Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep19: Loremen S4 Ep19 - The Coach Ghost

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

Another Halloween spooker! This week, Alasdair unfolds a tale from the Great North Road, or thereabouts. This yarn has everything: highwaymen, road ghosts, the director Peter Jackson and accents. At least two accents. For the full A-to-Z (actually A-to-Y) of weird Yorkshire words, check out the Patreon. And to see the Loreboys' Halloween Special LIVE and in person, get tickets here: https://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/loremen-halloween-spooktakular-31st-oct-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202210311830/ Or join in online at YouTube.com/LoremenPodcast Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.youtube.com/loremenpodcast

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shake Shaft. And James, I've got a story for you from Yorkshire. Oh, by eckers like, have you? Are you Bartat? Erm. Answer my question, are you Bartat?

Are you, or are you not Bartat? Is that a character from Star Wars? It means without hat. I am Atlas. I am Atlas in that I have nothing on my head and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Oh. Well, hopefully this will be a pleasant distraction after the very spooky tale. This

is the story of the Coach Ghost. Hello there, James Shakeshaft. Oh, hello there, Alistair Beckett-King. How are you? I'm pretty good, thanks, actually. How are you? I'm pretty good, thanks, actually. How are you? I'm glad you asked. I have a cold. Oh. In fact, I only asked you how you were in the hope that you would ask me how I was so I could get a bit of sympathy. Ah. And you nearly didn't do it. We've shortened the pause in the edit between me asking you and you going,

and you? Yeah, it was about an hour. It was a really long, long pause. Yeah. While I was going, mm, mm. Cough, cough. You blew your nose about four times. Yep, yep. I've got a rag tied around my head. What do they do in the olden days?

No, it's toothache. I'm thinking of a hot water bottle tied to the top of my head. That's what I'm imagining. They used to do that, didn't they? I don't know what that did. Oh, it burned your head head real bad so is that hot or is that cold what's in that it depends if it's that american-y bag for ice yeah but i'm pretty sure you're right i've seen hot water bottle looking things tied to the tops of heads i can't think of a condition where keeping the top of the head hot is essential cooling offing off the head would be preferable, like with a fever

wouldn't it? Unless you want to like those sort of firefighters that we talked about in Spokane. They blew up some of the houses to stop the fire. Maybe that's the sort of format. Burn the head off and then just start again.

That's right. Starve a fever, burn a head. That's what they say, isn't it? Feed a cold, starve a fever burn a head that's what they say isn't it feed a cold starve a fever burn the top of your head off burn off the top of your head that's the advice and just to remind listeners we are doctors and that is medical advice oh please please do this do we have to say that was a joke only if it was my head top of my head is actually quite hot and i'm not feeling any better about it burn in the top of your head will not cure anything but if you've got a head cold surely logically a really hot head is the solution i don't know why it's called a cold because it's

not a feature of it that you feel cold but i suppose you show the symptoms of being cold because when you are cold sometimes your nose does run shivering and sneezing and stuff yeah and i've noticed that if somebody falls into water in the next scene the next scene will begin with them wrapped in a blanket sneezing yes now i don't know if that happens in real life but it happens every single time on television that's what they'll do at the start of the next scene so while are you sneezing did you fall in water in the previous scene i would ask why of course i did my hair's dry because i tied a water bottle to it and the warmth dried it out that's why that's what the continuity is about but they're

not allowed to show people having a water bottle on their head anymore because a pc gone mad because doctors don't want it's one secret doctors don't want you to know that you can cure pretty much anything with a really really hot head most doctors not james and me we don't mind you knowing but we also don't endorse it as as not doctors we do not endorse any of the medical tips hacks and secrets that we've given out james and alair don't endorse any of the lawmen medical advice. That we dispense. Offered, that we offer. It's intended for entertainment purposes only.

If that. Speaking of things that aren't entertaining, should we do a story? Let's get into the podcast. Oh, a genuine cough there from me. Didn't even fall into water in the previous scene. Oh, gosh. Well, do you know what that means then? Oh, what genuine cough there from me. Didn't even fall into water in the previous scene. Oh, gosh. Well, you know what that means then? Oh, what's that?

You're doomed. Oh, yeah. I only coughed into a handkerchief, James. That can't mean anything. Was that handkerchief already red? I wouldn't worry about that. Okay. Well, I'll put that from my mind.

I would like to introduce you or reintroduce you to richard blakeborough oh yes of the hand of glory and for the grandfather's tales fame oh yes so he collected absolutely tons of folklore about yorkshire where he was from and after his death uh his son published this book in 1924, I think. And included in those tales is the story of the coach ghost. But before we get to that, I want to make sure that you and I have a true, deep understanding and appreciation of Yorkshire. Aye. Well, I can tell from your accent, obviously, that you do have a profound respect for the

people of Yorkshire slash Lancashire. Slash tut north. It hurts me when you say that. Richard Blakeborough collected a glossary of 4,000 Yorkshire words. No. For rain. Oh, God. It's not even that rainy compared to Lancashire. Yeah, that's

true. So I'd like to do a quick rundown of, well, there's not one for every letter of the alphabet, but for every letter of the alphabet that there is one, I'd like to see if you can work out what the word means to see how, how Yorkshire are you? Okay. That's the name of the segment. How Yorkshire are thee? Are you ready, James? Aye. All right. Well, first word is afterwit.

Afterwit? Or afterwit. It's a noun. What's an afterwit? Is it like an after-dinner speaker that's funny? Close, yeah. You've worked out what the two parts of the word mean. It's an idea which strikes one,

often when too late to remedy a mistake. Very apt for this podcast. Yes. There will be some pronunciation corrections coming up later. The next one, coom or cum, C-O-O-M, noun. Is it like a hill? No. The opposite of a hill? No, it's nothing like a hill? No. The opposite of a hill?

No, it's nothing like a hill. Small wood. What must that mean? What must it be, James? I don't know. It must be... Dust! Yes! Yes.

Coom means dust, as in sawcoom. Sawdust. So if you coom your hair... You dust in your hair, yeah. You look like you're in a school play and you're meant to be old. Yeah. Yes. Dodrums.

Dodrums. Now, as in, he's got the dodrums. What would the dodrums be? Oh, like sort of shaky legs, wobbly legs. Yes, shaking. If you're shaking violently, if you're unnerved, you've got dodrums. Oh, nice one. I think I get this one.

Aegon. Go away. Really? No, it just means what Aegon this one. Egg on. Go away. Really? No, it just means what egg on means now in the present. What does that mean? Jog on? No, sorry. It never occurred to me that that wasn't a widely used phrase.

Oh, as in to egg someone on? Yeah, that's a phrase, right? To like GM up? Yes, to incite, to urge. That's not an old-fashioned phrase, is it? It is kind of old-fashioned. Maybe. I don't know if you hear the youth say it.

I've never heard anyone say it on TikTok. I don't think egg on TikTok is a thing. No. We're on to F now. Uh-oh. We're powering through the alphabet. Flittermaus. I know this one.

Yep. It's a bat. Yes, you've met this one. Yes. I guess like Flatermaus, the German word for bat. Ich bin Flatermausmann. Is that what Batman sounds like in German? Yeah, probably.

Wo bist du? Ich bin Flatermausmann. bat it's been flayed a mouse man is that what batman sounds like in german yeah probably what is that that's the bit in the film where the guy goes who are you i'm batman i'm too ill to try and improvise to the batmobile in German, but I think it would be Mein Fleder Auto or something. Greasehorn. Oh, yuck. Yucky. Well, sort of. A greasehorn is a toady or a sycophant. Oh, right. Like a brown nose,

but a greased horn. Yeah, but a greased horn. Yeah. Ugh. Ken milk. Ugh. Name of our Yorkshire correspondent, Ken milk. To gn. Name of our Yorkshire correspondent, Ken milk.

To know... I can see the logic that you're following there. To really know milk. Known milk. The known milk. Because there's known milks, unknown milks, and spoiled milks. Are you being Donald Rumsfeld there? Yeah. The Donald Rumsfeld of milk.

Yes. It's buttermilk, ch there? Yeah. The Donald Rumsfeld of milk. Yes. It's buttermilk. Churned milk. Oh. Canned milk. By the way, this is a form of copyright,

isn't it? My idea, a little mini butter churn put on your kitchen side for when you run out of butter, pop a little bit of milk in there, turn it on. Three days later, you've got some butter.

You've got a small pack of butter. Very convenient. Very, very small amount of butter three days later. Yeah. some butter you've got a small pack of butter very very small amount of butter three days later yeah so that's my that's my invention

so no one steal it see if anything comes of that lapcock oh lapcock that's the standard place it's a small bundle of hay twisted in the arms

and laid to dry ah offal mint oh an offal mint it's a northern sort of a pudding haggis. Well, I mean, offal is involved. It's not a sweet offal.

Sweet, sweet offal. It just means offal or a useless good-for-nothing fellow. Oh. Stuff which is of little value. Offalmint. Offalmint. A poshing stick. A poshing stick.

Yes. Is that like the thing that the queen uses? Oh, sorry. D poshing stick? Yes. Is that like the thing that the Queen uses? Oh, sorry. Dating myself there. Used. The thing that the Queen used to knight people, a poshing stick. Well, it could also be poshing stick. It's a stick used to pos.

What's a pos? Are we going to get to that on pee? Or beat something with. So it's like a heavy club. But I think it's like you would use to doing your laundry in a barrel, you know? You know, the big stick beating all the old clothes in there. I think that's a poshing or poshing stick. Right.

Quality. Now. Good. Who are, no, that's an adjective. Who are the quality? Is it an indie band? I shouldn't have said the quality Just

good, nice people You might hit them with that stick from before Oh, the posh Yes, it's the gentry Oh, a quality The nobles, the quality Quite the opposite, a racapelt

Someone whose clothes are all ripped Well, a low, dissolute fellow. So quite possibly, yeah. And that person might be switched. Ooh. Kidnapped. Drunk, I'm afraid. Oh.

Inebriated. Switched. A switched. What's a telepie tit or a telpiet? Telepie tit. Telepie tit. Delia Smith? Jamie Oliver.

This is very close to a phrase that was still in use when I was a kid. Don't be a tell... A telltale. Telltale Tit, as we said when I was in school. A telltale Tit. Yeah, a tale bearer, like you and me, James. Snitch. Yeah, snitches.

This one's a real challenge. Upset with. To be upset? With, yes? Snitch. Yeah, snitches. This one's a real challenge. Upset with. To be upset? With, yes. It means upset with, yeah. I've no idea why that would be in the glossary. Just in case.

Winter hedge. This one's good. I don't think you're going to get this one. Grey haired. No, that's really creative. Well done. I don't know then. Clothes horse.

Ah. Because in the summer you'd draw your clothes on a hedge. And so a clothes horse is winter's hedge. Life hack there. Good life hack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost like Shaftian in its life hackability. In summer, when you've got no clothesauces, simply use a hedge.

Are your hedges wet? Use a clothesauce. And finally... Yuck. Yuck. Yuck clothesline. And finally, yuck. Yuck. Yuck. Just yuck. Standard yuck. As in, for instance, yuck for Castleton.

If you were from Castleton. Look. No. You might say yuck for Chipping Yorton if it was in Yorkshire. Like yucks. Is it like cheering? Yes, it's like huzzah, hurrah for, here's to. So it doesn't mean, ugh.

Ugh, opposite, really. Curious usage is attached to this word. At any social gathering in the Cleveland Dales, when those assembled have grown excited, someone will shout, yuck for our deal, to which another will instantly reply, yuck for our deal, to which another will instantly reply, yuck for Castleton, or yuck for blank, mentioning his own locality. Ah, three yucks for that concept.

Three yucks, yeah. For he's a yucky fellow. I don't know. So that's Yorkshire, and that's how people there talk. That is Yorkshire in an alphabet. That's the whole of Yorkshire. There's no word beginning with Z in the entirety of Yorkshire. Bad luck.

And Blakeborough recounts a very spooky tale in the vicinity of the Great North Road. Now, the Great North Road, I think, roughly follows the same line as the Great North Eastern Rail line. Oh, yeah. Essentially going from London all the way up to Edinburgh. And the Great North Road goes through places like Grantham, Darlington, Durham, and so on. Lovely train journey.

And our story begins in Pickering at a pub called The Black Swan, where two brothers are boarding a coach bound for York. Now, I don't want to say that this is incredibly authentic, but one of those brothers is Peter Jackson, the director of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Oh, wow. And to a lesser extent, the director of the Hobbit trilogy. To a much lesser extent, although it still feels longer. And he recounted this story to richard blakeborough to blakeborough senior himself so that's that's pretty authentic you know you know what it's like traveling by carriage it's you and a load of strangers bundled into a little room rattling over cobblestones and slotting through the the pos which i think is mud you forget i'm not a time traveler vampire so i

don't well is that what it's like is that what it I'm not a time-travelling vampire, so I don't. Is that what it's like? Is that what it was like? I'm not a time-travelling... How are these rumours that I'm a time-travelling vampire being spread? Cantril. Cantril. Well, they were driving along and everything seemed fine until they passed through Moulton and got well onto the York Road when suddenly they came to whatever the horse version of a screeching halt is.

A whinnying slowdown. Yeah, the horses reared, the coachman pulled up on the reins and the coach nearly overturned. What had stopped them? Absolutely nothing. There was nothing in the road in front of them. Sounds like you've got some faulty horses. It does sound like a horse fault. Yes. It's not. The coachman went down to make sure that the,

the coach's springs were okay. I imagine that he needed those rattling over cobbles as much as they did. Yeah. I suppose there's not much to check as well on a coach. You just go down and you go one, two, three, four wheels there.

Yeah. All right, lads. Horses, you there. Yeah. That's the two, three, four. Wheels are there. Yeah. All right, lads. Horses, you there. Yeah. That's the two of them. Yep.

One of them's played by Scooby-Doo. Yeah, old days mechanics were like, well, there's your problem. There's no horses. As he got back up, Peter Jackson asked him, what happened to the woman who had been in the road in front of the carriage? Oh, wow. And the driver said, did you see her as well? And there was much argument among the people in the coach as to whether anyone had been in the road.

Only one other person had seen the figure of a woman standing in the road, pointing at one member of the party. And now there was no sign of her. An obvious, straight up ghost. I think you'll agree. Sounds like a classic road ghost. Classic road ghost. One of my favourite types of ghost.

So, Petey Jackson was obviously a little bit shaken. Did he make a series of films about this? Yeah, he tells this story in a needlessly long, needlessly drawn out three-part film series. Is this the first part of a trilogy of podcasts? Looking forward to the singing though. Will there be like a Tom Bombadil aside? No, he had a sense to cut Bombadil out.

Anyway, forget it. Better not be any women in this. That's not Peter Jackson's fault. Yeah, don't blame Peter Jackson for that. So after this point in the story, the coachman starts to behave very strangely. There's no way they can go on. He takes them off towards an inn. I suppose this is the other thing that your coach mechanic would have to look at.

The coachman. Like, yeah, wheel's good. Horse is fine. It's your coachman. Yeah, your coachman's slipping. Yeah, that's your problem. Yeah, he's good. Horse is fine. It's your coachman. Yeah, your coachman's slipping. Yeah, that's your problem. Yeah, he's tapped. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, he was. He took them to an inn in Malton. And so I said, you know, we're not going on. Everyone off, everyone off, everyone off. We're not going on after what just happened. And Peter Jackson and everyone else said, well, that seems reasonable.

I mean, you're the coachman, you know. Wouldn't he speak with a New Zealand accent, Alistair? He says, yeah. You know that I struggle with a New Zealand accent. He says, yes, that's absolutely fine. Ah, he's gone South African so quickly. That went South African on the first noise. Yes.

I thought yes was all right. Well, we'll stay here, I suppose. I learned how to be a coachman in Cape Town. He's not. This is Peter Jackson. He's just a passenger. He doesn't know how to be a coachman. Okay.

On my mistake. Yes. So the coachman then gathers together some hardy gentlemen from Malton, the blacksmith and a few other big lads. Couple of big lads. And they get into the coachman then gathers together some hardy gentlemen from Malton, the blacksmith and a few other big lads. Couple of big lads. And they get into the coach. What's going on? He says, look, you stay here.

You, that Kiwi fella, and all the rest of you, you stay here. We'll deal with this situation. But one passenger, the one who perhaps was being pointed at by the spectral woman, says, well, I need to get to York straight away. I don't know if you've seen The Langoliers, but you know the way the guy in The Langoliers, Mr. Toomey, really needs to get to Boston for the whole television miniseries.

Is that him from Quantum Leap? He's in it. No, no. Oh, is he not that guy? He doesn't play that guy? No, the bad guy is... Is that how you say it as well, Langoliers? Langoliers, yeah, I think so. It's Bronson Pinshot, who you might remember from Beverly Hills Cop.

Yes, yes I do. Plays Mr. Toomey, who spends the entire series saying, I have a very important business meeting in Boston. But you don't understand. Boston's not there anymore. Yeah, they're trapped in yesterday. So, like, the business meeting is, that's not happening. You're late.

You're really late. You're late or early. Well, actually, yeah, kind of early. Anyway, so he's like that. He says, I've got a very important business meeting in York. Because Boston is in Lincolnshire. It is, yes. And he insists on going along with them.

Well, that's all very strange, thinks Peter Jackson. But that's the sort of thing he likes. He likes weird stuff. Does he think he likes weird things? Yeah. Have you seen The Frighteners? No, I haven't. With Michael J. Fox.

Is that about ghosts? Yeah, it's really good. Is it? Yeah. Are you just saying that because it's got your hero Michael J. Fox in? Or is it actually good? In part, yes. So a short while later, the erstwhile passengers are seated around a fire in the inn,

and the innkeeper comes in, and they're like, could we please have an explanation about what the flip is going on? Excuse my language. They say, what happened there? What's going on with all the people getting into the coach? What's going on with that passenger who insisted on going to York? And they find out that passenger is not going to York. He's chained up in his yard.

What? Twist. Someone's given him a big, big old whack on the back of the head, and he's chained up in the innkeeper's yard. Is this innkeeper some kind of horrible Stephen King-esque serial killer, you might be asking, or is he a hero? I don't know. It's the second one.

Here's what happened from the coachman's point of view. As they were riding, he saw the spectral figure pointing her finger towards that passenger and knew instantly that she was warning him of danger right i do i do i do want to ask about how imagine the scene in jfk where they sort of map out the car yeah right and she's in front of the coach pointing basically i'm guessing there's four people or so in the back in a classic quad position. And there's a coachman and presumably a side guy. They often have a side guy.

Yeah, usually a little side piece, yes. So this ghost is going to be pointing at three people at once. That's a line of three people. Is it a magic point? It's just, yeah, she might have been quite near. I don't know how near she was. Was she sort of going, no, not it, behind, there, round, back, there, that guy, yes, that guy, yes.

All I can tell you is he could see who she was pointing at. Right, okay, he understood. He knew. He understood. Yeah, he got it, yeah. And he realised that they were in a set-up. Essentially, there were highwaymen up ahead. Oh, no.

And that person was the inside man. His job, when the highwayman approached, was to pull his gun and stick it in the back of the driver's head and say, don't move, grandpa, or something to that effect. I thought it would be like he was the inside man. So when they get pulled up by the highwayman, the highwayman goes, your money or your life? He goes, I think we should give him our money, right?

Right, right? Right, everyone? I'll go first. Well, this is very easy. That's not a difficult choice. These people seem reasonable. The blacksmith and all the other big lads piled into the coach, and they went out and effortlessly captured the unsuspecting high woman who thought they were going to have a confederate inside the carriage, but

in fact did not. I hope they dressed up in the clothes of the quality that was probably in that carriage to use the parlance of the time. Yes, really good. Well done. Thank you. I didn't think you were from Yorkshire. Not with this accent.

Sorry, Wellington. But the question remains, why, how, why did a ghost appear to warn that driver that something bad was about to happen? And the answer lies even further in the past. That coachman's grandfather had been in love with a young woman called Nance, which I assume is short for Nancy. Or Long for Nan. And they made a wonderful pair

and they were about to be married. And, well, wouldn't you know it, a nobleman came to town. Oh, no. Throwing his money around and talking a big talk. You know the kind. He probably had frilly shirts.

He probably had buttons. He probably had buttons. People were very overly impressed with buttons at that time, I think. Like a toddler. Yeah. Were they toddlers? Well, they're just largely a functional item, buttons, these days. But in the old days, it was like, oh, look at him with his shiny buttons how were things attached they were made a little

piece of poo it would you would use stuck together with mud exactly but rich people could afford buttons um and so he came in like gaston like benjamin button but at the bit when he's at his absolute peak yeah is he you're calling him Benjamin Button because he has nice buttons. Yeah, but not because he ages backwards. I don't think that's part of this story. I do think that's the main thing about Benjamin Button, though, so it is confusing. He didn't have any buttons.

So when you see some buttons, you're like, hey, it's like that Benjamin Button. When you say that, do people look confused? Yeah. What was I talking about? You've confused me with your Benjamin Button nonsense. Oh, yes. The Flash Harry.

Yeah, Flash Harry. A Lord Flashheart type arrives. And I'm sorry to say, he manages to seduce old Nance. He whisks her off her feet. And by the time the old coachman's grandfather comes looking, she's nowhere to be seen. Very sad. But he's still in love with her and a year passes. And one day the old coachman's grandfather, who is also a coachman and his name's Tom, sees a frail figure by the side of the road one day. A sickly woman nursing a baby.

It is none other than poor Nance. He immediately stops the coach and gets her into the coach, asks the two women, quality, two ladies in there, to please look after her because she's not well.

And they presumably go, ugh, ugh. A horrible, filthy peasant lady who's nearly dead. What, a ragapelt? A rackapelt. Rackapelt. Yeah, they try and push her out of there with a poshing stick. An un-poshing stick.

They are very upset with her being in. Actually, they're not. They look after her. They're quite nice. Oh, good. And he manages to get her back to town. And, well, it's very sad. She's clearly dying.

Obviously, what happened was the rich man was posh. He was genuinely posh, but he was the penniless, younger son of an aristocrat who had turned highwayman. Oh, so they were stolen buttons. Apparently, as so many of them do, it says. It sounds like you've got some kind of systemic problem, if that's happening a lot. Have less buttons. As apparently, as so many of them do, it says. It sounds like you've got some kind of systemic problem if that's happening a lot. Have less buttons.

So she asks him, Tom, I'm dying, but will you raise this little kid? And Tom says, alas, I'll be a father to the bear. And Nancy knew the promise would be faithfully kept. So that was the last time that Tom saw Nancy alive. She died and he brought up the kid. But it wasn't the last time he saw Nancy. Because from then on, her spirit would appear to protect him

and his descendants on the roads around Malton. Whenever they came into difficulty on the Great North Road, she would be there. On one occasion, four quality fellas were going to pay extra if they could reach York by 8pm. And Tom was riding away, you know, making a good lick of it. He checked all his horses and he had the right number and everything. Four wheels, the whole deal.

He was well on his way. He'd oiled his horses. Where do you put a dipstick on a horse? I don't want to know. But then a fog started to come in, and he knew that if the fog came in, he'd never be able to carry on at full pelt. No, you'd have to slow down.

You'd have to slow down. Oh, no, no, no. The fog seemed to coalesce beside him, and then two marble-co cold hands took the rain. And he knew it was Nance. And through the close fog, couldn't see his hand in front of his face. She rode up full pelt. And the guys in the coach were like, they're waving their washing sticks.

We could die. We're rich. You can't treat us like this. You boy. We'll give you four guineas or whatever it is anyway. Take our buttons. But he said, don't worry about it. I know what I'm doing.

So he followed every turn with her until they felt the cobbles of York streets under the wheels of the cart. He got to Whitmer Watmergate. He got to Whitmer Watmergate well before eight. Nice. And he got his Whitmer Watmergate. He got to Whitmer Watmergate well before eight. Nice. And he got his money. Nice little rhyme.

I'm just going to get the quote for the ending of the story. Have you subcontracted it? He's sucking his teeth.

Is that a good noise? Yeah, I can end it, but it will cost you. It's going to involve a callback. I'm going to have to reflect the beginning in good noise? Yeah, I can end it, but it will cost you. It's going to involve a callback. I'm going to have to reflect the beginning in some way.

The innkeeper concluded, Several times after that, Nan helped Tom out of awkward situations. And when the day came for Tom's son to take his father's place, the old man, giving this advice, said he, And last of all, Tom, and there's nought about driving a coach which is a more consequence than this, think on. If ever you are in a fix, and you find yourself beat, and Nance comes to your help, let her have her way.

Trust both coach, cattle, and yourself to her. You'll pull through all right, take my word for it. Think on, continued old Tom. If she signals to you to stop, stop, my lad. If she ever takes hold of the ribbons, let her drive. That is my story, gentlemen, and that explains what Tom meant when he said he had a warning finger pointed to the book. It was now chained by the leg in my yard.

Oh. So that's why, yeah, she came to help out and to say, you should chain that guy up so that's the story of the coach ghost lovely story sort of heartwarming in a way yeah it's quite sweet although kind of weird that we're invited to trust in the judgment of nancy even though in life her judgment was actually quite poor but i suppose she'd recognize a highwayman ah yes that's suppose that's it yes yes she would are you ready to score this tale james yeah i think so i i i my first category is names naming oh there's some lovely names yeah yeah i threw in a good

good few nouns i thought you got a flitter mouse But in the story, we got Nance and Tom. The old Nance and Tom. Okay, yeah, they're just quite normal names. And Peter Jackson. Peter Jackson, yes. Acclaimed New Zealand director. Yes. Well, I missed out.

There's one character I missed out, who is the landlady of the York Tavern, who tended to young Nance as she was brought in on her last legs. And her name is Mrs Pullin. Mrs Pullin. P-U-L-L-E-Y-N, as in Pullin to the York Tavern. So it's a bit of branding there, I think. Nice.

If you're driving past, Pullin. Did she change her name by deed poll in order to... I can only assume that she did, yes. Once again, I don't want to get into nominative determinism. So, it wasn't overflowing with names, though, and you did slightly game the system by chucking in a glossary. All right, I did include 4,000 words at the top. That's true.

So I'm going to say three. All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've got a cold. I don't need to apologize. I feel I do. I'm not angry. I'm just very disappointed.

Okay. My next category is supernatural. Oh, yeah. I mean, how else? She's like a supernatural Batman. Flader Mouse Man. Yeah, she's like a Norton antivirus, but for highwaymen. She's like a sat-nav that also can look into your soul

and tell if you're guilty or not. Yeah. An Alexa. I love a road ghost. I don't know what it is about it, but I love it. You like a ghost on the road? I like a ghost on the road. And there was a whole backstory.

It ties up very neatly, I have to say. It's a very well-rounded ghost story. It is a lovely tale. So I'm going to go high. In fact, I'm going to give you full marks because you even mentioned dust in the glossary. Yes. What was it called again? What was dust? Yeah.

Kulm. No. Kulm. Oh, Kulm. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Five.

Five out of five. Five out of five. Thank you. My next category is hot-headedness. Hot-headedness. Yes, you. Because I've got a hot head. Yep, because I've got a hot water bottle tied to my head for reasons unknown.

Is it making you feel any better? No, no, absolutely not. All high women are themselves quite hot-headed. Yes. They could just get a job. Sell some of them buttons. Nancy was quite hot-headed in her choice to run off with the uh with the quote-unquote gentleman the supposed quality

person so there's some examples of hot-headedness in the story blustering the men were probably blustering in the back and have got quite red-faced which would imply a hothead. Yeah, absolutely. And the locals who decided to bring rough justice, Yorkshire Rustics, you know, you wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of their pitchforks. No. Four. Four, okay. And my final category is yuck for Yorkshire. Oh, yuck.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Because obviously it is a firmly held belief among everyone from Yorkshire that Yorkshire is the best. They do mention that. It comes up a lot. And I think this story bears that out because all around the country you've got ghosts affrighting people and scaring people and spooking and bothering them.

Oh, but not them Yorkshire ghosts. But not in Yorkshire. In Yorkshire, ghosts pull their weight. Friendly ghosts. In London, you go to London, no ghost will look you in the eye. You don't even say thank you to the ghost that's driving the car when they get off the car in London. No one talks to the ghost.

People in London do say thank you to the bus driver sometimes. Just saying, thank you, driver. I don't know how many times I'm going to need to say that before I stop saying it. Anyway. I think it's because the London buses have more likely to have the second door in the middle of the bus. Yes.

And as far as I've noticed from my time in the North, their buses have the single door at the front of the bus situation. And so it would be very rude if you didn't thank the driver. It's like a cloaca. It's one hole that does everything in Yorkshire buses. So yuck for Yorkshire. Yuck for Yorkshire. It's cloaca bus holes.

Yuck indeed. If you don't know what Cloaca is. You should be able to work it out from the description. Well, it is a very, very helpful ghost. I think it better be five out of five. Otherwise, I'll alienate even more our Yorkshire fan base. Yeah. So I think yuck.

Five yucks. Five yucks. Five yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. You sound like Goofy laughing. So that, James, is the story of the coach ghost. Yeah, not the business class ghost. If you were a listener and you had had your fill of just hearing our voices saying these words and you actually wanted to see our voices saying these words,

what could you do? Well, James, you could see us live at the Bill Murray on Halloween. A couple of days away. It is, the 31st of October. What if they can't get to London? Then they could stream the flip out of it. Where on? YouTube.

YouTube. YouTube. The answer? YouTube. YouTube. YouTube. The answer's YouTube, James. You can stream it on youtube.com forward slash lawmen podcast. You can see it all there. Oh, I can't wait. It's going to be great. No, we can't watch it on YouTube, Alastair.

We have to do it. What? We're the mugs that have to get in front of the camera. We're the blooming mug muggings here. You have to be very careful. I appreciate you trying not to alienate Yorkshire people. You have to be very careful not to alienate people by doing their accent offensively wrong.

Like even a different continent wrong. Do you think, though, that that would alienate... Are you going to be... Do you think you're going to alienate New Zealanders or South Africaners? You can't just go around doing people's accents wrong. Hi, I'm from New Zealand. Welcome to Canberra?

No, it's in Australia. That's so bad. Oh, just bring them in as well, yeah. Yeah, screw those guys too. Look, I think this has been a little bit shambolic, but I have got

quite a serious cold. No. I think I've done a great job, really. I think you have actually. I wish you well in your recovery. Thank you.

That's a really formal way of saying that, but thank you. I wish you well as well james i wish the listener well yes and who knew a new zealand accent with a cold would come out so south africa yeah that's the problem just a little i'm just a little bunged up i wish you well peter jackson good luck with all the films and so forth that you are making. Maybe make them a little bit shorter because sometimes you don't need three films for like one small book.

I really enjoyed the Get Back documentary. Was it three unnecessarily long films though? Yes. Yes, it was. Yes, it was.