Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep39: Loremen S4 Ep39 - The Denham Tracts

Episode Date: April 6, 2023

The Denham Tracts might sound like the pamphlets of choice for James “Double Denim” Shakeshaft. In fact, they were the work of a County Durham folklorist with an ear for proverbs and an eye for the weird.   Does King Arthur sleep beneath the Castle of the Seven Shields? Do Hedgehogs engage in nocturnal milk-larceny? And if you live anywhere near Leeds, are you prepared for the Puddening? These questions - and more - will be answered, as the Lorebois leaf through the Denham Tracts, looking for words that sound a bit rude. This episode is a 'ganger', like Willy Pigg’s d*** a**. After all, “It’s a hobbly road, as the man said when he fell over a cow.” Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. With me, Alastair Beckett-King. And me, James Shakeshaft. And James Shakeshaft. Yes. Oh, baby! Have I got a random collection of weird bits of folklore for you. I'll bloomin' hope so. Do you like folkloric snippets, by the way, James? I don't think I've ever asked you. I love a random collection of weird bits of folklore for you? Oh, I blooming hope so.

Do you like folkloric snippets, by the way, James? I don't think I've ever asked you. I love a snippet. Do you like snippets that come from up north? I'm not your first, you um. I didn't understand that. So I'm just going to plough on. That's great news because here in my little suitcase,

I have the denim tracks. That sounds like you're a travelling denim salesman. It does, it does. Well, it'll all make sense. So, James. Hello. Hello, Alistair. So?

Let's get the admin out of the way. How are you? Very well, thank you. How are you? There's no time for that, James. No, there isn't. I've got a story to tell you. Not quite a story, in fact. No? Not really a story, actually. More an utterly chaotic grab bag of folkloric facts and factoids.

Now you're talking my language. Yeah. I'm talking about the denim tracts. Denim? Don't get too excited. What? D-E-N, ham. Like a den of ham. Like where a pig would live.

Well, I'm still intrigued. The denim tracts are the work of Michael Azelby Denim, born in Gainsford, County Durham, which is between Darlington and Barnard. It's not a castle, castle. Yes. It has got a castle there, but it's not a castle. In itself, it's not a castle.

No. Just a coincidence of naming. Barnard Castle is a castle, and it's in Barnard Castle. And Barnard Castle is not a castle. Don't be ridiculous. But Barnard Castle is a town. Yes. Containing a castle called Barnard Castle.

I don't understand why I have to explain this. It's so clear. Like Castle Coombe. Denham was a merchant, and he was an avid folklorist, and he published over 50 pamphlets about folklore, mostly of the northern counties. A little bit of Scotland, a little bit of Yorkshire, quite a lot of County Durham. And they were later bound together and published in two volumes by the Folklore Society. Nice.

And I'm sure we will return to the denim tracks in a future episode because there's loads of stuff in there. But I have selected some choice cuts. Double denim. We're going to have double denim at some point. Don't get to what I have come up with as categories for the scores yet. Okay. Save it. I can't help or I'm thinking of the actor denim elliott i am visualizing

denim elliott yes even though again it's spelled differently what's he wearing quintuple denim which is a jacket trousers pants a denim tie and hat i think he's got denim cummerbund and a denim rough so here are some facts from the denim tracts nice Nice. You heard of sea urchins, James? Yeah, I've heard of sea urchins. You might know this, but I didn't know this. Did you know that hedgehogs used to be called urchin? No. Yeah, it all makes sense now, doesn't it?

I thought they were called boggle-ma-blogs or whatever it is. Hodmodods, yeah. Hodmodod. They used to be called urchins. They were urchins. Which makes sea urchin make a whole lot of sense. It does, because I've never had my pocket picked Which makes sea urchin make a whole lot of sense. It does, because I've never had my pocket picked by a sea urchin.

No, they're not like street urchins, exactly. Although I guess those little chaps can be quite prickly. They are prickly, yes. A relic of the old world times in the bishopric is that hedgehogs, or urchins as we call them, have still imputed to them the offence of sucking the milk of cows as they sleep. Now, is that the milk of cows as cows sleep or is it the milk of cows as hedgehogs sleep? Do they sleep suckle? Somnambulist milkers. We don't know. No. Denham says, I have endeavoured to dislodge the fable from the minds of several of the unlearned, but my endeavour to do so only tended to increase their olden faith. I've slipped from olden times man to olden times man from County Durham.

I don't know if that's obvious. It was a lovely slip. I've pivoted the accent. To be honest, in telling me that they don't do it, it has only made me think that they do it because I'd never heard about it before. No smoke without fire. That is an example. A lot of them are very short snippets.

Some of them are longer. Here's another short one. The puddening. Oh, yes, please. Now, it's not quite as horrific as the puddening sounds. Or delicious? Well, you decide. Is it a black puddening?

No, it's not. It's a ritual practice in the neighbourhood of Leeds. Leeds. The ceremony is called the pudding and the child which is subjected to the pudding is said to be puddined right and puddining is when a child first visits the house of a neighbor well you know a newborn child they are given an egg a handful of salt and a bunch of matches just like there you there you go, set yourself away. Just give him a Swiss Army knife

and some paraffin. Just as a little treat. That sounds like most of the things you're not supposed to give a baby. It does, doesn't it? Even an egg is not much use on its own. No, they'll make a mess. Denham says, there is no doubt that these three offerings are typical of the resurrection of the dead, the immortality of the

soul, and the lake that burneth. So I guess the egg is resurrection, salt is immortality, and the matches represent hell. Welcome to the house, kids! It does all fit. Now he says it, I do get it. That makes sense, yeah. I don't understand how a baby is supposed to understand that

while having matches flung at it. Or how is that a nice pudding? It's not a pudding, is it? It's not a nice pudding at all. A pudding made of eggs and salt. And match heads. The first two steps are delicious. A lovely egg, a little bit of salt, matches.

Mmm. It's not a pudding, though. Even one of your northern puddings that are savoury. No, it's not a pudding even by the standards of a Yorkshire pudding. Even a Yorkshireman would have to admit that ain't no pudding. Needs flour. God speed godspeed them wheel a character i think will appeal to you james that person's name no no uh john bowser oh no he was once the parish clerk of connor's cliff he was a basically a large turtle or dinosaur yes I'm glad we've established that because I don't understand this one.

So, John Bowser used on the first publication of A Bands of Marriage to pronounce the pretty little benison of God speed them well on the happy couple who, the moment before, were thrown over the church bulks. Pardon? Which I guess is a barrier, a bulk is a barrier, a wall. Yeah. As far as I can see, the vicar, the parish clerk,

would flip the married couple over a wall and say, good luck, Godspeed them will. Was the vicar Bowser? Yeah, what they should have done is jumped over him and landed on a little axe. Yes. And then da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da, wah-wah-wah-wah. All the graves disappear, yeah.

Into the lava. Ah. Who was the choir master? Wario? All he says is that whatever I just described invariably caused a smile and a blush, not only on the glowing visage of the clerk himself, but also that of the whole adult portion of his hearers. What are the kids making? Went over their heads, obviously.

I don't get it. Is it saucy? Is it a saucy joke? I just can't get over him bundling them over what are the bulk the books the books of a church i'm imagining the low wall that you get around a church yes me too and i'm imagining them standing there for a photo and then he rungs up going away the wheels and just sort of clothes lines them both over it yeah and they flip over like the footballers in a foosball table yes yes exactly right over and then he does lean back and wave his arms out and goes like the bowser then probably does a fireball i've got a nursery rhyme for you but i'm afraid it falls into a category that we occasionally touch upon in this podcast which is things that aren't rude and then probably does a fireball. I've got a nursery rhyme for you, but I'm afraid it falls into a category

that we occasionally touch upon in this podcast, which is things that aren't rude, but nonetheless to the modern ear. And I know you have at least one of those, James. I do. Sound rude. Oh. All right.

But I don't want to get us cancelled. Okay. Also, I've no idea what any of this means. So this is one of the nursery rhymes he collected. Brinky my nutty cock. Brink him away. My nutty cock's never been brinked today. What we're carding and spinning on wheel,

we've never had time to brink nutty cock wheel. But let tomorrow come ever so soon. My nutty cock, it shall be brinked by noon. And he's saying this to kids? Yep, that's a nutty... Come on, kids, gather round and hear about this guy's nutty cock. Let's get branking. Brank appears to be a verb.

It's something that you can do to the nutty cock. I don't know what it is. But he's not had it branked well today. Yeah, he certainly hasn't, but tomorrow should be sorted by noon. I believe nutty cock is a term of endearment, according to the footnote. Good. It better not be a threat, yeah. There's another case of excessive grief for the dead.

Oh, no. Yeah, you know what they're like in the North East. It's like, oh, come on! Do you know how to deal with that, though, if someone's overly grieving near a grave in a church? No, what's your secret? Just run up to them and go, whoa, a wheel, and pour them over the wall.

I've got to do it! Yeah. I just get them with a red shell. An old woman, still living in 1854, in Piercebridge, which is where Denham set up his shop eventually. An old woman still living who mourned with inordinate grief for a length of time the loss of a favourite daughter.

Seems quite unreasonable. Asserts that she was visited by the spirit. Shouldn't say one's a favourite, but carry on. A favourite, not the favourite. So she may have other favourites. Yeah, but there's definitely one that's like, all right. She was visited by the spirit of her departed child and earnestly exhorted not to disturb her peaceful repose

by unnecessary lamentations and repinings at the will of God. And from that time, she never grieved more. So she was really taking the mickey. The ghost had to appear and be like, give it a rest. Calm down. That is excessive grief. It would cure you, I guess, of the grief, though, because... You'd be like, oh, yeah, she's fine.

Doesn't that explain the whole concept of spiritualism and immortal solace? We just want to know people are okay, don't we? Maybe also it's a bit like, well, she's a bit rude. I won't be grieving her. Maybe you're not such a favourite. I'll take my grief elsewhere if it's not appreciated. Well, I won't read all of these,

but I have a collection of sundry Northern proverbs. Yes. And James, I'm sorry to say that some of them fall foul of words that weren't rude in the 19th century, but to our modern ears do sound a bit rude. Oh, no. I'll come in straight at number one. He's a ganger.

He's a ganger, willie pig's dick ass um do we have to bleep any of that i don't know i don't think we can it'll sound worse if we do because i remember there was a dick ass a dick ass that was the pelton brag wasn't it we've we had a dick ass in one of our earliest i think our first episode there was a dickass, and this is another one. And a dick of Tuesdays. A dick of Tuesdays is coming up later in this very episode. I ain't heard that phrase since a dick of Tuesdays. I don't know what a ganger is. A lot of these involve the names of specific people that you and I don't know, so I don't know whether they can really be proverbs.

But he's a ganger like who, Billy? He's a ganger, like Willie Pig's dickassanger like willie pig's dick ass it's a normal name willie pig this is the man's name and he's got a dick william pig and he has a dick ass i don't know why you're finding this so difficult to understand i'd yeah i mean wise words uh some of them make no sense whatsoever to me a bumble kite a spider int a bad bargain that's one a bumble kite a bumble kite a spider in it yeah a bad bargain i suppose so in a way yeah the next time you have a bad bargain say that may as well have bought a bumble kite with a spider in it this one number three is really good and i think we could genuinely use it you know when you get rung up like cold called

and they're trying to sell you something yes maybe allow them to do their pitch and go yeah sounds like you're trying to sell me a bumble kite with a spider in it not interested i'll pepper your rams and and i'll tell you what they'll hang up number three a really good one it's a hobbly road as the man said when he fell over a cow i honestly think we should bring that back because it makes sense like when someone makes a huge mistake but then tries to blame some some other thing for it it's like yeah it's a hobbly road as the man said when he fell over a cow that one's really good i mean all of these deserve a sniff at the end yep uh the next one

um i'm gonna read has uh as a name where the middle has been blanked out because obviously it was a real person so it's just P blank R Billy P blank R so I'm going to say Billy Piper as great a thief as Billy Piper who stole the bolt off his own door I do feel like this one could work even without knowing the guy

it's sure and certain said Jonathan Martin yeah that's good it's sure and certain though that's a. Yeah, that's good. It's sure and certain, though. That's a good, that's the, it's like a definitely maybe. It's like a Yogi Berra phrase. Oh, no, it's sure and certain, not sure and certain. Oh, well, that actually doesn't make any sense.

That's just some words. It's just Jonathan Martin's catchphrase. This one's even worse. Number 19 is a little of both as Harry Hodgson said. Who cares? Also, you can't get into a proverb

with a name like Harry Hodgson. You want to try a normal name like Willie Pig. Yes. These sound more like people's catchphrases

rather than proverbs. Like in that town everyone said that. Yeah. I've got one that I think maybe you could use. Go on. With a bit of an arm's fold.

Number seven in the list. I said nout, and I said nout, and they still took hold of my words. Ooh. Yeah, all right. Yeah, peppy your own rams. That's a bumpy road. Someone said when he fell over, Willie Pig's dick has, yeah.

I want to tell a little story from the collection. And that means popping over to Sewing Shields. Sewing Shields? Or the Castle of the Seven Shields, as Sir Walter Scott calls it. Nice. Now, Sewing Shields, if you look for it now, the best you can do is Turret 35A,

which is a Roman lookout tower on Hadrian's Wall. So you could say, don't look for it, it's not there. Well, I mean, there's... If you wanted to coin a proverb. Yeah, you could. I suppose, I suppose, don't look for it, it's not there, as James Shakespeare said. Nice.

There was a tower there, a sort of three-storey tower in the wall that was eventually demolished according to the the nearby information sign in the third century and then meanwhile coincidentally around sometime after that another tower of a very similar size was built slightly further away from the wall um now i and at least one other person i found on the internet think that they made the second tower out of the bricks and stones. I think they stole the tower, basically. And it became the castle of sewing shields,

which was by this time a ruin. And Denham quotes a different Hodgson, not Harry Hodgson, not the proverbial Harry Hodgson, but John Hodgson, John Hodgson wrote the history of Northumberland. And he tells a story of Sowing Shields Castle. And I'm going to read, I'm going to read this mostly in full because it's quite a good story. Of Sowing Shields Castle, Mr. Hodgson informs us that in his time, a square, low, lumpy mass of ruins overgrown with nettles still remains.

Its site is on the end of a dry ridge and overlooked from the south. I've moved into this is Mr. Hodgson's voice now. Okay. Overlooked from the south by the basaltic cliffs along the brow of which the Roman wall was built. That's what we'd call Hadrian's Wall. Ah.

There are also some traces of trenches near it. This is the castle referred to by Sir Walter Scott in the sixth canto of Harold the Dauntless as the Castle of the Seven Shields. Harold the Dauntless? Mm-hmm. Immemorial tradition has asserted that King Arthur, his Queen Guinevere, his court of lords and ladies, and his hounds were enchanted in some cave of the crags, or in a hall below the Castle of Sewing Shields, and would continue entranced there till someone should first blow a bugle horn that lay on a table near the entrance of the hall and then with the sword of the stone cut a garter also placed there beside it this is a legend that

you're probably familiar with that king arthur is just waiting to come back yes and it does apply to lots of locations but i particularly like the story attached to this one. I mean, that's a difficult password, isn't it? It is. There's two versions of it, and whether or not they actually explain, whether there's a tutorial explaining how to do it or not, is unclear.

None had ever heard where the entrance to this enchanted hall was till the farmer at Sewing Shields, about 50 years since, was sitting knitting on the ruins of the castle, and his clue, so that means a clue as in a ball of twine yarn. Right. The origin of the modern word clue. That's a good little etymology corner there. How?

Well, because you follow a thread, don't you? A bundle of thread. A clue is a little bit like that. You tug on a clue and it takes you somewhere, like if you're going through the labyrinth. So, yeah. Yeah. Unexpectedly dropped into etymology corner there.

Nicely done, nicely done. Oh, can I just backtrack then to when you said since the time memorial? Yeah. Because it turns out the time memorial does refer to, like, I think it's either King Arthur time or or a thousand a.d oh is it a specific time time yeah there is actually time immemorial is a specific time that's annoying isn't it so when people say time immemorial they're not being figurative oh i didn't know that let me just double check oh maybe someone lied to me classic littlemen research there oh no um it's a legal phrase defined as existing before the start

of richard i's reign in 8 1189 there you go 1189 so it's to do with the magna carta it was the first time the old magna carta since the time memorial anyway full in the faith that the entrance to king arthur's hall was now discovered he cleared the briary portal of its weeds and rubbish, and entering a vaulted passage followed, in his darkling way, the thread of his clue. The floor was infested with toads and lizards, and the dark wings of bats, disturbed by his unhallowed intrusion, flitted fearfully about him. At length, his sinking courage was strengthened by a dim, distant light, which as he advanced, grew gradually brighter, till at once he entered a vast and vaulted hall in the center of which a fire without fuel from a broad crevice in the floor blazed with a high and lambent flame that showed all the carved walls and fretted

roof and the monarch and his queen and court reposing around in a theater of thrones and costly couches oh it sounds a bit like an SES showroom. Yeah. On the floor beyond the fire lay the faithful and deep-toned pack of 30 couple of hounds. Is 30 couple 60? I don't know. I don't know.

I've never heard the phrase. And on a table before it, the spell-dispelling horn, sword, and garter. The shepherd reverently but firmly grasped the sword, and as he drew it leisurely from its rusty scabbard the eyes of the monarch and his courtiers began to open it doesn't make that noise i've just added that no okay and they rose till they sat upright he cut the garter and as the sword was being slowly sheathed the spell assumed its ancient power and they all gradually sank to rest but not before the monarch had lifted up his eyes and

hands and exclaimed oh woe betide that evil day on which this witless white was born who drew the sword the garter cut but never blew the bugle horn it's only supposed to blow the bugle first and then the other things you are supposed to do all of them. Oh, dear. But, James, now this is just my theory. Yes. Like, if you and I were adapting that, if we were making the movie of that, do you know what that sounds like to me?

I don't think that's King Arthur's Hall. I think that is a crashed alien spaceship that he went into. Because don't you think the crew, all in suspended animation oh lit by a strange you know a heatless fire glowing illuminating their expensive chairs yes yeah it's a crashed spaceship it is i assume when they opened their eyes they were like glowing blue are you going down the ulysses route? Yeah, all the bodies.

Yeah, exactly. The way back home has been erased from my memory banks. They're kind of floating. Father. You're alive, my son. Father. Vous êtes vivant. Anyway.

Just we know, le petit robot. I'm a Ulysses. This is not the first time we have said all the words we can remember from Ulysses in both English and French on the podcast. Oh, is it a TNG? Are we talking Star Trek TNG? Did one of the knights have like a visor? Could have, could have, yeah. Yeah, King Arthur would be Patrick Stewart. Yes. I'll do the, oh, woe betide, in a different way. Oh, woe betide that evil day on which

this witless wank was born, et cetera, et cetera. You're only supposed to blow the horn. on which this witless wank was born, et cetera, et cetera. You're only supposed to blow the horn. Another version of it, recorded by Denham, tells pretty much the same story, but ends with the king,

or as he puts it, the grisly veteran, starting up on his elbow and raising his half-unwilling eyes, telling the staggered hind that if he would blow the horn and draw the sword, he would confer upon him the honours of knighthood to last through time but such unheard of dignities from a source so ghastly either met with no appreciation from the awe-stricken swain

or the terror of finding himself alone in the company it might be of malignant phantoms who were only tempting him to his ruin became too urgent to be resisted and therefore proposing to divide the peril with a comrade, he groped his darkling way as best his quaking limbs could support him back to the blessed daylight. He got very scared. On his return with a reinforcement of strength and courage,

every vestige of the opening of a cavern was obliterated. Thus failed another of the repeated opportunities for releasing the spellbound King of Britain from the charmed sleep of ages. Within his rocky chamber, he still sleeps on, as tradition tells, till the appointed hour. The KOB and the SOV. Yep. Now I've got one more snippet for you, which is titled, Ghosts Never Appear on Christmas Eve! Oh. It's got an exclamation mark. Oh, I think Dickens might have a bone to pick with that. It mentions that those born on Christmas Day cannot see spirits, which is another incontrovertible fact,

which I suppose is technically true, because nobody can see spirits, because they aren't real. Well. Well, now, this is how I stumbled upon the denim tracks, thanks to Paul Anthony Jones, the blogger who blogs and tweets as Haggard Hawks, who occasionally goes viral sharing an extremely long list of fairies, which appears in the Denham Tracts.

Now, you know, James, that I am above cramming loads of names into a story just to score well. Hold on. So with that in mind, I would like to read in full the four-page-long list of fairy names that appears in this book. Now, maybe the Patreons get the full list. You might need to just do a sort of crossfade in the edit, because it is long. But some of them will be friends of the show.

Yes. So, you know, gird your... Loin your girdles. Loin your girdles, James. For this... Oh, by the way, it's not alphabetical. Every so often,

like a W will appear and you think, oh, we're nearly at the end and then you're back to the Bs. No. Okay. Here is a very long list of spooky creatures

from the Denim Tracts. Ghosts, boggles, bloody bones, spirits, demons, ignis fatui, warlocks, mock beggars, mum pokers. Very popular with the mums. Lads. Jemmy Berties, urchins,

hobby lanterns, Dicker Tuesdays, yes. Dicker Tuesdays, friend of the podcast. Yes, thank you. Elf fires, Gil Burntail, old shocks, o Tuesdays, friend of the podcast. Yes, thank you. Elfires, Gil Burntail, Old Shocks, Oofs, Pixies, Picktrees, obviously the same word. Tom Pokers, very popular with the Toms. Tootgots, Snapdragons, Sprets, Spunks, Succubuses.

Popular with the buses. Shadows, Banshees, Leanne Hanshees, Clabbernappers, the Gabriel Hounds. And that is just, I think that's only one of the lists. What? Leanne Hanshies Clabbernappers The Gabriel Hounds Yeah Oh That is just I think that's only one of the lists What? I think there is a rumour

that Tolkien may have taken his hobbits from this list and also a lot of the things in this list don't appear elsewhere so some people think

a little bit of Ruth L. Tunging might have been going on Popular with the Ruths So that James is a mere glance at the denim tracts. That is a lovely glance at some denim. It's meaty. What a meaty glance.

Now, I'm aware that you're a busy man. Would you like to move into the scoring section? I'm ready. Our first category for you is supernatural. Right. And I remind you that I just listed about 500 monsters. You did? move into the scoring section i'm ready our first category for you is supernatural right and i remind you that i just listed all about 500 monsters you did so that's definitely good i it has slightly mind wiped me to anything else that happened i had so many names i it pushed

every other bit of information out my head before that i we had king ar Arthur in a state of suspended animation. King actual Arthur. I said Arthur there as if he was a geezer. Arthur. We had the branking of the nutty cock. Oh, yes. We had John Bowser, a vicar, who just will absolutely deck you. Violent vicar.

We had the buddening. And we had the nocturnal milk theft of the hedgehog. That could be natural for all we know. That could be natural. But how would they... The udders are too high. And they can't give each other a bunk. Too many spines.

Yeah, that's the sound of two hedgehogs giving each other a backer. I mean, you can't... I can't argue with a million nymphs, demons, elves and goblins. No, no. No, you can't. So I'm going to go four. Four?

I gave you King Arthur. Well, because you said that some people couldn't see ghosts. All right. All right, I take the four. If King Arthur had turned to dust, though. Well, he couldn't see ghosts. All right. All right, I take the four. If King Arthur had turned to dust, though, whew. Well, he couldn't be found. No, the cave turned to rock, which is like a big dust.

Yeah, that's what dust's made of, is it? Don't know. My second category for you is names. Yes. Naming. All right. Okay, then. Just to let the listener know, i am sitting back confidently at this point

even non-patreon listeners will know that we had some names in this hue baby that was a long list of names the hue baby was not one of them but it could easily have been one of them could have been for all some of them just noises some of them were clearly the same word, spelt differently. So one of them was just oof. Oof. O-U-P-H. Oof. Oof. I was wondering as we were going on why you weren't making more of some of the names

that were cropping up. You know, like a Harry Hodgson. I didn't even need to dwell on Willie Pig because I knew that mum pokers were in my back pocket. And the rest. And Tom Pokers. And the rest. And Tom pokers and all the rest. So, yes, it's a five. Thank you.

It's a well-earned five. And my third category is names again. Have you spelled it slightly differently? No, yeah, no, it's gnomes. Gnomes. Because I think just there's so many names there. I just feel like I need to be scored twice because it's worth more than five.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It was like for the Patreon people as well, like he deserves more, doesn't he? Yes. So, all right. I don't like the precedent I'm setting. Okay, all right.

But it is another five. Yes! Because there were just so many. Yep. Well, you have rewarded my bad behaviour there. You've reinforced. Oh, that's a silly idea, isn't it? Oh, that's terrible parenting.

My final category for you. It's not double denim, because then you would just say two. Because denim did not produce only only two tracks he produced over 50 tracks we're talking multi denim multodenim yes say in spain multodenim multodenim yeah there's a lot of denim in there denim trackies as well sounds like a very impractical exercise outfit. Yeah. Oh, I mean, yeah, this is bedenimed. It's a patchwork of denim.

Thank you. Which is a compliment. Yeah, it's a quintuple denim. It's got to be five out of five for denim. Thank you. I can't fault you on the amount of denim. Thank you. Thank you very much.

for denim. Thank you. I can't fault you on the amount of denim. Thank you. Thank you very much. I can't get over that, how pernickety, just pedantic King Arthur was. Someone's got in there and he's trying to wake up King Arthur. They probably need to get, they've got

a King Arthur type situation going on. Yeah, it's an emergency. Whereas he's like, oh, you didn't blow the horn. Is he played by Ringo Starr? Yes, yes he was. Yeah, it's an emergency. Whereas he's like, oh, you didn't blow the horn. Like, what sort of password project? Is he played by Ringo Starr? Yes, yes, he was. Oh, woe betide that evil day. Oh, yes.

On which this witless wight was born. Not even the best bugle blower in the Beelings. There you have it, James, the Denham Tracts. A collection of pamphlets that seem to have been written for this podcast, which somehow have gone unmentioned for four series. Unbelievable. That's the thing I've realised about this podcast. It can never end.

There's always more pamphlets. Just unlimited pamphlet. James, what if you wanted more of this? Oh, there's a whole wealth of bonus back episodes on patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod. BBEs? Bonus back episodes? Yeah, a bunch of BBEs. So, triple BBEs.

BBBEs. BBBEs. Sound like the robot from Black Rogers now. Oh, right. That was a robot, was it? Yeah, that was a robot. That's like when you do your password, it's like, oh, you didn't use a special character.

Like, hmm. I'm not going to remember it, because I don't normally have a special character in my normal passwords. It does seem a bit snippy of King Arthur. Or just have a sign explaining the order. It does sound like he's very deeply asleep, King Arthur, because he's barely even opening his eyes. He's like, oh, if you come back in 10, 15 minutes minutes i'll go down and make your breakfast i'm starting

to blend this into my own um personality on the weekends is this where your boy's waking you up yeah go pop the tally on for a bit and then i'll come down and make your toast well you didn't blow the bugle horn