Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep26: Loremen S4 Ep26 - 2022 Almanac Part 1

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Prepare yourself for a bumper look back on a bumper year. Dig into this seasonal hamper of treats, as selected by you, the lorefolk. This is part one of two, including favourite moments from:  The Well of the Seven Heads The Pedlar of Swaffham Yorkshire Dragons Jenny Collier Maxen Wledig The Curse of the Silk Shoes Talking Heads Sean Burke, St Colomba and the Monster The Wells of St Walstan, Norfolk William Adams, The First Englishman in Japan Part 1 PLUS all-new chit chat and classic lad banter about Star Trek. Join... Us... https://www.patreon.com/Loremenpod

well then alistair well well well mr james shakeshaft welcome to the lawmen podcast sports almanac the lawmanac the lawmanac the lawmanac yeah lawormenach. Have you sneaked it out of the back pocket of a jock? I went all the way to Strickland's office, and I got it out the bin, and I flipped it open, and it, I'll tell you what, it wasn't what I expected. No, it was something different. Ooh la la. Ooh la la.

Yeah. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I think it's a a switzwoo thing. It's some kind of cheesecake, they call it, don't they? Cheesecake is the name. Do they? Kind of pin-up drawings.

I knew them as jazz mags. Well, ooh. I don't know how rude that is. I think it's quite rude. I've always thought that if you were interested in jazz music, like, people who read magazines about jazz must have a hell of a time buying them. Yes.

Yeah, the same as parents whose kids are into the Australian TV show Bluey and want to buy the tie in Bluey magazine. I want to buy some pornography from a cockney in 1953. Yeah, that's going to be difficult. My two interests are Occupy, my kids who are fans of australian cartoons and jazz music news agent why have you gone red what a festive intro to the podcast that was yes it's it's another almanac edition alistair we're recapping what has gone before is that what an almanac is? I thought an almanac

was a book of predictions for the future. Yeah, I don't know. So we've called the episode an almanac without really knowing. But he who knows the past of a podcast, they know the future of the podcast as well, don't they, really?

Are you saying it's getting predictable at this point? All podcasts are very much um they're a perennial hardy vegetable a podcast a plant i'm sorry i'm reading the definition of almanac thank you it's why you i left you hanging there um something to do with farmers yeah i think that they're um it's a publication with information on what's going to happen, like weather and when to plant crops and that sort of thing. For the next year? For the future year. But you're right, a sports almanac is about the past.

Yeah, exactly. But I suppose in Back to the Future 2, they turn that on its head. It is both, yes. Yeah, they do. Well, whatever an almanac is... This is one of them. It sounds to me do. Well, whatever an almanac is... This is one of them. It sounds to me like we're using the word almanac, but what we really mean is clip show.

Yes, all right, Alistair, keep it down. It's just a compilation, Joe. It's like that episode where Riker goes into a coma. The Next Generation. Yeah? Is it just a shot of his face? It should have been. For 45 minutes or an hour plus with us.

That would have been an improvement on the original episode. And you could just hear the other crew members sobbing around him and playing him his favourite music and getting him his favourite magazines. Which was, what kind of music was that? It was jazz. Was it? Yeah.

I think William Riker would have woken up if he had the rustling of jazz mags. Hold on a second. Well, on that horrible image, whichever one we keep in, Christmas pig to you, Alistair. Christmas pig to you and all of us. And as a little sort of christmas pig uh warning or a little

teasing of the christmas pig uh we're gonna do a live stream on the 29th of december the teasing of the christmas pig yes 29th of december live stream christmas pig live christ Christmas Pig live. Christmas Pig live. Join us, bring all your Christmas Pig merch, you know, all the accoutrements. Your New Year's Pig merch can come along because it's betwixt Christmas and New Year. It's halfway between Christmas Pig and Plow Monday. What else are you going to be doing? What is Plow Monday?

I don't know. It's when they drag a big plow into church to get it blessed for the year or something like that. And I don't think I'm exaggerating. Plow Monday. You're saying it like it's a monster truck rally. Plow, plow, plow, plow Monday.

Monday, Monday. It's Plow Monday. Monday, Monday. But no, this is the Christmas Pig look back. Well, Alistair, we asked the law folk on the law folk discord for their highlights of the year. And they were very good at getting back to us on that, actually. Thanks.

Thank you. And we're going to play some clips from those because this is not a clip show. Isn't it? It's an almanac. Oh, it's an almanac, yeah. You're going to hoist yourself by your own petard, Alistair.

I do hate when that happens. I think you said I'll never do a clip show. In fact, can we just play James, I'll never do a clip show. That's a little joke where I say, it's going to say that you said that you would never do a clip show

and then I played a clip of it, but... Oh, do you want me to say that so you can use that as a clip? Oh yeah, go on. James, I'll never do a clip show. See? What? I don't remember saying that really just happened

are we just going to start with the best and then work down I don't know what's the best I think we're going to have to do it in not alphabetical

the other one chronological order okay yeah so we'll start with the oldest and we'll end with the most recent which will be that William Riker joke. And then eventually the almanac just spirals around infinitely until we're quoting jokes from the start of this episode.

This almanac is in the format of that snake from Greek myths. Ouroboros. Ouroboros, yeah. I think I've done that joke every time I attempted to. Possibly. So what is the first, what's the first clip? It's from January 2022, Series 3, Episode 94. This was recommended by Fainiser and Ingrid, amongst others,

and it was the very first episode of the year. One of the seven heads. And he says, a little particular highlight. Do you remember the exploits of Ronald McDonald? The year is 1663. And the local bigwig in this area is the chief of the McDonald clan, Donald Glass, aka Grey Donald. Everyone's got an AKA here.

Oh, good. From Gaelic to English and about five nicknames. If you get confused at any point, let me know. Okay. At the time that he died, his two young sons were being schooled overseas. And so these two boys, a couple of top lads, returned home to the house of Kepoch, where they lived. Their names were Alistair, great name, and Ranald.

Ranald. Ranald. MacDonald. He's not... Is he in a just slightly off version of the Admiral MacDonald outfit? Because he doesn't want to infringe on anyone's IP. Yeah, and they're made Mocky Mouse. No, he's not Ronald McDonald.

He's Ronald McDonald. Totally different. I mean, it's obviously the same name as McDonald. How did I not notice that? So Alistair, a.k.a. Alexander. I'm sure I've mentioned on the podcast before, Alistair is the Gaelic version of Alexander. So if you read this story elsewhere, you might hear these people referred to as Alexander. And the Burger King.

My name is like a knockoff of Burger King. Alistair Burger King. So he was due to become chief of the McDonald's when he reached maturity. When he got his five stars on his badge. I'm really sorry, Scottish people. I don't know if you've ever heard this joke before. There are loads of people

called McDonald's that's not just about the popular chain of restaurant. Don't get too invested in this kid is my advice to you at this point in the story,

James. Final category, I'm not loving it. Like a sinister version of I'm not loving it. Like a sinister version of I'm not loving it. This was not a delicious tale of locally sourced meat or whatever it is they claim goes into

it these days. I think they don't say locally sourced meat. They give it, they can put a name on it at least like beef. Oh yeah, yeah. Meat is too vague. It's like when I was a student and we used to eat fruit jam. Oh. And you were like, what fruit?

And the jam was like, don't ask questions. Do you want jam or not? I'm sweet, ain't I? Jam. Yeah. I mean, a lot of this tale made me do the name of the purple creature from the mcdonald's menagerie grimace weirdly they phased out that one from being a a mascot of the mcdonald's company you know grimace used to have four arms what he was an insect yep grimace used

to have four arms and he was a villain who would steal milkshakes with all of his arms. And then they got rid of two of his arms and made him a good guy. Yeah. I'm not loving that. So he was originally an insect then? Yes. It looks like a tardigrade.

The little sort of tiny little water bear. The little microscopic creature. Oh. Just Google tardigrade. It looks like Grimace with four arms. I'm going to do it. I'm doing it live. Oh, they're small, aren't they?

Are you looking at an actual tardigrade? That's minuscule. Wow. That's going to do it. I'm doing it live. Oh, they're small, aren't they? Are you looking at an actual tardigrade? That's minuscule. Wow. That's going to haunt my nightmares. Yep. So that's a good fact for you. Grimm is used to have four arms. Yes.

I mean, this is the most McDonald's heavy episode I think we've ever done. Without anybody actually being called McDonald. Ronald McDonald. We even, I can't believe that we even had Officer Big Mac involved in it. If you then told me that the leader of the civic council in Gary was called Mayor McCheese. Well, it's a little brown badge with the name Alistair on it. And it's got five gold stars on that badge.

Yes. Congratulations. Yes. You're off the chip counter. I'm moving on up, baby. To the Iron Brew Dispenser, because they have Iron Brew Dispensers in Scottish McDonald's. You play your cards right, you'll be manager of this franchise one day.

Thanks, James. We're still yet to be sued. Incredible, incredible that this hasn't registered on McDonald's radar. Now, looking at the list of highlights here, I've heard a lot of talk about this one, and I have no recollection of it. The Peddler of Swatham. I remember the Peddler of Swatham. I remember you getting lost near a Costa, But I do not remember anything about Big Pear.

Oh, they've wiped your memory. Have they? They've got to you. Am I a victim of Big Pear? Because I was, I, during the recording of the episode of the Peddler of Swatham, I express my distrust for the mealiness of the pear. Oh, I'm getting angry again now this is a familiar sensation yes and i think i think basically you were like oh the mealiness is a feature that's

one of the selling points the fact that the the inner stalk is the core is sort of just melted into the whole thing and you don't know when to stop like with an apple you know when to stop now a pear is like um a water balloon full of porridge with a twig in it it's delicious it could be a case of nominative determinism friend of the podcast nominative determinism i'd keep it a well away from that friend. That so-called friend. Why is that, James Shakespeare? No reason. Is it Shakespeare shaft, or is it Shakespeare shaft, do you think?

Shakespeare shaft. So you think it's Shakespeare shaft. It's the handle of a knife, axe, or spear. It's the same root as Shakespeare, and it is that of a pike man. It's not with Shakespeare. It's not he shakes a pier. No, that'd be absurd. The guy shook a spear.

Oh, he shakes a pear, wouldn't it? He shakes a pear. It's like, what are you, a lazy orchard worker? Climb the tree and pick them. Don't just shake them. He's just trying to get across his anger at the texture of a pear.

It's mealy mouthfeel oh i like a pair oh too mealy i once had a bad day turned around just by having a pair at the right moment what i was really really down and i just ate a pair it was just one of the best pairs i've ever eaten and all the all the joy it absorbed all of the sun's energy and all of the joy in the pair transferred directly to me hold on hold on have you been energy and all of the joy in the pair transferred directly to me hold on hold on have you been bought alistair are you in the pocket of big pair big pair yes yeah if it's if this is a sponsorship we have to say on the podcast this episode is brought to you by pair big pair the conference pair what's a conference pair i think it's like

a business pair a business pair that's the type of pair one conference pear? I think it's like a business pear. A business pear? That's the type of pear. One of the types of pear. It's the one with the sort of mucky coat. It looks like it's got mud on it sometimes. It's very matte finish. A pear is like a matte apple. I-M-H-O. You can

get some matte apples though, James. Mattes? There are matte apples. Now I want a jazz apple. if I'm having an apple. I want something that's out there, zinging. Like the jazz apple or the pink lady. One of the ones that has a sort of a Soho vibe to it. Yeah. Oh, Granny Smith.

She's a saucy granny. She's got bite. Keep your apples in the fridge for extra zing. Well, I don't want to be too thrilling, but I have quite sensitive teeth because of the acid in an apple. keep your apples in the fridge for extra zing well i don't want to be too thrilling but um i have quite sensitive teeth because of the acid in an apple i'm already taking a risk so if the apple is refrigerated it's just too much of a risk for me to say oh sorry am i infringing on your pear deal at the minute no i can't i mustn't uh talk kindly of. I just gum down a pear and it brightens my day.

I like pears. Gum down a soft pear. I was down at Appletown. You're listening to Appletown, the podcast where James and I discussed in extraordinary detail the different qualities of fruits. The orchard fruits. It's just apples and pears. If only there were a fun saying we could have used as the name of the podcast.

If only we had a Cockney on who was just baffled. I think this has been one of the most to-the-point intros we've ever done. Yeah. Proof of proof beneath me. Well, I stand by my defence of the delicious

fruit that is called pear. Yeah, you do, and you sort of whack it in your hand like a kosh. Whenever anyone starts. Plap, plap, plap. That's the sound it makes. Yeah, that's the sound of the conference pear. If I rotate it like a, like a, like a pestle and mortar, the slightly coarse surface grinds against my skin.

Gross. You're supposed to eat that. You're supposed to eat that you're supposed to eat that brown yes if you enjoyed the uh the peddler of swatham but there is also a field report from when i went to swatham uh to try and find the statue or the effigy of the peddler and was led a merry dance by the residents of swatham. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but they really played me like a pair of bagpipes.

Is it a pair of bagpipes? That was an unintentional pear pun. A big pear. Big pair of bagpipes. Squidge. Squidge. Yeah, of all the fruits, that's the one that's most like bagpipes to me.

Anyway. That's fair. We need to move on. You know, the next episode that is recommended as a highlight by the law folk is the next episode of the year. This is three for three so far. Wow. The first three proper episodes of the year.

It really went downhill after. Yes. How long can that go on for? We'll find out. But this next one is from Yorkshire Dragons. Yorkshire Dragons. Isn't that the one that was all about parking? Aye, I think it was one of those.

Yorkshire Dragons. Yeah. There was a bit of a Ruth L Tunkerfuffle. I think I had to make some. The Tunkerfuffle, yeah. Yeah. The great Tunkerfuffle of 2022. Now, laying my cards on the table, this is a Yorkshire folktale recorded, supposedly, from a Somerset stable by none other than Ruth Le Tongue.

Ruth Le Tongue. Yes. Who, as we discovered in a recent podcast, is not regarded as a particularly reliable source. And it's interesting that this story doesn't appear in the 1888 book of yorkshire dragons that i mentioned earlier um last time we took the tongue's name in vain there were repercussions we also got a really annoying review which i think is one of the tongues cohorts leaving. It was a three star and it said, and this is by no means a call to arms for a pile on. It's annoying. They bleep swears.

We're all grownups. If we weren't bleeping swears and you were listening to this while having your breakfast, that bit earlier would have made you put your spoon down and put your breakfast away. It's disgusting. Absolutely. I disgusting absolutely you don't i think the listeners don't know what he was kicked in it's awful or what happened or what happened after he was kicked in it yes although if they knew the first they might be able to deduce the second yeah to be honest yeah yeah yeah it's it is very much a cause and effect okay so this comes from the tongue but i have one reason why i think it is not an invention from the brain of ruth yeah i'll present that when the time comes well yeah that's

the thing i don't think i don't think anyone's saying that all her stuff was just completely made up it's just that she doesn't cite sources and and some of the stuff is just remembered from stories that she heard when she was a kid. Like, to be honest, we are very much in glass houses. I am very much in a glass house right now. You're not throwing stones, are you, James? I've got a whole bag of stones right here. Ooh! I don't know why. I just long to lob them, but I really mustn't.

I don't think people who live in any house should throw stones within their house, to be honest. Don't throw a stone in the house. Yeah. There's tellies, mirrors, pitch frames, other people. Sometimes you might have a vase on one of those stands that's just a stand for a vase. You never see one of those unless the vase falls off. That's brought back a real embarrassing memory of mine. Did you break a Ming vase as a child? No, I broke a little occasional table which was, it was no longer a table at any point after I was done with it. Temporary table would have been

more accurate if they had known what was coming. It looked like a stool. But it wasn't, it was a very delicate table. You sat on it as an overly large child. As a standard no, I was, I'm a two portion man, we all know this. As a beefy child. Not even a child, as a teen.

Oh, beefy teen shakeshaft comes in, sitting on your tables. Oh, no, I'm probably... Get out of here, you horrible giants! Chased to the hills. I bumped my head on the door on the way out. All the villagers getting pitchforks and flaming torches but fortunately

i could get away because of my long legs just loping off into the hills they've been given this table that was their legs were all sort of intertwined but all carved from one piece of wood but they were sort of carved in such a way that like you you had to carve it you couldn't make it so there was like they sort of went through each other kind of thing yeah and i just sat on it boom straight away get away nothing really to be honest it's a bad way of making a table yeah if it can't support the weight of a of a well-fed teen a minimum 12 stones 12 stone. What would that be in kilos for our European listeners? Or just straight up LBs. A 168 pound.

Teen. Lad. Tall teen. Yeah. Carried it well. Or a 76 kilo boy. I can see why you felt guilty about that. Thank you for sharing that story.

Yeah. Sorry. Thank you for Ruth L. Tonguing that vague childhood memory. I mean, it definitely happened because I don't regularly remember it. It's a Jenny Collier episode next. Yeah.

And again, the very next episode. We were just chucking up rocks. I don't. I'm starting to think this is unscientific, but I just don't believe that the best episodes of the year all happened in a row, starting with the first one i don't this isn't again this isn't in any sort of like hierarchy apart from chronology chronology chronology yep chronology but boy will we popular in winter it's that's i think when we're at our best, when it's cold outside. But this was a return of Jenny Collier because it was the Valentine's Day special.

Of course. The dream of Max and Vledig. I think it's Vledig, isn't it? Not Vledig. He said it in a German voice. I also do. There's also a sequel to this episode where I do the same pronunciation. So do, there's also a sequel to this episode where I do the same pronunciation.

The lad's garments were of pure black brocaded silk, frontlets of ruddy gold holding their hair in place, whereupon were sparkling jewels of great price rubies and gems. They're playing a board game and they're dressed up like that. It's like, it feels like Christmas Day, you know, when you've got your present, you've been given a present. And you're like, well, I better wear it. Yes.

And so they're like wearing all their Christmas jewels. They're wearing buskins of new Cadovan leather, which I don't know what that means, but it sounds like Freeman Hardy Willis of the 800 ADs. I looked it up. Cadovan leather is horse leather specifically from the bum. You can see what that is. It's horse bum leather.

You can see they re-badged it. They didn't call it HBL, horse bum leather. Got that new horse bum smell. Oh my God. That's what they were wearing on their feet with bands of red gold fastening them so they were like

the um medieval manolo balanics because they're famously red aren't they i don't know is that shoes oh look at me pretending to know about fashion because i once saw sex in the city jimmy choo so i just thought of a name of a fancy shoe man but it like we've got used to the fact that he makes shoes

and he's called Jimmy Choo I think he should make trains so in this fair fair hall beside a pillar he sees a hoary headed man in a chair of ivory with two gold

eagles there on fairly tasteful by comparison with the rest of the room well he's covered in bracelets and rings

and a golden diadem and a torch so he's wearing his Christmas Day jewellery as well he's just done the cracker though wearing his

Christmas Day jewellery has a little bit of an in his birthday suit kind of feel well. Wearing his Christmas Day jewellery has a little bit of an in-his-birthday-suit kind of feel. While he was wearing his Christmas Day jewellery. Do your robes up, King. We can see your Christmas Day jewellery.

Five gold rings. I should have said pimp gold rings. And what have we got here? Is this a live episode? Hold on, is this the next episode? Is this the next episode again? Bang! Next episode, 17th of February.

The Curse of the Silk Shoes. This was a... Not only was this live streamed, this was live lived. Yeah, the meaning of live. We lived it. In Leicester. Yes, the Leicester Comedy Festival, right?

The Comedy Leicester-val. To which we will be returning this very February 2023. 2023. I think I can see why the law folk voted for this one. Yeah? Yeah. It's the bit where they really helped us out because I couldn't remember that there would be

a law folk law- based word beginning with P when it came to scoring. And they reminded me of, obviously, pimp. Of course, there are a lot of plosives in this episode. Yes. Thank goodness for those pop shields. We have the category of plosives. Plosives. What if someone isn't as clued up on word terminology? What is a plosive sound, James?

A plosive sound. A plosive sound. It's a P. A plosive sound. It's a P or a B. That's about it, I think, isn't it? P, B. Yeah, it's one of the ones where you shoot plosive.

You shoot some air straight out of your mouth into a microphone, causing bassy problems. Yes, it's where you have sealed your lips, and then you release that seal in an explosion. We've got Pamps. We've got Pamps. We've got Papillon. Papillon, that's two.

We've got Len Beanie. Beanie. Beanie. Beanie and Pamps. Thomas Holford, no. Come on, Holford. We've got George Bosworth. Nice.

Who bequeathed the shoes. Yes. These bequeathed slippers. We've got all of these and no more. It's pende, which I think is the Greek word for five. Ah, yes. And it's the only P5 I could think of. Pimp.

Pimp. Pimp. Pimp. My God, pimp. Pimp. Pimp. Pimp. My God. Pimp. Of course. I'm so glad we've created an environment where someone can just say, with a questioning voice,

Pimp. And for everyone else to go, Yes! Of course. Pimp. And finally. Of course. And now, James. Yeah. and finally of course and now James

yeah this is going to shock the listener go on the next selection is from the very next episode of the year what

I sort of think maybe the the law folk just looked at a list of the episodes of the year yeah from January

and chose all of them they just went oh look look at the first six and then we'll tail off after that of the year. Yeah. From January and chose all of them. They just went, oh, look, look at the first six and then we'll tail off after that. So what, this is the sixth in a row?

Yes. Oh, it's a double hat trick. However, it was one of my episodes, so we'll accept it. Ooh. It was Talking Heads,

not the band. not the band. This was also live streamed. It was live streamed. And it featured an image which I was so taken aback by. Yep. It genuinely throws me off in the live stream that I can't, because I can't think of ways to describe it that is not actionable.

I deliberately made sure you didn't see it until the live stream. Because I thought I wanted to see the impact. Yeah! And then I really did see it. I was singing Christmas Carol in the style of the flesh tube.

What? Friendly. friendly ever so friendly the professor with a slight german accent he's actually from austria put his wonderful toy in motion it was not necessary to prove the absence of deception. One keyboard touched by the professor produced words which slowly and deliberately, in a hoarse, sepulchral voice, came from the mouth of the figure, as if from the depths of a tomb. It wanted little imagination to make the very few visitors believe that the figure contained an imprisoned human or half-human being bound to speak slowly when tormented by the unseen power outside. Oh no!

No one thought for a moment that they were being fooled by a second edition of the Invisible Girl Fraud. What was the Invisible Girl Fraud first edition? Well, there's a couple of frauds, and I wonder if listeners might have already been thinking of von Kempelen's automaton in a similar Turkish Middle Eastern dress who appeared to be able to play chess, but was actually a little person in a box controlling a puppet. That fooled everyone for a bit. The invisible girl was an orb suspended in the middle of the room, which could answer questions put to it by the audience. Oh. Essentially, it was a ventriloquism act. It was quickly exposed. But for a while, it had people taken in.

What's less famous is that von Kempelen also made a precursor to this very talking machine. So just on the chess thing, do you think when they sort of came up with that scam, they were like, we need to, it needs to play chess. That's part of the thing. Or was it like when you get a comedian that can play the guitar, they just start doing it just because they can do it anyway. I guess the guy in the box, he had to be good at chess.

Otherwise the whole thing didn't work. I'm really doing this to get exposure and to become a chess master, a grandmaster of chess. This is the only way in. You've got to have a gimmick. Von Kempelen, as well as making that fraud, also created a talking machine. What's remarkable is that this machine worked at all, and it has been reconstructed by YouTuber Fabian Brackhain. So let's listen to the sound of it now.

This is Von Kempelen's talking machine. Not expecting anything creepy. Whoa. I don't know if you can see, James, the words, I'm no ventriloquist, are appearing on the screen, reassuring you that... You don't need to with video editing. You just, you know, touch a wooden box

and then play over the sound of a sheep being kicked. It does, it really sounds like a duck. You'll see in a second why I haven't stopped what's happening, why I haven't intervened. Oh, he's tickled it. Oh, it's like that goat that shouted Frank that time. My favourite part of that video is the bit where the graphic says, but how does it work?

Rather than the more pertinent question, does it work? Is that speech or why, if you had to create like a creepy automaton, why would you have it say only the words mama and papa? Like it's being tortured into life. creepy automaton. Why would you have it say only the words mama and papa? Like, it's being tortured into life. Well, yeah, maybe he didn't have a choice. Maybe he made it and that is what

it said. Or, you saw how a baby works because you get a baby and they start off with mama and papa and then it kind of builds from there.

So maybe they hoped... He reasonably assumed that it would learn other words after that. Yeah. But it stayed forever in a revolting state of essentially a duck in a box. Oh, and that live stream, if you do check out the live stream,

which is archived on that YouTube. On YouTube. YouTube.com forward slash law men podcast. Neil Ion pops up the very same. Neil Ion. Neil Ion. No, it's Ion. Spelled I-R-O-N because he's made of metal in this episode.

No, it's I-O-N. Oh, because he was a metal head. In this episode he's made of metal. It's a pun. That's a good pun. He's currently the voice, when I read the cat in the hat to my children, Neil Ion is the voice of the fish oh yeah

yeah i do not like it he should not be here when your mother is out yeah it's a it's a real fun one to play with yeah the next highlight was the internet's own sean burke uh with hey um i think this the comment in the discord one of the highlights of this episode was irish farmer ham radio jerry seinfeld it's just a series of incoherent words yes irish farmer ham radio jerry seinfeld i've got a faint sense that that rings a bell but i don't remember what it was although you've also given us our best review of the podcast. It's just a string of incoherent words. Five stars, please. Who, by the way, has ever heard of badgers attacking sheep? Who, by the way, has ever heard of a badger attacking sheep?

It's a great question. I assume whatever's the Irish equivalent of LBC has people ringing in and asking questions like that all the time. Call in. Let us know. Have you seen a badger attack a sheep? Has anyone,

by the way, ever heard of a badger attacking a sheep? It's like Irish farmer Jerry Seinfeld. Has anybody actually seen a badger attack a sheep?

Come on. The way it's raised, it's so like, is that a rhetorical question, John? Are you genuinely asking? No, seriously. And like when he talks about them being careful climbers, I'm like, right. So they have all the correct equipment. They've got a harness. They've got a sheep down at the bottom holding on to their rope.

You know, they've thought of everything. Careful, such a lovely word. You can see him going past like like are you being careful in there nodding yes i know the area the sheep has also got the same voice as john madden and a 15 year old boy when he's saying have you ever heard of a badger attacking a sheep he's saying that that couldn't happen he's not been like quinn from jaws being like you ever seen a badger attack a sheep. He's saying that that couldn't happen. He's not being like Quinn from Jaws, being like, you ever seen a badger attack a sheep? He's not trying to scare you. The badger's eyes, black. Like a doll's eyes. You ever seen the head of a badger?

Striped like a zebra crossing. James, explosive, explosive news about that clip you just played. What? What you were listening to there was a fabrication. Hmm? Tissue of lies? It was indeed a tissue of lies.

It was a full handkerchief of untruths. Huh? I think I confessed, but only the people on the Patreon ever heard. So I guess I'd better put it in my own words. If you can. Unbeknownst to you. Me? I accidentally recorded the episode using the wrong microphone.

A classic lawmen error that we've made many times before. And I was very annoyed because it was 2-1 to you. You'd done it twice. Yep. I'd done it once. Yeah. And I was king of the podcast. And then I did it.

So I was really unhappy about your equaliser. So what I did, like a nerd, is I re-recorded my entire dialogue for the whole episode. What? Yeah. Have you? I don't think you'll notice. But when you come and listen to the extras,

nowhere am I re-recording my dialogue for the extras. No, no. So I'm going to sound like I'm in a well again. Down a well. So don't please people in the Patreon. Don't spoil the illusion that my banter is actually fake banter. So there you go. I wasn't even in that episode.

But so what did you... So you did that impression a second time? Yeah. Is the next episode the next episode again? Yeah. The Wells of St. Walston, Norfolk. Episode 102 of Series 3 dropped it dropped on the 31st of march that's my birthday is it yeah happy birthday thank you for then for then

yeah i didn't say that this was a live stream so we would have recorded it the previous week which is why i didn't say a word now i've I've been hearing a lot about David Lynch the cow, and I have no real memory of David Lynch the cow. Well... What was that? Is this the episode that Let the Cows Decide comes from? Yeah, so this was a live stream, and it somehow, once again, much like Christmas Pig,

I don't know how it happened, but the words Let the Cows Decide got involved, and they stuck around. Right. Yeah. And how is David Lynch involved? I think you, let's have a listen. Okay.

And final category. Thank you very much for the chat for this one. Let the cows decide. Sorry. Right. do you want to explain the category at all um chat wait no come here well the chat is just people shouting like the cows they're just saying it again you're just saying it again clearly you've created something james but i'm not sure maybe we should let the cows decide you know what it is everyone's saying let the cows decide in the twitch chat the the youtube chat has not yet succumbed in the youtube chat i can see at least one person

complimenting us on how much work we must put into the edits of these to take all this nonsense out but and to be fair normally people aren't just heckling with the words let the cows decide all right hold on hello listener at this point in the proceedings in a state of borderline delirium i combined some fake plastic cow's horns with model's own ginger hair to create a perfect facsimile of a highland cow while james entertained the listeners by reading from on the farm i spy with david bellamy if this isn't making sense, you can go to youtube.com forward slash lawmen podcast and watch the whole live stream. And it will still not really make sense for the purposes of the podcast. Here is how James reacted to my cow disguise.

There you go. Hello. Hello, James. It's me. I'm a Scottish cow. I've just popped in from the old outdoors there to... People are asking for me to add in David Lynch to the accent. Hello, James. It's me, David Lynch, also a cow. Just popped in to do the scores for this category. David Lynch, cow. Yes.

What? Are you a form of Highland cattle? Yes. I'll feel this one, David. I'm a Highland cow, because I've got ginger hair. You've got long hair and long horns. That's a score of 25 from Bellamy. From David Bellamy's On the Farm, I Spy on the Farm book.

James, I think it was a strong entry, and it's 5 out of 5 for me. Thank you. David, are you in agreement? Yes! I agree! It's a solid five out of five. And what do you think, South African cow? It's a five out of five for Let the Cows Decide. Nice one, the cows.

We're jumping ahead now to May. Yes. So we did some bad episodes. A few episodes. Just a bit of filler there. And then this is actually the last episode of Series 3. It was a good one. I could tell you'd put a lot of effort into researching it.

I read a book, not a booklet. Not a pamphlet. No, a pamph. Yeah. How many times do you think we've said that joke? Because I'm pretty certain we said that joke in Series 1. Yes. Yeah, yeah pamph. Yeah. How many times do you think we've said that joke? Because I'm pretty certain we said that joke in series one. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd say, well, depending on the amount of episodes per series, probably about four times a series. I can't believe you wrote a whole pamph. It's a big pamph action. William Adams, the first Englishman in Japan. They killed all those penguins. They killed way too many penguins. It was awful.

Only the other day uh one of my children asked me if people ate penguins and i said ah no i imagine they taste disgusting and then it was you know when you got a little itch in your mind of like there's a why is it people eating penguins ring a bell and it was like oh but there was this time when the sailors ate like a thousand. The end of March, they'd reached Argentina. It took them three months to get across. And they wanted to drop anchor immediately, but the wind was going in the right direction for them. So they pushed on to the Straits of Magallan.

Now, these are a pretty... There at the very tip, there's like a bunch of islands off the very tip of Magallan. Now, these are a pretty... There, at the very tip, there's like a bunch of islands off the very tip of South America, and there's a way through, but it's quite hard to find. And they managed to get through, and then they saw an island full of penguins,

which, according to Adams, he gives them some context, penguins, which are fowls greater than a duck. There you go. Okay. I don't hold that much hope for the penguins in this story no um i think they're gonna eat those penguins they within minutes they'd club to death more than 1400 of them i don't know why i'm laughing at that i think it's that they managed it within minutes 1400 yeah you've got that's more penguins

i know you were hungry yes sometimes when you shouldn't shop when you're hungry you shouldn't club penguins when you've got scurvy yeah you should club up penguin eat a penguin then see how you feel give it 20 minutes yeah 1400 penguins the image there is a there's a um 1400 image of it and it sort of shows in the foreground a penguin looking morosely off into the distance and in the background there's sailors just

smashing penguins to pieces. A single sad penguin. Well, that is a really sad story of loads of penguins dying. It was winter now down there. One of the ships

lost their anchor when the cable snapped in a storm. A thick sea mist descending on the fleet and that slowed them down. They were basically trapped in what one of the crew members, DeVit, wrote as a perpetual stormy winter. And he just wrote a list of grievances.

Rain, wind, snow, hail, hunger, losses of anchors, spoils of ship and tackling, sickness, death, hail, hunger, losses of anchors, spoils of ship and tackling, sickness, death, want of store and store of wants conspired to fullness of miseries. Well, you only lost one anchor, so stop exaggerating. Losses of anchor. I like that want of store and store of wants. That's good. Yeah, yeah, a gift.

Yeah, a gift for the gripe. I'd like to hear this guy writing into Anne Robinson's watchdog in the 90s. Round these parts, the locals didn't like visitors very much. A group rode out to their fleet and they just threw rocks at the boat, shouted abuse and rode away again. Good.

So they rode out, threw rocks at the man. Did they speak the language? How do we know we weren't saying, welcome, here are some rocks for you. I hope you like the man. Do they speak the language? How do we know we weren't saying, welcome, here are some rocks for you. I hope you like the rocks. This is my favourite rock. Here,

free rocks. Unsurprisingly, morale was at a low. So, this is worse than the earlier bit where like 16 guys died.

Wow. Simon the Chords tried to raise morale with a little pageantry. He like made a club, made his captains knights of this guild, and he called it the Order of the Furious Lions.

This sounds so annoying. No, this is like the No Monster Club. Not all your problems can be solved by forming a club. They rode ashore with like trumpets going off and they put a big pillar up and they put a plaque with the names of all the knights on it at the bottom and he ordered that the dead be buried at the foot of the pillar.

You know, light stuff. Yeah, light-hearted fun, yeah. And then they went back to the boat, really chuffed with themselves and then the locals smashed the monument to pieces, dug up the corpses and pulled them to pieces

in front of them. And apparently the body of Simon de Kornsbouw was particularly badly mutilated. They pulled his willy off. That was our first two parter is that the end of part one of

the almanac yes and much like series much like the series three that we've been recapping so far

let's end on a cliffhanger yeah alright what's going to be next more great episodes with a single bound James Fakeshaft was free. That was the classic way they used to resolve cliffhangers.

By jumping? In Pulp Fiction. No, because they'd always end up with the guy tied up next to TNT. And they'd be like, how's he going to get out of this situation? And then the cliche is, in the start of the next episode, rather than resolving it, they would just say, in a single bound, he was free. He just did.

Yeah, he just did. How did he get free? He just did. In a single bound. Oh, a single bound? Not multiple bounds? Across a series of multiple bounds, he was free. All right.

Well, we'll see you next week. Christmas pig in the meantime. Christmas pig. See you next week for for some more great just bits of us being great jesus christ i don't know what song starts like that but um that's why i imagine that thing saying