Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep54: Loremen S4Ep54 - The Tanuki with Yuriko Kotani

Episode Date: August 3, 2023

Comedian Yuriko Kotani returns to the pod to tangle with a shapeshifting trickster. The tanuki (or racoon dog) is both a real animal and a very cheeky yōkai. (That’s a spirit in Japanese folklore, but you probably knew that.) This furry little fellow is famed for his enormous… that is to say his massive… well… he’s got a lot of chutzpah, let’s leave it at that. But who’s that by the side of the road? A crying loreman? A tricksy tanuki? Or could it be Japan’s chilling faceless ghost… the noppera-bō? Loreboys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. With me, James shakeshaft and me alistair beckett king and alistair it's another deputy episode is it yeah it's it's not a recurring law person is it it is it's it's a third timer for yuriko katani yeah oh you're doing your lucky cat impression yeah that won't work because that hasn't happened in the podcast yet. No, that joke will make sense later. Hey, Alistair Beckett King. Hello, James Shakespeareft.

How are you? I'm well, thank you. Fine. Well, Alistair, I'm itching to get started on this episode. You've come steaming in here. I have, actually. We've got a guest lawperson, a deputy. Oh, right. We've got a recurring deputy lawperson.

Well, let's dispense with the flim-flam, for goodness sake, James. Returning deputy lawperson. Recurring and returning? Yes. It's yuriko katani hello yuriko hi how are you i'm very well thank you how are you i just i just did that entrance you did you did you did clap yourself but we weren't going to draw attention to it oh no join in it turns out nope absolutely, absolutely not. No, I'll clap now. Too late.

And you can just lay that. Oh, yes. Okay, all right. Or you just do one. I'm going to do one clap and I'll loop it because I'm ever so lazy. Just loop that one clap, yeah. How's it going, Yuriko? Very good, thank you.

I'm enjoying any of my friends' preparation. Oh, and we're so close. Not to stress you out, and we're so close not to stress you out but we're so close so nearly now you know what it's gonna be good and fun right yeah yeah i mean there's no proof it isn't gonna be good and fun yes i take it you're doing a show. Oh, yes. Yes. Sorry.

Oh, yes. I don't know what I was saying. The Edinburgh Fringe is happening in my brain. But, yes. Oh, no. I'm taking my show and it's going to be good and fun. Repeat. I repeat to myself.

What's the show called this year? This is my work. I repeat to myself. What's the show called this year? This is my work. This is my work. Oh, nice. Reflecting your serious and business-like approach to stand-up comedy. A lot of people don't realise that Yuriko is one of the

most cutthroat, hard-nosed comedians on the circuit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she will stab you in the back as quick as betray you. Oh, yeah. Not even trying to deny it. She's proud of it. Yeah.

Like, yeah, business. Very business. Oh, yeah. Very business. That's what everyone says about Yuriko. Very business. But, Yuriko, just a quick sort of round-up of your previous appearances on the podcast. We've talked the Jin Man Ken, the human-faced dog. Leave me alone.

Which, of course, has the catchphrase, leave me alone. Yeah. Ideally said whilst rooting through bins for food. Yeah, scrabbling around the bins. Yeah. That's what I say it. For me, that conjures up memories of Edinburgh. You weren't there last year, James.

The bins were on strike. Oh, the bins were actually quite bad, weren't they? Yeah, the refuse collectors were on strike, and blimey, they made their point. Yes. Those bins said, leave me alone. A lot of the punters said that when you tried to fly them. Yeah, because they've got nowhere to put the flyers anymore.

They used to go straight in the bin. Yeah. I saw one while my flyer was on the floor and then on the pavement. With the classic footprint on the face. Oh, yes. Like many footprints. And I pick it up and I still have it with me. Do you have a little locket?

Do you carry it always? Maybe I should. I should. I should make it small and, yeah, carry it with my crystals. Yes. Fold it up and put it in your breast pocket. And then if you're shot by a baddie at some point, maybe it'll stop the bullet.

It'd be awful if it didn't, though. Yeah, that would. Not only did they not come to the show, it did stop the bullet. So that's a double failure. Yeah. Anxiety and a death altogether. That's Edinburgh.

That's Yuriko's other nickname. It's all business and also anxiety and death. Two catchphrases. Well, your other appearance, your other previous appearance on the show was to discuss the Japanese... Is it a yokai? The kappa.

Yokai. Yokai, sorry. Kappa, yes. Kappa. The shirakodama-loving aquatic beast. With a little dish in his head, I remember. It's got a little dish in his head i remember it's got the little dish in its head full of water and if you can trick it into bowing that will incapacitate it because the water will spill from the bowl thus incapacitating the kappa and all the design floor it's so easy to hotwire a kappa that is i'd say an argument against intelligent design

but in winter the water would freeze oh and the capital of limitless power would be unstoppable wow i never thought in that wow no that's a very good point actually i've stunned myself with that revelation which quite likely i also said when we recorded the episode and we've all forgotten. There's a very good chance that we're retreading old riffs here. Yes. So let's move on to your third appearance. And what we're going to be talking about this time is sort of a yokai. It's the tanuki. I've heard that word before.

You have? Have you heard it? Where have you heard it? I've heard that word before. You have? Have you heard it? Where have you heard it? I have heard it in a little-known indie franchise called Super Mario the Plumber. Super Mario Plumbers.

That's what it's called, Super Mario Plumbers. Mario become, yeah, become Tanuki. Tanuki Mario. I have to be clear. For me, it was Raccoon Mario, because that's what it said. Yes. And I would say to my mum when I played it on the Super Nintendo or SNES, he's become a raccoon and now he can fly.

And she would say, why can a raccoon fly? And I would say, oh, mum, with his tail. Obviously. And now in retrospect, that doesn't make any sense. So please explain that. Well, the Tanooki is a Japanese raccoon dog. Wait, it's a dog? It's a raccoon dog?

It's referred to as a raccoon dog. And I've done some cursory research on the various forms of dog-like creature, which runs the full gamut from polar bear, the biggest, all the way down to the bear, the biggest. What? All the way down to the smallest, the least weasel. The smallest dog is called the least weasel? Yeah. A polar bear has a dog?

That's mind-blowing information. I knew it. I knew that bears were dogs because bears look like people in dog costumes. I've said it before and I'll say it again. But if a bear tells you, leave me alone, you leave it alone. Definitely. I mean, they are massive. On people in bear costume news, there was a recent report. I say report.

There was a recent news story. I think this is really serious news if it's the story I have heard also. About the sun bear in China. Nope, that's a totally different story. Carry on. There's a load of people saw a bear in a zoo in China standing on its hind legs. And because of the way its skin folded up at the back and it was stood up very straight, it did very much look like a human in a bear costume and that became a story in the news as spokesman pointed out it was 40 degrees heat

if there had been a human in a bear costume they would have died it's just science yeah it's simple science my shockingly similar story was the there was a news report about a japanese guy who has a very realistic dog costume that he wears oh is that the collie man yeah and it's been reported as japanese man dresses up as border collie and it's nonsense because it's not a border collie it's a rough collie he looks like lassie border collies are black and white it's ridiculous get your facts straight the internet it's not a border collie. Yeah, details, please. Has this guy got a catchphrase?

Wowzers. The tanuki in real life is quite prevalent in Japan. I read a stat which I think must have been a misprint. It says that a conservative estimate is that 370,000 are killed a year on the roads. Whoa. That's a lot. That's more, I've done the math, so you don't have to. That's more than a thousand a day.

That, I mean, Tanuki, guys, if you're getting tired, pull over. What are they doing? They should put a sign up yeah are you a tanuki then stop have a rest please that's sad that's too many that's a lot that is a lot and i it's got that's got to be a decimal point in the wrong place i'm going to reanimate the start of spirited away and have a realistic number of raccoons bouncing off the bonnet of the car as they wind down the country lanes to make it more accurate just a little bit of realism please yeah jibbly what was that no time we've got to

turn it to pigs yes don't stop keep going oh Spoilers for the first 10 minutes of Spirited Away. They don't run over any tanuki. Double spoilers. Inaccurately, they don't hit a single tanuki. So that's the real tanukis, the Japanese raccoon dogs. Constantly dying on the roads. The tanukis I want to talk to you about are the tanukis of folklore, and they are a lot of fun. Mm-hmm. the tanookis of folklore and they are a lot of fun they're they're cheeky they're kooky they're lazy they're like a sake they're like a cheeky sake do they they're like a cheeky sake and they

have i would say straight in at number one they've got the largest um how to put this politely yuriko yuriko's pulling a facial expression here what are they what could possibly be large about these raccoons well in the ghibli film pompoko which is all about tanuki uh they are it the thing i'm trying to dance around is referred to as a raccoon pouch. Right, like a kangaroo. No, these pouches are lower down than usually come in pairs. I think you're going to have to switch your camera on and start miming, James. How else can we know what you mean? Yes.

Show us your pouch, James. So they're the sort of pouches you might find between the legs. Mm-hmm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Not just one. Yeah, usually in pairs.

Often in pairs. Mm-hmm. Seldom in threes. Yeah. And, yeah, sometimes just the one. Mm-hmm. True. So if you go to Japan, Alistair, you're likely to see shops.

And outside those shops, you're likely to see a little sort of statue. A little guy. I've seen that him. What does he do? That's a friendly little tanuki. Yeah. What would you say, Yuriko? Is it kind of a good luck thing?

Never thought about it. I thought it's just what it is. It's just a raccoon there. There's just your usual shop raccoon. Tanuki usually holding a big bottle of sake, big belly, pouches, and wearing hat. According to Wikipedia, they have eight traits these these little these statues oh i love this they each have a different meaning oh my god so philosophical yes so they

have a hat yeah and that is to be ready to protect against trouble or bad weather i want it they've got big eyes to perceive the environment and help to make good decisions. That's what eyes are for. Exactly. They have a sake bottle and that represents virtue. Does it? Sake being alcohol or booze. Just for the European listeners, he's talking about sake.

Sake, that's what we call it here. I'm not, I'm talking. We call it sake. We're talking about sake. He's just pronouncing it correctly, so don't be confused. Thank you. Thank you for translating. I'm just going to translate into ignorant. They have a big tail that provides steadiness and strength

until success is achieved. Mario. Mario is all about that. These raccoons are all business they're to me they're sort of the animal version of yuriko well you know what that oversized scrotum symbolizes again we're on the tanuki here not yuriko oh sorry yeah that symbolizes financial luck oh so they don't actually because what i've seen those obviously in pictures i've seen them standing outside shops and i always assumed that i don't know you put what I've seen those, obviously in pictures I've seen them standing outside shops, and I always assumed that, I don't know, you put a coin in the top

and it buffs your shoes with its pouch. I don't know what I thought happened. I assumed they performed a function like those rides outside the supermarket for kids. Or the little blind boy. Yes, they were collecting money, maybe. No, I don't think, they don't have a slot at them. They're not for money.

They're just for, I think, general good luck. Yeah, I've never thought why. Because, for example, Lucky Cat. Do you know Lucky Cat? Yeah, this is the guy with the gold cat with the arm who's always punching you. Yes, punching down. He's for luck, is he? So these Lucky Cats are welcoming fortune, prosperity.

Right. Are they waving it in or are they beckoning it? Like, come in. Come in. Oh, I always thought it was like that. Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo. Gesture that people did in the 90s, you know?

Like, woo. Woo, woo. That sort of lad culture. I'm cheering on good luck. Oh, the cheering luck. Yeah, yeah. Go luck. Love you luck.

Go on luck, you good thing. I've got three more. Three more traits. Promissory note that represents trust or confidence. And a big belly that symbolises bold and calm decisiveness. And finally, a friendly smile. Important. That's the eight traits of the tanuki.

And yeah, it took me a while of seeing them to realise quite what was going on downstairs. When you see it at a glance, it looks like they might have four legs. But then you realise that the middle two legs are um representing financial luck so i've got a pretty scary tale for you yeah re-tanookies now this is retold by lafcadio hearn who i believe we've talked about before on the episode yeah i remember that name he was of greek and irish ancestry he was your classic greek irishman he's a classic greek irishman and he moved to japan in 1890 as a correspondent for a newspaper and settled down there and became like a sort of quite a famous figure in japan i believe

we can see just how famous he is from the noise Yuriko made there like literally never heard of this person before famous he's written a number of books and he's sort of like western eye on that period of Japanese history oh yeah and there is like his house where he lived him is is like a museum kind of thing in japan but he'd lived there 14 years i realized the other day i've got a mug that is 18 years old what what kind of mug what does it say superman mug from the film superman returns which i think came out in like 2005 or something i got got it with an Easter egg. This is old enough to vote this mug. It's old enough to drive and buy a pint, which wouldn't fit in it. Lafcadio Hearn, despite

spending less time in Japan than this mug has spent in my cupboard, although to be fair, it is one of the more respected mugs in my cupboard. It's a senior mug senior mug yeah is it because it's there for longer than other mugs so respect i think so yeah i think so i think the other mugs i hope the other mugs sort of look up to it for tips on how not to get chipped or have a handle get snapped for me i think the um the the period lifting the mug out of the

suds as you're washing it to go to the drying area that is the point at which 90 of my things get broken that for me that's the danger zone really it's already clean but it's just but it's slippery james oh it's it's sudsy it's covered in soap and i've got to turn it and put it upside down on a little rack gone you need to get rinsing for a start though you can't be just leaving it sudsy oh it's all it's all right for you james you've probably got one of those second sinks like a little spare sink just for rinsing. Not everyone lives in an ivory castle with two sinks. I haven't got a spare sink just for butlers.

You just pass it to your gentleman's gentleman and he washes it. So this story is confusingly called Mujina, which is the name of a Japanese badger rather than a tanuki, which is also a real creature and also a folkloric creature that's a shapeshifter that's cheeky. But at one point, basically, Mujina and tanuki were interchangeable words, even though they actually referred to different animals. Right.

But in this case, Lafcadio Hearn is referring to a Tanuki. It's very confusing. I'm Googling Mujina right now. M-U-J-I-N-A. The Japanese badger. Got it? Because it's not that. It's still a Tanuki.

Just Google a picture of a badger and then immediately dismiss that from your mind because that isn't it. Oh we have a word. Same whole mugina. We get a phrase which I knew. What does that mean? Means even though they're not related it's nothing to do with you but but actually it's the same. Wikipedia puts it I think the most succinctly but confusingly. A Mujinat is an old Japanese term primarily referring to the Japanese badger, but traditionally

to the Japanese raccoon dog, Tanuki, causing confusion. Adding to the confusion, it may also refer to the masked palm civet. Great. So there's three animals that it could be, two of which are mythological. And in this case, as we'll find out when we read the story,

it's referring to a shape-shifting animal that is never in its non-shape-shifted form. Okay, so... Regina. non-shape-shifted form okay so this is a story from someone who died 30 years previously so let's say as a rough guess lafcadio heard it around 1895 this is someone who died by 1865 and it happened to them when they were younger so we're talking early 1800s and this guy at a very late hour was walking up the Akasaka road in Tokyo up a slope called the Kino Kunizaka and there is an ancient moat which was very deep and very wide with very high banks

on it and as he was passing that he saw a woman crouching by the side of the moat all on her own crying quite a lot weeping bitterly yeah i know you should be sympathetic in that situation but my my suspicions are instantly aroused he was guy. He was maybe... You're a better man than me, this guy. He said, oh, Jochu. I hope that's not a demeaning or offensive term. Did he add that? A very, very woke historical Japanese man. Tell me what the trouble is,

and if there be any way to help you, I shall be glad to help you. And it says here, he really meant what he said, for he was a very kind man, just to really hammer it home against you, it seems. Yeah, I didn't realise the story was going to go in its way to make me look bad. And she continued to weep, hiding her face from him in her sleeves.

And he said, please listen to me. This is no place for a young lady at night. Do not cry, I implore you you tell me how i may be of some help to you and she slowly rose up with her back turned to him continuing to moan and sob and he put his hand lightly on her shoulder and said listen to me listen to me and then she turned dropped her sleeve stroked her face with her hand, and the man saw that she had no eyes or nose or mouth. Oh!

What? And he screamed and ran away. She was a... Please correct me, Yuriko. She was a... No perrobo! No perrobo, yes. What's a no perrobo?

No, I'm not saying it right, but I'm scared. No perrobo?o, yes. What's a nobobo? No, I'm not saying it right, but I'm scared. Nobobo? Yeah, yes. Nobobo. It's basically got no face. It's got a head with no features at all. Oh, so not holes, not voids, but just blank. No, just smooth like an egg.

Ooh, like my face. But without beard. Yeah, without the beard. My face without a beard. Ooh, like my face. But without beard. Yeah, without the beard. My face without a beard. Completely blank and featureless. Oh, yeah. How terrifying. He ran away.

Yeah. Unsurprisingly. He ran and ran. Never looked back. Then he saw a lantern far away. This is why you should never help anyone. Every one of these stories teaches the same lesson, and it's just don't help people.

Just please don't help people. Please don't help anyone every one of these stories teaches the same lesson and it's just don't help people just please don't help please don't help anyone right but he saw a lantern and he ran towards it and it it turned out to be the lantern of an itinerant soba seller so it was a kind of noodles right so this is basically a fast food vendor yeah very sophisticated japan having fast food in like 1860. Fast noodles. The London equivalent would have just been a man in a hole with some hot fat, like some offal, maybe, some tepid offal that he would have slapped you. He would have just slapped at you with his hands.

No implements, nothing. Just hand slapping. So he got over to the sobber cellar. Toppings a slap. And he just flung himself down at his feet, crying out, ah, ah, ah. And the sober man said, corre, corre, here, what's the matter with you?

Anybody hurt you? He says, no, no, nobody hurt me. Only, ah, ah. Only scared you, queried the peddler. Robbers? No, not robbers, not robbers. I saw, I saw a woman by the moat and she showed me. Oh, I can't tell you what she showed me.

Ah, hmm? Heh. Was it anything like this that she showed you? Another. Said the sober man, stroking his own face, which therewith became like unto an egg. It didn't become unto like an egg, did it, James? And simultaneously, the light went out. Ah, terrifying.

This is really scary. I thought there was going to be a fun monkey thing in it. Nope. Just scary egg face people. Okay. Yeah. Another one. Another not parable. Another not parable. Another Noparabo.

Another Noparabo. Or was it the same one just getting around there before him? Because I think the implication is that that was actually a tanuki pretending to be a Noparabo in order to freak the guy out. Yes. That's, yeah. Right. So it's shapeshifted into a different monster.

Of course that makes much more sense. Cheeky. They're so cheeky. Do you want to hear of some famous other tanuki? Mm-hmm. There was bozu tanuki, which seemed to sort of haunt a particular bridge, and you'd go over it, and you'd get to the other side

and your head was shaved. Skinhead bridge? Skinhead bridge. Wow. The Shiro Dokuri, the white wine bottle. It would disguise itself as a wine bottle. When you went to pick it up, it would roll away. Oh, yeah, yeah. Tanuki as a wine bottle. When you went to pick it up, it would roll away. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Tanuki disguised as bottle. These tanuki sound quite mischievous. A lot less helpful than the tanuki outside the shop that you were describing, who seemed like quite an industrious member of civil society. These guys sound quite annoying. Yeah, why is that eight traits? Yeah. Eight traits score

I don't know, you know what, I don't know What about financial prudence? You can't make a living pretending to be a bottle and then just rolling away from people How are you going to monetise that? What a ridiculous talent Excellent questions all What do you do for a living? Do you really want to know?

Pretend to be a bottle of sake and just roll away. I shave people's heads. For money? No, just if they cross a bridge. Any bridge? No, just one bridge. Just briefly, just so you don't sleep easy at night,

do you want to hear about some more recent sightings of the Noparabu? Oh, yeah. Is that what I'm saying, am I right? Yep. N recent sightings of the Noparabu? Oh, yeah. Is that what I'm saying, that right? Yep. Noparabu. Noparabu. One of the more recent sightings was in 1959 in Hawaii at a drive-in movie theatre.

Someone said they saw one in the lady's bathroom. Oh. Which I guess would be quite easy to spot because of the mirrors. How do we know it isn't a bald person facing the other way good question perhaps a woman

who went over that bridge on her way to Hawaii just back yeah it could just be the back of someone's head have we have we definitely

ruled out it being the back of someone's head it could have been Moby and he's just wearing the wig wig on your face yeah it could have been it could have been it could have been Moby. And he's just wearing the wig on your face. Yeah, it could have been Moby wearing a wig on the front of his face. It could have been.

He could have had a normal wig on and sneezed, causing the wig to flip. Well, in 1981, Glenn Grant, a Hawaiian historian, folklorist and author, dismissed the story as a rumour on his radio show, only to be called by someone claiming to be the actual witness. Wow. Who gave more details on the event, including the previously unreported detail that the nopera bo in question had red hair.

Oh! A featureless face. Featureless face and red hair. Ah! No! A featureless face. Mm, featureless face and red hair. Yeah. Could easily have been you. It could have been me. It could have been anyone. It could very much well have been you.

Could have been me or Moby. We just don't know. Or Moby dressed as me. Well, there you have it. Tanuki and potentially other Japanese folklore beasts. I would say, I mean, obviously, you know, I don't want to be rude, but I would say, Japan, you need to sort your folklore out.

Your categories are vague at this point. You've got one name for nine different things sorted out. And you've got some of them pretending to be other supernatural entities. It's a mess, frankly. That's what they're going to do, the shapeshifters. So, Alistair, are you ready to score us? I'd love to.

You sound really nervous there, Yuriko. You're not confident this time. But go ahead. I'll accept whatever. You'll accept my judgment. Thank you. Whatever the, yes, score, I will hear. No, Yuriko.

No, I love this. James is planning to argue, but Yuriko is planning to simply accept whatever scores are handed down without dispute. Fine, then love this. James is planning to argue, but Yuriko is planning to simply accept whatever scores are handed down without dispute. Fine then. Okay. James, can we do any argument? We're going to negotiate. We've got to negotiate it out. It's like, let me put this in Japanese terms. It's like Phoenix Wright, the ace attorney.

Object. Okay then. Okay. Let's go first category supernatural well it's it's got to be high hasn't it it's got to be i'm not i'm you know it's it's a five out of five for supernatural yes it's j to my knowledge, and it's based purely on this podcast, is a magical land full of incoherent and wonderful things. Yes. Okay, then.

Category the second, naming. Names. Yes. All right. Now, a lot of them were in Japanese. A lot of them were. Lafcadio Hearn, great name. Your classic Greek Irishman's name.

Yep. Lafcadio Hearn, great name. Your classic Greek Irishman's name. Yep. Lafcadio Hearn. That's a good name, and I understand all of the noises in it. Mm. Mm-hmm. Noparabo? Oh, yeah. Noparabo?

I don't know if I'm saying it right. Noparabo. I think it's good, but it's mainly because I'm associating it with the fear that that story instilled. Oh, yeah. It's a name that spreads a chill throughout your bones and blankens the face. Or a back face. Or the back of a bald man's head, yeah.

But equally frightening. Why is he walking away? What have I said? Have I said something to upset Moby? It's a tense situation. Maybe he's just going to get my honey and he'll come back. We don't know. Why is Moby getting honey? get my honey and he'll come back we don't know why is my baby getting honey is that my honey come back sometimes it's well it's just probably the most famous song that he did oh i don't know enough about his songs sample he sampled it someone else said that

anyway i don't think i've ever understood what the words were i think think it was Get My Honey Come Back. What's the other one? Troublesome Guy. Oh, Lord, Troublesome Guy. I don't think it's Troublesome Guy. God being a Troublesome Guy. I don't think that's the words. On a mug was a Troublesome Guy. No? I'm pretty sure it is. It's Oh, Lord, Troublesome Guy.

I think it's Trouble So Hard. That makes more sense than Troublesome Guy, does it? Troublesome Guy. I'll tell you who is a Troublesome Guy. I think it's Trouble So Hard. That makes more sense than Troublesome Guy, does it? Troublesome Guy. I'll tell you who is a Troublesome Guy. Moby wearing a ginger wig across his face, walking around backwards. In Hawaii in the 50s. You weird man.

Why are you doing this? Get out. Troublesome Guy. He's a Troublesome Guy. And you know who else was a Troublesome Guy? The raccoons. What were our names? What other names were there?

Moby, Lafcadio Hearn. There were the Tanuki. The Tanuki, great name, as in Tanuki Mario. The... Tanuki Mario. Least Weasel. Least Weasel. The Least Weasel.

Forget it. I'm rendering my verdict. It's five out of five. Yes. And that is entirely because of the least weasel. The smallest dog. The least weasel. I mean, think of the anxiety

that guy already feels. And to name it the least weasel. Oh wow, I can't believe I've come in so... These scores are so high. I'm going to have to toughen up. I'm putting on my game face, which is a blank, not put a bow. A blank face. Gulps.

It's like being sat behind Moby at the cinema. Oi, Moby, flick your fake hair to one side, please. For your benefit as much as mine. When you play poker, can you put not put a ball face? Yeah, just, it's just gone. Yeah. Oh, it's eggs. It's old egg.

That's what they say when they play me at Uh-oh, it's eggs. It's old egg, and again. Uh-oh, it's eggs. That's what they say when they're playing me at poker. Uh-oh, it's eggs. The next category is symbols of financial prowess. Ooh, they were hefty. They were bold. They were spherical. They were briefly golden. They were magical. I'm pretty certain They were briefly golden. They were magical.

I'm pretty certain I remember in Pompoko, at one point they turn into a blanket and everyone sits down on the blanket. And then disgustingly, he sucks them back in like you would. Like a measuring tape, he just retracts it. And I was like, I'm not watching this anymore. Put the DVD straight off. Really?

You can't put that in a kid's film yep that was it for me it's like now no he boasted that his financial prowess was uh eight tatami mats big what they're all sat on it and they're like you like that rug you're sitting on oh yeah carpet is actually my financial prowess what and he retracted it inside himself so i i feel like it should be high score on the other hand that the the item that we're referring to classically comes in twos so i feel compelled by the rules of the game to give you a two what two financial is what it's what he's got i mean they're a they're a big two but there are two of them okay yeah that's backfired i thought that's my fault yuriko

apologize it's okay this is the first time james done the podcast so you know let's give him a break final category final category you remember before we had the human face dog now we've got the non-faced human okay a turnaround the non-faced human yes which was also technically a raccoon dog it's a non-faced human raccoon dog so it's the inverted jinn man ken i think so i think this is the anti-jinn man ken oh so they fight yeah i guess they're natural enemies they They must be. The noparabo will not leave the jimman can alone. No. No.

The jimman can is cursed to have a human face and emotions. The noparabo's going around going, you don't know what I'm thinking. Whoa. But also, the noparabo cannot even eat any rubbish because it hasn't even got a mouth. You can't snuffle without a nose either, can you? No.

No, no, no. Wow. any rubbish because it hasn't even got a mouth. You can't snuffle without a nose either, can you? No. Wow. So how many Noparabo did we have? We've got the first woman, the woman, who I have to say I was immediately suspicious of. I thought she was a raccoon or something and she was going to have a monkey's face.

No, not a monkey. What are they, dogs? Maybe a raccoon. They're raccoons. Then there's the Sober's face. No, not a monkey. What are they, dogs? Raccoons. Maybe a raccoon. They're raccoons. And then there's the Sobazella. Very convenient, but terrifying. Yes. Three, maybe?

Three out of five? Because there were three? There were three, as far as we know. Oh. Because they could be anywhere. They could be anywhere. Alistair, I've turned my camera off for this. I imagine if I could reveal myself to have an egg for a face. That would so terrifying have you have you set that up no i haven't actually i've just thought about it now

it would have been chilling i think what is that what are we seeing that's my thumb that's your thumb it's my thumb wow how you've i just put it near the camera. Yeah. Did it look like this, thumb? Oh, it's easy to do on a Zoom call, actually. You could be an opera bar. Any one of us could be an opera bar on a Zoom call. I'll make it a four, James, because you went to the trouble of impersonating an opera bar yourself.

James, James, why are you crying? Did it look like Moby? No, it's Moby wearing headphones facing the other way. Which, to be honest, is a view a lot of people have seen. Yep. Troublesome guy. Alistair, that is not the name of your Edinburgh show this year. No.

No, it's not. But, Eureka, you are going to Edinburgh with a show, right? Yes. This is my work, Yuriko Kotani. Date, from 14th August till 23rd August. Ten days. Time. Time.

1.55pm. Choice. And what else? Location? Location Location Mackey Barrel Mackey Barrel Hive 2 And vibes

Vibes A lot of fun A lot of fun And Happiness Excellent combo Is that Is that vibes?

Yeah they're pretty good vibes Fun and happiness Sounds great yeah Lovely vibes I just said it now Because it came to my mind. That's good. That's good.

James, can I change your vibes? Oh, yes. Go on. Okay. New vibes. The vibes is, okay, vibes is fun and tanuki vibes. Are you going to pretend to be a wine bottle and then just roll away it's the new viral marketing craze

just five minutes in and I just do that and then rest of the time the audience is just confused I think there's a lot of buzz around this wine bottle rolling away show it's really like it's clever comedy you like, it's clever comedy.

You'd like it. Yeah, everyone's... It's not exactly funny because it's mostly a wine bottle just rolling away. The bottle finds it very funny. It keeps muttering about Moby. Yeah.

Yes. So definitely go see that. Go and see it. Go and see... Yes, I'll be laughing. Yes. Thank you, Yuriko. Thank you very much, much yuriko thank you very much for having me so yeah alistair i think i got away with those repeated references to the to the financial prowess yeah i think nobody really probably knew what you were talking about. For want of a better euphemism, apologies for anyone with kids.

Or the ability to visualise things. Yes. Oh, and if you want to get a whole bonus episode, which features an extended bit of us all getting Studio Ghibli films wrong. I started it. I started it. A bit where I sing a song Too lewd For the podcast But fortunately in Japanese Yes

Well if you join Patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod That'll tell you how to get all these things It's all waiting for you Well when I've finished editing And have uploaded it Which may take a couple of days I turn the air blue

Yeah that won't work because that hasn't happened in the podcast yet. No, that joke will make sense later. They're screaming again, aren't they? They are screaming a little bit, yes.