Loremen Podcast - S4 Ep8: Loremen S4 Ep8 - Rushton Triangular Lodge, Northamptonshire

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

In the smoking room of the Loregentleman’s Club, Mr James Shakeshaft puffed on his pipe with a look of consternation. He found the silence intolerable. “D— it, man,” he said at last, “what the devil did you mean by your message? ‘I saw a house that wasn’t quite right,’ what a load of old rot.” Mr Alasdair Beckett-King, seated in the chair opposite, peered at Shakeshaft through a yellowish haze and his drooping eyes sparkled in the firelight... This evening’s podcast begins with Alasdair telling James a tale about the Midlands. A land that is neither North nor South. A land replete with mystery and intrigue. A land whose accent neither Loregent can do. Northamptonshire. Beginning with the three-sided folly of Ruston Triangular Lodge, the boys discover a drumming well, a perambulating doll and a haunted church that’s thick... wi’ rabbits. Loreboys nether say die! Check the sweet, sweet merch here... https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631 Support the Loremen here (and get stuff): patreon.com/loremenpod ko-fi.com/loremen @loremenpod www.twitch.tv/loremenpod www.instagram.com/loremenpod www.facebook.com/loremenpod

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm Alistair Beckett-King. And I'm James Shakeshaft. And James, are you ready to go on a trip to the Midlands? Can you imagine such a place? Yeah. Be it north? No imagine such a place? Yeah. Be it north? No.

Be it south? No. Where be it? Just in the middle. In the middle of the land. The Midlands. The Midlands. Specifically, what bit of the Midland?

I'm talking about North Hamton Shire. Ton of ham. Yeah, which is home to many legends. And in this episode, I'm going to tell you merely three of them. Cool, cool, cool. Merely three. James Shakespeare. Alistair Beckett King.

Just like you to come in here. Yes. I've got a Midlands triptych for you today. But before I begin, I want you to imagine that you and I are gentlemen. Go on. Sitting in our leatherback chairs, smoking a pipe or two. One each. One each, yeah.

Otherwise it looks dodgy. Drinking, what's that drink where you swing it round in the cup? Brandy? Brandy. Or are you doing the bucket of water trick for a child? That's the one I'm thinking of, yeah. That, but with brandy. Cool.

We're in a smoky gentleman's club, yellowed with tobacco haze. Ooh. And I'm telling you about a terribly strange thing I saw. You may think me a fool, James, but I saw the most unaccountably queer thing. I was on the train from London, travelling towards Market Harbourer. Market Harbourer. It's very hard to say that in that voice. Market Harbourer? Market Harbourer.

Harbourer-er? I was travelling towards Marraket Marharbourer. A town on the border of Northamptonshire and Leicestershire. Oh, yeah. When something caught my eye, I was looking out of the train window and I saw a small building surround... Is my phone going off? Sorry.

It's just my Victorian telephone ringing there, information about chimney sweeps. A waiter's come up with a little phone on a tray. Yeah, a little mobile phone on a salver, yeah. Is it Nokia? They've been around forever, the Nokias. They were the first things here. Before even man, before even snake.

They gave the idea for snakes. I tell you, James, it was a small building surrounded by trees, but clearly visible from the train. Buh. Nothing so odd about that, you might say. No, there's many buildings surrounded by trees these days. But there was something uncanny about the little folly's facade as we passed it, as if some optical trick were at play,

as if it defied Euclidean geometry by lacking depth of any kind. Without hesitation, I asked my butler to bring me my mobile telephone on a salver and turned on GPS. Oh. And I sought out the name of that building. Yes. And I can tell you now it was called the Rushton Triangular Lodge. The Rushton Triangular Lodge, you say?

I'm going to drop the voice now. Yeah. I can't maintain it. No, but I think we've got an offshoot there. We've got the makings of an offshoot podcast. Law gents. Yes. So the building I was looking at out the train window, James.

Yes. The reason it looked so strange, it looked like the front of a building on its own, you know, like the facade of a Western town for a movie where they don't build the rest of it. The reason it looks so strange is that the building is triangular. It only has three walls. What? So every photograph you'll see of it looks like a massive wide angle lens, like a fisheye lens. photograph you'll see of it looks like a massive wide angle lens like a fish eye lens it's not a fish eye lens the building is a weird shape it's a triangle oh it has three sides classic triangle on every side on every floor it has three windows can you see a picture of it now yeah it looks

really fake it looks really fake i thought it was some like victorian Victorian Gothic revival folly thing. And it is a folly, but it's way older than I thought it was going to be. It is an example, I think, of sacred geometry. It's a building full of riddles and codes dedicated to, friend of the podcast, the Holy Trinity. Which is why it has at least one window, which is the Triforce from Zelda. Of course, yeah. It's exactly the Triforce from Zelda. It's incredible. Yeah. Which is why it has at least one window, which is the Triforce from Zelda. Of course, yeah. It's exactly the Triforce from Zelda. It's incredible. Yeah.

It was built by Thomas Tresum, spelled T-R-E-S-H-A-M. We might say Treshum now, or Tresum. I think Tresum was how he pronounced it. He was born in 1545 and died in 1605. He's the dad of Francis Tresum, the double traitor of the gunpowder plot. The double traitor? Double traitor, firstly for doing the gunpowder plot, secondly for probably being the person who dobbed them in and reported the plot.

Historians think. Right. Which historians? Don't ask me, I did not check. Some historians think that. But his dad, Thomas Treason, was a Catholic, and it was really hard work being a Catholic at that time. You didn't get burned to death, fortunately,

but he did spend 15 years in prison for being Catholic, which is pretty serious. Oh, wow, that's quite a long time. That is a long time, considering the dates that I gave you for his life. Yeah. 45 to 1605. 15 years is a substantial portion of your life. That's a cool quarter. According to Giles Isham's official guidebook, printed in 1970, to the Triangular Lodge, he was fined £7,717, 12 shillings and no pence. Oh, nice of them to round it up.

Yeah, roughly 16 million quid and no pence in today's money. Whoa. So that's like a lot. And what was he fined for doing? Just being Catholic? For being Catholic. Just really not stopping being Catholic. He was so Catholic that he secretly built a tiny little folly with three sides.

It couldn't be seen from anywhere except on a train that doesn't exist. Ah. Yet. Because he'd had to spend all the money he could only afford three sides? Maybe. I mean, he was not in a great financial state by the time he died due to the expenses that go along with being Catholic. I see him as like a Catholic version of, do you remember the farmer called Mr. Fiddler who built a secret castle in about 2006?

Do you remember that news story? Vaguely. This guy is a true British hero, true English hero, Mr. Fiddler. You won't sympathise with him, James, because you hate it when people are granted planning permission, when they shouldn't be, as listeners know. We've got big issues with that. Mr. Fiddler had quite the opposite problem. He had been denied planning permission when they shouldn't be, as listeners know. We've got big issues with that.

Mr. Fiddler had quite the opposite problem. He had been denied planning permission. There's a rule that you don't need planning permission for buildings that have been around for four years and nobody's complained about them. So Mr. Fiddler, an ingenious gentleman, created a wall of bales of hay around the site that he intended to build his house on. And over the course of two years built a, it's described as a mock Tudor mansion.

And I think it's called mock Tudor because it is an insult to the Tudors to describe it. Monuments to bad taste would be another way of describing it. Oh, it's not like it's got sarcastic graffiti on it. Henry VIII, idiot. Well done with all the wives, mate. He built it behind those bales of hay and tarpaulins, waited for four years and then revealed it going, hey, secret house, sort of, I'm doing a rude gesture to the local council.

Is it a mock Tudor and mock local council? Yes, exactly. So having revealed it, they said, you're going to have to knock that down now because obviously you can't just build it behind bales of hay. That is not allowed. Yeah. He took them to court and it was in and out of the courts for almost a decade until he finally had to demolish it in 2016.

By which time, still without planning permission, he built a lake, a bridge, and a go-karting track. Ooh. Which Noda added to the Tudor ambience of the mansion. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- I thought he'd knocked the house down and there was a slightly smaller house inside. We're like, no complaint about this one. No complaint about this one. You, you, Mr. Fiddler.

Where are you? And that just kept happening and kept happening until it was a house that was under three metres high or two metres high or whatever. Yeah, a Matryoshka mansion, maybe? The reports say it was demolished in 2016, but he says he dismantled it and he plans to build it again. But he won't say where, for obvious reasons,

because he's clearly not got any plans of getting planning permission. Maybe it's going to be in the lake. Yeah, inside a go-kart. It's going to be underwater house, and then he'll drain the lake. Ta-da! I've got a smelly wet house. And the council will be like, that's the same plan again. So no, it doesn't work. Just get planning permission. He hid it first behind straw.

Next he'll hide it behind some sticks. And then just another house. Honestly, I was going to make that joke about the Russian Triangular Lodge. You got there, James. You beat me. The Big Bad Wolf would have been Protestantism. So it would have just been a bit more satirical. But anyway, I'll give you a bit of Catholic symbolism to make up for it.

Again, the source for this is Mr. Isham's guidebook. Every part of the building, it has numbers and Latin quotes from the Bible and riddles built into it. One side has the image of a serpent coiled about the globe and a hand issuing from a sun, representing, of course, the Holy Spirit. A holy high five. Another side has a seven-branched candlestick and the seven eyes of God, representing the Father. The seven eyes of God. Yep.

Yep. What do you think, what kind of symbol would you think they would have chosen for Jesus? Oh, well, textbook cross. Sorry, did you say a pelican? Yes. Oh. A pelican and a hen and chickens, of course, representing the sun. Ah. Catholicism.

What? Standard, standard Catholicism. Over the door, before you go in, it says, Tres Testimonien Dant. Oh. Which translates as, there are three that bear witness. However, it's also a clever pun. You like puns on your own name.

You like jokes about your name, don't you? Yes, yes. Well, Tres Ham, his nickname was Tres. His wife called him Tres. When it says Tres Testimonium Dant, there are three that bear witness, it also means, I'm watching you. Tres, I've got an eye on you as well right yes clever and it has the number five five five five above the door nobody knows why that's not a three

is it because it's a made-up american telephone number for television that's the reason yeah it's probably it's area code have i told you my favorite one not my favorite one of my facts about back to the future no i mean possibly you've favourite, one of my facts about Back to the Future? No. I mean, possibly. You've told me a lot of facts about Back to the Future. I must have done this one. You know how 555 is like a pretend American area code

used in film and television? In the movies, yes. In the movies. In the movies, yeah. When Marty McFly travels back to the 50s, when he's looking up the doc's telephone number, the area codes back in the 50s, when he's looking up the doc's telephone number, the area codes back in the 50s are only two digits long, but the extra digit was informed by what area you were in, or like the first letter or something of what area you were in.

And so it's basically, the way it's written, like the area name that it's written would have been turned into a five, and then it's five, five, blah, blah, blah. So it is a 555 area code, but in a 50s format very good that's going to appeal to the nerds who listen to this podcast a lot james i hope so inspired by rushton triangular lodge i'm going to fling you a triptych of folklore three neighboring legends from northamptonshire because mystical catholic symbolism is all well and good but it's hardly a ghost, is it? Yes, yes, that's true. So, first tale is the drumming well of Aundle.

Aundle. I honestly have no idea how any of these places are pronounced. I can't do the Northamptonshire accent. I try and do an impression of Alan Moore. Alan Moore, and it very quickly turns into Ringo Starr. That's the problem yeah I can see can't really do

Northamptonshire no it's a funny one because yeah it's rural the coming well of Aundle it's rural it's Midlands-y

but it's got a lot going on yeah I'll put that up with the Norfolk accent and put that in the column of sort it out

and then you've got Corby where people have Scottish accents what? yeah loads of people in Corby have a Scottish-ish accent because of the influx of Scottish workers.

Oh, that's strange. Yep, very strange. Is that where they manufacture the trouser press? Kilt press, more like. Yeah. And to an Irish person, that would just be a kilt cupboard. From the certainty of the world of spirits fully evinced, 1591, by Richard Baxter, here is an account of the drum of Spirits, fully evinced, 1591, by Richard Baxter.

Here is an account of the drumming well of Owndal. When I was a schoolboy, I'm trying to do like Midlands in the 16th century. What would that be? When I was a schoolboy at Owndal in Northamptonshire, about the Scots coming into England, I heard a well in one dob's yard, drumming like any drum beating a march. I heard it at a distance, and then I went and put my head into the mouth of the well, and I heard it distinctly, and nobody in the well. It lasted several days and nights, and so all the country people came to hear it, and

so it drummed on several changes of times. When King Charles II died, I went to the Owens of Kerria at the Ram Inn, which sounds like a joke name for a pub, the Ram Inn, in Smithfield, who told me their well had drummed and many people came to hear it and I heard it drummed once since.

That's the mystery of the drumming well. Apparently it still drums to this day. Although strangehistory.net hypothesises that it is an example of Helmholtz resonance. Oh? Or windthrob. Oh. Or to put that another way, that thing, you know, when you blow over the top of a bottle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the supposed explanation for the apparently drumming well at Arundel. That doesn't sound like a drum. It doesn't sound anything like a drum, does it? No. Over in, I'm not sure how to pronounce this place name. I think it's Boughton, but all the historical spellings of it are like Bocton or Bocton.

Right. The church in Boughton Green, the church of John the Baptist, is surely one of the most haunted spots in all of Northamptonshire. It's a spooky, ruined church, and a history of the county of Northampton in 1937 describes its invasion by rabbits in the 16th century. Not rabbits. It gets spookier.

It gets spookier, James. I'm ramping up from rabbits. Yeah, I mean, it's a start. And please, apologies again for doing what is obviously, it's obviously a Birmingham accent for this. The rabbits invaded the church itself, making the place so dangerous that the inhabitants were afraid to go to mass for fear of breaking their necks. It was said that the bones dug up by the conies would fill a scuttle and that a man can scantily go in a corner of it,

but he shall find it full of dead men as bones, a thing most piteous to be seen um just accent wise yeah that really took a turn that was because i went into a 16th century quote so i started off started off history of northampton 1937 then i went into 16th century olden days voice and father yeah sorry for the accents people of the midlands but sorted out and the voice. Ah, Hanfada. Yeah, sorry for the accents, people of the Midlands, but sorted out.

And the 16th century. And the 16th century. I'm presuming they're worried that they're going to slip and trip, slip and or trip on the rabbits

rather than their rabbits that are like specifically trained in neck-breaking skills. I think it's the holes and of course the bones. Mmm. The men's bones were everywhere.

So people were tripping over femurs and cleaning their heads off. Of another head. A skull of a head. Yeah, a skull. Yeah, crack your skull on a skull. Oof, the irony. The next piece of info about Boughton comes from Marion Pipe's Northamptonshire Ghosts and Legends, which, James, is part of the series of books that have a guy in a cloak with a skeletal hand pointing towards a book.

Yes! I think I might have that. You probably do. I've got some of Marianne Pipes' work. According to Ms. Pipe, Boughton is haunted by two Christmas ghosts. Oh! George Catherall, a.k.a. Captain Slash.

Oh, no. Is this a wee-wee thing? It's not wee-wee related. Oh, good. Is this a wee-wee thing? It's not wee-wee related. Oh, good. He was a high woman. He was accused of robbing a shoemaker of 11 half crowns. Michael? No.

The race car driver. He was accused of robbing not Michael Shoemaker, but a shoemaker of 11 half crowns, one crown, a neckerchief, a corkscrew, and a waistcoat. Oh. I'm guessing he'd nicked the waistcoat and most of the stuff was just in the pockets. Why would you steal a corkscrew? Yeah, I think that just happened to be in the guy's pocket.

Imagine that being what tipped it over into a death sentence. Yeah, that was the third strike. According also to Pipe, in 1875, a farmer called William Parker ran into a Christmas Eve ghost. He was walking past the church and he saw a beautiful red-haired lady. Nice. And instantly, you know, there was a frisson between the two of them. In fact, she gave him a kiss and she said, come back here and meet me here in one month's time. And he said, sure thing. Although he noticed as she walked away,

her feet made no sound on the ground. Oh. James. Go on. The parish register records that William Parker died on January 24th, 1876, exactly four weeks after he had seen the ghost. Of what?

Mystery. Spookiness. Oh, just ghost stuff. Ghost stuff. He did come back and meet her one month later, not realising that she was dead. He caught ghost. She called him to the other side. Oh, no.

With hotness. He caught dead from a dead person. Yes, that's how you get it. That is one of the main ways of how you get it. Oh, no. And I hope I've saved the best till last. My third local tale is the Dutch doll of Finnerden. The DD of F?

Yep. Finnerden, also known as Thingden. Mm-hmm. By people who can't remember the name of it. Doofertown. What's name? Oujamflipsville. It was called Tingdean in the Doomsday Book.

That's the Doomsday Book written by a Jamaican, I think. Celebrity fact, it is home to Richard Coles, the Celebrity Vicar's Church. Oh, yeah. St. Mary the Virgin Church, which feels a bit like a nickname a kid would give, like a rude nickname for St. Mary. Like, St. Mary the Virgin's Church. It's bullying. It's a form of bullying. It's a very bullying name. And that church at one point was home to the Dutch doll of Finnerden.

This is, I think, one of the hardest to research tales I've ever found. The Wikipedia page for it includes in its references a TripAdvisor review. Oh, wow. Which is not a source, obviously. And of course it's not there anymore. And several other sources which don't exist anymore.

The best account I can find comes from the BBC's Doomsday Project in 1986. Is that project sort of like the Doomsday Book, or did they briefly become a James Bond villain? An attempt to end the world by forcing political correctness down our throats, James. Oh, yes. And it's still happening today, let me tell you.

Yeah, D-O-M-E-S Day project, as in Doomsday Book. Cool. They weren't trying to kill Superman. In 1712, a girls' school was founded in Finnerden, known as Thingdon in those days, Thingdon School or Finnerden School, and it was home to a Dutch doll. There are loads of different accounts of why it's called that. It has a little headdress, which most of the accounts say it was thought to resemble the Dutch national dress, although it was probably meant to look like the costume of the girls who went to the school. I think what people

are forgetting is that historically a Dutch doll was just the name for a type of doll with articulated joints. So I'm not sure the doll is actually supposed to look Dutch. That's just ABK adding ABK's commentary to the much repeated not sure the doll is actually supposed to look Dutch. That's just ABK adding ABK's commentary to the much repeated claim that the doll supposedly looked Dutch. It doesn't just have like a tulip in the background. Was she wearing clogs? Well, she did have wooden feet for a while because supposedly the doll terrorised the children and at night time would move around the school. This doll definitely exists. There's photographs of it from before

the 1980s, but by the time we see photographs of it, the feet have been cut off. Oh, sawn off. Yep, to prevent her from wandering about. Ooh. Although some say that she still wanders abroad, trying to find her feet. Yeah, you would, you'd want them

back. Dragging herself. Is that more or less annoying than clogs? Are you saying that we should cut Dutch people's feet off until they learn to get quieter shoes? So there are lots of little details to the doll's story, all of which sort of contradict each other. Lots of accounts of it all pointing back at each other in a sort of circular internet uroboros of bad referencing uro who the the snake that eats its tail oh okay i thought it was just i don't know how to pronounce it that was like a famously bad reviewer

do you want me to um do it again but in a Midlands accent. Yes, please. Uro Buros. Uro. Who's he? Thinks he is Uro Buros. In Northamptonshire Folktales by Kevan Manoring. Oh, yeah. Kevan. Not Kevin. Kevan.

Manwaring. Kevan. I think I've got a book by him as well. He slightly fictionalises the story, so I'm not sure how authentic it is, but his version adds the detail that while the doll was in the school it was hung on the back of a one of the doors as a prank with a little mechanism so when the door was opened it would jiggle terrifyingly resulting in the expelling of three bullies oh supposedly supposedly badly behaved kids were forced to sit in the cellar with the doll and they did not like

that at all that's quite the punishment. It really is a cruel punishment. And unusual. Eventually it was moved to celebrity vicar Richard Cole's church. Oh yeah. Where it stayed until the final mystery occurred. In 1981, the doll was stolen and it's never been found. According to the BBC, local people were angry and upset.

The police still have not traced the figure. That was in 1986. Does anybody know what happened to the Dutch doll of Finnerden? James, between you and me, I think she's still out there looking for her feet. Just dragging around town. Dragging out, yeah. But she's getting smaller as well because she's wood, right? She's wearing, yeah, she's made of wood, yeah.

Yeah. Eventually, if you see a single twig, that's her. But if she gets the feet now, it's going to look weird. Massively outsized feet. Yeah. Tragic, really, isn't it? Yeah, it is tragic, actually. Yeah.

So that's my triptych of Northampton Tales, inspired by a weird building I saw out of the train. That's wonderful. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Happy to do it. Well, then, my first category for scoring will be naming. Some lovely names.

Kevin Manwaring. Kevin Manadang. Kevin. What was the guy that built the triangular house? Treason. Obviously French for very ham. Latin for three hams. It could be three hams, yeah.

And it sounds like treason, which is what his son did. Oh, yes. I mean... And sort of what he did by being Catholic. Yeah. There's three meanings right there, just in that one guy's triple name. Mr. Fiddler. Mr. Fiddler.

Who built the secret castle. He was a fiddler, wasn't he? Fiddler on the roof, but a roof that did not have planning permission. Yeah, he fiddled on the walls. He fiddled on the entire structure of the building. Oh, yeah, the Bullion Church. St. Mary the Virgin. Church of St. Mary the Virgin.

Virgin. The Church of... I know you are. I said you are. What am I? We've got Helmholtz's Resonance, a.k.a. Windthrob. Nice. And Captain Slash.

Captain Slash. Oh, it's got to be a five. Yes. I didn't even mention Thingdon. And Doobreville. Thank you very much. Thank you for my five. Welcome.

My next category is Supernatural. Now then. It was a bit of a grab bag, but you've got to admit there were a lot of ghosts. There were a lot of ghosts. And mysteries. Ghosts, mysteries, weirdness. I was stacking them up. Yes.

We had a ghost of a girl who was very quiet, very quiet walking around. And then we had a haunted doll that was very noisy walking around. But then that was taken away from it, that functionality. Yep. Got a lot of rabbits, An infestation of rabbits. Too many rabbits. The churchyard was thick with rabbits. Whole church fell down.

I don't know if that was directly caused by the rabbits, but who am I to say it wasn't? Maybe that's how Mr. Fiddler demolished his house, just threw rabbits in there. Just went through the whole thing like termites. Like in a cartoon, yeah. Yeah. He told that it was made of carrot.

This is a four. A four. What more could I have given you? Well, the main story was in no way the sort of the thing that brought us to this, although it involved a wonderful improvised scene in a law gentlemen's club. The law gentlemen's club, yeah. There was nothing spooky about triangles. Mystical symbolism, the Trifor nothing spooky about triangles. What mystical symbolism?

The Triforce? The Trinity? The Holy Trinity. A pelican representing Jesus? That's weird. That's weird. That's definitely weird. It's weird, isn't it?

Okay, but not spooky enough for you. Afraid not. If you'd seen this three-sided building, James. Unaccountably strange. All right, I accept your four. Ghost pelican. My next category, amount of threes.

Oh, yes. I realise I've set myself up here for... Yes. I've left myself wide open for a three in one of these categories because there's a lot of threes. There's a lot of threes. Even Trezor himself, building his three-sided building,

put a few fives over the door, knowing that fives were important. So that is my argument for why i deserve a five that's very cheeky it is quite very cheeky she had a triptych of tales from northampton i did and then you had a triple-sided house and a triple-sided name of a man but then you did put the fives above the door okay i'll meet you halfway how about four all right i'll take it my three is four because of the fives because of the fives okay yes all right final category yes cheeky oh cheeky cheeky there were a lot of cheeky people in this story very

cheeky to be a catholic at that time it's extremist. Ever so cheeky. It's bordering on deadlily cheeky. It's like illegally cheeky to be a Catholic at that time. It's like 16 million quid cheeky. Cheeky to make a house with only three sides because it does,

I can well imagine looking at the pictures of it that it would put you, put you on the back foot looking at it. It's really, really unsettling to see. That's why I did

the whole episode about it. Yeah, exactly. You go in there, you sit on a three-legged stool. What else has three sides? Toblerone. Eat a Toblerone? We eat Toblerone and Dairy Lee triangles. Slices of pizza, maybe?

Yeah, some slices of pizza. Three slices of pizza. Actually, that sounds like a really nice evening. Oh, that's great. Mmm. I wouldn't eat them in that order. I wouldn't go Toblerone first, then pizza. You're going to have a Dairy Lee slice as a starter. And I'd probably have the Toblerone for my afters. If you're still feeling a little bit peckish, you could just have some of

the fronds of a starfruit. Yes. I've forgotten what the category is. Cheeky. It was cheeky. Mr. Fiddler. He built a cheeky castle. Such a cheeky castle castle he described it as being a bit cheeky which is another way of saying illegal yep well that girl killing the guy was not exactly cheeky that was not that cheeky but i i put it to you that that farmer was a gentleman and so if she had given him a kiss it would have been a kiss upon the cheek it would have been cheeky kiss on the cheek that's pure speculation from me but i'm willing to gamble on it. Pretty cheeky to try and pass off as drumming, I think. Yep, yep.

Finally, the girls playing the prank with the doll. Oh, ever so cheeky. Jingle jangle doll. Yeah. Scaring people with the doll. I'm going to have to give you a cheeky five. A cheeky five? For that.

Yeah, have a cheeky five on me. Oh, thanks, James. I know you're going to fall asleep reading a Times newspaper. Mm. Oh. Finding out what's happened in the colonies. Oh, my goodness, a shipment of diamonds has been stolen. Boy, bring me my phone and ring up Twitter and see what's going on.

Keep updating me, boy. Oh, there you go, James. This is my last episode before the Edinburgh Fringe 2022. 2022. If anyone is thinking about going to the festival, one, you should. It's really fun. And if you do, go see Alistair.

Where and when are you on? 7pm every day except the 22nd at the Jackdome. Is that like a post-apocalyptic Thunderdome? Where middle-class comedians fight to the death. James, have you lined up some special guests to take over for me for a couple of weeks? I've got some fan favourite deputies. Are they friends of the show? They are massively friends of the show.

All I need to know is that they're friends of the show. Are they friends of the show? They are friends of the show. Oh, good. Well, let's just keep it as a surprise. Keep it as a surprise. I don't think anyone's going to be disappointed. Check out the patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod for bonus episodes.

Well done. That was subtle. Yeah.