Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep10: Loremen S4 Ep10 - Jenny Collier - Maxen Wledig 2

Episode Date: August 11, 2022

Jenny Collier steps into the co-host chair and we have a Loremen FIRST - a sequel! What happened to Maxen Wledig after he travelled to Wales to find the woman of his dreams... Alasdair will return! (After his Edinburgh run and probably a couple of days of recovery) Alasdair's Edinburgh tickets... https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/alasdair-beckett-king-nevermore Jenny's TikTok is here... https://www.tiktok.com/@jenjencollier Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Jenny Collier. Yeah, it's another Not Alistair episode. Everyone calm down, please. Calm down. He's still in Edinburgh. In his stead, we have classic deputy lawperson, Jenny Collier. Jenny Collier, welcome back to the show. How are you?

Thanks for having me back. I'm good, thanks. Delighted to be here. Yeah, we're delighted to have you as a deputy law person. I tried to do a Welsh double. I heard. Yeah. Perfect. How are you doing, Jenny? What are you up to? You're not in Edinburgh right not going to Edinburgh um but I'm going on holiday instead to San Francisco means without Francisco and um San Francisco's love I we did a little mini episode on San Francisco from San Francisco yeah oh yeah oh my god I can't wait to

check it out dazzle people with the stories of Muir Woods. Is that somewhere I should visit? Yes. It's a redwood forest. Oh, yeah. I think at the time of recording it may be on fire. Oh, no. So, probably don't. If it is on fire, don't. Okay.

But if it isn't on fire, do. Okay. I will check out the fire status before I attend. Good. Did you go to Alcatraz? I did not go to Alcatraz. I'm going to Alcatraz. So that was a functioning prison, right? And we always heard at school that one of the reasons that they couldn't escape from this prison island is because of the sharks. Oh, right. In the sea around it, obviously. They weren't like guards that were sharks.

Wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. They would not be efficient. But yeah, that's what I heard. So could you check that out and see if that is a true fact or if that is just playground speak? I mean, my notes page about my law is getting overwritten by shark question mark and mere woods fire question mark yeah these are genuinely this is basic safety

near the sea is there a shark in it near the woods is it on fire yeah these are the questions you need to be asking yourself have you got like like a spreadsheet, an itinerary, or are you just kind of, are you a sort of a freestyler? Well, so I've just got back from Sorrento where I got drunk on the beach every single day. And on the train back to the airport on the last day, I went through Pompeii, went past Vesuvius, Herculaneum, and I was like, I didn't even know these places were here.

That's so bad. I mean, I had aaneum. And I was like, I didn't even know these places were here. That's so bad. I mean, I had a lovely time, but I was like, I have wasted my time when I could have been doing these things. So for this holiday, I haven't gone so far as a spreadsheet, although now maybe I will. But so far, I have got an itinerary. I've booked some flights to LA to go there for a few days. I've booked Alcatraz.

Alcatraz. Obviously, that's from the French, which means in Catraz. On Catraz. On Catraz. So, al fresco is on fresh. Yeah, on fresh ground. Oh, really? Yeah, you said it bold, but we've got the video function enabled,

which we don't normally have, so I can kind of tell you're lying. There is a place that we didn't visit, but we passed the sign for it many times on the holiday. If you can get any more information on it, two words, Cow Palace. Cow Palace. No idea what it is. That's getting a whole new page in my notebook.

Cow Palace. This is the kind of thing that I desperately have to write who recommended it and when and why, because otherwise I see Cow Palace in my notepad three weeks time and i'm like you see yourself in the cow palace looking around you've you've infiltrated in a leftover panto costume and you've you've worked your way up to the top and you're you're the emperor the cow emperor so you've got so you've got what have you got you've got mirror words fire question mark you've got alcatraz sharks question mark and then you've got cow palace cow question mark presumably

um just cow palace and i've underlined it twice because you missed when you were trying to cross it out fair enough fair enough jen we've got you back on to do an unprecedented episode. Oh my God, is this the precedent? Oh my God, I feel so special. This is a sequel. We've got you back for Max and Wledig 2. Max Electric Magaloo? Wlediloo?

The Wledening. The Wledening. I'm really trying hard to say a W followed by an L. I've been practicing for the past six months. Oh, let's hear it. I just did it. I want to hear it again. Wleddening.

Perfect. It's sort of like I'm going to whistle and then I remember I'm supposed to be speaking. Yeah, yours is quite fluty when you say it. It's got a kind of... I don't like to flout my floutist skills, but you've got to blow your own trumpet, which is, again, frowned upon in the fluting world. Should we remind the listeners, what did we get up to last time with Max and Will Edig 1?

So it was a golden tale of gold, gold, gold and more gold. Ruddy, ruddy gold. And rubies and gems. It was predominantly about Max and Walidig, Gino Gianelli's dream about finding a woman. Very romantic tale of dreaming of a beautiful woman from Wales. Oh, yes. He travelled from Rome to find the fit woman of his dreams. Because Maxim Ledych was, he was the Roman emperor, right?

Oh, yes. Sorry, yes. Magnus Maximus. So he was the emperor of Rome. Maximus Maximus. Something like that. I'm sorry, I don't know the English for it, but it's Maxim Ledych. You've been too long in Sorrento.

You've picked up all the local lingo, if only they had their own word for that. And so they all went and got the woman. And I think we left off just after he'd paid the virgin fee, which was £3.99 per month including broadband and three minutes at weekends nice yeah and so yeah so that's where we find him i guess and then this is the all action sequel but i think it's kind of change of genre really isn't it it's like from alien to aliens it went from a kind of a sort of slightly more slower ppaced art house vibe.

Well, art house. It was a sci-fi horror film to a sci-fi action film. Yeah, yeah. Because this is Maximiletic II. War. Yeah, because the first story was a very romantic love tale of finding a woman of your literal dreams

seeing her father's crown jewels I believe the term was Christmas Day jewellery that's correct his jingly jangles they made an appearance and he met the family he met the brothers

it was all very wholesome They made an appearance. He met the family. He met the brothers. It was all very wholesome. And then it just goes a bit dark in this one. So this is not a Valentine's Day vibe. Oh, gosh, no. So the gifts given to Helen, Ellen, we don't know her actual name because no one ever bothered to confirm the names, it was Helen or Ellen. The gifts given to her were like major big forts.

Maxon made some castles and things for her as a present for having been with her in bed. Oh, right. Yeah, I think we covered a little bit of this in the last one. So he makes, so sorry, I'm overlapping covered a little bit of this in the last one. So he makes... Yes. So sorry, I'm overlapping. But that's why people like the sequel. They want the first film again.

They want to be ever so slightly surprised, but not too surprised. So yeah, what's the trouble? So the trouble is... So Max and Waledig, Emperor of Rome, gets a little bit comfy in Wales. We've all done it. As people are wont to do, because Wales is a very beautiful land, why would you leave?

So he gets very comfy making forts, making strongholds. He calls a big fort at the top of a hill Cadder Vacsen, which means Maxon's chair. And it's there to this day. And you call it Vacsen when you're just really relaxed about maxen um yeah it's just like a little um thing with the language um but i'm so fluent fluent um and so ellen's built load of roads between all the different forts. They're basically making the place their own. That's nice. It's nice.

In Rome, the tradition dictates that if the emperor is away for seven years, it's anyone's to emperor. Oh, really? Yeah, anyone can just step in and emp the country if they want. Emp the heck out of the country. And so, because he's gone for seven years, it's like, oh, mate, just make it six and a half. Or like, but he's gone for seven years.

At least pop in and sort of re-up the seven-year stretch kind of thing. Exactly, exactly. But he made an error. He made himself so comfy. Remember, he brought soil from his homeland with him to Wales. Yes, I remember that bit. Yeah. Seems rude.

Seems a bit like, what's wrong with our soil? Loads, actually. Yeah, it's like, imagine bringing your own cushion to someone's house. Yeah. Now we're getting back to hemorrhoid cushion territory of last episode. That's a good point. Yeah, there could be a medicinal need. Although I keep talking about it.

I promise I haven't got hemorrhoids, but that's not part of the tale. He's gone for seven years. A new emperor goes right. Dibs is mine. And so he gets himself on the throne. And then he sends a letter to Maxon Willedig. Less a letter and more a note that just says,

if you come and if you ever come to Rome, the end. So it's like, I kind of feel like Maxon would have probably forgotten about Rome, but he gets this kind of threatening pamphlet from this guy. Yeah. It's very sort of passive aggressive, but also just confusing. Yeah. Did it have like a picture of him waving his fist at the same time going,

if you come and if you come to room. Well, maybe there was a bit, it doesn't specify there was any diagrams or if it was like a gif. Maybe it was like really to the messenger, be like, like when you do it, you've got to wave it.

Show me how you're going to wave your fist when you read them. No, show me how you're going to wave your fist, buddy. No, more, more. Grit your teeth,

really grit your teeth. Chiseling where you need to put the, put the real stresses underneath. I can't, I'm not hearing chiseling. It's if you come and if you come to put the real stresses underneath. I'm not hearing chiselling. It's if you come, and if you come to Rome, put Roman italics. I'm pretty sure we invented that.

So they send this like chicken letter, if you come, so God help me if you come. But it wasn't even, it was just if you come and if you come. And so Maxon sent one back, if I go to Rome, and if I go... Oh, he's called a bluff, in a way. It's like, well, they must know what it means. They must think it means something.

Yeah, so he's just kind of come back with that. And then I think he's got embarrassed and he's gone, that doesn't really say enough for what, like, I'm being threatened. And instead of sending, like, a proper thing back i've just said the same thing back which is like i know you are but what am i yes it's not a surprise to any of our listeners i've not ever really gotten into a fight but i've seen plenty of episodes of whatever that one was about the bristol bouncers bristol sort of freelance bouncers that did you remember that tv series can't remember what it was called but it was set in bristol there was like a van of bouncers and they basically just

get rung up by different pubs like oh we got some trouble here and this van of like they were like i don't know like a SWAT team of bouncers and they'd go around and sort people out but you'd see lots of fights where people they're trying to be clever but they're just yeah what's it called what can i watch it on what's i'm sure i've mentioned this on the podcast before and not been able to find out the name let me have a look quick i've got cow palace and bristol bouncers written on my notepad now i think it might just be called bouncers okay it may just be called bouncers. Oh, yeah, here's a little review from some time ago. The headline, Fly on the Brawl TV. That's quite clever.

Fly on the Brawl TV. Blood, headbutts, eye gouging. And the BBC call this entertainment? Heck yes, they do. What time period was this? What era are we talking? This is copyright 2000 Scottish daily record. It's probably, I can't read it out.

It's certainly not in such a sarcastic tone of voice. Oh, it's called Muscle. Muscle. It follows a year in the lives of Security Leisure, a company who provide bouncers and doormen for pubs and clubs in the Bristol area. A bunch of self-confessed hard men. But yeah, that's the sort of vibe, this, that, but by note. So if you come to Rome, if you come, and if I come to Rome, if I come,

or maybe it's a bit like that, maybe it's like that to the gut. Put your arms out when you read it back to him. If I come to Rome, and if I come, do the head thing. Wobble the head. Wobble your head like that. Do that in five days' time after your journey home. Exactly, yeah. They obviously got their messages across, though,

because then it all kicked off. Oh, right. He's given the, if you come, you go oh my god if you come back and he's like well well go then i am go then i'm gone um wayne's world reference there don't know if you nice um yeah yeah and so they um so because he sent his message he's like i better back this up actually with something because if we just keep going back with notes. And then he's also like, they've taken my throne. That's my chair. Even though he's got Cadavacsen up in North Wales, but no.

He's got a castle that's a chair. Yeah. But he wants his Rome throne back. So he goes. His Rome throne. His Rome throne. And so Maxon travels with his host. So his original host, the OH.

Oh, yeah. They come with him to Rome and they conquer France, Burgundy, everywhere in between there and Rome. That's France. Maybe a little bit of Switzerland if they go a funny route. Yeah, yeah. They just, yeah, Don't ask me about my geography. Seriously, I didn't even know where

Vesuvius was. It's the big sticky mountain in the sky. We were literally on the beach. Someone points and they're like, Vesuvius. And I was like, are you joking? I got a geography degree. I love all volcanoes and stuff.

I love the volcanoes. Can't get enough of them, mate. Big fan. I dig them. I love all volcanoes and stuff. I love the volcanoes. Can't get enough of them, mate. Big fan. I dig them. Be careful. Don't do that. It's very dangerous. And so, Everywhere Between is taken by force by Maxson and his host.

Magnus Maximus. Couldn't say it. I was too claggy. Magle, Magle. I just said Magle, Magle. Maximum Magnums.

So they get to Rome, but they lay siege to Rome, if that's the correct phrase, for a year. Probably. So they've, yeah, they just hang it,

they're outside the walls of Rome for a whole year, trying to break it down, trying to, like, get in and get the throne. But they're having a rubbish time of it. They're not doing too well. And then Ellen's brothers, what were they

called? Canon and Adaf? Gadeon and Adaf? their names change a couple of times during son of udav kinan son of udav and adion son of udav oh that's the same name they could have written that sentence canon and gadeon both sons of adaf um yes adaf the great dingly dangly jeweled man. Oh, so these are the sons that were in their special leather shoes, horse bum leather shoes. Listen to the episode to understand why I said that. Cordoven.

Cordoven? Cordoven leather. Cordoven leather. Cordoven. Cordoven. Oh, my God. That Cordoven leather smells like a horse's butt. That means it's great. That's where you pay more.

Yeah. It's got that real horse butt smell. So, Bross and their brocaded hush puppies come along with their host. Now, I think a host is like, they're like men. Okay. I think. host is like, they're like men.

Okay. I think that's how I've read it. That makes more sense. I was imagining a sort of come down with me vibe. Just one person in a shirt sweating. Yeah, really annoyed. There you go, Rome. Enjoy your seed.

You deserve it. Such a sad little life, Rome. Host that the brothers bring is like a tiny little Welsh host. So there's like not even many of them. Such a sad little life, sad little life, Rome. Enjoy it, you deserve it. You look like a hippopotamus river sin

i think those are the quote those are all the quotes from that famous left episode of come die with me those are all the quotes i wish i could remember the quotes it's so brilliant i can never think of the quotes off the top of my head, but I see so many people with T-shirts with it on, and I just love it so much. I hope that... No, but this host is a batch of men from Britain coming to help. The people in this host were better fighting men than twice their number of the men in Rome.

What my understanding is Maxon's host are doing quite a bad job of claiming Rome. Yeah, it's been a year. As evidenced by it being an entire year. And when you hear what the Welsh hosts do, you'll really be wondering what Maxon's lot have been up to for a year. Right, right, okay. Because, so the Welsh host observe the way that the others are fighting, and they see that both emperors, so Maxon and the new guy, the emperors have their lunch every day at

noon. And like a little Christmas day rest, they, at noon, everybody stops fighting for everyone to have their food. And when... I don't want to stereotype, but it is Italy. It is Italy. They've got some great food there.

They don't start fighting again until everyone has finished eating but the welsh or the people of britain the host the little host from britain um they they conduct themselves a little bit differently and so they watch this and they go well we don't have to stop for them to eat. We get up early doors, eat before everyone else. Full English. Full English. They are very much a Brits Abroad in this setting. They're pints, pints, pints.

Exactly. They go full football fans. They get drunk. So they're drunk before midday. They drink until they're intoxicated, eat and everything. And then while the emperors sit down to have their delicious calamari, in comes the Brits abroad on ladders

that they fashioned in the woods when no one was looking. Sorry, I didn't tell you that. They didn't bring them from England. Some surprise ladders. They just slung them together. So they make these ladders in the woods. They send a couple of carpenters off on a little secret mission to make ladders.

They get the ladders absolutely off their faces, stuffed, really full and hammered. They clamber the ladders, get in, straight away, kill the usurper oh caesar let's say whoa yeah and so you then it does make you go what have max and slot been doing have they just been like knocking on the wall or like rubbing i had a little look up of it myself and and in uh myths and legends of the british isles by your friend of mine richard barber he says that kinan said uh we'll try to attack the city more expertly than this referring to whatever they were doing and it says so they measured the height of the wall and then they made ladders that were longer than that height this is outside the box thinking not just a hat rack not just a hat rack, Kinan, not just a hat rack.

So maybe the other guys were just making two small ladders, just like a set ladder and then stand at, this doesn't feel right. Oh, I hadn't read that version. That's very cute. Goodness knows what was going on with them. Whatever they were, they weren't fit for purpose. They were short and they...

We were making them wider. We were trying to make them wider. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, I'm embarrassed now. And so the new emperor didn't have time to put on armour before they clamber over the walls.

And so he gets killed. And for three days and three nights, now this is really embarrassing for maxson for three days and three nights the brits abroad are in rome within the walls just smashing stuff up killing everyone oh and um yeah and not only not letting anybody out, but not letting any of Maxon's people in. Oh. Because in case they get hurt. Oh, that.

And so it's really nice, but it's like you're really showing them up now. But it sounds like they needed it. So for three days and three nights, they just take the place to bits. And then they wouldn't let anyone in until the throne was under their control. Until they'd smashed every last bit of plastic patio furniture. They'd been sick in all the swimming pools. And so then, and this is really embarrassing,

Maxon goes, I have gained possession of all my empire and I will give you this host to conquer whatever part of the world you wish so he gives his rubbish host to the brothers oh i mean maybe maybe i've read it really wrong but it sounds to me like he's giving his rubbish host to the brothers and he goes go and go and take go wherever in the world you wish i shouldn't call them rubbish house but the hosts that don't know that you need a ladder longer than the thing you want to climb over yeah yeah yeah the host without the most well that is an excellent sequel jenny

thank you very much thanks that is awesome let's it scored. I'm becoming very judgmental. So come on, hit me with your categories. What are you going to do? Should we get supernatural out the way now? Okay. Supernatural things that happened. Short ladders? Is there something magical about if you're not there for seven years,

then someone's got your chair? Seven is a magic number, isn't it? Exactly, yeah. That's where I was going. Yeah, so I'm going to give you one. The next category is naming. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Well, it's not loads. We've got all the names from last time. All the names from last time, but also this time there's lots of different combos of the names. So Maxon, Vaxon, Ellen, Helen, Chanan, Adaf, Gadeon, Adeon. Gadeon, Adeon. Yeah, yes, there is alter egos, I guess you could say in this episode.

Yeah. So that's a second name. So I'm going to give you two, I'm afraid. Oh my goodness, I'm doing so poorly. That's okay. That's okay. That's not what we're here for. No, okay. Let's go for the bespoke categories.

What do we got? So this category is Max and Wledig's incompetence. Incompetence. Yes. Yes. Heig's incompetence. Incompetence. Yes. Yes. He's maximum incompetent. Definitely. Definitely maximumly incompetent.

He does quite well for invading France and Burgundy, which I guess was a different country. Yeah. I mean, his hosts probably do most of the work. Yes. And they seriously fall down when they get to Rome. So I wonder, maybe Maxon hasn't been empering them very well because he's used up all their energy and mathematics and carpentry

before they get to Rome. And so he could have maybe paced them a bit better. So he starts strong, very quickly falls down. Yes, this is maximum incompetence. I'm going to give it a four because I should have measured the amount of numbers that I was going to give and made it slightly bigger and made it a five.

So I'm only going to give it a four to respect his incompetence i like that i i like that sorry we did we did we do speak French. Ouh. Muh. So, final category. What you got? What you got? Ladders on Tour. Ladders on Tour. It is very Ladders on Tour, because there's definitely a bunch of lads there.

Yeah. They go on the lash. Is that canon, that they go on the lash? Does it say in the story that they're drinking all day, or is that an author's own? It says, no, it does say they, when they get up in the story that they're drinking all day or is that a author's own it says no it does say they um when they get up in the morning and eat before everybody else and drink till they're intoxicated so they very much do the you're in ephro you get a few pints down yeah

you before you even start your day it's happening yes absolute ladders on tour and then they bring out the ladders despite all this um intoxication they still have the the building skills to make a slightly longer ladder they've had loads of travel siders and they're still good to build the ladders do the ladder maths absolutely out of their box off their box off their rock rockers, on the old... Drunk. Drunk on alcohol. Drunk on alcohol. And just smash it out of the park.

And do smash up the place and kill lots of people. Well, that is absolute ladders on tour. That has to be five out of five. Pimp. I couldn't not. Yeah. Pimp, fee pimp. I don't know what out of is. I guessed it would be fee. Pimp, fee pimp. I don't know what out of is.

I guessed it would be fee. Pimp, Alan, Alan or pimp. Pimp, Alan or pimp. Okay. If you're going to come, Alan, I'm going to come. If you're going to pimp, Alan, you're going to pimp. I'm Alan, I'm going to pimp. And then I'm going to pimp.

I just don't, yeah, it's such an odd, odd textual argument. Yeah. Well, I guess you can't, that's the thing, you can't get nuance across in tablet form. Well, thank you very much, Jenny. That was once again an incredibly entertaining episode. That was Max and Will Eddick 2. The ladderning.

The ladderning. The ladderning? The clambering. Oh, the clambering. That's actually quite, for us, that's actually quite artistic. How good.

It's quite highbrow. That is the musical sting from Love Island. And if you want more Love Island goodness, then hop over to the Patreon at patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod. And that's where me and Jenny really get into our thoughts and feelings on the current series of Love Island in the summer of 2022. Nice one. Thank you very much, Jenny.

Thanks for having me. No worries. Have you got anything to plug? Please, please, everybody, follow me on TikTok. TikTok? Are you on the TikTok? TikTok, yeah. I mean, it's not really a thing

to plug basically I don't have anything to plug because the year after lockdown instead of really knuckling down and doing a

tour and doing a show and writing loads of new I've written loads of new stuff but I'm just going I'm just going to go on holiday you've not been able to go on holiday

because of all the lockdown do your research do your beforehand I've learned my lesson can't wait to go on holiday because of all the lockdown. Do your research beforehand. I've learned my lesson. Can't wait to go to the Cow Palace. And I'll try and do a TikTok about the Cow Palace. And I'll let you know how that goes. so that was the wonderful jen collier with max and ladig two there's actually a whole extra bit of the story that we ran out of time to do in the episode but again that is in the patreon bonus

it's basically a maximum Ledyk 3 which is what happened to those two kooky brothers it's horrible what they did but check that out on patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod and if you want to support the show you know drop us a few bucks over on coffee.com

forward slash lawmen or subscribe on patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod you on patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod where you get all sorts of bonus episodes and whatnot. Or buy one of our t-shirts on tpublic.com

and join us again next week for another special guest who may be something quite familiar to you. Very profesh. I feel lost without Alistair. I'm so sorry to not be a steadying presence,

but it sounded extremely professional and good. Oh, yes, and another cheeky little postscript section, just relating to last episode with Christopher Cantrell. Thank you, everyone, and I mean everyone, who's pointed out that Featherstone Howe is pronounced Fanshawe when it's a surname. Yeah, Featherstone Howe, which is like feather, stone, and then H-A-U-G-H, that's pronounced Fanshawe. Unbelievable. Fanshawe Howe? Anyway, if you're up in Edinburgh, do go see Alistair's show.

It's getting some very good reviews. So go check it out. I mean, you knew it was good anyway. Hi, I'm Alistair Beckett-King, comedian and aristocratic time traveller, and I want to tell you about Fairy World and Magic Town. It's a new podcast all about folklore, but without any jokes or slanderous remarks, from me and my co-host, Neil Iron. Yeah, I'm Neil Iron, and I'm going to bring the truth about magic and fairy towns,

and intellectual property-wise, it's 100% our own.