. He then complains for about two pages about having rheumatic fever. Getting back to the story. He hobbled into the Egyptian hall. I paid my shilling and was shown into a large room, half filled with boxes and lumber and badly lighted with lamps. In the centre was a box on a table looking like a rough piano without legs and having two keyboards. This was surmounted by a half-length weird figure, keyboards. This was surmounted by a half-length weird figure, rather bigger than a full-grown man with an automaton head and face looking more mysteriously vacant than such faces usually look.

Its mouth was large and opened like the jaws of Gorgibuster, a name I think for a giant. I don't know. The exhibitor, Professor Faber, was a sad-faced man dressed in respectable, well-worn clothes that were soiled by contact with tools, wood, and machinery. The professor was not too clean, and his hair and beard sadly wanted the attention of a barber. I have no doubt that he slept in the same room as his figure, his scientific Frankenstein monster.

This is getting a little bit personal. I don't think he's implying that they were doing it, James. I don't think that is the implication. You may draw your own inferences. That's all Hollingshead tells us. And also, as if you can tell just by looking at someone that yeah, that's what's going on. This one had

a body then, or does he just not understand that a table isn't the same as a slightly bigger than human body? Thank you for asking. So the version I just showed you had a woman's face, but other versions of it were exhibited with the appearance of an Orientalist depiction of a Middle Eastern gentleman with a long beard and a turban and things like that. So was it like early mobile phones? Do you remember the ones that you could kind of swap the screen covers off where the buttons were? Yes, it was like the way you could take the face off a car radio in the 90s. You would just take the lady's face off the euphonia,

preventing people from smashing the window. Yeah, they put people off sealing it. Did it still leave the eyeballs and mouth like you know yeah imagine a version of this machine that looks creepy but without a face yeah imagine that he goes on to say i felt the secret influence of an idea that the two were destined to live and die together which is him demonstrating an incredible ability to predict events that happened between the time of this and him writing the book. Oh, I see.

Quite how much faith you should put in that. I don't know. Also spoiler, I guess. And spoiler, it ends badly for Professor Faber. And the euphonium. And the euphonia. Or does it? The professor, with a slight German accent, he's actually from Austria, put his

wonderful toy in motion. It was not necessary to prove the absence of deception. One keyboard touched by the professor produced words which slowly and deliberately, in a hoarse, sepulchral voice, came from the mouth of the figure, as if from the depths of a tomb. It wanted little imagination to make the very few visitors believe that the figure contained an imprisoned human or half-human being bound to speak slowly

when tormented by the unseen power outside. Oh no! No one thought for a moment that they were being fooled by a second edition of the Invisible Girl fraud. What was the Invisible Girl fraud

first edition well there's a couple of frauds and i wonder if uh listeners might have um already been thinking of von kempelen's automaton in a similar turkish middle eastern dress who appeared to be able to play chess but was actually a little person in a box controlling a puppet that fooled everyone for a bit yeah the invisible girl was a an orb suspended in the middle of the room, which could answer questions put to it by the audience. Essentially, it was a ventriloquism act. It was quickly exposed.

But for a while, it had people taken in. What's less famous is that von Kempelen also made a precursor to this very talking machine. So just on the chest thing, do you think when they sort of came up also made a precursor to this very talking machine. So just on the chess thing, do you think when they sort of came up with that scam, they were like, it needs to play chess, that's part of the thing? Or was it like when you get a comedian that can play the guitar, they just start doing it just because they can do it anyway?

I guess the guy in the box, he had to be good at chess, otherwise the whole thing didn't work. I'm really doing this to get exposure and to become a chess master, a grandmaster of chess. This is the only way in. You've got to have a gimmick. Von Kempelen, as well as making that fraud, also created a talking machine. What's remarkable is that this machine worked at all,

and it has been reconstructed by youtuber fabian brackhain so let's listen to the sound of it now this is uh fon kempelen's talking machine not expecting anything creepy whoa i don't know if you can see james the words i'm no ventriloquist are appearing on the screen, reassuring you You don't need to with video editing You just, you know, touch a wooden box and then play over the sound of a sheep being kicked It really sounds like a duck

You'll see in a second why I haven't stopped what's happening Why I haven't intervened Oh, he's tickled it why I haven't stopped what's happening, why I haven't intervened. Oh, he's tickled it. Oh, it's like that goat that shouted Frank that time. My favourite part of that video is the bit where the graphic says, but how does it work?

Rather than the more pertinent question, does it work? Is that speech or why, if you had to create like a creepy automaton why would you have it say only the words mama and papa like it's being tortured into life well yeah maybe there maybe he didn't have a choice maybe he made it and that is what it said or you saw how a baby works because you get a baby and they yeah start off with mama papa, and then it kind of builds from there. So maybe they hoped...

He reasonably assumed that it would learn other words after that. Yeah. But it stayed forever in a revolting state of essentially a duck in a box. Why did it have to be in the box, though? Because the box didn't say... It sounded as terrifying whether it was in the box or not. I can't answer. What I can tell you is that Herr Faber's version was a significant improvement by all accounts.

In terms of its ability to actually say real words. Could it say banana as well? It could say pretty much any... It could speak any European language. What? I'm going to read you a little bit of uh promo pt barnum in 1872 paid twenty thousand dollars for six months use of it whoa i hope you put it on the stage and this is how a bit of pt barnum umph described it while the

bellows operate as the breath of life the glottis is moved in exact imitations of the human tongue by a delicate combination of little springs connected with keys similar to those of the pianoforte, each key representing the letters, vowels, consonants, diphthongs, and the umlauts even of the German language, so difficult in pronunciation by learners as to elicit applause from the most accomplished professors. So lifelike are its imitations of all the delicate shades of lingual pronunciation. It not only speaks out loudly and distinctly the rich round words of Die Muttersprache, but also gives the mellifluent liquids and sibilants of the Italian and French, the euphonism of Castilian, as well as the terrors of our own English vernacular. Terrors? That seems a bit much. Now, his story is a little bit confusing, because in the 1840s, it was exhibited for the King of Bavaria, and Professor Faber didn't have much success with it, and was prone, I think, as perhaps Hollingshead's account indicated to sort of dark moods. And it said that after a particularly poor reception,

he destroyed the machine and took his own life. Mechanics Magazine in 1844 says, Mr. Faber, the ingenious inventor of the talking machine at Philadelphia, totally destroyed it the other day in a fit of temporary derangement. That's all the information we give. What did the euphonium say to him, though? I don't want to victim blame. Was it a bit mouthy?

It was very mouthy. Its lips were made of India rubber and its larynx was made of a hippopotamus bone. Oh. How many bones do you have to go through before you realise hippopotamus is the one you need? Because there's no way you start on hippopotamus. You don't.

No, you don't begin with a hippopotamus. You don't open with hippo. No way. I don't want to be crude, but why didn't he just use a human's larynx? You want him to just sort of get a dead human like a real Frankenstein. That's disgusting. Wouldn't it be easier to get a giant bellows apparatus? Yeah, and a hippopotamus's thigh.

And travel around the country with it. I have to tell you, before we move on, the next piece from the Mechanics Magazine 1844 has no connection with the story, but I just liked it. Dr. Lardner is exhibiting a microscope in Charleston, South Carolina, which possesses wonderful magnifying powers. A flea seen under the highest of these powers appears to be about 40 feet in length.

No, it doesn't. That isn't how microscopes work. How could that work? How small is the microscope if you have to look? It just isn't true. It seems like a 40-foot flea that's 300 feet away from you. Yeah, no, it didn't happen. You didn't happen in the science magazine. Would you write in the next letter? I'm didn't happen in the science magazine would you write in i'm

didn't happen in mechanics magazine yeah telegram in didn't happen didn't happen stop yeah my my seldom used catchphrase didn't happen so there's a lot of confusion um on the internet uh and i've had to refer to don't tell me about it i I mean, really. Oh, no, about this. Yeah. No, there's a lot of misinformation, actually. Sorry, I wanted to make sure I got the website's name correct. I had to refer to, and I'm sure it's on the homepage for many of us, Antique Phonograph News, in order to try and clear this up. Because the accounts of Joseph Faber destroying his machine and dying predate Professor Faber continuing to tour

with the machine. This has led to much confusion, but I think it's explained by the fact that Professor Faber bequeathed his talking machine to his nephew, also called Joseph Faber, who continued to tour with it under the name Professor Faber, as well as elaborating and improving upon it. I'm starting to think the Autonomum was touring with members of the Faber family, and it just, when an old one, you know, had used the term, he found a new Joseph Faber to blow its bellows. There has always been a Joseph Faber. It's very confusing. Now, I've got to be honest. I listened to that

von Kempelen recording, and I wasn't hugely impressed with how much it sounded like a real human speaking. I think you speak for us all when you say, I don't think that is as bold a statement as you think it is. And what I wanted to do was I wanted to see how far speech reproduction technology had come. So I found a group of japanese scientists who are building one and i'm going to play that video for us now so you can see that if von kempelen is near the beginning faber is in the middle these guys are at the cutting edge of reproducing human speech oh james i can see you're leaning into the screen in delight i assume oh my this is from the youtube channel ikinamo oh i think this is it singing a popular japanese song like they got it in microphone professor sawada has been doing this research for over a decade really that's 10 years work now the

listener of course will have been listening to that thinking, hmm, a Japanese man singing popular song, Kagome, Kagome. In actual fact, that was the sound of a machine reproducing human speech. And James, using your gift for the English language, could you describe its appearance to the listener? It looked like a fleshlight that was being tortured. to the listener? It looked like a flashlight that was being tortured. It has very much got a sex toy vibe. It's all pink latex.

I did kind of want its first words to be, leave me alone. Part, of course, of that design is its ability to decide how to produce sounds the way a human might if it were a horrible pink tube. So it screams. It screams. To be honest, if you were just a pink tube that was being manipulated in that manner, you would just scream. Am I not basically a pink tube that's being manipulated? What is this life, if not life of uh essentially a pink tube so on seeing that i became very

skeptical of whether faber's talking machine actually worked bearing in mind that the technology we have now is basically able to go which i'm not an expert in japanese pop music but it doesn't all sound like that. Yeah, not the modern stuff. However, as far as I can tell, it really worked. Serious people went to see it. The scientist Joseph Henry went to see it, and Chambers magazine Edinburgh described in intricate detail how different keys created different sounds.

Fraud was a complete impossibility. Professor Faber would talk while also producing the sounds. It really wasn't a ventriloquism act. Delightfully, one of the things that the Chambers writer asks it to say is the Greek word for the sea, like our catchphrase, the sea, the sea. The sea, the sea. Which is actually, I think, thalassa, but he thinks it's thalassi. So, James, do you think you could say the word fallacy in, like, maybe a friendly automaton voice so that the listener can imagine what that would be like?

Yeah, if you were going to make a synthetic human voice, you would want to make it friendly. And so I think it would sound a little something like this. Fallacy! Fallacy! So, very, very friendly. I see. I see. So very, very friendly. So friendly. So friendly. Somebody pointed out in the chat, fraud was an impossibility.

Seriously, who would fake this? Great question. You play it like a keyboard kind of thing. Yes. So different keys produce different sounds. So because the professor only spoke German, basically, his English wasn't very good, he'd have to phonetically hear the words. But once they'd been repeated to him, he could

reproduce them using the machine with its hoarse, ghostly, friendly voice. Goat voice. Faber ends up quite badly. Whether Hollingshead is right about him taking his own life or not, I don't know. I do know that Faber, parter part also ends up quite badly his wife divorces him in 1885 according to the new york times did she run off with the machine she sues for divorce his defense being were even married which i don't think works in divorce court that's one of the things that they check not even married mate i don't know what you're talking about and then she tried to take her own life

by drinking Paris Green the Brooklyn Daily Eagle which is a newspaper not an eagle ah sad reported Mrs Mary Faber

the wife of Professor Faber who had travelled around the country for years with his talking machine took Paris Green yesterday at 207 East 25th Street New York when the police were about to take her from the room

Mrs Faber recovered consciousness for a moment and pointed to a satchel, declaring that the talking machine was in there. She wanted it sold to pay the rent. She will probably die. That's the end of the story of Professor Faber and his wonderful talking machine.

The main reason why the euphonia wasn't a hit, and we don't all have one in our house. Joseph Henry, incident incidentally imagined every church having one so that one person could give a sermon and then the robot would repeat it in in churches across the land churches are very much the forefront of this broadcasting technology like with all like live streaming stuff they're doing that same thing and they they should have got in there with the old love tube yeah he could he could have put Jesus's face on it. Yeah.

Jesus is lecturing love tubes. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

The crucial, crucial piece of information that I have missed out here is that the phonograph was invented in 1877 the internet says by edison i haven't checked 100 sure it wasn't him i don't think he invented any of this stuff but it was invented in 1877 rendering the grotesqueries of the euphonia somewhat unnecessary the euphonia was a failure and i'd like to tell you the story of another failure oh good because now i take you back in time okay just to be clear yeah yeah yeah so you're The euphonia was a failure. And I'd like to tell you the story of another failure. Oh, good. Because now I take you back in time. Okay.

Just to be clear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're not going to just return me to the podcast co-host shop. With your permission, I'd like to tell you about Friar Bacon's brazen head. Brazen in the sense of being made of brass rather than just being arrogant. Ah, Friar Bacon. Yes, his name is Friar Bacon. You sound like you have a joke to make about that name.

Yes, I had looked him up. Do you want me to tee it up in any way? No, I looked it up and I thought, actually, I've got it written down here. I thought that Fryer Bacon sounds like a delicious call to action. But do you know what his real name is? What's his real name? Roger Bacon, which sounds like a terrible call to action. Let's not.

And let the record show that my notes have essentially the same joke on them, produced separately. Yes. If anyone wants to study remote viewing and stuff like that, this is not evidence of it. That joke is an open and shut case. That's really the ability of two men who've known each other for quite a

while to come up with the same obvious pun, given the same material. He was also known as Dr. Mirabilis, or Wonderful

Teacher. And he and his assistant conjurers, Bungay and Vandermast. Yeah, I got nothing on them. Yep, just pausing

for you to absorb how good those names were. Bungay and of course Vandermast. And of course, obviously Vandermast. Yeah, I got nothing on them. Yep, just pausing for you to absorb how good those names were. Bungee. And, of course, Vandermast. And, of course, obviously, Vandermast. Could be Bungee. It could be Bungee.

I'm going to go with Bungee and Vandermast. Either way, they sound like an amazing pair of magicians. And he had, like most of us, looked at England and thought, you know what it's missing? Great big wall made out of brass going around the outside. Oh, these guys. Right. How much better would our nation be?

It's sort of Brexit 1.0. Make England great again by walling off the entire rest of the planet. He wanted to build a giant brass wall. That's the long and short of it. Roger Bacon, for a bit of context, is a very important figure. He invented gunpowder and science, both things that were invented by other people. So really important guy. And he might have given us England's famous giant brass wall, but for the events that follow. He didn't know how to make a giant wall made out of brass. So he thought the logical way to do this would be to

make a head out of brass identical to a human head both outside and inside so we made a full brass brain thinking that if anyone knows how to build a giant wall out of brass it would be a guy who was himself brass in the same way that if i wanted to make a wall out of human flesh i would ask you james yes what's the best way to go about that because my head is made out of human flesh your Because your head is made of human flesh. It's just science. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem was, having finished the brazen head, it wasn't alive.

And so... First of all, would you maybe make a head out of hay or straw and see if you can make a structure out of that? And then go along and make a head out of sticks? See that? Are you suggesting a Little Pigs scenario? Head out of bricks. And then he just went straight into brass he went straight to brass yeah just like he didn't try and build a straw wall around england because that would be ridiculous i wouldn't keep away a

single wolf that is a stupid idea it's an absolutely terrible idea he was stumped about how to animate the brass head and so he conjured a devil. I've got, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've got another question. Maybe... Carry on. If he didn't know how to make the brass head, what he should have done is made a head out of brass heads. And then that might know how to make a brass head, right?

Is that how it works? Ingrid MFH is suggesting making a head out of wall in order to find out how to make a wall. But that's quite a good idea. A head out of much smaller walls. He could maybe have just asked the devil how to make a wall out of brass. But look, he's got his methods. Who am I to question them?

And after a little bit of cajoling, the devil explained that the way you need to breathe life into the head is beneath it you need to burn six of the hottest simples. The hottest what? Yeah yeah simples means herbs hottest simples might be putting you in mind of love island or hot simples in your area it simples is an old-fashioned word for herbs or or medicaments medicine right which is why chinese five spice is only five spices if you were ever to add a sixth spice it'd be bringing things to life left right and center oh uh sorry shakeshaft life hack or perhaps addendum to a life hack i've done all spice is one product it's not all the spices what i honestly thought it was a mixture of all spices no it's one thing it's got a different name in america because i thought oh all spice well i've

got chinese five spice so I'm on the way. Yeah, that's a portion. So what kind of spice is allspice? Sort of like star anise. It's a bit like that. Yeah. It occurs to me this is probably also why there were only five Spice Girls. Because had there been a sixth Spice Girl that was equally hot,

then we would have had real trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Proper Doctor Who situation there. Yes. girl yes that was equally hot yeah then what are you gonna do we would have had real trouble yeah yeah yeah proper doctor who situation there yes you are listening to lawmen the leading how many spices debate channel spice world there's a lot of spice in the chat as well so it's very this has been a very spicy episode especially that weird pink tube the devil explained how to bring the head to life but left a warning with them before departing, which was if they weren't there when the head started speaking, they'd miss it.

You only get one chance with a brazen head. Right, okay. Well, that's kind of fair enough. Yeah, that's reasonable. If I'm going to go to all the trouble of animating your metal head, you can blooming listen to it, Roger Bacon. Not a request. Put it down, Roger.

So they did, as you would expect, they got the simples a-fuming and they waited and waited and waited. And I think three weeks passed and it still hadn't said anything. And he and his assistants were getting very, very tired. And so they thought, we need a nap. And so then they brought in a hitherto unmentioned assistant, who I warn you is a numpty. And his name was Miles.

I'm visualising Miles' tails per hour from the Sonic the Hedgehog games, the fox, who in researching this, I only just found out that his name is a pun, Miles per hour. Miles per hour. Yes. I see that. I didn't know that. that that's good that's a good pun miles i saw him as a sort of a bumbling toff figure called miles miles is quite a posh name yeah yeah he's got a rugger top on i mean that would explain a few things that happen so bacon pops off to bed for a short a short little bit of shut up power now leaving miles in charge of the head now miles knows that the head is going to speak and if the head does

speak he should go and get fryer bacon he's left alone and to keep himself awake he just sings a little song and when he's finished singing that song the head speaks the words time is could you say that perhaps in a friendly voice time is friendly very friendly now miles thinks to himself that probably wasn't enough talking to warrant fetching fryer bacon who expressly told me to fetch him if it spoke so i'll just tease the head and then sing another song and he teases the head and sings another song do you tell us copper nose when time is he says in a sentence that doesn't really make any sense the head then speaks again and says the words time was friendly miles quick as a flash sings a third lengthy song for no reason sat again satirizing this automaton and their head finally speaks the words time is past time is past friendly and then

exploded with a terrible noise and strange flashes of light waking upar Bacon, who rushes in and is absolutely, as I think all of us are now, furious with Miles. And he's like, you idiot! Miles! Now England will never be surrounded by a giant wall of brass! Oh yeah, I forgot the reason they were doing this, which is absolutely ridiculous. So finally, James, that's the reason England isn't surrounded, as we all hope it one day will be, with a giant wall

of brass. Because of Bloomin' Miles. Are you ready to score these fabulous talking heads, these wondrous talking machines, James? Big time. Big time. My first category. Names. The Euphonia. Me-phonia? Euphonia. Bunjay

and Vanderbilt, whatever he was called. Hold on. The Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of this. Yes. Of Roger Bacon's Hamlet. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are head. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. And Roger Bacon's Hamlet does sound like that might be the child that happened after his horrible experiments. Dr. Mirabilis. Dr. Mirabilis. Dr. Mirabilis. Yeah, there are some great names. Professor Faber's Wonderful Talking Machine. The Professor's Faber. Probably should have been Faber.

That's probably how Germans would pronounce it. Sorry, Germany. Antique Phonograph News. APN. News breaking from the APN. It's a five out of five, definitely. Very nice. Thank you.

Thank you very much. My second category is supernatural. Now, I'll concede, many people thought that Professor Faber's talking head was actually telling the future, or, you know, was actually an oracle. By many people, I mean at least one old woman, based on my research.

It's not particularly supernatural, but I think you'll agree that fryer bacon's brass head is pretty spooky plus the devil was involved in that bit so well i mean it's simple science though isn't it if you want to make a brass wall you're gonna ask a brass head you need a brass brain takes a thief to catch a thief takes a brass head to design and implement an extensive brass wall to keep the french out any technology sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. And I think you'll agree. Do I need to play that Japanese video again?

Do I need to convince you that the technology I have shown you... Oh, no, that is haunting my nightmares. Yeah, it's a fair three, think all right okay because even the devil was like i was phoning it in you phoning it in my next category and i think i'm pretty confident about this one making a brass of yourself yeah yes yes a lot of people made brass we got miles top numpty absolutely appalling numpty behavior but also to fryer slash roger bacon and his cohorts they're really let themselves down by putting miles in charge don't put miles in charge i'm putting miles on brass head duty i don't want to be critical of

the youtubers and scientists who have created those talking machines why not but let's be honest they're nightmarish absolutely grotesque and horrific in every respect. And of course, Professor Faber, who created what must have been a pretty extraordinary machine and impressed virtually nobody with it, in spite of the fact that nobody before or since has ever managed anything approaching how good it was. Yeah, as people in the chat pointed out, the people that made the sex toy, they sort of fit into that pun somehow as well, I think. Yes, making an orifice of some kind.

Yeah, I think it's a four because there was no bit in a foundry where someone dipped themselves in molten brass. You can't have everything. Final category. Are you ready for this one? Spice. Spice. It was a very spicy episode.

Ever so spicy. It got real. We've got historical fact. We've got lore, legend, mystery. You can only imagine. Chinese five spice. Yeah, and all spice, maybe. And all spice, which is, I'm not a mathematician,

but all is way more than five. It is. And you've got the very spice of whatever the euphonium was saying to professor faber in order to wind him up so much he attacks it's sarky needles spicy oh that's some spicy back chat yeah we've got john john hollings heads very very caustic description of professor the needlessly scruffy professor faber yeah he's bringing a lot of spice to the gumbo in that one i think um yeah it's it's it's spice world it's spice up your life it's it's five out of five it's five spice girls thank you it's chinese

five spice it's all spice five out of five that's just a little round of applause for me for getting five. Mm, yeah. Well, that turned out to be a lot of fun. And if people wanted to see the many, many minutes of material that didn't make it into the podcast, what can they do, James? Well, you can look at that on our YouTube channel, youtube.com forward slash lawmen podcast, where you can see a lot of these heads' actual faces. Nightmarish faces.

And our faces. Equally nightmarish. And if you check out the live stream, you'll also see the world's greatest dad joke. It's pretty impressive. If you've enjoyed this episode, why not rate or review it yeah or make a comment on that youtube saying give neil iron his own spin-off series eye on britain i don't know if i've told you this j. I've been working on a brass head of my own.

Oh. Well, a metal head. I call it Neil Iron. And I'd like to ask you, Neil. Hello. Would you sing the national anthem for us? What about if I sang the Lawmen theme tune? The Lawmen theme tune with lyrics provided by Lisa, the listener.

With the new lyrics. On the Discord. On the Discord, which you can join if you are part of the Patreon. theme tune with lyrics provided by Lisa the listener with the new lyrics on the discord on the discord which you can join if you are part of the patreon yep yep patreon.com forward slash lawman pod if

you want to be able to write lyrics to the theme tune that's literally the only way of doing it if you want to control a robot head then that's how you do it take it

away Neil Ion law what's the what's it now law man it's a podcast about local legends from days of yore discover obscure curiosity from olden days john james shakeshaft and alistair becker king and funny guests convenience you love as they investigate entertaining forgotten folklore i've forgotten i've forgotten. I can't. I'm not going to lie. I've forgotten the tune. Well, look, I think I speak for everyone when I say that was awful. Yeah.

That went really badly.