Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep42: Loremen S4Ep42 - Strawberry Hill Gothic

Episode Date: April 27, 2023

Horace Walpole was the O.G. Goth (Original Goth Goth). He was an eccentric 18th Century writer, who transformed a modest cottage in Twickenham into a plaster and papier-mâche fantasy. Join James and Alasdair as we venture into the gloomsome, vaulted hallways of The Gothic. Sorry, Gothick. This episode features Strawberry Hill ghost stories from Patsy Sorenti and a chilling tale from the unwary prankster Davy Craig. There's a wooden cravat and a gigantic suit of armour. And, as a special treat, James tries to guess what John Dee's Speculum was. He gets it wrong. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And this, James, is the story of a house. Go on. More than that. It's the story of a man. Go on. More than that. It's the story of a man with a dream. What's the dream?

It's a dream of a really big hand. The man is called Horatio Horace Walpole. Nice. And the house is Strawberry Hill House. James, Jameth, Shakespeare. Oh, yeah. My lord.

Alistair Beckoning King. Yes, I am beckoning you, in fact. Yes. Come, come, take a seat. Oh, okay. Quaff some mead. Whoa. Whoa, is that how you quaff?

Whoa! Whoa! Surprised by the speed of my own quaffing. Oh, it's a bit mead. What? Honey, right? A bit meady. There is honey. Yes, this is vegan mead, though, so. Oh, it's a bit... Mead's honey, right? A bit meady. There is honey.

Yes, this is vegan mead, though, so... Oh, okay. Was it stevia? Which is why it's got that... Nah, it's not good. Stevia feels like a word for when something is just a little bit more steve. He makes the honey. If you want to make things a little bit sweeter, make them a little bit stevier,

I think we've just come up with the whole marketing. Yep. They just need to find a guy called Steve who's likeable and has no skeletons in his closet, and they should check that before doing the marketing campaign because every brand has fallen foul of this one challenge. Just find a... Is it possible to find a man who is nice?

Yeah. I mean, that's why you don't see Alberto Balsam around anymore. Not after what he did. Not after what he did. In the 1760s, James, a discovery was made in the library of an ancient Catholic family somewhere in the north of England. Ooh.

Yeah. Vague. Is this still to do with business, Mascot? It's got nothing to do with Alberto Balsam, no. Okay. The discovery was an hitherto undiscovered ghost story called The Castle of Otranto. Otranto?

Otranto. story called the castle of a tranto a tranto or tranto penned by none other than canon onufrio moralto of the church of saint nicholas yep onufrio moralto what that enough enough you're drawing a line there already that That sounds like someone overly saying, enough, Ronaldo. Enough, Rio. Ronaldo. Is it like a Harry Potter spell to tell Ronaldo to shut up? Ono Frio Muralto of the Church of St. Nicholas in Otranto. And this story was printed in Naples in 1529,

but the story itself is set even longer ago, between the 11th and the 13th century. So the 12th. And now the first of many twists. That, James, is a total lie, everything I just told you. What? None of that is true. Onofrio Meralto? Not even... Can you believe that the extremely plausibly named onofrio moralto is in fact an invention would you like to make this drink stevia no i've had onofrio moralto what i was describing to you

there was a wheeze an imposture if you will on the part of horatio better known as horace walpole onofrio horatio well i think onofrio and Horatio, I think they are, like, I think it's roughly the same name. I think that's the gag. Horace Walpole was the fifth son of the very famous Robert Walpole, Britain's first prime minister. Bobby Walpole. Yeah, Bobby Walls.

And he was a Whig, a Whig. First minister of Britain. And Horace was his oddball son, really, as well as a successful MP in his own right. But you know the way in those days, you could be a posh guy and being an MP several times over, it's just like a sideline. Yeah, it's a side hustle. Yeah. Now, I don't know how to pronounce the word pseudonymously. So I'm going to pronounce it pseudonymously.

Pseudonymously. It's got a P in it, hasn't it? It's pseudonymously. So I'm going to pronounce it pseudonymously. Pseudonymously. It's got a P in it, hasn't it? It's pseudonymously, yeah. Yeah, so Walpole pseudonymously published The Castle of Otranto in 1764. He wrote the whole thing, but he published it under the name Onufrio Moralto. Basically, he invented a new genre the gothic novel gothic i'm spelling it with a k here the fake gothic novel yeah gothic at this

time is all about fake oh but he was quite he was a successful writer and a well-known figure at the time but he published it in a sort of so uh what did you think of that book the british public and the british public was like did you write it horrors wallpole and he was like well i don't know did you like it they're like yeah but did you write it and he was like did you like it maybe a little bit i mean what you you liked it yeah that was me actually yeah i wrote it actually yes no i think it's rubbish as well no No, yeah, I didn't enjoy it. Who is this, O'Nuffrio Moralto? Enough, Moralto.

Talk about enough. About three pages in, I was like, O'Nuffrio Moralto. I tell you what, there's no way that could be true, because this story kicks off. When you think of Gothic novels, you think of really sort of weighty tomes where it takes nine chapters for anything to happen.

No. No. I'm going to briefly describe the opening of the story. Manfred, Prince of Otranto. O-T-R-A-N-T-O It's gonna be... Sorry. I've heard of the place of Otranto before

and I can't not sing that in my head when I hear it. Well, that is going to be an issue, because I'm going to say it several more times. Oh. Manfred is the Prince of Otranto, and it's a wonderful day. It's his son Conrad's birthday, and also the day that he has chosen for his son to be married, and preparations are afoot for his son's wedding.

Yeah, that's page one. Oh, it's very The Godfather, isn't it? And it's going to become slightly less The Godfather in page two. On page two, literally page two, Conrad is squashed to death underneath a gigantic knight's helmet. Well, maybe that's in one of the original cuts of The Godfather. Is that what happens in The Godfather Part 3? Is that why people don't like it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a helicopter and it just drops a big knight's helmet onto Al Pacino and he's like, hoo-ha! Hoo-ha squash. I want you to visualise a pointy knight's helmet with huge feathers coming out of it. So the servants rush in and like, come quickly, sir. And he's like, is it bad news?

And they're like, well, it's probably worse news than you were expecting, to be honest. Yeah. It's my son's wedding day. How bad can the news be? Does he need to be there? You come to me on the day of my son's wedding. Will you tell me?

He's been, quote, dashed to pieces. He's been crushed by a giant knight's helmet. On his birthday as well. It's not what you want. So, of course, it transpires that the palace of Otranto, or sorry, the castle of Otranto, is haunted by a ghost in a suit of armour. But twist, the ghost is giant.

A massive ghost. Absolutely massive ghost. Oh, well, this is the twist. It's not a great novel. I think it's widely regarded as an important but not great piece of writing. It's not that long. It's very short by comparison with later Gothic novels. So Horace Walpole was a man of writing. It's not that long. It's very short by comparison with later Gothic novels. So Horace Walpole was a man of letters,

known for his lavender suit, his love of animals, and his eccentric taste. And I skimmed through his collected letters, which touched upon everything from the politics of the day, to Pitt the Younger, clergyman, his fellow aristocrats, fairies, the wantly dragon, the cock lane ghost, friend of the show. CLG.

The Beast of Givoudan. And someone called Old Lady Sandwich, who I assume is an aristocrat. I Googled it to try and find out, and it's just stock photographs of old ladies eating sandwiches. Did she do something terrible? Was she one of the first mascots for a business? Yes.

It's sort of a subway situation. Old lady sandwich, yeah. And she really brought sandwiches into disrepute. Quite the opposite to that. I did find one news article from the BBC, a headline, 109-year year old Oxford woman has a bacon sandwich every day.

Fair enough. And that's a quote. So that's really needlessly aggressive about the fact that she has a bacon sandwich every day. Which is presented as if it's one of those things like smokes a pack of cigarettes every day. Do you mean 109 year old woman eats lunch?

Yeah, still eats. What's your secret? Eating? That's how come she's 109-year-old woman eats lunch? Yeah, still eats. What's your secret? Eating? That's how come she's 109. Occasionally eating a moderate amount of food. Also breathes. They don't want you to, but 109-year-old woman defiantly breathing in and out.

Live to 109 with this one secret trick. Doctors hate her. Continue to 109 with this one secret trick. Doctors hate her. Continue to have a heartbeat. And there's a picture of her being presented with a birthday cake. And the look on her face, she's like, you called her a bacon sandwich. I'm just going to go, you know my thing is bacon. I was cursed by old lady sandwich.

If I don't eat a bacon sandwich i will turn to dust yeah no good luck to i mean that was in um 20 2021 or 2022 so you know good for her i'm gonna just google 111 year old woman eats bacon sandwich let's not let's not let's not do that so horace walpole was the original goth the og which is what original goth is what og stands for in a purple suit what this is the thing this is the thing the gothic of the gothic revival that we're talking about is quite different to what you and i imagine the story of the castle of toronto came to horace Walpole in a dream. Yeah, it sounds like actually. It's the kind of thing that I would. He writes, shall I even confess to you what was the origin of this romance? I waked one morning in the beginning of last June from a dream of which

all I could recover was that I had thought myself in an ancient castle, a very natural dream for a head filled like mine with gothic story. And that on the uppermost banister of a great staircase, I saw a gigantic hand in armour. And so from that little seed grew the story of the castle of Otranto. But where was he when he waked up that morning? Well, he was in his home at the extremely spookily named Strawberry Hill House. Dun-dun-dun! Strawberry Hill House.

It's very gothic. The kind with the ghost knight on the second floor. In 1747, Walpole bought Chopped Straw House. What? Which has got an apostrophe in it. C-H-O-P-P apostrophe D.

What? Where the apostrophe just replaces an E. So it hardly takes up any less space. He bought Chopped Straw House, which is basically a cottage near Twickenham. And he set about massively expanding it so that nothing of the original cottage is visible really these days. He turned it into, by comparison, vast Gothic villa cum castle.

It also sounds like somewhere that Polly Pocket would live. Well, that's the weird thing about Strawberry Hill House, because if you're imagining something sort of Tim Burton-y, it's not that at all. So you and perhaps the listener might want to pause and ask Jeeves or indeed Alta Vista, Strawberry Hill House, to get a sense of what it looks like. I've just seen that picture of that old lady getting a cake. You're still looking at a picture of her. She's looking at them going,

that's not a bacon sandwich. There better be bacon in the middle of that cake. What's the filling? What do you think you're doing? I eat bacon! You come to me on my 109th birthday without a bacon sandwich.

This is when Bob Dylan plays the Godfather. Asking for a favour. I'm gonna make you another. You're carrying a fume. Oh wow. It is pretty cake fume. Oh, wow. It is pretty cakey, though, Strawberry Hill House.

It does. Yes. Oh, absolutely. It looks like a wedding cake. Yes. The exterior is white. The interiors are full of bright reds and blues and Ostrogothic wallpaper.

It's a bit much. Oh, it is way, way too much. It's like if you did Disneyland, but with the budget of Metroland. And now you have to know what Metroland is to really get that analogy. Have I told you about Metroland? No. Did your parents trick you into thinking that the French underground was Euro Disney? It was a theme park, yeah.

A very, very, very flat roller coaster. Yeah. So in the northeast, we've got the Metro Centre, which is like our version of a big out-of-town shopping mall. Oh, yeah. Like in East London, you've got Bluewater. Yeah, sure, Bluewater, ain't it? Or Bluewater, if you were to pronounce the letters in that name.

Bluewater. Metroland was a mini theme park inside the Metro Centre, which had its Metro gnomes, which were people dressed up as gnomes. And I'm aware, as I say this, that it sounds like a lie. But it's true. We had gnomes, giant gnomes. Was the Metro, it sounds like it would be futuristic. It was more medieval.

There was a Strawberry Hill House-style fairy tale castle, but you couldn't reach it. If you tried to reach it, you fell into a hall of mirrors. So my entire childhood was spent trying to work out how you could get to the fairy tale castle. Walpole coined the word gloomth to describe the effect he was trying to achieve. Oh, right. It's not the noise that

the helmet made that'll be more of a i think because really he was he was in he was in bits james there was nothing left of conrad that is he isn't he's not coming back later on like oh it was only a small helmeting just when i I thought I was out, they helmeted me back in. Just when I thought I was out. Bob Dylan playing all the parts. Yes. Oh, no, the head of a horse. The whole thing is a sort of weird fake.

You know, it's full of things that look like stone, but are really plaster or papier-mâché. Papier-mâché. Oui. Walpole wrote that my buildings, like my writings, are of paper and will blow away ten years after I am dead. Which is not quite true because the building is still there. But unfortunately, his vast collection of art and treasures and oddities

has been sold or lost. If you go there, it makes the place even weirder because it's got these just empty rooms. There's just nothing in most of the rooms. And he used to have loads of great stuff. He used to have Dr. D's magical speculum. Wait a minute. Not the kind of speculum you might

be visualizing good is that the bit between the the front and the back it is uh the an obsidian scrying mirror now in the british museum and when you use it to look where Where? He owned a wooden cravat. Yeah. Yeah, you heard me, James. A wooden cravat. This guy was off the hook. I like that. I like a wooden cravat.

It was carved by Grinling Gibbons, the incredibly talented wood carver. So it looked like lacework. And he would wear it. And he'd be like, what do you think of my lace cravat? And they'd be like, yeah, normal. And then he'd be like, it's made of wood. Knock, knock.

I'm actually wearing a wooden cravat. I've got splinters all over the chair. He had a China goldfish bowl, wherein, tragically, his beloved cat, Selina, drowned trying to catch goldfish. In the end, it was the goldfish who were victorious. And, James, that means that the cat sleeps with the fishes, I just realised. Oh, the cat sleeps with the fishes.

So he created a magical place, a magical fabrication, I suppose, and filled it with stuff that appealed to him. And crucially, not everyone liked it. Ah. He asked, I think, a French woman, Lady Hollande, or Holland, I guess, how she liked Strawberry Hill. And he writes, she owned, she did not approve of it. And it was not digne de la solidite anglaise, or I think roughly translated via the old Ask Jeeves, worthy of English solidity.

So, yeah, it was too frivolous. It was too silly and funny. And he was not at all bothered by that. And he goes on for several pages about how it didn't even bother him. In fact, he was laughing. Well, I know that's the sort of vibe of someone who perhaps does care but to be honest i i think he should have known he's gonna have a silly house if he's like knocking around with a wooden cravat uh yeah he writes it made me laugh for a quarter of an hour which is uh longer than

i believe he actually laughed for like i i like a good laugh but a quarter of an hour 15 minutes i didn't know i did laugh for a really long time when i saw that parrot trying to sing barbara black sheep is this on the internet crack me up yeah well maybe yeah maybe it was just like that for him but that is pretty funny just tickled. So there's something I have to confront here, which is that Horace Walpole is one of those historic figures who historians regard as having had close friendships with men, if you follow what I'm saying.

Yes. Like lads, lads, lads. Man, man. Yeah. And essentially a lot of the criticism of his aesthetic and the style and the gothic and the goths, you know, the group of artists and liberals that he hung out with were basically criticisms of them for being gay or doing things in a gay sort of way. Now, obviously, that's imposing a modern concept on the past.

But this was the time when the concept of the third sex was beginning to emerge. Right. And people were starting to write really mean things. People of the past were less open-minded. Apparently, yes. Well, not less, maybe. But people in the past were also not very open-minded.

Yes. So when Lord Littleton complains that his house is half Gothic, half Attic, half Chinese, and completely fribble, meaning frivolous but also gay, essentially, or something like that. The historian Matthew M. Reeve, who's written loads about this, characterises the house as, we might see the house as sort of a sanctuary of sorts, but it's not a particularly old

house. It looks older than it is, But it's not a particularly old house. No. It looks older than it is. Mm. And it doesn't have that many ghosts. Oh. But I did some digging. No.

As much digging as I could, because I knew you wouldn't be happy if I brought you a weird, weird house. Just a silly house. That didn't have at least one ghost in the vicinity. So Patsy Sorrenti, author and paranormal investigator. Nice one, Pats. Wrote an intriguing snippet for spookyisles.com.

Quote, In 2014, a night watchman saw the phantom of a man in a stiff collar pass through a solid wall in one of the upper rooms. He had the presence of mind to photograph the ghost before it disappeared. The following year, a cleaner noticed a woman dressed in 1920s attire enter a disused kitchen. When he went to ask her why she was there, the room was empty and the fire exit was closed. The ghost of Robert Walpole is often seen in the banqueting room during preparations for parties. It's very probable that somebody here has their Walpoles mixed up because Robert Walpole, the Prime Minister, died two years before Horace Walpole built Strawberry Hill House.

So that's probably just a mistake. But I spoke to Patsy because I was hoping that the photograph would be online somewhere. What? I messaged her on Facebook. Did you? Yeah, because I couldn't find the photograph. And unfortunately, no. I messaged her on Facebook. Did you? Yeah, because I couldn't find the photograph. Oh, nice one.

And unfortunately, no. All of this is based on her own personal research. So she's spoken to all of these people. So there isn't, as I was hoping, an online account of this or a textual account. This is original research. She told me that nearly all the cleaning staff at both Strawberry Hill and St. Mary's University had a spooky tale to tell. But I cannot present you that photograph, James. Oh.

And I know you won't be happy. Because I haven't given you it, but at the same time, it hasn't turned to dust. That's true. Yeah, that is true. She mentioned St. Mary's University there. Now, St. Mary's is in the grounds of Shh! Strawberry Hill House. That's what the kids call it. The cool kids.

Shh! SHH. Shh! It's like an acronym. Shh! Now, sort of second-hand ghosts, ghost stories that were told to Patsy Serenti, that's not bad, but the only thing spookier than an old abandoned house

is an old abandoned blog. Oh. And I found the abandoned blog of Davy Craig. Davy Craig? Of wee Davy Craig? He's not Scottish. He's got the Scottishest sounding name. After Alistair, Davy

Davy Craig, he's a Geordie. Howie. I messaged him to make sure he was happy with me sharing this story as well because I also wanted to know that it was

definitely true. And he says it is. Go on, Davy Craig. This is Davy Craig's ghost story. In 1988, Davy was a student. Should I do the accent? I feel that might be quite rude. I don't know what he sounds like. I just know he's from Newcast student. Should I do the accent?

I feel that might be quite rude. I don't know what he sounds like. I just know he's from Newcastle. Yeah, do an accent. All right, I'll do it. Yeah, okay, do the accent. Sorry, Davey Craig, if you're listening. Sorry, Davey Craig, I've already implied you were Scottish.

I'm sorry. We do need to make a couple of other apologies. Sorry, Marlon Brando's estate. And Bob Dylan. It didn't take long after starting my classics and history degree. No, I'll do, I'll do, Geordie. It didn't take long after starting my classics and history degree at St. Mary's before I started hearing a number of terrifying stories linked to Walpole's house

and the college that had been annexed to Strawberry Hill. Strange tales of deaths and a number of wardens who were Catholic priests going insane after supposedly seeing terrifying sights were all very quickly on the lips of most students. One name that kept cropping up was Lady Waldegrave. Okay, sidebar. After Walpole's death, the house passed on to Lady Waldegrave, who made loads of additions of her own and added stained glass windows. So some of the stained glass windows you'll see in the round room are her additions.

And she crosses over with the invention of photography. So you can see pictures of her in the window of the house and walking around the grounds, and she looks furious. Oh, no. She doesn't look like she enjoys being there does she look like a 109 year old that's just been given a birthday cake instead of a bacon sandwich we were informed that she had killed two of her husbands and her own children in early victorian times when she lived in the house after walpole's death wow it turned out that it was tradition

within the college to go on a ghost hunt and search for Lady Waldegrave who was supposedly known to appear on 23rd of October which was, I was told, the date of her own death. Now,

some very clever wording there from Davey. None of that is true. But he's clearly pushed the responsibility onto the people who told him that. Yeah.

Like she didn't die on that day and I don't think there's any reason to think that she killed her husband however remember that okay remember the concept of that for later okay i've looked at the photos of her and i'm not saying she doesn't look like she could have killed her husband but as far as i know she didn't right so on the night of the 23rd of october davy and the other students went out a ghost hunting in the fog,

in the grounds of Strawberry Hill, and basically nothing happened. In the glumph? In the gloomth. In the gloomth. In the gloomth. In the gloomth, yes. And they wandered around for a bit, scaring each other a little bit, and Davey got bored and went to see his girlfriend.

All right, Davy, you've got a girlfriend. We get it. Nice one, Davy. And when he came into uni the next day, word on the street was that some kind of aural apparition had struck. While his classmates were wandering the grounds, the wailing of a ghost had struck fear into their hearts. You don't seem like you really believe that a ghost made that noise, James.

No, I'm excited. Well, I thought you were being sceptical, and you are right to be sceptical. Davy, with, I imagine, a little twinkle in his eyes, informed his friends that when he went off to see his girlfriend, before he did that, he popped back to his lodgings on the grounds, opened what I imagine to be a one-pane-thick sash window that just keeps absolutely no heat in.

Student accommodation in the 80s. Appalling. Where he placed my Fender guitar amp on the ledge. Two days prior to this day of doom, I'd gone to Denmark Street in London and purchased an E-Bow with part of my student grant. This is an, oh, student grants, imagine that. This is an electromagnetic device that you place over the strings of a guitar and it vibrates the string producing a sound that may be described as the cry of a whale or indeed the whale of a ghost crying from the depths of hell i plugged my guitar in and switched on my digital delay pedal to add echo to the sound and started playing the guitar with my new fiendish toy oh he's got a fiendish

stratocaster okay it's another fake, James. What? Another Strawberry Hill fake. He was responsible for the strange sounds that they heard that night. Tish and Pashaw, I hear you say. Yeah. I've gone off your day, V. Wait.

Oh, am I going to get back on him? But wait, you're about to get right back on board Go on then The story continues Later on Quite pleased with himself, I think Davey is getting into bed As I turned out my light

I noticed that it seemed foggy again outside But it strangely seemed as if the fog Was just outside my window and nowhere else I discounted this and turned to close my eyes Trying to get to sleep outside. But it strangely seemed as if the fog was just outside my window and nowhere else. I discounted this and turned to close my eyes, trying to get to sleep. I suddenly felt a chilling shiver all the way through my body. I turned to get out of bed and closed the window, but stopped dead, frozen still before I even got a toe out from under the covers. At the bottom of my bed, looking directly at me with black-rimmed menacing eyes, was a wizened old woman, dressed in what looked

like a garish white nightgown. She didn't move and neither did I at first. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was petrified at first but then did what any self-respecting young lad would do in that situation. I pulled the covers over me head and hid. He actually hid my head. I made it sound more Geordie there. Just desserts for you davy all that i could think was that it had been lady waldegrave the ghost of strawberry hill appearing to warn me after my antics the previous night well let that be a lesson to you young man that'd be a lesson and uh davy attests that is a true story and he can still see the image burned into his mind to this day fair enough thanks dave thanks for letting us

tell that davey thank you thank you very much davey craig now there are some strange and interesting parallels between the tales that davey heard and the legends that are attached not to strawberry house but another house yes james this is just part one of a tale of two houses what both are like indignity yeah both are like in spookinity spookinity yes it's a word like gloom i just i've made it to describe spookiness nice just the river, on the other side of the Thames, lies one of the most haunted houses in Britain. So join me in the next episode of the Lawmen podcast, yeah, for the counterpart,

the twin to this episode, Murder at Ham House. What? Ham at Murder House? Murder at Ham House is the? Ham at Murder House? Murder at Ham House is the name of the other house. It's a very spooky name. It's a very foodie name. I know.

And that woman's like, I said bacon! It's a house of ham. Welcome to my house of ham. It's like House of Wax. Ham, welcome to my house of ham. It's like House of Wax. But if it was Ham, the Ham version of welcome to the Ham House, the spookiest house of all.

That's if the brain from Pinky and the Brain was Ham House. Yeah, what a setup. Yeah, I know, this was all just intro. For the big ham sandwich. The old lady. Yeah, this whole episode is a classic old lady sandwich. Just getting you ready for the ham. Unbelievable.

So we're going to score this now. Yeah, let's score Strawberry Hill Gothic. Go on. My first category for you is names. Yeah, yes, yes. Can I remind you that the wallpaper is ostrogothic well we don't know what that means neither of us know it's an ostrich that's got a choker on that would be very obvious on a on an ostrich we've got ostrogothic wallpaper we've got gloomth

we've got uh davey craig great name we've got miss chudley's absurdities by the way miss chudley's absurdities were being a bigamist. Those sound like they might be sweets as well. Oh, I'm sure it was sweet for a while. Her bigamy is what undid her role as the ambassador, as the brand ambassador. For Miss Chudley's absurdities. Dr. D's magical speculum.

Yeah. these absurdities dr d's magical speculum yeah i mean i think dr d basically didn't get to be the the face of the magical speculum enough rio moralto enough rio moralto and even horatio horace walpole there's so many what was the the guy that made the guy that whittled the wooden... Oh, do you mean Grinling Gibbons? Yeah, Grinling Gibbons. Who I assume was a team of monkeys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very talented monkeys. But monkeys nonetheless.

And even, what is it, Gloomth. Gloomth. Gloomth. I guess it's a noun. It's a name for a thing. The thing that it describes is Gloomth. Gloomth. I guess it's a noun. It's a name for a thing. The thing that it describes is gloomth. Gloomth. Five.

Yes. My second category. Okay. Well, supernatural. Yeah, okay. I discussed it on my own in my head before saying it there. I don't know if that came across. No, that did a little.

Yeah, I mean, we started off with a massive night ghost. Yes. And we ended with a scary, starry lady. Yeah. And on the way, what did we have? We had a flapper ghost. Yeah, 1920s flapper ghost. And the stiff-collared ghost who walked straight through a wall.

Straight through a wall. Yeah. I mean, it's not loud, but it's atmospheric. It's not loud. To be fair, obviously, the ghost of the Castle of Otranto is fictitious. However, it was inspired by a dream. And it was massive. It's a high three.

All right. Next category. Fake it till you make it brackets out of papier-mâché nice very nice yes because if you want to live

in a you know an incredible artistic dreamland I mean it probably helps if you're the fifth son of prime minister makes it a little bit easier

to do that sort of thing and he just died two years ago so no one, so he can't say, can you have a more normal house, please? Stop making everything out of paper. Yes, and you've got the fake authorship. I mean, the fake word in gloom, if you will. Yeah, absolutely.

And, of course, you've got Davy Craig's own little fake. He faked it. He faked a ghost. And then he came face to face with a ghost. Yes. Yeah. Isn't that what you're saying? Four.

Okay. All right. How could I have made that a five? Just one more. One more. Okay. Right. Yep.

Okay. So I thought it wasn't a lack of pizzazz then. It was just pure numbers. Fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a numbers game. If you'd have lied. Oh, yeah, that would have been brilliant.

If I'd actually pulled the wool over your eyes. James, there's no such place as Metroland. What? No, there is. There is. There's no such place as Newcastle. Of course there is. Where would the metronomes live?

Be realistic. Okay, I accept it. Yeah, I should have lied to you about Metroland. Final category, haters going to hate. Yes, they are. They hate to see him thriving. That, for me, was the real tipping point in turning me round on Walpole. Ah, when you found out that other people didn't like the house.

They were just banging on about it for ages. In a homophobic way. Yeah, it's going to hate, and I think this deserves a five. Thank you very much. It can't not be. Well, I'm going to try and top that with the much, much more haunted Ham House. I mean, I'm... Welcome to the House of Ham.

Am I going to be... Is it going to be... Am I going to be chilled to the very bone? You might be chilled. You'll be chilled to your... Yeah, to your very ham. To my ham on the bone? Yes.

You'll be wafer thin with fear. I meant to say fear but I accidentally said ham. I'm going to be wafer thin. I was thinking about ham. Oh my word. Will my eyes be glazed with terror?

Like a ham might be glazed with honey. As a vegan I can't really get involved in too many ham because I've really exhausted my knowledge of ham. Well, Alistair, that was an excellent and terrifying appetiser for what I'm presuming is a big plate of ham that we've got next week.

Don't fill up on strawberries. This is ham still to come. I'm presuming is a big plate of ham that we've got next week. Don't fill up on strawberries. No. Because there's ham still to come. Well, in the meantime, Alistair, what can the listeners do? Hop on to the Patreon if they wish. They could do. If they so wish. They can listen to a load of bonus episodes and offcuts

and things that we've, like ham, sort of squished together and formed into. Am I supposed to be selling this? And so what? They go to patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod. They would ideally, yes. And they can join up and get access to bonus episodes and the law folk on the Discord. A couple of strawberries. and give me the ham and then we're gonna hit you with the ham slap that's how we do it on lawmen nice one