Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep31: Loremen S4 Ep31 - The Wold Rangers with Amy Gledhill

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

Beloved semi-sausage Amy Gledhill returns to the pod to meet the Wold Rangers of Yorkshire's East Riding. The wold's green lanes were once famous for Snaffling Jock, Mushroom Charlie, Slapface Ned and more strange, unique characters: nomadic gentlefolk around whom legends grew. We run into a locked-barn mystery and encounter the haunted skull of Poor Sister Anne. Don't throw it in manure! She hates that. If you live near Driffield, visit the Wold Rangers Way! This episode was edited by Mark Chatterley of In Ear Production. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shake Shaft. And James, are you ready for an episode with a guest deputy law person? Yeah, I'm blooming up, actually. Are you ready for partial delightful sausage, partially delightful sausage, Amy Gledhill? Are you ready? Yeah.

Gird whatever needs to be girded, because it's about to happen. I'm taking you to the East Riding of Yorkshire. It's got many ridings, and this is the easternmost. The easterly. The most easterly riding. What is a riding? No time for that now. It's got many ridings and this is the eastern most. The easterly. The most easterly riding. What is it riding? No time for that now, it's the intro. This is the story of the Wold Rangers.

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James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James James and James-I'm a deputy law person, so I'm just going to open the box, just whip it up, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to open the box, and I'm going to. I don't want you to get overexcited, because I know you seem to, and we've got a deputy law person. So I'm just going to open the box, just whip it open, like taking off a plaster, band-aid to Americans.

It's Amy Gledhill. What? Yes. I just thought it would be me. You seem as surprised as anyone. I'm delighted, because I thought you were too good for us by now, frankly, because things are going very well for you, Amy. Oh, that's nice.

I'm thinking at the Edinburgh Fringe last year, you were double nominated for your solo show and for The Delightful Sausage. That's a double nom. That's fact. That's fact. That's fact. That's just a fact that's happened. The listener may not know, it's very hard to get nommed at all. Most people don't get nommed, never mind double nommed.

And the other thing that makes, I think, you special, Amy, is the double act you do with Chris, because it's very rare for there to be a double act where one person is both the brains and the good looks. I know, and Chris let me join him. He's so kind of him to do that. I was, of course, implying that Amy was the tantrum. No, it's not important.

It's not important. This is Christopher Cantrell of Treybake fame. Yes. The Treybake Count. I think he's best known for talking about a particular dessert on an obscure folklore podcast. That's what I know him from. So today, I would like to take both of you to Amy's old stomping ground, which is East Yorkshire. Yes, please.

Is that right, Amy? You're from East Yorkshire. Absolutely correct. Yeah. Specifically, the, well, is it the Yorkshire Wold or the Yorkshire Wolds? Is there more than one Wold or is it just the Wold? Hmm. The, hmm.

We did chat Wolds before and I pointed out the existence of the Cotswolds being types of hills. Right. I don't know if that bears any relevance. Well, basically, we're talking Wet Wang. We're talking really high. Yes. Yes.

We're in prime Gled Hill country. And I would like to introduce you to a range of characters known under the sublique The Wold Rangers. Wow. I've never heard of The Wold Rangers. I've never heard of The Wold Rangers. I told James I was going to do a podcast about The Wold Rangers, and I think your mind went immediately in the direction of Megazords. Yeah, go, go, Wold Rangers.

No, New East Riding Wold Rangers. No, New East Riding World Rangers. What? Yes. Heart. Acid. What? All the different, I don't know if they're sort of got, they'd have like the five elements of Yorkshire.

Yeah. Did you say acid? I said acid for some reason. I can't really remember Captain Planet. I don't think there's any. Whippets. Flat caps. Yeah. St don't think there's any. Whippets. Flat caps. Yeah.

Stereotypes. Yorkshire pudding. Puddings. Yeah. So from the mid-19th century, the Woldrangers were, well, it depends who you ask. According to Driffield's Town Council and basically 20th century sources, they were like the nomads of Yorkshire's East Riding. Driffield Town Council describes the Woldrangers as

a nomadic tribe of gentlefolk of yesteryear who trod the ancient green lanes and bridle paths of the spectacular Yorkshire wolds. So they're either kind of happy hobos, kind of noble sons of the soil, or, if you read 19th century accounts, murderers. So there's sort of two different opinions about what they were. I think we're kind of in the area of the fraternity of vagabonds. Are they mutually exclusive, though? Being a murderer and being a happy hobo.

Some murderers must be happy. Oh, I've never thought about a happy murderer before. Thanks for introducing my brain to that concept. Good for them. It's crucial to say that these were real people. And basically what happened was the Industrial Revolution, to summarise quite a lot, and there were fewer jobs in the countryside.

And so there wasn't enough labour to go around on a farm. And so Yorkshire was full of people who basically went from farm to farm, doing work, sleeping in barns, without having a home, without having a full-time job. And this was characterised as sort of a quaint and fun thing that they really enjoyed. And I don't know how true that was. What I do know, though, is that they had some incredible nicknames. So basically, just to save time, I'm going to take my five points for names

now. Okay. As I read you a list of their nicknames. You're halfway there with the Go-Go World Rangers. Yep. Do-do-do-do-do-do. So what I've done is, the names are so good, I've included three names in this long list of names that are

not real, that I have invented. Oh. So just to make it fun, I'm going to pit you against each other, James and Amy. Can you spot which you think are not actual names of real individual world rangers? Mm-hmm. Ready?

Yeah. Okay. Do we have to guess as we go along, or do we guess at the end? I think you can guess at the end, but feel free to chip in if you want to remember one. Okay. Mm-hmm.

Snaffling Jock. Hmm. Mushroom Charlie. Hmm. Slapface Ned. Methylated Annie. Mucky Lena. Come on.

Some possible characters for you to play, Amy. What are you saying? I just think that's within Amy's, within her range, I think. She could be a mucky linner. Tin Whistle Joe. Three-Fingered Jimmy.

Famous for his short temper. Quinitin Tarantino. Staffordshire Bill. Soldier Tom. Cloggy Sam. Simon Pepperami. Stamp. Tom Fraud. Slenderman, Long Charlie, Spanish Prince,

Mr. Soft, Ginger Joe, Horse Hair Jack, Mad Halifax, Dog Geordie, Kroom Mabel, and Ben Wilson. Who I assume had a nickname, but for some reason wasn't noted down. And so his name has been given. Who I assume had a nickname, but for some reason wasn't noted down. And so his name has been given. His real name was like, you know, like Hydrochloric Phil. So what do you think? Did any of those strike you? Only three of them you made up.

Only three of those I made up. The one that mentions pepper army has got to be made up. Okay. Yeah. All right. Pepper army. To be fair, the last of the World Rangers died in the 90s. So it is conceivable. Oh, wow. But they heard of, indeed all right pepper army to be fair the last of the world rangers died in the 90s so it is conceivable but they heard of indeed ate a pepper army but oh yeah you were right simon

pepper army was not a real nickname i made that up i'm i'm sad if it's right but is it quinn quinn it's in tarantino all right quinn it's in tarantino quinn it's in tarantino, Quintin Tarantino. Yeah, no, that is... I added that one into the list. But there's about five that I'd pegged as absolutely made up. Now it's difficult. I'm pretty sure... I want to put half of my pot on Mr. Soft. But... Oh, Mr. Soft.

Why do you want to put the other half of your pot um i think i think methylated alice was she called methylated annie methylated out no that might be true because she might have been on the meths can Can I ask, there was a Jimmy in there. What was Jimmy's name? Three-Fingered Jimmy. Three-Fingered Jimmy. I think it could be that one because I think it's under the radar enough where if you were making one up and sleeping it under, you wouldn't call it like, big, massive, crazy taste, Karen.

You'd be like oh three finger Jimmy maybe it's too subtle and also maybe it was in tribute to your fellow host James Shapeshift in which case I'm taking that half of my pot off Mr Soft

sorry Mr Soft I'm going to put my full pot on Ginger Joe on Ginger Joe on Ginger Joe because he's from a viral video from about 10 years ago well so is

Slender Man but you've ignored Slender Man completely oh the Slender Man Slender Man I know I think that one's

I think that is true because I think that would be too obvious to put in as a trick unlike

Quentin Tarantino and Simon Pepper Army I think I think Amy thinks I'm a lot more cunning than I am used to put in as a trick. Unlike Quintet in Tarantino. And Sam in Pepper Army. I think Amy thinks I'm a lot more cunning than I am. It's just going to be Ben Wilson and he couldn't be bothered. Yeah, he's just an IT guy, Ben Wilson. Shall I tell you? Yeah, go on.

James, is that pot definitely off Mr. Soft? Off Mr. Soft, fully on Ginger Joe. Okay, well, it was Mr. Soft, Mr. Soft fully on Ginger Joe okay well it was Mr. Soft obviously that's a character from a mint advert I couldn't have yeah but Ginger Joe's a character from a

viral video yeah but your boy in the corner Ginger Joe tell him man yeah man yeah man well I've never seen

that video Ginger Joe let me tell you got off the bus with my day saver smoked a reefer in the car now laid low did a grand theft auto.

What? Mr. Soft. How come everything around you is so strange? He was a very soft mint. He was a very soft mint. He was a soft mint. Ginger Joe was a man with an air of authority,

piercing blue eyes, a hawk-like nose, and a flaming ginger beard. Whoa. The Wold Rangers these days are a group of people who have set up trails you can take throughout the Yorkshire Wolds and they've named them after different Wold Rangers. Wow.

You can go on their website and they've done loads of research into the individuals. So you can see drawings by... Methylated Annie. I bet they're scary. They're frightening. They're frightening. They're done in biro and she's basically

coloured a whole sheet of A4 paper in the spiderwebs. Their research is based on Angela Antrim who interviewed loads of them and drew beautiful illustrations of them

so you can see drawings of several of these characters from the 80s. You know, the last surviving world rangers. They must have been very hard. When King George V visited Driffields,

Ginger Joe refused to shift out of the way, sitting on his favourite spot in town. And so, according to their website, the hapless vicar was forced to conduct the service of commemoration as the King of the Wold's Green Lanes and the King and Queen of England stared each other out.

Ooh. What a character. Ooh. I can't imagine. This character sounds completely made up. The look of him you've described and the contempt he has for the crown. I can't imagine.

I've described exactly me, James. I don't know if you realise what you're saying, but he looks exactly and sounds exactly like me. Air of authority, piercing blue eyes. I'm not always accompanied by a dog and a chicken who I keep tied to my leg, which Ginger Joe did. One on each? The dog was his best friend, the chicken... Worst enemy.

Worst enemy! Because if you've got to tie a chicken to you by a string, that's not your chicken, is it? Set it free, Ginger Joe. Were they on each leg and that sort of helped his movement around? He skied, basically. A very lopsided skier.

Like an old school version of a power boot. But one of them with the strength of a dog and one with the strength of a chicken. But the chicken running away from a dog. Oh. And a dog chasing, but then it's a dog chasing after a chicken. What a nightmare. This sounds like a nightmare. I'm not sure how nice tramping the wolds of Yorkshire was.

So in looking up these names, I'll give the references for where some of these names come from in a bit. But one of them, Staffordshire Bill. Staffordshire Bill, surname Terrier. If you search Staffordshire Bill, it thinks you mean a Staffordshire Bull Terrier. Google cannot find anything about this guy. This is just his obituary. It says, Staffordshire Bill, this is from 1930. A well-known Yorkshire Walled Ranger has died

in the poor law institution at Driffield, age 78. And that was printed in the North China Herald in 1930. An English language Chinese newspaper reported on the death of, quote, a well-known Yorkshire Walled Ranger. He's so well-known that, as I've said, Google thinks he's a dog. I can't find any more information. I can find no more information about this. There's one other guy called Stafford Jabil, who's a different guy. He lives in Wales. But he was famous enough that he got an obituary in a forest.

It's like if a Chinese homeless man died and the Yorkshire Post were like, well, that's it. You can see him with a name. a famous homeless chinese man has died oh my god beijing pete did he get big in china though like was he like sort of an 80s pop star that's propped up by having a random sing did he have a single what were the lives of the world rangers like damn well mostly the Well, mostly the sort of manual labour. In Yorkshire Curiosities by W.R. Richards, 1994, Irene Meginson recalls, and she was talking in 1977, that around Christmas time, this is going to be a quaint little story,

around Christmas it was not unknown for the rangers to commit some small crime, such as stealing a bike, in order to be given a short prison sentence sentence they would thus be fed and had a roof over their heads until the days became lighter and warmer in the spring that's tragic it's really sad a similar account from uh curious old tales of east yorkshire by howard peach brings Sir Tatton Sykes, who is not a world ranger. He's an aristocrat of Sledmere Hall. Now, he was apparently the best friend of the world rangers. Not the best friend in sort of removing

the structural barriers to their integration into society or supporting them in their chosen lifestyles. He was more a sort of would occasionally give them a sandwich kind of a... He had a bell fixed on his back door so that if they needed tea and sandwiches, they could come and ring and he would come and give them a sandwich kind of a he had a bell fixed on his back door so that they could if they needed tea and sandwiches they could come and ring and he would come and give them a tea and sandwiches and that continued right right down to um to his descendant sir mark to give him his full name sir tatton benvenuto mark sykes benvenuto means welcome

it's not a name you can give a child. According to Howard Peach's book, a policeman, seeing two rangers behaving suspiciously near the house, arrested them. During the unseemly scuffle, Sir Mark emerged, riding Croft under his arm and remonstrated with the officer, How dare you, constable? These gentlemen are my guests. Nice one.

And he, to give you a little bit of context, is the father of Angela Antrim, the artist who interviewed them all and drew pictures. Wow. Which might have something to do with her family's reputation as being friends to the common man. Yeah, definitely. Just a generally great bloke with a bell for free sandwiches. Unless it was Christmas Eve and he just basically ruined their Christmas.

Absolutely ruined their plan to get arrested for Christmas. It's so sad. So I've got a couple of stories for you pertaining to the Wild Rangers. One of them is almost a locked room mystery. And the other one is a bona fide ghost story. Emphasis on the bona. No, that sounds... Whoa.

I didn't think the sentence through before saying it. In 1996, the Times, the Times of London, ran a piece, an on-this-day piece, about a crime that occurred in 1864. And that crime was burning down a barn. Big, big deal in rural communities, Amy. I mean, you're from Hull, so you must know how that would affect people. I've burnt down a fair share of barns myself. Yes. I haven't.

Well, I just don't know why somebody who hadn't burnt down a barn would say that they had. Panicked. Trying to join in. Oh, burn, barn burning oh yeah big time so this story is about snaffling jock oh quote a notorious world ranger a ticket of leave man which i think means basically on bail for another crime i think that's what a ticket of leave is like you can leave the jail, but keep your nose clean. Don't, for instance, burn down a barn destroying corn

to the value of £1,200. And that's in 1864 money. So who knows how much corn that would be these days. No one can. There's no way of telling. And this account comes from Sergeant James Thompson of the Detective Department, Scotland Yard, which sounds like if you were asked what department

you worked in at the Scotland Yard and you didn't work there and you had to lie. And you're like, uh, Detective Department? My name, my name is the name of the policeman from Tintin. And my first name is a euphemism for Willie.

Slendererman. Slenderman also features in this story. In fact, Slenderman and Ben Wilson, they were sort of a double act, were sidekicks to Snaffling Jock in this particular escapade. So I'm going to give you the copper's version of it, and then maybe it's up to you to decide whether you think we can trust the fuzz on this one. So the plan was, they had heard that a local farmer, Mr. Stavely, had 200 pounds in his house. Again, loads of money.

It was 1864. That's a lot of money. So they came up with a brilliant plan. Snaffling Jock would set fire to one of his barns. they came up with a brilliant plan. Snaffling Jock would set fire to one of his barns, and while everyone comes out of the house to put out the fire, they, Slenderman and Ben Wilson, would go into

the house and rob the house. But they weren't just going to do it that obviously. They came up with a brilliant alibi. Snaffling Jock was to go to a different farm and ask to sleep in the barn, and then ask to be locked inside the barn. Unbeknownst to

everyone, it was possible to escape from that barn without unlocking the door, so he would slip out in the night. Because it's a barn. Because it's a barn. Yeah, because it's a barn. There are gaps between the slats. The point is he was locked. It's a locked barn mystery, James. A hole in the roof.

He would slip out in the night, start the fire in thring, and then return to the barn, thereby providing him with an alibi. What about the other lads? And this is where the plan goes wrong. They don't have an alibi. Right. So that is a lot of work to go to, to only alibi one third of the team.

Yeah. So they could have just set fire to the barn and not bothered with any of that. But they didn't even rob the house in the end, because while the barn was burning, they overheard that he'd popped to the bank and deposited all his money in the bank. So he only had about 20 quid in the house, which was not enough to be worth it. So they didn't bother robbing the house. Oh. And eventually, Snaffling Jock was apprehended. And Detective Thompson worked out that it was possible to escape from the barn and do the journey in that time.

Because of the slats. And I put it to you that what happened was a barn burned down and he arrested a man who was in a different place with no evidence whatsoever, except for the fact that it is possible to walk between those two locations. Because the two guys who were supposedly planning to rob the farmhouse didn't come up with an alibi for themselves and weren't caught. So we don't know that they found out that the money actually wasn't in the house and so decided not to rob it. This is pure speculation. All that happened was a barn burned down and a Waldranger was there.

It does sound odd that that was a topic of conversation when trying to put the barn out. Yeah, oh, the barn's on fire. I have been to the bank earlier today and deposited £180. Actually, it may have been more than that. I think it was £400 he had. But anyway, if I were engaged in a barn burning decoy situation, I wouldn't be hanging around near the barn that was burning. No.

No. Because that's kind of a giveaway, isn't it? I don't think anyone involved in this is a master criminal. Which I think means that they must be innocent because he was, because why would you come up with a ridiculous alibi that doesn't even work? If you, and I think he was just in the barn. Maybe it's the farmer, the guy who owns the barn. Insurance job.

Maybe it's an insurance job. Yeah. Pin it all on Snaffling Jock. Yeah, he didn't like Snaffling Jock. Maybe Snaffling Jock had a bit of a twinkle in his eye and he was after the farmer's wife and he was like, I'm going to get him done for something. So he burns down his barn, oldest trick in the book,

and he's like, Snaffling Jock did it. And they're like, no, he was locked in another barn, actually. He does have an alibi and he goes, yeah, but that barn doesn't have a roof or sides. It's just a door. Amy, are you telling us your story here? You definitely didn't burn down that barn because you were locked in a different barn at the time.

Couldn't possibly. I couldn't possibly have done that. I just think it's got to be hard to get a fair trial when your name is Snaffling Jock, considering snaffling means stealing. I think that's a bit of... His real name was... Arson Ken.

John Sturwood was his real name. John Sturwood. That's a lovely name. That's such a strong name. John Sturwood. Oof. And then Snaffling Jock. Yeah.

Well, if you didn't think Snaffling Jock was nasty, there's definitely a nasty world ranger in my final tale. Oh. Can we guess who? It's an unnamed world ranger. Oh. Oh. It's the story of poor Sister Anne.

Oh. Also known It's the story of poor Sister Anne. Oh. Also known as Old Nance. O-W-D Nance, according to Law of the Land. Although I can't say Old Nance in a Yorkshire accent. Old Nance. I can only say it in a company accent. Old Nance. With a W, though, instead of an L.

Old. It's written Old, but that counts as Old Nance. Old Nance. Old Nance. You could maybe do it in a Midlands. Old Nance. Is that old Nance? Is that old Nance over there?

That was going to be a Midlands accent. That was, wow. Yeah. That's the poshest guy in the Midlands. I'm just trying to fit in. I never touched that barn. So poor Sister Anne was out and about on the wolds, and she was accosted by some ruffians, some footpads,

some wold rangers who asked to see inside her purse. You know, they wanted her cash. Unfortunately, in taking her gloves off in order to unravel her purse, they saw a family heirloom, a ring that she was wearing that was very valuable. And one of them, overcome with greed, whopped her on the head with a cudgel. And she fell down, not quite dead, not yet. But they robbed her and left her there in the road. She was taken to Harpham Hall and eventually back to her home at Burton Agnes Hall.

And five days later, she died. But not before she said something flipping weird. She spoke to her many sisters and she implored them. She begged them that after she died, they were to sever her head from her body and keep it in the house. She did not want her head to leave the house, but was happy for the rest of her body to live. Never, she implored, let it be removed. No, wait, she's from Yorkshire. Never, she implored, let it be removed and make this my last wish,

known to any who may come into ownership, and let those of future generations know that if my design be not fulfilled, my spirit shall... And it goes over the page there, and I don't know what she said next. I screenshotted it, and I don't know, but I think it was bad. My spirit shall probably be... Reet Mardy.

Something some Yorkshire is in front of. Not be chill, reet that. And that's from Charles Harper's Haunted Houses 1907 I've got that book good book great book

the story's picked up by Yorkshire Ghosts by W.R. Mitchell 1977 basically she died and her sister's because she kept going on about

oh don't don't let my head go out of the house they were all like yeah fine whatever of course she died and then they went

we're not doing that head thing, are we? Like, no, because she had had a head injury. So no, we're not going to do the beheading request. And they interred her in the family tomb. And oh, that was a mistake. Let me tell you. All kinds of problems, voices, noises, accidents occurred. They went to see the vicar and the vicar said,

I think you're going to have to whap the old head off. You're going to have to do a post-mortem beheading of your own sister. Decapitation of your own sister. Well, that's what they thought. They went to the tomb. They went to the chapel. They disinterred her body. James, Amy.

I know it's been quite lighthearted up until now. James' kids have just arrived in the background. This is too gruesome for me to say in front of their little faces. They can't hear. They can't hear. They found that her body had not decayed at all. Her body was pristine, untouched. But her head had completely rotted away and severed itself from her body

and was already a grinning skull. Oh, my God. That's nasty. So, very convenient. They picked the skull up, took it straight home. Problem solved. Although a couple of people inevitably, it's not quite a screaming skull because it doesn't scream, but it

becomes pretty much your standard screaming skull situation. People occasionally try to remove it from the house and always quickly regret it. According to W.R. Mitchell's Yorkshire Ghosts, peace followed the return of the head to the hall except on two occasions when the

head was removed from the building. A servant girl threw it from a window onto a pile of manure in a passing cart. This again. Which seems to be adding insult to injury. Yeah, that's not cool. I bet it, despite the fact it was grinning, it got a mouthful, spat it out and went, what was the accent again? Yorkshire.

I hate manure. I hate manure. A sentence no one from Yorkshire has ever said. I hate manure. I don't know A sentence no one from Yorkshire has ever said. I hate manure. I don't know how I feel about this, guys. That's if Chris said it. I hate manure. I hate manure.

I hate manure. Amy, I hate manure. Another birthday ruined. Then a member of the Boynton family Who had married a Strickland daughter These are people who have inherited Strickland! Strickland, also from Back to the Future I thought you'd appreciate that

Thank you They buried the skull in the garden There was an endless moaning, wailing and crying Until it was restored The skull was first kept on a table in the Great Saloon Great Which is a room, I assume And then later bricked up in a wall.

And like I told you, the last of the World Rangers were Dog Geordie and Kroom Mabel. And she died on the 8th of March in 1990. She was famous for a pram piled high with clothes and a gold lame dress. And her headstone reads, Mary Murray, last of the World Rangers. What was her superhero name? Kroom Mabel. Like broom with a C. Kroom Mabel. And those are my tales of the Walled Rangers.

What was Dog Geordie's power? Let me check. Was he tied to that guy's leg? Or was it one that was you? Ginger Joe. Was he tied to Ginger Joe's leg, Dog Geordie? Dog Geordie was famous for visiting the Spike. Different dog.

Or, to put it another way, the workhouses of Driffield, Moulton and York, according to World Rangers Way. For a bit of respite in the winter months, they say. As if it's like a spa. It's like when new parents go back to work for a rest. And they're like, oh, thank God, this is an absolute joy. Wow. Well, do you know what?

I'd never heard of the World Rangers, and now I can feel a new fascination happening in my neural pathways. This is it. This has changed my life. So would you care to pass judgment? You in your comfy London homes, or Oxfordshire homes in your case, James, would you like to pass judgment? You in your comfy London homes, or Oxfordshire homes in your case, James, would you like to pass judgment? By Oxfordshire Ivory Tower, yes.

Yeah. Do you feel that you're qualified to judge these people who lived, who really lived? They weren't like you, James, sitting in front of the computer, tapping away at the keyboard. They weren't like you, Amy, sitting in front of the computer, tapping away at the keyboard. They weren't like you, Amy, doing whatever it is you do during the day. Burning barns.

I mean, other stuff. No, they were quite like you, actually, Amy. They were just exactly like you. Very qualified to judge that, yeah. So that's why we needed Amy here, to make it acceptable. Unfortunately, I have already judged Dog Geordie. Yeah, but you've been thinking of him more as sort of like a dog with a Geordie accent rather than as a fully rounded man.

Oh, that'd be so cool. Woof! It's actually very hard to say woof in a Geordie accent. Woof! Woof? Woof! My first category that I would like you to score the Wild Rangers in is names. All right, all right.

Snapper Jock, Mushroom Charlie, Slapped Face Ned, Methylated Annie, Mucky Lena, Slender Man. I do just want to hear them again. Yeah. Three Finger Jimmy, Cut Lip Jack, Not Quentin Tarantino, Staffordshire Bill, Soldier Tom, Cloggy Sam, Stamp, Tom Frods, Slender Man, Long Charlie, Spanish Prince. They sound like horses.

Ginger Joe, Horsehair Jack. That sounds like a horse, the horsehair one. Mad Halifax, Dog Geordie, Crew Mabel, and your favourite and mine, Ben Wilson. That was made up. So what are you giving me for names? Come on. It's out of five, right? A million out of five.

It's out of five. There's a guy called Sir Tattatan Benvenuto Mark Sykes. That's like being called James Vilcommon Shakespeare. It doesn't make any sense. No. Maybe he was named after where he was conceived, and it was at an airport lobby. His actual full name is Satatan Benvenuto Multifaith Prayer Room Mark Sykes

Yeah, you've smashed it on names, right? Absolutely, five out of five I think I have, come on It's as many fingers as Jimmy should have had It's got to be five It would be crazy to even suggest a four Good, I'd go all Mad Halle Facts on you You'd lose respect for me.

I'd lose respect for you. We'd all have worse lives. Do you respect us, Amy? Well, I think I spoke too soon. We're probably going to have to shorten the pause a little bit in the edit. Yeah, no, of course. I do respect you.

I just feel like, because it's obvious that Chris doesn't respect us. That's what we'll do. We'll just cut it straight to yes, of course. I do respect you. I just feel like, because it's obvious that Chris doesn't respect us. That's what we'll do. We'll just cut it straight to yes, of course. Yes, of course. Without any of the prevaricating. I do respect you. My second category is supernatural.

Okay, now come on. No, but there's, okay, I admit there's only one ghost story in it. Yeah. I think it's actually quite frightening. Her head rotted away in no time at all. Her body was fine. Her skull rotted away. You were being distracted when I was telling this, James.

There was all stuff happening in the background of the shot. So I know that the spookiness didn't properly seep in. Yes, but she'd been hit on that head and maybe it was a sort of a side effect of the bruise. That it separated her whole head from her body and it all rotted away so she was a skull. No, that's magic. If something turns into a skeleton, it's not held together. So it would fall off just naturally.

Right, okay. There's no connective tissue. What about the neck bone? They're all separate. They're like four different guys. Four different guys? Four different guys. The neck bone.

Working together, holding the head up. Four different guys. I bow to your medical knowledge, James, that the spine is four different guys. Just the top of the spine. Okay. I love the way you've made them like a soul group. Where's from the musical?

Exploring my body. It's not going to do very well. Decomp. Decomposition. That would be nice. Okay, but still, the body being preserved and the head rotting away. Yeah, that's pretty weird.

Then the skull absolutely messing things up. If anybody goes against her wishes. Her ghost is seen, by the way. Her ghost continues to haunt the place. The ghost haunts Nance. Okay, then. So, like, she's bonafide a ghost and she's not actually a screaming skull, but a quietly fuming skull, which I think is more Yorkshire to keep the anger inside.

Yeah, push it down. Push it down, Sister Anne. But she can't because she's got no neck. So she's just shooting out of the bottom of her skull. She's just falling out. Oh, poor Anne. I think the story is phenomenal, right? Thank you.

I'm not disputing that. I would say perhaps the link to the Wold Rangers is slightly tenuous because it's like, oh yeah, they bashed her, we think. And there's a ring where the ring didn't sort of go anywhere really. Well, they stole it. Yeah, but I don't know. You want the ring to come back in a finale. You want it all to tie back up in a finale where one of them chokes on the ring

while trying to eat a piece of old fish. Maybe. Is that what you want, Amy? Well, then that happened, maybe. Maybe that happened. We don't know. Or Jimmy Todger of the yard from the detective department. From the

detective department? Just from the general police office? Yeah, detective department. Don't look too closely at Police Office? Yeah, Detective Department. Don't look too closely at the badge. Yeah, it's fine. Detective? Spelled wrong. Don't matter.

That's a folded over packet of salt and vinegar crisps. Yeah, it misses my jurisdiction. Crinkle, crinkle. What it sounds like is that they got complacent after stitching up Snaffling Jock, and they were like, I'll just say a Wold Ranger did it. Yeah. I think that's probably the solution.

Every time something happens on the Wolds, people are like, oh, probably one of the Wold Rangers. And then they would just invent an unrealistic name, like Elongated Steve. I'm going to start doing it now. If someone's like, who hasn't flushed the toilet? Oh, it was Stinky Betty, a Walled Ranger. You live in Finsbury Park.

I know, but you can't rule it out for certain. Who burned down my shed? Don't know me. Pretty, yeah, articulated Cyril. What would your W World Ranger names be? Because obviously, like, Old Ginger has already been taken and is an exact description of my face. So I feel like I guess I'd have to take up that mantle. Yeah.

What would you go for? I might take on my family name and become Donkey Shake Shaft. You've only got one, James. Donkey Shake Shaft. I've already got a World Ranger name. Incredible. That's donkey as in the animal, not as in Don Quixote. Donkey.

Yes. My middle name is Stella, so I'd probably go for something to do with like lager. Two Pint Charlie. Two Pint, yeah. Ooh, yeah. yeah maybe or like wet curly wet

drunk curly wet drunk wet wet wetty curls oh no leave in conditioner

amy amy amy what a catchy nickname that's pretty good Amy. Amy. Yeah. Amy. What a catchy nickname. It's pretty good. So I'm going to have to push you for a score on Supernatural. Three.

Three. Yeah, all right. I'm ringing the bell. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. A hungry man needs scores. The larger the number, the better. Three.

Yeah, three. Three. Three. It's Christmas. Why don't you do a crime and get yourself thrown in jail? Well, that leads me neatly onto my next category, which is awe. Oh, yeah. Because all of these stories start out sounding, oh, kind of romantic and sweet.

Oh, they wandered the green lanes. They're magical gentlemen. But then the reality of the story is more sort of pushing a pram, raising three children on a moor. In the rain. Yeah, in the rain in Yorkshire, which is bad enough in a house, never mind outdoors. Whoa, whoa.

You've just lost a point there. Where do you live, Amy, if Yorkshire's so good? I don't know. I'm just asking if Yorkshire's brilliant. The line's got funny. I'm not an idiot. What part of the country do you live, Amy, if Yorkshire's so good? Eh? No, I'm just asking if Yorkshire's brilliant. Funny. I'm not an idiot. What part of the country do you live in? Is it one full of opportunity and culture?

No, I moved away from there to horrible London. Okay, sure. I think it's been a real evening of twists and tales. It does start off quite nice and almost, you know, cinematic and romantic. And then it always ends in a sort of harrowing, you know. Bludgeoning. There's often a cuddling towards the end. Bludgeoning and bits of corpse on

piles of poo yeah just a very costly corn burning 1200 quid that's a lot now that's a lot

that's a lot now that's a lot now I was just getting a quote for having the door replaced it's like yeah

that's a lot yeah doors and taps absolute scam that would be my name doors and tapsors and taps. Absolute scam. That would be my name. Doors and taps.

Doors and taps. Mostly, I think it describes what they sold. So you would be going and jingling around with taps tied to you and a massive door on your back. Doors, gay doors. Taps on one leg, door on the other. Jingle clonk, jingle clonk. Or is it Christmas? Get in jail.

Get to jail for a fun Christmas jail. The Christmas story is the perfect example of a quaint story about how they used to steal a bike in order to go to jail for Christmas. That's really sad. Aww. Yeah, I think it's... I'm going to... Yeah, four. Oh, yeah.

It's a four. It's a four. It's a four. Yeah. All right, my final category. Megazord. Because wouldn't it have been good if all of the Wild Rangers that I've described

had formed some kind of mega hobo and just absolutely smashed up thing, just battered hull or something? Yeah, one Christmas. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just take it to the Driffield Workhouse. I admit I haven't thought this category through that well, but I just feel like these people have been left unregarded for so many years. Time for them to form a gigantic fighting machine. I think what we're seeing here, much like Power Rangers, is that everyone's got their individual skills.

They've got their specialisms. And if they came together, they could take over the country and make it even bigger in China. Yeah, because they've got, like, horsehair jacks, got plenty of horsehair, if you need that. Yeah, yeah.

Ginger Joe has that chicken. And a dog. So, working together. Yeah. Three-finger Jimmy, famous for his short temper. So, they've got that. What was he called?

Oh, Ginger. Ginger Joe. Ginger Joe. Yeah. He's on his way to sort of becoming some sort of power ranger isn't he like if the dog and the chicken if the dog and the chicken were the actual sort of individual power rangers he's the kind of the mech yeah they're controlling but they're doing the legs yeah thank you for helping because really this category was a floundering before

you pointed that out james i think it's because none of us know anything about power rangers i've had to look them up, and all I know is they say, may the power protect you. That's not a catchphrase. Nobody remembers that. My problem with Power Rangers is the plot of every episode is identical, because in the first half of the episode,

a threat would appear in the town, and they would say, well, we're the Power Rangers, let's try to beat it, but without forming a Megazord, and they would attempt for about 10 to 15 minutes to beat it without forming a Megazord, and that wouldn't work. Then there would be a commercial break.

And then afterwards they would say, that didn't work. Shall we beat it by forming a Megazord? And then they would form a Megazord and fight it. And it's like, guys, form a Megazord first half, and then you can be just chilling for the whole second half of the episode. Just as soon as someone attacks the city, form a Megazord. You say that, but there's a lot of paperwork associated with forming a Megazord. And that is why the Wild Rangers led solitary lives,

because the system was saying, guys, we're together, form a Megazord. And they were like, no, I'm going to go my own way. I'm Slenderman. I'm Long Charlie. I could be the legs, obviously. So what's the score? Whatever this category is called. It's Morphin Time.

I think Amy wants to give it a two, and I want to give it a two, and maybe those twos should combine to form a four. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. That's good. Or should I re-record that by saying one?

Because actually four seems a bit much. That's good. Or should I re-record that but say I'm one? Because actually four seems a bit much. No, four seems reasonable, I think. Just because the category was really low quality doesn't mean that you don't have to give it

a high number. And called what again? It was called something about Power Rangers was the name. I've asked before. Something about Power Rangers. Haven't really worked it out.

So this category is called James is too old for Power Rangers. I've looked it up. I do know now the three rules of the Power Rangers that Zordon gives them. So there are only three rules. First, never use your powers

for personal gain. Good, good. That's the same as us in Lawmen. Yeah. Second, never escalate a battle unless Rita forces you. What? Who's Rita? That's really specific. So that's why they're not allowed to form a Megazord, because they have some red tape from Brussels slash Zordon

saying you can't just form a Megazord whenever you want to. You've got to get Rita's permission. I guess maybe Rita's the aye-aye-aye robot. Aye-aye-aye. And finally, keep your identity a secret. There's the aye-aye-aye robot. I don't know. Aye-aye-aye. And finally, keep your identity a secret. There's two sub-rules. One's tie a chicken to your right leg and the other tie a dog to your left.

Yeah. And if you're going to burn down a barn, have a watertight alibi. You were in a different barn. Say you were in a different barn. There you go, yeah. I accept the four. And I just think we can all agree that was a really great category.

Best one, I reckon. Yeah. Thank you very much to Amy. Or as I think she now likes to be known, curly, wet, horrible Betty. Dawson Taps. Dawson Taps. Amy, you're doing Soho. Are you touring and stuff?

Yeah, I'm doing my first ever tour. Whoa. Ever, and it's really scary. It's going to be hard to get all those taps in the car on the way, but... That's the thing. Are you selling... Have you got a table afterwards for merch with just taps and doors on it? Yeah.

Well, the door is the table. Very smart. Unless someone wants to buy that first. If somebody buys that first, I'm sort of screwed. I really am. Yeah. So you can come and get your taps, get your doors, get your fittings, get your living conditioner.

You can get all that. I'm going to make some tray bakes. I'll bring them along. Yeah. So that would be nice if anyone wanted to come oh yeah where are they going to find that out I don't know

where are they going to find it internet it's on the internet isn't it if they've heard these words surely they're savvy enough to find out themselves

without being told yeah it's not like the olden days where you have to memorise an earl and then tell it to someone like the olden days where you have to memorise an earl and then tell it to someone like http

colon forward slash forward slash www.ameygledhill.co.uk is that correct I'm just guessing it is correct is that correct

forward slash doors and taps all one word no spaces no spaces no spaces .gov All one word. No spaces. No spaces. No spaces. Dot gov. Quite a tale.

Quite a tale, I think you'll agree. But James, James, can I get a record scratch? Thank you. It's quite an old and broken record. Yeah, you want to take that in for repair, to be honest. Yeah. Two things. First of all.

I've done the belt. Broken record. Yeah, you want to take that in for repair, to be honest. Yeah. Two things. First of all, the Walled Rangers left a kind of secret hobo code scratched into fences, and I forgot to mention that. That's cool. Really? Yeah, apparently. Same things like dog bites or, you know, nice barn. Yeah. A quality barn that you can get out of, even though it's locked.

That sort of information would be supposedly communicated in the hobo code which is a bit like i'm suspicious because it sounds an awful lot like the oh when people spray paint the pavement that's that's thieves communicating with each other which as you know i don't believe they do unless you uh unless you're particularly happy with your internet provider um Yeah, maybe they are thieves. Are you saying it's the fibre broadband people? Yeah. Doing that spray painting. It is. Yeah.

Still waiting for my installation. You don't have fibre broadband there? Not yet. I don't have fibre broadband. And then in South London. It's like being in the Victorian times. Victorian South London when they didn't have fibre broadband. Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. Yes. Is that why we did a record scratch? No, that's not why we didn't do a record scratch for a belated riff about Victorian pipes. I've written a book.

I've written a kid's book. It's middle grade is the term they use to describe these books, which makes it sound like it's kind of average. Is that between high and lowbrow? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. No, it means it's for kids aged eight to 12.

It's called Montgomery Bonbon, Murder at the Museum. What's it about? It's about a 10-year-old detective who solves a murder in a museum. But what's it about? What's it about about? You know, I guess it's about being true to yourself and finding out who

committed a murder. Those are the main themes. Nice. And what's it about? 200 pages? Yeah, it's about that, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Basically, it's a kids' book, but the problem is kids haven't got credit cards or anything, so they can't buy it. So I've got to try and convince adults to buy it for children or themselves i'm honestly not

bothered um there's no vat because the kids book so your quids in basically so there's no value to it there's no value there's no value the government looks at it and they went now there's no value in educating children no it's on sale in the uk and I think Canada and Australia and some other places, but not America. Oh, America. Sorry, lads and lasses of America and non-binary Americans. You need to really develop a world-beating book-based website and maybe you'll be able to get it.

America. That sounds great. I want to get it. So yeah, this is just a little plug because it'd be like the publishers they're they're really keen on people buying the book so yeah i like old school try and get them to do it i want to buy it when can i buy it from today james the 2nd of february 2023 it's in bookshops if you're listening to this at the point of release in the right time zone today, well, I'm going to actually do that.

I'm going to buy that book. Are you going to buy it? Thank you. Yeah, I'm going to buy it, actually. I mean, I could give you a copy. We are friends, so I could give you a copy. But no, you should buy it, actually. I'll buy it.

Will you sign it? Yes. Nice. I will gladly sign. Buy the book and then come and see us do the Leicester Comedy Festival. Oh, yeah. They could come and see us do the Leicester Comedy Festival and Oh, yeah, they could come and see us do the Leicester Comedy Festival and they could get us to sign the book and I could take some credit.

And hey, when is that? It's the 25th of February, 2023. 2023. Double plug. Double plugs. Two plugs per record scratch. And for some people, that's like standing on two plugs. Oh, it's painful.

Oh, there's not much content in that. Those people will have stopped listening. Yeah. This isn't rich content. Should we just do a triple plug then? Join the Patreon, everyone. Join the Patreon so that James can buy more of my books. Yeah.

In a weird sort of spiralling fractal of slightly losing value as we buy things from each other that skim, where several people along the way skim money off the top. It's that snake. Ouroboros. Ouroboros. Yeah, there it is.

There's your joke to go with all your plugs, everyone. There we go. We only had a joke in it, so you can't say it didn't. End the episode podcast over right i'm stopping it now right pulling the plug beep kawasaki kawasaki can i have some biscuits woof woof woof? Sausages? Maybe if you say the woof in the style of the laugh from Biker Grove. Like woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof?

Woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof? Woof woof? Surprisingly difficult noise to make, Geordie. Woof? Woof, man!