Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep41: Loremen S4Ep41 - Somerset Fairy Tales

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

James takes Alasdair on a tour of the 'summer lands' - Somerset - and the wee folk that dwell there. They live inside stones, beneath mounds and under at least one castle. (It's not there anymore, don't look for it.) We are talking fairies, faeries and indeed, the fae. You've got to be careful with these temperamental critters. They'll just as soon give you a golden nugget as turn into a cloud of bees and have your eyes out. We probably shouldn't have called them 'critters'. Sorry, lads. No harm done, eh?   Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, I have some tales for you from the Summerlands. The lands of summer. Which is, caveat, an English summer. So, often rainy and has been known to snow. I'll be eating ice cream.

Come what may. Yeah, tears streaming down your face. Like tears in the rain. Yeah, that's what that was talking about in Blade Runner. Eating a Zoom on a pebble beach. I've had Mr Whippies in rainstorms you could never imagine. Is that what this episode's about? No, it's not about Blade Runner.

It's about Somerset Fairies. Have you been up to anything, James? Yeah. I had a real garden-based weekend. We did some gardening, and then we went to Kew Gardens. Why would you do it that way around? You're just going to show your own garden up. I don't know, actually. No? I've got a sense of superiority. What's wrong with Kew? Does your garden have a pagoda, James?

No, but if it did, it would be better than Kew Gardens' pagoda. What have you got against the Kew Gardens' pagoda? The Kew Gardens' pagoda. What have you got against that? It's too bricky. It's... Of course, a completely reasonable criticism. Far too bricky.

Is it because pagodas, are they traditionally made of wood? Probably. Oh, so this criticism is not coming from... I had assumed I was talking to James Shakespeare, pagoda expert. Oh, no, no. This is not in my... This is a layman's critique. Yeah, this is not in my capacity as pagoda ambassador,

which is a portmanteau of pagoda ambassador. I don't know if you could work that one out. But I did learn a bit more about the pagoda, so my scorn is from a place of knowledge now yeah rather than just a little bit too bricky so the guy that made it he went to china and saw a pagoda and then like a bunch of years later was told someone how to make it. From memory. Yeah. So that's why it's like, it kind of, that's, and looking at it, I was like,

it looks like someone's just been described the idea of a pagoda and it's not quite right. Because it's like. It's like when you have to draw a bicycle from memory. Yes. And you realise your brain has stored almost none of the information about what a bicycle is. Yeah.

Triangles and circles. Not sure what a bicycle is. Yeah, triangles and circles. Not sure what order. Oh, it's got handlebars. Yeah, it's got too many. I know that. I know that. I know it's got them, but where? But yeah, it's like the roofs. There's not quite enough flair on the roofs of the pagoda.

And considering a pagoda's got like nine roofs, or this pagoda has nine roofs, that's a lot of places for it not to have quite enough flair. I just think you're being kind of mean to this guy. No. I'm making a whole pagoda from memory years later, and you're like, not very flair-y on the roofs though, is it? It's not quite.

So you've never even made one pagoda, James. Not my level of flair. I'm sure it's a great effort, but it's not quite my level of flair it's a i'm sure it's a great effort but it's not quite my level of flair yeah i suppose it's fine if you uh if you like a flat pagoda yeah yeah i mean if you're not into the sort of the the basic fundamentals of pagoda then sure that's great mate i don't know if we can use this to go into the episode it's been beautifully it's a beautiful segue from five minutes about my, my pagoda beefs.

MPB, my pagoda beefs. That's my forthcoming double album. A double album. Yeah. It's a doubler. There's a lot of skits and, and also not enough flair to justify a double CD.

You're like a guy who heard a rap album many years ago. Yes. And then has tried to produce one without really knowing how they work. Just made it out of bricks. Well, Alistair, I'm James Shakespeare and I'm here to say. Yeah? What? No, I want to talk to you about fairies in a humorous way oh i just forgotten

you were still rhyming you're still rhyming i'm still rapping i'm actually still i'm actually still rapping do you think what if you do this for the whole you do this for the whole episode i'm going to start thinking that you've actually been touched by the fae folk yeah i daren't to be honest because that's what happened to thomas the rhymer it was it i think he was touched by... The Fae folk. Yeah. I daren't, to be honest, because... That's what happened to Thomas the Rhymer, isn't it? Was it? I think. He was touched by the Fae.

I think so. I'm pretty certain his hot, sharp rhymes. I really don't know which adjectives rappers use for rhymes. Hot and sharp? I'm pretty sure they are... Warm, wet rhymes. They're cool and smooth, as opposed to hot and sharp. Cool and smooth.

Okay. Either way, I think they came from the land of the fae. Yeah, Alistair, I hope I wouldn't be touched by the fairy folk because, to be honest, it seems like it's broadly a poison chalice. I'm sure our listeners know the truth about the fairies. They're not nice little flittering little things down the end of the garden. They're pretty dangerous. You don't want to get on the wrong side of them

and it's very easy to get on the wrong side of them. So I've got a little sort of a fairy sack full of pebbles it seems. Oh great. But by night these are going to be glistening stories about fairies from somerset

so i've been doing a little bit of reading in legends and folklore of somerset from bradwell books which is a lovely little it's i'd say it was a pocket book how big is it in relation to a pocket it's not much bigger pocket books are always bigger than pockets slightly bigger hand books are always massive compared to hands a little bit too big and most books are always bigger than pockets. Slightly bigger. Handbooks are always massive compared to hands. A little bit too big. And most books are hand-operated. Yes. What's going on there?

Yes, that's a real good point. The other book I've got is Legends of Somerset by Sally Jones, who, I'm reassured by the introduction, this dates from 1984. Copyright 1984, Sally Jones. And she was a TV presenter on ITV, Westwood TV. Oh, so an authority then. And it's, as it says in the introduction, here in Legends of Somerset,

Sally Jones travels across rich legendary landscapes. The legendary place, she writes. Yes, using the word legend quite a lot there this is before the days of online thesauruses it's a really good book though i'd highly recommend both of them and they tell us a lot about fairies so first of all the oldest bit of directly quoted fairy story i can find for you is from well it was first recorded in 1684 and it refers to an event that happened about 50 years

previous on Blagdon Hill which is near Taunton Taunton I thought it smelled bad on the outside as mentioned as a joke previously done in the Meat Dragon episodes,

the infamous Meat Dragon episode with the hosts of the podcast Lex Education. Yep, yes. The infamous Meat Dragon, which is the Meat Dragon's rap name. So a person was riding over Blagdon Hill, returning from Taunton to Cum St. Nicholas. It's spelt C-O-M-B-E, but I think it's pronounced Cum or Cum. I can't hear the difference between what you're saying there. Say the first one again.

Oh, it's my southern. Cum? Yeah, and the second one? Cum. Right. Is that like Coom, meaning... I think it means a little hill. Meaning bay.

Oh, okay. Sorry, Devon's full of cooms, isn't it? And each of those is a little inlet. Oh, well, this is Coombe St. Nicholas. Because that's the thing. If he was riding out of the county, it could be. But I think if he was within the county, Somerset, it's Coombe. But this guy, he saw before him what seemed to be a normal fair.

And he thought it was just church stanton fair because that was the right time of the year for it but then he remembered some story about fairies in that place so he decided to ride up a little bit have a bit of a closer look now he could see the fair from a distance but as he got it disappeared, but he could still hear it. That's cool. Yeah. And as he was at the point where the fairy fair should have been, he could hear it and he was being jostled by it.

And then he returned home and found himself in pain and became paralysed on one side and remained so until his death many years later. Now, to be honest, that sounds more like a stroke. Yeah, yeah, clearly. I mean, what happened there is really not mysterious. No. He had a stroke. Yeah.

Or some other kind of neurological incident. Yes. But it was a very cool spooky story right up until it became obviously a medical situation. It became very obvious. Yeah, became obviously a medical situation. It became very obvious. Yeah, a real bad medical situation. By the way, we're not doctors. Yes, once again.

So do not take any of this as medical advice. If you are seeing a fairy fair. Yeah, remember the signs. You know, it might not be. Of fairy fairs. Yes. Fair. F. Fairy. A. Are fairy fairs. Yes. Fair. F.

Fairy. A. Are there fairies? I. I think there are fairies. R. Really? Yep.

Y. Yeah. Think I've had a stroke. By the way, if you do want medical advice, join the Patreon for the Doctor Lawmen Extra Podcast, where we just give medical advice with no training. It mostly involves leeches. Yeah. Get on the Discord. Tell us what's wrong with you. And we'll be medical advice with no training. It mostly involves leeches. Yeah, get on the Discord, tell us what's wrong with you. And we'll be like, that sounds awful.

And we respond like tradesmen. Oh, that's going to cost you. Kind of a way. Are we sucking air through our teeth? I wasn't sure if we were sucking air through our teeth or we were cupping a rollie in a hand. Because that is not a good look for a doctor it's not

ideal but at least you know he's gonna get the job done i suppose equally sucking in the air through your teeth going is not a good look for a doctor either i hope this doesn't sound like we're satirizing the junior doctors who are currently on strike who i wholeheartedly support and i don't mean to imply that they are tradesmen trying to fleece the nation which may have been unintentionally the subtext of what i just said absolutely not but still if your doctor is on strike dr lawmen get on the patreon yeah i mean we'll do it it's cheaper and worse than private so there's other versions of this story right up until the 20th century and i suppose till now because we're technically telling another version of that story by saying fairy f a r y f fairies a are there fairies i you don't

have to you don't have to say it in full yeah you just just skip back just go back and remember just remember it remember it like you were the pagoda I'm going to keep referencing the pagoda to force you to leave that bit in at the start. Yeah, a full five-minute pagoda gripe. A full five-minute pagoda gripe, yeah. My pagoda beef. Mmm. Are you thinking about how deliciously flared the beef would be? Yeah.

It's sort of like a kebab, but the size of a house. It's sort of like a kebab, but the size of a house. So an old woman who had, she'd helped out the fairies one time, and as a reward for that, she'd been given the ability to see all fairies at all times. She, like in the story you told genuinely a couple of years ago. Would this be the Netherwitten fairies? The Netherwittens. The magic ointment story. Yes, that's the one.

She saw these fairies at Taunton Market and was shocked to see them stealing. Ooh! So she told them what she thought of their dishonesty. Are you trying to be stealing from Taunton Market? And the fairies turned into a cloud of angry bees. Just like the youth of today. And made her blind.

Yep, classic. Young people. They'd rather turn into a cloud of bees than do national service, James. They would. And blind. And then blind an elderly woman. Yes. They'd rather blind an elderly woman than salute the flag.

Absolutely. And it's not the only case of it, Alistair. A similar story is told about a market at Minehead where a woman glimpsed out of the corner of her eye one of her relatives stealing meat from the market. And she knew that this man had dealings with the fairies, but she did not realise that he was thieving on behalf of said fairies. Oh, so the fairies are hanging around outside the market

saying, how can you go in and get us like teenagers outside spa? Exactly, exactly like teenagers outside a spa. How can you get us some white lightning? Yes, or in this case, meat pagoda. Meat, yes, a pagoda of meat. Meat to make our own fairy meat pagoda. Yeah, they're sitting there with blueprints or red prints, as I suppose they would be in the case of a meat,

in the case of meat architecture. Yes. And she'd said, what are you doing, stealing that meat? What are you doing stealing that meat? He said, weirdly, which eye did you see me stealing the meat with? She indicated her right eye. He blew on it and she was blind in that eye forevermore. Well, that hasn't solved the problem at all.

No. That hasn't helped in the slightest. That hasn't helped anyone. That's made everything worse. Now she's blind in one eye and she still remembers that she saw you stealing meat. Yeah, but that's where the story ends. Yeah. All right, that's the end of the story then.

That's the end of that bit of the story. Mm, convenient. Just cut to the theme tune, and then at the start of the next episode, we just forget about all that. But she's got a cool eye patch for the rest of the series. So, ups and downs. Mm. So, round Somerset Way, there's lots of Iron Age hill forts, friend of the show, Iron Age hill forts, which are thought to be fairy gaffes.

One of them, the most delicious, after, I'd say, a meat pagoda, is Cadbury Castle. Mmm. Which is tied in with the King Arthur mythos. The King Arthur extended universe. Yeah. It's on the river Camel, would you believe? As in? As in.

Camelot. Yeah, West Camel and Queen Camel, two other towns. And of course, yes, most famously Camelot. Should it be pronounced Camelo? Is it French? I don't know. I've got something written in old world writing that says, Have heard say that Arthur much resorted to Camelot.

Camelot. Camelot. So I'm going to call it Camelot. Camelot. It's all A's. Camelot. Yeah, in Capri Castle. And that was supposed to be some stories. On Hershey's Hill. Yeah, in Capricastle. And that was supposed to be...

Some stories... On Hershey's Hill. Yeah, the M&M's district. What a delicious place. Capricastle. And some say it's hollow. Like an Easter egg. Yeah, like an Easter egg.

But an Easter egg filled with King Arthur and his knights, who, like, a couple of weeks ago, are just there waiting to be woken up by a special set series of events. It's definitely a spaceship. I'm telling you that's an alien spaceship. I want that to become the main theory for what that is, because they are describing an alien spaceship and the procedure for taking people out of stasis, I'm telling you.

Arthur's like, Guinevere, you have the bridge. Yes, they're from space. I'm so excited by that idea. If it was the 70s, I would already have a TV movie commissioned off the back of that. But other stories say that Cadbury Castle, or the hill that's left of's left of cabri castle is just full of fairies thick with them thousands of them i presume that was after king arthur moved out oh yeah or beforehand because it says that they fled with the coming of christianity the sound of the church bells drove them away. And they left behind a vast treasure of gold hidden in the hollows of the hill. And evidence for this is that the summit has been subsiding over centuries.

Apparently at one time the top of the hill could be seen from the village in the valley below, but now only the fort's ramparts are visible. So the fort is lowering. Yeah, it's going down. It's sort of like a very slow balloon. Like a deflating bouncy castle. Yes, but full of fairies and probably gold. Yeah, well, that is definitely evidence of treasure, a treasure hoard. And fairies.

Yep, and fairies. And a lack of fairies. Why else would that hill be deflating? Yep. It's no longer full of fairies. Science. There's a similar full of fairies. Science. There's a similar hill fort, Rubra Camp, which is meant to cover a subterranean iron castle

full of treasure guarded by hideous-looking goblins. Okay? Hideous? Why would you mention that they're hideous? That seems unnecessary. It does seem unnecessary. They're already guarding it. I'm not going to stay away anymore because you think they're unattractive.

Well, you might want to go there because you want to get some of that treasure, like a chap called Dr. Farrar, who in the 1790s located the gates, which could only be seen on nights of a full moon. And he brought his servant with him to dig

down. Now, from the rest of the story, sounds like he he brought his servant with him to dig down. Now, from the rest of the story, sounds like he just made his servant do the digging. I'm shocked to hear that. And it says, as soon as the servant's spade struck metal, noises, horrible noises, came out of the ground. Yeah, that kind of noise. Just giving an example. Yes, that's exactly right.

And then he was grabbed by small but powerful hands and started to be dragged under the ground. But now, if you're Dr. Farrah in this situation, Alistair, how... I'll just... Let me get in character, please. I'm imagining a large moustache and an utter contempt for the common man. Mm-hmm.

I'm Dr. Farrah. Dig that hole for me common man. Mm-hmm. I'm Dr. Fowler. Dig that hole for me. Okay. But you actually you've got more contempt for these goblins. Even worse. And you don't want them stealing your servant. Get off my servant!

All you've got is a Bible. Right. How are you going to get your servant back? I'd probably just absolutely whack them with it. I would wail on them with God's holy word. You'd think you'd chuck the book at them. Yeah, I would throw the book at them. Yes, correct.

No, what you do is you place it on your servant's head. Oh, yeah? And that enables you to drag him to safety with one hand. Oh. So hiring a flat-headed servant finally paid off. Yes. Yeah. And that was the last time that anyone tried to find that treasure,

it turns out. Just pop a little Bible on his head, drag him out. Just bring a Bible. And what you could do is attach a Bible to your own head and go dig in. Instant protection. Yes. Yeah, strap it on with a belt. I think we've got some merch there. The old Bible head belt.

The old Bible head belt. Just a sensible precaution. Yeah. There's another one called Castle Narosh or Naroch. Sounds like a coffee shop to me. There was a Norman Bailey on the site of an earlier hill fort, and that's Menabee Hollow, full of fairy gold. Yeah.

And a party of locals attempted to excavate the mound in search of the treasure, but they messed up, because one of them, who was annoyed by digging for long hours, did a blaspheme. No! He didn't take the Lord's name in vain, did he? Big time. We've got some headwear that could have helped him in that situation. Yes. If you did it uptight enough, you're not going to be able

to do more than just mutter. Yeah. You can't cuss with a Bible helmet. Yes. With your Bible strap on. Oh. No. no that sounds bad but still a possible product idea yeah yeah but i'm not saying no if anyone's interested is the listeners to this podcast so let us know get in get in the patreon send us a message that's not what patreon's for but carry on when they um blasphemed all the earth just piled back in,

filling up the hole, nearly buried them. And yeah, they ran away. Oh. And they didn't have time even to fill in all their loyalty stamps. No. On their Cafe Nero. Cafe Nero. Neroche.

Castle Neroche. Neroche. Castle Neroche. Castle Neroche. Niroche. Castle Niroche. Niroche. Castle Niroche. Castle Niroche. Also in this neck of the woods, near Hinkley Point, nuclear power station, is Pixie's Mound, which is more properly known as... They didn't build a nuclear power station next to Pixie's Mound, did they? Well, fortunately, they didn't build it on top of it.

Yeah. It's like that road sign of the, what is it, the tank museum and the monkey land. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This looks like an accident waiting to happen. Mm-hmm. According to tradition, a fellow was walking along and he heard a little voice crying. And then he saw on the ground... Boo-hoo. heard a little voice crying and then he saw on the ground he saw a little spade lying broken on the

ground and thinking it was a little toy of a child he stopped and mended it popped it down and called out there tis then never cry more, and went on his way. And the next day he was walking past that way again. It was obviously part of his commute. And he saw where he put the spade down, there was a little cake that had been left for him. And it was delicious. Oh, nice. And he called out his thanks and continued on his way.

And forevermore, he was a prosperous man who was blessed by the fairy that he'd helped. Well, there you go. Yeah. So sometimes eating a cake you find on the road is a good idea. Yes. Again, we're not doctors. Eat cakes you find. No, but we could be. No, no, no, no, no.

No, we're not. We're not doctors. But if we were, we would advise you to eat cakes you find on the ground. Fairy cakes. Fairy cakes. Quite literally cake quite literally oh like a cake is that what is that where that comes from baby alistair i've got some news for you there's another word there's another word for a little hillock or mound okay yes this sounds serious in the somerset dialect Yes It's called a toot A toot? Yes A toot? A fairy's toot

What would that sound like? A tiny little trump A tiny little trump And near the town of Buckham What? There is a little fairy toot And fairies would dance around it after dark There's another fairy toot near Stoney Littleton Farm.

Stoney Littleton? Why is everything, all the names in this are really adorable in this episode? There's a fairy's toot that stood in the so-called Goblin Cum. Goblin Cum? Goblin Cum. Mmm. Which is near Broccoli. Broccoli?

Not Broccoli, Broccoli. Broccoli, okay. Which does sound like broccoli, but it's Broccoli. Not Broccoli in South East London? No, but it's got the same name. Oh, okay, okay, all right. But it's where there's a fairy's toot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because there's no fairy's toot in our Broccoli.

Well, not as far as we know. What you need to do is do what this girl did centuries ago, which was pick some primroses get lost in the cum wander around sit down on a rock which forever after was known as the fairy rock and drop your flowers and as the petals hit the stone a door opened in its side and a little fairy came out hello a friendly fairy hello and was a pleased by what they took to be a gift of these flowers and gave the girl in return a ball of solid gold and showed her the way home.

Oh, nice. That's not bad, right? Also, I like the idea of fairy rock. That would be quite sort of 60s and psychedelic. Oh, definitely. If you have a little fairy's toot, you can go listen to some fairy rock yeah now that sounds like a cool idea that sounds like the kind of situation you could

mimic and monetize oh i don't i don't know i don't think like i don't know i don't know james doesn't work so news of this story came around, and some guy, and it was a guy. Of course it was. Thanks, men. You can't, you can't, don't just dispense golden balls. Decided to claim some of this fairy gold for himself. Just whapping primroses at the rock. He found his way to the fairy rock, and he just like chucked a bunch of primroses that the rock He found his way to the fairy rock

And he just like chucked a bunch of primroses That he'd picked on the way Yeah like Like Morrissey Basically And the door opened again But the fairies this time They

Weren't so happy They could tell Fairies can tell And instead of granting a reward they weren't so happy. Yep. They could tell. Fairies can tell. And instead of granting a reward, the angry fairies pulled him inside the rock and he was never seen again. Wow. Yeah.

So it's really touch and go with these guys. Yeah, you really don't want to get on the wrong side of them. Final little sort of, I mean, this is really a footnote on a sidebar of a, this is nothing. This is an asterisk's asterisk. This is that second asterisk, the one that looks like a dagger for when you've already done one asterisk. Yes, that's the one. Does anyone know what that guy's called?

It's not called an obelisk, is it? Oh, it would be good if it was. That would make so much sense. There's a little Iron Age hill fort in Somerset on Exmoor. It's called Cow Castle. Yeah. Haven't we already had Cow Castle? Isn't there a Cow Castle in America?

That was the Cow Palace. Oh, sorry, what a fool I was. Yeah, no, this is Cow Castle. Just confused. This is Cow Castle. Of course, totally different. Yeah, where you will see dancing bright lights in the vicinity of a standing stone that marks the entrance to the fairyland fairyland

fairyland yes like maryland fairland fairland cookies fairland walk in the fairland and that's near a town called simon's bath which commemorates the story of a sort of warrior leader king called Simon who fell in the river and drowned. So they called the town Simon's Bath. Oh. Seems like it wasn't as well respected. All right. I don't know what you think a bath is.

The final bath. And it's not such a bath as the place of his death. So those are the fairy tales. Those are the tales of the fairies. Wonderful. Any fairies listening, I hope I've not angered you. I hope I've not painted you in a bad light. But to be honest, I'm just reporting hundreds of years worth of stories about you.

Do you remember the Cook Report? Yes. Do you remember that on TV? If you don't remember it, it was a journalist who would expose... His name was Cook. His name was Cook. He didn't do any cooking at all. And it always ended with him doorstepping someone and chasing them to their car

as ties would be flapping in the wind. Brown ties as well. As he sort of badgered a businessman who had done some kind of malfeasance. He would righteously chase him down some steps. It often would be some sort of cowboy fraud type thing. Yeah. You promised to replace this old lady's windows, but it's just jam in the whole area.

It's just solid jelly. You know that stuff that they make jelly from? Yes. It's that. Yeah. And he would chase them. What do you say? What have you got to say for yourself?

That's the sort of thing. How would you like it if your windows were made of confectionery? How would you like it if someone took your windows away and just put jam around the side? There's too many wasps now. That's not putty. It's attracting... Shame on you.

And then they would be in the car and gone. And then he'd turn to the camera and go, well, there you have it. That would be it. Yeah. Really out of breath. Accusing whilst running is tough. So that's how I see you in relation to the fairies.

Just standing outside a weird looking rock. Saying, well, I suppose you think it's uh funny to blow in an old woman's eye is it i suppose you think it's all right to fill a hill full of gold most of these are fine yeah these sound like good things that's the thing about the fairies i can't tell you can't tell it's good and bad you can't tell but would you like to score me and my stories and again for any fairies listening we're not scoring the concept of fairies. Not the fairies. I would never, never pass judgment on the fairies.

Yes. Yes. But I will pass judgment on you, James. What's your first category? Category one, naming. I thought they were great. They were quite low key, but every one of them was a delight. What was that?

Little Stony Nose? What was the name of that one? Capri Castle? Stoney Mittens? Johnny Stoney Mittens? That, again, sounds like a Cook Report crime. These children can't move their arms, thanks to you. What do you have to say?

You're giving them mittens made out of stone. Don't get into your car. He's in his car. All right. All right, he's in his car. He's gone. But he's made out of stone because he's actually, he thought it was a good thing.

Stoney Littleton Farm. Stoney Littleton Farm. Lovely. Adorable. It's a little stony town. A little stony town. Cadbury Hill. Dr. Farrar.

Dr. Farrar. He makes me think a little bit of Nigel Farage, so I don't like it. Goblincombe? Oh, yeah. Okay. Blagged on Hill? Cow Castle, five out of five.

Absolutely has to be. Okay, then. Great. I'm going to take that and hope that does not turn into pebbles overnight. Could happen. Could happen. You've treated me kindly, and I reward you. Second category, Supernatural. Well, it I reward you. Second category, supernatural.

Well, it's got to be quite high, yeah. Except for one of them was a stroke. Yeah, it did start off with what was definitely a medical condition. Yes. And then some of the other ones are a little bit medical condition, apart from, you know, you tie into the fact that you saw your cousin stealing some meat. Yeah, I suppose becoming blind is a medical condition apart from you know you tie into the fact that you saw your cousin stealing some meat yeah i suppose becoming blind is is a medical condition yes but it does say that the fairies turned into a bunch of bees and made this person blind yeah okay it does say that yes it

does say that you've got you've got things living in rocks you've got a deflating hill. I do feel perhaps that a hill could subside without the forces of the supernatural being at work. Small but powerful hands. Also, is it not possible that the trees around it have been growing? Go on. Creating the

optical illusion that the hill is shrinking. Just an idea. That is a very good idea. So I'm going to make it three, based on the optical illusion that the hill is shrinking. Oh. Just an idea. That is a very good idea. Mmm. Yeah. So I'm going to make it three, based on how happy I am with that alternate theory that I just came up with.

Yeah, I think you should be. I'm quite happy with that on your behalf. I used the Americanism alternative. So I had to correct myself. Alternative. More like alternative to a theory. Mmm. Yeah.

How many of the listeners do you think understand that reference? I don't think Jim Bowen listens. So no one. What's your next category? It's just not fairy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, that fair.

Yes. That the guy saw. Yes. When he got there, it wasn't a fair. It wasn't there. The fair wasn't there. Well, it was there. Yeah. Well, that fair. Yes. That the guy saw. Yes. When he got there, it wasn't a fair. It wasn't there. The fair wasn't there. Well, it was there. Yeah.

But only in sound and jostling terms. Yes. Not in visual. And then he lost the use of one side of his body, which seems a little cruel. Yep. That's not fair-y. And if you've ever been to the fair, those games are not fair. No. They're not fair. No. Stealing meat. That's not fair those games are not fair no they're not fair

no stealing meat that's not fair no no no no that's frowned upon that's not fair yep being blinded by fairies

that turn into a bunch of bees replacing an old lady's windows with all jellies and jams it's not right yeah right that isn't fair I mean that is something you brought to the table.

Yeah, that wasn't really part of the story, but I'm still furious. You should be. What else isn't fair? Well, whatever. These poor little, these poor entrepreneurs. They just wanted to make a few bucks. What, the guys who tried to scam the fairies? Yeah, by swearing about God whilst digging up a hill.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Chucking flowers. They would have definitely felt that things were unfair. True, but I sort of feel that they got what they deserved. They asked for too much. Yeah. So I'm going to say it's a three out of five for it's unfair-y, because I think that's a little bit too low,

and I want to be slightly unfair. That is a bit unfair. But it is kind of fair in itself, actually. I think that's a fair score. All right, then, two. Oh, damn. You angered me.

Ah, I didn't know that I was going to do that. That's not fair. No, no, that's just the way it is. Okay, that's the end of it. Check me down the street into my little fairy cab, if you want. Well. Fairy cab, which is pulled by a kitten. Oh, that is delightful.

Hmm. Meow. And the subtitles say, where to go? Is it also driving? Yeah. Oh, is it the kittens in the... No, it's... Is it like a little Japanese taxi driver?

It's got like little white gloves on and a cap and a doily on the parcel shelf. It's more of a rickshaw situation, a tiny kitten rickshaw. Right. See, I thought that originally, but then when it was like, meow, where to meow? Then I thought it was actually, I thought it was now driving in a little cab, but maybe its little paws are out the bottom like Fred Flintstone's. That's adorable.

little cab but maybe it's little paws are out the bottom like fred flintstones that's adorable well if anybody at studio ghibli wants to do that just pay us for the idea yeah just yeah give us the money for the ideas pay us for the i just pay us for the idea and that's fine now so i guess adjacent to that is you can't make everything out of rocks no that's true that's my final category that's the cat all right so i thought that was just a bit of a Shake Shack life hack. That is, that is also. Don't make everything out of rocks. On one hand, a life hack, but also I think we can, that is a bit, that's something we can lay, lay at the fairy's door, which is ironically, in this case, it is actually made

out of rocks. They're giving people money. That's pebbles. Yes. They're living inside a rock. They live in rocks. They're removing the rock that's pebbles. Yes. They're living inside a rock. They live in rocks. They're removing the rock from a hill to fill it with gold, I think, or something.

Yes, yes, yes. It's not quite clear what's happened, but yes. They just stopped making everything out of rocks, fairies. Yeah, and stopped making pagodas out of bricks. Yeah, I think there is a little hangover from that. I don't know whether this guy saw a brick pagoda. I don't know if Chinese pagodas are made of bricks. But that hasn't stopped you.

Looks bad. I think it looks bad. Just using your innate sense of what a pagoda should look like. Yes. It just feels wrong. Yes. James, what if you have the gift? I'm Googling pagoda brick question mark and there's

a lot of there's actually quite a lot of brick pagodas the tallest the tallest existing pagoda in china um is is also the tallest brick pagoda yeah i think i've embarrassed myself there i'd love it if you didn't google that, but we're just producing this knowledge. Yeah, it was built in the year 1001. It's really been done for a while. That's irritating. Round it down to 1000. There was a 260

foot one made out of porcelain. It's now destroyed. Of course it is. I can't believe my giant castle made of cheese has melted. Of course your porcelain tower got destroyed. Come on. I am annoyed. The effort that would have gone into that.

Porcelain? Porcelain? Porcelain? Yeah. I don't know if that was just the name. It can't have actually been made out of porcelain. It can't have been made of porcelain. It was built with porcelain bricks.

Porcelain. Oh, okay. To reflect the sun's rays during the day. Well, now that I've got more information about it, now that I realise it was a brick pagoda, I'm back on board. Yeah. Sorry. I guess we've both learned lessons about being too quick to judge.

About judging pagodas. Yeah. Yeah. Don't judge a pagoda until you are a pagoda. Did it choose that are made out of bricks? Mm-hmm. Probably be. I mean, they'd be heavy, but they'd be safe at least.

Well, James, for the score for this category, I'm giving you a one. But, whoa, what's that? What's that I'm putting on top of the one? It's another one. And what's that on top of that? Pagoda style-y? It's several more ones. Yes. So it's five out of five. Five out of five for stop making stuff out of bricks.

But they are not flared. I'm really glad. They're very, very drab and flat roofs on the ones. I'll be annoyed, but I'll take it. I'm glad as well, because I thought I was going to get caught out, because as I was getting more and more into that category, I realised

I'd left myself wide open with Cadbury Castle, which is an example of someone not making something out of bricks, but it sounds delicious. Oh yeah. Yes, it does sound delicious. I didn't notice that. And frankly, I forgot what the category was.

Yeah, I think we all did. I'm just like Googling pagodas. I think we should segue to being a completely pagoda opinion-based podcast. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm sure I could get some more opinions about pagodas. Can you bring the heat? I don't like that one in West London on the Thames at all. I think it's very ugly.

Is there another pagoda there? I think it's very ugly. Yeah. Is there a single pagoda you like, James? You're like those coffee snobs who just seem to hate all coffee. Yeah, most of the pagodas I like you wouldn't have heard of. Have you heard of many pagodas? How many pagodas have you heard of?

So far, two. Okay, and I didn't like either of them. What a fine collection of Somersovian tales, James. Well done. Is that Somersovian? I'm pretty certain that's the word. Okay, is it what people say, Whovian, to mean Doctor Who people? There's already a word for it.

It's nerds. I mean, losers. Dweebs. Stop alienating literally everyone who listens to this. I think Doctor Who fans would love to be alienated. Because they're like aliens. Is that what you're going for? Because they're like aliens, yeah. So you're going to get? Because they like aliens, yeah.

So, I just went in with the records. Yes. How's the tour going? Well, it is underway. The shows are selling well. It's underway. Come on, not underway.

It's over way. Let's be upbeat. Come on. Yeah, woo. Today, the day the podcast is released, I'm in Aldershot. Ooh, don't know where that is. Is it the North?

I assume, no, it's not. And I assume that my brand of vegan pacifism will go down brilliantly in Aldershot. Be nice, Aldershovians. Then New Milton, Brighton. Should be fine in Brighton. Then next week, Norwich, Bristol. Tiverton, off of a few episodes ago. Tiverton, from The Devil's Sufferings.

Yes, indeed. Maidstone, the Hazlitt Theatre in Maidstone, Kent. The Hazlitt Theatre is named after William Hazlitt, a dramaturg whose dad was called William Hazlitt and whose son was called William Hazlitt. Oh, that's going to be easy for future historians. Yep. Or it's a disgusting time travel situation.

Oh, that's what happens. He wanted to find out what would happen if you went back and killed your grandad and it turns out it's Oedipus. Yep. Grand Oedipus. And that kind of highbrow reference is the kind of thing they would appreciate in Cambridge, which is where I'm going to after that.

Ooh. Not as good as Oxford. Well, once I did a gig in Cambridge and I said, I like Cambridge. I think of it as the Oxford of Cambridgeshire. And you've never heard such posh boos, James. Oh, were they mooing? Boo! Boo! I tried to do posh there, but James. Oh, were they mooing? Boo! Boo!

I tried to do posh there, but it came out Mark Hamill's Joker. Boo! Get the bat off stage! Boo! That's what it sounded like. Boo! Then Ferrum, Winchester, Swindon. Swindon. The Swindon. Swindon, hometown. Swindon. The Swindon. Swindon, home of the Swindon Oasis.

I assume so. The swimming baths. Don't look for them, Alistair. They're currently closed down. They're not there. Okay. Newcastle, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Belfast, Derry, all in a row. How am I going to do it?

Not with an aeroplane. I'm getting a boat. Well, there's going to be some land travel there, right? No, I'm getting a boat from Edinburgh to Glasgow. Yes. I'm going to sail the whole way. Like a little Greta. Like a little Greta.

Or Greta is quite little. What's his name? A smaller one. Your saint from up your neck of the woods. I couldn't find Linda's van. It was right there. Cuthbert, St. Cuthbert. Yes.

Yes. Then Manchester, Leeds. Leeds. And finally, two dates in London town in the Leicester Square Theatre. London's London. And James,

a lot of people who listen to the podcast have been coming to the show and then coming up to me afterwards for a little photo and a chat for a little photo and a chat. And they've been saying we really like the podcast. Have they? And I say to them, I'm not going to tell James.

And I'm just going to store up all of that goodwill for myself. Oh, well, that's fair enough. I have told you now. Yeah, I have heard now. I'm not going to tell you about any of the compliments I receive on the podcast. Heretofore. Heretofore? Alistair from now on,

if someone wanted to identify themselves as a podcast listener and maybe meet other podcast listeners or you, but didn't want to be like, Hey, I didn't want to say the words podcast for some reason. What could they do? I don't, I don't know.

Hopefully not heckling anyway. No, not during the show disruptive throw dust in your eyes covered in dust don't throw dust in my eyes james don't encourage people to come to the show and throw dust at me like in the film blood sport if you've seen the john claude van damme fights if you alice do you think i've seen it in the 1980s kung fu fighting film yes starring john claude Van Damme called Bloodsport. Have I seen that film, James?

Nah. No. No, I haven't. You've not even read the novelization. I haven't read the book of the film. You haven't even looked at the pictures in the middle of the novelization. Oh, they're glossy. They sound glossy.

they're glossy they sound glossy in that a major plot point of that film is he is trained to fight whilst blindfolded

and at the end when he's doing the big fight against the big baddie he gets dust in his eyes but he can still fight the baddie

he can still fight that's not going to hurt Jean-Claude Van Damme because he could pour cups of tea whilst blindfolded so you know there is an entry point for you.

Yeah, yeah. I'd love a cup of tea. I might watch that. Don't do it blindfolded. I do what I want, James. So all in all, people should come to your tour? Yes. Yeah.

And if you've got my book, by any chance, and you want it signed, bring it and I'll sign it. Oh, yeah. Some people have done that. And some people have gone, oh, we didn't bring the book. And I was like, well, I can't help you now. It's too late. I can't sign a podcast.

It's too late. I can't sign a book. You wouldn't sign a podcast. I mean, be clear, of course, my signature is of no value and has nothing whatsoever. And if anything, the more people that do it, the less value. Yeah, exactly. Also, if you're jonesing for a bit of shakeshaft, I was on a podcast, a different podcast recently called...

What, are you on other podcasts? Yeah. It's called the Quantum Mechanics Podcast. I think if you Google, like, Quantum Mechanics like quantum mechanics paranormal podcast that's the best way to get to it um and uh we had a lot of fun talking about gremlins oh yeah the film or the concept inevitably the film was talked about it's the same set as back to the future and uh also the gremlins from the Sky that bothered planes

like we did in the Suze Kempner episode exactly that gets a bit of a reference it's kind of a companion piece very nice a lot of homework the listener has yeah I unscratched that record chord i just looked up swindon oasis it is shot it's shot in 20 2020 ah when do i i i went in like 2019 or 2018 i think you went to a swimming baths in swindon yeah why why are you there it's the best one near where i grew up and it has flumes it's actually a bonding point of people from bristol

and people from west oxfordshire because it's equidistant and a lot of people there that's the best flumes near bristol as well i see so it's it's it unites the and a lot of people... That's the best flumes near Bristol as well. I see. So it unites the warring factions of Bristol and West Oxfordshire. Exactly, yeah. And it's in... People who otherwise would have nothing in common. Yeah, exactly.

Yes, totally. It's the M4 corridor. Yeah. Rivalry. Mm-hmm. And it's the Thames Valley rivalry you sooty Oxonians with your monocles

Oxfordonians it's just Oxfordons it's Oxonian isn't it or does that pertain to the university yeah probably Bristolian that one works Bristolian easy Bristol Ian

that's how you remember it. Bristol's Ian. Rather than Oxo N Ian. Yes, Oxo N Ian, which is a detective partnership. A man called Ian. And a Boolean cube. And some gravy. Oasis Leisure Centre is also famous for giving the band Oasis its name.

That's where the story comes from. That's the story of where the name comes from. That's a little bit of etymology corner. A little bit of etymology corner. If Oasis were from the North East, they would have been called Wet and Wild. Really? That's what our place was called Well they're not from Swindon They're from Manchester

It was on the Inspiral Carpets Tour poster That Noel had Because he was roadie-ing For them And Liam saw it And was like I'll art up

Yeah