Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep1: Loremen S4 Ep 1 - William Adams, The First Englishman in Japan Part 2

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

It's season four of Loremen! It's 4oremen. 4men? Either way, we're one man short of opening a profitable burger chain. And it's time for William Adams 2: The Secret of the Ooze. The first Englishman in Japan is starting to get comfortable in his new home/prison, but he is about to run into Jesuits, the East India Company and a particularly unpleasant maritime pornographer. Prepare yourself for a tale of hubris, smooth-talkers and a very rude misreading of 'Three Mile Island'. For a more fulsome (and less silly) telling of the story, James's main source for this episode was Giles Milton's wonderful book, Samurai William. Content Warning: No new willies are pulled off in this episode. But we do reference the willy-pulling in S3 Ep107. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And welcome to something that they said could never be done. They said it wasn't going to happen. They said it couldn't happen, but it did. It's series four. We started a new season, or series.

If it were a film, it would be called Four Men with the number four instead of Law Men. Would it be in place of one of the letters, confusingly? Yes. Like seven and... Yeah, it would be like Four Or Men if you were to read it phonetically. And this is the thrilling conclusion of your tale from last series. Yeah, we ended on a cliffhanger and we're clambering up that cliff to do part two. James?

Yeah? Can I do a previously on Ormen? If I can say the words previously on Ormen, because I've been practising them. So I'm allowed to say previously on lawmen. But then I'll say it as well. You'll also say it as well. Okay. And hopefully better.

I think that's quite childish of you. There's a lot of pressure now. Yeah. Okay. Previously on lawmen. Oh, that is good. That's what's to beat. Of all the voices that we both have tried to do there's only two that i could

potentially beat on one is this the trailer man voice because of the depths of my voice and the other one is me although your impression is very good i'm james shakeshaft i could do the trailer man voice oh hello i'm a friendly giant oh, did I step on your house? Previously on Lormen. It is better. It's better. You were right. Previously on Lormen. Previously on Lormen. Nah, I've lost it, actually. Tweet us to say who you think was best at saying previously on L Lawmen. Now it's time for a little recap of the last episode.

No, not again. Please, no. All right. So what happened in the previous episode of Lawmen, James? No less previous series. Oh, what happened in the finale of season three of Lawmen? The cliffhanger finale. I told the first part of the story of William Adams.

I was there as well. During the story, I wasn't there on the voyage to Japan. I was hardly involved in that at all. Good, because I would be very much William Adams-splaining to you. What happened? I can remember a lot of penguins being killed and very little else. It was basically a really badly managed boat trip from Rotterdam to Japan. They weren't actually trying to go to Japan. They were trying to go to near Java, but they decided to go the west way rather than the eastern route. Meh.

Meh. So they went down to the bottom Africa, turned west rather than turned east. No. For some reason. What are you doing? There were five boats and almost everyone died. Yep. One boat finally washed up in Japan with 24 people left on board. They were all really ill.

I'm not surprised after all that penguin meat. Yeah, they ate penguins on the way. They had rocks thrown at them. Not by penguins, but they would have deserved it. The captain's barber had his willy pulled off. Post-mortem. Oh, post-mortem is so important there. If you're going to have it pulled off, I think that's when you want it to happen, I suppose. Best time to do it. Yeah. So this is part two. William Adams has arrived in Japan. That plucky, young shipwright. Willie adds. I get a lot of that in my spam email, don't you? I suppose it's the thing that, as a man, that you have to put up with,

which is a lot lower level than what women have to put up with from the internet. It's not that bad. I just get spam emails about hot milfs in my area. I don't think we can include what I'm about to say in the podcast, but there's a new documentary on Netflix about Three Mile Island, and I misread it as Three Milf Island. I thought it sounded like a reality TV show. So I said, I'm not even sure that's enough milfs.

You're not going to get more than four episodes, surely? I'm thinking there's going to be a reunion episode. So William Adams landed on Three Milf Island. If you don't know what milf is, and you look it up, it's not our fault. We didn't come up with it. We're just repeating pop culture. Yet another acronym I don't endorse.

Oh, Alistair, before we start part two. Yeah? It's corrections. I've not had to do this before. And it's not because I've been infallible. It's because we've never done a two-parter. So I've always managed to duck away from my responsibilities. It's not that you've never had to do it before, it's just that you've never done it before. Okay. So first up, this really annoyed me.

When referring to the islands of Japan, I referred to the most Northern island as Sapporo, when it is actually called Hokkaido. How could you get that wrong? Well, Sapporo is the capital city. To contextualise it for someone who's not familiar with the islands of Japan, I basically said Great Britain is made of England, Wales, Northern Ireland and Edinburgh. That is terrible. That's really bad. Now, in our assertion that Europeans did not bathe, that's more a generalisation. Are you sure we weren't saying that specifically about the Portuguese? I can't tell if we were being historically inaccurate or offensive to Portuguese people when we said that. I think it was most Northern Europeans. Some Northern Europeans did bathe. There were bathhouses.

Yeah, but these guys had just got off a ship, hadn't they? They would definitely smell. They would have been smelly. I think we can fight back on that one. In the mid-1500s, there was an outbreak of something in Holland that meant that everyone stopped bathing because they thought that's how you caught this thing. I can't remember what the thing was, but it was an outbreak of a disease. So those Dutch people probably didn't bathe.

Yep. So we were right. Yeah. The people who complained need to issue a correction. Yeah. So these stinky sailors have just arrived in Japan. Stinky guys. In Bungo.

So it's William Adams and the rest of the crew of the Lefter. There are 24 left alive of approximately 110, 120 who set sail on that one boat. There were a number of other boats. None of them made it. Only six of those were even able to stand, according to William. And they were boarded by a bunch of Japanese soldiers who, in his diary, William points out, had great hair and snazzy clothes and sweet swords. I'm paraphrasing broadly. My main source for this is the book Samurai William by Giles Milton, which is really good.

It's basically he's gone through William Adams' diaries and another man's diaries who we'll get to and told the story in a very fun way. So they're on the boat, they're ill, they're barely able to stand and their ship gets ransacked by these Japanese boarders. These hot Japanese boarders. Oh no, don't ransack our ship. Guys.

He tried to talk to them in Dutch and Portuguese, but they didn't. They were Japanese. They didn't understand it. That was the main issue there. All they could make out was one word, which was bungo. They had a vague idea that they were in the place that the other people had found all those years ago. And the new local ruler heard about the Lefter, and he ordered these guys to be treated well and returned some of their stuff.

And the soldiers that boarded, the hot soldiers, were punished, apparently. I haven't got the details of that punishment, but it was probably bad. William and the crew were given a little house, fresh water and fruit. It was a bit too late for 10 of the crew. They died. Of the ones left alive, they were pretty pleased with themselves. However, where they had landed was Jesuit country. Jesuit country?

Do you know what a Jesuit is? As in Ignatius Loyola's Jesuits? Yeah, that lot, that mob. The Portuguese had basically left a bunch of Jesuits there who had set about converting Japanese people and kind of ingratiated themselves with the local authorities. Traditionally and historically, even though Jesuits are a sect of Christianity,

it's been fine to regard them as mysterious and suspicious schemers because that's the way they appear in paintings and books and things. Yeah. And they did a lot of suspicious scheming. And all of that scheming. Ignatius Loyola, I think was his name. He was a soldier who was injured in war and was sick in bed for a very long time recovering. And while he was sick in bed, he conceived of the idea of sending up the Jesuits who went on to wear black and i think steeple their fingers yeah yeah yeah although that's really unfair but that was that is the way they've been depicted historically they've done some bad stuff i'm not saying no one else has done bad stuff but they have done some bad things they're there if you go to the wik page, your eye is drawn to the heading

controversies. I love the controversy section. Some of this stuff may be forgeries, but there is the Moneta Secreta, the secret instructions of the Jesuits, published in 1612, and it describes the methods that they used for their acquisition of power and influence. The Catholic Encyclopedia says the books are forgery, fabricated to ascribe a sinister reputation for the society of Jesus, Jesuits. They were banished from France after a Jesuit tried to assassinate the King of France. How bad do you have to be to be banished from France?

Yeah, for trying to kill a king. They love that stuff. So these Jesuits were acting as translators for Adams and his men, and they started to realize they were being translated 100% accurately. In fact, the Jesuits were referring to these chaps as pirates, and the Japanese did not like pirates. Who doesn't like pirates? Ah, the Japanese.

I suppose, to be honest, if you've got samurais, why do you need pirates? If you've got a lot of coastline as well, you probably get annoyed with pirates. Yeah, you've answered my question there. Who doesn't like pirates? People with experience of pirates in real life is the answer to that question. People who convey goods by sea. Honest, upstanding seafarers. One of the punishments for piracy was crucifixion,

the Japanese version of crucifixion, which involved you being up on a sort of cross, but your feet also, two horizontal bars, one for the arms, one for the feet. And they would stick a spear in you. And apparently the people that stuck them spears in were very good at missing vital organs. And they just keep sticking spears in you. And apparently the people that stuck them spears in were very good at missing vital organs. And they put, just keep sticking spears in you like a pop-up pirate, but an actual person.

Also, the Jesuits, they didn't want the Dutch coming over because the Dutch and Adams were Protestants. Oh, they're going to hate that. I don't know if you know this, Alistair, there's quite the rivalry between Catholics and Protestants. Oh, they're going to hate that. I don't know if you know this, Alistair, there's quite the rivalry between Catholics and Protestants. Yes, I'm aware of that beef. We do not have time to go into that now, but...

Are you going to leave that there? You're not going to resolve who's right out of Catholics and Protestants? I can't believe that. You don't have a quick pricey of the controversies around transubstantiation. Is that all it boils down to? It's a few other things.

How many theses did Martin Luther write? How many what's? 95 theses. Oh, theses with a TH. Yes, 95. You don't want to be saying that if you're a bleeding cockney. I mean, if he'd nailed his poo to a church door. Well, no wonder people got annoyed.

That's why the Pope was so angry, because his assistant was a cockney. He's done what? Your holiness, you'll never get what Martin Luther's done. He's only nailed 95 faeces to the door. Get out of my church, you. You dirty so-and-so. I want you to get down to the diet of worms and have a butchers. Martin Luther, do not do your dirty protest in my church.

That is God's ass. That's where Jesus lives. The cockney pronunciation of house as ass is one of the most revolting features of the accent. Especially if you're nailing feces to an ass. There we go. Protestantism in a nutshell. I think we've sorted that out.

The big ruler of the local area, the shogun, Tokugawa Ieyasu, wanted an audience with William Adams. Is this like an audience with Billy Connolly? Is it that sort of a thing where it's mostly celebrities? Adams thought this guy was the king of Japan. He wasn't. Japan was a bunch of warring city-states headed by different shoguns, ostensibly all under the command of one emperor. However, by this time in the history, the emperor was really just kind of a puppet figure. Accounts of the time describe his palace as being almost like a prison, and everyone's really poor

because all the shoguns are too busy spending money on fighting each other to actually give any money to the emperor like they're supposed to. The emperor is this religious figure with his monks, and they're all starving and living in this sort of crumbling castle. Being an emperor in Japan at that time was not as good as you might have thought it would have been. But Tokugawa Ieyasu was the very powerful shogun of this area. His home base was Osaka Castle, and William Adams and his men were ordered to sail their boat up the coast to Osaka Castle. Fun fact, Osaka is the city that I used to live in when I lived in Japan. I was only a short bike ride away from this castle. What does it look like?

I don't know how to visualize a Japanese castle. The base level is like big blocks, and then you've got white walls, very steep, and then lots of layers of those kind of rooftops, you know, pigging out with a little flare on the end that look really cool. Yes, yes, I can visualize it now. That's your Japanese castle. This one was massive. It's described as a curious mixture of the opulent and the spartan.

Very little furniture, yet the doors and frameworks glittered with gold leaf and walls were lined with handmade paper decorated with trees, springs, birds and lakes. Classy is what it was. Different areas of the castle were sort of themed on different seasons. I mean, this is getting a little bit more Crystal Maze, but it was done classy. Yeah, and then there was an ice room and a fire one with lava. There was an underwater room.

Yeah, everyone hated that room. Yeah, and one of the rooms where you go in and you immediately start walking and go down a pipe. And a scrolling room where it scrolls. As my friend calls them, pushy levels. Pushy levels?

They are pushy, actually. Playing through Mario World and we get to one of them and we're like, oh no, it's a pushy level. I've never met anyone who goes,

oh great, a level in which I can't relax. So, yes, this Ieyasu was very interested in the outside world. He always wanted to speak to people who managed to get to Japan. In fact, the year before, he had summoned a Franciscan monk

who he wanted to persuade the Spanish in the Philippines to come and teach him how to make boats. Because whilst the Japanese had very good boats for going around their coastline, they didn't have big sort of ocean-going vessels. And that's what they really wanted to learn. Is ships the word we're looking for here? Yeah, probably, yes.

I don't want to have to issue another correction, but we've been talking about boats a lot in this story, which definitely is about ships. Oh, so yeah, he wanted to get foreign shipwrights to teach them how to make good ships. And everyone came to Japan, saw the sunrise and were like, yeah, we're not going to teach you how to come to our country, mate. I only mentioned that Franciscan monk because his name was Geronimo de Jesus.

That's for if you jump out of a plane and realize you're not wearing a parachute yeah yeah yeah come on we're gonna have to geronimo this jesus i don't know what that means and yeah he had a big old chat with adams and it seemed to be going quite well it got to the point where um adams told iyasu about the route they had taken And one of the things that Adams had managed to salvage from his boat was this very fancy map of the world. And he was pointing out that they went from Rotterdam, round Africa, all the way down to the bottom, and then headed west. And at this point, Ieyasu didn't believe him anymore. He thought he was lying, basically, as you did when I was telling you in part one. So Adams ended up under house arrest. He had another ordinance with

Ieyasu and was allowed to go back onto the Liefda to see his men, who kind of thought he'd died. So the rest of the men were still on the boat in Osaka port. This was something I didn't really appreciate before. Certainly very much in the olden days when people sailed to another country, they mostly stayed on their boat, even when they got to port. I assumed they'd get off the boat, but that's where all their stuff is. So they'd stay on their boat. I didn't really appreciate that. Oh yeah. No, it had never occurred to me. I would have thought they'd get shore leave or something. No, they all stayed on the boat and that comes into play a little bit later. Adams went on the boat. Everyone was really amazed. He was even still alive, to be honest.

They got given a bunch of money, but they weren't allowed to leave. Adams, it says in his diary, I sought by all means to get our ship clear. They tried bribing people to get out and people just took their money and didn't let them out. And they ran out of all the money they'd been given. There's only so far you can bribe people with penguin meat. they've been given. There's only so far you can bribe people with penguin meat.

But the reason EESO wanted them, or more realistically wanted their boat, was because he was having a big old war at the time

and that boat was full of cannons. Then there was a big battle and they used the cannons of the Lefter and he won that battle.

Adams and his men were in very good favour, but they were not allowed to leave. They were all given houses, all the men. They were given an allowance of two pounds weight of rice a day, which is not bad. The Liefde was getting more and more tired. They needed to fix it if they had any chance of getting home.

If you're imagining this ship, he's got a figurehead, right? Yeah, probably a young lady with her parts out. No. No? No, it was the philosopher Erasmus. Oh. That was their figurehead. Oh, I bet the long nights at sea flew by with a figurehead of Erasmus,

the famous scholar. At least do one of the hot scholars. At one point, one of the men hacked it off. What did he hack off? The whole thing. Oh, the figurehead. The Erasmus to have it as a keepsake. And presumably unrelated, shortly afterwards, the leaf broke apart and slipped beneath the waves.

The sailors realised they were stuck in Japan now for a long time. That wasn't particularly annoying for Ieyasu as well, because he really wanted that boat. He had his eye on that boat, yeah. So he told Adams to make him a new boat. Now, Adams had been an apprenticeship, right? And he was a bit better at the captaining of the boat than the actual building of the boat. But he understood the principles and he realised he was darned

if he would do and darned if he don't. He's either going to make a boat that's not very good or not make a boat. And why other reason is he ESO keeping him alive? So they managed to make a boat that's not very good or not make a boat and why are the reason is iaso keeping him alive so they managed to make a boat that was a bit smaller than leifta but was pretty good and this impressed iaso well done willy adds yeah but he still really wanted to go home he's got a wife and daughter at home he wants to get back to england by now he's kind of got the ear of iaso and the jesuits et al uh not too happy with it. They're trying to convince him that

he can get passage home, but he's starting to realise they'll probably kill him because they don't want word to get back of how much money can be made in Japan, basically. Here's a fun sidebar. There was a small Franciscan monk community and they tried to convert Adams and his men. I thought you were going to say there was a small Franciscan monk. Well, there was. What was his name? According to Giles Milton, this monk was fanatical, but decidedly crazy. And it was a friar called Juan de Madrid.

Nice. That sounds like a name we would invent as an example of a Spanish person. John the Birmingham. Steve Barcelona. He wanted to convert them. And he was like, I'll do a miracle for you. All right. He brought William and his men to this bay

and he pointed at these two mountains on either side of the bay. And he was like, you choose. I'll either move that tree from the top of that hill to the top of that hill, or I'll make one of the hills disappear. It's a very David Copperfield miracle so far. Is he wearing a billowy shirt? Of course he was.

He was Spanish. Apparently William and his men just took the mickey out of him and were like well if you make the mountain disappear i think the farmer will be annoyed wow yeah because if he farms on that mountain yeah the friar was like fine okay i've got a different one i'll either make the sun stand still in the sky or i'll walk on water on that bay. And the men again took the mickey. They were like, well, we don't want the sun standing still. We'll get sunburn. How about you walk on water?

They're being so sassy to this guy. They are really sassing this Franciscan monk, John the Madrid. They basically agreed, okay, you do the walking on water. The friar began to prepare himself for it. And he strapped himself to a massive wooden cross. And at this point, William and his men started to get a little bit nervous because they thought he's got a trick. He's got a trick up one of them billowy sleeves. Juan de Copperfield.

Religious Spanish David Copperfield de Madrid. I know David Blaine's also called David. Are there any magicians with decent first names? Sorry, you're suggesting that Derren isn't a decent first name? He's not a magician. He is a magician. He's a trickster demon. The greatest trick the magician ever pulled was convincing you

that he was a psychological illusionist when he's a magician. David Devont, also called David. Everyone want to know who Deany? No one want to know how Deany. That's what I always think about, also called David. Everyone want to know who Deeney? No one want to know how Deeney. That's what I always think about, who Deeney. So, yeah, they're worried that this Paul Daniels de Madrid has got a trick up his sleeve, that this big wooden cross is some sort of flotation device.

Yeah, that's what I would be thinking. They needn't have worried. It really wasn't. He just walked out into the bay. If anything, it was holding him down. He walked out into the bay till his head was completely underwater you think he would have realized before that point that he was not walking on water if you're not walking on water once it gets to your neck it's not going to kick in on the next step is it i'm just going to keep going the next morning adams went to visit him and found him sick in his bed

because he lives in a sitcom where if you get wet in one scene in the next scene you have to be wrapped in a towel and sneeze yeah with a thermometer through the thermometer in his mouth he said four how do you believe that i could have done it i had assuredly accomplished it well at least adams brought him a big mug of cocoa with marshmallows in it but anyway basically this monk was humiliated and got himself out of the country. He got back to Manila and his reputation had preceded him and he had the nickname O Milagrero, the Miracle Monger. And everyone took the mickey out of him for the rest of his days. Rightly so. He really put his foot in it.

Nice. A little bit of double meaning for you there, James. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Ieyasu wanted to keep Adams there because he knew he could build him boats and he kind of liked him. So he basically decided to bribe him to stay. He showered him with honours and land and property. He was given this massive country estate with 80 or 90 husbandmen, slaves or servants, to look after. That's a lot better than he would have had in Rotherhithe. Yep, yep. He was given the title of Hatamoto, which is a banner man. Basically, the only other people who had that were samurais, and no one who wasn't

Japanese had ever had it before. That's pretty cool. This is where William Adams, Samurai William, becomes a samurai. He started wearing Japanese clothes. He started having his hair all nice. Yeah, like a hot soldier. He's basically turned himself into that hot soldier from earlier. He got given a Japanese name, Anjin Sama, or Mr. Pilot. Cool, good name. Yeah.

It also seems a bit sarcastic, since we know that he turned the wrong way at the bottom of Africa. Yeah, and crashed into Japan. He married a Japanese woman. Yeah. Well. Even though he says he still missed his wife and daughter and wrote them letters all the time.

So he's a bigamist now. I don't approve of that. International bigamist. International bigamist and samurai. You're just making him sound cooler and cooler. However, William Adams' fortunes were to change for the even better because the jesuits found themselves in a spot of bother when a big old portuguese ship arrived in 1609 the noso senhora de gracia our lady of grace i do not not know what the Portuguese accent should sound like,

so that's my best guess. I thought it was really good. Do it Cockney? Yeah, do it Cockney, do it Cockney. Nossa Senhora de Graça. Lovely. Our Lady of Grace. And this had 200 tonnes of silk on board,

which was worth 600,000 cruzados. And no, I don't know what a cruzado is. That's a lot of them. And it had a load of silver bullion on it. And at this point, the Jesuits were very happy because this was a Portuguese guy. He was coming to Japan all flashy and it was going to raise their standing massively.

Unfortunately, the captain of that ship was a chap called Andre Pessoa, who had just been in Macau recently, where a band of Japanese sailors had apparently done some naughty stuff, and he had responded by storming into their lodgings and killing a load of them. Cleverly, Ieyasu summoned the captain to his court with the assurance that he was going to receive a full pardon for the whole murders thing. Yeah. Cleverly, Ieyasu summoned the captain to his court with the assurance that he was going to receive a full pardon for the whole murders thing. Yeah. However, this captain, a little bit smarter than our captain in part one, he refused to go ashore. A battle ensues.

Yeah. I'm amazed at how often that ruse has worked in history. Yeah. Come and meet me, your mortal enemy, at my house. I promise not to poison you or have loads of guards jump out from behind the curtains it happens every single time good on him for having read at least one book well maybe we just we only hear about the times it goes wrong there's many many times where mortal enemies are invited to each other's houses just really get on yeah and

that doesn't make the news when they just have a nice dinner party. We all talk about the come dine with me's where the man says, you're like a hippopotamus reversing. No one talks about the come dine with me's when they just have a lovely time and don't find anything embarrassing in each other's drawers. Yeah, so what a sad little life. I hope these silks make you very happy. 1,200 samurai warriors prepared for an assault. However, they went on boats towards this big boat that had a load of cannons.

Pessoa shot two broadsides that smashed the boats to pieces. And apparently, to add insult to injury, each shot was accompanied by a concert of trumpets. Each shot was accompanied by a concert of trumpets. That seems weirdly unnecessary to add sound effects in the middle of a war. How did he manage to arrive with trumpet players, whereas the other guys came with like four crewmen and a big pile of penguin meat? Because they went the correct way.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the normal way. So the Japanese tried a different tack. They built a massive tower that they carried over with two boats and they covered the tower in wet materials so that the portuguese couldn't set fire to it very clever i think oh very clever yeah yeah and an extra 1800 samurai were on this so they got right up there some japanese fighters got on board but they were overcome by the Portuguese defenders. And the smooth jazz. Apparently, Pessoa himself killed two Japanese samurai with his own hands and guns, presumably, that were in those hands.

Either you've done that joke before or I just got deja vu. It was going pretty well for the Portuguese until a musket shot struck a grenade and the sail burst into flames. And apparently within seconds, the whole top of the ship was on fire. Pessoa realised they'd lost. So, high on excitement and half deranged by the heat, he now decided on a spectacular finale.

With an intrepid heart, he put down his sword and shield in a cabin without saying another word and, taking a crucifix in one hand and a firebrand in another, he went below word and taking a crucifix in one hand and a fire brand in another he went below decks and set fire to the powder magazine not the powder magazine that's my favorite magazine i got a subscription a copper lined room i think full of gunpowder basically a big bomb the bomb a big bomb yeah in the middle of the ship. The big bomb that we keep in the middle of our wooden ship, yeah.

And it blew up. It split in two and sank into the water. Pessoa atomized. If Portugal can't have her, no one can. Even though he's going to sell it to him. That's why he was there. Oh, yeah. What an idiot.

Well, at least the silver will probably survive the explosion. Yeah, although apparently it's 32 fathoms deep. Probably a bit much, bearing in mind they didn't know how to make boats. Yeah, let alone subs. I suppose they could make boats that sink. Which is the first step towards making a submarine, yeah. Hey, halfway there. Yeah, Ieyasu was furious.

He threatened to kill every Portuguese trader in Nagasaki and exile every Jesuit in the land. William Adams was promoted to his chief interpreter. He got his promotion by a madman coming and blowing up a ship, basically. So William Adams is pretty, pretty powerful now. This is the time that England can set up a base in Japan and have a good old go at trying trade with them. A captain is sent from England, Captain Sarris. He was quite eccentric. Saucy Sarris? Yes, you got it in one. He was a saucy one. Apparently, his captain's cabin is full of

porn. What? His cabin was decorated with an array of plump and buxom nudes. Wow. Photographs from Three Milf Island. Yeah. He had a large canvas of a naked and plump-breasted Venus, very lasciviously set out. He was a saucy one. Evidently, the East India Company did not know about this

when they set him up to be the captain and main ambassador to Japan. And they sent him on a ship called the Clove. Some of the crew air a saucy bunch as well. There was one, a Christopher Evans. Chris Evans? Yeah, yeah, maybe that one. Off of TF5 Friday? Or the Marvel films?

He had a long history of outlandish behaviour. Just like Chris Evans? Just like Chris Evans. And he was a very good swimmer. I don't know if that's just like Chris Evans. But he would swim ashore and and in most lewd fashion, spending his time in baseboardy places, denying to come aboard. I'm sure you can imagine what sort of baseboardy places there are near docks in the 1600s.

Yes, I can. Non-stop bowling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All you can bowl, bowling, Alice. Yeah, the clonk of ball on pin was all he heard. Captain Saris finally got Adams to come and visit him, and Adams was like, okay, I'll take you to see the Shogun. So Captain Saris, saucy Captain Saris,

left his boat in the charge of one of the merchants, a Mr. Richard Cox. There's an abbreviation. There's a hilarious abbreviation to that name. Yep. That we can't say. No. But we can think it. They can't stop us thinking of James. They can't.

Not yet. Richie Cox. Adams took Saris to visit Ieyasu. Ieyasu receives from Saris a letter from King James and a really amazing telescope, which was apparently the first telescope to leave Europe or something like that. And I believe that still exists.

Ieyasu is very impressed with this. He sends a lovely message back to King James and two suits of armour, which I believe are in the Tower of London. Basically, it worked. The East India Company was given free licence to abide by Sel and Barta in Japan, and EASO offered all Englishmen his full support and protection.

We should cautiously avoid suggesting this is the happy ending, bearing in mind that the guy who just won is the East India Company. Yeah, no. I mean, finally, Adams is able to go back to England. So he travels back from Edo. Great news for his Japanese wife. He's going to give it all up.

He travels from Edo with Captain Saris and he just realised Captain Saris is really annoying. And this boat trip's going to take years. He's always humming.

He's always clicking his pen. Whistling. Just whistling. Sexy whistles. Very unlucky. Those are the two sexiest whistles. Yeah.

Always doing that's what she said jokes. Even when it's a real stretch and it doesn't... Even when it's a real stretch, that's what she said. I was setting you up to do that. Don't say that triumphantly. I set it up deliberately for you to make the joke. That counts as my joke, listener. That's my joke.

Put that in the ABK list. For those keeping a tally. James can have a half point. Put it in the book. And for 10 or so years, Adams and Cox, Willie and Cox, run the company ever so badly.

They basically run it into the ground over 10 years because the only thing the English can trade is wool as we mentioned in the previous episode and that whole long voyage whichever way you go is too wet you just end up with rotten wool so the only money they made they did a few excursions to china and managed to trade some silks which kept the the whole business going for a bit. But ultimately, it went bankrupt shortly after William Adams got probably malaria and sadly died. So he didn't make it back to Rotherhithe.

He never made it home. He never saw sweet, sweet East London again. He's buried in Japan, but there was still this anti-Christian thing and all the foreign graves were sort of desecrated and no one's really sure where his bones are now. They've done some DNA tests, but they don't really know. A bit of a downer ending.

Well, I mean, it's from the past. Everyone dies. Fair enough, yeah. That is how most of our stories end. There's a William Adams Day in Kent. Hmm. I know the word epic is overused, but that was an epic tale. It was a big one.

A worthy start to Series 4. Let's score this tale of mystery and intrigue. Yeah. Okay, then. First category, naming. Now, this is the first time we've done a part two. So, can I still get any points for Captain Quackenac? No, I don't think so.

That is insubmissible. Okay, then. So, just new names. Only new names. Dickie Cox. That's probablyubmissible. Okay, then. So just new names. Only new names. Dickie Cox. That's probably four points. Geronimo de Jesus. Geronimo de Jesus, yep.

Chris Evans. It's definitely a four out of five. It would have been five, but Chris Evans is such a rubbish name. I've knocked it down to four. Ah, what about John the Madrid? Juan de Madrid. Nah. Okay, four.

This one's not going to go well. Supernatural. Well, if that This one's not going to go well. Supernatural. Well, if that little guy had just walked on water or moved one tree- Yes. We'd be talking miracle. Or erased one mountain. If he moved a single mountain, we'd be talking five out of five. As it is, James, I think it's a one, I'm afraid.

I don't think anything supernatural happened in the whole story. Yeah i'm thank i'll take that one i know you've worked very hard and i don't like giving you a low score well there's nothing supernatural happened really nothing supernatural a monk failed to walk on water but the category is not hubris no it's not arrogance he was so conceited he was at risk of getting scurvy, that guy. Okay, then. Let's go with the category of blue. As in a bit of blue. A very blue category. Oh, it were blue. I can't believe that rude ship rolled into harbour. And blew up.

Very good. And there was that sexy Erasmus carving with his bits on show. Yep, yep, yep. The saucy philosopher. That was quite saucy. The sordid Captain Sarris. By the way, a little addendum for Captain Sarris. He returned to England and he got in trouble for smuggling and he showed a lot of people in London his collection of Japanese pornos, frankly.

Shunga. Oh, he's not. It's erotic art. His erotic art. Japanese erotic art. Naughty mangas. When he was caught, though, he surrendered his erotica for destruction. He surrendered his erotica. For destruction.

But there was an exhibition at the British Museum a few years ago of it. Incredible. Well, yeah, so it's five out of five for blue. Yes. Ever so blue. And then my final category has got to be Daring Don't.

Daring is the Darren Brown of daring, isn't it? And Darren is the... Well, his name was Darren and he changed it to Darren and daring do means

daring. But for some reason in that context it's daring oh they just want to sound posher they just yeah just wanted to be a bit different a bit more googleable yeah I want these ventures to have better seo thanks it's a solid five as the cockney pope would say at an audience with Darren Brown they're in time What is the natural end to a cliffhanger? Is it falling off? It's usually climbing back up. There are very few episodes which end with someone hanging off a cliff

and then the next episode starts with that person dying. I would say that has almost never happened. Part two, they're holding on the edge of the cliff, fall off, Predator on. That's that.

Well, join us on season four, series four, rather, we're English. Thank you. We'll see what the series brings. Yeah, that sounds like someone who's got a plan for what's going to happen in this series.

Yeah. That sounds like someone who isn't winging it. It's going to be more of the same. Please join the Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash LawmenPod. Oh, I invented my own bit of Cockney slang. Yeah? I'd be like, do me a screen, a screen

saver, favour. Very good. And that's going to take off. Do me a screen, a screensaver favor. Very good. And that's going to take off. Do me a screen, Martin Luther. Get your feces off me church.