Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep13: Loremen S4 Ep13 - The Mystery of Cromwell's Head

Episode Date: September 15, 2022

James introduces Alasdair to the original prankster himself, Oliver Cromwell! Legendarily one of history's great monsters, Cromwell was actually very annoying on an interpersonal level too. Let the Loremen fill you in on some of Olly Crom's lesser-known legends - his (terrible) sense of humour, the town he definitely didn't destroy and whatever became of his disembodied head. Prepare yourself for an uncommonly respectful episode, with a lengthy sidebar discovering the difference between seasoning and a condiment. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, this is, as people will be able to tell, a very respectful episode. Somber. Yeah, somber. Reverent. Exactly.

James, have you got a reverent and respectful story for me there? Well, this week, Alex... Alex? Who's that, Alex? What? What? Outrageous that you'd get my name wrong at this point. Well, it is the mystery of Cromwell's head. For no reason whatsoever.

So reverent. Alistair. James. How does this period of national mourning, which we are in at the point of recording, find you? The good news is I think we're still going to be in it by the time the podcast comes out. Oh, yeah. Because it's not short.

Is it seven days after the funeral? Is it? I only found out today that the funeral hasn't happened yet. James, I'm ready to be so respectful. Thank goodness. I am reigning it in. I'm self-censoring like the right-wing comedians do all the time. What is it they want to say?

We don't know. We'll never know because they're self-censoring. And that's what I'm doing. Thank goodness. Beginning your lifetime of service there. Yes. I like that. It's what she would have wanted. Me to shut up for a minute.

I really like how everyone has just become an expert on Royal Protocol. Oh, yes. Instantly. It's like the Olympics. Two days into the Olympics, everyone knows all the rules of all the obscure sports. Bandying around terms like Operation Unicorn, like we knew that all along. Excuse my ignorance. What is Operation Unicorn?

Well, Alistair, I need to first take you back to Operation London Bridge. Falling down, is it? Yeah. London Bridge is down is the code for the Queen Has Died. What's the code for something's happened to London Bridge? I don't know. Because it's a major London Bridge, and were it to fall down, that would be serious. It's like if you had a railway-based pyromaniac who was actually called

Mr. Sands. Yes. You have to know that Mr. Sands or Inspector Sands is the phrase people use in the tannoy in train stations in the underground to indicate that there is a fire without panicking people. The only problem being that everybody knows that. So if you hear Inspector Sands, you're like, oh, fire. Well, there's a fire here. Well, I'm not letting that fire get on before me. inspector sands you're like oh fire well there's a fire here well i'm not letting that fire get on before me get in there even faster oh you may be a fire but i've got to be a job i hate in 10 minutes operation london bridge is it's the plan for what happens when the queen dies and there's a variant of that plan called operation unicorn sorry is there like a maverick a team like band of separatists who want to commemorate the Queen in a different way to everyone else?

Kind of, because that's what happens if she dies in Scotland, which she did. Right. And unicorn is obviously the national animal of Scotland. Obviously. Again, these things I've said with a complete straight face to people, some of them, some of those people have been American. They've glanced among themselves and edged out of the room.

Yeah. I was stating pure fact. It's simply Operation Unicorn. I saw Americans sharing the news, a Daily Mail, I think it was,

headline that said that the Queen's beekeeper had informed the bees of the Queen's death. Good. I'm glad someone told them. You and me, listeners to this podcast,

are like, yep, reasonable behavior. That's the least surprising thing so far the queen yeah beekeeper has done his duty americans are like this has gone too far great britain with its wacky traditions it's like no it's not it's you don't understand they're not they're not just telling the bees that the queen has died we tell them everything you can't not tell the bees that the queen has died. We tell them everything. You can't not tell the bees. What, are you going to try and keep it from the bees? How are you going to manage that? Especially not regarding a queen.

One of their special areas of interest, yes. Yeah. So, in this most respectful of times, what is today's episode about, James? Oliver Cromwell. Yes! I was going to refer to him as a problematic fave but he's too problematic he is to be anyone's fave yes he's the worst guy yes he is i mean i'm i'm a republican small r small r republican

but oh he doesn't make it easy does he ollie crumbs i want to set the scene for this one. Set it, set it. We're in London. Ooh. Holborn, Red Lion Square. And a bit of text comes up on the screen saying, present day slash 1970s or 80s. I'm sorry? Well, all the books I've researched this from are from the 1970s or 80s. Right. All right.

Well, first of all, I just want to say that's really confusing. Yeah. Now carry on. Okay. Also, I think it's pronounced Hoburn, but carry on. Set the scene. We're in Red Lion Square, Hoburn. Blah, blah, blah.

Thing on the screen. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, present day. Three shadowy hooded ghosts walk across the square and they fade away and we sort of fade out to black and then fade back up. We're still in Red Lion Square. There's three bodies laid out on some trestle tables or something.

I haven't really thought that through. Trestle tables? Yeah, maybe. Like a school of fate? Yeah, but they're dead bodies. They're dead bodies. Is there any of that really weak orange juice? Probably not at this stage.

Okay, a splatter rat? Definitely, but it's not a sport. Dead bodies. They're dead bodies. Is there any of that really weak orange juice? Probably not at this stage. Okay. Okay. A splatter rat? Definitely. But it's not a sport. That's just like normal life. That was what happened in those days. Yeah. Because a sign comes up on the screen saying 30th of January, 1661.

Slash the past. Yes. And it pans over the bodies and the name, more writing on the screen, Yes. And it pans over the bodies and the name, more writing on the screen. Judge John Bradshaw died Halloween 1659. And the next one, Henry Ireton, the general, died of disease outside Limerick 1651. And then it comes to the third body, Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector, died 3rd of September, 1658. And more writing on the screen. A lot of writing. These men are to be executed.

Record scratch. The film sort of rewinds. It turns out it's quite a tacky, cheap film. It seemed like it had a bit of dignity about it. It was actually quite cheesy. I think the amount of text on screen already told me that something was a bit off. Oh, a book can have all the text in it at once,

but once they've filmed us, ooh. But I suppose if a book has lots of pictures in it, that sort of devalues it. I like a thick bit in the middle of the book with all glossy photos. Oh, yeah. When you're reading a film novelisation, that's where the book naturally falls open.

The book of the film. Ugh. Ugh. I hate the book of the film. I hate the book of the film. I know I've mentioned this on the podcast before. Nothing I hate more than the book of the film. Are you telling me that these three dead bodies are about to be executed? Yes, I am.

And how did we get to this situation? Well, allow me to explain. Flashback. We're in Huntingdon Shire, the clumsily named county that's potentially not a county but we'll go with it because that's what they call it in laura the land okay we're at hinching brook house text on the screen okay oliver cromwell's house right between you and me

technically is his uncle sir oliver cromwell it's the same name right so it's a different oliver cromwell to the one we know. Yes, but that Oliver Cromwell is actually there, because we're in about 1600, and he was born in about 1599. In 1599. On a specific day. Was he? He decided to be born on a specific day, did he?

The 25th of April, 1599. We're around 1600. Basically, Oliver Cromwell is a baby. We hear baby cries in the mix of the sound of something else, and a bit of sort of scrabbling and scratching noises. And then people are running outside the house, and a woman's going, my baby, my baby. They're all looking at the roof of the house, and we pan up to reveal a little baby Oliver Cromwell a little baby Oliver Cromwell giggling and that.

Yeah. On the roof. What? Playing with an actual monkey. I wasn't ready for it. Didn't expect it. Baby Oliver Cromwell was kidnapped by a monkey.

Baby Oliver Cromwell was kidnapped by a monkey. Yep. His uncle's monkey. His uncle's pet monkey. His uncle's monkey. He was kidnapped by his uncle. Yep. His uncle's monkey. His uncle's pet monkey. His uncle's monkey. His uncle's monkey. He was kidnapped by his uncle's monkey.

Yes. Oliver Cromwell was kidnapped by his uncle's monkey. I'm sorry. Carry on, of course. The baby was taken out of the crib and apparently taken up

on the roof and everyone gathered round, put like mattresses down and was all terrified and then the monkey just sort of brought him down kindly. Right.

Now, we jump forward to around 1603. We're still at Hinchingbrook House, and King James I, or as they would have called him, King James. King James I of England. Of England, specifically. Right.

Or as they would have called him, King James of England, stops off at Hinchingbrook on his way from Edinburgh to London for his ascension to the British throne, which we all know quite a lot about right now. And the four-year-old Cromwell gets into a fight with King James's three-year-old son and bloodies his nose. Yes, that three-year-old son is the future King Charles one, or King Charles.

He punched King Charles I in the nose as a baby. Yes, as a baby. Yes, it's a spin-off, Civil War babies. Which side did the monkey take in this? I think the monkey had been euthanised at this point. What? Probably for stealing babies. Once they get a taste for stealing babies.

In the same way, once you get a taste for punching kings. Yeah. To be fair, the truth about King Charles, he was a very sickly child who was unable to walk until he was seven because of his bad ankles. And he was very slow to develop speech. So basically, this four-year-old is just beating up a small child that's probably in a pram. Oh, I thought it was quite cool to begin with, but now you've provided context, it seems almost like bullying. Yeah, it's a bit bullying, if it ever happened. I mean, it obviously didn't happen, did it? But carry on. So, James, who is Oliver Cromwell? Well, if you didn't know already, this particular Oliver Cromwell that we're talking about

led the Roundheads in the English Civil War, who defeated the king, ultimately committing regicide, which is to kill a monarch. Called Reg. He became the ruler of Britain. I think he was called His Majesty. He was definitely the Lord Protectorate. When I was in school, in the last year of school, there were a variety of things people voted on.

I was voted King of Comedy. Oh. school uh there were a variety of things people voted on i was voted king of comedy oh but because i was a republican smaller i insisted on the title lord protectorate of comedy honestly at that point i think they thought about taking it back because that was really very much a joke for me he was called his highness uh when he was the the ruler oh yeah totally different to a king yeah absolutely and he was incredibly religious as well and thought he was doing God's duty, which, again, totally different to the royal family. Yeah, he's famous for banning dancing and Christmas

and committing genocide against Irish people. Yes. I don't want to be all whataboutery, but sadly he's not the only famous English person that's tried to commit a genocide against Irish people. Yeah. But he certainly did. It was part of the Wars of the Three Kingdoms, which was kind of an ongoing mess between

England, Scotland and Ireland. It was really horrible. Oliver Cromwell did a tactic of basically starving people, which is... Again, not the last time that we deliberately starved people in a colony. Yeah. Some people sort of argued that he only killed soldiers, but by his own words, he said he killed like a thousand number of soldiers and others. The one thing uniting staunch English royalists

and Irish Republicans is a dislike of Oliver Cromwell. Yeah. He was a prankster, though. Yeah? Not to redeem him, but he loved a prank. What sort of pranks? I remember being told this in school. Yeah.

One of his famed pranks happened during the signing of the death warrant. Apparently, he and one of the other guys just sort of messed around with the ink and got ink all over each other and signed each other's faces and stuff they say that's an example of one of his pranks and i thought that doesn't really sound like a prank the los angeles herald in 1921 gives a lengthy account of one of his pranks well it describes this as an example of practical joking and witty playfulness you judge a man A man called Jerry White was his chaplain,

and he was apparently very, very, very good looking. Cromwell's daughter quite fancied him, and he quite fancied Cromwell's daughter. Now, supposedly, Cromwell burst in on them once, while White was on his knees kissing daughter Cromwell's hand. And he, quote, roared his displeasure. What is the meaning of this posture before my daughter? Jerry Weiss thought quickly and said, I was thinking of asking your maid out and was asking your daughter's advice, basically, asking your daughter to sort of intercede on my behalf. And then Cromwell, as an hilarious jape, said, oh, if you want to marry my maid so much, I'm going to force you to marry my maid.

And then the guy had to marry his maid, and they lived together for 50 years. Just a joke. Just a bit of a joke. Just a 50-year-long joke at the expense of someone else. That's like one of Joseph Stalin's funny jokes. Yes, yeah. He gave them 500 quid.

I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. Stuffed it in his pocket. John of a Cromwell, you're so funny. How funny? Like I amuse you? Yeah. Like a court jester? That is not a joke. That's not really a joke.

It's just a horrible forced marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was the best I could find as an example of one of his quote-unquote practical jokes and witty banter. It's definitely a slow burner. 50 years later, he's like, do you get it? Right? No, it's not because he was dead by then.

He was double dead, by the sounds of it. Speaking of unfunny things to do with Oliver Cromwell, in Folklore Myths and Legends of Britain, Reader's Digest, there is a reprint because this period of Oliver Cromwell was the beginning of the satirical cartoon. Oh, no, not satirical cartoons where everyone's got something written on their bum. Yes.

And a flag, holding a flag that says liberty. They're awful. Yeah. Speaking of things that are not funny. The satirical cartoon. There's a very early one. They got the idea from Holland. And as it says here, though these seem labored to modernize,

they were highly effective at the time. And the picture is basically, it's got Oliver Cromwell on the left. Everything's covered in like Bible quotes. He's pointing at a big oak tree, which is helpfully labelled the Royal Oak of Britain. And it has in it the king's crown and scepter, in case you didn't realise that was meant to be the king. And also hanging off it are signs that say,

the Magna Carta, being king. And then there's some people in army uniforms chopping it down with axes. And then underneath it is some pigs, which are meant to represent the common man. And it says fatted for slaughter next to them. Oh. And the parliament people are pulling down the tree as well. Oh, no. Those rascals, some parliamentarians.

Really zinged us there, haven't they? Curse those roundheads. So, look, Oliver Cromwell, unsurprisingly, for being a massively important historical person in this country, has also become a massive part of the folklore. There are loads of legends, aside from the old monkey stealing that we've already mentioned. Monkey stealing and baby punching aside. There's loads of legends.

It's not helped by the fact that there was another Cromwell that instigated massive change in this country. Tommy Croms. Tommy Croms, who's actually, Ollie Croms is great, great, great uncle. Really? They were related? Yes. I didn't know that. So this is a man for all seasons,lly Cromwell's great, great, great uncle. Really? They were related? Yes. I didn't know that. So this is a man for all seasons, Thomas Cromwell.

Yes. And Olly Cromwell's a man for all seasons too. The seasoning. Sounds delicious. Because, yeah, Tommy Cromwell was a sort of a lackey sidekick to Henry VIII, who set himself up as the head of his own religion basically it was it was christianity but it was his own version of it where he was the head of it and tommy crom helped in that by getting rid of polite i'm politely saying there lots of catholic people and monasteries and churches destroying those yeah something that ollie crom kind of did as well so there's loads of mythology

about you know an old ruined church who did that cromwell it's become lost in time which cromwell they're talking about there's loads of legends that wherever oliver cromwell hitched his horse for the night he'd kick a church down as well what a prankster i mean there's some that just simply couldn't have happened for example quite a big one that a lot of people believed is that there was a town called swans down which was larger than london on the outskirts of london that was blown away by cromwell's guns this town never existed no but i think it's one of these jokes because it's called swans down who owns the swans king slash queen the king slash queen so i think that someone tried a joke it didn't work so they just doubled down and pretended it was true yeah speaking of jokes that have ended

up kind of becoming true have we got time to have a little Paddington segue? Yeah, all right. At the moment, people are being told not to leave effigies of Paddington Bear outside the royal palaces. With marmalade sandwiches. Yes. Attached.

Some of them in handy little sandwich bags, as if King Charles is going to eat them. As far as I can tell, there's not really a connection between Paddington Bear and the Queen, apart from she did a sketch with an animated bear earlier this year. Yes. That was a lighthearted joke, which has now got out of hand.

Have you seen the guy on the news saying there wasn't a real Paddington in the room when they filmed it? It was CGI. They didn't even get the real Paddington. He won't come out of his trailer for the Queen. But they didn't even get a real Paddington. They didn't even get a real Paddington. Which implies there's multiple Paddingtons.

Not only is it real, there's an army. There's your new model army, all lined up, giving you a hard stare. What if that bear in Revenge got human skin hats? What if that bear in revenge got human skin hats? Because if you don't know, the Royal soldiers have bear skin hats. But the thing is, if she'd have died 10 years ago, it would have been like little Jimmy Bond figurines because she did that sketch with James Bond before the Olympics. So it'd just be like loads of Walter PPKs being left outside.

And martinis. I think I'd rather that. Yeah, yeah. Given the choice. A bit more of a toast. being left outside. And martinis. I think I'd rather that. Yeah, yeah. Given the choice. A bit more of a toast. There you go, Your Majesty. Martini. Rather than a marmalade sandwich.

What are you going to do with that? Going back to your boy OC, Oliver Cromwell. The legends of Oliver Cromwell did not end with his death. Surely, surely they must have. The fun story of Oliver Cromwell did not end with his death on the, surely they must have. The fun story of Oliver Cromwell did not end with his death on the 3rd of September, 1658. Incidentally, that is the seven-year anniversary of the Battle of Worcester, which was a big turning point in the Civil War.

And the fact that he died seven years later to the day made some people think that he had sold his soul to the devil to win that battle. And then the devil came back seven years later to claim it, because that is a classic devil number. A big battle to gain control of the sauce. It's like dune, but with Worcester sauce instead of spice. The sauce must flow.

This really is the Manful Seasons to the seasoning. It's more of a condiment, but yeah. It worked well enough. It worked well enough. Is just salt and pepper seasoning? Salt and pepper, yeah. That's it? That's all your seasonings? There may be other seasonings. I think we might have just recorded the whitest

episode of the whitest podcast ever, where we go, are there other seasonings? Apart from salt and pepper? But what differentiates a seasoning from a condiment? Wet and dry, I think. So a condiment is wet? I think so, yeah. So you're talking your brown sauces, your tartar sauces, your mustard.

Your pepper sauces. Never heard of that. Your salsa verdes. Presumably, yes. On the other hand, seasoning? Dry. Salt and pepper. Just dry.

Salt and pepper. What about a little pinch of oregano? What? Or oregano. That's just herbs. That should go in while you're cooking, surely. You might pop a little punch of that on at the end on your Greek salad,

or as they call it in Greece, a Greek salad. Well, we'll leave that there. If anyone has any answers, let us know what is the difference, the slide in scale from seasoning to condiment to sauce you think it's a spectrum i think so oh brave new world that has such flavors in it well if anybody knows of a third seasoning get in touch whoa let me know blow our minds msg ah yeah we've got a lovely seasoning which we got from japan which is a mix

of salt pepper and msg yum yum yum yum yum really really makes everything delicious everything savory delicious rubbish on ice cream people put salt in chocolate and ice cream now people put pepper on strawberries and salt in coffee but do they on, you're not Heston Blumenthal. So, yes, to Cromwell, the eagle-eared and eagle-minds-eyed of you will remember from the beginning the imaginary film I made, which now has been called Manfall Seasons 2 The Seasoning.

Yeah. It told you that those three ghosts had died in 1659, 1651 and 1658, but were going to be executed on the 30th of January, 1661. Make it make sense, James. Well, what happened was English Civil War, Cromwell and the Roundheads won. Cromwell, aka Ironsides, and the Roundheads won. You've just brought the nickname Ironsides in at this point? Oh, yeah, that was one of his nicknames. Okay.

Also, as I've learned the other day, the English Hercules. These sound a little bit like nicknames he came up with that didn't really catch on. Yeah. Although he was famous that he wanted his portrait to be warts and all because he had some big warts on his face. Yes. And they're in all the pictures maybe again

that's him trying to take ownership of the situation when he was just playing pranks on the artist so they decided to draw unflattering pictures of him yeah constant pranks forcing them to get married prank ever so funny that it's like the bucket of water above the door. Yeah. But for 50 years. Yes. It's like taking a little slice of Wrigley's chewing gum, but it snaps on your finger. For 50 years.

50 years of that. I wonder if he had a hand buzzer, and when he became the ruler, he made people kiss it, and they got an electric shock in their face. At the end of the 50-year marriage, he's dressed as a policeman with a fake beard and he takes it off it's like oliver crumwell and he's like haha it was a prank but oh that didn't happen because he was killed well no he died of probably malaria or he had kidney stone disease. He might have had blood poisoning. That's probably what killed him in the end.

And after that, because they wanted to get rid of the monarchy, after the Lord Protectorate died, obviously power went to his son. Oh, Oliver Cromwell, Junior, Junior! You had one job. Come on! Not that many people liked this in the first place. Yeah, I wonder why. The whole thing fell apart not long afterwards,

and Charles II was reinstated as the king. Charles II, legend of curly's gold. Because he had curly hair, so it works. Ever so curly. He had some gold as well. Oh, big time. They obviously wanted revenge on the people. He wanted revenge on the people that had killed his dad.

But those people were dead. So they did a posthumous execution. They disinterred the bodies from Westminster Abbey. They took them to the Red Lion Inn, and then they were taken down to Tyburn. Tyburn Tree. Do you know much about Tyburn Tree? That is the gallows. Tyburn Tree. Do you know much about Tyburn Tree?

That is the gallows. There's a famous gallows in the area of London called Tyburn, which is now where Marble Arch is. And that's where Tyburn was. From 1196 to 1783, thousands of people were executed at Tyburn. And then their bodies were beheaded and their heads were... Debodied. Their heads were put on spikes above Westminster Hall, which is the central and oldest part of Westminster where government is now.

So they popped their heads on spikes kind of as a warning to people to be like, even if you die, we're still going to mess with you. Yeah. If you mess with the crown. Luckily, things have calmed down a lot since then. Oh, absolutely. The poles are 20 feet long, and they were put on the roof of Westminster Hall. His head remained up there for 23 years,

till 1684 when it was apparently blown off in a big storm and just taken home by a sentry. So do we still have Oliver Cromwell's head? Well. I mean, it must have been skull by this point. In Friend of the Show Folklore, Myths and Legends of Britain, there is actually a photograph of it because it wasn't buried until 1960. And there's a little story about what happened to Oliver Cromwell's head.

Flash forward to the swinging 60s. Oliver Cromwell is a skull. After the century picked it up off the ground in 1684, it was passed around collectors and sold to a rumoured relative called Samuel Russell in the late 18th century. He's described as a failed comic actor and drunkard. He used to pass it around at parties. Oliver Cromwell would have hated that.

That's the last thing that he liked, fun. Don't take me to a party unless there's going to be a prank. I suppose he was the prank in a way. I guess being a skull at a party is kind of classic Cromwell, ruining everyone's fun. Until a chap called James Cox, who is described as a goldsmith, clockmaker, and toy man. Okay.

I'm guessing that means he makes toys rather than he is some sort of animated doll. Just a big articulated teddy bear. One of the army of Paddingtons. Now, he wanted to buy it, but Russell didn't want to sell it. Even though Russell didn't have much money, he saw it as a kind of a connection to a glorious past. So Cox came up with a cunning plan. He started lending Russell little bits of money until the amount of debt he decreed was about £100.

Cox recalled the money. Russell couldn't pay. So Cox was like, well, I'll have the head then. So in 1787, it went over to Cox. Now, he kept hold of it for 12 years until 1799, when he flipped it for £230 to the Hughes Bros, and they wanted to display it. But people thought it was a fake,

and also that their tickets were too expensive. No one was interested in seeing Cromwell's head. Although one of the Hughes Brough's daughters would show it to anyone who wanted to see it for free I'm guessing. Oh, right. So it was very undermining the family business. In 1813, even the famous

naturalist antiquarian called William Bullock, Billy Bullock, he thought about buying it but just thought that people didn't really want to go see real dead bodies. Yeah, it's surprisingly tasteful. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was showing off mummies and stuff, though, which are also dead bodies. Okay, so he means he didn't want to see dead bodies of English people, right?

I'm guessing. In 1815, it was sold to Josiah Wilkinson, and he apparently flashed it at the novelist Maria Edgeworth. He flashed it to her over breakfast in 1822. And it was around this time that another skull turned up at the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford. And so there were two skulls now that claimed to be Oliver Frommel's. Like Highlander, there could be only one. So what do they do?

Like conkers smash the two skulls into each other, see which one survives. And whichever skull remains is like, oh, there could be only one. So what do they do? Like conkers smash the two skulls into each other, see which one survives. And whichever skull remains is like, oh, that's a Kinga. The number transfers over, doesn't it? So the Ashmolean skull was found to be a fake in 1911, and our skull that we've been chatting about was found to be real.

By fake, do you mean it was not Oliver Cromwell, or do you mean it was not a real skull? I think that it was not Oliver Cromwell, rather than just an elaborate papier-mâché, because you'd probably be able to tell by the heft. But it meant that our skull was real. It was later buried at Sydney Sussex... Oh, that's tough to say.

It was buried at Sydney Sussex College in Cambridge in 1960. Sydney Sussex College? Sydney Sussex College. I'd rather have a sausage from Sydney Sausage College than look for Oliver Cromwell's head. It's an unmarked grave. It's buried. No one knows exactly where it was buried,

but there is a little plaque saying Oliver Cromwell's head's somewhere round. Prize if you find it, I guess. Somewhere round. It's somewhat round. Oh, you did a very good roundhead joke there. So that's what happened. I mean, and so his body is probably buried at Tyburn

because that's where they traditionally were. There are some legends that when he was being interred at the Red Lion Inn, his body was swapped for a lookalike, a very unfortunate lookalike. A lookalike corpse who happened to die. But they're three years interred. You got some wiggle room on the lookalike corpse who happened to die. But they're three years interned. You've got some wiggle room on the lookalikiness. Yeah, but it's still a disgusting proposition.

We need to find a ringer for dead Cromwell. Let's just start digging up other bodies until we find one that's roughly the same. What a horrible afternoon. Or you go around town and you find someone that looks like him. Yeah, but even then he's not going to be sufficiently decayed. You'd have to plan ahead. Yeah, that's a good point.

You can't Birkenhair your way out of this situation. Another situation I can't Birkenhair my way out of. Yeah. Those are the tales of Oliver Cromwell. Disgusting tales of a horrible man. Thank you. Alistair, are you ready to score me? Yes, I am.

Excellent. I'm ready to pass judgment on you and Oliver Cromwell and to remain respectfully quiet about the institution of the monarchy. Okay, category the first, naming. Names. Well, there were a lot of Oliver Cromwells. We've got three Oliver Cromwells minimum. Yeah, that's too many.

I count that negatively. Wait a minute. Samuel Russell, that's not great, but James Cox is good. All right, yeah. Billy Bullock's good. Oh, I forgot about Billy Bullock. Tommy Crombs. Tommy Crombs, okay.

Judge John Bradshaw. Hmm. I mean, these are names. These are all names. It's two out of five. Hmm. That's not even as many Oliver Cromwells

that featured in the story. It's the same number as there are seasonings. I've Googled seasonings and the wiki page is, well... It's a stub. It's only got two in it. Yeah? No.

Seasonings include herbs and spices. Which are themselves frequently referred to as seasonings. So all herbs and all spices are seasonings? I don't know. However, La Russe Gastronomique... Is that a person? Which I'm guessing is a book, or a very, very well-named person, states that

to season and to flavour are not the same thing. Is that the whole quote? That doesn't help at all. I'm even more confused. Insisting that seasoning includes a large or small amount of salt being added into a preparation. So that says that salt has to be part of it for it to be seasoning.

That's what LaRouche Gastronomique says. Well, if LaRouche Gastronomique, a thing I have just heard of, says it, that's good enough for me. Yeah. Who may be a person or a book. Could be a person, could be a book. Oh, now this is a person who has a perfect name for this to weigh in on this opinion.

August Escoffier. Because he scoffs. Yeah. He does break down the difference between a seasoning and a condiment. Yeah. He says there's saline seasonings, which are salt, spiced salt, and saltpeter. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Saltpeter is potassium nitrate.

That's explosive. Can you eat that? Don't know. August on, hold on, hold on. Saltpeter is potassium nitrate. That's explosive. Can you eat that? Don't know. Augustus Scoffier probably eats anything. All right. There's acid seasonings, which is vinegar and orange juices, lemon juices. Oh, so the liquid, the dry liquid thing is not real? No, I don't think so.

So vinegar is a seasoning. Okay. There's hot seasonings, your peppercorns, your paprika, your curry, your cayenne, and other mixed pepper spices, and your spice seasonings, which is made by using essential oils. What? How are the ones with spices in, not spice seasonings? I don't know.

You've got to take it out with August Escoffier, who died in 1935. All right, I will. I'll dig him up. You've convinced me that there are more than two types of seasoning, so I've learned something. And you've learned that it's two out of five for names, because that did not pertain to this category. Okay.

Category the second, supernatural. Right. Well, punching a baby is not supernatural. It ain't natural. It's not natural, but it isn't supernatural. That's great. Yeah. Being kidnapped by a monkey, also not supernatural.

Yeah, right. Having your head chopped off after death, horrible, but not supernatural. Coming back once as a ghost, supernatural. What about destroying a town that didn't exist? A lie. That's more of a lie than it is supernatural what about an army of paddingtons terrifying absolutely horrifying yeah so okay you've got you've got your army of paddingtons and you've got your three hooded ghosts what else

have you got this is a good story but you're not scoring very highly in the classic cats i'm afraid it's a three out of five. What's category three? Bad jokes. Oh, there were a lot of those. Even more than usual in the podcast. Yes. Yeah. Oh, there were some bad, bad jokes.

Every single political cartoon is terrible. Yep. Throughout all of history. Yep. Whether or not they're making a good point, they're still not funny. Doesn't matter if the point's good. They're all,

yes, very good. To be honest, the better the point's good. They're all, yeah, it's very good. To be honest, the better the point, the less funny it is. Absolutely. Nobody's ever read a Steve Bell cartoon of the Guardian and thought, hilarious. Or, I understand that. It's just three grotesque images. And then you go, well, that was that. I think that must be something to do with the news.

Someone's dressed as a baby. Yeah, they're all terrible. We've got those. We've got Oliver Cromwell's pranks. Awful. They're not even pranks so much as just the bullying of a tyrant. Yeah. You've got passing around a skull. What happened with his skull was evidently used for some sort of prankage. Yeah, whapping a skull out at brunch. That's bad behaviour. That's not funny. It is not funny. The Paddington that skull out at brunch. That's bad behaviour. That's not funny. It is not funny. The Paddington that got out of hand. Yeah, yeah, that little sketch, the little Paddington sketch,

and now people are airdropping marmalade sandwiches all over Buckingham Palace. Yeah, five out of five. Yes. For bad jokes. Yes. Not a good joke in it. I thought of a better name for that last category.

Can I change the name of the last category? Yes. Post-humorous. Post-humorous. Damn. I'm probably going to have to knock it down to a four because that's quite good oh that's a good joke okay a good joke so that's that's a four out of five for post humorous fine okay final category hail seasoning oh that's quite good so you're lucky you did this after the previous category, because I enjoyed that. Well, you know, I want to give this two out of five,

but August Snack, or whatever his name is. He'd list there being four seasonings, to be fair. Neil Sandwich. I can't remember his name. August Escoffier. August Escoffier. Jimmy Munch. He says it's four.'s dead until before and it's just sad that he died getting stuck in that tube full of chocolate in that factory i just think that's

a shame because he had so much left to give okay well i hope um this episode has helped people uh in these uh difficult sad times yeah i Yeah, I hope people have enjoyed the new respectful lawmen. Yes, exactly. I hope our reverent humour has been enjoyable.

I mean, there's quite a lot of stuff I've glossed over in there. Yep. So if you want to support this, you can do so at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. And you'll also get things, bonus episodes, a sticker, access to the Discord. It is jumping off in the Discord right now. I've just had to create a new chat just for knitting.

Yeah, if you give us money, you get something in return, which is what separates this podcast from the monarchy. Oh no! I mean, I made it through the whole podcast! I made it through the whole podcast. I wonder if the listeners will be able to tell this was a cursed episode. Yeah. We were interrupted about 14 times during the recording of this. And twice was just computers going wrong by themselves.

Yes. Then they're onto us. It's Lizzie's curse. They found me. I don't know how, but they found me. Knock on your door. You open it. It's just a marmalade sandwich.

I made it through the whole podcast without being irreverent. Slipped out right at the last second. They did give something back. Well, tell me when it's the money.