Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep35: Loremen S4 Ep35 - Nick Mason - The Miracle of the Geese

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

The Loremen are joined by loveable Australian podman Nick "Maso" Mason of The Weekly Planet. Naturally, they take their new deputy straight to Northampton, home of comic book legend Alan "Alan" Moore. There, the loreboys attempt to dazzle Maso with two tales.  One is a little bit too stare-y and the other is a very naughty goose.  AND THATS JUST ALASDAIR AND JAMES hahahaha! Well, that just happened... Expect a cutting dissection of Joss Whedonic humour, and more. And check out Nick @wikipediabrown on The Weekly Planet Podcast and that YouTube. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And this is a special guest episode today, Alistair. It certainly is. From abroad. Mmm. All the way down under, or if you want, through the middle.

Either way. Either way, it works. It's Nick Mason from the Weekly Planet podcast. Australia! Sorry, from the Weekly Planet podcast. Yes, and Australia. Australia. Australia. Strails. Australo. And we dazzle him with a couple of spooky

stories from Northampton. Northo. Up-over, as they call it. Yes. Or through the middle. Through the middle. Again, same way, same difference. Psst, Alistair.

Yes, James, you whispering. Is this a mini-sode? It isn't a mini-sode. I forgot the other time I do whispering is sometimes when we've got a guest, I do whispering. Yeah, whispering can mean two things. Because I forget that they've got headphones on and they can hear all of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait till the guest gets here. This is going to be really exciting.

Stop talking. There's a guest, Nick. You're going to ruin it for the guest. I'm so sorry. Yeah, Alistair. I just wanted to be part of something. And now I've ruined it. I'll go. No, come in. Don't get back onto the Zoom call.

Oh, hi. Hi, everyone. It's the guest, Nick Mason. Hello, Nick Mason. Hello. It's great to be here. It's Nick Mason from the Weekly Planet and loads of other stuff, right? Yeah, some other stuff, sure.

Podcasting, public transport i'm uh i'm uh i'm a podcasting icon and a and a and a working class hero on both of those things so uh it's it's great to be here and big fans of you guys um it's it's it's somewhat akin to when you listen to the radio as a kid and you imagine what the presenters look like. And then you see them and you go, I don't know about this. But it's a little different because I know what you guys look like. Obviously, I've seen you on videos and I've listened to the podcast. But it's like my friends, the podcasters, it's like the parasocial relationship is coming to get me. And I don't know how I feel about it.

No, you should be talking and I should be absent, but here we are. Well, I'm also a big, a very big fan of your podcast, The Weekly Planet, which is broadly about comic book movies, but it's also about a little bit more than that, I'd say. Well, you know, depending on the episode, we do hit the sort of existential crisis stage. So it's about that as well. When James said that the podcast was about more than comic books,

you had such a look of shock on your face. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. It's about superhero movies and the existential crisis of realising that you're age aging out of superhero movies very rapidly. And yet you're doing a podcast about them. How do you feel about the advent of the, that just happened, Joss Whedon style of humour, which I, as a non-superhero aficionado, have noticed seems to be prevalent? I love it. I don't. I don't don't no you know what i hate it and i absolutely i'm sick of kevin feige head of marvel studios coming down here and and and

ruining everything you're ruining ruining movies for everyone he's behind me isn't he there we go. There's a bit of Joss Whedon humour for you. Well, that just happened. Nick, I think there is a comic book related bit of folklore. Oh, really? And that is the comic book writer, Alan Moore. Yes.

I mean, yeah. Here, he's someone who, you know, if God willing, we're still doing this podcast in 200 years' time. If God curses us. You must forever walk the earth and do a podcast. Did we scorn Jesus as he carried the cross? I think we have multiple times on this podcast. Yeah, that is true, yeah.

I think only the last or next episode, depending on the release order, we referred to him as being the ultimate prankster. He was the ultimate prankster. The original prankster, too. Yes, yes. Literally this weekend, my kids got into pranks. I thought you were going to say they got into The Offspring,

and that would not be suitable. They are too young for some of the hot truths that are coming out of The Offspring's music. It's not appropriate parental warning they're too young for the hot guitar riffs of noodles from the offspring did you know that the lead singer um i can't remember his name but he's um he's a virologist now he's got like two phds yeah it's just like might be dexter and he's uh he's a doctor now dr dexter i think dr dexter it's like because listening to it you never listened to it and thought wow

this lyricist seems like a really smart guy i never had that thought well i've checked wikipedia and he is he is a really smart guy what so i was wrong nice work the offspring and he can count to five in spanish and so can i now yeah but only at a very certain rhythm. No, six in Spanish. But five appears twice. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis. Seis. Yeah. Anyway, sorry. Come on, James. Give it to me, baby. Alright, alright.

So, do you think the backing singers are going, alright, alright? I always do. I'm pretty fly for a white guy. Alright, alright. Calm down. You've got a paper to write after this show. This is one of the worst instances of the roughly 40-year-old men podcast-itis that we've begun to suffer with.

Yeah. We're all going to be turfed out of the podcast game, and we're going to have to get a job. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no no that's another i was just trying to shoehorn it in there i was trying my best i was trying my best that's all that's all the songs i know there we go back to alan moore who is from famously northampton i promised as well that i would practice my alan moore accent slash impression It's so hard to do. Midlands accents can be such a challenge.

Or Alan Moore. Or the flow like. It just sounds like slowed down Ringo. Yes, that was my problem. I kept slipping into generic The Beatles whenever I was talking about, you're talking about the mythology inherent in superheroes. But then now I'm up there. and now I'm bigger than Jesus. So apologies, I won't be bringing my Moore impression today.

But I did research Northampton, Northamptonshire, and I've got a couple of tales which I think we're going to all enjoy very much. This is very exciting. Nick, the first tale, I thought, okay, Nick Mason is very exciting. Nick, the first time I thought, okay, Nick Mason. Hello. From Australia. I found that there is a tale from a town in Northamptonshire called Barbie.

Ah, and I thought, what better way to ingratiate myself with an Australian thing? We put a shrimp upon exactly the very thing. It's either really good way to make friends with an Australian or make a fresh new enemy. Yeah, a lot of gamble there, James. In 1851, a Mrs. Webb, who was rich but a miser, died. That's how you get to be rich, isn't it?

Yeah, you can't be a poor miser. No, you would be both a poor miser and a poor miser poor at miser ring very poor and she left her house to her nephew who had a farm nearby then the house was empty for a little while and the neighbor had bumps and scrapes even though they knew the house to be empty and then the accleton family moved in and they started hearing nighttime knocks and bangs. And then one night their daughter woke them up with a scream. I'm presuming from her own bedroom she didn't come over into their room and just sort of peer at them and then scream in their faces. Mother, father, if you have a moment.

You asleep? Okay. If that kid had been played by Alan Moore, how would that scream have gone, James? Oh. Oh. No, it's still Ringo, isn't it? Yeah, that is Ringo.

Oh. Oh. Oh, mother. Oh. No, I can't. Such a hard voice to do. Could you add more sadness to that could you add more just more um it's getting there i think yeah now imagine imagine you've made some

very very poor deals with with very large comic book companies and they've screwed you over for several decades that's what's missing from the voices is we just can't get that level of sadness a soup's on of that level of regret would be nice i want my name taken off that sad noise yeah oh there it was and there it was so what it turned out was the child had seen standing in her room a tall thin old lady staring and shaking her head it's quite a strong look because normally if you shake your head you kind of close your eyes or your eyes kind of go all over the shop if you pick a point and stare that is a very intimidating vibe yeah intimidating or like one of

those clowns at a fun house you put the balls in their mouth. Do you have those? Do you have those in the UK? We have to throw the ball into the mouth of the clown. Yeah. Yes. Okay. What happens after that? Everyone has a nice time. Everyone cheers. Everyone in the park cheers.

Is it called Kentucky Dive where you have to roll the balls up? Yeah, it's like a skee-ball situation. They're sort of like busts of clown heads. They rotate with their eyes open creepily and you throw ping pong balls into their mouths and then maybe you get tickets and you exchange it for a stuffed toy of some kind and not as big as you'd hoped stuff yeah those tickets are not worth as much as they look like they would be i know the guy i know the ones where you shoot the water pistols into their mouth and they have a balloon on their head that pops but i've not yeah i've not seen the the ball-based ones those i can i'm

imagining them and they're very intimidating that scary old lady reappeared every night for seven consecutive nights and they realized that that she was always underneath the same spot which was underneath the hatch to the attic and the nephew who was on the nearby farm decided to investigate and they decided to investigate the loft with the help of mr hackleton and in that loft they found a big pile of documents deeds paperwork general sort of admin stuff and underneath that big pile of documents, they found a big bag of gold. What? And some cash. What?

And some ready cash. And some ready money. Some ready cash. Wow. My goodness, some traveler's checks. My goodness. They examined the paperwork and, well, this is the story that their nephew says. It showed that Mrs. Webb had a number of debts and he used the money

to pay off those debts and then the ghost stopped appearing right okay okay so she just had certain certain bits of admin like unfinished business in a really literal sense yes right very boring unfinished business and she not a score to settle just a few bills to pay yeah all right outstanding mobile phone contracts or what have you i don't know i don't know how that works i must say the shake of the head to me does does not that that's not an effective clue in terms of if you want to be like listen i've got some accounting to do. I've got – check my accounts payable, and also there's gold above me. Maybe look up Ghost Lady. Yeah, glance up.

A nod, if anything, would have invited the viewer to go upwards. Or maybe do the sort of get the bill mime that you do in a restaurant. Yes, absolutely. Yes. At least that to imply the idea of money. Or rub your fingers together and shake that's a good one too yeah you say money money's not good don't talk to me about money maybe she was just upset because she could see that the nearest person to finding the money was like a six-year-old

who is not going to have the business acumen no my goodness no no no also as a family you're not going into that attic you're not you're not uh you know you're not checking every available space as as as a father go on as a father nick we moved into a house and i knew it was my job to go and look in that loft i was too scared i James, I'm so glad you said that because we've moved into a small flat and it's in the eaves and we've got a small attic above it.

And I just had to say that I'm too scared to go in it because it's really scary. Like I'm not going in. It's really scary. And I know my hair would touch the beams which have definitely got spiders in them. Your hair would get full of bats. Bats!

In a hot sandwich. Well, you live in Oxfordshire, so we know your house is brimming with bats. Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no. There was one bat on one night, and we got rid of that bat. And that's very important that that is, for legal reasons, that is said,

because if you have bats... Nick, it's full of bats. It sounds like it's full of bats. It's a real problem. No, for legal reasons, that is said because if you have bats... Nick, it's full of bats. It sounds like it's full of bats. It's a real problem. No, it's not full of bats. In the UK, it's illegal to have your house full of bats, which is why James is denying it. It is very illegal.

It's a serious crime. I know in Australia you can have as many as you want, but not here. It sounds like James hasn't paid his bat licence. No, no, no, no. The local council, local councillors are a superstitious cowardly lot and so they won't they don't come around uh if you're full of bats they don't have a bat detector van sounds like a much less good version of the batmobile yes yeah yeah when batman

wants to find out who hasn't been paying his tv license but it would have great sonar i suppose like the beady beady thing well i'm not sure if you can really detect tvs can you like nick sorry this may be too british britain you have to have a tv license and for years we had adverts on the tv we'll be like oh the detective van is out to get you detecting who has a television but didn't have a TV licence. And I, as a sceptic, don't believe that that technology exists. I think it was a lie. A sort of Big Brother for detecting who was watching Big Brother. Exactly. This is the weirdest dystopia I've ever heard about, but this is delightful.

It's the little things that separate our cultures, you know. A TV detecting van wouldn't fly over here. Not at all. Either they have the technology to detect unlicensed televisions or they have a list of all the addresses in a town and a list of the addresses that have TV licences. And they do some kind of maths jiggery-pokery to knock on the doors of the people who don't have TV licences

without the need for some kind of advanced technology for detecting televisions. But they still put the satellite dish on the van. They do still drive around with the fake van, but the van does nothing. It's just a little guy inside turning it round. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong.

Please, listener, correct me if i'm wrong but it just it strikes me that tv technology has changed over the years like they're not cathode ray tubes anymore so what are you claiming to be detecting what are you detecting you liars well there is um there is that little form that disclaimer you have to click when you go on like the bbc website to say yeah i do have a TV licence. Maybe they've got a little satellite dish that detects if you... If you click that. Click it like a liar would. So we've made the UK sound like a nightmarish dystopia there.

Sorry, Nick. That's quite all right. Everything we have is poisonous. So, you know, horses for courses in a lot of ways. Yeah, you've got poisonous horses wow yes dressage is a nightmare why don't they get loose get into the stands you're in a lot of trouble so anyway james you're avoiding uh that you have bats that's sorry sorry you know right did we talk about this when i talked about the batastrophe i think it was a special bonus episode

i got i got attacked by a bat in the night and it turns out like if you have bats in your house you're not allowed to move them on because they're like a protected species or something but there is a job of a bat detector there is like a person that comes around they charge a lot of money like a thousand pounds to come around and tell you whether you have bats or not that is all they do they there's no further they don't rehouse the bats they don't they just tell you sort of act as a a sort of in between between they don't give you any kind of bat repellent spray no you don't get any bats bat repellent do they have a utility belt, these guys? Is it a no-bat-no-fee situation? So if you don't have any bats, they don't charge you?

Same price. Same price. So it's a fixed call-out price just to know if there is a bat. If you're getting a bat detector round, you've got a pretty strong suspicion you've got a bat. Yeah, because you've seen a bat in your house. They probably go around the alley behind your house late at night and they flap an umbrella really quickly.

They put the fear of a bat in you, and then they come round and they clean up. They've got tame bats that they release, and then they whistle them home at night. This is like an exorcism, but for bats. Are you saying that the vicars go round opening umbrellas to scare people into thinking that they're... I'm saying the vicars go around opening umbrellas to scare people into thinking that i'm saying the vicars are creating the ghosts yes that's what i'm saying

well i have another tale so that was a spooky one that was a spooky one i've got a weird one it's really odd okay great so this takes place in the town of Weed-on-Beck. Because Australians, they love a barbecue and they love to wee on the musical artist Beck. That's very Australian. Beck in this context... It's like, I'm a loser, baby. Why don't you wee on me? There we go.

Hey, Beck, cop some of this mellow gold, Beck. Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! You're listening to Roughly 40-Yearing that's right yeah but no beck in this context refers to the church's connections to some french abbey and the weed on there's no explanation for that at the moment it's not it's not spelt as in Joss. No, as in weed on. Past tense. I think maybe it was named by a rival town. They didn't like him.

The Shelbyville did it. The Shelbyville town got him. Now, that church in that town has a weathervane in the shape of a flying goose. And I'm going to tell you why. This is the miracle of the geese. Banging title. Well done. I love this.

Yeah, this is good. So if you were to visit the UK, you wanted to see some wild geese. Sure. You think, I might go to Weedonbeck. They're obviously into geese there. I'll probably see a wild goose. No, you won't.

Oh. Not anymore. Thanks for really getting into that, Nick. to geese there, I'll probably see a wild goose. No, you won't. Not anymore. Thanks for really getting into that, Nick. I tricked you. I really tricked you there. Oh, my heart. Oh, what a rollercoaster of promises of geese. My goodness.

That's what James is like. He'll just dangle a goose in front of you and then he'll whip it away. I'll go around the back of your house and open an umbrella that sounds like a goose just to get you goosed up, juiced up for geese. This is like the time I heard about up-and-coming Hollywood star Ryan Gosling. I'm like, oh, he's a man. Oh, he's a man. Oh, all right, fine, I guess.

In fact, you would have to go back to the early 7th century to see a wild goose in weed yeah is this some sort of saint patrick situation there was a did a man remove all the geese somehow it was saint verberg and she was a nun and in fact she was a princess that turned it that became a nun um her dad was the king of Mercia. You're making all this up. And when you hear the names. This is like when you're talking to a little kid and he's trying to impress you.

Actually, they were a princess and also a nun, and their father was the king. Her father was the king. King Wolf here. Which, again, sounds like a warning No geese here, but some wolf Definitely wolf And King Wolf here was considered a heathen

Because he married a Christian woman Err, Manilda Err, Manilda That's the full name, Err, Manilda It's not me making up the name That's not you trying to find the spot And they're called Manilda Err, Manilda? Manilda the name okay that's not you trying to find the spot and they're called manilda he became the first mercian king to be baptized he helped to build the abbey at

now this is a tough one medisham steed oh medisham which is now known as peterborough which is much easier it sounds like one of those long ones where it's actually pronounced Mumsley. Oh, yeah, probably. Yes. I apologise to all the people who are writing in right now to correct my pronunciation. It's pronounced Mumsley. No, sorry, they'd say it like Alan Moore, wouldn't they? It's pronounced Mumsley.

It's pronounced Mumsley. I'm not even the best drummer in the Beatles. Alan, come on. Cheer yourself up, mate. So, Wolf here and Manilda had four children, one of which was the daughter of Werburg. Werburg, Verburg, edit that in. And she was born in Stone in Staffordshire,

and she made a vow to become a nun. But her father was very against that. He wanted her to marry Werbord. So Werbord and Verberg. Werbord, Werberg, Wolf here and Manilda.

I love that. I'm loving it. I don't want to jump too far ahead but names are doing very well. I'm loving it. I don't want to jump too far ahead, but names are doing very well in this episode. Yeah, I read her family tree, basically, because it's so hilariously named. It does sound a little bit like you have too much peanut butter in your mouth. So Wolf here died in 675, and finally Verba got her wish to become a nun and she became a nun and she became the abbess of the local

abbey in Weedonbeck and this is where she performed her most famous miracle. So one summer the crop fields around Weedonbeck were infested with geese. It was a big invasion of honking geese. They were eating all the corn they were eating all the fruit. You know geese. What? It was a big invasion of honking geese.

They were eating all the corn. They were eating all the fruit. You know geese. Wow. That's like one of the plagues of Egypt that they just skip over because it doesn't sound that bad. No, but it would be bad. It'd be really annoying.

I know swans can break an arm, but what about geese? A finger? A toe? Yeah, your wrist. They'll probably sprain your wrist. More than a duck. Keeps more children away, though. Yes.

Oh, more than a duck, of course. More than a duck. A duck will just impersonate you for fraudulent reasons or get back to the attic. Low-level stuff. Yeah. That's the history of Verberg.

Now, Weedonbeckck now full of geese and bizarrely someone had to tell verberg this rather than her just noticing it from the noise of geese that would be all over the town but someone told her about it she was like right i'm gonna sort this out so she commanded a servant go hastily to drive these wild geese and bring home to her place there to be penned. Okay, well, so far it sounds like the servant should be getting the sainthood, if you ask me. But isn't it always the way? The boss gets the credit. The servant refuses to.

The servant's like, no, these are wild geese. There's no way I'm going to be able to drive them. And a pen is like a cage without a roof on it. So it's just the sides is a pen that's true yes so if a goose didn't really want to be kept in a pen it wouldn't work it's not like sheep very easily fly away they'll fly away at the drop of a hat this allows me to do my dad joke whenever i go to a zoo with my children. And you know, the main attraction in the pen is not there, but a pigeon has flown in and is just eating some of the animals. I was saying, I see pigeons at home.

We're wasting our money here at this zoo. Anyway. Dad, can we see the bats? Can we see bats at home? Shut up about the bats. Shut up about the bats. It's really fun being my child. Right.

So, The Servant, and this is according to Life of Verberg by Henry Bradshaw from the 1500s. This is an old poem. It's so old, it doesn't really rhyme. That's the 1500s. This is an old poem. It's so old, it doesn't really rhyme. That's the best ones. I don't know, because I dislike poems. So I don't know if I'd rather they rhymed, so at least you know what you're getting into. Or it's like sometimes you get faked out with a poem.

You think it's prose, blooming not. It's got a pentameter going on in there. James is a poetry detector. He'll come out for about a grand. He'll wave his wand around, and he'll tell you if something is iambic. Yes. But it's a flat fee whether or not he discovers a limerick in a corner.

Now, this is actually just a tweet. That'll be £1,000. The signs were there. It's on your phone and at first the servant stood still in a study i'm guessing from the time it means like he stood still and just sort of had a think yeah he didn't like go into a special room to stand still supposing his lady had been unreasonable commanding to do a thing impossible because he's like this can't you can't one you can't drive wild geese two if i get them in a pen they're just gonna fly away because they're geese but she said just to stop less of that back chat mate

and do it i'm paraphrasing the poem there yeah she said do as i say and he did and it worked he so this guy was called alnoth he approached the field where the geese were and was very surprised that they didn't fly away at this point they just kind of looked at him and then he told them to go to his mistress and And they did. Now, he told them to do that with words. So he must have had an inkling that they had some sort of understanding. But yes, he was still surprised that they did. And it says that not one of them tried to fly away, but they waddled along the path with bowed heads

as though ashamed of their bad behavior. Saw all the geese having a little bit of a think guilty geese walking along like we've really been caught now it's it's that you know her dad was the king yeah i do i do actually yeah and they went into the they went into the pen they didn't fly away and and verba came in and told them all off. She gave them a real talking to. Do they have ears? Could you give a goose an earful?

Probably a very small quantity of goose's earful. More than a duck, but less than a swan. Yep. Yep. They were assembled in front of her. She inspected them, chastised them for their greed, and told them that they were to be imprisoned for the night. Everyone's chatting with geese yeah this is considered normal the fact that the geese can fly away and be herded is the weird bit but the the chatting is fine and apparently they stretch

their necks forward as though asking for forgiveness they stayed there the night as you know as ordered and then in the morning Verberg came down and was like, all right, I hope you've thought about what you've done. I'm not angry with you, geese. Just very disappointed. Look, I've given you a late checkout, and you can go to the breakfast buffet if you like. Just take whatever you want, and then you have to go.

But at this point, the geese kick off massively, honking, all of them. I've been at breakfast buffets like that. There's a really hungover stag do all crowded around the really slow toast machine. You know the toast conveyor belt? It seems like a good idea, but how slow is it? It's too slow. You need it to go one and a half times as well. It's never one.

Don't touch the dial because you can't because they've got a sticker next to it saying, don't touch this dial. Please don't touch this dial, a sticker next to it saying, don't touch this dial. Please don't touch this dial, geese. And you know what? The geese listen to it. That's the odd thing. They go around with their head down, sorry, I touched the dial.

Yeah. I'll just have some beans and a hash brown. So she returns to them. She's about to let them off. But they kick off. They're all honking, making the noises. And now it's the servant's turn to look guilty. She looks at Alneth and he's got his head bowed down at this point.

She's like, Alneth, what have you done? I just painted some ducks. The geese are still out there. I don't know. I can't do nothing with geese. No, what he did was he killed and ate one for his dinner oh that wasn't the deal almas really wasn't the deal and we know that the geese know what the deal was and they knew that he wasn't allowed to be doing that um so she's like okay bring me the

bones bring me the bones of that geese I've got a little something up my sleeve good because I was starting to think that this miracle was really low stakes but now I think maybe we're getting

into it yeah I was really impressed by I was thinking if this is her main miracle she's got to be one of the worst

signs out there on the roster but this is this is looking very promising if we're gathering the bones I was thinking

she was going to feed Almuth to the geese. This feels like it's approaching some sort of geese-related necromancy. She's going to make a goose skeleton dance or something like that. A friend of the show, Laura the Land, at a sign from her hand, the flesh begins to come on the bones. Like horrible stop-motion animation, definitely. This is early Aardman stuff yeah yeah well it was

more sort of weird adult and then the feathers to clothe the flesh until i imagine one by one yep how the saint would have filmed it would have been they would have pulled them out by like piano wire yeah and then reverse the film is how i'm imagining this yes rather than make up darts to look like feathers and chuck them at the corpse of a bird um this is this is why i got kicked out of the special effects yeah it's very it's very jan spankmeyer if anyone knows who jan spankmeyer is. Yeah. He did stop-motion animation with meat and bones. Oh, no. Ooh. That, because famously, that takes ages to do stop-motion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to be careful when you're animating with meat. Sure. I'm imagining the beak comes on last, and it sort of hits him in the back of the head, Daffy Duck style, and it sort of spins it round to the front. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then,

that goose is alive again, waddling around. What happened? The things I've seen. I was in hell. I was in goose hell. Just a horrible little event horizon goose.

Yeah. Trying to warn the rest of the geese. And then, yeah, that goose takes off, flies away, and all the other geese fly off. Just like, ah, get me away from here. Well, that's a bona fide miracle. And to this day, you'll never find a wild goose in Weedonbeck.

My goodness. So, you know, some real strong lessons there for us all to think about. Yeah, yeah. If we're terrorising a village by eating all their corn. Now, modern cynic might suggest that the ecosystem of that particular town doesn't support the

profligation of the geese species, but it's probably that magic thing you said. The geese, it's probably the magic thing you said, I think it's probably probably the magic thing you said i think it's probably yeah rather than they ate all the food and then left because they'd eaten all the food it's probably because a nun made him feel guilty geese are one of the guiltiest animals they're aside from humans they're the only animals to feel guilt i noticed something i saw

nun on the train the other day and you used to see nuns on trains all the time and I just don't see nuns on public transport as much No So So So What's that all about? Another classic observation

Sorry, I was always coming up with a classic stand-up comedy routine But where are nuns? They're like white dog poo I tell you what, though, I'm seeing more of... Go on. ...geese. Loads of cheeky geese.

Right, so it's like charting the population of foxes against rabbits. They go up and down in inverse proportion. That's right. Natural enemies. Are you saying

we should hunt nuns? No, I'm saying we need to breed more nuns to keep the goose population in check. We need to release more nuns into the wild. But you can't release them into the wild. They're not acclimatised for it. They're pulled apart by the wild nuns. At the very least, get bullied. And there's been a devolution.

Far fewer nuns can fly these days. Back and there's been a devolution but like far fewer nuns can fly these days you know back in the back in the 70s there was that one the flood these days they just they just sort of shuffle across the highway and it's not safe it's not safe it's cruel if anything yeah but that's why we need to make the nun tunnels the nunner rail absolutely oh the no oh that is first class wonderful stuff i think we and all podcasts now uh on the rail thank you very much not surprising that an australian would get that because of course nuns were introduced to australia and briefly overran the outback yeah essentially it's legal to kill them in australia because there's just too many were they put in to like reduce the monk population but it backfired that's right yeah it was it was cane toads and then we brought the monks in it's got the cane toads and then the monks are all you

know with their bells and their bowls and etc and you got to bring the nuns in and then who knows after that so those are my tales are you ready to score those tales yes please let's make it happen okay so first category it's gonna go simple supernatural well i mean i i love the image of the the um the slender lady turning her head with her eyes open that was very evocative i like that that was yeah that was notably spooky i pictured a very like a very like a like a reed thin kind of lady like a slender man but a lady yeah a bit more pc yes absolutely that's right slender man's gone woke yeah that's right yeah for me um i woke up and i saw a ghost is the lowest value of ghost

because it was a dream. But on this occasion, we've got a bit of backup upstairs. That's true. Because just above where that ghost was standing, you've got stuff belonging to that ghost that you might be interested in, gold and documents, et cetera. So that's quite good. That, to me, adds value.

Unfinished crossword puzzles and so forth. I just needed six down. Now I can leave. Now I can leave this mortal plane. That, to me, adds value. Unfinished crossword puzzles and so forth. I just needed six down. Now I can leave. Now I can leave this mortal plane. I go bye, everyone. I appreciate I'm crossing two different tails with one set of scores here, but we've also got the ability to communicate with a goose. Well, I mean, communicate with a goose, absolutely.

Delightful. But I think the jewel in the crown is horrifically putting the remains of a goose back together. I thought that was, again, very – that's what I want. I want evocative. I want just imagining the noise and the smell. And where's the meat coming from? Did it come out of the man who ate the goose?

Maybe it just... Maybe... Yeah. Oh, I'm suddenly hungry again. Okay, all right. I'm a big fan of that. I would give this a four for supernatural, I think. When Nick was miming that,

you were miming the meat coming out of his mouth, but we don't know that that is how the meat would have come out. That's true. Could have been quicker. That's true, yes. We don't know how it mouth, but we don't know that that is how the meat would have come out. That's true. Could have been quicker. That's true, yes. We don't know how it happened, but we know it was revolting. I think Nick's right. I think it's a really, really good creepy four.

Yes. Lovely. Thank you very much. And then the second category is names. So my first tale, it had some names they weren't great and it was in the town of barbie which was my um misjudged attempt to make this relatable i'm furious i'm furious how dare you oh i'm just going to continue to sip on my cup of tea whilst wearing my bowler hat but i think i did a lot of great work well by reading out a list of names for the second they were a good list of

names james they were good undeniable i've never forgotten all of them we've got werberg we've got a wolf here yeah we've got uh minilda that's a beautiful power couple name i gotta respect that i think so i mean names and joss whedon and we all weed on back i i think i'm gonna give alistair how do you feel about this i'm i'm i'm leading i'm thinking a strong three to a four but i i would defer to your expertise well i was i was swept up in the excitement i was i was gonna be more generous i'm gonna go with a four i'm gonna go with i would say a four that's very that's very kind thank you for guilting nick into giving me a higher score excellent that's my role here in the podcast today just to be clear nick is now walking with bowed head towards a pen you know and what he did was wrong. But James, if you eat him in the night... I'll be so mad.

That brings us to the next category, which is something stinks. Because something stinks. Yeah. Regarding the first story, I am a man in a greenhouse, and I'm about to throw a stone about someone lying about what they've got in their loft because frankly mr heart something stinks about your story i don't know what i don't like about it but i don't like something about it it doesn't state explicitly that miss that the nephew remained the owner of the house and rented it out to the Ackletons,

or if he'd sold the house to the Ackletons, and by definition would have sold the contents. But then this ghost turns up, and he goes round, goes up in the loft, finds a big bag of gold, and then apparently also some bills, which happen to be covered exactly by the amount of gold. Now, so you're saying here that this is not so much a supernatural event, but some sort of scam situation, some kind of... I think there's some sort of scam. You think it's a ruse?

Personally, I think maybe when he was up in that loft with Ackleton, he was like, look, we'll split this. We'll say that we're using it to pay off the debts. No one's going to ask anything about what's happened to the money. Or he said to Ackleton, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she had a load of debts. I'll take this money away and pay for it. Really, you know, he's buying, I don't know, things that he would like from the past.

What decade was it? What decade was it happening? decade do I sound familiar? 1850s. So a Game Boy. Yeah, I think so. Wouldn't have been colour. Or maybe it's the lady. She had all these bills and she went, okay, I'll work really hard

and I'll save up the exact amount and tomorrow's the day and I'll take it all down and I'll go and pay go down the bank and i'll pay all and then she fell maybe coming out of the attic yeah yeah and and and i choose to believe i'm on this podcast i'm choosing to believe in the magic of this ghost lady i think i think this is for real i think she had the exact amount and then she slipped okay then and it's a sad tale for her but i think everyone had the best of intentions. I'm going to have to make up my points on things stinking in a town called Weedon that's full of geese. Yeah.

Goose poo. It would stink. Goose poo is a menace. Yeah, see, I think if there was a corpse up in that house, up in that attic. Oh, that would. You'd be on track for a five, I think. If you had the forps up in that house, up in that attic, you'd be on track for a five, I think. If there was – when you said we moved the pile of bills and there was a scary skeleton.

A pile of bill. A pile of a man named Bill. But, yeah, I'm thinking of just wild geese en masse. They stink. The leftovers of a gooseese en masse. They stink. The leftovers of a goose, that's going to stink. That whole situation. That was weird. That was weird.

That's got to stink. But it's stinking in reverse also, which has got to be a whole new level, I think, of stink. That's going to get less stink, hopefully. It's going to come at you in a way that it's never – like when you eat something, you're going to smell it a certain way. But it being uneaten, that's going to smell it a certain way but to it being it being uneaten yeah that's that's going to be unearthly and unpleasant and that's i don't think anybody's ever vomited and thought that smells great because it is it is technically food doesn't smell good it stinks frankly it stinks wow and you're bold enough to say that on a podcast. Yep, I'll say it. Vomit stinks, wow.

I think we might have to edit this out. We'll put this in the Patreon only bit. Some of these opinions are a little bit too hot. And they don't want you to say that. Next week, you're going to deliver a note-stap apology. It depends on what you've been eating, I suppose. It's right then. I'm going to give this a four as well. Thoroughly been eating, I suppose. Right, then. I'm going to give this a four as well.

Thoroughly supernatural stink, I think. I think it would have been five, except that Nick has decided to believe the story of the family that found the big bag of gold. But I think you should be very happy with that four. I'm shaking my head while staring forward, but it's not doing enough to change the score. So we move on to my final category

less is alan moore in as much as our impersonations of alan moore the less they're in the podcast the better the podcast is exactly yep yep yep and despite two people doing an impression of alan moore we didn't even add up to one alan Moore. No, we haven't approached a single Alan Moore, no. In black and white I look quite like Alan Moore. You do! Very Alan Moore. Oh, you also have a long coat.

I used to have like a military greatcoat, in black and white wearing that. I looked like as much of a comic book nerd as all the Alan Moore fans who deliberately dress and look like Alan Moore. Perhaps I didn't reach the man's status himself. You both had wizardly vibes.

Yeah. You have wizardly vibes, to be honest. Thank you. Thank you, James. Him by being an actual wizard as well. Apart from the fact that we couldn't do an Alan Moore impression, there wasn't a slight Alan moore reference i felt because alan moore wrote the comic series watchmen yes and there's a i don't know if you've read that i'm sure many of the people this is part of read that there's a bit where the guy gets blasted into smithereens dr manhattan and he puts himself

back together again yeah puts himself back together again, yeah. He puts himself back together, bits by bits, that's with the skeleton, then the sinews, then the thing. And then at the end, the goose flies off like,

I'm tired of these geese, I'm tired of the tangle of their lives. Honk, honk. That's the last panel. We're going to go and sit on Mars. That's the last panel. And there were no geese in manhattan ever again that's why you did it sorry spoiler for everyone there and then to mr mr acklington or whatever he was called at the start to mr acklington they were like so you're gonna use

all this money to pay bills and he was like i did it 30 minutes ago yes bills are paid spoiler alert as well spoiler alert for watchman and this episode yes and just sometimes some of some of my um links just kind of spoil people's day i imagine spoiler alert you might not enjoy the next sentence games just imagining listeners hearing that perhaps on the train or on the on their walk to work or a jog or something and going, oh, that's a five in my book. As far as I'm concerned. This has been the favourite part of my day, let me tell you. The idea that we could have spoiled someone's commute.

Some nun on a train just going, ah! Wimple fizzing with fury. Some goose with an iPod. That's my Less is alan moore pitch maybe i'll take my name off it as well because it was uh that bad that bad a selection of arguments well i think nick nick gave you five out of five i don't think any of us can remember oh that was it oh that was genuine i thought that was uh that was real yeah it was for real i'll take that yeah yeah none of us can remember why as you as you as you are putting together that analogy, or possibly a metaphor,

I'm not sure what the definition of either is, of the goose coming back together like a docker man hat. And I'm like, no, that's good. You've found that link. I'm loving that. So that was good. Wonderful. Thank you very much.

I can imagine it in my mind, some sort of Looney Tunes parody of the whole situation, you know? Just a uh you know when they do their delightful pop culture parodies that's that's what i'm thinking well that's a that's a wonderful set of scores for me thank you very much thank you very much for guesting on the show you're very welcome where on god's green earth can people find more of you uh well you can find me uh uh cruising the streets of melbourne australia of Melbourne, Australia in a tram. But if you don't want to do that, because it's kind of a treasure hunt there, you can just go to your podcast catcher of choice and listen to the weekly planet, which is a podcast about

movies and TV shows and comic books and video games sometimes with a sort of pretty heavy emphasis on superhero movies, if you can believe that. They're quite popular now. And also you can go to a YouTube channel called Mr. Sunday Movies, and I'm on videos there most weeks. So a bit of fun, similar vibes. So, yeah. Hilarious as well, I must say.

Very, very funny. Very enjoyable. Thank you. Alistair, could you tell I was doing a bit of a posh voice? Were you trying to impress Nick Maso Mason by doing a slightly posh voice, James? I think I was. I should have just called him Maso. Everyone seems to call him Maso.

We called him Mr. Nick Mason. I've had to edit that down every single time we say Nick. Thank you very much to Mr. Nick Mason, a.k.a. Maso. If you enjoy our voices in conjunction with Australian voices, you should also check out some other Australian podcasts that we've featured on. Correct. I was on the most recent episode of Do Go On. You'll recognise a couple of people from that. Indeed. And we, you and I, we were both on the Book Cheap podcast. Yes. With Dave W Warnecke and of course check out

patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod for all sorts of bonus bits there's a load of bonus content from this episode

and previous ones yeah go on talking about the Shakespeare play the er much ado about nothing Talking about the Shakespeare play, the... Old Willie Shakes. Much Ado About Nothing. Much Ado About Nothing?

Much Ado About Nothing by Old Willie Shakes. Old Billy Shako, as we call him. That's what they call him in Australia. Oi, Shako, you riding a play? Oh, what's this first folio? Folio does sound like... does sound like an Australian nickname, but it is the actual name. I don't know what of what, but it's something to do with Shakespeare.

Cool. I think that's it. Good. Was there something else, actually? I sent a note because I wanted to not forget things. Oh, mispronunciations saint verberg yes um for everyone who's probably already tweeted me i have since learned that saint verberg is pronounced saint verbers but i don't know if that is to do with like in the same way that, like, in Oxford, it's Magdalene College when it's Mary Magdalene.

So I don't know. I don't know what's going on. Yeah. In Australia, it's pronounced Verbo. It's in Verbo. It's in Verbo, mate. We're probably going to have more Australian listeners than ever on this episode.

I bet they really appreciate the time we've taken to learn about their culture. Yes. And mimic it? Yeah. Australians like to end words with O. I do love a nickname. I can't.

I don't know why. And I bloody love them for it.