Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep40: Loremen S4Ep40 - The Justice Room Ghost

Episode Date: April 13, 2023

In an old Tudor house near Marlborough there is a chamber that legends call the justice room. Evil-doers beware! The spirit that lingers in that old "Oaken Place" is determined to wring the life out of any villain that spends a night there alone. That is, if we are to believe the tale of a long-dead actor, an elderly maid and a still-living podcaster who went to mime school. (The last one is James "I'm acting like it's windy" Shakeshaft.) Join the Loremen as we follow the trail of an exceptionally unpleasant ghost-hunter, haunted by spectral horses, ghostly sobbing and castanets. For some reason. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. Alistair, we're heading to Wiltshire. We're the Wiltshire. It's almost West Country. Almost. You've got your Stonehenges, your Avebury's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that Wiltshire? We'll be heading back there soon enough. I've got a great book called Ghosts of Wiltshire by Peter Underwood. Ooh, the master. And today's episode concerns some ghosts of Marlborough. Hi, James. Oh, hi, Alistair. How are you? I'm fine, thank you.

And how are you as well, also? Oh, I'm full of the chocolates of Easter. Are you? I'm fine, thank you. And how are you as well, also? Oh, I'm full of the chocolates of Easter. Are you? This is absolutely my favourite religious holiday. Is it the shape that makes Easter egg chocolate nice? Or is it good quality chocolate? Because I'm a vegan, so I don't... It's a long time since I've had a decent Easter egg.

I tell you what, you'd be surprised nowadays. There's some very good quality vegs. I know, but basically they're on to us. Oh, no. What I used to do, and I've said this on the pod before, I apologise. What I used to do was I used to wait till after Easter and then buy absolutely loads of Easter eggs really cheaply. The Easter eggs.

From like Holland and Barrett, vegan Easter eggs, post Easter eggs. Yes. And live it up. And then a couple of years ago, financial crisis and all the rest of it, they stopped massively dropping the price the day after Easter. And they still cost like eight, 16 quid or whatever it is Easter eggs cost. And I was like, well, no more Easter eggs for me ever again. Because I got used to paying two quid for them.

Proper good ones with like mint coins in foil as well you know chocolate mint like like a thick after eight that sounds good what are we talking about easter eggs your weekend yeah easter eggs are great i think the thing that makes them great is the inconsistency of thickness so when you crack crack them open, you can sort of... What's a better word than plan? Strategize. Yes, that's it. You can strategize your nibbles.

Yep. And do you know what else? There's a textural contrast, I think. On the outside, you've got a sort of like a pattern, like a turtle shell, a sort of Cooper interlocking hexagonal type thing kakubi makes me think of you know those lava flows where they solidify so sometimes you'll find a little spot on the inside of your egg where it's extra thick um kakubin is the name

of that there's a japanese whiskey that has the cooper shell oh but kakubin directly refers to it being a square bottle i thought it referred to the turtle thing so i've been embarrassing myself in uh in japan not for the first time oops well aside from all that egg stuff i've got some pretty spooky stories that frankly they're gonna scare the eggs right out of you. What's the appropriate noise? I don't know. I've actually got a little bit of Etymology Corner in here as well. What?

I love Etymology Corner. Does Etymology Corner have a different name when it's about place names? No, I don't think. Do you think it should? The jingle would be the same. Etymology Corner. We are working on the jingle. Yeah. I'm just saying we can have a better jingle than that that's just that's a placeholder just an idea but it's a placeholder jingle etymology corner etymology corner i'm coming at you from mulbra

today the wiltshire town reasonably famous for having a posh school there, but that is barely going to be mentioned today. Don't worry. Good. Which posh school? Marlborough. Yeah, I see what they did there with the name, yeah. Yeah. I've not heard of this posh school.

Which of our overlords went there? I don't know, actually. I'm going to look up... Is alumni a word? I mean, they'd know. Yeah. Alumni is a word, definitely. List of old Malburians.

Malburians. The Malburian old boys with their marzipan ties and their trousers all put on backwards probably. Probably. William Morris. Oh, the socialist? Yeah. Oh, he's alright.

Oh, the hypocrisy of me there to immediately go, no, he's a good guy. The keyboardist of Jamiroquai. Chris the Berg, as the French would call him. Chris de Berg. Chris de Berg. Okay, right. I write off.

We need to burn this place to the ground. Nick Drake. Nick Drake, folk musician. He's good. This is a real mixture. Robert Addy. Don't know who that is. He was Guy of Jackburn in Robin of Sherwood.

Well, we're going to have to bleep that now so people will never know the full name of that character. James Mason. James Mason. I love James Mason. Right, okay, okay. We're not going to travel back in time and prevent this school from coming into existence.

Jack Whitehall. Or are we? Because there's still time. It's a real rollercoaster. Yeah, it really is a rollercoaster. Actually, I've met Jack Whitehall at a gig once and he seemed nice. Yeah. It's annoying, isn't it?

Dick King Smith. I like him. Yeah. He wrote The Sheep Pig. He did. Better known to our American listeners as The Sheep Pig. The Sheep Pig. Babe Two Pig in a City. He did. Better known to our American listeners as... The sheep pig. The sheep pig. Babe two pig in a suit.

Wait, you're telling me this pig's a sheep? Wait a minute. Is this pig a sheep or is this sheep a pig? The twist is he thinks he's a dog. Yeah, he's neither a sheep nor a pig. No, he is a pig. In the meantime, I want to give you a little bit of... Etymology corner oh the jingle

sounds way better when you sing it i think it's because i was actually singing a real song by accident i think i was singing the the mcdonald's music or my attempt at the mcdonald's music yes yes you're right i thought it was catchy that is the mcdon jingle. Yes. Da-da-da-da-da. It's Ricky. Etymology corner. Do you think they'd let us use it? They'll be fine about it. Just use it. It's a bit of fun, isn't it?

Yeah. So, according to Friend of the Show, Law of the Land, the most romantic tradition is that Merlin is buried in Marlborough. I love Merlin. You love him? He's one of the classic old boys. He is. His father was a succubus.

Really? That's one of the origins. Is his a succubus female? Or an incubus. Yeah, whatever. Father was an incubus. Mother was a mortal woman. And that's where he got his magic from the dad's side.

And that's basically the first five minutes of his stand-up set. So he's believed to be buried in a man-made mound. An MMM? Triple M. We're talking about my mound? A man-made mound. MMM. Which radiocarbon dating has shown to be from 2400 BCE.

Wow. And it was later repurposed as a medieval motte with a castle. The castle, don't look for it, it's no longer there, the castle. Yes, so the name of the town It's no longer there, the castle. Yes, so the name of the town was written in Old English as Merleborg. Merlebury? Merleburg, which was the mound of Merle. It was a very old name, pre-Norman conquest.

And in the Middle Ages, people thought, Merle, hey, that sounds a bit like Merlin. Yep. Merlin's mound. He must be buried in that mound that's a cool story here are the much colder facts oh okay well yeah so merlin wasn't known as merlin until jeffrey of monmouth jeffy mons jeff of mons, changed it from the original Welsh version, Merthyn, in 1136, and it had already been called Marlborough for, like, years by then anyway. Still, cool hill, guys. So does Borough mean hill then? Yeah, Borg, meaning hill, Old English, also Berg, B-E-R-G,

from the Proto-Germanic bergas, meaning mountain. Ah. Not burgers. Not burgers. I was saying, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Mmm, I'm loving it. Man-made mound. Mmm, man-made mound.

That's a man-made mound of meat. That's what a burger is really, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically a meat mountain. But nowadays it's a meat mole hill because um things aren't as big as they used to be now that voice is surprisingly appropriate for the next bit of my story which comes from ghosts of wiltshire by peter underwood oh was that your impression of peter underwood you were doing that no it's my impression of the source of this next story who told it to peter underwood who it's

someone who is listed as a raconteur i'm not going to say their name because i googled them and they're a pretty hateful and hate-fueled figure they used they're the sort in a good way it seems that people like katie hopkins you know, the sort of hired gob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're Lawrence Foxes. Yeah. But more the person that kind of goes on telly and says horrible things for money. Yes.

That's not a new thing. And the source of this story was one of them. So I don't really want to give them any publicity. Okay. Censoring. Is it more left-wing censorship from you there, James? No, they just seem like an and this is my podcast so they can do yeah good yeah are they still alive this person no yes double victory buried both in literal terms and by us in this podcast i don't

even know who this person is they were that there was sort of like newsy current affairs programs and they were basically clearly a version of that sort of person that we still have nowadays who goes on and says really nasty things however there might be a little lesson in this story you know there might be a little lesson hiding there which this person evidently as far as i can tell from a cursory Google, never learnt. But there is a manor house which dates from the 14th century on the outskirts of Marlborough. And it has royal connections. There was an oak panelled room which was reputedly slept in by Henry VI.

This was called the King's Room. And there was another panelled room, which was reportedly slept in by Queen Elizabeth I. This was called the Queen's Room. Yeah, okay. I've spotted the pattern. Carry on. There was a little room known as the Spanish Parlour.

There's no explanation for that name. There was a matador in there. Yeah, we can probably work it out. It's where they kept the paella. You can probably work it out. That's where they kept the paella. One night, a guest was visiting this manor house. A bit of a bore.

He was boring the other people who were staying there with tales of his wealth and power and worldwide experiences. And finally, went off to sleep in the Henry Room, which I think is a nickname for the king's room because the king that stayed there was called Henry. Yeah, yeah. His parting words as he got up to leave were, well, you might like this queer old place, but give me central heating, concealed lighting and a damn good bar.

You're going to get spooked to flip if you say things like that in a haunted house. Exactly. At breakfast, he comes down. He looks pale. He looks tired. He looks like he's not slept very well he seemed grumpy he announced brusquely that he would be leaving immediately and the host says oh i hoped we were gonna offer you a day's shooting we've still got a fair stock of wild pheasants and the guest snapped back no thank you i've got a big day of wild pheasants. And the guest snapped back, no, thank you.

I've got a big day on in Hampshire. They rear him by the cartload there. It's a real shoot. And with that unkind remark, he was off. Oh. So just to be clear, the teller of the story who is obnoxious is a different obnoxious person to the person who is experiencing the obnoxious events.

It's a different obnoxious person, yes. I see. But they've got a very similar accent it's kind of a similar vibe it's all the bile that you can hear well the raconteur is rounded on by the other i can't think of a better word that we can't bleep what do you mean encouraging me to stay in this vermin-ridden old ruin. Never again. Do you know something tried to throttle me last night? I'd barely got to sleep when some fella got me by the throat and tried to strangle me. I hit out, smashed the water bottle to pieces

and knocked that old wooden cupboard over. When I put the lights on, there wasn't a soul in the room but I could hardly get my breath. I left the lights on all night. The a soul in the room, but I could hardly get my breath. I left the lights on all night. The damn place is haunted. I'm off. I specifically said I like recessed lighting or something, not ghosts. And I want a damn bar.

I want one of those heated towel racks. Can be a bit too hot. If you've put it on, you forget about the towel. Oof. Oh, oof. Yeah, don't lean on that. I've been haunted by hot metal. Ow.

Ow. Burnt me. And, you know, it gets back to the host that the guy thought he was being strangled in the night. And the host says, ah, yes, they were. You see, the Henry Room was the Justice Room in the old days. They used to hang the evildoers from the Great Beam there. Oh, right. Yeah.

So, the spirits must have recognised him as an evildoer. Well, yeah, exactly. Tried to string him up. The host goes on to say, I once had a fellow staying there, a charming person, who'd married a really wicked woman. They slept in that room for a week without any trouble. But when he had to spend one night in London, and she was left there alone, she woke up just after midnight screaming her head off, saying that someone slept in that room for a week without any trouble but when he had to spend one night in london and

she was left there alone she woke up just after midnight screaming her head off saying that someone had tried to strangle her and she left the next day so that's good i love you know i love it when a story has a second story that sort of confirms it do you want a third one whoa yeah so an old lady from the village 90 years old let. Let's see this. Lady Throttles, come on. Yeah. Come on, a third story. Here we go. Real wrong, hun.

I'm blowing on some dice here. Come on. Come on. No, she was fine. Good. I've warmed to her. She'd used to work there as a serving maid. In fact, her mother had used to work there as a serving maid.

So she's 90, telling a story about her mum working there. So a long, long time ago. And in those days, the Henry Room, a.k.a. the King's Room, a.k.a. the Justice Room, was boarded up. And as children, they'd never dare go near it. They were told that there was something in there that would throttle them.

And she said that in the old days, it was known as the dungeon because they used to hang bad people there. And apparently the house was built on the flat close to water. It meant that they couldn't dig down to make a dungeon, so they dungeoned people upstairs. Oh, yeah, practical. Yeah.

And as children, this old lady had occasionally peered through the chinks in the boards, and they always thought they could see some great big black thing in there with staring eyes and the kids wouldn't go in that room and in fact the old lady said she would still not go into it not for anything well no one's asking you no she seems nice enough she'll probably be fine and there's a little sort of postscript our raconteur put in the bleep in raconteur, put in the bleep in raconteur. I think you're going to have to bleep it on raconteur as well. Bleep how I've said raconteur. So, yeah, our raconteur says that one other odd and quite inexplicable thing.

Actually, I'm doing the wrong voice. I don't want to go full Clarkson. Yeah. I need to have an opinion about something in order to get to the voice. So you're trying to get into the voice? Yeah, I just need to have an opinion about something.

A bad opinion. Road tax. Cyclists don't have to pay it. But they use the roads. That's the kind of thing that infuriates people who talk like that. What's the thing?

Road tax, but then they still go around using the blooming roads. Yep. Come on, come on. I was in the little room known as the Spanish parlor, and I can still see it as I speak to you now. It was a room full of early pieces of furniture and a strangely luminous picture on one wall.

It was really a lovely room, and as I stood there, the sunlight shone through the windows and the birds sang in the garden and there was no sound anywhere in the old house but the slow ticking of a clock yet no one could ever be there for any time with ease and so it was with me on that occasion the room was seldom used although it was one of the best appointed rooms in the house, with an enchanting view, but always there was this sense of oppression, of frustration, of acute mental agony. No power on earth would inveigle me into spending a night alone in that so-called Spanish room.

Sounds like a guy who will not be inveigled. And I don't think it was just the Spanishness of the room that put him off. He wasn't just so xenophobic that he objected to how Spanish it was. And the subtext there is, this house is bad to bad people. And I think he's not learning his lesson there. He doesn't say that he ever slept in the King's room, a.k.a. the Justice Room, a.k.a. the dungeon.

Justice Room. The Justice Room. Welcome to the justice room justice room i think he would have been throttled if he'd have gone in there to be honest to be perfectly honest head popped clean off probably yeah he said that he in in these rooms he always felt like he was being watched so yeah well you tell me his name and bleep it out so i can find out i can do it but i don't want people to look him up even. Including me.

You don't even want... I'd just rather his memory went. However, Alistair, as a little palate cleanser to end our tales on, I've got a, as far as I can tell from, again, a reasonably cursory Google, a much nicer person who's got a ghost story. Oh, good. Now, I think you're going to know who this person is. Have you heard of Ernest Thesiger?

No, I don't think so. Ernest Thesiger. Yeah, he's an actor. He played Dr. Septimus Pretorius in Bride of Frankenstein. Oh. And he worked with James Whale on a couple of films that he's most famous for, which is Bride of Frankenstein and The Old Dark House. I thought I'd seen that, but I donide of Frankenstein and The Old Dark House. I thought I'd seen that,

but I don't think I have seen The Old Dark House. Wouldn't it be great to be making films in the days when all the good titles hadn't been taken? Yes. And you could just call something a scary house. The scene you can find of this guy from Bride of Frankenstein is brilliant as well. It's on YouTube currently.

It's a bit where the monster walks in on Dr Septimius Pretorius just laughing at a skull and then he like notices the monster and he I don't know whether this was an intentional thing but Kenneth Williams is very much like channeling his vibe. And he's got a bit of a look of him about him as well. He looks a little bit like a real life scarf illustration. Ooh, brilliant. He's laughing at the skull and he goes, ooh, I thought I was alone. And then the monster comes up,

he gives the monster a cig and some booze. And the monster says, like, you make man like me. And he says, no, woman, friend for you. He's the Dr. Frankenstein to Bride of Frankenstein. I see. To Frankenstein to Bride. Yes, exactly. Tokyo Drift.

So he has a tale from this manor house we got three whole two and a half whole voices this episode wow what value for money and it's easter as well wherever we went in those days we were put up by the kind inhabitants of the town in which we were to perform and once the company passed an interesting but miserable night at a beautiful 14th century manor, which is undoubtedly... Sorry, I'm just helping. No, that's lovely. Which is undoubtedly the most haunted house

I have ever slept or attempted to sleep in. Do you think he left a long pause before in at the end? Is that the way he said it? The sentence is men are be. It's the most haunted house I've ever slept in. And he's bracketed it. But I think I'm not... I mean, this guy's a trained actor.

He would sell that line. Didn't you go to mime school, James? Yeah, they didn't do many line readings there. No brackets. Not a lot of parentheses. Didn't do many voices. Which is undoubtedly the most haunted house I have ever slept or attempted to sleep in. How's that?

Did he say undoubtedly? Sorry to keep going on about this. Undoubtedly. Not undoubtedly. I'm just reading it wrong. All right, I'm sorry. High on eggs. I thought I was criticising him, but I realised I'm actually criticising you, my friend.

And I apologise. And it's also very much taken... I mean, that was a scary sentence, but I think we've stripped all the scare out of it. Yeah, we might have sapped it a little bit of its chills. The door of my room had a heavy iron latch, which I carefully closed, and no sooner was I in bed

than I heard a clip-clop of the latch. Nope, sorry. Sorry, I started doing the sound effect before. That's a horsey. I know. That's a horsey. I heard clip-clop of the latch. Nope, sorry. Sorry, I started doing the sound effect before. That's a horsey. I know. That's a horsey. I heard clip-clop. You've pressed clip-clop on your internal soundboard.

Yes. Sorry about that. There you go. That's the sound of a latch. Thank you. And the door swung slowly open. I got out of bed and examined the latch. There was no lock.

And once more shut the door, taking special care to see that the latch was securely fastened. But the moment I put out the light, I heard the same clip-clop, and the door again opened. This time, I was far too alarmed to get out of bed, and burying my head under the bedclothes, I attempted to get some sleep.

Luckily... This is a horse again. Yeah, there's a sleeping horse in there. Luckily, my room was the dressing room of a larger room, which was occupied by my cousin, Stephen Powis, an excellent amateur with whom I frequently acted. The classic actor line in there, isn't it? Absolutely no relation to the story.

He's a very good actor, though. He's very, very good, but also mentioning that he's an amateur. Yeah. And I found to my relief that he was as nervous as I was, so we kept the communicating door between our rooms open all night to our mutual comfort. The next morning, we found that everyone else in the house, with the exception of the hostess, who was presumably hardened to ghosts,

had been kept awake by mysterious sounds. One girl told me that the occupant of the room next to hers had been sobbing all night. But when she made inquiries... That's an owl. It's a sad owl. That is a mortified owl. But when she made inquiries, we learnt that the room in question was unoccupied. What?

That's the end of that story, I feel. Very good. We've undermined what was quite a scary story. Yeah, there were no owls there i was adding to how scary it was just i was adding atmosphere you don't understand anything about you said clip clop multiple times i can't be held responsible i was adding atmosphere you was adding you were adding an equine atmosphere. A very horsey atmosphere, yes. So, those are the spooky tales.

Very spooky. Of Marlborough. Yeah. To our American listeners, Marlborough. You're telling me Merlin's in that hill? You're telling me you've got a mound full of Merlins? Right, yeah. So, shall we score it?

Yes, please. Okay. First category, naming. Names. Well, what was that actor's name again? Ernest Thesiger. Famous for playing the role of Dr. Septimus Praetorius. In Bride of Frankenstein.

In Pretty Franks, yeah. Those are both great names. Mm-hmm. There's the unnamed secret man, who is a bad boy. Secret. Bad boy sounds too cool doesn't it secret bleep i'm just gonna i'll say bleep and just say bleep yeah he's a bleep yeah there's him we don't have his name so unfortunately that can't count towards names okay you don't want it don't

look for it it's not worth it but we've got the king room so-called because the king stayed there. The Queen Room, so-called because the queen stayed there. Yep, that's quite rubbish, but yes. The Spanish Parlour, no idea. Called to vaguely Spanish feel to it. There's castanets. And the room had multiple names. The King Room, the Henry Room, the Justice Room, the Dungeon.

That's good, yes. The Justice Room I like, and the Dungeon. The Justice Room, Yep. The Dungeon. That's good, yes. The Justice Room I like, and the Dungeon. The Justice Room, that's about it. Oh, Marlborough, the name being not actually Merlin's Hill. Yeah, Merlin's Hump. Yeah, I'm going to have to say four. In which case, I'll go straight to the second category, Supernatural. It's got to be high, I think.

G-g-g-ghosts all over the place. Well, no visual manifestations. And, you know, I like a visual ghost. But multiple accounts of the same actions. Mm-hmm. Nightly throat squeezings. Very bad. Yeah.

For naughty people. Eyes peeking through the cracks in floorboards is great, but it was reported a distance of about 80 years. Yeah, but that's giving the story some colour. That's for the episode that's set entirely in the past that sort of feels a little bit like the main story's stopped. I hate that. Why are you doing that?

Why? Intersperse this in flashbacks throughout the whole series. Don't just put it all in one. Reach a point of crisis and then flashback to stuff which cannot impact upon the present day of the story. But they do it anyway. They do it anyway. You know what?

They don't listen to our podcast. These people. I forgot what we were talking about. Supernatural. Yes, it was supernatural. I'm back on my high horse. Excuse me. It was supernatural.

I'm back on my high horse. Excuse me. If I had a high horse, I think it would be a pantomime horse. You're already too tall. Putting you on a high horse would be a safety risk. My feet would be dragging on the ground. Yeah. And it would be painted in the colours of Mr. Blobby. It would be very unreasonable to put you on a pantomime horse.

Two young actors just out of college. Amateurs. Very good, though. Just out of, like, fresh out of mime school. Yeah. So it's a five for Supernatural. It's so spooky. Yes, you know, it's a proper good ghost story.

You can't go wrong with a good ghost story. You've got the girl with the sobbing child, and then there was no one there. Proof be, proof is need. I can't go wrong with a good ghost story. Or you've got the girl with the sobbing child, and then there was no one there. Proof be, proof is need. I can't say it. Proof if proof be need be. That's your saying, isn't it? Yes.

Proof if proof be need be. Proof if proof be need be. By the way, some listeners don't know if you're saying that wrong on purpose. Proof if proof be need be. Proof if proof be need be. I think they've got an idea. By now, they must be like,

he can't think that's the freight. Proof if proof be needs be. And category three. Category third. The Old Dark House. Oh, yeah, okay. Because it was old. It's a film that everyone's going to go and watch.

I think I am going to watch it. Watch the clip. I think it's part four of ten or whatever in a YouTubed version of Bride of Frankenstein. Honestly, it's very fun. Very funny. Yeah, do check out. Then we'll have a watch-along of The Old Dark House all separately at our own time.

Yes. Well, it would be easy to just give you a five for this one, but your unpleasant commentator mentioned they'd been there, and actually the quality of the light in the house was quite pleasant. It wasn't concealed lighting and a damn fine bar. But the fact that the lighting wasn't concealed means that there was lighting, so it wasn't as dark. But also the other guy, I think, talked about the light coming in the windows.'s i think it's a valiant effort but i'm afraid it's a three fair enough fair enough okay then final category go for it bad things happen to bad people aka justice is a dish served as cold as the grave oh what a good, if somewhat cumbersome. Two great titles.

I have a feeling you maybe couldn't choose between which one to use. Between two. No, no, no. As with Fast and the Furious 3 Tokyo Drift, I couldn't make the choice. Just put all the names in. Yeah, but then everyone used to do that. Like it was Frankenstein or a modern Prometheus.

Fast and Furious 3 Tokyo Drift. Or a fast Prometheus. He stole Furious 3, Tokyo Drift. Or a fast Prometheus. He stole nitroglycerin from the gods. Get him! A lot of sound effects in this episode. Yeah. Yeah, five out of five. I am, just to lay my cards on the table,

100% behind the spectral throttling of people I disagree with on any matter. I think that's good. Nice. Put that concrete in your milkshake and drink it. That's a five or six year old reference. Who puts concrete in a milkshake? Oh, what, when they throw it at fraud?

Do you remember that when they were throwing milkshakes, people were like, but what if the milkshakes had concrete in them? It's like, yeah, but they didn't, did they? So it's fine. but they didn't did they so it's fine but they could have had had they misunderstood stand-up comedy bits about mcdonald's milkshakes being really thick james james you know you said ghosts of Marlborough? Yeah. You might call them Marlborough Whites.

Oh, lovely stuff. Very lovely stuff. Are whites ghosts? I don't know. I don't know. And also, they're not called lights anyway. You're not allowed to call cigarettes lights. And rightly so. Marlborough Golds. Yeah. All right.

It's like diet. It already sounds a bit like ghosts. They're not called the Marlborough Lightss. Yeah. All right. It's like diet. It already sounds a bit like ghosts. They don't call them Marlboro Lights. They're good, actually. You should stop just driving cigarettes as being fine. I think maybe a record scratch is in order. Could we make the noise, though? Because we've been doing a lot of sound effects.

Is that a rip? A rip? Not like a cool record. Not like a hip-hop one. That was too cool. We'll have to live with it. We'll have to live with that. We'll have to live with that. A Rustle Beckett King tour.

And, okay. That was the rewind, but that is not cool. Little life hack if anyone wants to do their own record scratch. Just sort of sound like you're saying Eric, but you've got wind at the same time. Eric, Eric, Eric. Eric, Eric, Eric. Eric, Eric, Eric. Yeah, there you go.

Hey, Alistair, how come you ain't around so much at the moment? I'm on a stand-up comedy tour of the UK, but not Wales, for reasons. Oh, is it because of our bubba noggy on episodes? Are we barred? They're like, no, whenever I try to get over the border. So the tour is called the interdimensional ABK if you google that

you should be able to get tickets could they just go to abekking.com forward slash gigs yes they could so yes I'm on tour

in all all the major cities of the world but mainly England most of the south, but mainly England. Most of the southeast. What ones? Oxford, Birmingham, Aldershot, New Milton.

I prefer Milton Classic. Diet Milton, Brighton, Norwich, Bristol, Tiverton from the Devil's Hoofprints episode, Fairham, Winchester, Swindon, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Newcastle. I prefer Castle Classic.

I prefer Castle Cherry, Cherry Castle? It doesn't matter. Newcastle Zero. It tastes the same, but it doesn't have

any sugar in it. Glasgow, Belfast, Derry, Manchester, Leeds. Leeds. Manchester again.

And then two dates in Old London Town. The glittery lights. Disgusting, filthy London. Grubby London. Nice. The smoke, as they call it. The big smoke. The big smoke.

And if you want extra episodes of the podcast do check out patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod you can go back into the music now james thank you and then that'll go like i mixed it yep brilliant well i thought it was a good episode, James, but it was a shame that we had to let politics creep in. Once again, politics creep in. Couldn't we leave politics at the door? No, we couldn't.

It wasn't named after Merlin. I'm sorry if that's kind of truth-telling. Stop it. It's causing people a problem. I'm talking to an imaginary producer here behind a window Doing the cut it gesture Cut it, cut the feed