Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep49: Loremen S4Ep49 - The Ghostbusting Parsons of Penzance

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

Ghostbusters! In Cornwall! That's very much the premise. Alasdair returns from England's westernmost peninsula with a slew of tales about Cornish ghost-layers, spirit-quellers, exorcists and general demon-botherers. PLUS a bonus excerpt from James's appearance on The Quantum Mechanics https://t.co/kjWayikqVO, when the team went to look at a standing stone, to see if it moved. (It didn't.) Also available here: youtube.com/loremenpodcast

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And here we are. It's summer. It is. It's time for the summer holidays. And as you well know, James, I hopped a five-hour train from stinky old London town. Yeah.

To the west of Cornwall. The Wild West, they call it. The Wild West? Where cafes close at 2pm for no clear reason. That's peak cafe time. Yes, there's pensioners wandering the streets confused. Open the cafe, for goodness sake. But they won't do it.

And I came back with some very spooky tales. Why, it's the ghost-busting Parsons of Penzance. Turtle power. James Shakespeare. Oh yeah, Alistair Beckett King. Sorry, did I startle you? A little. That's alright, I'm back. You're back, baby. I'm back, Alistair Beckett King. Sorry, did I startle you? A little. That's all right. I'm back.

You're back, baby. I'm back. I'm back. Don't call it a comeback. No, it's not. Well, it did come back. Yeah. So, in a way, it is.

Were you in, like, a leather jumpsuit with your name in light bulbs behind you? Yep, that's right, yes. Because that's going to be kicking out a lot of heat with all your names. Yeah, I have been away in Penzance, Cornwall, just under a week. And James, don't talk to me about heat. Oh, no. Oh, no shelter from the sun's fury. It's not as touristy as I expected. I've only really been to seaside towns like

Blackpool and Bridlington, you know, the old Victorian resorts. I thought it would be, as goths are to Whitby, pirates would be to Penzance. Yes, surely. There's no pirates there. You didn't see one? I didn't see a single pirate, but also I expected, oh yeah, but there'll be like, there'll be rides for the kids. There'll be kids dressed up as pirates. There'll be everything will be.

Oh, this is where the pirates were from that famous light opera. Would there be a plaque on the church saying don't look for Captain Pugwash's grave? He's a he's a fictional character, as there is for Dracula in the witty one. Exactly. Stop looking for Dracul's. Stop looking for Captain Pugwash. It's imaginary i just yeah so i thought it was going to be all in on pirates and it's almost as if the people there find that a little tiresome ah did you do the other joke though where you went into like a pasty shop and asked what the pie rates were in penzance that's very good in my experience they like that as little as the other thing you were describing well i must say i found the people

of penzance uh i found the people of cornwall in general to be very sweet yeah at one end but actually savour it the other end so it's another cornish pasty crack i did have a vegan cornish pasty oh good in the telegraph museum what yeah the newspaper not the newspaper the concept no of the telegraph the the concept of an undersea cable ah connecting uh britain with canada america india and some other places and what did they have bits of it oh yeah yeah the, yeah. Just west of Penzance is where all of those cables used to, and to some extent still do, come inland. Ah. Where, you know, young, clean-shaven men would sit in a cave,

literally, during the wars, and just listen to... That's not music, that's just a noise. You know what the kids like, James. Ah, those kids. Those crazy 1940s kids. So I did a bit of research while I was there. Oh, good work. Into the old folklore.

Yeah. And I'd like to talk to you, James, today about the ghost-busting parsons of Penzance. Yes, please. And the surrounding areas. Cornwall, basically. Western Cornwall. The Lizard Peninsula. It's not actually the Lizard Peninsula. It's a different peninsula. The Lizard's just a bit down. Did it fall off the end of the Lizard Peninsula and then the Lizard grew a new one?

Yeah, as a self-defence mechanism, yeah. If you were to go to Penzance, you could go to Chapel Street, which is the site of a story that I'm going to call Mrs Baines's Blunderbuss. Nice. Which comes from Stories and Folklore of Western Cornwall by William Bottrell, written in 1880. Billy Botts. By Willie 1880. Billy Botts. By Willie Botts.

Willie Botts. Now, Mrs. Baines lived on Chapel Street, which is the oldest street in Penzance, and it used to be called Our Lady's Street, I assume because it's right next to St. Mary's Churchyard. Not because it was named by Geordie. Poor Lady's Street. Near Vandervoor Lane, which presumably is a lane leading towards Vandervoor Lane.

Ooh. Which presumably is a lane leading towards Vandervoor, which means the Great Road in Cornish, which is the road connecting Penzance to Mousel, or was then. Mousehole, for any of the people who read it. I'm pronouncing it Mousel because it's written Mousehole. It is Mouse. It does look like a mousehole, but surely that can't be right.

If you're driving on the way, there's a sign that says height restriction, mouse-hole. And it's like, I should think so because they're really little. But when I said that to the driver, he didn't find that funny at all on the bus. I was like, I think so because they're really small. Did he just tap the sign that said people should not stand in front of this sign or speak to the driver? Yeah.

Yes, he did. He did. Which is a real feat these days, because they've got bulletproof glass. Is he on a real long thing? He poked it out through the air hole. Yeah, he was like Eugene Toombs from The X-Files. So, Mrs. Baines lived on Chapel chapel street most of these buildings have changed it's not like that now but there used to be a great big orchard there which was mrs baines's orchard out the back of her

mansion where she grew sweet sweet apples oh nice nice one baines do you remember james uh your friend and mine calise had all that trouble with milkshakes. Oh yes, yeah yeah yeah. In her yard. Yes. You know, she'd set out the milkshakes. Yes. She'd turn her back for one second.

Yeah. The boys would be in. Thick with boys. All the boys in the yard. Mrs Baines had very much the same problem, but with apples. Ah. Her apples were so, so sweet. All the boys in Penthouse came and scrumped. Pilfered.

Stole. Scrumped for anyone young? Maybe. Are we still saying scrumping? It's a fun word that specifically means the thievery of apples. In the way that rustling means stealing only animals. Yes. Scrumping means stealing just apples. Just apples. In the way that rustling means stealing out only animals. Yes. Scrumping means stealing just apples.

Just apples. But it sounds fun. It does sound fun. It sounds harmless, but Mrs Baines did not see it that way. Ah. She had her man John, or Jan. He's called both within the same paragraph, so I assume Jan or Jan is the Cornish shortening of John? Yeah, probably.

As in Jan Tregeagle? Yes, I think so. Which I'm sorry to inform you, according to a book I read, is pronounced Tregeagle. What? Yeah. Damn it. We're not going back and correcting that now.

But let that be a taste of how many words I'm going to mispronounce in this episode. Good. If I didn't already pronounce Vandervoor wrong. But we got Mousel's. We got Mousel. We got Mousel right, probably. Hopefully. Hopefully, probably.

She set her man, her gardener, on guard with a blunderbuss full of dried peas and small shot. And if he saw any rustlings of a night, he was to count to three and then fire. Allowed? Or was that not specified and that is a twist? It was indeed allowed, yes. To give them a chance, but to scare them off.

But Mrs Baines was not happy with the quality of work she was getting from John Jan Yan. Apples were still disappearing. No blunderbusses were being fired. So she started to think he's either letting them get away with the apples or he is falling asleep. Oh.

The latter was true. She didn't realise it. She decided to teach him a lesson. She herself crept out in her bedclothes into the orchard at night and started a shaking of one of the apple trees, a shaky, shaky, shaky, and the apples started falling to the ground. Classic scrump technique. Yeah, just a shaky, and the apples started falling to the ground. Classic scrump technique.

Yeah, just your basic scrumping. Yeah. And according to Billy Botts, the rustling of shaken branches and noise of falling apples awoke him and seeing somebody, as he thought, stealing apples from their favourite tree. Yeah, I think you see where this is going, James. Yeah. He up with his gun and let fly at his mistress, exclaiming at the same time, stealing apples from their favourite tree. Yeah, I think you see where this is going, James. Yeah. He up with his gun and let fly at his mistress,

exclaiming at the same time, Now you thief, I've paid ye off for keeping me out of bed to watch ye. I know ye I do, and I will bring ye before his worship the mayor tomorrow. Ah. That wasn't one, two, three. He didn't actually say one, two, three, it seems. He said a real long paragraph um and she replied lord help me i'm killed and fell onto the ground oh no these old timey people were i suppose it's the old twitter they like to just constantly

commentate on their lives yep that's that's that's her taking selfies with the apples someone who can't believe shot by own gardener dead hashtag what hashtag literally killed Yep, that's her taking selfies with the apples. Someone who I can't believe was shot by Owen Gardner. Dead. Hashtag what? Hashtag literally killed. Hashtag I am killed. Jan didn't stay to see if that went viral.

Thinking he had committed the crime of murder, he ran away to the hills. Literally to the hills. He took to the hills. He took to the hills and was discovered several days later in castle andinus a vast iron age fort nearby half starved apparently good news mrs baines didn't die ah yeah that is good news a relief uh william bottrell says uh inaccurate though yes she lied. Makes her inaccurate. So she's a liar, but she's a liar. She may be a liar, but she is a liar.

By good luck, the old lady's back was towards her man when he fired, and the greatest portion of the charge took effect below her waist. So by good luck, she was shot in the bottom. Ah. Dr Giddy was fetched, and after some delicate... That's his name. Yeah. Dr. Giddy was fetched and after some delicate... That's his name. Yeah. After some delicate

surgical operations which the lady bore with exemplary patience pronounced her fright to be more than the hurt. Nice. So, no harm done. However, a short time after

the old lady got shot, she died. Oh. Twist. Just a coincidence, it seems. Allergic to peas? We just don't know. It might be. Is there a connection between shootinggic to peas? We just don't know. It might be.

Is there a connection between shooting people and their death? We don't know. We're just asking questions. You're making wild assumptions there. Correlation is not causation, James. Cool. Yeah, she got shot. Yeah, she died shortly afterwards.

That's all we know. She got shot and said, I am killed. She got shot, fell to the ground and said, I am killed. And then she died. So let's not leap to conclusions about what caused that. So maybe she, yeah, so she's still a liar. She did not, I can tell you, rest in peace. In peas?

Oh, the ultimate R.i.p she returned as a ghost and she was often seen in the orchard walking the orchard standing under that tree where she was shot with her hands on her golden cane he says everybody knew the old lady by her upturned and powdered grey hair under a lace cap of antique pattern, by the long lace ruffles hanging from her elbows, her short silk mantle, gold-headed cane and other trappings of old-fashioned pomp. There are many still living in Penzance who remember the time when they wouldn't venture on any account to pass through Voundervoor Lane after nightfall for fear of Mrs Baines's ghost. Sometimes she would flutter up from the garden or yard, just like an old hen,

and perch herself on the wall. Then, for an instant, one might get a glance of her spindle legs and high-heeled shoes before she vanished. Ooh. Ooh, that's very Wicked Witchy, isn't it? Yeah. She moved, unusually, from being a visible ghost to going full poltergeist. Oh.

And she also moved from the garden into the house. She started smashing things, doors, glass. Her spinning wheel could be heard. Spinning. That's an example of what that might have sounded like. Yeah. So, James, here we are. There's something strange in the neighbourhood of Boundivore Lane.

Who are you going to call? I don't know. Parson Singleton. It's Parson Singleton. Parson Singleton, one of the famous ghost- Reverence Parsons were treated as a sort of wizard-like wise men with the power to exorcise spirits. Parsons Singleton was brought in to deal with the ghost of Mrs. Baines. And he set a task that I think you will find a little bit familiar, James. Yeah?

He commanded her to weave ropes of sand. No! Yeah, friend of the show, ropes of sand, between St. Michael's Mount, which is an island that can be reached by causeway from near Penzance, and St. Clement's Isle, which is a smaller island near Mousel.

Oh. Now, that area now is what a man of maritime bent would describe as the sea ah but i think maybe we can infer from this story that they they were sort of sandy banks and the sea didn't come quite as close up to the land as it does now yeah otherwise that would be impossible completely impossible she was sentenced sentenced to weave a rope or to try for a thousand years, whichever comes soonest. And I think

we can only assume that she hasn't finished yet, but she will return. I guess so. Ultimately, no matter what. There's one more ghost busting relating to Mrs Baines in Cornish Feasts and Folklore by Margaret Ann Courtney, 1890. She does a little ghostbusting of her own.

Even after she was laid, the sound of her spinning wheel, remember that? Yes. Oh, yeah. You remember? People of the house continued to hear it until, at last, it was discovered that some leather, which had been nailed around a door to keep out drafts, was loose in places,

and that the whistling of the wind through this made the peculiar sound. Oh. Sorry, kids. It's haunted leather. Yeah, it was just noisy leather. Just squeaky. You know the way leather trousers go? Yes.

It's the same as that, but for doors. When sometimes you sit in a fancy chair, you have to say, it was the chair. It was the chair. It was the door. It wasn't a ghost. It was the door. Now, do you remember I mentioned St. Mary's Churchyard? Yes.

Nearby. Yeah. Full name, St. Mary the Virgin Church. Having a right old dig. It's been there for a while, but the current church was built in 1835. And I can tell you, James, it looks brand new. that was the first thing i said when i saw it it looks brand new all sharp edges it looks like it was made of lego i was i i thought it was fake and i was saying this so loudly a helpful churchman just a man who was standing in the churchyard came over

to explain oh really so the opposite of the old bus driver earlier? Yeah, he tapped a sign saying, I'm actually happy to talk to you. You're not in London now. A medal around his neck that said, please stand in front of this sign and talk to me. He explained that the rock there is very, very hard. So while you and I, James, might be used to saying

church is made of, you know, workable sandstones. Yeah, your sandstones. Full of intricate carvings. gargoyles grotesques yes there is a difference grotesques are really rubbish ones it's not not not like that in penzance no the stone is so hard that it's relatively flat it's relatively undetailed so the church still looks brand new even though it was built in 1835 It just doesn't have any fiddly bits. I can't back all of that up. Some of that was just told to me by a man.

That was told to a man in a churchyard. So there was a ghost in St. Mary's churchyard around about the same time as Mrs. Baines walked abroad on a nearby lane. And people would avoid walking through the churchyard at night. Would it tell them facts about Stone? Because I think I might be putting two and two together. James, wow. I'm genuine. If it were any less hot, I would have had chills.

I'm boiling. People were afraid to walk through St Mary's churchyard, but not one jolly Jack Tarr. Not one bold sailor. He wasn't afraid of ghosts. One dark and rainy night, a sailor who neither knew nor cared anything about the ghost of St. Mary's,

in taking the shortcut... Sorry, just a quick question. Do you know you're doing an accent, or is it like sometimes when you've been there so long, you've just picked it up? Yeah, I've just gone local, yes. It's very good. Don't get me wrong.

What happened? I forgot where we were. Sorry, I interrupted. you've just picked it up I've just gone local yes it's very good don't get me wrong what happened I forgot where we were sorry I interrupted he was taking a shortcut through the chapel yard he came as far as the chapel porch

when the ghost issued forth on the path and stood there bobbing its head and waving its shroudings before him ooh

the sailor said I'm gonna make the sailor a Geordie I don't have any evidence but I sort of feel like he's a Geordie because what he says is, H-A-L-L-O-A. Hello? Who or what are you?

said the sailor. I am one of the dead, the ghost answered. If you are one of the dead, what the juice do you do here above ground? What are you on down below? said the sailor. And what he did was punched the ghost in the head

boom he decked him James did you say decked in school yes yeah in down south yeah he decked him he leered him out

oh he's decked him he just decked him he's totally decked him he's just decked he's just decked the lad he's just decked a ghost oh he's decked him he's decked him

it's the words lost all meaning I've said it too many times. He decked him. He dealt the ghost a stunning blow over its head, which laid it sprawling on the stones. Now, James, you and I, we know a thing or two about ghosts. Yes.

That's an unusual method for dealing with them. Yes. Doesn't normally work. No. They're famously insubstantial. Yeah. You need some sort of proton pack. Yeah, yeah, you would.

So I think you've probably anticipated where this is going. There was no ghost in St. Mary's churchyard. There was merely a frolicsome gentleman called Captain Carthew who lived nearby and had been diverting himself and frightening the townsfolk out of their wits by personating the ghost. Oh. Don't come away from that story thinking that there were no ghosts abroad. Oh, right.

In Penzance, James. Good, yeah. There were tons of them. Tons more. And many more ghost-laying reverends, parsons, vicars, etc. One named Thomas Flavell could quell spirits by laying about him lustily with his walking cane. That was his style.

Did he put it between his legs and be like, wee, look at me? Wee! And they'd be all, ah! Oh, dear. I'm going to turn into an animal and return to hell. This is weird. The rector of Ladlock.

Ladlock. The Reverend Mr. Woods. He had an even better walking cane than Thomas Flavel. Yeah. He carried a stout ebony stick on its massive silver head, was engraved a pentacle or Solomon's seal, and on a broad ring or ferrule just below the knob were planetary signs and mystical figures.

This staff was regarded with curiosity and awe. It's said that by means of it, he ruled the planets, controlled evil spirits, repelled witchcraft, and performed supernatural work generally. Is this his business card? Just general, just general supernatural work. Now that stick sounds pretty impressive, but that stick and Mr Woods himself almost met their match

in what Billy Botts calls the tale of the Feathered Fiend. Ooh. This sounds like it might have just turned out to be a bird. It's a bird it was yeah it's a it's a bird yeah okay it is hard to not see as being just a bird but please please go with this guessing it was a magpie as well an evil spirit all right in the form of a very large bird with cold black plumage and fiery eyes, but of a kind unknown to Ladlock, folks, was seen perching on the church tower for several nights in succession, making an unnatural clamor which was heard far away. So clearly Ladlock's got a problem. Satan himself, in the form of a bird, is sitting on the church tower. Sitting on the church.

So naughty. Sitting on the church tower. He's just sitting there making annoying noises and during the divine service, distracting the flock of the pastor by its croaking and coin, as if in derision. Oh. Mm.

And you remember, of course, Woods comes equipped with a special magic stick yes problem is the bird's just just a bit too far away ah it's got a maximum range the magic stick so he's not able to you know yeah he can't get it and he and he can't reach it with his whip which is the other whoa thing that he has apparently like he's kind of an indiana james he is mr woods he's stumped until inspiration strikes what is the devil afraid of james i don't know give me a second okay let me think it through all right but every second you waste that bird is making annoying noises think about that um people looking at his feet uh eggs close oh surprisingly close it's unbaptized babies ah really yeah everyone knows that yeah yes he must have loads he must be thick with them yeah everyone knows the devil is afraid

of unbaptized babies and of course it comes to him he slaps his forehead he goes unbaptized babies he says aloud and his his clerk interrupts and says, bless me sure, tis a wonder I didn't think of that before. Now, I'm not doing the accent now. It's written like this. Right. Why, old people, who are the only ones that know anything, say a babe in a house is more used to keep evil spirits out of

N than a five-pointed star cut on the dorsal or any number of horseshoes nailed to the lentil. Offensive? Yes. Okay. It's very hard to read because it's written in dialect. So babies were the solution. Now, Alistair.

Yes, James. Wait, I'm no expert, but as a father, my experience of babies, they are smaller than walking sticks. They are smaller than walking sticks, James. You're absolutely right. Did he have some sort of baby sling? You've anticipated the problem that Mr. Woods did not.

What he did was he gathered together as many as he could. Twelve mothers with babies. Not all of them unbaptised, but beggars can't be choosers. Yeah. He got as many unbaptised babies as he could at short notice uh and he had them basically just waving their babies at the bird just pointing you know power of baby yes um their forces combine heart but they didn't combine because what the bird did slash satan was not look at the babies they just hopped over to the

other side of the church and they were like yeah look at the babies oh look at the baby baby baby and it just kept not looking hey devil i got a baptized baby here no it's exactly what i don't want to look at so what they did was they crossed the streams or to put that another way one baby started crying and then another baby started crying and then they all started screaming. And the bird was like, what is that noise? Hopped around to have a little look. Shot in the face by 12 babies. Many of the spectators said they saw sparks and blue flames thrown off with every flap of his huge wings.

Yeah, he took off straight into the sky and disappeared. Like an 80s computer. Sharks and blue flames thrown off with every flap of his huge wings. Ooh. Yeah, he took off straight into the sky and disappeared. Like an 80s computer-generated graphic. Yes. Special effect. Yeah, like the owl from Labyrinth. Yeah. It's like, flop, flop.

He's gone. He has never more been seen there from that time to this. Ooh. Because as a bird, how long could you reasonably have expected him to live? Especially when its eyes are on fire. I've got yet more ghost-laying Parsons for you, James. Mm-mm. GLPs?

Yeah. This is the story of Wild Harris. Mm-mm. The Bookaboo. What? Well, I think it might be the origin of the word Boogaboo. Oh. Bookaboo is an evil spirit, or Bookadoo.

Ooh. Do, D-H-U, meaning black, is a an evil spirit or booker do do dhu meaning black black spirit evil spirit right in in the cornish language and is it the origin of the game buckaroo could be let's see how much how much he manages to balance on this ghost there is a horse involved wild harris is the ghost of kennegy manor also known as the squire spirit. According to Margaret Ann Courtney... That's one person, right? Yes. He was killed while hunting when he fell from his horse. The horse was startled by a white hare, which is believed to be the spirit of a deserted maiden

which crossed its path. H-A-R-E, hare, obviously. He had loved a damsel who was an orphan, but his father and cruel housekeeper schemed against her. And one day she turned up drowned, only perhaps to return in the form of a rabbit, which precipitated the death of Wild Harris himself. Oh, an omen rabbit.

Bright eyes. Presumably red-eyed, we don't know. According to Bottrell, on winter's nights, the squire's ghost, with a dozen or more of his old comrades, inverted commas or shuts like spirits would assemble in the bowling green summer house where they might be seen and heard from the mansion even talking and singing and I'm sorry to say James swearing yeah and shouting in a state of uproarious mirth. What's he so pleased about, this ghost, this naughty ghost?

He was a party guy. He was a bedlam boy. He was a hoodlam. So he'd ride about hunting as a ghost. He'd go about drinking with his pals as a ghost. Nothing anyone could do could stop it. Lesser Parsons tried and failed to lay the spectre. Enter Parson Polkinghorn it's parson polkinghorn

james he's not afraid of any ghosts he is not afraid of no ghosts no he isn't he ain't afraid no ghosts i'm not afraid of any ghosts there's an invisible man sleeping in your bed who are you gonna call what the blimmin is he doing in there how do you even know that is inappropriate oh no that invisible man is cancelled i would say as soon as they got Parson Polkinghorn on the case, Wild Harris was toast because nobody does it like Polkinghorn. I don't know exactly how they got him involved, but I feel like they were like, hey, we're looking for Parson Polkinghorn.

And he was probably like, he's just cleaning something. And he was like, I don't exercise things anymore. I don't do that. I'm retired. Parson Polkinghorn? That's a name I've not heard in a long time. We heard you were the best. Martin Polkinghorn? Anyway, that's, I think, your

joke, is it? I think so. I had a really old joke about how Ben Kenobi isn't a good enough disguise because you can't keep your surname if you're on the run. You've got to change your surname. Keep because you can't keep your surname if you're on the run. You've got to change your surname. Keep your first name, change your surname. Yes.

You can't just be, I'm Ben Kenobi. You can't just be like, oh, I'm Alan Hitler. People would ask questions. But I suppose if you were called like Obi-Wan Smith. Yeah, it still raises a few eyebrows. Just change it all, anyway. Yeah, just change the whole name. So he says, all right, all right, one last case.

I'll help. But there must be, and he insisted on this, no intermeddling. That's probably what put him off the game in the first place, all the intermeddling. All the intermeddling. I'm sorry to tell you, James, there was some intermeddling. Ah, desperate. Ah, nice.

What did he say? The one thing he said was some intermeddling. Ah, desperate. Ah, what did he say? The one thing he said was no intermeddling. Several clergymen went to Carnegie, waiting for both the parson and Wild Harris to appear. They went to the summer house. Candles everywhere.

Very spooky atmosphere. But, no ghost. And they started to get a little bit impatient. And one of them, the curate of St. Heller, well, impatient of action, he took from his breast a book and read therefrom

some conjuring formulas by way of practice, or for mere pastime. What? Why are you doing the curate of St. Heller? The stinks of intermeddling. This is textbook intermeddling. He may as well have looked up a dictionary definition of intermeddling

and seen himself reading a dictionary. A little picture labelled the curate of St. Heller, who isn't named in the story. We don't know who you are. Just someone who glued in a small mirror. Of course, as soon as he read it, a crashing thunderclap burst over the building, shook it to its foundations and broke open the window.

The Parsons fell on the floor as if stunned and on opening their eyes, after being almost blinded by the lightning they beheld near the open door, a crowd of bookadoo grinning at them and then partially disappear in a misty vapor to be succeeded by others who all made ugly faces and contemptuous or threatening gestures really even with all these parsons yeah now they were like in the meadows so eventually polkinghorne arrives on the scene

and is like what's happening here because I think it begins with an I and ends with mtmeddling and using the magic words nom dom that's nom dom nom nom dom

nom nom nom nom nom nominative determinant dom terminism close it's in nom, dom. Or nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom. Nominative determinant. Dom-terminism. Close. It's in nomine domini. It's a rustic corruption of the Latin for in God's name. Ah, I nominate Jesus.

He gave a series of commands to the ghost of Wild Harris. Eventually. Yeah. Binding him up with a hempen cord. So, panic over. The bookaboo tangled up in a hempen cord. He turns to the old curate of St. Heller, picks up the book on the floor and says,

what's this? Oh, what's this? It's strange that there would be a book of conjuring spells here. She throws a little leaf through. Oh, you probably shouldn't have had that, should you? So I probably pushes it to his chest and the other guy stumbles back a little bit. You were lucky, actually, he says.

If you had chanced to have pronounced a word that you don't understand on the next leaf, you would have called either such malignant fiends flying in the tempest of this awful night as would have torn ye limb from limb or have carried ye away bodily. Perhaps becoming tired, they might have fixed ye on St. Ellers' steeple. For my part, I wish ye were there, lest a greater evil befall ye this night. Wow.

Yeah. That's in depth. I think at that point, it's reasonable to think, that's the end of the intermeddling. You'd hope. Paul Kinghorn led the evil spirit away using his nom-dom powers. Mm.

Back to your friend of mine, to Castle Andinus. Yeah, friend before. The fort. On his horse called Hector. Followed, I'm sorry to say, by those blimmin' clergymen. Ah. That, yeah, they crept along... Multipass them. All the time intermeddling on theirmen. Ah. Yeah, they crept along. Multipass them.

All the time, intermeddling on their minds. Ah, guys. Until finally, the devil had to intervene. Oh, no. As they were following along, they went past a little house which was being repaired. I think the thatch was being repaired. And a bundle of spars that had been left lying around, which are small rods pointed at both ends, used for securing the thatch,

were suddenly raised up in the air by a whirlwind and then fired through the air. At the multi-person? Yes. One of these devil-directed spars pierced St. Heller's curate's side, just above his pinbone, like an arrow shot from a bow. He fell on the ground like as if killed, and his companion, in drawing the spar out of his friend's side, had his hand burnt, just as if he had grasped red hot iron. Ouchy.

Yeah. Where's your pin bone? Hip joint. Thanks. We don't call it that now. No. Margaret Ann Courtney records that Wild Harris's ghost was finally laid to rest by a famous ghost-laying parson,

that's Polkinghorne. In the end, intermeddlers out of the way, Polkinghorne had a clear run at his destination, Castle Andemus, the Iron Age fort. And just like in the first story I told you, he managed to trap the ghost there by setting it an impossible task. He set the ghost of Wild Harris the task

of counting all the blades of grass within an enclosure in the fort nine times. Oof. Yeah, he's not going to the fort nine times. Oof. Yeah. He's not going to count all of them. Be realistic. Because surely by the time he gets to the ninth, there's some will have grown.

Yeah. Since the first. Yes. It's like the fourth or fifth bridge. Yes. We don't know how many bridges there are. By the time you get to the end of the fourth bridge, there's a fifth bridge.

And that is the final ghost-busting parson of penzance and surrounding parishes excellent stuff terrifying true tales of real ghosts and a squeaky door yes james how do you feel about um placing some scores upon these tales oh i'm very ready yeah yep yep yep all right my first category for you is names yes penzance is a lovely name yes the holy headland the holy headland yep holy headland something else i mean zance is like sands like saints it's a holy well we got willie bots yeah billy bots the wrote the robot willie um vandervoor lane who knows how that's even meant to be pronounced Yeah, Billy Bots. The robot, Willie. Vandervoor Lane. Who knows how that's even meant to be pronounced?

Bookaboos. Carnegie Manor. Margaret and Courtney. Margaret and Courtney. Polking Horn. Yes. The Molto Pasta, which I think is Italian for many dinners, by the way. Molto Pasta.

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic names. I love a Cornish name. I'm going to goo. Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic names. I love a Cornish name. I'm going to go five. Okay, well, in that case, next category, supernatural. You know it's got to be good. If you've got the ghost of a lady who was shot and then who died with shot. Yeah.

Not of, James. No, she died with bullets. Well, she's going gonna also be making a comeback that's the thing these ghosts that can only be laid in the parish they live in but you can't get rid of them you just got to distract them so either of them could make a comeback when their tasks are complete i mean the noise of the spinning that was a bit disappointing that that did turn out to be yep that was a little disappointing yeah i slightly overplayed that with my brilliant acting it was very good acting you'd think i was a spinning wheel i was doing a little research on the on the ghost of penzance and that lady did crop up but none of the gunplay stuff just that she was a ghost that walked through a wall sometimes well i'm glad to provide you some some gun violence

yeah that's what the kids like and listening. And listening to Morse code. And podcasts about folklore. Yeah. At least one teen listener came to my live show. Really? Yeah. There was a veritable teen, a spooky teen, who said, I listen to Alluremen. I am the teen listenership.

Wow. So we got a teen listenership. And then they skateboarded off? Yeah. Yeah, they did. Into the they skateboarded off? Yeah, they did. Into the night? Yeah. Radical, they said. They caught some bodacious air and just left.

Ganali. So supernatural. So supernatural. Five out of five. Yes! It was great. It was spooky. But then it also had Ghostbusters and ghosts getting their comeuppance.

Yeah. And also the devil. On the subject of comeuppance my next category how do you like them apples which is a phrase that i don't really understand i don't understand it we don't understand it in england but we do say it with relish some people say it and i don't like them should be how do you like those apples how do you like these apples? How do you like these apples? Why do you like apples? Why are you asking people's opinion about apples? It doesn't make a lot of sense. But what it means, I think, is, ah, sick on. Right? Yeah.

And this is, there are lots of sick on situations here, right? We've got noises for that. We don't need words. Yeah, I think Mrs. Bain's got a very much how do you like them apples situation when she instructed a man to shoot anyone in the orchard and then got shot in her own orchard yeah to try the orchard i don't know what she was expecting uh really what did she think was going to happen but she got i am killed what a catchphrase we've got the devil yeah being slapped in the face with 12 babies, the last thing it would want.

In this case, the apples are babies. I still think they should have fired them at the devil. In an ideal world, yeah. In an ideal world. The intermeddling vicars very much got their comeuppance. Oh, they did. Well, they very nearly got even more than comeuppance. They almost got a whole orchard's worth of apples.

It happened twice. Yeah, they were like, oh, close one, time for you to skedaddle, and they were like, we'll just keep coming a bit and follow along a little while until I nearly die. So that's a good what's that, four comeuppances or three?

I think it's probably four. I haven't been counting. Wait a minute. We've got the lady in the orchard. I've got another one for you, James. What about the guy who pretended to be a ghost for no reason and got punched in the face? By a geordie, yeah. Okay, it's a four.

I was going to like them apples. How do you like them apples? And this case, the apple is my fist. Here's an orchard for you. Bang. How about you have a nibble on this? This cocks his pippin. Bang. How about you have a nibble on this? Cox's Pippin. Bang.

Yeah. Okay, four. I think it was actually five, but fine. Moving on to my final category, Ghostbusters. But there were only four Ghostbusters. Ah, were there? In the film. In the film, there were only four Ghostbusters, but I carefully made sure that there were six in this,

in case you said that. Six? Yeah. Six? I'm pretty certain I had five Ghostland Parsons. No, four Ghostland Parsons. One Geordie Saylor. Plus Geordie.lor plus Geordie

plus Margot and Courtney herself when she ghost busted the spinning wheel ghost that's more debunked it's a form of busting debunk is a form of bust alright then

alright then I can't remember how many ghost busting vicars we had as long as you're not counting any of those multi-pasto i'm absolutely not counting the multi-pass okay i don't know if they should subtract some ghost busting but i'll let it slide i'll give you five this was a high scoring tale

you deserve it that was very that was very high scoring it was great stories. And there's absolutely loads more. Oh yeah. So I did a bit of research into Penzance and I found in Ghosts of Cornwall by Peter Underwood, president of the Ghost Club Society. Oh, that's Indiana Jones. Sorry, I was trying to do the National

Anthem but I did Indiana Jones. And yeah, I've got some very spooky stuff from Penzance. Oh, how exciting. From the Dolphin Inn. James. Yes. I've been there. You've been to the Dolphin Inn?

I had a spinach pie. Really? Yes. Oh. But then I came back the next day and they said, we're not doing food. And we haven't for 10 years. Yeah, that spinach pie was a ghost. Oh, no.

Sounds like we've got a third Cornish episode on our hands. I think it's good for the summer, isn't it? Have a little summer break down in Cornwall. Have a little holiday. Have a little holiday. Did you have a nice time? It was nice, yeah. Got a little break.

Good. I had a little break away as well. A little break away? I went to see if the standing stones in Enston would move on Midsummer's Eve. If they do, in fact, move. Yeah. It's a shame no one was recording that in any way. You know what, actually?

What, actually? It was recorded by some friends of the show, the Quantum Mechanics Paranormal Podcast. And we did a little live stream to see a sort of it sort of got called stone watch 2023 and i kind of like the idea of you know making it a rival to spring watch but for a stone just for one night just to see to see if a stone that spoilers is definitely not going to move. Moves. Yes, exactly. Yes, spoiler. The stone did not go down to the River Frederick, revealing the chest full of gold.

No way, it didn't move. As we've said multiple times before, it's not about the destination. It's not, it's about the journey. A pot of gold. It's about the stones that we stare at along the way. It's about the journey that that stone did not make. Yeah. As it stayed motionless relative along the way. It's about the journey that that stone did not make. Yeah. As it stayed motionless relative to the Earth.

Absolutely motionless. But if you stay on after the end, or at the end of the podcast, there's a little snippet from the Quantum Mechanics podcast, which you can go check out. A little free bit of a different podcast. Free bit of a different podcast. Or go check it out,

youtube.com forward slash lawmenpodcast. For that and more. And more. And more. It's not as piratey as you think, Penzance. But way more parson-y. A load of parsons. You can't move for parsons. Parsnips and parsons are unrelated.

Unrelated as far as I know. Cool. Keep it that way. It's the listener. A load of Parsons. You can't move for Parsons. Parsnips and Parsons are unrelated. Unrelated as far as I know. Cool. Keep it that way. It's the listener. The listener is impressed by just the quick wit on display in our podcast. It's like that where you notice two words sound similar. Is there more of this available from the podcast?

Is there? There's stuff that we didn't even put in this. Just like even lower quality banter than podcast? Is there? There's stuff that we didn't even put in this. There's like even lower quality banter than this. Is there? There's fewer quality. How can people access it

should they wish to? At patreon.com forward slash lawmenpod and they'll also get access to the Lawfolk Discord where they can make

like-minded law folks that devil belongs in a museum of devils um it's midsummer it's midsummer and we're in the middle well it's where we were last year we're by some standing stones we're waiting for them to go and take a drink at the pub we're with our very good friend james from the lawmen hello and somebody else who is a friend of the show tim who's over there hello there are basically four men standing at the side of an intersection of two roads with some stones. Yeah, I mean, we did this last year. And to be frank, when it hit midnight, we were here to see these stones move, probably go and get a drink, either at the pub or the stream.

There seems to be some debate about that. And anyone who listened to last year, year didn't really come off last year but we do think we may have had the wrong midsummers isn't that right james uh it depends whether it's going for the celestial or the sort of traditional calendar one yeah so we thought we'd give it another crack this year um so yeah this is stone watch 2023 don't worry we do have other stuff to come up we're not going to fill the show just with that