Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep57: Loremen S4Ep57 - The Flaming Head of Norton Mill

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

The Loremen return to the North East of England, for a stroll through Nicky-Nack Woods. We meet a Teeside Miller with a skeleton in his closet (literally), and solve the murder of the Lumley Mill ghost. It's a spectre-packed episode, with flaming face-holes, a green lady (plus mouse) and a floating hand holding the ghost of a dead knife. In the words of Gossack's ghost... GOODNIGHT! Content Warning: Historic references to murder and domestic violence. Join us for upcoming London live shows: At the Bill Murray - 17th September https://www.angelcomedy.co.uk/event-detail/loremen-live-again-17th-sep-the-bill-murray-london-tickets-202309171830/ At Cheerful Earful Podcast Festival - 31st October https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-1 LoreBoys nether say die! Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 @loremenpod youtube.com/loremenpodcast www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. James, I've got three Northeastern tales for you today. Have they got a sort of a joining through line? They've got a linking theme and a joining through line. You're damn

right they do. Good, that's what I like to hear. I expect the best. And I get it. We've got wacky, we've got spooky, we've got quite nasty as as well good whatever parts of you need to be girded for the flaming head of norton mill how are you james okay yeah what are you You sound tired. Yeah. I was just remembering that time a month ago when I was mysteriously not tired. Yeah, I remember that. And yeah, that's pretty

much gone now. It's over. Yeah, I'm back. Reverted to the norm. I'm really tired too. I put up a shelf. Did you? It was exhausting. Did you use any Shake Shelf Life hacks um i used a drill is that did you invent that no but i've got a hack for shelves oh well tell me now it's too late i mean the shelf's up shall i'll take the shelf down yeah fill in the holes fill in those holes i'm gonna replace the whole wall just move yeah i'll just i'll just fight to get a new flat and then what's the shake shaft life hack or shack to save time yes well that is one of the hacks just say shack move to a shack so you get some masking tape and you turn your shelf over so you see where the holes are on the shelf and you put masking tape one long piece of masking

tape joining those two holes mark the two holes yeah maybe pop a spirit level on there and draw a little straight line so you know that's a level and then put that masking tape where you want your shelf to be straight on the wall there you go just drill straight through the masking tape it's just a shake shaft life hack it's just a simple shake shaft life it's just a basic absolute banger of a life hack you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna go back and i'm gonna say don't bother drawing the line on the piece of paper at this point it's not necessary you don't need a spirit level when it's on the floor do you use the spirit level to get the tape level on the wall yeah just drill your first hole and then move on from there yeah

then you level it up quite literally by using that shakeshaft life hack i mean the rest of this is pretty much academic yeah i mean we've got that in that's why people listen everyone's going to be turning off in their droves well let them because this story's just for you and me james what is a drove is it a collective term for negative people or do people do things positively in droves it's mostly bad things in droves it tends to be yeah we've got a drove later in the story then oh if a drove is a group of people doing something bad just wait for that come with me to tudhoe near spenny moor to do what or to pronounce that correctly come with me to tudda near spenny moor spenny moor spenny moor yeah we've heard of spennymoor. Spennymoor? Spennymoor, yeah.

We've heard of Spennymoor before, haven't we? We've heard not only of Spennymoor, but we've heard of Tudda. Tudda? You, James. You, in your arrogance. Me? Told a story set in Tudda on our April Fool's episode. Did I? Yeah.

I'm going to call back to that story shortly. Hopefully also recap? I will remind you and anybody who has not turned off after-the-shelf business of what that story was. But first, you need to know that Tudor is probably one of the most haunted villages in Durham. That's according to Dodd's history of Spennymoor. Dodd writes,

It would hardly be possible to find in the county of Durham a village possessing a finer collection of ghosts than Tudder, which is a strong start, especially considering that this is the very next sentence. The Tudder mouse has been frequently seen, even in recent times. Okay, then. Oh, he's coming straight in with mouse. Right.

Not even a ghost mouse. No, I believe it is a ghost. Oh, okay. The Tudor mouse is, of course, a ghost, as you can tell from, I guess it's white, like quite a lot of mice are. There's also a green lady who walks in Tudor Old Hall.

And according to Dodds, the green lady is ingeniously connected with the black horse and the Tudor mouse. Oh, yeah. So there is a local tradition to the black horse and the Tudor mouse. Oh, yeah. So there is a local tradition to the effect that the horse's master died in battle and the horse's head was also struck off. Not another decapitated horse. Another decapitated horse, I'm sorry.

But the spirit of the horse remained for days over its master's body, defending it from wild animals. The mouse belonged to the green lady. Pretty much the same situation. She rode it into battle. She rode it into battle. It took the place of a pet dog. And tradition says that when anyone in the village is going to die,

the black horse comes out of the pond and meets the green lady and her mouse. It's not clear what the mouse's role is in this. Maybe just on vibes. Yeah, the mouse is just there. What happens afterwards? Nobody knows. So the proof of proof be near be.

Because nobody has had the courage to wait and see what happens after they emerge. Because they're just simply too scared. Too scared of probably mainly the mouse. It is unnerving. A mouse just giving you solid eye contact. A ghostly mouse that's unexplained. Yeah. Or have they got a bit of a salacious bee crumb vibe

for the Star Wars listeners that haven't turned off in droves? Yeah, sitting on her shoulder. How has that guy got a middle initial? Anyway, we've discussed him before. We have. How has he got a middle initial? Anyway, we've discussed him before. We have. How has he got a middle initial? Anyway, on the subject of things we've discussed before, you might remember Nicky Knackfield.

Yes. Is that full of little models of shepherdesses? Those little crystal animals? You're thinking of Trinket Meadow, James. This is Nicky Knackfield. You told a story of a prank that was played in Nicky Knackfield in our April Fool's episode. Was it a prank involving a corpse?

It was not. It was a prank involving a ghost and a corpse. Ah. What happened was someone, it was a big party. Someone was sent out to get wine, I think. And his name was like Simple Simon, which is a bit like a non-copyright infringing Simple Simon.

And they decided to play a prank on him. One of them dressed up in a white sheet and went out to scare him. And then when he came back, they were like, do you see anything amusing? Anything unusual as you were out there? And he replied, and I quote, I that I have.

And it's written like this. So I'm not doing the accent. This is just how it's written. As I was coming past the Nicky Knack field, a white ghost came out upon me and I was sair freedomed. But when I looked, I saw a black ghost to hint it.

So I yowled as loud as I could to the black ghost to catch the white ghost. And the white ghost luked about loud as I could to the black ghost to catch the white ghost. And the white ghost luked about and when it saw the blackian it screamed out a mane and tried to run away. And what happened was

that the black ghost, which between you and me, James, was a real ghost, seized the white ghost. The faux ghost. Yeah. And ran away with him all together.

Oh, a classic case of the enemy of my enemy is my friend ghost. Yes. The enemy ghost of my enemy person pretending to be a ghost is my friend ghost. Just a classic phrase. Is a mouse. So that's Nicky Knack Field. And of course, Nicky Knack Field used to be Nicky Knack Woods. It used to be an area.

Oh, no. Did they cut down all the trees to make Nicky Knacks? Well, here is a possible origin for the name. Apparently, according to Dodds, an imaginative clodhopper, which I think is his way of describing someone who is walking, was travelling through the Nicky Knack region of a wooded area near Tudor when he started to hear a sound following him. Nicky Knack, Nicky Knack, Nicky Knack, it went.

And as he sped up, it sped up. Nicky Knack, Nicky Knack, Nicky Knack, Nicky Knack. And it got even faster. Nicky Knack, Nicky Knack, Nicky Knack. And it just kept following him. And it seemed to say in his ears, click and catch him, click and catch him, click and catch him, click and catch him. Can I make a prediction?

What's your prediction at this point, James? Had this clodhopper just got married? Why do you say that? Oh, you think he might have all cans tied to behind him? A bunch of tin cans tied to the back of him like they used to in, I believe, the 80s on television. Yeah, they should tie them to the back of the man and then he would walk away. Yes. Before cars.

This is before cars because they used to tie it to the back of the car. then he would walk away yes before cars this is before cars because they used to tie it to the back of the car in the 1980s before they had cars yeah james you do not know how close you are to being correct when he finally got to the local pub he found out that the the metal heel on his boot was uh was loose it's clicking i had been making a clicky clacky nickynacky noise as he went. Well, don't use up all your disappointment, because the next story I have for you is a bit rubbish. Oh, go on.

This is about the occupier of Tudor Mill. Tudor Mill. And he is the first of Tudor Mill. And he's the first of three, maybe four millers that I'm going to tell you about in this episode, all from the northeast of England. And he was walking home in the region i'll have to say of nicky knackfield okay pretty spooky area it's it's known to be haunted by shoes and pranksters and at least one ghost great merch though you will definitely be able

to get a fridge magnet i would assume yeah it's like a shop in a museum. Yes. You get a ruler, you get a razor. A too small slinky spring. Yeah, probably a little gonk for going on the end of your pencil. A little gonk for going on the end of your pencil. A little troll, a little damn troll. Yeah.

The Tudor Miller, he's said to have been travelling home from Durham one night when looking up the Croxdale Bank, he saw a stiff built man trudging along the road about twenty paces ahead of him. He was rather glad than otherwise at the prospect of company upon a lonely road, who wouldn't be, and was hurrying forward to catch up with the man, when he found that the man quickened his own pace and kept at the same distance ahead of him all the way to Nicky Knack. The miller was about to turn off through through the gate into the field and for a moment withdrew his eyes from the figure before him when he looked up again it was gone now apparently up to the day of his death he persisted that he had seen a ghost

but dodds thinks it was uh his shadow he's misunderstood he has like like so many people we've spoken about on this podcast, misunderstood either shadows or dreams. On this occasion, it was shadows. Or reflections. Yeah, some people, reflections, yeah. That was, what's his name? Percy Boish Shelley.

Percy Bish Shelley. Bish. Maybe he's slightly confused about reflections. Bish being the noise of him smashing a window when he doesn't understand. Yeah, that's what he would do. I can imagine, though, your own shadow cast into like a wall of mist might create an interesting sort of 3D tunnel.

That's kind of a cool image. Hasn't that got a name? Yes, but what is that name? Gosh, it's going to be annoying for the listener. I'm googling Mountain Cloud Ghost. Natural Optical Illusion. This is from, ironically, The Mirror, which is the name of the website.

Percy Shelley's like, what? Smash my computer up. Stop it. Come on, just tell me what it's called. Stop saying Halo of Rays. A Brocken Spectre. A Brocken Spectre. So disappointed was I with the ending of that Miller's story.

Oh, yeah. I sought out some other spooky mills in the North East. Spills. Thank you. Bit of time's over there. And these, James, are pretty chilling. So they're way scarier than a man with a shadow. Mm.

The Norton Mill is haunted by three spectres. That's Norton Mill near Billingham Bottoms in Teesside. Billingham Bottoms. Don't look for it, James. It's Norton Mill near Billingham Bottoms in Teesside. Billingham Bottoms. Don't look for it, James. It's not there anymore. Billingham Bottoms is. I think it's a roundabout. But Norton Mill, possibly also called Bishop's Mill or maybe Unicorn Mill.

But I think there's a pub called the Unicorn Pub. I think someone reporting it has got confused. Right. Possibly. They saw the shadow of a pub on a cloud. Yeah, it wasn't really a pub. This is a rare old tale. There's not that many accounts of it.

This story comes from Bob Woodward writing in the Teesside Gazette. Bob Woodward? These... Alistair, I know we all know that naming is a category, so we should be expecting some great names, but these names so far are unnaturally good hold on just one second while i check something that i got that right i'm sorry james that was

inaccurate what i i accept your compliment um but bob woodward is of course the journalist who uh revealed the watergate scandal oh Oh. I just got confused. He actually didn't write in the Teesside Gazette at all. So, Alistair, what you've done there is you've hilariously misunderstood journalists. It's actually Bob Woodhouse, not Bob Woodward. Okay. You sure it's not Bob Monkhouse? It was not Bob Monkhouse.

It wasn't Bob Woodward. It wasn't the Watergate guy. It was the historian Bob Woodhouse talking to the Teesside Gazette. But he's potentially more likely have gone to Whitmore-Whapagate. Almost certain to have. I'd be shocked to the end. The accounts I'm drawing from are Bob Woodhouse, the historian, talking to the Teesside Gazette,

and the book Haunted Hartlepool by none other than the Scretoniser himself, Paul Screton. The Scretoniser. A welcome return for the Scretoniser. The triumphant return of the Scretoniser. Oh. And I have to say, no criticism on Bob Woodhouse, but Paul Screton's version of it is a bit less showy.

Oh. He's showed a little bit more Scretony, I think. Nice. And it's a little bit more toned down. But this is an amalgamation of their two accounts of the story of Norton's Mill. So in the late 19th century, the miller, Mr. Thrattles. Right. Was talking to his neighbour, Mr. Benson. It was a happy day. In fact, it was the day of Mr. Thrattles... Right....was talking to his neighbour, Mr. Benson.

It was a happy day. In fact, it was the day of Mr. Thrattles' daughter's wedding. Oh. Is he a Marlon Brando-esque figure? Mercifully, he's not a godfather. Good. But Mr. Benson did come to him on the day of his daughter's wedding. You come to my mill.

It's a Durham accent. It's near Stockton-on-Tees. Oh, well, that narrows it down for me. I'll just adjust my larynx. So we're looking for Marlon Brando from Stockton-on-Tees. Oh, you come to my mill on the day of my daughter's wedding. I mean, you don't realise how accurate this is for a region. When you ask me for a spectre.

Once again, it's Chris Cantrell. It's Chris Cantrell. He spans all regions. He also goes method in his acting. He does. And he didn't wear trousers in Superman. Is that right? No, he did wear trousers in Superman. Marlon Perna didn't wear trousers in Superman. Is that right? No, he did wear trousers in Superman.

Marlon Brando didn't wear trousers. In one of his last films, he didn't want to be shot from the waist down, so he refused to wear trousers. Right, okay. So they wouldn't film his legs. I've seen Cantrell not wearing trousers, but everyone was still looking. Well, you'd be aghast. Yeah.

He forgot he wasn't being filmed. It was on stage. Yeah, you can't'd be aghast. Yeah. Yeah, he forgot he wasn't being filmed. It was on stage. Yeah, you can't really stop people looking if you're on stage. He did read his lines off the back of a baby. Of a baby.

Is that how Marlon Brando, instead of learning his lines, he had his lines written on babies? At some point, it's going to be hard to get babies

into the scene, isn't it? At some point. What if it's a long speech just passing baby after baby past him it's unrealistic so it was thrattle's daughter's wedding day and he was talking to mr benson when a black specter came rushing towards them with eyes nose and i believe ears dripping flames whoa yeah it rushed towards them it swept past them at great speed and as it did so it uttered the chilling catchphrase for which this specter was known good night gentlemen and then he was off wow gone either good night, or just goodnight. Goodnight? Goodnight!

I said goodnight, sir. I think he said it really sarcastically. My understanding is it was a mini-mocking. Goodnight! He doesn't actually wish you a goodnight. Whilst flames are dripping out of all its face holes. Goodnight! Meow!

That wasn't the last time it appeared, even during the wedding. They all calmed down a little bit and said, did you see that? And he's like, shh, don't talk about it, it's a wedding. Don't spoil the wedding by talking about the demon with the flames coming out of its face holes. And they all sat down, they ate, they played cards, and it happened again.

It rose up from the floor, and we can only assume again, said his catchphrase, good night. Eventually, Mr. Thrattle had no choice but to tell the story of previous occupant of the mill poor miller gossack miller gossack flashback a year it's 1879 it's christmas poor miller gossack at this time known as miller gossack He was the Miller And his son was a doctor Which is good Sort of good Oh His son was a doctor

But also a bit of a prankster Oh no Did he set light to all his face holes? I can see why you thought that James What he did was He brought back a skeleton Cool A full complete human skeleton

Wired and jointed wouldn't have been a plastic version i believe it was real okay because it was 1879 and he was a doctor yeah and and you could just be like can i take that home for christmas like the hamster in school to look after they were like yeah whatever yeah yeah just take it Yeah. But don't play pranks with it. We've counted the bones. James, he played a prank with it. Oh, dear. He hid it either somewhere in the mill or specifically in the linen closet.

Right. And waited for the housemaid to find it. She opened the door of the closet and according to Bob Woodhouse, somehow the hand of the skeleton had become caught on the door and grabbed her around the throat. Okay. Now, let's be clear, that didn't happen. No. Sorry, Bob. It did not grab her by the throat. No, at best an accidental headlock. It might have flopped onto her with a sort of a xylophone sound effect. But it's not the skeletons from a Fleischer cartoon. It's not the skeletons from a Fleischer cartoon.

It didn't fold over itself and then play its bones. Didn't happen. More's the pity. What did happen that we'd be pretty confident of is that the serving girl saw the skeleton and immediately died. saw the skeleton and immediately died oh well she either went mad and died or fell into a coma and was sent to sheffield asylum either way really really bad that is i don't wish to mock her but i would like to say that nowadays people on the internet when they see a good TikTok and say, like, hashtag dead, you don't know the half of it. No, because they're not texting from beyond the grave.

No. Well, that wasn't the end of the horrors at the mill. No. Everyone was furious. Her father was not pleased about what happened. And a mob, perhaps even a drove, chased poor Miller Gossack, who wasn't really responsible for this, chased him out of the mill

and he was slain with a single blow of an axe. Oh. And, you know, the girl's father was accused of the murder and hanged in Durham Jail in 1880. And it is the spectre of poor Miller Gossack that comes back and says his chilling catchphrase. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. I guess with a bit of a Doppler effect as well. Good night. That is actually a little bit creepy. Paul Screeton mentions two other ghosts which predate Gossack's spirit

and in fact that used to supposedly haunt Miller Gossack himself. Say Mill. Oh no, say Miller. Say Mill, say Miller. Whoa. Well, that's a T-shirt. spirit and in fact that used to supposedly haunt miller gossack himself say mill or no say miller say mill say miller whoa well that's a t-shirt supposedly haunted with a blood-stained phantom hand grasping a fiendish knife and a luminous grinning head of a white-haired woman which is said to closely follow the hand her head dripped blood and her eyes were forever darting anxiously as if seeking a way of escape. Could be argued they're the same thing then? Oh, okay, so that's just one ghost, is it?

Well, they sounds... Like if you said, like, oh, and there was a scary hand and then I saw a scary another hand. There were two ghost arms. All right, all right, okay, maybe that's just one ghost. Your ghost hands connected to your ghost arm but the knife is the ghost of a separate knife yes that is a separate ghost yeah okay that's a separate ghost so it's the ghost of a modern knife like one of those electric carvers oh

when they hit the metal i ever tell you about my gran's electric scissors. What? Yeah, it was a Pifco product, like for haberdashery. What? I mean, what's Pifco? Because that sounds like that's made up. What's Pifco? It's only the most trustworthy brand. If you want a pair of electric scissors that you switch them on once and one blade pings off straight into the wall, it's got to be Pifco.

Yeah, wow. This set of electric scissors are exactly as dangerous as i imagined electric scissors electric scissors you're not using manual scissors like a chump are you james where is this did she get it from the same place that she got the the french made hoover cover it may well have been the same i imagine a catalog of of kitschy and deadly items did they did you still hold them like regular scissors and they like if you keep your feet on the pedals from memory it was it was a very large unit with a very small scissor blade at the end so it was it was it was it was chunky it was like not quite as big as an iron but it was large i'm gonna Google electric scissors.

Well, you're probably going to see the up-to-date 2020-something version. You can get Black & Decker cordless ones. Oof, there's a pair for £126. I have a feeling my gran spent less. They look like Robocop. They look like a normal scissors was killed by hoodlums. Yes, basically. And they brought it back.

They just kept a small tip of the blades. We can do it. We have the technology. We can bring it back. It's actually a satire of paper cutting. Of scissors. It's a satire of scissors. A lot of teenagers just enjoy it at face value.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. They're part scissor, part machine, all danger. Speaking of sceptics, and I'm saying sceptics because you made the pfft noise,

I found another haunted mill in the Monthly Chronicle of North Country Law and Legend. Monthly? Monthly, yeah. This is the whole package. This is the whole several years worth bundled together. And let me tell you, the contents page alone is thrilling.

I'm going to have to come back to this because we've got the Muggleswick conspirators. Oh my gosh. We've got the floating island. We've got Willy Moteswick Castle. Lovely. Puffing Billy. Oh no.

And Sir Daniel Gooch. That's Sir Daniel Gooch to you, James. So from the monthly chronicle of North Country lore and legend, I have the Lumley ghost story, which is very, very spooky, but also a bit grim. Oh. So if you don't like the nastier ones, you could skip over this one and go

back for the scores. There's a bad guy in this one. But the main guy is John Graham, who was a miller at Lumley. Now, Lumley's on the north side of Durham. So we're on the opposite side of Durham from Spennymoor. If you're at northeast from Spennymoor, past Durham,

you'd get to Lumley. There's a castle there. It's called Lumley Castle. Yeah, it's haunted. I'll deal with that in another episode. Basically, not to put too fine a point on it, we're near Chester-le-Street. Chester-le-Street. Now, according to the Chronicle, John Graham was not at all a superstitious man.

Right. Indeed, his character was altogether the opposite. He had not so much imagination as to court even an ignorant fear of the supernatural, and he laughingly ridiculed all who thought differently on this subject from himself. Let's hope he does not learn his lesson at any point as the story proceeds. Now, the chronicler reminds us that this story took place in 1631 or 1632. So actually being a sceptic was quite unusual because it was a bold thing to avow a disbelief in witches and fairies and warlocks and other imaginary tenants of elfin palaces or lonely cottages on moss or more. But Graham the Miller cared for none of these things.

Wait a minute. Someone's called Graham. Oh, no, it's his surname. John Graham the Miller cared for none of these things. Wait a minute. Someone's called Graham. Oh, no, it's his surname, Graham. John Graham. Right. Yeah. It's his surname, as in John Graham the Miller, Sir Daniel Gooch.

Gooch. I don't imagine many people could have the first name Graham in the 17th century. It doesn't seem like a 17th century name, does it, Graham? No. No. One night, he was working late in the mill it was dark this was before the time of gas lamps so he was working by a lantern and strange feeling crept over him

in fact the very blood of the bold graham begins to creep he feels his blood run cold he would fain start away he fears to look what's that in front of him james why it's an apparition he fears to look at it yet his eyes refuse to cease gazing they take in the details in a moment there is a woman with hair disheveled with blood streaming from her head and saturating the dark tresses with crimson gore, five wounds gape in her head and spout forth the lurid current. The spring seems exhaustless for the miller feels he has been gazing at the bleeding form for half a lifetime and still the stream flows on. From context, I'm going to regret this joke, but does she have a catchphrase? She doesn't even have a catchphrase. She is extremely vocal.

She has lots to say. So she looks, in my imagination, like a character from a Japanese horror film. But she is, and he recognises her, the ghost of Anne Walker, who was a young woman previously of Lumley, who had been sent to Lumley to stay with her uncle, a widower named John Walker. Now, he was a wrongan. And she, according to the text, got into trouble, by which it means she became pregnant right the neighbors were very wroth with walker whom they suspected although anne invariably refused to tell the name

of her seducer answering to all friendly inquiries that he was the one who would take care of her and her child but she was a little bit too trusting the ghost as she appeared to john graham the miller told him the true story. John Walker had said that he was sending her away to somewhere where she could have the kid and then come back and continue working in the house. He sent her off with a collier, a miner named Mark Sharp. And he murdered her. I don't want to go into too much detail. She says that Sharp slew me with a miner's pick, giving me these five wounds in the head.

He threw my body into the pit and hid the pick under a bank. He then tried to wash the blood from his shoes and stockings. But as this evidence of his guilt would not vanish, he hid his shoes and stockings there. And now, Master Graham, she says, you must be the man to reveal this base and cruel deed, else my spirit shall haunt you forever. of his base and cruel deed, else my spirit shall haunt you forever. The thing is,

he was too embarrassed to tell anyone he'd seen a ghost because he was known for being such a sceptic. Graham. Yeah, I know. It's really annoying.

So he just doesn't go. He just stops working late in the mill after that. And his wife's very pleased because he's, you know, he's around the house. He's putting up shelves and stuff like that. One night he finds very pleased because he's, you know, he's around the house, he's putting up shelves and stuff like that.

One night he finds himself working just a little bit late and she appears to him again and says, what are you doing? Was he not using masking tape for the shelves? He was,

he was doing a terrible job of the DIY. Oh dear, oh dear. She appears to him again on, I think, St. Christopher's Eve before Christmas in a field this time

and he realises he's got to do something. So he goes to the local magistrate and he tells the whole story. And John Walker and Mark Sharp are both arrested and taken up before the magistrate at the Azizes.

Azizes? Ah, I can't remember. I even looked it up. Which one is it? Azizes. The less fun way of saying it. Azizes. John Walker and Mark Sharp were both brought up in front of the magistrate.

Now, spoiler alert, they were both found guilty. Oh. But I do think there's something slightly weird, because there's not really any evidence against either of them. But there is one guy who knew not only where the body is, but exactly what bloody items were buried there oh and that is graham who gave evidence to the magistrate so suspicious it's just call me a john graham type but it's a bit weird had he been methoding his skepticism his whole life as yeah as a potential

or he would got to a point where he's, he'd done a terrible murder and was like, fortunately, I've spent my whole life saying I'm a sceptic, so people will believe me. They'll definitely believe me if I say a ghost did it, because why would you make that up? If he says it's a ghost, it's definitely true. Because everyone else believes in ghosts anyway. Yeah.

Oof. I just don't know. John Webster, not the playwright, but a practitioner in physics, also known as Johannes Hephaestus, he wrote a sceptical book about witchcraft in 1677. And he seems a little sceptical of the trial as well. And this is what he has to say. The trial of Sharpen Walker was say the trial of sharp and walker

was in the month of august 1631 before judge davenport one mr fairhair gave it in evidence upon oath that he see the likeness of a child stand upon walker's shoulder during the time of the trial at which time the judge was very much troubled. Basically what happens is someone said, I saw a ghost during the trial and the judge was like, yes, that's admissible. Bang, bang, bang. I sentence you to be hanged because of spookiness.

More ghosts. I move that we declare a spooky trial approved. I know judges don't have gavels. Yes, yes, yes. You can't pretend to be a judge without a gavel. I bet they did it during the Azizes. Azizes?

Asses. Asses. As-izes. As-izes. The ass-izes. The ass-izes. Ass-izes. Crunk, crunk, crunk.

That's enough riffing. Crunk, crunk, crunk. Okay. Banging my gavel. So basically he brought in a spooky verdict of murder based on a ghost during the trial. We have only to add that the site of Walker's Mill and the scene of the reputed murder are still shown at Lumley.

The exact spot where the crime was said to have been committed is situated in a little ravine in the old Millwood, known to this day, we are informed, as Sharp and Walker's Gill. Ooh. So that is the story of the Lumley Ghost. Really nasty. Yeah, that was pretty grim, but justice was done. Remember the one who said goodnight from earlier?

That was quite fun. Goodnight. I thought you'd enjoy that one. I did like that. There you go. So I thought, you know, I'd end on a spooky one. Yeah, nice. Very spooky.

James, would you like to score these spooky geordie tales yes i've got my gavel here oh yeah yeah okay but james what's that on your shoulder is it a ghost it's a ghost baby it's five out of five for everything bang bang bang judges must have you used gavels when they were podcasting because otherwise how do you know it's very hard to indicate that you Judges must have used gavels when they were podcasting, because otherwise, how do you know? It's very hard to indicate that you're a judge without a gavel. In a purely audio format, yeah. My first category for you is names. Dunk, dunk, dunk. Five.

Five? You're coming straight in with five. You're rendering a verdict. I've got two. I've already exclaimed how good I love the names. Yeah, but that was when we thought that Bob Woodward, the famous journalist, wrote for the Teesside Gazette. Maybe let's...

Mr. Thrattles? Yeah, Thrattles. You come to my mill. I'm going to make you a mill that you can't refuse good night um yeah Johannes Hephaestus that was interesting I might I think I might have to knock it down to a four because it was the Bob Woodward that caused me to exclaim yeah but it's actually Bob Monkhouse Bob Woodhouse but it's actually the comedian Bob Monkhouse who wrote that story. No, Bob Woodhouse.

But it was great. There were some lovely, lovely ones in there. Okay. All right. All right. I do think it was... Nicky Nacky Woods. Nicky Nacky Woods.

To be fair, though, you've already used that in a previous episode. So, yeah. Yeah. Next category. Supernatural. Oh, ever so. A lot. Right? Yeah. lot right loads they were all ghosts there was definitely all ghosts there was even a mouse it was a ghost yes yeah we got uh an unexplained and unexplainable mouse it is not explained and it cannot be explained. Yes. Are you trying to explain the mouse? Because you can't.

You've got a skeleton, which is scary, despite the fact everyone's got one. Which is scary, even though it does have a scientific explanation, which is that a prankster put it there. But it scared a woman either to death or out of her wits. Yes, it did. You've got the flaming head guy. Yes, flaming head guy. He's just a flaming head entertainer.

Good night. Thank you, Teesside. Good night. And they say you haunt Teesside twice in your life. Once on the way up or once on the way down. That works because he did haunt it twice. And it's good to be back. That's what you say, isn't it?

Yeah, that's classic. Good night. Supernatural, come on. It's five. That's what you say, isn't it? Yeah, that's classic. Good night. Supernatural, come on. It's five. It's five. A ghost during a trial? Yep. What? I have nothing but ghosts for this court or something. You can't handle the ghosts. Hmm. I think

those were the court-based catchphrases. Yeah, I can't really think of any of those. I call my next ghost. Possible title for this episode there. Defence. Approach the ghost. Lawyer opens a briefcase.

Ghosts in it. All right. So is that a five? For the ghosts. Of course it was. Good. James liked ghosts. I know that.

Next category. The skeleton in your closet. Ooh. Mmm. Because there was a literal skeleton in a closet or linen cupboard. Yeah. And also John Walker. Yes.

May have had a skeleton in his closet. Yes. But it's even possible that John Graham the miller had a skeleton in his own closet. Yes. But it's even possible that John Graham the miller had a skeleton in his own closet and was coming up with an intriguing ghostly mystery to cover up his own terrible deed. It's going to be a three. I know that... Well, you said...

I didn't have a literal skeleton. Which is worth two. There were two potential skeletons in a closet, 0.5 each for the metaphorical because there could only ever be one skeleton. It was one or the other. Yeah. Yep.

Fair enough. Final category. Flaming face holes. Flaming face holes. Yeah. It's like an exclamation from the olden days, like blistering barnacles. Flaming face holes. Good night. Good night.

Good night. I mean, as catchphrases go, it's no good night. But it ain't bad. Well, how many face holes? Oh, are we counting the eyes as two? Yeah, go on. Because that's how many there are. So we've got two eyes.

Yeah. Two nostrils. Two ears. Whoa. And a mouth. And a mouth? I mean, that's too many. I think we're way over five here.

I don't know how many we're on, but I think it's about 100. Are we doing bounce backs, though? Are we doing Ludo rules? What are Ludo rules? Oh, the bounce back. Of course we're not doing Ludo rules. Of course we're not. Okay.

Of course we aren't, James. Where's that gavel? Bang, bang, bang. Give me back my imaginary gavel james approach the ghost it's the ghost of a bench it's the ghost of a bench who died and it says no we don't play ludo rules here you know that okay we play the charity thermometer outside of church rules which is where it gets to the top and it sort of burst it it pretends to burst out yeah yeah that's all great That's all gravy.

That's all gravy. That's how they do it. It's made of gravy. Oh my gosh. Okay. A very beefy red gravy. Flaming face holes. You're flaming face holes.

Flaming face holes. You're flaming face holes. Five out of five. Is that five out of five? Yeah. It's got to be five out of five. Five out of five. Five out of five.

It's really seven out of five, but you're maxed out at five. I'm maxed out of five for you? Yeah, it's got to be five out of five. Five out of five. Five out of five. It's really seven out of five, but you maxed out at five. I maxed out at five. I think about this quite regularly. I think it was a question from you. Why don't we have capital numbers? Did I say that? If we did, it would be a capital five, yes. Oh, great.

Great question from me. Yeah, great question. Yeah, it's in bold, this five. All it remains is for me to say... Good night! What a great catchphrase. That was the flaming head of Norton Mill. He did have a whole body as well, but it wasn't on fire.

It's hardly worth mentioning. The bit you notice, though, isn't it? Yeah, the head is the bit you look at when it's on fire. We've got a few live shows coming up, James. We blooming do, actually, Alistair. 17th September, the Bill Murray London 2023. 2023. Get tickets on that internet, or there'll be a link below. Also, the 31st of October as part of...

The spookiest month. The spookiest day of the spookiest month. It's the cheerful, earful comedy podcast festival we're on in London's Balham. In London's glittering Balham. Get your tickets, come see us, that'll be lovely. Good night. Good night. Balham. In London's glittering Balham. Get your tickets, come see us, that'll be lovely. Goodnight! Goodnight! Well, come to me, on my sister's day, my sister's wedding, and say goodnight, say goodnight

gentlemen, really fast. And he's not stroking a cat. You think it's a cat, but it's actually, but it's actually it's a it's a head with all of its yeah head holes on fire is that a mouth different place different place