Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep6: Loremen S4 Ep 6 - Scratching Fanny of Cock Lane

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

Is this our rudest episode title yet? Cock Lane is a small street in the City of London, infamous for not having a ghost in it. Alasdair introduces James to the "Scratching Fanny" behind the Cock Lane haunting, and the Lorebois go on to encounter a plethora of poltergeists (ahem... polterguys). This episode features celebrity cameos from Anne Robinson and Roger Moore, plus a pair of graveyard ghosts having a truly royal rumble. We also tiptoe around the gruesome legend of King Edward II's horrible end's horrible end. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shadeshaft. And James, did you know that not all ghosts are real? What? Did you know that? No. No real? What? Did you know that? No. No, it's true. It's true.

Since when? Have you ever not seen a ghost? Well, most days, yes. Well then, prepare yourself for a tale of numerous non-ghosts. Plus a couple of actual ghosts. This is the story of the Ghost of Cock Lane. Ha. James, come on now.

Hi there, James. Hi there, Alistair. Do you remember I've mentioned a man called Andrew Lang a couple of times recently. Yes, yes, I do. Because I ran into one of his books. Ah, startled in a bookshop. Yeah, absolutely. And I referenced a book of his which really caught my eye,

Cock Lane and Common Sense. Yeah, I can see why that might catch the eye. It caught my eye, yes. I alluded to the story of the Cock Lane Ghost in a previous episode. And what I thought I'd do is I'd give you that in a little bit more detail, as well as a range of hauntings in Old London Town. Oh, ye Old London Town. Yes, Londondinium.

Not as far back as Londinium though, right? No, we're talking 1762. Oh, yes. For the Cock Lane Ghost. This is prime wig wearing time. Everyone's wearing a wig. The whole of society was sponsored by big wig. It's just occurred to me that that's why we call rich people big wigs.

Because of their big wigs. Because they wore big wigs. What a ridiculous nation where you mark out the wealthy people by them wearing a great big wig. Evidently, this time the wealthy people did so much stuff that it was sort of, this is the crystallised time when rich people are known for. Yeah, we got the name Big Wig and we thought, no need to update that. Yeah. James, before you get overexcited, because I can see you getting G'd up as usual in the mention of ghosts.

overexcited because I can see you getting G'd up as usual in the mention of ghosts. Before that happens, I need to warn you that the story of Cock Lane is a famous case of a false, fake, fraudulent haunting. What? Yeah. No way. No way. Nobody could have a

fake ghost. Well, allow me to blow your mind into minuscule fragments. Whoa. Sometimes people lie. It's a funny case. Andrew Lang's angle on it is quite interesting. Not just because of the name? He isn't just interested because of the name.

He's not like me. He's quite a serious man. His angle on it, I think, is that there's some evidence for fraud, as there is in all of these cases, but I think he's implying that there's still something unexplained. And essentially it's a classic tale of a poltergeist. Poltergeist. Every case of poltergeist is basically the same story in which there is a 12 year old girl who is the centre of poltergeist activity. And usually at some point in the story, it turns out they were faking it, but then there's usually still something else that they couldn't have faked. So

the mystery continues. Oh, sorry. Poltergeist is obviously from the German, which means noisy guy. Yes. Anyone who's new to the podcast, that's what a poltergeist is. So I'll tell you the story of the cock lane ghost first. We meet Mr. Kent. He was a usurer or money lender. He comes across fairly badly in this story. So don't start warming to him too much. Okay. His wife very sadly died during childbirth,

after which his sister-in-law, whose name was Fanny, moved into Act as housekeeper, and very, very quickly they fell in love with each other. Oh. Or in Andrew Lang's words, the usual passionate desire to marry his deceased wife's sister assailed Mr. Kent. The usual. Classic.

And Fanny shared his flame. Oh. So as per, he immediately hopped in with fanny however canon law prevented them from being married because of the the old uh sister situation is that against the law it was then they couldn't get married so they moved to london oh classic where nobody knew them and she called herself mrs kent which she was not moving into a a new house, they've got a dark secret in their past. It's classic haunted house fare. He quickly fell out with his new landlord because he loaned the landlord some money and the landlord didn't pay it back. And they ended up living on Cock Lane,

where they took lodgings with a Mr. Parsons, who was the clerk of of St Sepulchre's. Weirdly, Mr Kent also loans him 12 guineas. I just, I guess being a landlord, the relationship was different. Who who rents could lend money to their landlord? Why would I need to lend you money? I pay for all of your life already. It's very weird. Yeah, is that on top of rent? Presumably, yeah. Once your landlord finds out what you do, they do try and get you to do it for them, don't they? Yeah, could you lend me 12 guineas? Like, you're forever having your landlord, like, trying to get one-liners out of you. Alistair, could you do a funny little video for me?

Could you make me a viral video, please? Now, Mr. Parsons had a daughter named elizabeth and one night while fanny was uh pregnant she and elizabeth spent the night together while mr kent was away and they heard scratchings in the night mr parsons the landlord wasn't fazed by this he attributed it to the cobbler next door uh just the just the cobbler being a scratchy guy. Cobblers. He said it was cobblers. Bit weird, though. A cobbler cobbling on Sunday, the Lord's Day. Yeah, there are a lot of stories specifically about cobblers

and how they shouldn't be doing that. Yeah. Because of the fae folk. Well, quite. Now, I'm going to skip over a little bit of time here because, tragically, it was the 1760s and it was a horrible time to be a woman which has applied to many periods in history the fanny dies of smallpox shortly after this very very sad but

the scratching noises continue and word gets around that the property is haunted by the ghost they're fully ruling out cobblers at this point yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it was not a cobbler. It was the ghost of what at the time was called Scratching Fanny. In the words of Andrew Lang, not my words, his. We can trace a chain

of Scratching Fannies through the ages. I bet. Scratching Fanny was not just a ghost. She was a ghost with a mission and that was to accuse Mr Kent,

her partner, of her own murder. What? She accused him of poisoning her with red arsenic in a draft of pearl to which she was partial. Pearl? P-U-R-L. What's that? Pearl is wormwood ale. Oh.

Oh, which sounds disgusting. Oh, it's a hot drink, hot ale. It's like mulled wine, but it's beer. I think one of the versions of making this is you put hot poker in it. Do you? Really? I think that might be this one. But in none of the versions do you put red arsenic.

No, you should really steer clear of that. Well, take that hot poker and put that to one side because that's going to be important later. Pop that into your little adventurous pouch. Okay. Carefully. Ah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So word got around that there was a ghost and London got very excited about it. Really important, famous people like Dr. Johnson came to investigate. And quite quickly, it was decided that the young girl, Elizabeth, was responsible for the scratchings. They did all kinds of weird things. They sat up with her all night looking at her. They slung her up in a hammock so she couldn't touch anything. But the decisive moment came when she was told that unless scratchings were heard that night, her father was going to be sent to Newgate Prison. And naturally, of course, she produced scratchings and was caught.

Right. So it seems a little bit like entrapment to me. Yeah. What? The general view was that the landlord, Mr Parsons, had made his daughter do this in order basically to get rid of Mr Kent, who he owed that money to. To scare him away.

Yeah, to ruin his reputation, to get him out of the way. Classic Scooby-Doo vibes. Absolutely, yeah. They're Scooby-Doing. Who's under the mask? Why, it's Mr. Parsons. The clerk of St. Sepulchre's. I would have succeeded too if it hadn't been for you pesky fannies.

Scratching fanny is quite funny for Americans as well. Yes. But not as funny yes now what andrew lang does is he goes through several other cases of scratching fanny i'll just do a couple of similar cases he deals with a french case from san maur oh yeah is that how that's pronounced saint m-a-u-r do you it? I know that it means without Mauer. San Mauer. San Mauer.

That case was dealt with by Mr Poopheart. Mr what heart? Monsieur Poopheart. He's got a poop for a heart. P-O-U-P-A-R-T Monsieur Poopheart. Monsieur Poopheart. Oh, is he like a poop, like he's going to turn into like a butterfly or something?

Maybe. But if you'd experienced what he describes, you might have been a Poupard. Because the victim of the poltergeist, in that case, heard noises and strange things. But the bed they were in lifted up off the ground and flew around the room. Whoa. they were in, lifted up off the ground and flew around the room. Whoa. The Mr. Poop Bar is not taken in by ghosts and comes to the conclusion that it was servants knocking things about and that the bed must have been on casters and things like that.

I think the point Andrew Lang is making is that the explanation that the bed lifts off the ground because it's on casters is as implausible as the idea that it was a ghost. Right, yeah. is as implausible as the idea that it was a ghost. Right, yeah. Steve Roud, in his book London Law... Oh, yes. ...provides an incontrovertible case of falsehood... Oh.

...from Stockwell. Oh, yes. We're leaving East London for a moment and going south of the river. Oh, so you live in Stockwell? Did you? Yes. Sorry, I thought maybe you had an anecdote to go with that. We first met in Stockwell, Alistair. Did we? You and I? Yes. Sorry, I thought maybe you had an anecdote to go with that. We first met in Stockwell, Alistair.

Did we? You and I? Yes. Yes, thee and I. At the Cavendish Arms. At the Cavendish Arms, which any up-and-coming stand-up comedian in London will probably know. Yeah. It's a night that you can get on stage. It's a night with a very low bar for a performance. Yes.

But very, very enjoyable, as I recall. Yes. tonight with a very low bar for a performance yes but very very enjoyable as i recall yes we started around the same time doing stand-up and we both did that gig a few times did you ever do a gig with an egg or was was that someone else i sure i remember someone coming on stage with a boiled egg i used to talk about eggs did you yeah what was your bit about eggs i don't um that classic shake shaft egg bants they're often kept in the dairy section and i that is inaccurate because they do not come out of cows and if someone offers you a cow egg don't take it it's not an egg i mean have a look at it you want to see what they've got that is classic

shakeshaft classic shakeshaft classic shakeshaft ped. And then I get very angry at eggs. Anyway. Well, in the 1840s, a Mrs. Golding was also very cross about eggs. Oh, yeah. She was an elderly lady who lived with her servant, T.V.'s Anne Robinson. From The Weakest Link? From The Weakest Link, yeah. And was she Watchdog?

Yeah, she was on... Was she on Points of View? Yeah, she was on Watchdog, yeah. And Points of View, I think. She had a lot of opinions. Yep. I think. She had a lot of opinions. Yep. She was the funnel for a lot of opinions. She was indeed. Now take that funnel, and I want you to pop that in your little pouch,

because that's going to be important later. Okay. We've got a poker in there, and we've got a funnel. This sounds like I'm on a choose-your-own-adventure. You're on a choose-your-own-adventure, and the destination is horrible. Oh, dear. Mrs. Golding experienced experienced according to steve rowd all sorts of chaos in the flat small objects would fly around the room including eggs your

friend and mine eggs oh water in a pail began to boil no furnitures trembled like um wait a minute what year is this it's the year 1772 because a lot of these things can be explained by electric hobs and massage chairs. TV's Anne Robinson admits that she had faked the entire haunting. What? She used wires and horse hairs to move the objects and sometimes just threw things around herself. Just hoided an egg. There is a fantastic quote from Steve Roud's book here

about how easy it was for her to commit the fraud. Her work was clearly made easier by the gullibility of those around her and the fact that they were so frightened that they would not look directly at objects in case they moved. How can you spend any time? I mean, is there anything that you can look at that isn't an object? How do you live and not look directly at objects? It's like the people that have their contract,

they're not allowed to look Tom Cruise in the eye. Like, where do you look? Where do you look? I go for the teeth. The teeth. Do you just keep sort of scanning the ground or do you close your eyes and sort of feel your way around? And be like, oh no, there's an egg.

Look out. She's pelting her, oh no, there's an egg. Look out. She's pelting her boss with eggs. It's ridiculously outrageous. Shame on you. I think that one is definitely a fraud. Well, yeah, because the person said she did a fraud. But she admitted she did it, yes. But in half of the stories, the person admits they did it and then people go, yeah, but you still, it's still real.

Like the Fox sisters and the Enfield haunting. So I want to quickly zip back with you, pick up your adventurous pouch and follow me. Oh, got it. To the streets around Cock Lane. It's a wonderful area. There's some terrific street names there. Oh, yeah.

There's Little Britain, which is a really, really good street. Although looking back seems a bit transphobic. Definitely. You know, there's still some good bits in that street. The first two thirds of the street are better than the third. Yeah, but James, it's very, very hard to build a street. Yeah. Eventually you do run out of steam.

You've got just six different houses and you've just got to keep repeating them. There's Pie Corner. Oh, that sounds good. Delicious street. That sounds like my kind of corner. So this is an area, it's between St. Paul's and Barbican Station. That's where we are. Oh, yes.

Before it became a nightmarish brutalist. And this is before the Barbican became that Blade Runner-esque futuristic. Yeah, it's somewhere between Ridley Scott and Stanley Kubrick in aesthetic. When I first moved to London, I had an A to Z that I bought in a charity shop that I didn't realise would be out of date. It was from before the Barbican was built. Oh, wow. It's very difficult.

Yeah, it's very, very difficult to find your way around the Barbican area when the map doesn't include it. Did it have, like, just bomb sites marked on it or something? Yeah, it just had things like, watch out for a vagabond here. Like a picture of a dragon. Yeah, and the Thames had all fish, big fish with water coming out of the top of it. The reason I'm describing this area is that it appears in Walking Haunted London, a book by Richard Jones. Oh, yes. Lovely book.

And while we're in the Cock Lane area, I might as well throw you a couple of real ghosts. Oh, thanks. Because I know you like them. Yes. I know you do like your ghosts, James. Can I look directly at them? You may, if indeed you can. So those ghosts are the ghost of Queen Isabella, the she-wolf of France.

Whoa. And the ghost of Lady Alice Hungerford. What did she hunger for? Murder. Ooh. If Richard Jones is to be believed, Lady Alice Hungerford poisoned her husband, which used to be a big deal. There was a lot of poisoning in the old days.

Yes, there's already been two in this story alone. Yeah, just before divorce was an option, nature found a way. So the supposedly very beautiful Lady Alice was caught in 1523 and boiled alive. What? Before being buried at Greyfriars. Ow! Supposedly her phantom walks the bone orchard. Looking smashing, apparently.

Oh, yeah. For someone who was boiled alive. Queen Isabella wasella was well she was involved in all sorts of political scandals quizabella quizabella was the wife of the english king edward ii uh and she and her lover roger mortimer it's almost roger moore it's almost roger moore later it was edited down to just be a Roger Moore. Would that he was Roger Moore, because Roger Moore was a man of integrity who would never have done what Isabella and Roger Mortimer did.

Roger Moore, actually, Jimmy Bond Roger Moore, he was from Stockwell. Oh. Yeah. He used to call it St. Ockwell. It's one of his... That's very funny. One of his less funny jokes. But it was really the way he raised his eyebrow after saying it oh definitely i think my favorite was whenever he was introduced as roger moore he would kind of almost always say what did i could

you would think you might get tired of that joke if it was your own name as anyone who saw me do stand up? No. Well, Roger Moore to Murr and Queen Isabella conspired to depose the King Edward II. And do you remember the funnel and the red hot poker in your pouch, James? Yeah, I'm looking at them with sad eyes now. Yeah. I don't think I want to go into any details about how they were involved,

but let me tell you the word fundament. Oh. The word fundament appears in the account of the king's death. They very much took the fun out of fundament. Yes. And for Americans, it's way worse than a scratching fanny it's more than an itch definitely it's i believe his ghostly screams can still be heard i think it was in the cotswolds or oxfordshire somewhere where it happened he was he was basically murdered

utilizing a funnel and a hot poker where was it he was murdered in barclay castle oh in the cotswolds so that's why you've heard his terrible screams, James. Yeah, you can still hear his terrible screams. Visit the Cotswolds. Here are King's terrible screams. Don't ask for information about how those screams arose. Yeah, the funnel is not

put at his mouth to make the screams louder. Now, Mortimer was eventually deposed by Isabella's son, Edward III. No. But she somehow escaped punishment and died in the year 1358. Also buried in Greyfriars. Oh.

With the heart of Edward II placed upon her breast, according to Richard Jones. Ooh. Which is disgusting. Yeah. Especially since 30 years had passed since he died. Yeah, what did they, did they sort of get it out and think, yeah, we'll keep this. You know what? This is going to come in useful one day. Put that in your adventurer's pouch. We've all done it though,

haven't we? Yeah. I mean, I'm sitting right next to a drawer full of cables to old things. You know, I've got a firewire cable in there. Nobody's used a firewire cable for 20 years. of firewire cable in there nobody's used a firewire cable for 20 years that'll come in useful you know what the final crescendo of my stories are that um queen isabella and lady alice hungerford walking among the tombs and monoliths of grey friars so that both their ghosts can be seen in the graveyard that's absolutely right yes both their hot ghosts. Yes, Richard Jones is very clear about quite how hot the ghosts were. They were extremely hot. And in fact, in Victorian times,

there was a royal rumble. Literally a royal rumble. Oh, wow. The original royal rumble? Yeah. The two ghosts met each other and it kicked off. Oh, really? Yeah. If you think throwing eggs is bad, it's worse. He describes a fearsome battle erupting as they fought over their territory.

Bemused witnesses could only look on in terror as the spectral fight became more and more vicious. A night watchman caught up in the midst of the ghostly squabbling was so frightened by the experience that he fled the scene and, quote, never came back to collect his pay. Wow. That is scary. What, so they had a big ghost fight?

Yeah, classic big ghost fight, yeah. Don't think I've ever heard of a ghost fight. I've never heard of a ghost fight. I don't think I've ever heard of ghosts from different time periods interacting with each other. For them, like Lady Alice Hungerford would look at Queen Isabella and be like, oh, a ghost. Yeah look at Queen Isabella and be like, ah, a ghost. Yeah, and Quizabella would be like, ah, someone from the future.

Time traveller. Yeah, really confusing. A time traveller. And she's hot. She's hotter than me. That's a bit, I think that's a bit reductive that these two, these female ghosts basically just had a fight over who was hottest. I think there's a little bit of sexism going on there, James.

Well spotted. Well, that is my story of the cock lane ghost and friends. Yes. Would you care to deliver some scores? Yeah, I think I could. My first category, James, and I am rubbing my hands together. I don't know if that's coming out on the mic. I felt that in the biggest period of using anti-back yeah hand sanitizer you know

during the during the whole daily over the last couple of years really made it look like everyone was plotting everyone have the people's downfall yes yeah coming to a shop i'm like yes i'm gonna steal from you but the security guards they there also rubbing his or her hands together. Like, hmm, I'll catch you, my lad. Yeah, everyone was in on it. That's the thing. All their hands. My first category, very, very confident.

Names. Oh, yes. Scratching Fanny. Oh, yes. Mr. Poopart. Mr. Poopart. Mr. Poopart. Mr. Poopart. However you say it, it's brilliant.

Yeah. Queen Isabella. She-Wolf of France. The She-Wolf of France. Uh-huh. Are She-Wolves noted for their use of red-hot pokers in the fundamental area? In France, yes. Oh, yeah, on the continent.

Anne Robinson. TV's Anne Robinson. Television's Anne Robinson. Roger Moore, Tim. Roger, yeah, on the continent. Anne Robinson. TV's Anne Robinson. Television's Anne Robinson. Roger Moore, Tim. Roger Moore. Would that I could. I mean, I can't not give you five out of five for scratching funny on Cock Lane.

I forgot about Cock Lane, yeah. Dr. Johnson, even his name is potentially a double entendre. Samuel L. Johnson. Yes. What does it say on his wallet? Something pedantic, probably. and it's got the um definition underneath we've got we can't mention dr johnson without doing the famous joke from his dictionary in dr johnson's dictionary the definition of oats read a grain which in england is generally given

to horses but in scotland supports the people dr johnson he didn't write that laugh, but you can tell he was doing it. I like Oates, actually, Dr. Johnson. Yeah, he's got a drawer full of them, Dr. J. I accept your five out of five for names. My second category, supernatural. And let me remind you that there were two ghosts in the end. Yes, and they had a fight. They had a fight.

That is really good. Some proper visual special effects going on. But admittedly, the previous ghosts were also fake. I think four then. I think it's great. It's got two royal ghosts who have a royal rumble. But yeah, let down by actual fraud. Although Anne Robinson's fakery is really funny.

I agree. Honestly, I'm surprised at four, so I'm going to move on before you realise that's a bit too high. This has never happened before. This is how much James likes ghosts. If there's one ghost... There's two! Yeah, I know, but there were also two fake ghosts.

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for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for... for.... I'm a fake it till you You just, that's just the concept of faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux, faux most scratching fannies maybe they are faking it but you can't once people start to believe there's a ghost the story spreads and continues and becomes more and more impossible unless you are so proud of your ghost faking skills that you tell everyone that you did it and you're just hoi and eggs around yeah it's just me and they were afraid to look at objects i would break the

magician's code for that one definitely the masked anne robinson where she reveals the secrets of television and queen isabella also in her career sort of faked it until she made she made it her and her lover conspiring to make him king you know yeah he didn't start out as uh king he didn't he didn't stay king for very long either i thought you meant like she had like a retractable red hot poker that she sort of pretend to stab at people and then one day she actually did she sounds really annoying yeah this she wolf i hope lady alice hungerford was well armed if she's there with a red hot poker very hard to fight with poison just sort of fling it and hope it goes in their mouth and mr kent was never really married to Fanny, so they were faking it

until they making it. Making it. Okay, okay. That's a four, right? I think it's a four. Four for four fakers. I think that's a deserved four. But do you not think maybe it's five for me, for trying to get five when clearly there were only four fakers?

Do you not think that was me faking it until I made it? But you didn't make it, unfortunately. Curses! Curse your perceptive abilities, Shake Shack. Okay, final category, scratching fannies. I remind you we can trace a chain of them through the ages. Yeah, I bet you can.

There's a cream for that. Don't thrush me for a score. I think, I mean, it's going to be five because it's got to be a hot five the scratching fanny really made such an impression on the tail

and that comes from a long line of scratching fannies thank you very much I'm very happy with that go for like natural underwear rather you know

use that sort of thing yeah cottons something ph neutral neutral well james hypothetically speaking if someone enjoyed that, what could they do to support the podcast? Uh, Patreon? A Patreon, you say? Patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod.

Oh. And if our listeners don't have any money, can they support the podcast with reviews? Yes, they can. And how many out of five would you give it ideally there, James? A hundred? Five out of five. Okay. Yeah, no, 5 is more realistic.

Yeah, 5 out of 5 for podcast. Are we really going to end the podcast on you saying fneutral? I hope not. But otherwise we're sort of ending it on health tips for your nethers. Possible idea for a spin-off. Health tips for your nethers. With James Shakeshaft. There is a crossover because of the netherworld.

And your hilarious surname, Shakeshaft. Yes. Shakeshaft and Scratching Fanny. That sounds like a pamphlet. Introduced by Roger Moore. Would that he hadn't quite so much. Because it's inflamed now. That's probably enough.