Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep4: Loremen S4 Ep4 - The Legend of Ticonderoga

Episode Date: June 23, 2022

Alasdair brings out the big Scottish guns: Ranald McDanald AND Donald McRonald and shares the tales of two Scotsmen who fought on opposing sides at the Battle of Cullodden.  Donald Ban of the Bogan wound up haunted by a ghostly Sid James, while Duncan Campbell of Inverawe was cursed to live in fear of a mysterious place - "Ticonderoga". For further reading, look up Speculoos biscuits and the back catalogue of David Bowie (the hydroelectric power station manager). Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And we've got a little treat for you, James. Yeah? Recorded on the hottest day of the year, I take you to the Drich and windswept hills of the Highlands Ooh Which is also an opportunity for some proper 1970s radio accents

Yes So apologies in advance to Scottish people and surprisingly Australians Yeah, the Australian guy that wandered into my room while I was recording Yes, do look out for a cameo from a genuine Australian man. An actual Australian. It's the Scottish legend of Ticonderoga. Ticonderoga. How are you, James?

I've had a wonderful day so far. I've got the house completely to myself, and I've had a cup of tea and a couple of Speculoos biscuits. Speculoos. I know the name, but I can't picture them. You may inaccurately know them as Biscoffs. That's really judgmental of you, but you were right. I do know them as Biscoffs. Is that what Speuloos is? Yeah. You've got a speculoos to a cumulus. For some reason, on the continent, they're called speculoos,

but we can't be trusted with that word in this country. They won't let us have the word speculoos. So they're called lotus biscuits here. Lotus biscuits? Yeah. Doesn't that imply that you lose your memory when you eat them, like eating lotuses? I've never eaten a lotus.

Well, you shouldn't, but if you had had you wouldn't remember because they erase your memory and that's what happens to um odysseus's men in the odyssey how did anyone get back oh someone just saw someone else do it and was like all right yeah that's how that happens the rest of them didn't yes you know all of these guys sinbad they go through a lot of crews yeah they survive but not so much the crew. They're always getting turned into pigs and forgetting their memories and stuff. You might want to forget if you got turned into a pig. I'd love to be a pig. A pig in S? Well, yeah, I mean, pigs always... You'd be like a pig in S.

Pigs always look like they're having a great time. I think they look pretty filthy. Yeah, but they look like they like it. They look like they're enjoying it. I think they're always looking around for a bit of underneath the mud that's clean, maybe. Like, this bath is filthy. I'm almost dirtier now.

I'm going to keep going, though. Yeah, but I don't know why we can't be trusted with the word speculus, because it means I can't do my speculus to accumulus joke as much as I'd want to. No, no, it takes a lot of prep. And I now realise this whole intro was based on enabling you to do that. Yeah, yeah, that's why I started recording. I'm just sending out another poll about what people call the ends of a loaf of bread. Yeah.

Because I did, I mean, we need to get to the bottom of this. Do we? Like pigs? Yeah, like a pig. Hoping that something will come from getting deeper and deeper into this question. It's just more mud. Some people call them heels. Heels, I like that. I do not like that. I think that is disgusting.

I mean, it's wrong. It's not right, obviously, but it sounds good. But it's also made me realise that crust is quite a grim word for food. Crust. Yeah. Every piece of bread has some crust. So you can't just call those the crusts, can you? Have I broached my opinions on brioche with you before? I don't know.

I think this might have something to do with why you famously are French-averse. Yeah? Is it to do with the brioche? Yeah. Basically, a Frenchman went, I want to eat cake, but I want people to think I'm eating bread. Let me eat cake, are you saying? Yes. Yes.

Let me eat cake. Laissez-moi manger le gâteau. Every time I think we can't speak French and every time we get there and speak perfect French. I know. How do we do it? It's a certain... Yeah, you can get vegan brioche, but it's not easy. That's

just bread. Brioche is just a cake, mate. You just made a cake. Yep, yep. Well, James, are you ready to party like it's roughly 1899? Yes. Good. I've discovered a book recently. Oh, yeah. It's Andrew Lang's Book of Dreams

and Ghosts. Oh, yeah. It's Andrew Lang's Book of Dreams and Ghosts. Oh, that's good. Because there can be some crossover. There is a huge crossover. And it's very honest of Andrew Lang to include dreams in the title, because a lot of them are dreams. Has he sort of got round it by just calling the book Dreams and Ghosts and then not saying which ones are dreams and which ones are ghosts?

He's actually very modern and scientific in his approach to it. Essentially, he's saying the ghosts are probably hallucinations, mass hallucinations. We don't quite know how they work. He's not saying they are the spirits of the dead. However, he obviously is quite interested because he wrote loads of books about hauntings. And there's loads more stories than the ones I'm going to tell you today. So I'm sure we're going to come back to Andrew Lang's writing in future episodes. Excellent. Not least because he wrote a book called Common Sense and Cock Lane. Lovely. About the famous Cock Lane ghost. But that's another story.

I thought it was like dreams and ghosts. Like sometimes it's common sense, sometimes it's Cock Lane. I wanted to tell you sense, sometimes it's cock lane. I wanted to tell you a couple of Highland ghost stories. The main story will be the story of Ticonderoga. Ticonderoga. Yeah, that doesn't sound like a Scottish word. No. And it isn't.

But first, just to warm you up, just to get the cockles greased. Grease those cockles, James. Yeah, I'm tipping out my pint of cockles. Yeah. And scraping the ones out the bottom. And then what, are we just going to pour oil on them? Ideally, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little bit of olive oil.

Okay. Perhaps a sprig of parsley. Okay, that's all right then. I'd like to tell you about Donald Ban of the Boken. Pardon? Donald Ban of the Boken. The Boken. Or I'm going to attempt the Gaelic, possibly something like Don Van a Voken.

The Boken is perhaps similar to the Manx Bugain. Ah. It's a goblin. It's an evil spirit. Not the Northern Irish Boke to Boak. No. Which is to throw up. Which is to hoo.

No. Or the Australian Bogan. Oh, mate. Which I think is a classist slur, I think. Like chav, no, or the Australian bogan. Oh, mate. Which I think is a classist slur, I think, like chav, isn't it? Or redneck. I do believe so, mate. Thank you for bringing an Australian on to answer that question. Yeah, that's good, but cheers for that.

No worries, mate. I'm going to go back to Australia. I travelled all the way just for this little bit of interaction, which is why I'm trying to build up my part right now, mate. Stay for a while and get a job working behind a bar for a couple of months while you're here. Oh, you're just like everyone else. That's pretty xenophobic.

I didn't even mention barbecues. I specifically didn't mention barbecues the whole time. Oh, mate, you've really upset me there. And at this time when we're at a period of national mourning for neighbours. It's so inconsiderate of me. I'm really, really sorry. No worries, mate. All right.

Good day to you. See you. Donald Mann belonged to the house of Kepoch, which you will remember from the Well of the Seven Heads episode. Well of the Seven Heads. You, I think, were particularly keen on a member of the Kapok family, Ronald MacDonald. Ronald, yes.

And this is the main reason I'm telling you about Donald Banner the Boken. He had a friend who was said to have two hearts. That friend's name? Donald MacRonald. What? Yep. Let's just rip off Donald MacRonald biscuit. What? Yep. They just do... They just rip off... Donald McDonald.

Biscuit. Did you play that game? That hand slap game? Two hearts. I've got a boyfriend, a biscuit. He's such a cute little biscuit. It was mainly a girl's game. You're going out with a biscuit.

Ice cream soda with a cherry on the top. Ice cream soda with a cherry on the top. Down, down, baby. Down by the rollercoaster. Sweet, sweet baby. I'll never let you go. Shimmy soda with the cherry on the top. Down, down, baby, down by the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, I'll never let you go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, pie. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop.

Shimmy, shimmy, pie. Pow, wow, ice cream. It was mainly a hand-based thing. You can't really see the hand gestures I'm doing. Are you okay? Is the heat getting to you? James, what happened, though? I fear you've entered a fugue state.

Is that what girls were singing in the playground with their bits of elastic, with the booby traps? You know, those sorts of symmetrical hand slap games. Slap, slap. Ah. Is that some sort of elaborate kung fu? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's like Tai Chi.

Ah. It's like that Brazilian one. It's a form of dance,. It's like that Brazilian one. It's a form of dance, but it's actually a martial art. And it was so they could practice martial arts, but people would be like, oh, no, I'm dancing. And then the master will just shout things like, Cocoa pop, shimmy, shimmy pie.

Ice cream. And then you do the move that's the appropriate move. Yes, cherry on the top. Hit someone in the face. That's just a straight punch in the face. It's not very elegant that one so he had a yeah so he had a friend

called Donald MacDonald Donald MacDonald he's not in the story I just couldn't skip him and Pam Hergola and his wife unfortunately was not

called Pam she was a McGregor oh children of the mist style McGregor children of the mist so Donald he survived the battle of Culloden,

but having fought on the side of the Jacobite Rebellion, it was thrown in prison in Inverness. He made it out though. And after his release, he found himself troubled by a Bocan. I know I said it was like a sort of goblin or monster. It's depicted as sort of like a horrible little creature. But really what we're talking about here is a classic poltergeist. Oh no, one of the poltergeists.

Absolutely. He got a poltergeist. Oh no, one of the poltergeists. Absolutely, he got a poltergeist. They thought it might be the spirit of one of his gillies or servants who had been killed at Culloden. I'm quoting from Andrew Lang here. Their reason for believing this was that on one occasion, the man in question had given away more to a poor neighbour than Donald was pleased to spare. Bit of a stereotype about Scottish people being stingy there.

Donald found fault with him, and in the quarrel that followed, the man said, I will be avenged for this, alive or dead. Ooh. But he continued to be his servant until his death at the Battle of Culloden. Until he was ordered to his death. Dead at Culloden's field. Donald first ran into the Boken out on the hill,

but he soon came to closer quarters and haunted the house in a most annoying fashion. He injured the members of the household and destroyed all the food, being especially given to dirtying the butter. Oh, do not dirty my butter, sir. Not the butter. On one occasion, a certain Ronald of Aberrardere was a guest in Donald's house and Donald's wife said, Though I put the butter on the table for you tonight, it will just be dirtied. And Ronald said, I will go with you to the butter keg with my dirk in my hand and hold my bonnet over the keg.

Beg your pardon? My dirk in my hand means holding a knife. Ah, okay. The two went together to fetch the butter, but it was dirtied as usual. Okay. Big dirirk energy. He's coming in with some big Dirk energy for this butter guy. What are you going to do, Ronald of Aberaerde?

Stab a ghost? Good luck. You sound like a very posh tech for the tour of the Swedish band, ABBA. And you're asking, is Aberaerde? If Aberaerde, can they come to the stage? So he did all kinds of standard poltergeist stuff, throwing things, rattling the beds. It once grabbed a local minister by the toes and he couldn't move. Grabbed him by the toes?

By the big toes, yeah. Couldn't move. But it was quite a misogynistic ghost, and it loved nothing more than insulting Mrs. Donald. It would hunker down on the roof at night and taunt them through the roof. And it would shout, Put out that long, great tether, the McGregor wife. It would try and encourage him to kick his wife out, but he didn't agree to kick his wife out at the behest of a ghost. Good. The ghost eventually gave up and then called him out into the night,

and Donald decided to follow. Uh-oh. Donald then went outside and the Bokan led him on through rivers and a birch wood for about three miles till they came to the river Furt. Hee-hee.

There the Bokan pointed out to Donald a hole in which he had hidden some plough irons when he was alive. Donald proceeded to take them out and while doing so, the two eyes of the Bokan were causing him greater fear than anything else he ever heard or saw.

Oh. When he had got the irons out of the hole, they went back to Monacy, which is the name of the place where he lived, and parted that night at the house of Donald Ban. The end. The classic, go and get some plough irons out of a hole, denouement, tying everything together

in a really coherent way. Got some unfinished plough iron business. Yeah, basically, sometimes ghosts will linger around because they've way. Got some unfinished plough iron business. Yeah. Basically, sometimes ghosts will linger around because they've got a bit of a plough. Because of an important plough. Although maybe there is a little bit of traditional magic in there because iron famously banishes fairies and spirits. So maybe there's a little bit of that. It's not a very good ending.

But don't worry. I mainly told you that because of Donald MacDonald. Donald MacDonald. Donald MacDonald. I'm now going to segue into an almost contemporaneous Highland story, which I think is an absolute classic banger. Ooh, all righty. It's the story of Ticonderoga. Ticonderoga.

Disambiguation. I am not telling you about the plague ship Ticonderoga, which set off from Liverpool in 1852, overloaded with passengers. They put too many passengers on it, many of them from the Scottish Highlands, a lot of them children. By the time that ship arrived in Victoria, Australia, it was flying a yellow flag and 100 passengers were dead of typhus. Oh, mate. Oh, guys, you're not going to be able to come into port here. You can't even bring an apple in, let alone typhus. Oh, mate. Oh, guys, you're not going to be able to come into port here. You can't even bring an apple in, let alone Typhus. So I'm not telling you about the plague ship Ticonderoga.

Fine, don't. I won't, actually. Don't then. If that's all right with you, James. I'll strike that from the record. We begin near the Falls of Cruachan on Ben Cruachan, or Cruachan Mountain. Ben means mountain. Of course it does. Like Ben Nevis or Ben Kingsley. A lot of people Cruichen Mountain. Ben means mountain. Of course it does.

Like Ben Nevis or Ben Kingsley. A lot of people don't know he's half mountain. Ben Cruichen is known today as the Hollow Mountain. Can you guess why? Probably some of them flat earther people. Yeah, you think it's full of old Adolf Hitler and some dinosaurs, Nazi dinosaurs. Yeah, it's full of old Adolf Hitlers.

This is where we keep the spare Adolf Hitlers. These are way out of date. Do you know what? Don't chuck it away. Just pop it in that hollow mountain up in Scotland. No, the reason why it's called the hollow mountain is that it was hollow. It was hollowed out.

Ah. For Kröken Hydroelectric Power Station. Oh. It was hollowed out in the 1950s by the Tunnel Tigers. What? Who were not tigers. Oh, I thought this was like some sort of genetically modified beast. Kind of a cross between a mole and a tiger.

Yeah. Claws of a mole, strength of a tiger. Exactly. We could hollow out this mountain if only we had bigger moles. Would that they had used that method because, obviously obviously drilling a big hole in the 1950s, there were mostly immigrant labourers, lots of them Irish, blasting out holes in absolutely nightmarish conditions, which is very sad. Yes.

On the upside, I heard about Kröken because I watched an interview with the hydro manager, whose name is David Bowie. What? Yep. He's talking about hydroelectricity. Yes. This is where I keep all my old Adolf Hitlers. He was sort of into that stuff for a bit.

I was just waving when I came into Victoria. This is Bowie played by Harry H. Corbett. It's not libelous. Oh, David Bowie. That was my impression of Wilfred Bramble. You dirty old man who sold the world. Oh, very good. Very good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's the year 1755. Campbell of Inveraugh, first name Donald, obviously. Okay, yeah. Donny Campbell. They're all called that. If it's not Donald, it's Ronald. That's the catchphrase for that burger chain, isn't it?

Yeah, that was the slogan for the Highlands. If he's no Donald, he's a Ronald. Oh, no, I tell a lie. His name was actually Duncan. Oh. He had a stepbrother called Donald. And Campbell of Inveraul was also a survivor of Culloden. But on the other side,

as a border of the English King George. Alive on Culloden's field. And I'm reading again from the book. It was one evening in the summer of the year 1755 that Campbell of Inveraure was on Cruachan Hillside. He was startled by seeing a man coming towards him at full speed, a man ragged, bleeding and evidently suffering agonies of terror.

The Avengers of blood are on my track. Oh, save me. The poor wretch managed to gasp out. Inveraure, filled with pity for the miserable man, swore, By the word of an Inveror, which never feel friend or foe yet, to save him. Inveror then led the stranger

to a secret cave on Cruachan Hillside. Oh. Which is actually a celebrity cave. Really? Because supposedly it was where Wallace and Bruce

had hidden out in years gone by. Wallace and Gromit. So it's Robert the Bruce and Wallace from The Wire. Yeah. So you know in that Where's Wallace at scene? That's where's Robert the Bruce And Wallace from The Wire Yeah So you know in that Where's Wallace at scene

That's where he was Where's Wallace Where's Wallace Where's Wallace at Gromit He's not talking Sorry for Americans Waldo And Bruce

Spoiler they're in a cave Yeah Wallace is of course The famous Australian National hero Played by Mel Gibson Oh yes mate Robert the Bruce. Give me my freedom, mate. Is that why he's called Robert the Bruce?

Because of his Australian friends? I'm going to call you Bruce, Robert. Classic Python reference there. The nerds who listen to this podcast will appreciate that. No worries, mate. I'm going to go get back in there on that airplane back to Australia. Off you pop. See you later.

G'day. So Campbell left the sniveling runaway in the cave and went home. And when he got home, he found a stranger in his house who had come with a warning. One named McNiven had murdered Campbell's beloved foster brother and fled the scene. We have, said he, tracked the murderer to within a short distance of this place, and I am here to warn you in case you should seek your protection. Awkward. Yeah.

He's in a bind now. Yeah. He can't break his word. He's an inveror. He had no choice but to keep the murderer hidden. But it's his own foster brother. Yeah, yeah. But he'd made a promise.

What would you do, James? I'm an only child but do you not think of me as like a foster brother what if i had been murdered but you promised to protect the murderer what would you do i don't know if i'd show them around celebrity caves celebrity hideouts you wouldn't take them to the celebrity hideout no you wouldn't take them to the secret hollow mountain dr evil style there i wouldn't show them to the Celebrity Hideout. No. You wouldn't take them to the secret hollow mountain Dr. Evil style lair. I wouldn't show them my old Hitlers. You can't take them to the tip. You've got to pay.

Council won't take them. They absolutely won't. It's got to be the right bags. Inverall was a man of his word. He had no choice but to keep the murderer hidden. So he took him some food and promised to return tomorrow. As soon as he reached home... He didn't need to do that.

Well, he made a promised look after him, though. Right. As soon as he reached home, he retired to rest, but sleep he could not. So, taking up a book, he began to read. A shadow fell across the page. He looked up and saw his foster brother standing by the bedside. But oh, how changed! His fair hair clotted with blood, his face pale and drawn, and his garments all gory.

Oh. He uttered the following words, and drawn, and his garments all gory. Oh. He uttered the following words, Inveror, shield not the murderer. Blood must flow for blood, and then faded away out of sight. The next day, Inveror, still a man of his word,

took him some food again, and that night the ghost appeared again and said the same thing. He gave the same warning. So Campbell's tearing his hair out. The next morning he goes and he tells McNiven, I can shield you no longer. You must escape as best you can. But he still doesn't turn him in. Now Campbell,

he thinks he's sorted it out. He thinks that will be the end of the night. That night, the specter of his foster brother appears to him once again and says, I have warned you once. I have warned you twice.

It is too late now. We shall meet again at Ticonderoga. Ticonderoga. And Campbell was like, what? I've literally never heard of that. What is that? You mean the Plague Ship from the Future? The Plague Ship from the Future. That's clearly named

after the thing that is going to happen later in this story. What? That's complete nonsense to a Highlander in 1755. He couldn't possibly have known what that meant. He didn't know what that meant. And several years pass until the French and Indian War kicks off, which is not a very well-remembered war.

That was when colonies of the British and the French were fighting to see which of the colonial powers was the most annoying. I think we won, but I'm not sure. Inveraure, along with a load of other Highlanders, finds himself fighting for the king once again in North America. He served under General Grant, Laird of Ballandala, and Major General Abercrombie. Ah, from the clothing line.

From the line of clothing, yes. And Admiral Uniqlo. They were all there. He was charged with laying siege to a French encampment by the name of Fort Carillon on Lake George. Now, everyone knew that Inveraure lived in fear of whatever Ticonderoga was. And the legend is that General Grant knew full well that Fort Carillon was known to the Native American Iroquois people as the place where waters meet, or Ticonderoga. Ticonderoga.

Ticonderoga. Oh, no. The fight didn't go well for Inveraure. The loss sustained by the regiment was as follows. Eight officers, nine sergeants, and 297 men killed. 17 officers, 10 sergeants, and 306 men wounded. Inveraure, after having fought with the greatest courage, received at length his death wound. Colonel Grant hastened to the dying man's side,

who looked reproachfully at him and said, You deceived me. This is Ticonderoga. For I have seen him. Inveraure never spoke again, and his son, who was an officer in the same regiment, also lost his life at Ticonderoga. On the very day that these events were happening in faraway America, two ladies,

Miss Campbell of Edirne and her sister, were walking from Kilmallyu to Inverary and had reached the then new bridge over the Array. One of them happened to look up at the sky. She gave a call to her sister to look also. They both of them saw in the sky what looked like a siege going on. They saw the different regiments with their colours and recognised many of their friends among the Highlanders. They saw Inveraure and his son fall. The well-known Danish physicist Sir William Hart was,

together with an Englishman and a servant, walking around the castle of Inveraure. These men saw the same phenomena and confirmed the statements made by the two ladies. So, when the news of Inveraure's death finally arrived in the Highlands, James, it was already well known.

Oh, spoiler. Yeah, a bit of a... Oh, yeah, we know. Don't tell me what happens in a battle. You didn't want to be standing on the banks of Loch Orr around about the time

that The Sixth Sense was released. No. Is what I'm saying because that sky does not give warnings. Spoiler sky. The sky's like, Bruce Willis is in it.

He plays a ghost. It's not important. Sorry, I forgot about your funny ones. Very much like the sky over in Varroa. Yes. So that is, I think you'll agree, the chilling tale of Ticonderoga. Ticonderoga. Also recorded as a ballad, I think, by friend of the podcast, Robert Louis Stevenson.

Oh, Bobby Louis S. Bubbles. Bobby Louis Steves. That was chilling. I think it was quite spooky. I was making an effort to really spook up the Scottish voices. Oh, I hope that helped. Oh, no.

I'm a wee bit scared here. Don't take me to Taekwondo Roga. It's a tiny little Scottish child. It's a wee Scottish lady. It's the character I used to check the coverage of my phone insurance once. Is she an associate of Neil Ion? She's worked in similar offices, yes. Nell McIon.

I don't think she ever had a name. I borrowed her a couple of times once. Borrowed her from the spirit realm. Yeah. Once it was because I'd got my phone wet and I wanted to check if it was still covered on its warranty or something. I thought if I just rang up and said, I've got my phone wet, is it covered? They'd be like, no, no. And we're writing down on our records that your phone is wet.

Yeah, because you can't then add phone wetness cover. Exactly. If it's already wet. That's not how insurance works. Exactly. So I thought, OK, I'll ring up and pretend to be someone else. And I want them to really explain it to me like I was a little Scottish old lady. So you Madame Doubtfire the situation.

Exactly. I've dropped my phone in my tea. Is it still covered by the warranty? It's got tea all inside it. It's not got sugar on it, though, so it should be okay. A wee bit of speculus might have got into the microphone port. Oh, you'd know them as biscoffs, inaccurately. You know what?

I always say you've got tea speculus, tea accumulus. Now we see the real reason that you found them up. To use your speculus to accumulus, Joe. Neil Ion would chuck that in as well. You know, I always say you've got to speculus. What do you say, Neil? You've got to speculus to accumulus, and it doesn't work. He'd be into crypto, wouldn't he, Neil Ion?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've got a new, it's called the Biscoff Bitcoin. You want to buy some off me? You want to buy a little crumb of my Biscoin? I'm calling it Biscoin, but on the continent it's called Speculute. Are you ready to pass judgment on my Highland Ghosts? Oh, okay. Sorry, that's Scots for oh, yes. Oh, thank you. Thank you for explaining that tos? Oh, okay. Which is, sorry, that's Scots for oh, yes.

Oh, thank you. Thank you for explaining that to me. Oh, yes. Are you ready to do the new, which is Scots for now? Oh, I thought it was new. Oh, yes, the new. I thought it was like how they're like up for innovation in Scotland. Oh, okay, the new.

The slogan for the tartan Silicon Valley. It's more like the start of a Fat Boy Slim song. It's like, oh, okay, the new, the slogan for the tartan Silicon Valley. It's more like the start of a fat boy slim song. It's like, oh yes, right now. The Scottish version of that song goes,

right here, the new, right here, the new, superstar DJ. Here we go. Obviously, to be clear,

like the way the Irish people don't say top of the morning to you, Scottish people do not say oh hi, the new. Oh yes, the now.

Because it doesn't mean anything to say, oh yes, just now. Because it doesn't mean anything to say oh yes, just now. My first category for you is naming. What do you make of names? Ah, yes. You slipped in a bonus story

so you could re-reference Ronald McDonald. I did. As well as adding a Donald McRonald. Donald McRonald. I saw Ronald McDonald and I raised you

a Donald McRonald. It's like having a fake Wimpy Burger or something. How can, why would you? It's a knockoff of a knockoff. A simulacrum of a simulacrum. It's like the American remake of Coupling, which was an English version of Friends, an unofficial English adaptation of Friends,

and then they made an American version of it. There were tons of names. David Bowie. David Bowie. The tigers the tunnel tigers i love that because like we'll give you a really complimentary cool sounding name what about like any health and safety stuff no no a lot of the budget went on the name at least earplugs no no no no no no money for the work probably not you go get them tiger we've got like a really great logo. Can you put it on a high-vis vest at least? Nope. Even Ticonderoga

is a good name. Really cool, spooky word. Ticonderoga. I can't not give it a five out of five because of Ronald McDonald and Donald McRonald. And Donald Banner the Boken. Donnie Mann. Donnie Mann. That's like his pal telling him not to get involved. Donnie Mann.

Yeah, big fat five. A lovely old five there, thank you. Put that into the display case. Stamp. Dunk. My second category, Supernatural. A whole movie screen of the events played out in the sky. Yes.

And it was corroborated by a second witness. Yes. That's pretty amazing. Yes. It was going on long enough that they started taking notes. Yeah. So. Yeah.

And it happened live, presumably with a small satellite delay. Yes. It was basically like Eurovision. Have we talked about how Eurovision was invented by the satellite company? You told me that, but I don't know if you told me in a recording or just in our capacity as friends. I think I told it in friends because. Or coupling as it's known in England.

I really want this information out there. If you think about it, it's known in England. I really want this information out there. If you think about it, it's called Eurovision. That's nothing to do with singing. That's a good point. And it's got several countries that aren't in Europe in it. Yes, it does now. But yeah, it was invented by a satellite company in order, basically, to give them a reason

for people to need satellites to have a Europe-wide simultaneous broadcast. They invented demand for the product they'd invented. Yeah, and they even put their name in it, which means nothing to do with singing. It's not the Euro Singing Song Contest. The Eurovision Song Contest. It's staring you right in the face, everyone.

Wake up, sheeple. So what's the score for Supernatural? I don't know. I've decided to trap myself by getting angry about the Eurovision Song Contest. Yeah, you should see a little bit of stuff about Eurovision there. You've got a poltergeist and that guy giving the warning, Jacob Marley-like warning. Yeah.

And a prophecy coming true. It's going to have to be a four, though, because your man, what's his name? Andy Crane, who's the author? Andrew Lang. Andy Lang. He has slightly undermined his case by calling it Dreams and Ghosts. But they were awake the whole time.

Apart from the bit where he was reading a book and may have fallen asleep and dreamt his dead brother. Yeah, but then he came back two nights in a row after that, though. We've all had recurring dreams. No, four. Take it. Okay, I. All right. Take it. Take it. I'll take it.

I'll take it. But it's not going in the display case. My next category for you is celebrity cameos. Oh, yeah. There's a few. We've got David Bowie. David Bowie. We've got Wallace and Gromit.

Wallace and Gromit. Robert the Bruce. Bobby the Bee. Mel Gibson. Mel's Gibsons. A stack of old Hitlers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A fake Ronald McDonald.

Ben Kingsley. Ken Bingsley. There must be a Ken Bingsley, mustn't there? Somewhere, yeah. In the world. There must be a Ken Bingsley. Ken, it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Bingsley.

Know that Ugandy you're looking for? Anyway. Tony the Tunnel Tiger. Tony the Tunnel... you know that uganda you're looking for anyway uh tony the tunnel tiger our health and safety is not great it's high it is high of course of course well-known danish physicist sir william hart oh i you slipped that name in without us anyone questioning it yes i'm going to give you a five because I was very entertained by the celebrity cameos. I didn't need them. It didn't detract from it. It only made it more enjoyable a story.

Thank you. My final category, What a Carry-On. Ha ha. What? You see what I did there? Yes. Like carry-on.

Carry-on. But also what a carry-on. What a carry-on. Because there's the bit where the brother turns up with the trousers fall down. Yeah, and his bikini pings across the room in a stark warning. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my Sid, Sid Vicious laugh. Oh, so James here is referencing classic British comedy films, the Carrion series. Yes.

C-A-R-R-Y space O-N, not Carrion as in like dead meat. Dead meat. Scavenged meat. Carrion camping would be revolting. What happened in these tents? Put the bra back on this, please. Give it some dignity. Oh, that would be awful.

I don't want to be just loading bits of people back into their pinged off trousers. Carrion screaming. You're not surprised, frankly. Yeah, yeah. But it was quite a carrion. And in the first story, the Bocan, very misogynistic, always doing sly cracks at the expense of the wife. That's quite carrion. Yeah, yes, the Hattie Jakes figure.

Yeah. This is quite the carry-on and quite a carry-on. It could only be more of a carry-on if all these people were played by Sid James, Kenneth Williams,

the other guy. The little guy with the specs, yeah. The little guy with the specs off the Smiths album cover and the big guy, Hattie Jakes and Babs Windsor. Beloved Barbara Windsor, yeah.

Just buy bigger bras. You're getting plenty of money, Babs. Go to a fitting. There's no reason you should be uncomfortable. Buy more expensive bras. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buy cheap, buy twice or whatever. This is going to be our first advert in the pod.

We seamlessly segue into you and me recommending the best bras. Yes. Listeners, if you need a new bra, go to the bra shop and quote lawmen james i can't count how many times you've had to stop the podcast because a bra has pinged off and hit a microphone well not anymore because i'm getting a bras.com definitely don't look up bras.com i doubt it's a shop if i know the internet and i know the internet bras.com is I doubt it's a shop. If I know the internet and I know the internet, bras.com is not going to be a shop. This has gone weird and a bit bra heavy.

And if your bra is too heavy, go to... Stop trying to sell them bras for one minute. Let's just lift this bit out and separate it from the rest of the edit. Right. At this point, I think we need to address an elephant in the room. For a start, it hasn't got a bra on. We did a category called Innuendo last time, didn't we? We did do a category called Innuendo, and I think I gave you a high score for it.

Yes, and someone on the Discord rightly pointed out, you should have given me one. Just doing a little golf clap there. That is quite right. That's an excellent suggestion. Totally brilliant pun I should have noticed at the time. With that in mind, the carry-on, they loved an innuendo. Am I going to give you one? I would lose respect for you if you didn't give me one.

Well, I'm going to have to do it, Alistair. He's a man of his word. He doesn't want to do it to me, his brother, but he has to. Basically, my foster brother, your murderer, this person in the Discord chat, I've said, that's a great joke,

we should have used it. And now in doing so, I'm going to have to do that and you're going to haunt me to my death. I'm going to haunt you forever, yeah. All the way to

Ticonderoga. Ticonderoga. Yep, so I've given you one. Thanks. Oh, you're welcome. By the way, I'm now mugging to camera in a sort of a... kind of way. My bra's fallen off again.

Because I didn't buy it from bras.com. So there you have it, James. Two Scottish legends for the price of one. Yeah, that is a very reasonable... That's a bog off. It's a bog off. Or is it a two for one? Don't know. Either. It's great value.

Are there any other great deals on offer? Funny you should say that, Alistair, because if you'd like a great deal to see us on Monday the 27th of June 2022... 2022. ...at 9pm BST, Bust, we are performing live at the Bill Murray Pub in Angel, Islington, London, England.

Tickets are on sale. And if you can't make that in real life, but you have a computer and the internet, I presume you do if you're listening to this, we are going to be streamed live on the NextUp comedy platform. And if you look at the links below, you'll see a special portal to go sign up. And that lets NextUp know that we told you about it and we get some sweet, sweet kickbacks. Normally, I would advise people to be wary of portals, but not this time. And members of our Patreon, who already get loads of bonus episodes, early access to videos, dust, and other treats, get £10 off an annual subscription to NextUp, which is currently retailing for £30. So that's a third off. What a great deal. That is a great deal of great deals.

Two different senses of the word great deal there. Yeah, I noticed. It was really clever, I thought. I mean, it's no speculoos to accumuloos. Oh, some you spec you win, some you spec you lose. That was the joke I thought of during the edit.