Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep14: Loremen S4 Ep 14 - The Simonside Duergar

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Beware traveller! For Northumberland's Simonside Hills are the setting for this week's tale. Those rugged crags are thick with evil, evil creatures who want nothing more than to lure you to your doom. Fear not! Alasdair Beckett-King is here to warn of of their tricksy ways, while James Shakeshaft looks on, scornfully. Hear how a Shakeshaft-type spent a miserable night in a horrible little cottage, while an ABK-esque sceptic came a cropper in a bog. It's all the work of the nastiest  faerie-folk in the Unseelie Court. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawning, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. James. James Shakeshaft. Yes, yes. You're a big old lad, aren't you? Oh, yes.

Yes. Stomping about. Don't like to walk with change in my pocket. It's too noisy. Yeah. You're not big old lad, aren't you? Oh, yes. Yes. Stomping about. Don't like to walk with change in my pocket. It's too noisy. Yeah. You're not afraid of fairies, are you? You're not afraid of little pixies. Do they listen to the podcast?

Not these lads. Not the ones I have in mind. Because I don't see them as podcast listeners. Do the fae folk have Wi-Fi in their mounds? These guys absolutely not. Come with me to a Northumbrian hillside and meet the Simonside Dwega. Hello, Alistair. Hello, James Shakeshaft.

Hello, Alistair Beckett King. Any middle names? Have we talked about that before? My middle name is James. Oh, yes. Excellent choice. I'm sure we've talked about that before. My middle name is Alistair Beckett King.

What? Incredible. It's like you were meant to be. Yeah. You and me. Should we get a song? Should we have a theme tune? We've got a theme tune.

We do have a theme tune. We don't have lyrics. We've got a theme tune. We've got a theme tune. Hey, you know what? We're now at a stage where the listeners are now subdividing into subcats. Factions? Are there ABK loyalists and JFS loyalists?

No, they haven't delineated themselves on those lines. Just to be clear, James' middle name actually begins with an F. That's the reason I said JFS. Yes, and it's not a swear. I do know. That's the... Oh, James! Check this out! know that's the law folk have have subdivided there's new two new fronds that are budding out i hope by that you mean that they're doubling in numbers like bacteria no like a lovely i'm

imagining like on a on a plant two new shoots you've got alistair you've got your standard law folk and then those that listen to the podcast when going to sleep they're the snore folk i hate those guys wake up wake up wake up snore folk up, snore folk. Wake up, snore folk. And then the industrious ones that pop us on the headphones when they're hoovering or whatnot, they're the chore folk. The chore folk. That's really good. Although in the Northeast, chore means steal, so they could also be burglars.

I don't think you should listen to a podcast while you're doing a burglary. No. You didn't have that down south? Oh, he's chored. What, pogs? No, absolutely not. Taxed. That's the other thing. When you're choring someone someone's pogs you take it and you say taxed that seemed

more of like a inner city vibe taxed well i all i can tell you is i did not grow up in an inner city in an inner city i know i have the the vibes of the inner city about me, but no. I don't know what the rural versions are of that. It's just, yeah. Rustled. That's the most rural version of stealing. He's pog rustling. Watch out, he's got a cane-y. You want to make sure you put them

in some sort of plastic container tonight. I hear those pog rustlers around. make sure you put them in some sort of plastic container tonight. I hear those pog rustlers around. Well, on the subject of rural areas, wild areas. Uh-huh. Areas that human feet rarely tread. I'd like to take you to Simon's Side.

Simon's Side. It's not a cool name, but the names are going to get better. They are starting low. They are starting low. It's easy to top Simon's side. It's not a cool name, but the names are going to get better. They are starting low. They are starting low. It's easy to top Simon's side. Simon's side is a tabletop mountain or range of mountains now in Northumberland National Park. How did it get the name? Do the sides of this mountain resemble someone called Simon?

Someone called Simon? It is unknown. Someone called Simon. Someone called Simon. It is unknown. W, W, sorry, W, www.Tomlinson. W dot W dot, it's written W dot W dot. W dot, www.Tomlinson.

Worldwide Tomlinson. The worldwide Tomlinson. Worldwide Tomlinson says in 1916 that it's, it probably comes from Sigmund's seat. The Simon of mythology was, it seems, a domestic brewer to King Arthur, identical with the German Sigmund, and very fond of killing dragoons. I haven't been able to trace that quote, so I don't know if he means dragons or dragoons, like soldiers.

Another theory is that it comes from Sigmund's's sight because the hills can be seen from the sea because they're quite tall. Oh, God, right. Okay. I thought that was going a different way. Either way, they are rugged, James, brown and purple with heather and scattered with ancient mysteries.

They've got Roman ruins. Heather now? Iron Age ruins and Bronze Age ruins. Thousands of years of history. Nice. Fraser's magazine in 1873 described it as a wild, dreary, rarely visited region. I tried to do the accent too much,

and it became an unintelligible drone. A wild, dreary, rarely visited region haunted by a race of grisly dwarfs, the Dark Elves of Teutonic Heathendom. The Delves? The Delves, yeah. German Elves? Is that what Teutonic means?

Yeah. Broadly speaking. Broadly speaking. If Simon's Side isn't a good enough name for you, the whole area around that national park is properly Skyrim territory. There's Lordenshaws, which is a Bronze Age hillfort, which has big stones with all those mysteriously carved rings and divots in it. You know, the sort of spiralling, swirly shapes.

Oh, yes. And that's like 3,500 to 6,000 years old, which is broad. That is, again, broad. And they've got the little cup holders in them. Yeah, exactly, the cup holder ones. There's another standing stone with a hole through the middle of it. The sun shines through on Midsummer. Oh, that's nice.

Which, as far as I can tell, nobody's even bothered to investigate how old it is. They're just like, yeah, that's just the Midsummer hole. The Morpeth Gazette in 1889 described the area. Morpeth. So to give you a sense of where we are in the country, we're in the northeast of England. We're north of Morpeth. Do you remember the Netherwitten fairies who have fairy ointment?

Yes. So we're in that area. Right. So we're in the area between Morpeth and Rothbury. Is that Tim Rothbury or like Anger? The Morpeth Gazette in 1889 says And once upon a time did not the

caverns and recesses amid the rocky heights of Simonside nightly witness the unearthly revels of a tribe of ugly elves and dwarves, so says tradition, amongst whom it was dangerous for the solitary wanderer to venture, and is not the dismal cord-hole moss behind Spylaw, the home of Will-o'-the-Wisp, who in

former years led benighted and unwary travellers by his treacherous luring light into the depth of the bottomless heath. Yikes. There's a lot going on in that sentence. There's a lot going on there. Obviously reminded me of one of my favourite cartoons, which is Willow the Wisp. Yeah, I love Willow the Wisp. I was thinking about the cartoons that I liked as a kid and two of the main highlights were Willow the Wisp and the Ulysses.

No one else can do the things you do. Ulysses. Je suis non-nord, le petit robot. Yep. Mais Ulysses. Je m'aide Ulysses. I think. Father.

Vous êtes vivant. Mon père. Is there any hope that people under 30 could understand what just happened on the podcast? No, I don't think so. I think you could only get it on DVD. Mais non. And I think a lot of people don't know so I think you can only get it on DVD me no and I think a lot of people don't know what a DVD is

they don't even know what a DVD is they don't even know what DVDs are anymore they don't even know James they don't even know that was the theme that was us singing

in two languages which is quite impressive for us yes the theme tune to Ulysses 31 which is the minimum age for understanding that reference.

Yeah. Yes. They need to up it now every year, like the cigarette ban in Australia or wherever it is, New Zealand. But I think that's very telling for later life, that my favourites were Will-O-The-Wisp and Ulysses. Well, actually, that ties into the story I'm going to tell you about the Dwerger of Simon's side.

Dwerger? Dwerger, which is the local word for this type of little fairy elf or dwarf. Because I did a little internet sketch, as I want to do on occasion, about annoying little guys in TV shows. Yes. I don't know if you saw that, James. I did see that. I enjoyed that.

But like the little, there's always a little, I'm a little grumpy little guy and I'm trying to help you. Yes. That character recurs again and again and again across every different fantasy and sci-fi franchise. So you referenced Hoggle. Hoggle. From Labyrinth.

Oh, he's so grumpy. And who was Needling? Is he from Masters of the Universe? Neelix is from Deep Space. No, sorry. Sorry, nerds. Neelix is from Voyager. Oh, STV.

Yes. What's the little creep in Masters of the Universe? I don't know. I don't remember that one. So this is sort of like the live action, slightly more weaponry-based version of your schnaff. What was he called? He-Man's little spooky friend. He-Man ghost thing.

It was like a hat, wasn't it? It was like a hat, yeah. Orko. Your schnaffs, your Orkos, your... No, no, Le Petit Robot. No, no, Le Petit hat, yeah. Orko. Your schnapps, your orkos, your... Yeah. No, no, le petit robot. No, no, le petit robot, yeah. What I love about that theme tune is when you hear it in French, you're like, oh, this is how these words fit to this meter.

When you see it in English, they're like, really squeezing them in there. Get all the words in. We've talked before about the difference, the Teenage Mutant Ninja versus Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. I'm sure we have, because you couldn't say ninja in England. I was trying to explain this to my children, and they were just absolutely baffled as to why you couldn't even say the word ninja,

and you couldn't demonstrate how nunchucks were used. Yep, it was considered too dangerous. In the past, there wasn't the internet, so the only way you would find out that stuff is in films or cartoons exactly and and and also the british version of teenage mutant ninja turtles had all of jerry adams scenes edited out or dubbed over it was revoiced by kevin conroy actually that sounds like a joke but we did censor the episode of star trek Next Generation, which refers to the reunification of Ireland in 2024. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Data mentions it in one episode, and the British censors were like, no, that's not going in. Let's not put a date on it. Yeah, yeah. We weren't allowed to think of the concept of a reunified Ireland. Blimey neck. On a much less Orwellian note,

the Teenage Mutant Hero slash Ninja Turtles thing meant that their theme tune had to be different because in America and the rest of the world it was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and here it was Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, which kind of fits. And broadly, the theme tune works, but there's one moment where it goes,

in the American, the original original splinter taught them to be ninja team or two i think it's to be ninja teens it actually didn't teach them to be teens but ninja version of them i guess yes yeah but obviously that includes the word ninja so they literally just recorded one word and slipped it in because of the 2B ninja it sort of slides in the B slides into the ninja it basically now says splinter taught them 2B fighting teens yes I could never work out what that was when I was a kid I could never understand that line they've replaced the word ninja with fighting but because of the slide, it sounds like two bean fighting teams.

Are they fighting two beans? Is a two bean fighter, is that a good thing? Is that like above from a welterweight? He's a double beaner. Get ready. He's a two bean fighting team. We're like two bean fighting teams. Is it too late to change the premise of this podcast

james and abk fighting teens double bean two bean fighting teens we're not teens are we not teens i think the listeners think of us as hot teens wake up just a little surprise was that for the snore folks just for the snore folk yeah Wake up from a reverie about two bean fighting at Law Beans. No, Law Teens. Can we call it Law Teens? No.

We could do a spin-off. We did a spin-off aimed at the youth market with like our nephews. Someone's come to the door.

Hold on one sec. It's the teen police. About to arrest James for impersonating a teen. Oh, I think I just made it absolutely clear

I'm not a teen with that noise as I stood up from the microphone yeah it's just normal teen standing sound

yeah so on the subject of um horrible little creatures like you and me go on I'm talking about the Dwerger

who are your classic D&D dwarf elf fairy creatures. Catherine Briggs' Encyclopedia of Fairies says that the Northumbrian Dwerga wore a coat made of lambskin, trousers and shoes of moleskin, and a hat of green moss decorated with a pheasant's feather. Ooh, fancy lads. Yeah.

The Dictionary of Northumberland Words, 1892, describes the duerga as a goblin race of beings known on the border and characterised as the worst and most malicious order of fairies. Damn. They are the nastiest. Your Netherwitten fairies are a walk in the park compared to the duerga.

Even standard fairies are pretty hardcore. These are the bad guys. Brownies, rather than fairies are a walk in the park compared to the duerga even standard fairies are pretty hardcore these are the bad guys brownies rather than fairies they should be called for a duerga is a brown elf and the apparition of the brown man of the moors has flayed many a herd lad in the solitudes of northumberland flayed now flayed might be worrying you um it that is another word that you have to look up in Northumberland words to understand what they mean. It doesn't mean skinned alive, as you might think. It just means scared.

Oh, so like caused to flee. I think so. Their word for scarecrow was flaycraw. Scarecrow. Flaycraw. Flaycraw. So I can see that you weren't impressed by Simonside's name itself. And let me tell you, Simonside is by far the least cool name in the region we're talking about.

Can I tell you, basically, can I read you a long, long list of the amazing names of everywhere surrounding Simonside? Is it like Jeff Cliff? No, it's really good, honestly. It's not Jeff Cliff. Cliff Cliff. No, it's really good, honestly. It's not Jeff Cliff. Cliff, Cliff.

These are some areas that you might wander into if you're walking on the moors and peat bogs and rocky crags around Simonside. Peat bogs? Isn't he a baseballer? Peat bogs isn't a name. Here we go. Puncherton. Ooh, wow.

Bizzle crags. Nizzle. Puncherton. Ooh, wow. Bizzle Crags. Nizzle. Henhole. Let's get out of this henhole. Because everything comes out of that. Henhole might be, according to law of the land, a sort of boulderization of hellhole. It was a cleft so deep that supposedly a snow egg

could still be seen in it at midsummer. So snow would still be there in the middle of the summer. And music from the underworld would be heard. And they didn't really know where snow came from because they evidently thought it came from eggs. Oh, just the big snow hen. The snow hen will return to hen hole. You've already heard cold hall moss and spy lore. There's also snitter.

Rabbit no. Rabbit's also snitter. Ooh. Rabbit no. Rabbit no? Rabbit no? Does it have an exclamation mark at the end? Ravens no. Scotsmans no.

Are these, is this just signage? Foul play no. Ogre hill. Toss on tower. The heart's toe. Eww, the heart's toe. Lamboss on Tower. The Heart's Toe. Eww, the Heart's Toe. Lamb's Lair.

That gets less scary. Midjiha. Gimmermore Cairns, where the gimmers roam free. Oh, the gimmers. The gimmers cometh. Lock those gimmers up for two seconds. Get them locked down. Lintlands.

Oh, Lintlands. When you say it. Lintlands. Oh, Lintlands. When you say it like Lintlands, it sounds like a shopping park. Lintlands sounds like a not very good area of a theme park. Welcome to Lintland. Yeah, down the corner of the Pocket Valley. Winter's Gibbet. Oh, dear. Ant Hills.

Ant Hills. Willie's Cairn. That sounds fun. And Otter Cops Bridge. The Otter Cops. They seem cute. My proposed spin-off is going to be like The Sweeney. It's you and me.

It's going to be like Paw Patrol meets The Sweeney. You and me play otters with nothing to lose. Is this in the sort of like the sexual slang otter? Oh, I don't know what that is. As far as I understand, and I am not 100% au fait with this, I was described as an otter once, and I believe it is like a bear. Like a smaller bear. But a smaller bear that's a little bit more slick, I guess.

It's a little bit more groomed. It's like wet, like a small wet bear yeah and i and i was actually keeping pebbles on my tummy to uh shell some mollusks just holding hands with another otter and floating down the stream yeah people taking videos of it sorry for the long list but i think you'll agree not one of them could have been excluded from the list no that was that was there was no filler there it was filler no as they might say so it's it's k-n-o-w-e basically i think all of the second words mean hill ha and no and law basically mean hill oh i thought it was like the verbal equivalent of a round circle with a red line through it oh so no scotsman here scotsman no so there's a couple of tales of encounters with a red line through it. So no Scotsman here. Scotsman, no.

So there's a couple of tales of encounters with the Dwerga on Simonside Hills, which I'd like to tell you now. The first comes from Tibbets Folklore and Legends, 1889. And also Tyndale's Legends and Folklore of Northumbria, written in 1930. And this is the story of an arrogant, arrogant man, a sceptic, a sort of an abk type who doesn't believe in the duerga okay even though he probably has a a james shakes a james shakes

i think i said there oh god i imagine he has a james shakeshaft like friend who's like oh you want to watch those hills and he arrogantly thinks i'm not afraid of no fairy elf things. I'm afraid of Dwega, no. So he headed out one night, no light, no guide. Oh, dude. Towards Simon's side, shouting, Tint, Tint, which is like the local slang for come and annoy me, you magical creatures, I think.

So he doesn't believe in him, but he's going, come at me. Yeah, he's saying, come at me. He's saying, come at me, I'm not afraid. And as soon as he shouts, tint, tint, a light appears. According to Tibbets folklore and legends, a light appeared before him like a burning candle in the window of a shepherd's cottage. Thither, with great caution, he bent his steps

and speedily approached a deep slough from whence a quantity of moss or peat had been excavated. That would be known as a moss hag, apparently was the local name for a peat bog. Peat bogs. And of course, so the peat had been cut out, so it was just water. So obviously the duerga were trying to lure him and make him fall into the newly excavated pool. So he took a big clod of turf and threw it in, creating a big splash. And on the instant the light went out, ah, he thinks, the duerga think I fell in and drowned.

Got one over on them. So he turns to go home and then thinks, no, you know what? I'd like this to happen again. And he decided to taunt them once more. But they're definitely going to know he didn't fall in the hole then.

They are. Very instantly he shouts, Tint! Tint! And not, Blah, blah, blah. Exactly. And they're like, hold on,

this sounds like he didn't drown. As soon as he shouts, Tint, Tint, he observed three of the little demons with hideous visages approaching him, carrying torches in their diminutive hands,

as if they wished to inspect the figure of their enemy. So, naturally, he runs away, straight away, but finds that there are more swarming around him in every direction, torch in one hand and a club in the other. Like a knight of romance, he charged with his oaken staff, the foremost of his foes, striking them as it seemed to the earth, for they disappeared. But his offensive weapon encountered in its descent no substance of flesh or bone, and beyond its sweep the demons appeared to augment, both in size and number. Oh.

So basically, he quails at this point, falls to the ground, covers his eyes, and waits until morning. And in the grey light of morning, he realised he was alone. He'd escaped them. Now, there is a second, I think, much better story. That doesn't just involve them giving up. That doesn't just involve them giving up, yes. Although it does have similar qualities. The source for this one is Dreyse's 1944 Folk Tales of the North Country.

FT's of the NC. Not very far from the town of Rothbury in Northumberland lies a range of dangerous hills called the Simonside Hills. The shepherds who live on these hills do not care to be away from home after night has fallen or when the fog is thick, for there are many ravines and steep places where one false step in the dark or in the mist may mean death. Once, a young man who was trying to reach the town of Rothbury found himself benighted

there. He had meant to reach the town before sunset, but he had lost his way and now found himself many miles from his destination without a single light to guide him. Yeah. And in the visualisation, you'd be playing him, just wondering, oh, yeah, a hot young teen lost in the moors. Oh, the ABK type. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hot young teen lost in the moors. Oh, the ABK type. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just like the previous chap, after a long time of wandering, he sees a glimmering light in the distance. Perhaps it is some shepherd's house, he thought, and I can shelter there. So he begins to make his way, cutting through a bracken and clambering over rocks towards the light. When he reached it, he found that the light came from a little hut built of wood and roofed with thick sods. I'm thinking of some of the lads I went to school with here.

Just nicking my pogs as you go in. Taxed? What was it called? Howling? Choding? Yeah, choring his pogs as he goes in. Choring his pogs as he goes in. Taxed. What was it called? How in? Chode in. Yeah, chore in his pogs as he goes in. Chore in his pogs as he goes in. I love that.

Thank you. Taxed. Curse you thick sods. No. Duffet-feaked would be the Northumbrian term for thatched with sod. Grassroof. Like these modern office blocks

that have their little grass roofs. Yes, and also like little pixie houses. Oh, so like little pixie houses, yes. Very good, it's very good insulation. Like a load of mud. Unsurprisingly quite a thick amount of mud. It's quite good insulation.

Insulation? Insulation. Insulation. Insulation. No, insulation. Insulation, it's like someone don't think that's right someone is a bit salacious we are within insulation times yes one of those sexy mud roofs so did you uh lay these thick swords yourself if you're into it he steps in to the little cottage and on the right hand side of the, he sees two huge logs, like gateposts, just leaning against a wall. Presumably, they're there to be turned into firewood at some point. Massive, massive, thick logs. And he spots a little fire just burning away and two stones before the fire.

So he goes and sits on one of the stones and starts to try and, you know, warm himself up a little bit. Hasn't been in there long before the door opens and a duerger walks in. Oh no. He stood no higher than the traveler's knee. His coat was made out of a lamb skin, his trousers.

Oh no, this is just a direct, this is the same quote I read earlier. Well, that's where it comes from. We know, we know. He came in without a greeting and sat down on the other gravestone and scowled at the traveller

as if to ask what he was doing there. So if this is this guy's house, then I think his behaviour is quite reasonable. Yeah. The traveller immediately realises he's dealing with a duerger and he decides, I better not do anything to upset him or offend him And he decides, I better not do anything to upset him

or offend him. In fact, I better not do anything at all. But the fire begins to die down. I think he should leave. That could startle the duerger. The fire starts to die down and he starts to get cold. So he's tempted and he picks up a couple of little bits of kindling and throws them onto the fire. And that makes the duerger scowl even more intently than the Dwega scowled previously. This is so passive-aggressive, this whole thing. It's very uncomfortable.

You know everything in the fridge is labelled Dwega. So the Dwega, I imagine, maintaining eye contact with him the whole time, gets up, walks over to one of the great gateposts and breaks it on his knee like it was a twig. Whoa. Smashes it in two. Then he threw the pieces on the fire as if to say, any child can break pieces of kindling

sticks. Take the other post and see if you can break that. I mean, it's as if to say. As if to say, without actually saying anything. You're reading a lot into every... Oh, this is so awkward. Sorry, are you gaslighting the traveller and not believing the traveller's account of what happened?

He seemed... The traveller really seems to be making a lot of assumptions. That is true, yes. And so far, they've all been wrong. Well, the fire started to die down again and the duergers, like, iron up the big log, like, well, you going gonna break it or what and the traveler holds firm just sit still stay silent doesn't do anything at all right i'm a hundred

percent on the duaga side at the minute by and by the fire died down again but the man kept on staring at the dwarf and never moving a finger and and the dwarf scowled back at him. Stop being weird. The room grew darker and darker and colder and colder, till suddenly, away down in a valley, a cock grew. And this might change your perception of who is a good guy in this story. Let's see. And as soon as the cock had crowed, the dwarf disappeared,

and with him the hut and the fire. The traveller looked up. The sky in the east was turning grey, and by its dim light he saw that he was sitting on the big grey stone, but it was the topmost stone of a dark, rugged precipice. rugged precipice. As he leaned over to the left to reach the other gatepost as the dwarf had challenged him to do, he would have fallen down the cliff and killed himself. Come on, that's quite a good ending.

It's a trick. It was an illusion. Okay, yes. So, James, let me be clear. He's in a little hut. There were gateposts on the other side of the hut. If he had stood up and walked over to get those gateposts, he would have been dashed to pieces because, in fact,

he would have been walking off a cliff. But there was just the illusion of a hut there. There was the illusion of a hut, yeah. The whole thing was a honey trap. The honey in this case is breaking a log over your knee yeah delicious sweet sweet nectar i can't believe you're on the duaga side i thought you'd be i thought you'd be well on board with the traveler here i just think this traveler's just he's broken and entered and then he's just sort of tried to style it out by acting weird i'm scowling at you

i don't know if you can tell. I'm doing the Duwaga scowl. I'm just sitting here pretending I'm not here for the whole night. What a podcast. Right, that's it. We'll just sit here like this then.

I'm going to break a gate post over your knee. All right, well, I'm furious, frankly, about that, but fine. Just move on to the scores, shall we? I'm furious, frankly, about that, but fine. Just move on to the scores, shall we? I'm on the side of the little guy.

Okay, all right, all right. Well, first category, names. I'm not going to put any effort into the scoring for that now. I think we don't need to recap them. We could just... Shall we? Bizzle, crags, henhole, snitter, spylaw. Rabbit, no. Rabbit, no. On to recap them. We could just... Shall we? Bizzle, crags, hen, hole, snitter, spy law. Rabbit, no.

Rabbit, no. On to Copsbridge. Disciplining his rabbit. Me jee-haw. Didn't they organise Live Aid? Yeah, it's an unequivocable... An unequivocable... An unarguable...

An unpronounceable, five out of five. Yes. Oh, thank you. You didn't even mark me down for Simon's side. That did not mark you down because it was also,

what was it also called? Seaman, no? Seaman's side. Yeah, Seaman's side. I'm surprised those people managed to climb it. Or Sigmund's seat. All right, great.

Thank you. I'll tuck that away in my little elfin pocket. Is it made of moss? It's made of moles' skins. Moles are really small, aren't they? They're like really small, like a couple of... Are they like five centimetres long? I've never measured a mole.

I don't think I've ever seen a mole in real life. And moles can't see, so they've never seen moles either. Oh, the irony. Second category, supernatural. Yeah, big time. Yeah? Yeah. No ghosts, but I've got several apparitions.

I've got a whole cabin. Today, I'm not going to mark you down for no ghosts, no dust. Because everything there is too wet to form dust. Yeah, it's too boggy. It's too peaty. By the way, Pete Boggs, I looked him up. They aren't a baseball player. That's Wade Boggs that I was thinking of.

Pete Boggs is an incidental character from the MCU who appears in one episode of one of the Marvel TV series. Right. Wade Boggs is what I was thinking of, like one episode of one of the Marvel TV series is right Wade Boggs is what I was thinking of which sounds like what the Dwega were trying to

get that guy to do yeah very good I know I've heard of him because he's in the baseball episode of The Simpsons is he the one from Always Sunny

that I don't know famously drank loads of beer yeah on a plane and that it's like he drank 70 beers on a cross-country flight. Wow. I mean, that's 330 mils, not pints. We're not talking pints.

Oh, okay. That's still quite a lot, though, 70. 35 pints. Nah. Anyway, we've done naming. What are we doing? Supernatural. Supernatural.

We've got Will-o'-the-Wisps, Mystery Lights, Magic Cottage. It was very atmospheric as well. I like the sound of this Simonside place. I want to go there. I mean, the whole area, it's covered with cairns and burial mounds. It really is ancient. No wonder the local people thought it was thick with mystery. I want to go there.

Is it far? It sounds far. Not from Moorpath, no. Moorpath? I've got enough Puth, thanks. Less Puth, if anything. I'm going to actually go with a bang old five. Oh, wow.

Yeah, that really, very atmospheric, very spoopy. I liked it. Thank you. Oh, great. Well, I'm kind of nervous about the last of two, because you usually like toopy. I liked it. Thank you. Oh, great. Well, I'm kind of nervous about the last of two, because you usually like to try and balance things out in the scores. Mm-hmm. Next category, ingrate.

Ingrate, yeah, in the sense that you were an ingrate by siding with the wrong person in the story, but also that guy was not very gracious when it comes to the hospitality shown to him by the duerger. No, because it's not even like he thinks he's in a harbour, like a shepherd's cottage or whatever it is. Like a body type thing where... Yeah, like a body type thing that's for anyone to use.

And he goes in and he clearly seems to know that he's trespassing, basically, in the Dwiger's house. Yes, when he comes in, he thinks it's a person's house and quickly realises it's not a human house. But he still knows it belongs to somebody. Yeah, they're just sitting there absorbing the heat from the fire. They don't like their own fire. The fire is burning when they go in. The fire was already burning.

Okay, fair enough. You'd say something. At least a sort of, you know, like when someone sits next to you on the bus. An acknowledgement. Is anyone sitting here? Sorry, you've just sat on the edge of my coat. So, very ingratious. Also, if you fell into a moss hag, if you fell into a wet bit of peat bog,

you'd be like, I'm in. Great. That's another case another very ironic great there yep and the fire was in a great i suppose yeah probably probably four though oh all right because the other story involved no well the other story i suppose the guy should have listened to his um handsome james shakeshaft type friend yep yeah mean, that character is not in the story. I just added that for colour.

What if I were to take that for and be really unreasonably grumpy about it? I'll put you down to a five, Sonny.

Yeah. Can I turn it into a five by being like, oh, four. It's rubbish. I see what you're doing and I'm

annoyed, but I am, yeah, legally, I have to put that up to a five now. Yes! That's three fives in a row. Wow. I've never been on a to a five now. Yes! That's three fives in a row. Wow.

I've never been on a streak like this before. I'm really nervous about doing the final category because it could all go wrong. I'm pretty confident about this. Aiming for 2020. For a mad dog. Okay. Okay, right, let's do this.

Final category, annoying little guy. Oh, oh yeah and you made me think of so many yep yeah so we've got schnaff yep orco orco no no lepid robot uh am i a lucy um and the what i'm gonna look him up i Googled, I Googled masters of the universe movie creep and it didn't come up with it. So it might just be my opinion. What is it? Gwildor. Gwildor. I don't even know who that is,

but just based on the name, he sounds awful. We've got the Duerger, they're annoying little guys, but also I feel like this guy, the traveler is quite an annoying little guy as well. Yes, there's so many annoying chaps in this.

And Mr. Tint-Tint, that's quite annoying behaviour. Yes. To just go out there taunting them. Yes. I feel like the protagonists of our animated TV series, Otter Cops, probably quite annoying.

Yeah. If it's anything like Paw Patrol. Well, the thing is, I think if you go in it as well, if you're going expecting it to be some sort of LGBTQ plus positive animation and it turns out to be just an animal-based police procedural cartoon, you're going to be annoyed by those little guys.

Yeah. More whimsical copaganda. Yep. The midges of Midgy Ha are probably annoying little guys. Alistair, you've got aaganda. Yep. The midges of midgy-ha. The midges of midgy-ha are probably annoying little guys. Alistair, you've got a mad dog. Yeah? You've got a 20 out of 20. Yes!

Has that ever happened before? Listeners, tell us if it's happened. Not since lockdown fever. Thank you. What are you going to do with that? I'm going to make you a snow egg omelette. To celebrate. And we'll eat it at Willie's Cairns.

That's just some steam. When you kick an otter cop off the case, he has to hand in his little stone that he likes. Oh, and it's tough. Yeah. I want your pebble and your otter gun, because they're giving them guns, because they've got hands that they can use them.

Yeah. But they call them otter guns to try and make it sound sweet. They call them otter guns even though they're not differentiated from guns in any way

except that otter They're real guns. They're real guns. Yeah. That's probably the reason that won't get commissioned. Oh, what?

We can't show nunchucks but we can't show otters with photorealistic guns. nunchucks but we can't show otters with photorealistic guns james have you got an itinerary of things you need to talk about in the outro there i do actually get on with it because okay uh there's so much say, it's too long for the music, so fade the music down. Please pray silence.

Oh, right, excuse me. Fading down, fading down, fading it down. Done. First thing first, and I didn't put this on the itinerary, I just want to say very quickly, listening back to that, I realised why I took against the traveller in the second story, and it's because you say that he's a James Shakespeare type. Yeah.

And as with anyone, if someone says oh, you'll love this person, they're just like you, you don't like him. You're never going to like him. I can't actually remember what I meant. Don't like him. It meant that he was an otter. And so to business. First things first, if you want to hear a bunch of extras

and get a sticker, join our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. There's a whole slew of extra material on there and access to the Lawmen Discord, a.k.a. the Law Folk, which is where you'll be able to join your snore folk and your chore folk. Obviously, times are tight, so if you can't support us in that way leaving a review on your podcast platform of choice is massive support and really helps us out please thank you minimum five stars min min five stars min and if you want to come and see us

do this live you can on the 7th of october 2022 2022 if you just google lawmen cheerful earful that's um the name of the podcast festival that we're appearing as part of that is in shepherd's bush london's bushy shepherd's bush region yeah if you've never been it isn't how you would visualize it based on the name there's no sheep um and i don't I don't think I've ever seen a bush there. And if you want to come see us on the 31st of October, hmm, that's something about that date that's special. No, it's just a special day. We are doing another live show at the Bill Murray

in London's Angelic Angel District, which, similarly, no angels. No angels at all, hardly. No, there are no angels no angels at all hardly no angels and that's all that do you have wang the music

back in and hopefully there's something post credit I haven't done a story for a long time I've forgotten how to do it

also because of guests I had to make sure I was quite prepped for them because a lot of them are not naming any names, really just make

it up as they go on. Of the two guests we had, you may be able to work out which one we're talking about. He didn't prepare. Which one comes in with a swagger, like he didn't even revise for his GCSEs kind of a vibe? Yes.

And we had to put out a full corrections episode on it. Yeah, on his episode. So I don't know. But yeah, name in no names. You've kept it vague enough.