Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep7: Loremen S4 Ep7 - The Ghost Coach of Burford

Episode Date: July 21, 2022

Hop in James's childhood car (a Mazda 323) and take a trip to Burford, jewel of the Cotswolds. Home of the Burford Garden Centre, Cotswold Wildlife Park and, naturally, ghosts. Recorded on one of the hottest days in England's history, the Loremen face drought, a flaming coach, and the dusty vengeance of bad old Lady Tanfield. (And Lord Tanfield is hardly better.) The Bois squeeze a bit of genuine history into this episode. Meanwhile, Alasdair gets on his hobby horse about the enclosure of public lands, and James launches into a bizarre rant about colanders. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shakeshaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And Alistair, we're kicking it Cotswold style today. Yeah, we are. What does that mean? I don't know. James, have you got a hot Cotswold tale for me? It is as hot as a heat wave.

Is it as blisteringly hot as England is right now? Yes, at the time of recording, yes. Statistically speaking, it's going to keep being quite hot. Absolutely. This is going to stay relevant. And if it's not, then this will warm you up. Yeah, lovely warm story. A heartwarming tale of what?

Ghosts. Ah. And evil, evil people. Good. I'm drinking a can of iced tea. Ooh. I've already finished it and I'm just doing that bit. You know the bit at the end where the surface tension

Prevents the drips from reaching you And you have to sort of lap it out with your tongue No No? From a can From the can, yeah The last little dregs How small is your tongue?

It's very small Have you got a small cat's tongue? I've got a very long, narrow cat's tongue Covered with hairs that allow me to lap fluids I thought that was a beard Wow Well then Alistair narrow cat's tongue covered with hairs that allow me to lap fluids. I thought that was a beard. Wow. Well then, Alistair, I've got a pretty spooky tale for you today.

Oh, yeah? I'm pretty brave. But it also features some history. Hmm. All right. Yeah. I'm glad. It's from a little town in the Cotswolds called Burford.

Are you aware of Burford? Has it come up before? Or does it just sound like the name of a guy who has a moustache in a play? Or one of the earlier Tannons. That was Buford Tannon. Yeah, maybe like an English ancestor of Biff Tannon. Crazy Hound. That's sort of a posh version of Mad Dog.

Yeah, it's very good. It's very good. Yeah. Burford is in the Cotswolds. It's got quite a distinct high street that goes sort of up a hill and like very old shops on each side antique shops all the way up are there antique inside and out they are thick

with antiques it was very exciting when mum said she was going to burford because there is the cotswold wildlife park is in burford also the burford garden center is in burford so nine times out of ten you were probably just going to a garden center but one time out of ten you were going to the cotswold wildlife park why is it that i think parents must have changed but in the 90s i remember being thrown in the car with no idea of where we were going and just hoping that it was something fun and not something really boring and only really finding out when we got there. Yeah, I think so. More than once, my dad gave us a lift to the Blockbusters, to the video shop, and then

didn't rent out a video for us to watch. He just put us in the car for the drive. Not even on the freebie? No, he did the same thing with the dog. Put the dog in the boot of the car, just drive it around the block, bring it back home again. She loved it. Not rent it out a video. Yeah, didn't get any of the videos that a dog would enjoy. Not renting it out of video. Didn't get, yeah,

didn't get any of the videos that a dog would enjoy. Like cats? Maybe, yeah. That wouldn't have existed then. Well, the filmed

version of the stage musical from the mid-90s would have been around then. Yeah, all dogs go to heaven. Babe the sheep pig, they probably find

that hilarious. Yeah. The idea that a pig could be a sheep dog. Very funny to a collie. He thinks he's dog people. A border collie watching that is going to be like sheepdog? Very funny to a collie. He thinks he's dog people. A border collie watching that is going to be like,

ah, it's PC gone mad. Oh, they had to put a pig in it. Would they be like, this is actually very disrespectful to the heritage? Anyway, the reason I'm taking you to Bertha today is for a ghost story. And as I say, a bit of history. So you should be chilled, hopefully, by the ghost story. But at the same time, things are hotting up ghost-wise, and that pun will make sense later.

Oh, good. And I appreciate you telling me what the destination of the journey is going to be before we hop in the car and go to Burford. It's not the garden centre. In the early 1600s, there lived Lord and Lady Tanfield, and they were wicked. And I mean that in a modern sense of the word wicked, not as we understand it, meaning excellent. So wait, wait, wait. Were they really cool and radical and good at skating, or were they evil?

No, these guys, these were rotters. Wretched. They were rotten. So Sir Lawrence, Lord Tanfield, he was a rags to riches story. Although I took that from one source saying he had a fairly humble background. But then I looked up a little bit further. He did go to Eton. So not that raggedy.

One of those impoverished Eton kids, was he? Yes. He definitely ended up with riches. Rags as in Oxford University rag society. Yeah, rag week. To riches. Whatever that is. Rag Week, that's the word I'm looking for.

Is that something to do with... I think it's raise and give, isn't it? I think it's charity. Oh, is it? I think so. Oh, that's nice. That's nice of them to give something back after taking and taking and taking. Yeah.

Oh, I've just looked up Rag Week and it is the week where they do charitable fundraising, but I guess I just made up raise and give because it means rag, as go around behaving in a really annoying way which is what they do in rag week and now that i think about it is i suspect the motivation more than the charitable fundraising oh like someone who was a really really bad person and then they did a bit of charity work to kind of distract that's what i think they were doing, yeah. Yeah. Putting on costumes and stuff. Yeah. Well, there's plenty of examples of that that I don't want to mention because they're horrible. Nope.

No need to enumerate them. Nope. We know who they are. So it was a rag week to massive riches story because he became a lawyer, politician and chief baron of the Exchequer, which is kind of at the time it was the person that deals with money when the prime minister and the chancellor are busy oh nice did he get to sit in the chair if no one was sitting in it probably yes i mean this is queen elizabeth time elizabeth one um i don't really understand what parliament was back then yeah basically he was in a position where he could be massively corrupt and according to everyone he was massively corrupt oh do you want to know some other

barons of the exchequer though because i looked up a list of their names oh yeah please yeah okay they include but are not limited to sir henry le scrope that your name sounds like you're a Baron of the Exchequer. Lascrope. Sir John Carey of Cockington. Nice. Sir Robert Saddington. That's like when posh people are sad.

Feeling a little Saddington. I'm going to go to bed for Turelli tonight because I'm going to be heading through Saddington. Sir Robert Bell and Sir Roger Manwood. As I say, Sir Lawrence was accused of corruption, but nothing was proved. But everyone was pretty sure he was wrong. He had two wives. His first wife was from a village in Norfolk

called Clay Next the Sea. Clay Next the Sea. Yeah. And I double checked. It's not a typo. It is called Clay Next the Sea. Clay Next the Sea. Yeah. And I double-checked. It's not a typo. It is called Clay Next the Sea. Like some kind of impresario introducing the sea. It's a very boring stage show, isn't it,

if you've just got some clay. What's coming up next? The sea. You can only really say that in a proper West country. Clay next the sea. If you say it in that voice, it sort of adds in an invisible to, the. It does, yeah. This Norfolk way.

Oh, right. I mean, basically, it's the same. Who can do a Norfolk accent? It's such a weirdly specific accent, but only people from Norfolk know what it's like. We just do a, oh, our, my lover accent for Norfolk, but that's wrong. Janeri Bumpkin. Clay next to say,

no, can't do it. Right in Norfolkians. Norfolkers. With your accent. Somehow managed to convey that in written format. Or just sort it out. Sort your accent out.

Yeah. You don't see scouts having this problem. Everyone thinks you've got a farmer's accent. Just do a farmer's accent, please. Yeah, prove us wrong. So his second wife, though, Catherine Lee, she was fearsome. She was sister of the Queen's champion, which is another very peculiar role. So basically, it seems that when a king or queen is crowned at the coronation,

basically the king or queen has to be ready for a fight at a coronation, but they're not allowed to do individual combat with anyone of lower status. So they, in essence, nominate someone called their champion to go around. Have a little scrap. Yeah, they're going to become king. They're going to get crowned now. Anyone who's got a problem, come and see me. Well, it's kind of like when I was a kid in school, bullies went around in groups of three. Yeah, they're going to become king. They're going to get crowned now. Anyone's got a problem, come and see me.

Well, it's kind of like when I was a kid in school, bullies went around in groups of three. There was a little wily one who was the brains of the outfit. So that's the king. Prof. And then a big square guy who, in my school, tucked his jumper into his trousers and his trousers into his socks. He was completely sealed, like he was in a diving suit.

You're not popping any ice cubes up there. Yeah, you can't get, it's like armour. If you want to get at his ankles, you can't. They're protected. Yeah. And then there'd be a third one who's a winnet, who was more of a hype man who would do jokes and stuff. So that would probably be the Chancellor of the Exchequer in this situation.

Right. Apparently there was one for QE2. The boat. No, the woman. Queen Elizabeth II, she had one as No, the woman. Queen Elizabeth II. She had one as well, who was a chartered accountant. Did he do fencing or something? One of the posh sports?

I don't know. Jousting? Reckon you could have him. He also died in 2015, so you could definitely have him. Easily. Probably could have got him in 2014. And more ties this, because he's an accountant. So she's outlived her own bodyguard.

Basically, yes. Crackers. And I think his son is the one that's due to be Charles's. But his son's going to be way too old by the time Charles gets a shot at it. Yeah. Unless he was keeping really active circa 2013. Who? The dad.

Unless Daddy Champs had a kid then oh that's the only way the chances with a chance yeah even a sliver of a chance protected from attack greater than a bit of a shove a nasty fall so yeah katherine lee second wife is after this people really started turning against the tan fields villages. Villages in the past, they hated a wife. They hated a second wife, didn't they? Well, it was also the guy, because he... I mean, she does become the sort of main focus of the ire, and I think we'll see why.

But basically, first of all, they bought Burford Priory and then started enclosing all the land off. All the enclosures of public lands drive me... Up the wall. I hate theures of public lands drive me off. Up the wall. I hate the enclosure of public lands. Give us back the grass. That's what they thought.

That's what these Burfordians were thinking and saying. Well, I'm well on side with these ignorant villagers who I was previously criticising. Lady Tanfield said she would like to grind the people of Burford to powder beneath her chariot wheels. Powder? Yeah. How dry does she think they are? At best, you're going to crush them into a paste.

She'd just keep going over it until all the water was squeezed out. Apparently, she also left money to the almshouses for six widows when she died. Oh, that's quite nice. So mixed messages there, really, from her. Unless she killed their six husbands. Yeah, maybe that was it. Underneath a chariot. Yeah, really dusty husbands.

The almshouses were like, they could only buy certain things, and it was dusters. Things to dry out those old women further, so that you can eventually run them down when they're sufficiently added. Each almshouse was fitted with a dehumidifier that you couldn't turn off. Yeah, just sending them packet after packet of silica gel. Do not eat, but maybe. Maybe.

Have you ever eaten a red banana? No. For a laugh? Not even with a straight face, no. What's a red banana? I guess they're used in savoury dishes or to mop up spills because they are the driest things known to man.

It was like taking a big bite of silica gel. Yeah, it was horrible. I could feel the moisture coming out of my body through my tongue into this red banana. I thought it would be a fun treat. Yeah, a red banana. You'd think, if anything, that's going to be like the top level of banana, if it were a Donkey Kong reward. Yes. worst worst kind of banana did you do it very arrogantly like that guy who takes the teaspoon full of cinnamon powder oh no no i didn't but you didn't you didn't frame it as if you were gonna own millennials by joe showing them who's tough if if you don't know

what we're talking about stop the podcast now and go and watch that video and we'll see you in about a month when you've stopped watching it on repeat because it is absolutely hilarious. He may as well have been called Hugh Briss. All right, I think you want TalkSport's Mike Parry's attempt to do the cinnamon challenge. The cinnamon challenge was eating a teaspoon full of cinnamon powder,

which you shouldn't do. He was so arrogant. It's like the spirit of Brexit entered him. Oh, my God. And he tried to do it with a tablespoon. It's so wonderful. Even if it's like some sort of set-up thing, it's still really funny because Mike Parry's a real...

And he's genuinely suffering. It's really good. Oh, wah-wah. Wah really good. Oh, water. Water. Water. He can't shout water because he's had too much synonyms. Too much synonyms. Aqua.

The wet stuff. Oh, my God, that first noise. You're back now, I hope, from watching it 20 times yeah that first noise isn't it great well i'll get you back up to speed sir lawrence is about to die sir lawrence dies oh whoa whoa you really didn't give me time to he's about to die he dies that's really fast yeah he dies um and he gets and he's buried Burford Church, and there's a big memorial there. You know, one of them, you see him in churches, the big memorial to rich people from the past,

and it's like a big bed. Yeah. And there's an effigy of them led on the bed. I love those, yes. Praying. I want to remember having a lie down. But also plotting. And his wife got that directive for him.

Now, she is now there on the other side, because she died and then was also interred there and everything. But when it's May, initially, what do they have? Is it just the guy and then like a shapeless mass of marble ready for them to carve the woman in? Or is it like a sort of placeholder, like TBC? Yeah. Because you can't really add to marble, can you?

Famously, you just take away everything that's not the effigy of a person that looks like they're praying in bed. Yeah. Well, if you're a Mason, let us know. Yeah. What used to happen? And are there any where the person changes their mind and doesn't want to be buried there?

What happens then? Yeah. They just sort of turn into a big dog. Does the first person who dies be in the middle and then they budge them over when the second one dies and pop them in on the other side like this? You know, when you go to bed early and you spread yourself out and then you get budged over.

It's not really the right medium for revisions, is it, Marble? No. There's a fun fact about this, whatever they're called. The skeleton sculpture underneath it has a real human thigh bone, but the rest is marble. And they mention this in the thing

as like, oh, this is notable, but I don't know enough about it to know in which way is that odd? Shouldn't the whole skeleton be a skeleton? Is it like But I don't know enough about it to know in which way is that odd. Shouldn't the whole skeleton be a skeleton? Is it like the dinosaurs when you go to a museum and you see the dinosaurs? They're not really dinosaur bones. Oh, wait a minute.

Are you going to go all flat earth on me? No, no. They weren't really dinosaur bones. They're actually tests by God. Anyway, she did that, apparently, without the permission of the church. Just the thigh bone or the whole thing? The whole thing. The whole... She put the whole carving into the church without getting permission from the church?

Yeah. How? I don't know. Just purely from an admin point of view, how could you do that? What a weird heist. Maybe they sort of got the statue and like toddled it in. Waddled it in like a fridge. Yeah, like a sort of statue weekend at Bernie's.

Hello, vicar. Oh, hello. I don't recognise you. No, he's got a sore throat. He's not talking. I don't know how she did it, but she did. Now I see her more as a sort of Catherine Hepburn bringing up baby character.

I'm warming to her. The people of Bertha didn't warm to her, and that's also a pun, because apparently effigies were burned of them for the next 200 years after they died wow every year on the anniversary of their deaths or births or some anniversary there was an effigies there was an effigies burned of them oh with permission of the church or do they have to sneak their effigies in like oh no he's just got a sore throat he's not talking he's got a sore throat because he's made of sticks.

He sounds a bit sticky. No, it's a Norfolk accent. That's what they sound like. Like some sticks. And I've got an account here, which is in Your Friend and Mine, The Law of the Land, Westwood and Simpson. Muriel Groves, writing in 1934, passes on an account from her father, who in turn got it from his own mother's nurse wow

straight from a horse's mother's nurse's mouth old dame taylor my grandmother's nurse told father that lord and lady tanfield used to drive over the roofs of the burford houses up one side of the street and down the other this is a ghost of them, by the way. This became such a nuisance that the townspeople got seven clergymen to come and lay them under Burford Bridge, the first arch, seven priests with bell book and candle. And if ever the arch gets dry, they will come again. One dry season, it began to hiss and bubble. So the people watered it until it rose. They watered the river for fear of the return of the tan fields.

Quick question. Where did they get the water from? I don't know. Oh, does it mean that they weed on it? It sounds like another bit of, and it's a while since I've mentioned this on the podcast, sympathetic magic. Everything's sympathetic with you, if it's water. I'm just saying, dry season, the river's there, pouring a bit of water out or having a way

on it, magic. That's what magic is. Well, actually, I don't know if you know know but for people from burford and being urinated on is actually it's very disrespectful oh okay it's interesting to learn about these cultural quotes some stories say that their chariots were on fire that they rode up and down in fiery chariots there's another story that to see this fiery coach was an omen of misfortune, which, to be honest, that's up there with

to urinate on someone is disrespectful. It's like obvious. If you see an on-fire ghost coach, that's bad news. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. It's unlikely that you'd see that and think, looks like things are turning around for me. What a positive sign.

What an encouraging augury. Sorry, my mouth's full of synonyms. There's a couple of other stories of Sir Lawrence, the wicked lord. Bad Larry. Because he owned a couple of other estates. There was Whittington in Gloucestershire. There was a story that someone whose grandparents lived at Whittington remembered an incident in her childhood when a groom had found a man lying dead on this lane that the coach was supposed to go up and down.

The man had been killed by the sight of the wicked Lord. someone in a regular carriage who'd fallen ill and the groom had led them down on the roadside when they'd gone to get help. Because I guess it would be easier to lie, someone who's ill, lie him down rather than bouncing him around in a carriage. Yeah, yeah. And go and get help. But basically, and someone in the meantime

came across them and just found a dead body. It was like, maybe even heard the coach rattle in a way. It was like, it's that Sir Lawrence again. They should have checked whether he'd been ground into powder. How would you test that? What, with a teaspoon and then you put it in your mouth? Probably just have a little teaspoon of it. And if you can't eat it, then you know it's powder.

When did people come up with the idea of you going to the doctor? Because throughout the whole past, doctors were just constantly like, oh no, and hopping on a horse and crossing the land to try and help people. Now it's really hard to get an appointment and you have to go to them. What gives? But in the 80s, I remember falling ill

and having the doctor come round. Really? Rather than going to the doctors. Did he do the proper Victorian ghost story thing of it just cuts to you being in bed the next morning and him putting a stethoscope away? Yeah. Giving you some advice, saying absolutely nothing's wrong.

Well, he just sort of shook the thermometer and took the bag of ice off the top of my head. Did he have one of those doctor's handbags? Oh. With the top? Absolutely. And I had a glass bottle of original Lucozade. And then he quickly takes someone aside and says,

the boy is just telling stories. He didn't see anything out there in the woods. I wouldn't, would I? By the way, though, you know those bags of ice for fevers? they were like purpose made right yeah i think so they're like the colander of the home medicine world well how so it was just a bag of ice with those big screw top somehow it had a screw top lid yeah yeah but what else were they used for apart from plonking on the head whilst the doctor's taking your temperature well just that that's that's enough isn't it how does that make them like a colander well colander really only does about two jobs. It takes up a lot of room in the cupboard,

but all you're getting is pasta drainage. James, are you working for Big Civ? Yes, I am. What about vegetables? You'd use the lid. Use the lid and tip it out. You might lose a couple of broad beans, but you're saving on cupboard space. No. Colander. Use a colander. Civs. Use a colander use a colander it's days coming do you want to hear the last sighting of sir lawrence yes i do he was supposed to appear at great chew great chew because he also owned that in the 30s ethel williams in the 1930s ethel

williams was talking to a young grave digger and his friends in the churchyard and asked about what they knew about local figures. And the quote is, When I asked about Lord Falkland, they could tell me nothing. But when Judge Tanfield was mentioned, their faces brightened, and they told me of the great elm in the park, a mile or so away, round which, when the clock strikes at midnight, Chief Baron Tanfield can be seen driving in a coach and six.

So it is said, concluded the grave diggerigger as a concession to modern scepticism. Not that I would like to be there to see, added one of his friends quickly. When was that? 1930s. It had quite a 30s feel to it. So it is said. Back when teens said things like, so it is said. Not that I should like to be there to see it.

Yeah, he said quickly. Really? Well done. Because that's a very tough sentence. Not that I should like to be there to see it. Not what I would like to be there to see. It's quite hard to say. In any accent. And so that's the story of the ghost of Burford. What a horrible man and his wife.

There's a couple of bonus stories about them and some other Burford ghosts that I will tell you later for the extras. Ooh. There's a Patreon-based extras. But for now, that's all you need to know. Ever since you mentioned the flaming carriage. Yes.

I've had the theme tune to Absolutely Fabulous in my head. Oh. Do you remember the theme tune? Yep. There's wheels on fire rolling down the road. And I just found out it's a Bob Dylan song. Is it? Yeah. That is a re-recording of, I think, Julie Driscoll's version. Right. And she's singing with Adrian Edmondson. Yeah. But it's a Bob Dylan and the band song. Oh. And what's nice about that is I found it on YouTube and I was just listening to that

and people in the comments are going, absolutely fabulous dylan fans are like you know what it is great i thank you very much american dylan fans who've never seen the sitcom just going like thank you for noticing absolutely fabulous the movie um didn't know they made a film of this song but yeah i'm sure it would be I mean, are you ready to score me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Bob Dylan? Please, please notify my next of kin. I'm ready to score.

Okay, then. First up, naming. Names. All right, you slipped in a couple of good chancellors of the old Privy Council. Roger Manwood. Roger Manwood. Henry Le Scrope. Henry Le Scrope.

It's not a real man's name. Robert Saddington. I feel like I'd make you two Saddington if I went lower than five. Yeah, I think so too. You're going to make me, blew him, Robert Happington. It's a four five. Yes. Okay, then great.

Let's move on then. Let's move right along. I'm sorry to hand you a 5 so easily, but you've earned it. I don't want to question it. Shall we move along to the Supernatural course? Yeah, all right. Now, there was a little bit of history. A spectral coach that rides over people's houses.

Yep. Up one wall, across the roof, down the other. That may or may not be on fire. Yeah, it goes up the hill one side and then downhill on the other that may or may not be on fire yeah it goes up the hill one side and then downhill on the other side kind of like uh if you could imagine a spooky cotswolds tony hawks level yeah quick kick flip across the high street they're probably collecting the letters g h o s and t yes tony hawk or tony hawks is tony hawk tony hawks is the tony hawk tony hawks is the actor and comedian and writer tony hawk pro skater is how you should pronounce it.

Yes, that's where the confusion lies, like Stephen Hawking. Yeah, and Stephen Hawking's pro skater. Yeah. Keith and Cliff Richards, the brothers Richards. Not a lot of people know that they're brothers. No, not a lot of people think they're brothers. You've got to go see Coach that is or is not good flaming. Oh, by the way, the way that the priests lay that ghost of Lady Tansfield

was they tricked her to come into the church, tricked her into a bottle and then put a cork in that bottle and chucked it under the bridge. That may have just tipped it over. I'm so warm. I don't know if I'm just handing out fives because I've got a brain fever. I think this happened last heat wave. I think it to. I'm so warm. I don't know if I'm just handing out fives because I've got a brain fever. I think this happened last heat wave. I think it did.

I did very well. They did a classic bell, book and candle times seven. A BBC. A septuple bell, book and candle. A big bottle with a cork, another BBC. Yes. Yeah. If you Google it, that's what that is.

It's just a good old haunting. And we've got them getting around other places, other towns as well. They're not just stopping in Burford for their reign of terror. They're actually better than the public transportation in the region. Definitely. In terms of coverage. Genuinely. It's got to be five.

Okay, third category, the corruption. Oh, well. Can you imagine a chief baron of the Exchequer? I can't remember anyone in a position of authority ever abusing that power. It wouldn't happen, James. Be realistic. Apparently, Lady Tanfield was not immune from these accusations either. People said that she would take bribes in order to influence her husband's favour.

Currying favour. Which in those days had raisins in it. You want to pour some coconut milk in there. Make it a little milder. Use some real spices. Yeah, don't just use a whole jar of cinnamon. That's too much. I mean, not only was he corrupt in life,

but corrupt in death in the way that they managed to sneak his grave into the church. You know what? It's not a five for corruption, and I'll tell you for why. What? We've got loads of graves and burials, and one of the classic forms of corruption is the corruption of the body,

the rotting of the corpse. Uh-huh. And you haven't really delivered any corruption of that kind. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about if almost all of the corpse had turned into marble? And that's why only the thigh bone.

It just hadn't finished. I mean, that's a nice try, but I don't think that's really corruption. I mean And that's why only the thigh bone, it just hadn't finished. I mean, that's a nice try, but I don't think that's really corruption of anything. That's an improvement. So what am I getting? A four? Hot four? I think it's a three.

I think it's a warm three. Okay. Final category. It's wheels on fire slash arid, aridness, arid, aridity? Aridity. Aridity. Aridiousidity Aridity Aridity Aridiousness

Wow Is that the word? Well first of all I appreciate you tailoring At the last minute This to my interests My musical interests The theme tunes

Of sitcoms of the 90s Yep Yes that is my main Genre of music I enjoy I'm a big fan of The work of Howard Goodall Who did Black Adderall And Red Dwarf And Mr Bean Eric Idle Singing One Foot in the work of Howard Goodall, who did Black Adderall and Red Dwarf.

And Mr. Bean. Eric Idle singing One Foot in the Grave. Eric Idle. Yeah, that's a good one. Have we talked about the Mr. Bean theme tune before? No. You know the way it's got a choir singing? Yeah.

Yeah. Like there's a beam of light and Mr. Bean appears to land from a spaceship or something. Yeah. And a school choir sing in Latin. What they're saying in Latin at the start is, behold the man who is a bean. And then at the end of part one, they sing end of part one in Latin. Yeah, that's what they're saying.

Do you speak Latin? No, it's just a cool fact. Factoid. About the composer Howard Goodall. So wait a minute, is Mr. Bean, is he basically in purgatory? So he drops in, goes into the white light. Is that, this has got to be a fan theory

on the internet. Yeah, the dark fan theory of Mr. Bean is that while it's hilarious for us, it's torture for him. This is happening to him forever. It was really arid. It was a very dry story.

I'm very hot because it's a heat wave right now. And of course it's very humid. And they always say a dry heat is preferable i just wish well you wish you were in a flaming carriage i wish i was in a flaming carriage right now because by the way just to recap you've got flaming carriages you've got burning effigies you've got a river running dry yeah hissing and bubbling you've got wet human bodies crushed to dust somehow. They're getting crushed so hard, they turn into dust. It simply must be dust.

Ooh, James. Our well-known catchphrase. Yep. You've blown dust in my eyes and I'm bedazzled. It's a five. Yes. Dust. It simply must be dust.

And if you pop over to the Patreon, there's potentially some more sightings of these guys. Mm, well, that sounds delightful. So, terrifying. Absolutely petrifying. A little snifter of dust at the end there. Just a little tablespoon. You mentioned the Patreon, James.

In the style of someone with a mouth full of cinnamon, could you remind us of the URL? Patreon.com forward slash Lormenpod. Water. Water. That's how you promote a Patreon. Yeah, please show us that there's loads of bonus episodes and you will get your own dust. Probably don't eat it. Don't eat it.

Don't eat it. Oh, I've read that all wrong, haven't I? Probably don't eat it. Oh, I've read that all wrong, haven't I? Probably don't eat it. I think bare feet footsteps are much scarier. You know, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck. Could just be the wood contracting, but the splap, splap, splap of a bare foot.

Yes, you definitely know. It's like, ah, it's a bath ghost. Yeah. It's one of those in the bath ghosts. Splap, splap, splap, splap, splap. Already water running under the door. Well, you've actually scared me there. Sorry.

Splap, splap, splap, splap, splap. You know what you do if you need to fight off ghost water? Just flick cinnamon at it. And the ghost's like, ah, ghost water. That's a Norfolk accent. Wah-ah, wah-ah.